9-1-1 Masterlist

9-1-1 Masterlist

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Enough for You

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Angstember Prompt -  "I really wish you had told me that before I went and fell in love with you."

In the beginning, like most things were, it was good. It started with the feeling of butterflies in your stomach and your heart skipping a beat, it evolved into realisation of what your feelings were and hope that he could feel the same. It grew into stolen glances and longing until it finally turned into a desperate kiss, your face cupped in his hands and yours gripping the fabric of his robe.

Like all things, it started out good.

Of course once the two of you sorted through your feelings, once the two of you finally sat down together and confessed that you wanted more than friendship, it had to be kept a secret. Neither of you cared about that though, it was nice having something that was only yours. 

And for two years it was good.

You and Anakin hardly had that awkward stage at the beginning of your relationship, the one that consisted of dancing around each other as you got to know one another. You had been friends for years, you had met him when you were ten years old, your Master had fallen ill and had been confined to the Halls of Healing leaving you alone. Anakin had found you one day, struggling to meditate and that’s how Obi-Wan found his Padawan hours later, sat next to you as he taught you as his Master taught him.

From there on you and Anakin had become inseparable, a closeness that had many raising an eyebrow but only voiced concerns quietly to each other. Master Jedi may not have liked how close you were, a friendship that seemed like an attachment, but they couldn’t deny when your Master’s went on missions together you and Anakin worked flawlessly together. 

As the years passed the bond between you and Anakin only got stronger and stronger. The two of you were always at each other's side, training together, exploring the grounds and the Temple, sneaking out together and seeing Coruscant together. There had been occasions where you and Anakin had stolen one of the speeders so Anakin could show off to you, it always ended with you clinging to him as he took corners way too fast and Obi-Wan scolding the pair of you. 

Seven years of friendship seemed to fly by as fast as Anakin on a speeder and suddenly the two of you were seventeen. Neither of you particularly liked looking back on most of your time as seventeen years old, not when it was the first year that saw the two of you distancing yourselves from the other. 

It wasn’t as though you’d had a falling out with each other, it wasn't like you didn’t want to spend your days at his side but it was the first year that you both seemed to make sense of everything you had been feeling. Of course these feelings weren’t new to either of you, you had both been feeling them for years now but before they didn’t seem significant, they didn’t seem like something that needed to be looked into because they didn’t mean anything back then.

But now…now they meant something and you couldn’t be around Anakin without becoming flustered and he couldn’t be around you without flushing and stammering through a sentence. 

It wasn’t a pleasant eight months to say the least. Both of you had become so used to spending seven years attached to each other that to suddenly be without the other was lonely, there wasn’t a better word for it. Both of you were lonely and it was for that reason that you both eventually ended up sitting down with each other and telling each other how you felt.

Obviously it wasn’t an easy conversation. The Jedi had spent years drilling it into your heads about how attachments were wrong, about how loving a singular person was a one way path to the Dark Side. To confess your feelings to each other went against everything you had both been taught and yet it hadn’t stopped you. If any was going to break the Jedi Code then it would come as no shock to anybody that it would be you and Anakin.

After that conversation things quickly went back to normal and you and Anakin easily fell back into each other's lives like you’d never been separated. It worried many of the elder Jedi but others, like Obi-Wan and your own Master, were just relieved after having put up with eight months of grumpy and sad Padawan’s.

It wasn’t hard to keep your relationship a secret. By now you and Anakin knew plenty of hiding places in the Temple and the two of you disappearing for hours had long since stopped concerning people so nobody would come looking for you. It also helped that your Master’s tended to go on missions together so you and Anakin were able to sneak away there and explore the new sights together. There had been plenty of times you’d been in his chambers or him in yours and had nearly been caught locked at the lips but Anakin was quite good at multitasking and was always able to warn you before somebody entered the room, giving you a minute to compose yourselves.

In the time you had been dating Anakin had snuck you out of the Temple more times than you could count, always pulling you along with him to whatever surprise he had planned. Sometimes it was a picnic in a quiet place that took a long time to get to but it was always worth it. Other times it was to explore different things, join celebrations in the city, many times though it was a chance to blend in amongst the crowd and act like a normal couple. 

It might have been annoying at times to hide your relationship, neither you nor Anakin saw how it would lead you to the Dark Side, but you made it work.

And then Master Kenobi walked into his chambers, you and Anakin barely having time to pull away from each other as he did. Master Kenobi looked between the two of you with a look you couldn’t quite discern but it was gone just as quietly as he told you and Anakin you were to watch over the Senator of Naboo.

Anakin immediately beamed at the news causing you to raise an eyebrow but you shrugged it off and instead asking why you were going. It wasn’t rare for you to join Anakin and Obi-Wan on a mission but usually your Master joined though lately it was becoming less often as he got older. Obi-Wan just smiled at you and told you your Master had suggested it to the Council and they had agreed.

It wasn’t long until the three of you were on your way to meet the Senator. You liked to think you knew Anakin pretty well by now, liked to think you could read his easily but now as you stared at him, fingers tugging on the braid as his leg bounced you would have said, easily, that he was nervous. 

But what was there to be nervous about?

Obi-Wan too picked up on Anakin’s nerves as the three of you arrived at the Senate building and entered the turbolift up to the Senator’s apartment, glancing at his Padawan who fidgeted with his robes and tugged on the braid again.

“You seem a little on edge.” Obi-wan prompted, breaking the silence in the lift and you couldn’t help but stand straighter, waiting for Anakin’s response.

“Not at all.” Anakin replied, the words entirely unconvincing to you, causing your eyebrows to knit together as you frowned, folding your arms together. 

Obi-Wan continued on and you listened to the two of them bicker back and forth for a moment before the two of them laughed and Obi-Wan turned towards his Padawan, just looking for a second before he spoke.

“You’re sweating,” He told Anakin and you lifted your head slightly at that, looking at Anakin out of the corners of your eyes and seeing Obi-Wan was right. “Relax, take a deep breath.”

You had a feeling in the pit of your stomach, a bad one, one that felt heavy and cold and you desperately tried to push it away. Nothing had happened, so what Anakin was nervous, so what he was acting like he had when the two of you didn’t speak in the eight months you had drifted apart because of your crush. 

It didn’t mean anything.

“I haven’t seen her in ten years, Master.” Anakin murmured quietly to Obi-Wan and you closed your eyes desperate to fight back any emotion, trying to force everything you were feeling out into the Force. 

Nothing more was said in the turbolift, Obi-Wan just let out a small sigh and Anakin frowned, glancing at you before doing a double take as if he had forgot you were there but you just looked ahead, acting as if you had missed the look before the door opened and you stepped out. 

Seeing the Senator of Naboo only made the cold feeling inside you grow. Of course she was beautiful, with her hair pulled up in an intricate design, his voice soft and light. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of brown that seemed to light up as she looked at Anakin, looked at Ani. 

Of course she was beautiful. 

Anakin himself seemed even more nervous than he had been in the turbolift. As he addressed her a smile came across his face, shy and sweet and adoring. Then he went and called her beautiful and he wasn’t wrong but it still twisted the knife you felt had been plunged into you. 

Obi-Wan glanced away as Anakin stumbled over his words, a look on his face as if to say what in the stars is he doing before it was replaced by a concerned look as he took in the look on your face. You thought you were doing a better job at hiding it but apparently not, apparently there was enough hurt, enough jealousy and fear on your face to give something away. 

You forced yourself again to expel your feelings into the Force, perhaps too forcefully if the way Anakin turned to you and Obi-Wan’s raised eyebrows meant anything.

“Ah Senator, this is Padawan Y/F/N Y/L/N, she will be assisting in the protection of your safety.” Obi-Wan introduced you softly, sparing you another concerned glance but you forced a neutral look onto your face before bowing your head towards the Senator.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/N.” She said in that soft tone of hers, a warm smile on her face as she held a hand out for you.

