Holding On & Letting Go

Holding On & Letting Go

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Angstember Prompt - "I really hope you get her someday."

Even at eleven years old you knew James Potter was going to be an important person in your life. Of course back then you were only young, you didn’t know what lay ahead during your seven years at Hogwarts but you knew there was something about James Potter, something about the confident eleven year old who took one look at the scared muggle born girl on her own and immediately ushered her into his cart and walked next her to get sorted.

You remembered that day so clearly, almost like time hadn’t passed. You remembered James helping you adjust to magic, helping you with whatever you were confused with without hesitation. You remembered how James had dragged you outside, insisting that one of the best things about magic was flying, remembered how he had grinned as you refused to mount the broom only to compromise with you and before you knew it you were on a broom, James behind you as you went on your first flight.

You had years’ worth of fond, happy memories attached to James. For the first few years at Hogwarts there were no bad memories, sure the two of you had arguments but they were resolved before the day was over. You and James were attached at the hip, it was rare to be seen without the other, and so it didn’t surprise Remus when you told him at the beginning of fifth year that you had a crush on the boy.

You’d liked him for a while now, half way through third year you realised you liked him more than a friend but you hadn’t been too concerned with trying to figure out your feelings at thirteen. Now however you were fifteen, everyone around you was getting into relationships and you’d had years to think about what your feelings for James meant.

You also had a year of watching James’ crush on Lily Evans, watching as he made an idiot out of himself over and over again in an almost desperate attempt to capture her attention. Whilst Sirius laughed and encouraged it, you sat on the sidelines, a feeling in the pit of your stomach you couldn’t quite place but ignored as best you could. 

Fifth year came along and James hadn’t been as focused on Lily, instead he reigned himself in, offering up polite conversation to the girl but not much else. That was when you had confessed to Remus your feelings for James, knowing the boy would never share your conversation with him but still feeling like speaking the words aloud would cause something to shift. 

Remus had smiled at you, encouraged you to tell James how you felt, confident James felt the same for you. At first you had been adamantly against Remus’ advice, not wanting to mess up the dynamic you had with James but one night, long after everyone else had gone to bed and you and James had snuck out to lay out by the lake, looking up at the stars you had whispered your feelings to him.

The few seconds of silence that passed after your confession were torturously slow but then James had turned to you with a soft smile and asked you to go with him to Hogsmeade that weekend and you felt a weight you hadn’t known was there fall from your shoulders. 

From there it was easy dating James, the two of you already spent most of your time together anyway and five years of being friends made it feel like you knew everything about the other. There was no awkward getting to know each other phase, no uncomfortableness, it felt like nothing had changed except now you finally got to kiss him. 

It was easy to ignore at first. For the first few months of your relationship with James it was easy to get lost in him, so absorbed by the happiness you felt that you didn’t even realise it at first, not until the whispers around you got louder and the sympathetic looks multiplied. 

That’s when you noticed James’ straying eyes, the way he‘d leave your side and you’d spot him sitting with Lily or how even when she wasn’t involved in the conversation her name still somehow managed to get brought up.

You wanted to continue to ignore, to just remain oblivious and not have to deal with it and despite feeling like an idiot that’s exactly what you did. You refused to acknowledge any feelings James might have towards Lily, refused to listen as people told you it was only a matter of time before the two of them became a thing. If you went to bed with tears in your eyes some nights, having to share a room with the girl you were sharing James’ affection with then nobody had to know.

Just because his feelings for Lily had seemingly returned, or more accurately never left but had been buried for a while, didn’t mean he was any less involved with you. He was still there with you every day, still held your books, walked you to class, snuck the two of you out of the castle and asked you on dates. He still spent his nights with you tucked under his arm in front of the fire and smiled at you like he always had.

It almost made you wonder, one night alone in bed, if he was even aware of his own feelings for Lily, if he realised just how much he liked her. That’s when you paused, your breathing stopping for a second before you sucked in a sharp breath. What you and James had was comfortable, it was familiar, it reminded you of home when you were in his arms and you had to wonder if he felt the same. Surely he couldn’t, right? No matter how much you wanted to believe otherwise you had spent months ignoring the fact that when he walked into a room his gaze seemed to land on Lily before it did you.

The realisation had your heart breaking and you felt the tears sliding down your cheeks as you tried to muffle your cries. You had fallen for James, loved him as a best friend and as a boyfriend, though you’d yet to admit that one out loud, and you knew, no matter what happened between you and James, you knew he would never want to hurt you.

Somehow, even with the ache in your chest, you managed to fall asleep that night dreading your date to Hogsmeade the next morning.

The two of you sat opposite each other at a small table by the window, drinks in hand as you half-heartedly listened to James rambling on, your thoughts still very much still on the same train of thought as they had been last night.

“Hey,” James called softly, gaining your attention as he touched your hand, “you alright?” 

You were silent for a moment, completely unsure about how to answer that question. You knew your relationship with James was over at that point, if you were being honest it had been over for a long time but even now you were hesitant to admit it, hesitant to bring it to attention but you knew you needed to. 

At the end of the day James was still your best friend, even if that would sting for a while, and you had only ever what was best for him. If Lily Evans was what was best for him, or at least what he thought was best for him, then who were you to stand in the way?

Still it didn’t mean your heart wasn’t shattered.

Just as you opened your mouth to answer him you watched as his eyes flickered to the side, over to where the door was. Without needing to look you already knew who had just walked into The Three Broomsticks, you watched as James’ face lit up, a smile tugging unconsciously at his lips as his eyes followed her and still you turned your head slightly so you could see her, feeling your own eyes fill with tears.

Resignation was clear on your face even as your eyes fell closed to stop the tears from sliding down your cheeks. You took a breath before turning back to James whose gaze was on you again, concern written across his features.

“I really hope you get her someday.” You told him shakily, two tears trailing down your right cheek as you spoke.

Those weren’t exactly the words you thought you were going to use to start this conversation but ultimately they seemed right. Despite how much your heart ached, despite how much you wished it was you he wanted to be with, at the end of the day all you wanted was him happy.

You watched as the concern on James' face turned to confusion, his eyebrows knitting together as he tilted his head. 

“What?” He finally asked, his confusion just as clear in his tone as it was on his face.

“You like her, James.” You told him, watching as his eyes widened as they moved to look at Lily again before he turned back to you, shaking his head as he did. “It’s ok, I’ve known for a long time I just didn’t want to admit it.”

“I like you, Y/N/N.” He told you firmly, sounding like he truly believed those words and you didn’t doubt it.

“I know,” You told him, a smile making its way onto your face despite the fact that more and more tears seemed to fall from your eyes. ‘I know you do but I’m not her.” Your voice broke as you spoke, the words had you fighting back more tears.

“Y/N,” James tried again but you shook your head.

“Your whole face lights up when she so much as enters a room and when she talks to you, Merlin’s beard, I’ve never seen you smile brighter. I wish it was me, James, believe me I wish more than anything I was the one who could make you that happy but I’m not and I love you so much that I just want you to be happy…even if it’s not with me.” As you spoke you had to pause, needing to take a shaky breath as the tears continued to pour from your eyes.

James’ eyes widened at the love confession casually thrown into the speech, something you hadn’t even meant to let slip out but didn’t regret. They weren’t spoken to make him feel back but more so because you wanted him to know, know how much he meant to you and how much you really didn’t want there to be any hatred between the two of you.

You watched his eyes drift over towards Lily again before he looked to you, looking equally as heartbroken as you felt.

“I love you, you know that right?” He asked you, eyes pleading with you to know he was being honest and you couldn’t help but laugh softly despite the tears as you nodded.

“I know you do, baby,” you whispered, laugh fading into a shaky smile and you watched as James’ own eyes became watery, “just not like how you love her.” 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N/N.” He apologised, words shaky and broken as he reached out and took your hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

“I know you are.” You said again, squeezing his hand back and watching as a tear fell down his cheek. “I meant it, you know.”

“Meant what?” He asked, the two of you keeping your voices low as you spoke.

“I really do hope you get her.” You told him and watched his eyes shut as he shook his head, opening them to look at you with wide, apologetic eyes. 

Before James had the chance to reply you brought his hand up to your lips and pressed a gentle, barely there kiss to the skin before letting it fall back to the table and giving it a final squeeze. With that you pulled away from him and stood up, watching as his face seemed to crumble even more as he watched you.

He opened his mouth as if to say something more but seemed to decide against it as it fell closed. Instead he forced a shaky smile onto his face as more tears made their way down his cheeks. You smiled back at him, feeling too many emotions to make sense of as you turned away from him and out of the inn, ignoring the looks people sent you, not even caring about what a state you’d look like now with tears still falling down your face.

As you began your walk back to the castle alone you knew, despite how much you were hurting right now, despite how much you wanted to curl up in your room and cry until everything felt better, you knew you had done the right thing, not only for James but for yourself. 

