Chronically Fatigued - Tumblr Posts
When have I ever been first?
A question for the ages.
As a tot in my mothers arms,
I was still only second
To the plants she kept on the sill,
And as I grew I became second
To various things more;
To the state of the house,
To income and money,
To my older, healthier sister,
To my father and his "quirks".
No room to call my own,
No privacy to speak of,
No emotions allowed past curfew.
I thought that maybe,
When I'm out,
It'll be over,
But it only gets worse.
My health is secondary
To various whims,
My sleep is secondary
To deafening hymns,
My suffering is secondary
To what's displayed on the screen,
And no emotions allowed past curfew.
Sure, I am primary for myself.
This would be nice, if not for
How Ill I am,
And the fact that i cannot
Prioritize myself, since i cannot
Do everything myself,
And so I'm dependent
On being the top priority
Of external persons
Who never prioritized me once.
Of those who walk past me,
Often looking through.
13/03/24
a little on being tired; because March is for resting up and reclaiming your energy
types of fatigue :
helper fatigue : from pouring all of your effort and energy into others while leaving none for yourself
depression fatigue : from fighting off and carrying the weight of negative intrusive thoughts
future fatigue : from spending so much time working towards a future goal that you neglect your needs in the present
anxiety fatigue : from being in constant fight or flight mode and never being able to let your guard down
compassion fatigue : from absorbing negative emotions from surroundings and experiencing sensory overload
antidotal mantra :
Me just going up stairs 😩
Genuinely didn’t draw anything else after…
Fatigue sucks the life out of you like a Boeing assassin.
woag. fatigue is sucks. wait post canceled what the fu k
boeing????
My cutlery drawer is empty. I have no more spoons, nor fucks forks.
ive lived more life than i would've liked to but not nearly enough
if animals can hibernate...why can't I? I could do with a several long month nap ;-;
Today was a bad POTS day... fatigue won.
I woke up around 3 or 4 am and was awake until maybe 6:30/7 am.
Completely crashed until noon, where I did some necessary tasks and had passed out again by 3pm.
Just woke up and it's 9pm..
Ugh....
I feel this so much. It's also startling that when I passed as abled and passed as neurotypical, I was treated vastly different that I am now. (Now that I stopped masking for the most part and am also quite physically disabled and on the decline) you're glanced at differently. Actually looked at differently. Treated/spoken to differently. It's so irritating.
getting disabled over a period of time is so weird, because sometimes i’ll just see something, let’s say about running, and think “i should do that!” and then i slowly realise that i can’t run anymore. i can barely even walk. it’s weird because there wasn’t one event that happened that made me like it. there wasn’t a day where i woke up and couldn’t run anymore. it was slow and gradual. and sometimes i realise how much ive lost that i didn’t even realise because it all happened so gradually. sometimes it feels like yesterday i could run and today i can’t, and sometimes it feels like forever ago that i could.
I'm so upset. Even after meds, my heart keeps spazzing out. Which keeps knocking me out. I was supposed to get so much done today but my body said yeah F those plans, fren.... I want to cry.
My partner is on parent duty alone after working his overnight shift. I feel so worthless right now......
This insane stormy weather we've had for the last 2 days straight is boosting me so much. This is MY weather ⛈🌩🥰
My body always feels better when it storms. My mood improves. My energy levels go up. It's like it's recharging me as it rages.
Love it.
Made it to the appointment exactly on time. It went okay. Eldest had to have a quick finger prick which we anticipated would be an awful experience like all the other times. But it wasn't! Husband and I were shocked. Didn't even cry or scream once.
It was sanitize the spot! Quick prick! 1, 2, 3 wipe away wipe away! *collects sample* okay bandaid time! *wrap* boom done!
That.... never happens!! So the appointment went super fast too after that and suddenly we were done. Ran to ONE store. Grabbed maybe 5 things. Checked out. Grabbed a small, fast lunch. Drove half an hour home, eating along the way. Checked all diapers. Changed everyone into comfy house clothes. Promptly crashed for the entire evening.
Woke up several hours later (which is now an hour ago) so disoriented. Didn't know what year it was. "Family Coma" we joked. Both kiddos out cold. Both parents out cold. We were all so drained from one appointment and one store stop. Absolutely took out the whole family.
Husband and I woke up and immediately made dinner and he had thankfully woken up in time for work. (He had an alarm but with how out cold we were I don't think he would've woken up if I hadn't jostled him awake right when I woke up)
Kiddos are happily eating dinner and running around. I'm a zombie on the couch. Husband is already wide awake and working. My head feels so pressurized, pulsing with every heartbeat. My body aches so much. I want to go back to sleep already. 🫠🫠
I cannot keep myself awake today. I keep passing out on the couch. First when lying down so I forced myself to sit upright, but kept passing out still.
Thankfully my husband will wake up and take over when our eldest wakes up from his nap here in a bit and I can get some actual rest vs my body force-shutting down in the living room. Well, as close to actual rest as I can get.
I hate how today is going. I had tasks to complete plus I wanted to be more involved today with the kiddos but it just doesn't seem to be my day today. (Not that any day is my day when chronically fatigued but anywayyyyy)
I wish rest was.... restful. I wish it was refreshing. I wish sleeping 13 hours didnt feel the same as 13 minutes. Never rejuvenated. Always perpetually drained. Shit sucks. My hands have been mean today especially too. All my joints inflamed. All muscles/tendons/whatever, aching terribly.
I'm so tired. So so tired....