“Pleased to meet you, Senator.” You replied evenly, swallowing against the lump in your throat you reached out and shook her hand.

Obi-Wan began discussions about Padmé’s protection with Captain Typho and you listened half-heartedly though you didn’t take much in. You sat on one side of Obi-Wan and Anakin sat on the other, something which made Obi-Wan raise an eyebrow but as he looked at Anakin he saw his gaze was focused on Padmé and you were much more interested in your fingers playing with your robes than you were with him.

“-not to start an investigation.” You heard Obi-Wan tell the Senator but then Anakin quickly interrupted him in a way he wouldn't have had the Senator been anybody else.

“We will find out who’s trying to kill you Padmé.” At those words you glanced up, looking over far enough to see Obi-Wan’s look of disapproval, disapproval that only deepened at Anakin’s next words. “I promise you.”

As Obi-Wan argued against Anakin’s words you couldn’t help but look away again, not baring to look at Anakin or Padmé. He was trying to impress her, his mission here wasn’t about finding the person trying to kill her it was only to protect and yet here he was jumping at the chance to do as she asked, the chance to gain her favour. 

You knew it all too well because it was what he had done with you, in an effort to impress you any time you said you wanted something Anakin wouldn’t hesitate to do it in hopes that you would like him more. Of course you hadn’t realised that was what he was doing until after you were dating but now you saw it clear as day.

The cold feeling in your stomach only grew as Anakin argued with Obi-Wan, desperate to find the person trying to kill the Senate. You hated the sudden stinging in your eyes and your lips quivered as you tried to fight tears back. There was no use getting upset, you could still be blowing this out of proportion.

And yet something told you you weren’t. You didn’t have a good feeling about this mission.

It wasn’t long until everyone retired from the meeting leaving you, Anakin and Obi-Wan alone. Anakin went out to the balcony and Obi-Wan followed behind him. You stayed where you were on the sofa, barely noticing them leave as your mind was clouded with sadness and anger. 

Perhaps this is why the Jedi didn’t let you fall in love, to form attachments. 

Of course you weren’t planning on falling to the Dark Side just because Anakin had a crush on the Senator but you could see how a Jedi could fall. How the anger and pain at losing a loved one in such a way, a way that would create jealousy and hatred, could lead to a Jedi falling. 

You loved Anakin with all your heart. At first it had scared you just how much power Anakin held over you, how he had the ability to break you with just a few words but then months passed, beautiful and joyous months that settled your nerves. He was it for you, there would never be another.

You had once thought he felt the same for you.

He said he hadn’t seen the Senator for ten years, a year before he met you. All that time he had spent with you she was somewhere in his mind, however distant, she was there. You had seen his face when she spoke to him, the guilt as he glanced at you in the turbolift, he had always had her in his mind.

Whilst your entire heart was his, he only shared a bit of his with you, some part of it always belonged to her even if he had been but a child when he first met her.

You lay on the sofa, facing the back of it and closed your eyes but it did nothing to stop the tears that slid from them and it took all your effort to cry silently, to push the sobs you felt down. 

You had never been his, not in the way he had been yours. 

“I’d much rather dream about Padmé.” You heard Anakin tell Obi-Wan as they stepped closer to the main room, “just being around her again is intoxicating.”

“And what of Y/N?” You heard Obi-Wan ask and your blood ran cold again as you forced yourself to relax as they entered the room, not wanting them to know you were awake. You missed the questioning glance Anakin shot towards Obi-Wan, surely the man couldn’t know. “I would have thought after spending so many years at her side, Padmé wouldn’t have filled your thoughts.”

Anakin was silent for a long moment, a moment that you spent trying to stay quiet, even as sobs built up in your throat.

“Of course when I’m with Y/N it’s different. They’re so different from each other that Padmé doesn’t cross my mind all that often but I still think about her. I still dream about her some days, the angel I met on Tatooine.” Anakin’s words had you pleading with the Force, desperate to stay silent even as you felt your heart break. “Y/N is my best friend but compared to Padmé-”

“And here I thought Y/N meant more to you than that.” Obi-Wan murmured thoughtfully, causing Anakin to still and turn to face his Master.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Anakin asked defensively.

“Nothing, young Padawan, just that I have spent years watching you and Y/N, watching as your friendship grew. I suggest if you feel this way for Padmé you tell Y/N how you feel. Not that it should matter of course, you swore your commitment to the Jedi Order, a commitment that forbids attachment, not that I need to remind you of that, right Padawan?” You felt your heart skip a beat at Obi-Wan’s words because he knew- he knew about you and Anakin.

There was no doubt about it, Obi-Wan had to know why else would bring you up at all? If you were truly just a friend to Anakin why would he have to tell you that he loved the Senator. Obi-Wan knew about you and Anakin, how long had he known? Why had he let the two of you carry on instead of turning you over to the Council for such a blatant breach of the Code?

“Of course not, Master. I am well aware of the Code.” Anakin told him evenly, glancing away from his Master.

As the two of them spoke you felt something shift, a disturbance that had you frowning as you tried to figure out whether it was something in the Force warning you of danger or if it were simply your own emotions.

“I sense it too.” You heard Obi-Wan say and you sat up in time to see them running into the Senator’s room. 

You quickly wiped your eyes on your robe and followed behind them and watched as Anakin pulled his lightsaber out, dealing with whatever had been about to harm the Senator. 

You were able to ignore your feelings as you took in the scene but then Obi-Wan told you to watch over the Senator as he and Anakin went to track down the droid and though you hated the thought you nodded and watched them leave.

You glanced at the Senator and found the feelings slamming into you, the pain and the hurt and the anger all too overwhelming.

“Are you alright?” Padmé asked you, even in the darkness of the room she could see the redness of your eyes.

“Just fine.” You told her evenly, voice coming out cold as you tried to choke back your emotions, scanning the room once before leaving. The Senator followed behind you, though you wished she’d just go back to sleep so you could have a minute alone to process everything.

“You don’t like me much, do you?” She asked, sitting on the sofa opposite you.

“I don’t know you.” You answered as close to the truth as you could get because the truth was no, you didn’t like her all that much. How could you? You were more than aware it wasn’t her fault, she was beautiful, what had Anakin called her, an angel?

He was right about that and you hated it. 

“And yet you look at me like I’m your enemy.” She told you and you couldn’t help but frown as you looked away from her. “Does this have something to do with Ani?”

Ani, you hated the way the word fell from her lips like it was familiar. 

“No, Senator. Like I said I don’t have a problem with you, I don’t know you. You really should go back to sleep.” You told her, still not able to bring yourself to look at her, knowing if you did you would only be able to compare yourself to her, to wonder what she had that you didn’t.

Why was she good enough for Anakin and you weren’t? You who had spent years at his side, years giving him all your love, giving him your heart.

“I can hardly sleep after another attempt on my life.” She told you lightly and you could feel her gaze on you. All you wanted to do was leave, to make her look away, to scream and cry and curse the world but you couldn’t do any of that right now. “Besides, I'd much rather talk to you, to find out why you don’t like me.”

You took a deep breath, forcing your emotions into the Force again but there were too many and they just kept building up and you knew eventually they’d explode from you. You needed to be alone desperately, all you wanted was to be alone.

“It is Anakin, isn’t it?” She pushed and if she kept prodding you knew she would be the one your emotions turned on. “Wait, do you like Anakin? I didn’t think the Jedi were-”

You couldn’t take it, you couldn’t listen to her piece the situation together, couldn’t listen as she laughed at how foolish someone like you was for falling for someone like Anakin when someone like her existed. 

You stood abruptly from your seat causing Padmé to say your name softly but you ignored her and strode from the room, ignoring as the Senator called after you. You knew Obi-Wan would scold you for this later, for leaving the Senator alone barely ten minutes after her assassination attempt. You knew if something happened to her you’d have more problems than a telling off from Obi-Wan but right now you didn’t care.