For months you’d let your relationship continue despite knowing about his feelings for Lily, all because you weren’t ready to let him go. You still weren’t ready to be without him in all honesty but you knew it wasn’t fair to yourself to stay with somebody who wasn’t as all in as you were.

You would always love James Potter, it seemed impossible that there was a universe out there that could exist without you loving him. Even if you had to do the hardest thing and let him go it didn’t mean you loved him any less, Merlin, it probably showed you loved him more, the fact you were willing to let him go, willing to put his own happiness above your own. You would always love James Potter, it was just one of the many facts of life, even if he didn’t love you back, even if it meant watching him with another girl, your love for him would never fade.

____

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I'll Be There

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Prompts - "Are you hurt?"

It had taken years for a Master to take you on as their Padawan, most had heard the rumours that you took the Jedi Code as more of a suggestion than a set of rules to live by, they knew you let yourself feel things more deeply than was allowed and you seemed to form an attachment to anybody you came across. No Master wanted to take on your responsibility, no Master wanted to be defeated by a Padawan, knowing that you would never change how you saw the world.

It wasn’t a surprise to any of the Master’s when Obi-Wan was the one to take you on as his Padawan a few years after Anakin had been knighted, nobody was surprised at all. If Obi-Wan had managed to survive Anakin Skywalker, had managed to raise and train that boy into a Jedi Knight then there was no doubt he could train you, the man’s patience would truly be tested. 

You hadn’t wanted a Master, hadn’t wanted somebody who thought they could change everything about you, hadn’t wanted to be around another person who would give you disappointed looks and sighs of disapproval every time you expressed emotions. You’d heard all about Obi-Wan though, of course you had, he was a hero in the war, he was The Negotiator. You knew how admired he was, how desperately so many Padawan’s wanted him to be their Master and for some reason he had chosen you.

There had been many times where you had considered your own future, wondered why you remained in the Order when every day you saw it stray further and further from what it was supposed to be. You figured you were waiting for something to change, every time you meditated on it, it felt like the Force was pleading with you to stick around a little longer, to wait it out, whispers of promises and a bright future, one without pain and devastation, one where a faceless figure wasn’t crying out in pain, surrounded by flames and burning and pain and loss. 

The Force liked to show you the future in the worst way possible, you could never make it out. The Force Visions always hit you hard, always seemed to speak to you, of the fact that you had the ability to change not only the outcome of the war but also the outcome of the future of the galaxy. Why it trusted you with these visions you didn’t know, sometimes you wished you had never seen them, at least then you could have left the Order, put your abilities towards something good, to actually helping people instead of being trained to fight in a war.

You were one of the eldest Padawan’s without a Master but it didn’t bother you, you hadn’t needed a Master. You spent all your free time learning, there was always something new to learn and you were determined to be as good as you could be, Master or no Master.

When you were told Obi-Wan was to be your new Master you knew it would mean being thrust into the heart of the war. It hadn’t scared you, you knew you were good and could defend yourself and those around you but you were anxious, you had never left Coruscant since you had arrived, had never actually been in battle before outside of make believe ones set up in the Temple.

Obi-Wan was kind, that was the first word that seemed to come to mind when you met him. He was soft spoken and listened intently as you spoke about your training. He had a few days leave in order to meet you and see where you were up to and hadn’t wasted a moment. The first day you met he had you in one of the training rooms, the two of you duelling until Obi-Wan tucked his lightsaber away and regarded you with an impressed look before inviting you to meditate with him.

As connected with the Force as you where you had rarely mediated with another person, you could count the number of times you had on one hand. Usually it was a difficult task compared to being alone, you struggled to sink into a peaceful state, too aware of others around you but when sat across from Obi-Wan you found it was easier. You could feel his Force signature but unlike everyone else’s it wasn’t distracting, instead it was inviting, the Force telling you that you could trust him and so you let yourself sink down into the feeling of the Force and let your mind wander.

From there it had been easy to allow Obi-Wan into your life, he was the first person you had met who didn’t seem to judge or criticise you. You actually liked being around him, not only for the comfort his Force signature gave off, calming you down easily, but because he treated you like you were normal, he was there with gentle words and soft solutions, easy smiles, and a welcoming pat on the shoulder. It made the shift from the temple to being in the middle of a war easier.

Then there was his former Padawan.

You had met Anakin on your first day leaving the Temple, Obi-Wan’s time on leave coming to an end which meant your time at the Temple was too coming to an end. Obi-Wan had led you to a ship and your eyes widened at just how many clones were there, all working on loading the ship. Obi-Wan had told you that two battalions would be coming on the latest mission, his own was the 212th and Anakin’s battalion the 501st. 

He scanned the area before he found who he was looking for and you watched as an easy smile spread across his face before he gestured for you to follow him. You hadn’t been looking where you were going, too focused on your surroundings that you bumped into Obi-Wan causing you to snap around to him, a sheepish look on your face causing him to chuckle before he turned back to the young man in front of him. 

Your breath almost caught in your throat, of course you’d seen pictures of this man, his face was slapped across the city, the Hero With No Fear, and yet somehow you weren’t prepared to come face to face with him. He was beautiful, truly and utterly beautiful, he was a man whose company you could spend hours in, memorising every part of his face until you knew it like the back of your hand.

You had never particularly held the Jedi Code in the highest of regards, you found it easy to fall in love, you fell in love with the way a stranger laughed, fell in love with how children danced around the markets without a care in the world, oblivious to the war beyond the planet, you fell in love with everything. You formed attachments to things just as easily as you fell in love, the young girl you had saved by scarring of traffickers and she had insisted on buying you a sweet treat, the two of you laughing enough to forget how you had ended up there, the sweet twi'lek child who you had helped calm and reunite with his parents, the healer at the Temple who always smiled at you each time you went to her after a bad training session that left you with more cuts and bruises than you could even recall.

Even if you had followed the Code down to each letter you truly believed that one meeting with Anakin Skywalker, one flash of that easy going but charming grin he was shooting you now, would be enough for you to turn your back on it all together. You knew he played fast and loose with the Code too and hoped that it would work in your favour. 

For now though you shook your head slightly, forcing your attention back to the present as Obi-Wan introduced you to Anakin.

“It’s nice to meet you Y/N.” He grinned, reaching out and placing his hand on your shoulder. You were sure you felt the Force singing with happiness around you at the small touch but it could have just been you. “Good luck with Obi-Wan here as your Master.”

You laughed at the look Obi-Wan gave Anakin, one that spoke of many years of friendship even as he tried to look annoyed.

“It’s nice to meet you too.” You smiled, voice soft as you felt shyness running through you and Anakin must have sensed it too as his grin softened to a smile and he squeezed your shoulder gently before pulling away.

You missed his touch already.

With another shake of your head and a mental command to pull yourself together you followed Obi-Wan and Anakin into the ship, being introduced to different clones along the way and doing your best to remember them. 

It wasn’t long after that you were in the air and leaving the planet, two Clones coming up to greet Anakin and Obi-Wan and you were introduced to them, Captain Rex and Commander Cody. You had smiled at them, both of them greeting you formally causing you to smile, you weren’t anybody important and yet they still stood straighter as they addressed you.

The journey only lasted a few hours and you spent most of the time trying to keep out of the way as the two Jedi, two clones and the Admiral who all stood around a holomap and discussed different strategies and entry points. 

“Nervous?” Somebody asked suddenly causing you to jump before turning to see Anakin stood next to you, a smile on his face.

“Is it that noticeable?” You asked, watching as his smile grew wider and you couldn’t stop yourself from mirroring the expression.

“You’ve got Obi-Wan to protect you, don’t worry he won’t let anything happen to you, neither will any of the men and of course, I’ll be there. The first mission is always hard though.” He told you, completely unaware that his words of comfort had made your heartbeat faster and no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t slow it. “Just stay close and make sure you don’t wander too far off.”

“I think I can manage that.” You told him with a grin and tried to memorise the sound of his laugh, watching how his face seemed to light up.

One of the clones announced that you would be landing in a matter of minutes and Anakin turned to you, his grin fading into an encouraging smile as he reached over to rest his hand on your shoulder again, giving it a gentle squeeze before he led you over to Obi-Wan who smiled at the two of you.

Your first mission had gone…well it hadn’t gone great but it also wasn’t terrible. Even as you followed Anakin’s advice you still ended up nursing a broken arm from where you had been surrounded by battle droids after Obi-Wan had told you to stay hidden where you were whilst him and clones from the 212th handled the droids. 

You had fared well enough on your own for a while, able to hold off and destroy the few that had surrounded you but when more spotted the lone Jedi it hadn’t been long until you were outnumbered and as confident as you were with your skills you hadn’t been trained for real life situations and it was definitely more overwhelming than you’d originally thought.

One had managed to sneak up on you and sent you flying into one of the many tall rocks surrounding you and you’d managed to land funny on your good arm sending a shooting pain through you that had you crying out. You couldn’t let yourself focus on it though, not as the droids surrounded you and you forced yourself up, ignoring the burning pain and focused on the droids.

