I Have No Excuse.

I have no excuse.

A New Hyperfixation

Well, may as well kick off the renovation with a post about hyperfixations. Here, have a dumb post that contains more writing and effort than my essays during senior year did.

My last hyperfixation was Mystery Skulls Animated. I found a link to Hellbent, the most recent video, the day it dropped. I enjoyed it and went back to watch the first two videos in the series. And like that, I was hooked! Not long after I joined a Discord group. Unfortunately (or, rather... Maybe it was fortunate after all?) the admins were no longer into MSA and thus deleted the server after having been there for.. Maybe a week at most? 

Needless to say, I was devastated and wanted a community to yell about my fixation with. So I went and searched on tumblr, and came across a post by someone I now consider to be a good friend, advertising their MSA Discord Server. Thankfully they allowed me in, and it was wonderful. I made friends left and right, I had wonderful discussions about theories and ships, I finally had my muse back. For the first time in months, my artistic muse was back in full force, and I was doodling all the time! Hell, I even finished pieces! Lines, colour, background... Everything I hadn’t done in months.

I made... Honestly, some wonderful friends. I haven’t felt this close to people in what seems like years (although in reality, it’s probably just been closer to 7 months). Hell, I could sit here on my laptop all day and wax poetic about the people I’ve come to know and love. 

Aw hell, love... I forgot to mention I fell in love, too. Which was, obviously, a stupid thing for me to do. I’m still trying to figure myself out; trying to further myself and carve out a meaningful place in the world, to come to terms with my gender and the dysphoria that follows, to simultaneously move forward and yet hold myself back out of fear... My brain isn’t in tune with my heart, though, so here I am distancing myself in a poorly executed plan to get over them. I know it’s not fair to them, and kind of a shitty thing to do? But ah... C’est la vie, as the saying goes. I did mention I was dumb, right? 

This person and I- y’know, writing “this person” is going to get very old... I’ll call them King. King and I talked all the time, whether it be in the server or in DM’s. Shared secrets and tidbits about ourselves; things I haven’t told to another person in a long time. Things I limited only to my best friends... In fact, they were the one to introduce me to my current fixation. 

The server often times had events. Game Nights, voice chats, drawpile, movie nights... The whole 9. This also extended to my friends and I. King even streamed musicals for me to watch. First came Dear Evan Hansen (yes, I sobbed). Then, King showed me Hamilton. 

Now, Hamilton, I had heard rumblings about throughout the years. I had a passing interest, “yeah, I’d like to see it at some point! But it’s not number one on the list by any means. I’m into something else right now” was my train of thought. When King offered to stream another musical, of course I was interested! Hamilton was amongst the choices offered that night, and uh, our other viewer... Ha, I’ll dub them as “Silver”. He’d like that.  Silver chose Hamilton. 

Needless to say, I fell in love with the show. I don’t know why this one, or why now; I’d had many things I could’ve fixated on before then- Spiderverse, Venom, and Dear Evan Hansen just to name a few... But here I am. 

Immediately I started looking for tickets to see it, trying to gauge the price. It was during the initial searches that I saw the show was about to begin its third tour. So when I saw it was coming to New Orleans, I knew that was my opportunity. I picked up more hours at the Bell, I ended up getting a raise, I had money left over from Christmas. I budgeted and scrimped and saved. I negotiated with my grandmother, who was going to be down at the Bay when the cast came to New Orleans, to find a way to go see it. 

And all the while I had begun to read fanfiction. Falling more and more in love with the characters, with the ships. I bought the soundtrack and began memorising the songs from Act 1. 

And finally, after multiple rounds of negotiations, working 6 days a week, and scoping prices on tickets... I’m happy to say that I’ll be going to see the show just after St Patties Day. I am beyond excited. To share this experience with my grandma. To have a small vacation before throwing myself back into work. To immerse myself in my latest hyperfixation. 

The only downfall to this? I spend less time on the MSA server. I spend less time with the friends I’ve made. My muse is... Not gone, per se, but definitely shifted. I draw less, and write more- fitting, huh? It’s somehow more intense and more gentle than my fixation for MSA. So I’m... Floundering? I suppose that’s an apt descriptor. I’m floundering as I adjust to the abrupt shift in my personality and habits. It’s terrifying and freeing all at once, and I find that I can’t bottle it up anymore. So. 

Here’s to a shift. A renovation. A revelation. A revolution. Let’s hope some of these habits stick. I quite like writing again.

A renovation is needed

So, I've decided to finally get my ass in gear and do something I've been meaning to for.... a long while now.

Instead of my art blog, this will now be a personal blog where I post about my experiences and struggles with ADHD, and the hyperfixations that come with.

I will probably post rants pertaining to my current hyperfixations, be prepared for a lot of screaming and less-than-eloquent keyboard smashes.

Eye Contact Is..

It’s really hard. And stupid. And my brain likes to choose “oh hey you can look this person in the eye for 3 minutes straight!” for complete strangers coming through the drive thru; but when I turn to my coworker whom I’ve known for nearly a year, it’s like “ABORT MISSION! EYE CONTACT BAD!!!”

Like I look at a friend or coworker and maybe make eye contact for .01 seconds before my gaze skitters away. Resting on like... Their chest or the floor. 

anD THEN NOT 20 MINUTES LATER WE HAVE A STARING CONTEST AND I WIN. 

Also people with blue eyes are the hardest to hold contact with??? I don’t-

Point being, eye contact is hard, and my brain hates consistency. 

yknow theres a lot of pressure to be successful, particularly on artsy kids whose professions are seen as useless unless theyre famous, but life is fucking hard and sometimes things dont turn out

but i think thats not bad. my dad has wanted to be a musician forever, and hes rly pretty good. but then he joined the military to get away from an abusive family, and then he got married, and then he got divorced, and a lot of horrible shit HAPPENED. he has ptsd and severe anxiety and he could never really get back on the horse. and he never made it as a musician, and now hes 53

but i grew up in a house full of instruments, and he can play all of them, and some of my earliest memories are of him playing guitar on the front porch and me thinking there wasnt a better musician in the world. so. even if you dont get to the stars, exactly, what you do isnt worthless. its not a waste of time if life is difficult and you cant make it, or if you arent famous, or if your work doesn’t influence thousands of people. it will influence someone

there are a million ways to be happy and a million ways to be a successful artist. we create what we do to enhance the human experience and relate to each other and improve ourselves. theres something to be said for just doing that,,,for the sake of doing it, yknow

Oh god the weather is goddamned stupid. The weather has been super temperamental; one day it's cloudless if a little cold, the next day we get light rains. Day after that it's gorgeous, clear and in the 70's. Day after THAT it's in the low 40's and thunderstorms that last for like a week... It's hell on my joints, and my neck especially.

From one Iowa dweller to another, do you ever just get this feeling the weather's about to turn rough? Because the news says we've got a moderate chance of tornadoes today and I have that feeling that I'm gonna spend 30 minutes in the basement at some point this afternoon.

Yeah, absolutely. I’ve had that sorta…grating sensation on the edges of my nerves all day.