All you cared about was being as far away from her and from Anakin and from everybody as you could be. 

You eventually found an empty room not too many floors down from the Senator’s apartment. The view was beautiful but you hardly noticed it as you sat on the floor, the only light coming from the floor to ceiling windows. 

You let your eyes fall closed, let all your emotions come to the surface and let the tears fall down your cheeks uncontrollably. A few sobs may have escaped you but you didn’t hear them as you tried to push your feelings into the Force but you couldn’t, they were too strong and they seemed to cling to you, making you feel every bit of them.

You didn’t know how long passed until the door opened as somebody sat next to you. You knew it was Anakin, you knew what he felt like in the Force better than you knew yourself. The feeling in the pit of your stomach seemed at its heaviest, at its coldest and you really didn’t have a good feeling about this conversation.

You knew what was going to happen, knew it had to happen and yet you were completely unprepared. You had never had to be without Anakin, even in those few months you had grown apart you didn’t cut yourself off from him completely but after this you didn’t know if you could look at him again without breaking down.

“You love her.” You said stoically when it became clear he wasn’t going to speak first.

“I don’t want to.” He told you, voice shaking as he spoke and you couldn’t help the huff of laughter that left you.

“But you love her.” You said, voice breaking as tears continued to fall down your cheeks.

“I love you too.” He pleaded with you, desperate for you to know that. 

“But you love her more, right? Otherwise I would have been enough for you. If you loved me as much as I love you then there wouldn’t be room for another in your heart.” You had yet to open your eyes, you didn’t think you could look at him, not with your emotions this close to the surface.

“I can’t help it, Y/N. If I could get rid of my feelings for her I would have done it years ago but I can’t. She’s always in my mind, sometimes she’s in my dreams and seeing her again brought those feelings forward again.” Anakin told you, sniffing as he fought back his own tears.

“I really wish you had told me that before I went and fell in love with you. I wish you cared enough about me to spare my feelings, to spare me the humiliation-” 

“I didn’t know I was going to meet her again! I thought I’d never see her again and I love you. I love you dearly, Y/N, don’t ever think I don’t.” Anakin exclaimed and you finally opened your eyes.

He was sat next to you, tears falling down his cheeks as he stared at you with wide eyes but you shook your head.

“You don’t love me, Anakin.” You told him coldly, forcing your tears to stop if only for a few moments, “You don’t because I love you and I know that I would never do this to you. You were the only person I cared for this much, the only person I loved enough to break the Code for. I would have done anything for you, Anakin, anything. Now I feel as though I’m looking at a stranger.” 

“Come on Y/N, please don’t say that. I love you, all our years together-”

“We’re nothing more to you than a distraction from Padmé!” You exclaimed standing up and wiping your eyes angrily. 

“Don’t say that!” Anakin shot back, standing up as well.  “Don’t ever say that, don’t think it. My time with you was real, it was honest, every moment and every word of it. Don’t erase it now, Y/N.”

“Two years we have been together, loved each other for much longer. You were my best friend, Anakin.” You told him, your voice breaking as he stared at you with wide, pleading eyes. “You knew her for moments compared to us, met her when you were only a child and yet somehow she is more important to you than I could ever be.”

“Y/N,” He pleaded with you but no other words came out of his mouth.

“You broke my heart Anakin. I always knew you had the power to do it but, stars, I never thought you actually would.” You laughed, a sad sob of a laugh. “I really hope she was worth it Anakin, I hope she makes you so happy.” 

“Come on Y/N, please don’t do this.” Tears continued to fall from his eyes as he pleaded with you but you shook your head.

“I’m not the one doing this, Anakin. You’re the one who let me fall in love with you whilst your heart belonged to another. This is all on you. You are the reason I have lost not only the love of my life but my best friend too.” You told him, your voice breaking again as you fought tears back.

“I’m sorry.” He told you, his voice barely above a whisper and you shook your head, turning to leave the room, sparing him one last glance. 

“I really hope she’s worth it.” You told him, a smile, shaky and filled with sadness and bitterness and anger spreading across your face as Anakin’s eyes fell closed and you left the room, leaving behind the man you loved with a broken heart and tears falling from your eyes.

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Forget Me

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Prompt -  “'Cause I'm not ready to find out you know how to forget me, I'd rather hear how much you regret me and pray to the stars that you never met me than forget me.”

Han Solo knew he had messed up when he watched your face shift, gone was the hurt and anger, your tears seeming to vanish between one blink and the next and he just knew that this was it. He knew he had pushed you too far this time and he wondered if the two of you would come back from this one.

Throughout the years people had struggled to understand your relationship with Han, it always seemed the two of you were arguing, finding something to fight about and hardly even seemed at peace with one another. Of course you had been happy, you had moments of genuine joy around him, moments when you were bursting with so much love for each other. Then there were times when you rubbed each other the wrong way, you refused to budge and see things from his point of view, he’d completely disregarded something you’d said and cause a world of avoidable trouble.

When you fought it was usually done exactly how you loved each other, wild and passionate and hard to control. There was shouting and crying and one of you was always glaring or scowling, it was how Han knew things were ok between you. It sounded odd to outsiders but when Han saw you glaring over at him as he ranted he knew you’d be ok afterwards.

Never in all your fights had he watched you turn stony faced, seemingly shoving your emotions deep down and bricking them up. It set him on edge, he knew something about this fight was different even if it wasn’t as bad as some of your more explosive ones had been but for some reason this seemed to be the one that tipped you over the edge.

“I can’t do this anymore.” You told him quietly, the silence having passed for long enough to set Han even further on edge and your words had his blood running cold.

The two of you had been through so much together, fought side by side, risked your lives for each other, held each other when things got rough and loved each other more passionately than Han had ever thought possible. You couldn’t leave, not after everything. Part of him hoped you weren’t serious, hoped that this was just a cold move on your part to win the argument but he knew you weren’t like that, no matter how nasty some of your fights got.

“Come on, Y/N,” He said anyway, hoping that he was wrong and you were just playing games. He kept his voice lighter that he felt, a joking edge to it that had you swallowing hard and desperately trying to push down every emotion you felt. 

“I’m serious, Han. This is exhausting, it’s the same damn argument over and over. I tell you it’s stupid and reckless and you jump head first into anyway and it usually ends up coming back to me. I mean how many times has somebody sent bounties after me because of something stupid you did. We go back and forth and it’s going to end with one of us dead these days.” You told him, trying your hardest to keep your voice from shaking and the tears from filling your eyes.

“Baby don’t do this. You want me to stop, I’ll stop right here and now.” Han said, knowing you were deadly serious and hating it. He hated how you were right, hated that you pointed out how much danger he put you in when all he wanted was to protect you. 

“How many times have you promised me that?” You whispered and he felt his heart drop because, again, you always had to be right.

“You can’t just walk away from us, Y/N/N, not after everything.” He pleaded with you taking a step closer only to feel his heart ache as you took a step back.

“I’m tired, Han. We’re fighting a war and we’re fighting each other, I can’t do both, I’m exhausted.” You felt like the entire galaxy was weighing you down most days. Days like today where you had stood beside Leia and watched so many from your army, so many friends, die and all you wanted was to come back to your rooms and take comfort from Han.

Instead you had ended up in a screaming match with him, feeling completely and utterly drained to your bones. You had nothing left to give this relationship, you barely had anything left to give to the fight with the Empire. 

Some days you dreamed of taking Han up on his offer of just flying away in the Falcon, the two of you getting far away from everything. You daydreamed often about how different things would be for both of you if you did just run away but you couldn’t, Leia was your friend and you couldn’t leave her.

Still, it was nice to dream.

“Come on baby, please don’t do this, give us one last chance.” You wanted to cave, wanted desperately to give into his pleading wide eyes and collapse into his arms but you knew you couldn’t, no matter how much you wanted it to you knew things wouldn’t change.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered and your voice caught on the words, breaking softly as you fought down a wave of tears that threatened to fill your eyes. 