Thankfully the 501st caught up to Obi-Wan’s battalion pretty quickly and before you could register it Anakin had jumped over the droids, moving so he was back to back with you and throwing you a grin over his shoulder.

“Jumping right in then, huh, Y/N?” He chuckled and you couldn’t help but smile back at him, even with the ache in your arm as you waved your lightsaber through two droids.

“I like a challenge.” You grinned right back before the two of you focused your attentions on the fighter droids, you finding it was much easier to deal with them once you had a bit of back up.

You and Anakin dealt with them easily enough after that, the two of you surrounded by broken droid parts just as Obi-Wan showed up and looked at the mess. Anakin slung his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close to him as he led you over to Obi-Wan whilst the troopers made their way to the building that had been taken over by Separatists.

“She did well out there, Obi-Wan.” Anakin said, smiling down at you and you desperately tried to not let it show just how much this closeness was affecting you, how the feel of his arm around you, holding you close would be a feeling you would try to remember for a long time.

“Are you alright?” Obi-Wan asked softly, looking you up and down as to check for injuries.

You knew the mission wasn’t over yet, knew that there were more droids inside to deal with and you wanted to help, you didn’t want to be benched on your first mission. So you ignored the pain in your arm and nodded at the man.

“I’m fine, Master.” You told him and watched as he looked at you for a second longer before nodding back and gesturing for you and Anakin to follow the troopers into the building.

Anakin only removed his arm from your shoulder when more droids appeared but he made sure to keep you close to him, positioning himself so he was taking on the brunt of the droids, members of his battalion coming over to help. You forced yourself to focus, there would be plenty of time to let your thoughts wander about Anakin later but now you were in the middle of a battle.

With the number of clones and having three Jedi it wasn’t a long battle against the droids, though it felt longer as more and more seemed to flood from different doors, and eventually the control of the building, as well as the planet was back with the Republic. 

You were glad that the battle was done, your arm was aching, shooting pains ran up and down it and when you peaked under your sleeve you winced at how swollen and bruised it was already. Thankfully you knew it would be a quick fix once you got back to Coruscant but you had no idea if you were even going back there or if Obi-Wan had another mission planned already.

Anakin finished talking to one of the clones before he scanned the room, you watched as his eyes locked onto you and he shot you a grin as he made his way over to you, not hesitating to wrap his arm around your shoulder again, this time brushing against your arm causing you to wince and he pulled back immediately.

“Are you hurt?” He asked, his eyes scanning you up and down much like Obi-Wan had before.

“It’s nothing.” You told him, trying to brush it off but he caught your hand in his gently and you forced yourself to stay still, to not react.

Anakin carefully pulled your sleeve up, pausing to look up at you apologetically when you winced again only to wince himself as he saw your bruised and swollen arm.

“Ouch.” He hissed, his thumb brushing soothingly across your knuckles causing you to smile softly. “Come one, Kix will fix you right up once we’re back on the ship.” 

You smiled over at him as he pulled you along with him, your hand fitting in his like it was part of a puzzle piece and you tried to keep the smile off your face, tried to stop yourself from glancing down to memorise how his fingers looked tangled in yours but you couldn’t help but let your eyes wander.

Even when the two of you got back to the ship and Anakin led you over to a clone, Kix, your mind supplied, he didn’t leave you even though you knew he was supposed to be with Obi-Wan reporting back to the Council. He sat by your side and kept a hold of your good hand, letting his thumb brush across your knuckles, until Kix had patched you up, smiling at you and warning you to take it easy as you left.

You knew from that day something had changed, the Force around you seemed to soar when you and Anakin were near each other, practically buzzing with happiness whenever you touched. It was like something significant had happened, something you weren’t even aware of and you didn’t question it, if it meant that having Anakin around then you weren’t complaining.

___________________

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I See You In My Dreams

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Requsted - Yes, @pokey-hedgehog, I'm so sorry this took so long, hope you enjoy it🤎

Prompts -  Forehead kiss, sleepy hug, "I had a nightmare about you and I wanted to make sure you were okay." & "It'll be alright, it was just a nightmare."

You shot upright in your bed, head spinning at the speed in which you’d shifted from laying down to sitting up. The bedsheets moved with you, falling from your chest to gather around your waist as your fingers buried themselves into the fabric. You could hear the sound of your heart hammering in your chest, the sound seemingly echoing around the whole room and your breaths came out in quick little pants that made you even dizzier.

You knew it had been a nightmare, it was one version of the same nightmare you’d been having for months now, each time it ended the same way even if the events leading up to the outcome differed.

Usually you were able to calm down, able to control your breathing and ground yourself with reality. Usually waking up after this nightmare had you lying awake for an hour or so before you finally drifted off again but tonight was different.

Tonight your brain refused to cooperate with the rational side of things, the side that told you Frank was in the room right next to yours, alive and breathing. Logically you knew he was safe but there was a pit in your stomach, anxiety spreading through your whole body as flashes of Frank’s dead body filled your mind and tears began to fall down your cheeks.

Ever since Frank had unintentionally saved you from the gang you had been sold to years ago you had been in his care, no family to speak of and nowhere to call home. You knew at first Frank hadn’t expected you to live with him but after a few months he had confessed to you one night that he didn’t want you to leave, that you always had a space here, had a place that was home. 

Before he had told you that you were still keeping yourself closed off from the man, of course you soaked up his kind touches and soft words, things you hadn’t experienced in as long as you could remember, but you also didn’t want to get too attached, knowing the man would want you gone as soon as possible. Once he had told you he wanted you to stay things shifted between the two of you, you started seeking out his comfort without him needing to initiate it first, now if you were having a bad day you didn’t feel scared to curl up next to him with your head on his shoulder, waiting for his arm to wrap around you and pull you even closer and talk openly with him. 

Life with Frank was easy, it was nice, and you were so glad he had found you all those months ago.

He hadn’t had an easy time getting you out though, you knew every secret that the gang had, people were quite willing to speak around you, not seeing you as a person so much as a thing to be beat on and snapped at. Frank had you behind him, his jacket covering your body as he shot gang member after gang member. You were so relieved to be finally getting out, to see that these men couldn’t hurt you anymore but when one peaked out from his hiding spot, spotting Frank before Frank saw him and fired bullet after bullet you felt your heart stop and your blood run cold, tears falling faster down your face as you began to mourn both your freedom and the man who hadn’t hesitated to pull you out, to put himself between you and the rain of bullets.

In reality, Frank stumbled back with the force of the bullets but otherwise didn’t seem too concerned as he turned his own gun and fired it once, hitting the man straight away and you could only watch through shocked, bleary eyes as his body slumped to the ground lifelessly. When he moved forward but realised you weren’t following him he turned around in concern and you sobbed in relief as you saw the bullet proof vest, Frank’s eyes softening as he pulled you into his arms and led you out of the building, one hand cupping the back of your head to keep you buried against his chest and not able to see him kill more people. 

In your dreams it was always different versions of the same thing. Sometimes Frank didn’t have the protection of the bulletproof vest, sometimes the gunman aimed for Frank’s head, each time you were frozen to the spot, helpless to do anything but sink to your knees beside the lifeless body and sob into his chest. The dreams became more intense, more real, more terrifying the closer you got to Frank. Losing him when he had first taken you from the gang would have hurt but if it happened now you weren’t so sure you would recover.

Finally the overwhelming anxiety and fear became too much as your head produced image after image of Frank dead in a pool of his own blood and you had to pull yourself from the bed, every inch of your body shaking despite the fact that you felt like you were on fire and beads of sweat pooled on your forehead.

You quickly but quietly made your way out of your bedroom door and over to Frank’s. The door was already left half open, something you knew Frank did to let you know you were welcome at any time, something which you were immensely grateful for now as you slipped through the gap and into his room. 

It was still dark outside but the streetlights casted enough of a glow that you could see Frank lying in bed, unfortunately the blankets covered his chest so you couldn’t just quietly confirm that he was in fact still breathing and slip out again. Instead seeing him so still had more tears sliding down your face and your breathing quickening even though it was already impossibly fast already.

You stepped closer until your legs knocked against the bed and huffed a sigh of relief as Frank shifted before his eyes opened, heavy with sleep before they filled with concern and he sat up, immediately reaching for you, and pulling you down onto the bed with him, his arms wrapping around you and pressing you against his chest. Frank rocked the two of you back and forth in an attempt to calm you down but something about seeing that he was alright seemed to cause your sobs to louden and your breathing to become even more erratic.

“M’sorry, m’sorry,” You managed to choke out between sobs but the man just shushed you, continuing to rock you in his arms.

“None of that now, sweetheart.” Frank murmured, pressing his lips to your temple, and feeling how hot and sweaty the skin was. “You’re alright, I’ve got ya, I got ya, kid.” 

“I had a nightmare,” you sobbed into his chest, somehow forcing the words out even with how much your chest hurt from your sharp breaths, “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m alright, kid, I’m right here, not going anywhere, you don’t gotta worry about that.” Frank told you softly but firmly as his heart ached at seeing his kid in such a state. 