Han took another step forward and this time you didn’t move away from him, letting him bring his hand up to your cheek before he pressed your foreheads together, looking into your eyes before his fell closed and he brought your lips together.

The kiss was soft and slow, so different from how they usually were. A few tears made their way down your cheeks as you closed your eyes and kissed Han back, savouring the feeling of him against you, letting yourself sink into the kiss but not drown in it, knowing that if you did that you wouldn’t be able to leave.

You were the first pull away, hands coming to rest on Han’s chest as he tried to chase your lips. You knew you had to leave, heart heavy and broken as you pushed away from him and took the few steps needed to reach the door. Han didn’t try to stop you this time as you left, hoping this decision wasn’t permanent.

Months passed without a word from you though. He tried to avoid spending much time on the base but when he was there, well, people liked to talk and were always keen to fill him in on what he had missed. In the few times he had been back he had been informed of your angry words against him, private conversations between you and Leia overheard by the crew. He was told that you had been seen crying most days, sometimes you had to excuse yourself from a planning meeting and somebody would find you alone with tears flowing down your cheeks. Han hated knowing he was the reason for your tears, he never wanted to be the reason you cried and yet a part of him was glad for it because it meant you were thinking about him, you hadn’t just erased him from your thoughts.

Though his heart ached at some of the things he had been told, choice words he hoped had been grossly exaggerated through the rumour mill, it didn’t hurt him as much as he expected it to. If you were dragging his name through the dirt it meant he was still on your mind, it meant you were still holding onto a part of him and that gave him hope. 

Han would gladly take all the criticism you gave him, gladly let you curse him out to anybody who would listen, just to know you still thought about him.

After that night you were heartbroken, through Han’s own wrongdoings, through your constant arguments and your stubborn unwillingness to budge on what you believed in you were left alone. For once you found yourself grateful for the war, you hardly had a moment to sit a stew in your hurt and your pain, though some nights when things were quiet and you’d had too much to drink you tended to drunkenly berate the Captain.

Months went by and you managed to live with the hurt, managed to deal with it and go about your day, thoughts somehow always managing to find their way back to Han Solo. It was strange thinking of him, sometimes you felt so much hate, wanting so badly to get it right with him only to fail each time made you hurt, made you angry at him for not trying harder, angry at yourself for not giving it the final chance he pleaded for. Other times you just felt sad, you missed him dearly. There had been good moments, beautiful moments. You had been at each other's side for so long that to suddenly be without him was lonely.

More months passed and eventually a year had gone by, a long year of days spent aching and longing for you. No matter how far Han went from the base where you were he couldn’t seem to outrun you in his mind, you were always there no matter what he was doing. If he was in the midst of a battle he would think about how wrong it felt not to have your back pressed against his, if he was piloting the Falcon he couldn’t help but miss the way you tried to take over, annoying him by pressing random buttons and instead of your laugh filling the air there was only silence. The nights dragged by painfully slow, he missed you deeply, missed the feeling of you curled into his chest, missed wrapping his body around yours as he held you close, missed waking up and knowing his day would be good just because you were the first thing he saw.

It had been a year and he still missed you so much, he was still holding on hope that you’d take him back, that you still missed him as much as he did you.

It had been a year and you were finally moving on, finally living without the hurt and the pain rather than living with having grown used to it. It may have been a gradual process but you didn’t notice it, not until one day where you were sitting in the cantina and laughing, really laughing, with one of the men from the crew. It hit you like a tonne of bricks that your mind wasn’t on Han and it hadn’t been for a while now.

It was…refreshing. It was nice, even nicer now that you’d actually noticed you were able to get through a day without wanting to cry or rage. You hadn’t realised just how much of your energy it was taking to miss Han. 

Han hadn’t been back to the base in a while now, he knew you hated when he was there, people told him how you locked yourself in your rooms or had Leia send you on a mission whenever he was around. Today he had no choice but to come back and even though he longed to see you, another part of him hoped you still didn’t want to see him just because it would mean you still felt something for him.

He landed on the base, ignoring Chewie’s grumblings about how he wished you were there. He found Leia in the main planning room, the room was filled and yet as he stood in the doorway and saw you he felt everything around him stop. You had to know he was coming, he’d warned Leia two days in advance knowing she would give you a heads up. He could only stare at you, watching as you smiled over at one of the crew a little too friendly for his liking before Leia called out his name. 

His head snapped over to her but from the corner of his eyes he saw you look over at him. If it could be called that, really it was only a half glance, more so at the sudden call from Leia than to look at him before you turned your attention back to the crew member showing you something on the screens.

His heart dropped. There was no pain or longing, your eyes didn’t light up or glare over at him. It was like he was just another member of the crew, a stranger you didn’t know and had no desire to introduce yourself to. It sent a pain right to his heart, his heart was still yours even after a year apart and it seemed you had done the one thing he couldn’t bear to happen, you had forgotten him.

Han nearly lost it then and there, right in front of everybody. He would much rather the crew crowd him and tell him all the nasty things you said about him, hear about how you had cursed and berated him, hear that you wished him dead, hear about you cursing the stars for ever having met him. He would much rather all that than knowing that you knew how to forget him.

It wrecked him, it wrecked him right to the core seeing you dismiss him easily and he knew it wasn’t an act, an attempt to put on a brave face and show him that your separation, your time apart wasn’t affecting you. No, he could tell it was real and he hated knowing you had forgotten him.

Han wasn’t ready to let you go, not even after all the time that had passed. He wasn’t ready to let you forget him but what could he do? Every part of him ached, he was filled with anger and sadness and regret. He should have done something long ago, he shouldn’t have let so much time pass, he should have listened to you and just gave you what you wanted.

He took a step over in your direction, managed two steps before a hand wrapped around his biceps and fingernails dug into his skin. He looked away from you and back to Leia who was glaring at him and shaking her head.

“Leave her alone, Han. You messed up and you missed your chance.” Leia told him, the words weren’t kind but her tone was soft. It was a truth he needed to hear.

Leia had been the one there for you after you walked away from Han. She had been the one who held you as you wept, who watched you scream and pace and drink yourself into a state. She had been the one to stack your workload so high that you were drowning but didn’t have time to think about the man. She had been the one to slowly watch you get better, to go through days where Han didn’t cross your mind.

She liked Han, really she did, but you were her best friend and she hated watching you suffer like you had. You had finally dragged yourself out of that dark pit where Han surrounded your every waking thought and sleeping dream. There was no way she was going to let Han ruin that, she couldn’t bear to watch you go through it again.

“Leia please, that’s my girl, I gotta get her back.” Han pleaded with her, knowing his heart was yours. 

“No Han, she’s not your girl.” Leia told him and pulled him further away from you, watching as he drank you in before she pulled him out of the room. “You lost her, Han and she is finally in a good place. If you care about her you’ll leave her alone.”

Some part of Han knew she was right. Too much time had seemingly passed and it hurt him, it cut him to the core to know that Leia was right, he had lost you. It hurt him, loathe as he was to admit it knowing how selfish it was, but it hurt him to know that you were in a good place because he was supposed to be that good place for you. Now you were living your life and Han wasn’t a part of that, you were happy but it wasn’t Han who was making you happy, though in a way he supposed he was but he was making you happy by staying out of your life.

Even after all this time he wasn’t ready to accept that you could forget him, forget all the good things between you, forget about the love you had felt for each other. He knew he loved you, he knew his heart would always be yours. 

He loved you and he knew Leia was right, if he cared for you he had to leave you alone.

He just hoped that one day you’d remember him again, remember him and take him back. He knew he’d always be waiting for you, he’d still be holding onto the hope he desperately clung too.

_____

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Haunted by the Look in Your Eyes

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Angstember Prompt -  “It was all a lie.”