“You’re okay?” You managed to ask again and Frank pulled you back far enough so you could see his face and the soft, comforting smile he gave you.

“I’m okay, ain’t nothing gonna happen to me.” He promised and with those words you sagged against him, Frank felt the tension leave you as you melted into him, gripping his shirt like it was your only lifeline. “Hey, you wanna copy my breathing for me? Deep breaths in and out for me, yeah just like that, attagirl,” Frank praised, feeling himself relax as your breathing finally began to slow into a normal rhythm. “That’s my girl, that’s my girl, good job, you’re okay, I got ya.” 

It felt like it had been hours but finally your breathing was steady, your chest still ached but you could breathe easier now and your sobs had slowed to sniffles as a result of the constant rocking and comforting words being whispered by Frank. 

Now you were just left feeling exhausted and drained, any bit of energy you had had simply disappeared but you still pulled back slightly, not going far but far enough so you could look up at Frank who gave you a soft smile, letting one of his hands come up to wipe at your cheeks softly.

“I saw you die.” You whispered, afraid that saying the words out loud would make them true but instead Frank’s smile widened a small bit and he shook his head.

“I ain’t dying on you, don’t gotta worry about that.” Frank assured you, using the hand on your cheek to guide your head towards him so that he could lean down slightly and press a soft, lingering kiss to your forehead which you easily relaxed into, making no move to pull away until he did. “It’ll be alright, it was just a nightmare, you ain’t getting rid of me that easy.” 

The words pulled a laugh out of you that sounded strained but still made Frank’s face light up as he looked down at you and you pulled your arms from where they were trapped between your body and Frank’s to wrap them around his waist, Frank not even hesitating to wrap you in his arms again, holding you close.

You felt your eyes become heavy and found them falling shut as you hugged Frank, one of his hands running up and down your back in a way that made it even easier to relax into him and you couldn't help but cuddle further into him, a smile pulling at your lips as you felt more than heard his chuckle from your place against his chest.

You had figured you weren’t getting any sleep for the rest of the night, figured your emotions would be too all over the place and mind too distracted but by the time Frank was repositioning the two of you so that you were laying down in his bed, you resting more on him than the mattress you found you were already more than halfway asleep and couldn’t find the strength to open your eyes again.

The last thing you felt before you fell asleep was Frank’s lips on your head and his softly murmured assurance that he was ok, that you could sleep now and he’d watch over you before you did as he said and drifted off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep safe in the man’s arms, the steady beat of his heart under your head letting you know he was safe too.

___________________

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August

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Prompts - 'It is August. My life is going to change. I can feel it.'

The change from July to August passed as easily as it always did, the weather was still warm, birds could still be heard chirping away and yet you couldn’t help but feel off. More than half the year had passed and it had passed without anything remarkable happening. The years had all seemed to pass the same lately and no matter how much you promised yourself this one would be different it seemed it was destined to be anything but. 

Of course just when you give up hope of something great, something remarkable happening, is often when your life changes most. 

It was a regular Monday and you were getting by on nothing but a few hours of sleep as you walked the busy streets with a hot to-go cup warming your hands, mind not completely awake just yet and not at all focused on your surroundings. It shouldn’t have been a surprise when you were suddenly jolted, nearly falling to the floor before a pair of arms caught you. 

“Oh god, I am so sorry, are you alright, love?” You looked up, eyes widening at the man holding you in the middle of a busy London street.

His voice was soft and it washed over you, calming your racing heart from both being crashed into and from the man himself, beautiful and captivating and staring at you. 

Of course, you hadn’t answered him and with a mental slap to your face you cleared your throat and answered the question, straightening up as you did, smiling as the man’s arms didn’t leave you. 

“I’m alright, thank you. Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.” You apologised, smiling softly at him, and watching as he mirrored the expression back, your heart seemingly skipping a beat at how beautiful the smile made him look. 

“Oh no, it’s my fault really, completely in a world of my own.” He chuckled and you couldn’t help but grin at him. “Oh bugger, your drink! Let me buy you a new one, if you’re not in a rush of course.” 

You weren’t in a rush thankfully but even if you had been you thought you would have cancelled any plans then and there if it meant being able to spend a single second longer in the man’s presence. 

“Thank you, you don’t have to though.” You told him but he just shook his head, cutting you off before you could say anything else. 

“No, no really I insist.” He told you, finally drawing his arms back with a sheepish smile and you felt the loss immediately but didn’t dwell on it, instead your smile widened as you nodded. 

“Then I’d like that, thank you.” You said and his whole face seemed to brighten up as he shifted his bag on his shoulder before nodding and gesturing for you to follow him. 

What were you doing, this was completely unlike you to go off with a man you’d just met, one that was a complete stranger and yet it didn’t seem like he was. Something about this man seemed to put you at ease, radiating safety and warmth and you were drawn to him immediately. 

You’d been saying you wanted things to change, months passed in the same old cycle and this was a welcome break in the chain. Perhaps August was the month for it. 

“I’m Steven by the way, nice to meet you.” Steven, it suited him nicely. 

“I’m Y/N,” you told him, sending him a smile back, completely unable to help the way it spread across your face as you looked at him. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

The two of you walked side by side, looking to the outside world like a pair of old friends or lovers out for a morning stroll. Steven, for all that he stammered and fidgeted, was surprisingly confident in carrying the conversation, rambling on about whatever came to his mind, asking questions about you, where you were from, what you were interested in and he responded in kind and by the time the two of you came to the coffee shop neither of you wanted to leave the others company. 

“If you’re, well, if maybe by some chance you weren’t busy would you perhaps like to have a drink?” Steven managed to ask and you felt your heart beat faster and your shoulders relax. “With me I mean.”

“Yeah,” you told him with a soft, almost fond breath of laughter as you nodded, watching as he grinned at you, “Yeah, I’d like that.”

As the two of you ordered Steven felt the ball of nervous energy in the pit of his stomach grow, completely outside of his comfort zone and yet something about you put him at ease and made it easy for him to take a breath and relax. 

It wasn’t long before the two of you were seated with drinks in front of you, Steven’s fingers tapping a steady rhythm on the sides of his cup. Somehow this felt more intimate than walking the streets of London, sitting across from each other under the low light of some hole in the wall coffee shop and yet, despite the nerves you both felt, neither of you could think of anywhere else you’d rather be.

“So where were you off to before we crashed into each other?” Steven asked with a grin and you felt yourself relax even more, glad for the easy conversation and the chance to memorise his features some more.

“I was heading to the museum, I have an interview and wanted to get there earlier to make sure I knew where to go.” You told him, watching as he seemed to perk up at the mention of the museum before his eyes widened.

“Oh god, you have an interview and I pulled you away from it. You really didn’t have to-” Steven began but you just chuckled softly, shaking your head, and cutting him off.

“It’s fine, really, my interview isn’t until after lunch, trust me I’ve got plenty of time and I’d rather be here with you than nervously pacing around the museum.” You laughed and watched as he relaxed, a soft laugh escaping him.

“You have an interview though, that’s great!” Steven beamed at you and somehow this stranger opposite you seemed just as excited as you were at the offer and you were glad to have somebody around who shared your excitement. “That’s really amazing, honestly you’ll love it, I worked there for a bit but it didn’t work out.” He told you, his nose scrunching up slightly as he shook his head and you couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Hopefully I’ll love it if I even get the job. What happened with you?” You asked and watched as he turned to look out of the window for a second before shaking his head and turning his attention back to you.

“Oh you know, had a bit of a nasty run in with a jackal and caused some property damage.” He told you, tone so serious that it drew a laugh from you and he couldn’t stop himself from laughing along with you.

“And yet somehow not the worst reason I’ve heard for being fired.” You chuckled before taking a sip from your drink.

Conversation flowed easily from there, somehow you felt like you had known this man, this stranger, for your whole life, like the two of you were long-time friends who hadn’t seen each other for a while and were simply spending time catching up on everything that had happened since you’d last seen one another, except in this case it was catching up on each other’s entire lives.

It was nice talking to Steven, nice to have somebody around who shared the same interests as you, who seemed genuinely interested and listened to every word that left your mouth. Something about Steven made you feel light, feel a happiness that you hadn’t known you had been missing. 

The man was a simply just a stranger who had happened to bump into you and yet here the two of you were, turning an accident into something that would change your futures, would steer you two down a different path, one where your lives became so entwined it would be impossible to remember a time before knowing one another.

You smiled as you listened to him talk, couldn’t help but silently thank the universe or whatever god what listening for sending Steven Grant your way, for having him knock into you and for having you leave for your interview with enough time to spare for meeting Steven. 

Mid-sentence Steven cut himself off, glancing towards the window next to the two of you again causing you to raise your eyebrows and follow his gaze but saw nothing so instead you turned back to him just in time to see his eyes widen as he looked back to you.