The day your life fell apart started out like any other. You woke up in bed, Javier was already awake and smiling at you, the sunlight dancing over his skin making him look even more beautiful. The two of you managed to drag yourselves out of bed and get ready for another day working on the Escobar case, long hours that saw little progress though that part hardly surprised you. 

Javier had left work early, telling you and Steve he had a meeting with an informant. You had tried to find out who Javier’s newest informant was, you knew it wasn’t his regular girl Vanessa or any of the other workers, but Javier refused to tell you, said he didn’t want you to know anything in case it went bad. That was enough to set you on edge but Javier never budged and you eventually stopped asking.

You had stayed at the office for a few more hours, no new information coming across your desk and eventually Steve and you called it a day, the man offering to drive you back to the apartment complex since Javier had left. 

As you said goodbye to Steve and headed up the flight of stairs to your shared apartment with Javier nothing felt wrong, nothing in you was screaming that this was it, this was the moment your world fell to pieces. Instead it felt like any other day. You walked into your apartment, dropped your bag by the door and headed into the living room.

It wasn’t until you saw Javier sitting on the sofa, head in his hands and a file on his lap that you realised something was wrong, though nothing was warning you just how wrong things were about to get.

“Javi?” You called softly and watched as the man jumped, as if he hadn’t heard you walk into the apartment.

It wasn’t until he looked up at you that you realised something was truly wrong. His eyes were red as if he had been crying, something that immediately set you on edge because in the entire time you’d known Javier you couldn’t ever recall seeing him cry. He also looked absolutely heartbroken, his eyes were wide as if almost pleading for something, his hair messy from where he had clearly been running his hands through it.

“Javi?” You asked again when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything, your own voice shaking slightly as you were left in suspense.

“Tell me it’s not true.” He pleaded, voice breaking as he spoke in a way that made your heart ache. The words had your eyebrows knitting together in confusion, shaking your head as you failed to understand what he was saying. “Tell me you're not working for Escobar.” 

Your knitted eyebrows loosened as your eyes widened, you swallowed against the sudden lump in your throat as you tried desperately to think of something, anything to say. It was a tense few moments of silence as you and Javier stared at each other.

“Please,” Javier begged, face crumbling as the silence stretched, “tell me you’re not with that bastard.”

“Javi,” was the only word you seemed to be able to stutter out, Javier’s eyes fell closed as his hands grabbed the folder in his lap. “Why-” but before you could ask he was holding it out to you and you took it with shaky hands.

You swore in that moment your heart stopped beating as you pulled photographs out of the folder. There, clear as day, was you sat across from Pablo Escobar. There were at least nine photographs, all from different days and all of them clearly showing you and Escobar together. You couldn’t look away from them, even as your stomach churned, it wasn’t until Javier spoke that you remembered he was in the room.

“You’re working with him.” Javier said, he didn’t question it, he didn’t need to. Right now to him it was obvious who your loyalty was to and it certainly wasn’t to the DEA, wasn’t to him.

“Javier let me explain.” It was your turn to plead with the man now, to beg him to just listen to you but there was a look in his eyes, heartbroken and defeated, that had your blood running cold, somehow knowing that no matter what you said to him it was already too late.

“All this time you’ve been working with Escobar. What were the two of you laughing this whole time about how easy this was for you?” Javier taunted, heartbreak and betrayal being disguised with anger and hate.

“It's not like that.” You protested but Javier just scoffed at you, finally standing up to turn away from you. “It’s not!” 

“Of course it’s like that! You’ve watched us nearly kill ourselves trying to get even the smallest bit of information about Escobar, watched us come so close to him only for him to escape and this whole time it’s been you telling him when to run!” Javier snapped, his words becoming louder and louder as he spoke.

“I didn’t have a choice!” You snapped back, tears filling your eyes as you silently begged the man to listen to you. “When Pablo Escobar comes into your house, surrounded by men armed with more weapons than you can count and threatens you, you don’t tell him no, that’s not an option. You say ‘si Don Pablo’ and you do whatever he tells you to do.”

“And Escobar told you to sleep with me? To get me to open up to you, to fall for you?” Javier yelled turning back to face you, hands running through his hair again before they came to rest on his hips. “That was Escobar’s grand plan?”

“Javier-” You pleaded but he cut you off.

“Was that Escobar’s plan or was that something you did all on your own? What, did you get a kick out of fooling the DEA agent?” He scoffed, trying to shove down the too many emotions that were coursing through his veins.

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with you!” You exclaimed, the words coming out of your mouth before you could even process them. You felt your own eyes widened, watched as Javier’s widened at the confession you hadn’t meant to let slip out but you didn’t regret it, wished like hell you could have said it at any other time but you didn’t regret it. You couldn’t, it was time to be honest with him, you owed him that much. “When Escobar ordered me to work for the DEA my plan was to give him the bare minimum, to give him just enough information to keep me alive but enough for him not to suspect I was keeping anything from him, enough for you to be able to surprise him. I never meant to get this close to you, never meant to let you get involved with this but then- Javi, nothing between you and me was a lie.” 

“It was all a lie.” Javier told you coldly, “You’ve lied to me since the moment we met.”

“I couldn’t tell you the truth, surely you can see that. You of all people know exactly what Pablo Escobar is capable of.” You told him, still fighting to keep your own tears where they were, not letting them fall.

“You didn't think I would have helped you?” He snapped, “You don’t think I would have done everything to keep you safe?” 

“Javi-” You started but he cut you off again.

“No, I would have helped you, I would have burned the world to keep you safe but you didn’t trust me.” The words were filled with hurt and betrayal, his eyes shining with tears even as he glared at you.

“That’s not fair and you know it.” You told him, hurt clear in your own voice as you blinked harshly, desperate for the tears to go away.

“No, you know what’s not fair is the girl I let down every damn wall for has done nothing but lie to my face, watched me work my ass off and beat myself up day after day, watched me blame myself for not being quick enough to catch the bastard when you’ve been feeding him information that leads to his escapes. That’s what is not god damn fair!” Javier fumed, pacing back and forth as he spoke.

You knew he was right, knew you were in the wrong. How could you hold him on the nights where it got too much for him, nights where he could do nothing but blame himself, nights where he had worked without sleeping before the exhaustion hit him, all the while you were the one telling Escobar when and where the DEA were going to be.

You just wished he would see things from your point of view, the one of a scared woman, alone in Colombia, the one surrounded by Escobar’s men, men who weren’t shy about showing off their weapons, all the while the man himself sat before you with a plan to get you into the DEA and promises that disguised threats about what would happen should you refuse. 

But you knew Javier was angry, too angry to even begin seeing things from your perspective and you couldn’t blame him. This was a man who had built his walls so high and so thick as to keep everybody out and yet had knocked them down as easy as a house of cards just for you, the man had shown a side of himself that hadn’t been seen by anyone for a very long time and you had just shown him why he had built those walls in the first place.

You couldn’t blame him for being angry, couldn’t blame him for whatever he decided to do next. You wished things could be different, you had known from the second he had asked you out for drinks that nothing good would come from getting close to the man and yet you had let yourself get to know him, let him get to know you, watched as his walls fell down and yours crumbled for him.

“You’re right,” you finally said after a long beat of silence, your voice broken and defeated as you finally looked away from him. Your gaze fell down to your feet as the tears that filled your eyes threatened to finally fall. “It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair.”

There were no words spoken for a while, only silence filled the apartment. You couldn’t remember a time when silence was the only thing to be heard, usually the TV played quietly in the background, the radio playing a song that made Javier pull you into his arms as the two of you cooked in the kitchen, the man twirling you around, the sounds of laughter filling the space. The silence felt wrong but you wished for it to return once Javier broke it. 

“Leave.” He finally said. The single word, cold and emotionless, sent an ache through your chest as you looked towards him again. Wide, watery eyes pleading with him but he just shook his head before you had the chance to open your mouth. “Just, just leave, leave the DEA, leave Colombia. Just leave.”