“It’s nearly time for your interview!” He told you and your eyes widened as you pulled your phone out, frowning down at the time, easily getting lost in the conversation with Steven and not realising how much time had passed before debating just how much your interview was worth if it meant leaving Steven’s side. 

If you hadn’t been waiting for this job to come around for months you might have genuinely left the interview but you knew you had to leave no matter how much you wanted to stay. Instead you looked back up at Steven with an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry,” You started but Steven cut you off with a smile, shaking his head fondly.

“None of that now, you have to get to your interview. I know you’re gonna smash it.” He told you and again you were almost taken back by how much this stranger seemed to be rooting for your success.

“It was really nice to meet you, Steven.” You hated that you had to leave, wanted nothing more than to sit in this cosy little coffee shop and just get to know everything about the man in front of you. Instead you started to stand but Steven stopped you before you could.

“I, oh god, don’t bugger this up now mate,” you smiled as he spoke to himself, watching in amusement as he shook his head before glancing up at you with a sheepish smile, “I don’t usually, well when I say usually I do mean ever, but anyway I don’t do this but you are really beautiful, I mean look at you, you’re stunning and I would hate myself if I didn’t ask you if I could see you again.” Steven rambled his way through his attempt to ask you out all the while your smile grew wider.

“I’d really like that.” You said, pulling your phone out again before handing it to him, “here give me your number.”

The two of you swapped phone numbers before walking out of the coffee shop together, each heading in opposite directions and pausing to say a goodbye.

“I’m really glad I met you,” Steven murmured, his eyes widening like he hadn’t meant to say the words out loud causing you to laugh softly, “I can’t wait to see you again.”

“I’m glad we met too.” You told him honestly, somehow feeling more of a connection with a man you’d known for less than two hours than with anyone else you had met in a really long time.

“I should let you go then I suppose, big interview and all that.” He smiled and you couldn’t help but mirror the expression. “Good luck, Y/N, not that you need it, they’d be stupid not to hire you.”

“Thank you,” You laughed, knowing you really had to leave now or you’d be late. “I’ll see you soon, right?”

“I should hope so, I think I’d rather like to have you in my life.” Steven said and the words were so honest that you couldn’t help the soft smile that spread across your face, feeling a soft blush on your cheeks as you ducked your head before glancing back up at him.

The two of you finally said your goodbyes, walking away with matching wide smiles before turning back to sneak one final glance at each other. It seemed after weeks, after months of pleading with the world it had finally given you an answer to your questions, a cure to the lonely, repetitive days in the form of Steven Grant. You could feel the shift when you were with him, a moment that you hoped and pleaded would be life changing, echoing Steven’s sentiment and wanting nothing more than to have him in your life.

You really hoped August was the month to change your life and really hoped Steven Grant would become a constant presence at your side. 

__________________

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Answer Honestly

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Prompts -  “Ever heard of the 36 Questions that lead to love?”

From the moment you’d been called into your bosses’ office in the States and told you were relocating to Columbia to assist the DEA in capturing Pablo Escobar every day was hectic. There was always something happening, a new lead, a new dead end, a new body, a new bombing. Between proving that you could work just as well as the men on the team and the constant disappointment of always being a step behind Escobar you were exhausted and were glad for the short period when Escobar disappeared.

The silence from Escobar felt like a victory in itself. From what you understood the man had very few supporters left, even the people of Colombia seemed to turn away from him as the days went by. Just because Escobar was hiding away and trying to plan his next move didn’t mean the DEA didn’t have work to do, a steady number of anonymous calls still poured in but the workload had definitely eased up for the first time since you’d joined the hunt for Escobar. 

Which left more room for you to sit at your desk which Steve had shoved into the room to rest against both his and Javier’s. 

The bickering and arguing had always been a constant sound whenever you and Javier where in the same room as each other but since Escobar wasn’t active the sound became a more regular occurrence that lasted until the end of your shifts as you didn’t leave the building as much as you did when you were following leads.

The arguments with Javier always began over nothing, there was never any real heat behind the words you threw at each other. Sure the two of you had rubbed each other the wrong way since you’d arrived in Colombia but at the end of the day, despite the glares and angry words, you had each other’s back. 

Plus fighting with Javier was so enjoyable, you couldn’t help but provoke him and push him into fighting with you, watching as his fist clenched and he took a step closer to you…you might not like the man but even you couldn’t deny he was attractive.

“Where’s Steve?” You asked as Javier sat down in his seat, leaning back and rolling his eyes at you.

“Good morning to you too,” he grumbled, hands coming up to rest on his chest, “he’s following a lead.”

The words caused you to perk up. It wasn’t like you weren’t glad for Escobar’s silence but you really weren’t cut out for sitting at your desk all day, you were meant to be out there taking out the bad guys.

“Don’t get too excited, we already know it’s not leading anywhere.” And just as quickly as you’d sat up you were slouching in your seat again, a huff leaving you as you pulled a magazine close to you and flicked it onto a random page.

Javier had yet to take his eyes off you and watched the exact moment your face shifted from boredom to a look that usually meant Javier was about to be annoyed. He barely suppressed a sigh as you grinned over at him, sitting a little straighter in your chair.

“Hey Javi, would you like to be famous?” You asked him, causing him to look at you questioningly.

“What?” He asked when it became clear you weren’t going to say anything else. 

“Just answer the question,” You told him, laying the magazine on the desk as you leaned your elbows against it, turning your body towards him, “Do you want to be famous?”

“No.” He finally gave in, causing your grin to widen.

“Really?” You asked and watched as Javier rolled his eyes again. “I think it’d be kinda fun, no?”

“Why are you asking me if I want to be famous?” He asked but you ignored him and looked back to the magazine. 

“Ok, here’s a good one, tell me something you like about me.” You said, eyes shifting to lock with his and smiling as you saw his face, looking at you with his usual level of annoyance. 

“You’re gonna be waiting a long time for that answer.” Javier said, causing you to roll your eyes at him. 

“Come on,” you said, a slight whine in your tone, “just answer the questions. I’m bored and wanna see if it works.”

“See if what works?” Javier asked again, hands moving to grab the magazine but you pulled it back just before he could.

“Ever heard of the 36 questions that lead to love?” You asked him, grinning at the unimpressed look you received as an answer. “It’s meant to make two strangers fall in love with each other, I wanna see if it’ll work on us.”

“You want to fall in love with me?” Javier said with a smirk, tone immediately more flirty than it ever was when talking to you and you rolled your eyes at him.

“Obviously not, I want you to fall madly in love with me so that I can break your heart,” You told him, watching as he nodded along unbelievingly but you ignored him and continued, “Now, tell me something you like about me.”

There was a long pause, the silence stretching out as Javier looked at you, as if he were actually considering his answer. You didn’t look away from his stare, just raised an eyebrow at him and waited to see if he was capable of giving you a genuine answer…of saying something nice about you.

“I like your determination.” He finally told you, voice steady even if he didn’t look entirely comfortable at his own honesty and when you eyebrows knitted together he expanded on his answer without meaning to. “Your very first day, you walked through those doors and made it clear you weren’t just a pretty face for the office, you were an agent who was here to do a job.”

Another silence passed between the two of you before Javier cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“Pretty sure you’re supposed to say something nice about me now.” He told you, gesturing to the magazine in your hands and you nodded though you were as silent for as long as Javier had been. 

It wasn’t hard to come up with reasons you liked Javier, despite the fact you could count the number of genuine conversations you’d had with the man on one hand and all the others had been mostly arguments you weren’t denying he was a good person. The arguments weren’t serious and even with them, hell mostly because of them, you had actually started liking Javier as you spent more time with him.

“You care about people,” You said, frowning at your own words as they didn’t seem enough and like him you elaborated. “If somebody you cared about was in danger you’d do everything you could to make sure they were safe but it's not even just that, you know? Like that time we were fighting and I stormed off and ended up with that broken ankle,” the sound of Javier’s chuckle caused you to finally look up at him, a smile on his face as he recalled the day you were talking about, “we were pissed as hell at each other but you still took me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time.”

“I kept speaking to you in Spanish because you couldn’t understand it and you were too caught up arguing with me that you didn’t even focus on the pain.” A surprised look spread across your face as you finally understood why he had barely spoken in English the whole drive to the hospital. “¿Próxima pregunta? (Next question?)” He asked with a smirk tugging at his lips and you grinned without meaning to.

“Si fuéramos a ser amigos cercanos, ¿qué es una cosa que deberíamos saber sobre la otra? (If we were to be close friends, what is one thing we should know about each other?)” You asked, watching as his smirk grew into a smile as you answered in perfect Spanish.

“I’m stubborn-” You answered first, glaring as Javier cut you off with a sarcastic scoff.

“You stubborn?” He asked, grin on his face as you rolled the magazine up and reached over to whack his arm.

“But I have the best intentions, even if it doesn’t always work out right.” Javier’s face seemed to soften at your answer as he could only stare at you for a moment before shaking his head and answering you himself.

“I’m a mess,” He admitted, voice quieter than it had been moments before, “sometimes the weight of everything we do, the weight of what we see feels like it’s gonna suffocate me.”

Just as Javier had softened at your answer you did the same with his, eyes widening a tiny bit as a soft smile spread across your face, nodding in understanding at his words, knowing first hand just how overwhelming the job was some days.

“We’ll catch him.” You said just as softly as he had spoken and his eyes shifted so they were looking directly into yours, seeing how much you meant those words.

“Yeah, I know we will.” He told you after a moment of silence passed between you.

After sharing another smile Javier prompted you to ask another question and then another one and another one until the two of you had somehow drifted closer to each other, the magazine now spread out in front of the two of you as you made your way through the questions. You and Javier confessing your most embarrassing moments, admitting to the last time you’d cried and sharing stories of your families and your upbringing. 

People glanced over at the pair of you, the sight of the two of you leaning into each other, both laughing and smiling and not a nasty word to be heard was an unusual sight, one nobody in the office could ever recall seeing. 

You and Javier remained completely oblivious to the reactions of your colleagues, both too caught up in each other, trading answers with each other and finding it hard to believe how much you wanted to know the answer to questions about Javier’s family or what his most treasured memory was.

Despite realising it you were having the most genuine conversation with Javier Peña you had ever had. Hell Javier thought this might have been the most real conversation he’d had with anyone ever and was shocked by how much he wanted you to know his story, by how much he wanted to know yours, completely hooked on every word you had to say and committing the words to memory. 

There had always been something beyond the heated arguments and words thrown carelessly between the two of you, something beyond the looks disguised as glares but neither of you would have admitted it. Neither of you even acknowledged it, refusing to look for a deeper meaning to a routine that had become a comfort, a constant thing you could count on considering how fast things could change given your line of work. 

“Última pregunta. (Last question.)” Javier said, his eyes moving from the pages in front of you to look into your eyes, hating that this moment was about to end and you’d go back to hating each other.

“For what in your life do you feel most grateful?” You asked and there was a sadness to your tone too, not knowing if you could forget this afternoon and carry on fighting the man before you.

Javier hesitated, an answer on the tip of his tongue but unsure whether he could force the words out. They were true, he knew they were but before today would never have even thought to say them. If he didn’t say them though he was damning himself to a life of pretending, pretending to hate you, pretending his feelings weren’t there. He was exhausted with the job weighing down on him, he didn’t want another weight added to the already unmanageable one on his shoulders. 

“Meeting you.” He confessed finally, the second the words left his lips he knew there was no taking them back but he found he didn’t care, he didn’t want to take them back, didn’t want them to be a secret. “Meeting you is the thing I’m most grateful for.”

You couldn’t do anything but stare at Javier. For so long the two of you fought, you argued, you snapped and glared at each other but underneath that you cared for each other. You knew without a doubt that you would take a bullet for him, knew he would take one just as quickly for you. You knew that if anything ever happened to him you’d be crushed, knew it would feel like you were losing a bit of yourself. 

It was like the feelings had always been there, hidden under the surface never to be looked at and yet somehow, with a few questions, those feelings were on full display for anyone to see and you weren’t even mad. Sure you were scared as hell as to what would happen between you and Javier but you didn’t regret that it was out in the open, in fact with the line of work the two of you were in you welcomed the small slice of happiness that could come from this conversation.

“I’m grateful we had this conversation.” You told him, voice quiet and any noise from around the office fading out as Javier shot you a shy smile that you easily returned, feeling your cheeks heat up as Javier placed his hand on yours and gave it a soft squeeze.

“Who would’ve thought some questions from a damn magazine would be the thing to get us talking?” Javier said and it was like those were the magic words to settle the nerves as you let out a laugh, Javier laughing along with you and memorising the way your face shifted and lit up as you laughed, a warm feeling in his chest at being the one to draw that reaction from you.

“So are you in love with me yet?” You asked with a grin that nearly took Javier’s breath away.

“Why?” He asked, the smile on his lips so wide it almost ached, “¿Aún quieres romperme el corazón? (Do you still want to break my heart?)”

Your grin shifted in a soft smile as you shook your head, watching as Javier’s eyes shifted to your lips but he shook his head too and brushed his thumb across your knuckles.

“Can I take you out this weekend?” He asked you, nervous bubbling in his chest, the kind of nerves he hadn’t had for many years.

A few hours ago the thought of Javier Peña going on a date would have been laughable, this man didn’t do dates, he didn’t do commitment, he did fast hookups and not much else and yet you trusted him not to use you for nothing more than sex. It was easy to believe his intentions for a date were true when he was looking at you with a nervous smile and soft eyes.

“Pick me up a seven.” You told him and he grinned at you as he nodded, squeezing your hand one last time before you were both interrupted.

“Pablo Escobar was spotted at the airport,” Steve said causing both your heads to snap over to him at the new information but then you watched him slump down in his chair and huff out and annoyed breath, “Of course he wasn’t but I still had to run through the whole damn airport just to check. Hope you two had a better day than I did.”

You and Javier both looked away from Steve and shot each other a look that turned into twin smiles causing Steve to raise an eyebrow as he looked between the two of you before his eyes landed on your joined hands.

“A much better day by the looks of it.” He grinned and you laughed as Javier rolled his eyes but he didn’t pull away from you as he slouched back in his seat, quickly changing the conversation to work as you sat mostly in silence, sneaking glances at Javier as he spoke, a smile playing on your lips as you counted down the hours until your date.

Who would have thought it would only take thirty six questions for you to fall for Javier Peña?

_________

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Speak Now

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Prompts - I am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white-veil occasion, but you are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl

Synopsis - When Loki is forced to marry a Princess you only have two options speak now or forever hold your peace.

Falling in love with a Prince of Asgard had never been you plan, of course it was a dream many around you had but no one was foolish enough to believe it could happen and yet here you were, head over heels for the Prince who made you feel like you were something more than just a servant, a helper to the palace, made you feel like you were the most important person in all the realms. 

It wasn’t easy to pinpoint the exact moment your relationship had shifted so drastically, had changed from just a way to blow off steam into what it had become, the two of you falling hard for each other. Not that it got acknowledged, how could it? You knew no matter how much you and Loki cared for one another, no matter how much love was between the two of you, nothing could ever come from it, it was something you thought about more often than you’d like because no matter how hard you tried to push it away it always lingered.

Despite the consequences, despite how forbidden your relationship was, despite how nothing could ever come from it, you and Loki were determined to make every moment count. Now it wasn’t just about sex, it wasn’t about sharing a bottle of something to forget your troubles, instead it was about sneaking off to a quiet corner of Asgard, far, far away from anybody else and stealing magical moments together.

Some days the two of you went exploring, despite living on Asgard your whole life you had seen so little of the planet and Loki was the best guide, knowing all the secret spots that hadn’t been explored for so long. Other days Loki had set up picnics by the lakes, sometimes the two of you were content to stroll through the hidden woods or find a patch of grass and bask in the sun, you held against Loki’s chest as his hand absentmindedly played with yours. Some days you were more than happy to stay in your chambers at the palace, safely locked away from the outside world and tucked up against each other, so tangled together it was hard to see where you started and Loki ended, the day passed in a blur of softly spoken words and gentle kisses.

You knew you shouldn’t have let yourself grow attached, knew it was dangerous to fall in love with the God and yet the thing was you couldn’t stop yourself from loving him, couldn’t contain the feelings you felt. You could only stand by and feel as they grew stronger and stronger with each stolen meeting. It wasn’t spoken aloud though, Loki knew how you felt just as you knew how he felt and that was enough, it had to be enough because there couldn’t be anything else.

You knew he wasn’t yours, no matter how easy it was to pretend in the moments you had together and yet when the news broke you felt like your heart had been ripped out of your chest and immediately felt the hollow emptiness from where it had once been, felt your blood go cold and you had to fight to stay standing, to not let your knees give out. Tears filled your eyes but you had to blink them away, you couldn’t let them fall until you were back in your chambers, alone. 

“Prince Loki of Asgard is to be married to Princess Astra of Svartalfheim on the eve of the sixth day.” 

The announcement caused an immediate reaction around you, people cheered and celebrated and you had never felt more alone surrounded amongst so many. Loki wasn’t yours, he had never been. 

As you pushed your way through the celebrating crowds you couldn’t help the small spark of anger that seemed to ignite in you, a sudden emotion that contrasted so harshly with the emptiness it caused to pause for a moment before continuing to make your way to your chambers. You couldn’t help but feel betrayed, sure you knew that you and Loki had never belonged to each other, that the many months you’d spent at each other's side didn’t mean anything to anyone else but you thought they meant something to him. You hated that you’d had to hear about the news just as every other person had, you thought you at least deserved to be warned, to hear it from the man himself and yet when you had seen him only that morning he made no mention of his upcoming big day.