You wanted to beg him to hear you out. You wanted to desperately scream and yell at him to understand that you had no choice, that you were powerless against a man like Pablo Escobar. 

You knew leaving Colombia would be near impossible, what with the amount of people Escobar actually owned in the city he’d be notified as soon as you started packing your bags. Yet you couldn’t be mad at Javier’s request, not when you knew it wasn’t out of hatred or malice. You knew that to him this was the only option he could give you, the other being he would have to turn you over, tell everyone you were spying, that you were passing highly sensitive information that people had risked their lives to get right over to Pablo Escobar. 

Javier still cared about you despite how badly you had messed up.

You had known you should have told him. Maybe not in the beginning when you didn’t know him from anybody else but after the two of you became friends, became more than friends, once the two of you started sharing stories of your lives, secrets you had never planned on telling anybody, once you started to trust one another, that’s when you should have told him. There were so many chances to tell him Pablo Escobar was threatening you, that you had simply been with one wrong person, happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and somehow ended up being dragged into a world you were completely unprepared for. Instead you buried it, pretended you were a real DEA agent, with a real boyfriend and forgot how easily it could be taken away from you, forgot that you wouldn’t be the only one hurt by this.

Looking at Javier through watery eyes was heartbreaking, his own eyes were teary though he was doing a better job at hiding it. You could see the way his jaw clenched and how his knuckles were almost white at his sides. After a few moments you nodded, swallowing against the lump in your throat. 

You knew you had to leave, how you were going to do that you didn’t know, all you did know was that Javier wasn’t going to forgive you, not for this, not when you were the one thing stopping him from getting the man he wanted.

You had gone from somebody he had fallen in love with to everything he was fighting against in a matter of minutes.

“I really am sorry, Javi.” You managed to choke out, the tears finally making their way down your cheeks and for a moment Javier looked like he was going to step forward, his hand twitching upwards as if to wipe your tears away before it clenched even tighter and he nodded back, moving so you could walk past him.

It was one of the hardest things you had ever had to do but somehow you forced your feet to move, forced yourself to walk past Javier and tried to ignore the feeling of your world falling to pieces as your hand touched the door knob. You stood there for a moment, frozen as you realised this was the last time you’d see Javier, the man you were in love with, the man who had every reason to hate you. 

You took a deep breath and opened the door. As much as you wanted to turn around you forced yourself not to, not to turn and beg and plead with him, instead you respected his request and mustered up enough strength to walk out of the apartment. The door fell shut behind you and you let your head fall back against it, eyes falling shut in an attempt to control yourself, to try and calm the tears until it was safe to break down.

Now you were truly on your own, the man you loved had shown you one final act of mercy by not turning you over but you knew that was all he would give you. The look in his eyes would haunt you for a lifetime, no amount of running would get it out of your head.

Pablo Escobar had truly ruined your life but you didn’t doubt for a second that he would pay for what he had done. You hoped that with you out of the way, no longer there to give the man the warnings he demanded, that Javier could do what needed to be done. 

The man was going to pay.

_________________

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evermore

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Prompt - ‘And I couldn't be sure I had a feeling so peculiar this pain wouldn't be for evermore.’

You and Matt had been sitting together on his rooftop, neither of you donned your costumes, content to just sit together under the mid-morning sun, your hands playing with Matt’s and sharing soft kisses. It wasn’t until you pulled away that you saw, off in the distance, a spaceship suddenly appear, the round ship causing your eyes to widen as you listened to Matt and headed downstairs into the apartment, switching on the TV you insisted he have and watching the events play out.

The Avengers, or whatever was left of the Avengers honestly you weren’t sure who was a member and who wasn’t anymore, seemed to have it covered. There was footage of a wizard or two who you didn’t know, Tony Stark was there and you recognised Bruce Banner, then there were the aliens. Whilst there was no sound you could see one of them talking, Tony Stark not looking impressed and cutting him off before the wizards used their powers and suddenly they were fighting.

“Hey, is that Spidey?” You grinned at Matt when you saw a familiar figure swing into frame and Matt raised an eyebrow at you before shaking his head.

“Isn’t this above Spider-Man’s paygrade?” Matt groaned and you laughed before turning back to the screen.

Both of you knew Spider-Man fairly well at this point, neither you or Matt had shared who you were under your masks and neither had Spidey but sometimes he swung by the Kitchen and he was always fun to fight alongside.

You continued to watch the screen, narrating what was going on as it happened, laughing about how insane the camera people were, literal aliens were tearing the streets of New York apart and they were still getting the money shot.

“Wait…” You said, sitting straighter in your seat and leaning forward, Matt raising an eyebrow as he waited for you to continue. “Spider-Man’s on the spaceship…and the spaceship’s gone.”

“Spider-Man was on it?” Matt asked, feeling a wave of worry for the kid because at the end of the day that’s all he was, a kid who put way too much responsibility on his shoulders.

“Iron Man’s heading up too so he should be good.” You said, leaning back into the sofa and letting out a deep breath before cuddling into Matt’s chest, his arm going around your shoulders.

“Aliens.” You grimaced, years of living in New York, years of playing vigilante and you still didn’t think you’d ever get used to everything that happened here.

“Let’s just hope they don’t come back.” Matt chuckled as he pulled you closer, placing a kiss to your head and you nodded before reaching over to turn the TV off, not needing to see reruns of the fight.

It was only a few hours later, you and Matt were back on his rooftop, Matt was talking about the people of New York and what they were doing. It was amazing how everybody was able to simply snap back and carry on with their lives like aliens hadn’t invaded this morning. It was truly ridiculous really and you couldn’t help but smile as you cuddled into Matt who was telling you about a business meeting happening right next to the clean up where cars had been tossed around the streets.

“There’s a school field trip, not too far away, a bunch of kids at MOMA still talking about the spaceship whilst their teacher tries to get them to focus on the trip.” Matt told you as he ran his fingers through your hair, yours trailing along his stomach. “He’s not having much luck.”

“Aliens invade the Earth and everything continues on as normal.” You laughed softly and felt more than heard Matt’s chuckle as it rumbled in his chest. “I think I’ll stick to criminals and the occasional ninja.”

“Not ready to take on the aliens yet? Join the Avengers?” Matt asked and you turned to muffle a laugh into his chest causing his smile to widen.

“I think I’ll stick to our little corner of Hell’s Kitchen, leave the aliens to someone else.” You said because as much as you liked fighting at Spider-Man’s side, especially on the few occasions you’d joined in a bigger fight, you couldn’t stomach the thought of going up against aliens, against powers you knew nothing about.

“Yeah,” Matt sighed softly, tilting your head back gently with the hand in your hair. “I like our little corner.”

You smiled into the kiss as Matt leaned down and you met him half way, the kiss wasn’t hurried, there was no urgency in it. It was soft and lazy, both of you taking your time, not in any rush, both content in each other’s arms.

It was only when Matt pulled away with a frown did you feel a sense of urgency, not quite sure why yet but if Matt was making that face then something was definitely wrong. He stayed silent for a few moments, crease apearing in between his eyebrows as he tilted his head, listening for something you couldn’t hear and you hoped it was just him deciding if a situation needed Daredevil’s intervention.

But when Matt shot up into a sitting position, forcing you up with him from your spot on his chest, you panicked. Matt’s face had gone pale, paler than you’d ever seen with the only exception being when he’d lost too much blood. His head tilted further to the side like he was straining to hear something before his mouth fell open with a silent gasp and you could see his eyes widen.

You trusted Matt’s judgement and for him to look this scared, this worried and confused then you knew you should be scared too.

“Matt, what’s happening?” You asked and it seemed to pull Matt’s attention back to you, shaking his head almost in disbelief but he didn’t answer for a long moment. You could tell he wasn’t ignoring your question, could see the way his mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. “Matt please, you’re scaring me.”

“Something’s wrong.” He told you, his head shifting in every direction like he was hearing too much at once. “The city, it’s…”

In all the time you’d known Matt, from first time meeting him when you were both hidden under your masks to the time you’d spent together as Matt and Y/N, you’d never seen him like this before.

It was terrifying.

“Matt, please tell me what’s happening.” It had to be the aliens, it was the only explanation but you couldn’t see any giant spaceships, no aliens ascending from the sky. As you glanced around it just looked like a regular day.

“It’s, I don’t know, it’s like people are disappearing. I can’t hear- Y/N, I can’t hear their heartbeats, they’re just gone, they’re going out.” Matt told you, turning his attention back to you as his voice trailed into a whisper and you stared back at him with wide eyes.

“What do you mean, gone?” You asked as a wave of anxiety flooded through you and Matt shook his head, turning back towards the streets as he listened.

“I don’t know, I just-” Matt began but cut himself off, his head snapping around to face you, wearing an expression you’d only ever seen once on his face.

It was the expression he wore when you had been shot, he could hear everything and he barely got you to Claire before your breaths came few and far between. Claire had barely managed to bring you back to him but you still remembered that haunted look on his face and swore you’d be more careful because you never wanted to see it again.

And now here it was and you didn’t know why.

Not until you looked down anyway, a strange sensation running through your body and you let out a panicked cry as you saw your hand breaking off and separating into tiny specks of dust.

“No, no, no..” Matt’s voice had you snapping your head up to look at him, tears stinging at your eyes and you could see them pooling in his.

“Matt, what’s happening to me?” You asked, the tears slipping down your cheeks and Matt let out a choked sobbed, pulling you into his arms, holding you tightly like he could keep you in one piece. “Matt, I’m scared.”

“No, no, shh, you’re ok, you’re ok.” Matt murmured, his lips finding their way to your forehead, letting them linger there and you could feel his tears wetting your skin.

“Matt, plea…” Your voice trailed off into nothing and Matt was slumping over, you suddenly not in his arms and your breathing, your sobs, your heartbeat was just gone, like it hadn’t been there to begin.

The tears fell past Matt’s eyes, heartbroken sobs leaving him as he stayed hunched over on the roof of his building and as he cried he heard so many in the city doing the exact same thing whilst more and more heartbeats faded into nothing.

The Blip.

That’s what they were calling the damn thing. The thing that took you had a name and Matt despised it.

It had been eight months, eight months since that warm, sunny day in spring, eight months since you had been taken from him. Now it was November, the sky was grey and Matt could still hear the fear in your voice as you pleaded with him. Eight months without you, eight months where he had become nothing but a shell of himself.

Eight months of replaying every memory he had of you because the thought of forgetting you sent an ache through his heart. Eight months of thinking about all the words he should have said to you, words he would never get to say to you.

Matt stood by the window, the weather seemed to match his mood. He could hear the rain smacking against the window and the pavement, could hear the rumble of thunder, could feel the coldness on his skin but he didn’t care.

He’d been numb since that day all those months ago. At first he put on the Daredevil suit every day and found bad guys to take his anger, his pain, out on. Frank’s words had run heavy in his head, letting him know he was only one bad day away from being him and Matt knew he was right, he just didn’t think the bad day that would push him over the edge would be losing you.

It had seemed so unimaginable months ago that it never even crossed his mind. When you put on your mask you were always with him, fighting side by side, he always had your back so he knew you’d be safe.

But now you were gone and Matt was left alone. It had been months since he put the suit on, it didn’t feel right anymore, like it suddenly didn’t fit but he knew it was because you weren’t there with him. Daredevil had worked alone for so long before you showed up but then you had refused to leave and he found he actually liked working with you.

Matt couldn’t even remember why he used to put on the suit, couldn’t remember what he used to fight for. Everything seemed so pointless without you. How was he expected to just go on about his life? How could he pretend that he was ok when he felt like a piece of him had been ripped away?

He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t fake it until it didn’t hurt anymore because it would always hurt, he knew the pain and heartbreak and the rage he felt would be for evermore.

Somehow five years passed, five long painful years. Matt was surprised he was still alive in all honesty because he had completely lost himself. Considering how reluctant he had been to let you into his life at all back in those early days, he had to hand it to you, you really had wormed your way deep into his life, entwining yourself around every part of it and making it impossible for him to move on.

Not that I ever tried to move on, Matt mused to himself as he walked the streets of Hell’s Kitchen. He was practically catching his death, the cold was bitingly chilly and the rain was almost painful but still he hadn’t bothered to grab a coat on his way out of the door. He just needed to be out of the apartment.

What had once been an empty place had been filled with lots of little trinkets and all the things that made it feel like a home. Sometimes Matt thought about moving, there was too much you in the apartment but ultimately he never did, he couldn’t leave behind something that was a part of you.

It had been five years and Matt hated himself for forgetting the sound of your laughter, he hated that he knew your favourite song but couldn’t remember how you sounded as you sung it whilst dancing around his kitchen, he hated that his sheets and his sweaters didn’t smell like you anymore.

It had been five years since you died and five years since Matt Murdock became a ghost, still alive but really he had died that day with you. Some days he thought about doing it, about ending his pain but he could never do it, catholic guilt and all that.

He knew he’d feel this loss until he took his last breath and some days he longed to put the suit back on, to pick a fight and not fight like he used to, to let the other guy get the hits in until Matt felt himself slipping away from the world.

It was tempting but he couldn’t bring himself to do that either. So instead he was doomed to this life, for the pain to last for evermore.

He was so lost in thought that he missed it at first. It wasn’t until he bumped into somebody that definitely hadn’t been there moments before that he took notice, his eyes widening, breath catching as he heard it.

Heartbeat after heartbeat, it was almost overwhelming and Matt couldn’t stop the strangled sob that left him. More and more heartbeats returned, Matt could hear every single one of them, could hear the excited yells and confused murmurs.

It had been five years, five long, lonely, heartbreakingly exhausting years since you died. Five years since Matt Murdock last felt happy but here in the streets of Hell’s Kitchen a grin broke out across his face, tears pouring from his eyes and he didn’t hesitate to turn around.

He ran, he ran like his life depended on it because it did. As he got closer to the apartment he paused, nearly tripping himself up because there, that was a heartbeat Matt Murdock knew, one he had forgotten the sound of but now he heard it again it was hard to remember how he could have ever forgotten.

He kept running, he ran all the way up the stairs and through his apartment before he was on the roof and there you were. It was really you.

“Matt?” You asked and Matt felt his knees buckle beneath him, barely managing to hold himself upright as he forced his feet to move towards you.

He had to know you were real and when he lifted his hand and cupped your cheek he couldn’t stop the heaving sobs that escaped him and he buried his face against your neck, holding you tightly against him.

“Hey, it’s alright, you’re ok.” You murmured, rubbing your hand up and down his back whilst the other wrapped around his waist. “You’re ok, what happened?”

You didn’t know, Matt thought. He had gone through the worst five years of his life and you had no idea what had happened. Matt was going to have to be the one to explain that five years had passed without you, that the world had somehow carried on without you.

But that didn’t matter right now, Matt wasn’t sure he was capable of words at that moment. The tears and sobs weren’t slowing down but he didn’t care, it had been so long, so damn long, he never thought he’d have you back and now that you were here Matt was never letting you go again.

“Matt, baby,” You whispered, kissing his hair and pulling him closer.

You were so painfully confused, mind fuzzy and unable to remember anything. One minute it was sunny and you had been on the roof with Matt, the next it was pouring down and Matt was nowhere to be seen. You’d only been out in the rain for a few moments before Matt had burst onto the roof like a mad man, staring straight at you like you were a ghost.

“Hey baby, can we go inside, I don’t want you to get sick.” You said softly, noticing how pale Matt had been before he hid himself away in your neck. You had seen the dark circles that were practically black eyes and how gaunt his features were, it looked like you weren’t the only ghost on the roof.