The second you entered the safety of your rooms your back hit the closed door and you couldn’t stay standing any longer, sitting on the floor, back against the door as the tears finally flooded down your cheeks, sobs leaving you and if anyone could hear the sobs coming from you they would send a chill down their spine. They were the kind of sobs nobody ever wanted to hear, gut wrenching and ones that spoke of true loss, of having the one person you cared deeply for ripped away from you, the person you loved snatched from your grasp.

You couldn’t say just how long you stayed curled against the door, tears finally seeming to run dry and you could do nothing but sit there, staring ahead, unseeing as your mind continued to play the news on a continuous loop that was sure to drive you insane. 

At some point you managed to drag yourself up, managed to set yourself down on your sofa but couldn’t do more than that. You couldn’t bring yourself to deal with the news, couldn’t bring yourself to do more than sit and think about everything, about how foolish you were, how somebody like you, somebody who was nothing in the eyes of royalty, had fallen for the Prince himself. It was a foolish, reckless thing and yet even with all the hurt and anger and betrayal you felt, you knew you wouldn’t take a single second of it back, wouldn’t change a single moment of your time together and if all you had left was the memories of Loki then that had to be enough. 

The frantic knocking at your door shouldn’t have startled you as much as it did but you were so absorbed in your own thoughts that you jumped at the noise. There was only one person it could be and you hesitated before standing only to stop at the door, hand on the handle debating if you should open it.

“Please Y/N,” You heard Loki call softly and had to clasp a hand over your mouth, somehow just hearing his voice was enough to bring on a fresh wave of tears. “Please darling, let me explain.”

Loki waited a moment before sighing so softly that it couldn’t be heard from your side of the door. He leaned against the wall next to your door as he began talking again, knowing that everything had fallen to pieces. How had he been at your side only a few hours earlier, easy smiles as you basked in the soft glow of the morning light, soft words spoken between you and even softer kisses shared before the two of you were forced up by your duties.

“You have to believe me, darling, I didn’t know.” Loki swore and you couldn’t help the small sob that escaped you as you listened to him. “I had no idea, not until I was called into the throne room, not until I was being introduced to her, to my new wife.” 

The last three words were snarled out, his tone shifting from that soft, light one he always seemed to use around you to one you knew was usually reserved for arguments with Odin. It gave you hope that he truly was clueless to the news, made you think he did treasure your time together as much as you did.

“You had to know I tried to fight it, to fight for us, but it’s no use, not against Father.” He sighed and frowned, you, yourself, sniffing as you tried to still your tears. “It isn’t even to secure peace between our Kingdoms, not that that would make this better but at least it would be for something. No, this is entirely Father’s doing, another way for him to control my life. I didn’t want this, my darling, if you believe nothing else I’ve said, please believe that.”

You did believe it, you had to believe it because if you didn’t then that meant that every moment you had spent together, every moment you held close to your heart had meant nothing to him. With watery eyes you took a deep breath and pulled the door open causing Loki to look up at you through wide, apologetic eyes.

Not caring about any of the palace stuff who could be loitering around their chambers Loki pulled you into his arms, the feeling of safety and warmth and home so overwhelming that tears slid down your cheeks again much to your annoyance, you were so fed up with crying and yet you couldn’t stop them from falling.

Loki held you close, tucking you under his chin and refusing to let go even as he walked the two of you into your chambers, ignoring the sofa and leading the two of you to your bed. He didn’t waste any time pulling you down, shifting you against him so you were both comfortable as you buried your face in his chest, fists clenching the fabric of his clothes as you cried and he hated he could do little else but hold you close, murmuring soft apologises as he waited for your tears to calm.

“Must you get married?” You asked him quietly, well aware of the answer and asking it anyway.

“I’m afraid I have no say in the matter.” He told you with an unamused chuckle, frowning when you looked up at him with teary eyes. “Believe me, darling, if it were up to me it’d be you walking down that aisle this weekend.”

The words that were meant to comfort you sent an ache through your chest, if it were up to you it’d be you too but both of you were powerless. Somehow Loki was a Prince and he held as much control as you, a simple commoner who happened to work in the palace. 

“I wish it were me too.” You whispered to him before burying your face in his chest, holding him tightly as if to ingrain the feeling of him into your mind because soon enough that would be all you had of him, memories, and the ghost of him against your skin doomed to haunt you for the rest of your days.

Loki’s own arms tightened around you. When he had first made his way down to your chambers he had been furious, people moved as he stalked through the corridors as he seethed at the sudden news. News, he had been informed, that had been announced to the whole Asgard as he himself heard it and all he could think of was you hearing it, thinking of the betrayal you must have been feeling thinking he had known. Now as he held you he only felt weak, he wished he could stand up to Odin, wished he could stop this marriage before it could begin but he was powerless, there was nothing he could do.

Hours passed between the two of you in silence. There were so many words that needed to be said and yet neither of you wanted to break the silence, neither of you wanted to acknowledge the truth of the situation. Here in your chambers it was easy to pretend that the outside world wasn’t there, like Loki’s soon to be wife wasn’t outside of your doors somewhere. 

But the truth was she was and in just four days the two of them would be married and soon enough to Loki you would be nothing but a distant memory whereas to you Loki would always be your everything. Loki had a duty as Prince and if Odin demanded him to marry a Princess then how could Loki argue with that.

You had always known nothing would, nothing could come of your relationship with Loki but you had always hoped for more time, hoped something would change that allowed you to keep Loki to yourself. He was a Prince though and Princes didn’t marry people like you, they married Princesses, beautiful Princesses who grew up in palaces, surrounded by every luxury someone like you could only dream about.

And yet Loki had still chosen you, he had told you he’d rather it be you walking down the aisle. You had nothing to offer him, you weren’t anything special, you had no status, no family riches or power and yet he still wanted you. He was here with you now instead of with the Princess. 

You pulled away from his chest, just far enough so that you could look up at him, watching as he smiled softly down at you before he brought a hand up to brush a stray piece of hair away from your face, his hand drifting to cup your cheek, thumb brushing delicately under your eye and you couldn’t help but lean into the touch.

“I wish it was you.” He repeated his words from earlier softly, so softly that if you hadn’t been this close to him you would have missed them. 

Instead of replying you leaned up and closed the short distance between the two of you, brushing your lips against his before he pulled you closer, deepening the kiss but keeping it soft. His hand stayed on your cheek, his thumb brushing against your skin every so often and you only pulled away when the need for air became too much, resting your foreheads together as you caught your breath.

It wasn’t fair to say it, not now. The two of you both knew how you felt, those three words didn’t need to be spoken, not when you’d both known how much more it would hurt to leave each other once those words had been said but you couldn’t just not say them. You had to say them out loud at least once, he had to hear the words from your lips, it wasn’t enough for him to just know, you had to say them.

“I love you, Loki.” You whispered the confession, eyes still closed from the kiss. 

Loki was silent for a moment and you opened your eyes, catching sight of the smile on his face, one that spoke of amazement, of overwhelming happiness at hearing those words before you were closing them again as Loki leaned down and kissed you. This time the kiss was deeper, it was wilder and messier but it didn’t go farther than that though it took both of you longer to pull away this time, the two of you panting for air as you finally separated.

“Darling, I love you,” Loki whispered back, leaning down to peck your lips a few times before pulling away but not going far, “I love you more than you could ever know. Knowing you, sharing our time together has been the best part of my life and it kills me that it won’t be you walking down that aisle. My heart aches when I think of agreeing to marry her when my heart belongs only to you. No matter what happens, it will always belong to you.”

You refused to cry, didn’t think you had anymore tears left in you but felt yourself choke up at his words. Loki didn’t give you a chance to react more than that before he was leaning down to kiss you again and you tried to memorise everything about it, how it was messy and hurried but soft, his hand still caressing your cheek as the other wrapped around your waist, holding you in place, the feeling of his hair running through your fingers as your other hand gripped the fabric of his clothes.

All too soon he was pulling away, letting his forward rest against yours as he looked at you, seemingly having the same idea of carving this moment into his mind, not knowing the next time you’d get to steal even a second alone together, not knowing if you ever would again once he walked out of your door. 

“I have to go.” He told you apologetically and you took a breath, swallowing against the lump in your throat as you nodded. “I love you, my darling. No matter what is to come, remember that I love you.”

“I love you too.” You managed to choke out and he smiled at you sadly, leaning down for one last kiss, slow and soft and lasting for an eternity but ending too quickly.

Watching Loki leave was one of the hardest things you’d had to do until it wasn’t. How could Loki leaving be the hardest thing when the Queen called upon you and other trusted members of the palace staff to help her plan the wedding?

Here you were, broken with a shattered heart, barely holding it together only to be told you had to plan the wedding of the man you were in love with. It felt like a giant slap in the face as you were forced into the same room as the Princess, forced to watch as she giggled and twirled her hair, gushing about Loki and their future, of their love.

It took everything in you to not react, to force yourself to smile and nod, to force yourself to do as the Princess commanded, as she expected from somehow so very beneath her. You were involved in so many aspects of the wedding plans, responsible for making sure the bride was kept happy whilst you tried to block out your own feelings, feelings you would only allow yourself to feel and focus on when you were alone in your chambers, spending night after night alone instead of curled up in Loki’s arms.

You already disliked the Princess but being in her presence for most of the day actually gave you a real reason to not like her. She was, without a doubt, the most entitled person you’d ever met, always demanding something and God’s forbid something wasn’t done to her standards. 

The day of the wedding finally arrived and you had seen very little of Loki. You had expected to see him quite often as you were assigned to the Princess and yet he seemed to be avoiding her, something she complained about often but you couldn’t help but smile as she ranted, a smug sense of satisfaction at knowing Loki wasn’t playing along with the wedding out of the public eye.

You walked into the room where the bridesmaids and her family were gathered in gowns that, quite frankly, were terrible. Considering the fact they were royalty you would have thought they’d be dressed impeccably and instead each person in the room wore dresses that didn’t seem right for the occasion in colours that didn’t complement them.

The Princess was yelling at one of the bridesmaids causing you to barely suppress an eye roll. You had no love for any of them, as you spent time with them you quickly realised where the Princess got her rudeness and entitlement from.

Loki deserved much better than being forced to marry her.

The Princess herself looked no better, her dress reminded you of a pastry, one of the fancy ones you’d served at many of the royal events. It seemed to swallow her small frame up, puffing out and making her look strange. Not the type of dress that would complement the suit Loki would be in at all and yet it seemed fitting for them to not complement each other, the two were so different that you couldn’t help but sigh softly, Loki shouldn’t be marrying her, she was completely the wrong girl for him but what could you do, it wasn’t like you could stop the wedding.

That thought had you tensing, standing straight as your shoulders squared back. You couldn’t stop the wedding, except you technically could. Even royal weddings asked if anybody had any reason the two should not be married and you had a whole list of them.

But you couldn’t stop a royal wedding, right?

The thought had planted itself in your head, the seed already beginning to grow until it was all you could think about and as you stood of to the side you couldn’t help but lose yourself in the daydream of actually stopping the wedding, of seeing Loki’s face when he realised he didn’t have to marry the dreadful Princess. 

As the Princess snapped your name you shook your head, forcing yourself back to reality, a reality where you would never speak up, where you were not brave enough to stand up in front of the massive crowd that had already begun to gather, people from all the realms coming together for the wedding. 

There was no way you could stop it.

And yet when you found yourself standing in the throne room, eyes locked on Loki as everyone waited for the bride to come out you wanted nothing more than to stop this whole event. He looked absolutely breath-taking, looking like the epitome of what a Prince should look like, the black suit lined with dark green detailing, nothing but the finest and richest fabric for the youngest Prince.

Loki’s eyes had immediately found you in the crowd and his mask slipped for a few seconds as his face filled with sadness, with sorrow and longing, looking for all the world like he’d rather be anywhere else. You wished he was anywhere else too, probably hidden away by your side. There was nothing you could do though except force a smile onto your face that probably came out much sadder than you intended, unable to put on a brave face for him.

Music filled the room and everybody rose from their seats, your eyes lingered on Loki for a second longer before you tore your gaze away to look at the Bride. She waved to the crowds and you barely refrained from rolling your eyes and you turned back to Loki just in time to catch the blink and you’d miss it smirk he threw your way.

Knowing he wished it was you in her place made watching her harder somehow, knowing that he was being forced into a marriage he didn’t want, especially when he had found the person he really did want to spend the rest of his days with. It made the idea of you speaking up more and more appealing but unfortunately that would have to remain a daydream.

Tears filled your eyes as the ceremony started, hearing their words, the Princess' eager and high pitched voice spoke of love and happiness whereas Loki kept his voice neutral, careful not to show his true feelings but not giving anyone the satisfaction of seeming happy with the situation. As he spoke words that had been written for him and approved by Odin he kept glancing at you, wishing he were standing up here with you, speaking true words of love and hope and of a future together. 

“We stand before these two people today to celebrate the bond and the love they share. We witness the beginning of a long and happy future, this day their promise and commitment to each other, a promise to grow old together, to stand at each other's side forever, to help each other grow stronger. There will be challenges but nothing their love cannot overcome.” 

The words of the officiant had you choking back tears and Loki allowed himself another moment of weakness as the officiant spoke of his future with Astra, let his mask fall again as he looked down, tears filling his eyes as he glanced at you. He saw you were holding it together as well as he was and wished things were different, wished some miracle would happen to get him out of this.

Gods, how he wished it were you.

You had to drown the man's words out, had to look away from the officiant, from the Princess and from Loki himself, his grief sending more pain to your heart as you tried to blink away your tears. When you glanced up you had to take a shaky breath as you met Loki’s teary gaze, the God looked miserable and heartbroken. This wasn’t what Loki deserved, he was the best person you knew, under all his posturing and defences he had the best heart of anyone you’d ever met and Odin forcing him into this made you furious.

“If there is anybody in this room that objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.” The officiant said and you took a sharp breath as your eyes snapped over to the man. 

Loki had looked back down at this point, missing the look on your face that showed the debate you were having in your head. You only had a split moment to make a decision, stay silent and let Loki marry this girl who wanted nothing good from him, allow him to waste his days in a loveless marriage or speak now and give him the chance to leave, to come with you. Sure, it’d be embarrassing standing in front of all these people, objecting to a royal wedding but if that was the cost of Loki and your happiness then maybe it was worth it.

The only question was should you speak now or could you forever hold your peace?

Before you could even register what you were doing you were pushing yourself from your seat, gasps spread across the room as every person turned to look at you, horrified looks on each of their faces but you didn’t care, you didn’t see them. 

All you saw was Loki’s head shoot up, his eyes widening as he looked over at you, the sad, grief filled look wiped from his face replaced by a weary hopefulness and you knew in that moment you had made the right decision.

“I object.” You said, more gasps spread across the room, Odin turned to look at you with a furious look whilst Frigga had a hint of a smile on her face. Loki’s face was still the only one you were focused on watching as the biggest, brightest smile spread across his face, lighting his whole being up and you couldn’t help but smile back, missing the glare from the Princess. 

“I am not the type of person who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion, not even a little bit. I’m nothing more than some commoner who has no right to be standing here interrupting this wedding but Loki, you’re not the type of man who should be marrying the wrong girl.” The Princess let out an insulted noise of protest but neither of you paid her any mind, completely absorbed in each other as everyone continued to stare at you. “Don’t say yes to her, not if you don’t love her. Come with me instead, I’ll meet you at the palace doors and we can go wherever you want so long as you don’t say yes.”

The room was deathly quiet as every head turned to Loki as they waited for his response, surely he would tell this delusional fool that he loved the Princess and to have you thrown out for daring to object to the joyous occasion.

Instead Loki’s smile got even wider and everyone in the room gawked at him as he spoke.

“I won’t say yes to her, not when my heart belongs to you, not when you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my days with, the one I want to grow with. You are the only one for me. I’m so glad you were around, so unbelievably happy you were here when he said speak now. I don’t need you to meet me at the palace doors, we can leave together.” Loki said, his words causing you to grin as everyone looked between the two of you in utter disbelief, the Princess finally snapped back to herself and started protesting loudly, throwing her bouquet down and demanding Loki marry her.

Loki ignored her and walked away from the aisle, stopping as Odin grabbed his arm. There was only a moment but your heart stuttered, terrified at what Odin would do but Loki just shook him off and continued walking up the aisle. As he got to you he held a hand out and you beamed at him, taking his hand, and shuffling past the guests in your way.

All eyes were on the two of you as you left but you didn’t notice or care and the two of you radiated happiness as you walked out of the doors of the palace, only stopping when you saw Heimdall stood by a hovercraft, not looking the least bit surprised to see the two of you.

“Had a feeling you’d be needing this.” Heimdall said and you watched as Loki rolled his eyes but there was no malice behind the action and his smile stayed on.

“Of course you did.” He snarked causing Heimdall to laugh before gesturing for the two of you to get into the vehicle. “Thank you.”

“You are most welcome. I am glad you chose her.” Heimdall told him honestly, sending a wink your way causing you to laugh as you looked up at Loki who made his way to the front of the craft, ready to pilot it.

“As I am.” Loki smiled softly at you and the two of you said goodbye to the man just in time for a flood of people to leave the palace.

Loki grinned at you before getting the two of you as far away from the palace as quickly as possible. It wasn’t long before you pieced together where Loki was taking you, it was a place the two of you had found two months into seeing each other, a small cabin far from anywhere else. The place hadn’t been used for many years but you and Loki had spent many afternoons cleaning it up and many more nights there together. 

You couldn’t think of a better place to start the next chapter of your life with Loki, one that you knew would be filled with all the things the officiant had spoken about, one to be filled with love and trust and happiness, one where you could grow together, to better each other and start your future together.

You were really glad you had trusted your gut and spoke up, knowing that you never would have been able to hold your peace, not when it meant robbing both you and Loki of the future you both deserved.

_________

Loki Taglist /

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