Matt didn’t say anything for a long moment but then he nodded into your neck, placing a kiss to your skin causing you to shiver before he pulled away, his hand coming up to cup your cheek again and he brought your foreheads together.

“I’ve missed you so much.” He whispered brokenly and despite having no clue what was going on you felt your heart break for him.

It wasn’t long before the two of you were in dry clothes and Matt had you tucked under the covers on the bed, pulling you against his chest and holding you tightly in his arms, terrified that you’d disappear again.

“Think you can tell me what’s going on now?” You murmured as your fingers drew random shapes into his chest, from where you lay you could feel Matt’s heart hammering against his chest and though he had managed to stop the sobs there were still tears falling down his face.

It wasn’t long before you were in the same position, tears pouring down your cheeks as you held Matt close to you, heart breaking as you listened to him describe what had happened five years ago and all the time in between. Hearing how lost, how broken and lonely he was, hearing that he had been ready to join you years ago, God you were a sobbing mess by the time he was done and the two of you could do nothing but cry and hold each other close.

And yet even with the tears falling down his face Matt felt better than he had in years, somehow you were back from the dead and he would never take a single day for granted again. Matt had thought for sure the rest of his life would be filled with pain and nothing else, yet here you were and Matt knew the pain wouldn’t be for evermore.

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Back To December

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Prompt -  'So this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night.’

You felt like you could hardly sit still as you sat at a small table furthest away from the door, trying to get the most amount of privacy for the conversation that was to come. Outside the window snow fell down and you rubbed your hands together, both out of nerves and in an attempt to warm them up.

You had played and replayed how this conversation was going to go a million times over in your head, planned what to say only to scrap each idea as nothing you came up with felt good enough.

The drink you had ordered had been placed on your table only seconds before the bell jingled to announce the door opening and you barely had time to thank the waitress before your mouth went dry. As much as you wanted this conversation, as grateful as you were for it, there was another part of you that wanted to run away.

But you couldn’t run away again, not when you were being given a second chance, even if it was only to have one last conversation before living the rest of your life with regrets over what could've been.

You watched as he scanned the rooms, cheeks red from the cold, before his eyes landed on you. You hated the tension clearly readable even from across the room and how he seemed to have to force his feet to make their way over to you.

“Hi.” He greeted softly, his voice sending an ache through you and you had to force yourself to swallow past the lump in your throat as he sat in the seat across from you.

“Hey,” Your voice was just as soft as his was, if a little more obviously shaky. “Thank you for coming, I’m so glad you made time to see me.”

“Yeah, well, I,” Buck started before he trailed off and shook his head. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too.” You told him with a small smile, meaning it with every part of you. It had only been two or so weeks since you had last seen him but you had missed him more than words could say. “How is everything? How’s the 118, I haven’t seen them since-” You cut yourself off, neither you or Buck needing you to finish that sentence.

“Things are good, work’s busy but I guess it always is more hectic around the holidays.” He smiled and even though it didn’t meet his eyes you were so glad to see it. “Everyone else is good, Christopher misses you.”

“I miss him too.” Breaking up with Buck was bad but it wasn’t just him you had lost, you had lost the friendship you had made with his friends. You didn’t blame any of them for cutting you off, they were his friends first and would always be in his corner before yours but you missed them all so much.

“How’ve you been?” Buck asked and you couldn’t stop the frown that pulled at your lips because truth be told you hadn’t been great but you wouldn’t tell Buck that, not when it was your fault you were having sleepless night after sleepless night, replaying the same scene, the same conversation, over in your head a million times. You spent nights crying when the memories of weekend trips invaded your mind, summer adventures where Buck drove and you sat at his side, watching him laugh as the two of you sung loudly to the radio, remembered the nights tucked against his chest with his arms wrapped around you and feeling safer than you had ever felt in your whole life.

“I’m okay.” Was about as much as you could muster up and Buck glanced away from you for only a moment before his focus was back on you. The lump in your throat was back and you forced it down, as well as the stinging you felt in the back of your eyes.

The small talk was painful to both of you, the reason why you were here hanging heavily in the air but you were still desperately trying to think of the right thing to say. Buck’s guard was so obviously up and for good reason to. You’d hurt him, you knew he had been hurt before, left behind without a second thought and you had done the same to him.

How could you tell him the reason when you didn’t fully understand why you had done it yourself? How could you tell him that you had panicked, that he had been so perfect, so incredible, always thoughtful, always putting you first, how could you tell him that it was so serious that it had scared you.

Part of you knew he would have understood if you had handled it better, if you had sat him down and told him that this was the most serious relationship you’d ever had, that you loved him more than anything and that terrified you. For some reason you hadn’t been able to bring yourself to do that though, to handle it maturely and take a breath, instead you had walked away in a panic only to regret it every day since.

Buck had every reason to keep his distance now, he had every reason not to show up at all but you were glad he had. You loved him so much and if you ever had a second chance with the man you would never take it for granted.

You shifted in your seat, sitting up straighter and wrapped your hands around your mug just for something to do with them. The lump in your throat seemed to be stuck there but you took another breath and forced yourself to address the reason you had asked Buck to come here.

No part of you was expecting him to take you back but you at least owed him an explanation. People were good at leaving Buck without one and after all the goodness and kindness he had treated you with he at least deserved a reason, he deserved to not spend anymore nights blaming himself and wondering what had gone wrong.

“I’m sorry,” you began and watched as Buck sat up straighter too, his eyes wide and sad as he looked at you and you felt your heart ache. “I’m sorry for that night, Buck. I regret it more than I’ve regretted anything.”

“Why?” Was all Buck was able to choke out and seeing the tears in his eyes made yours sting.

“I wish there was a good reason, Buck. I wish I could tell you something that doesn’t sound as pathetic as the truth.” You told him, voice cracking as you spoke and your grip on the mug tightened.

“Just tell me, Y/N/N, I need to know because I have spent every night agonising over what I did wrong.” He forced out, a single tear sliding down his cheek but he made no move to wipe it away. “I thought we were good.”

“We were, Buck. I promise you, if you don’t believe anything else I say believe this, you were perfect. You were so much more that I could ever ask for, so much more than I deserve and it terrified me. It terrified me Buck because I have never felt this way about anyone in my whole life and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what to do with the fact that I love you Buck, I love you so much and I’m not saying this to win you back, I know I hurt you and that, that is unforgivable because you were nothing but amazing and you didn’t deserve me walking out on you and for that, Buck, I am so sorry.” By the end of the short speech tears were sliding down both your cheeks and you were glad you had sat at the back in the far corner of the room, grateful for the privacy.

“Y/N,” Buck whispered but couldn’t seem to say anything else and you smiled at him, a smile filled with sadness and regret.

“I’m so, so sorry, Buck.” You repeated shakily, “I said this wasn’t me trying to get you back and I meant that but I have spent every night since that night regretting not just talking to you, every night missing you more than anything. If I could go back and change it, go back and just talk to you, God Buck, I'd do it in a heartbeat and I’d understand you never wanting to see me again, to walk away and be done with me-”

“I love you too, Y/N/N.” Buck told you softly, cutting off whatever you were going to say next and you were glad for the interruption both because you had no idea what you were actually saying, the words just falling out of you, but also because you got to hear Buck tell you he loved you for the first time. “I love you so much and trust me I was scared too, hell Bobby and Eddie can tell you how many nights I kept them up talking about it so I get it, I just wished you’d talked to me before leaving.”

The two of you were sat with tears falling down your cheeks, looking at one another with love, sadness, hope, as well a whole mix of other emotions. Despite not knowing what was going to happen, for the first time since you’d left Buck you felt like you could breathe again, like the weight that had been sitting on your chest for weeks was finally gone and you couldn’t help but smile at Buck.

“I wish I could change how I handled it.” You told him softly and he just smiled back at you, reaching across the table and gently pried your hand off the mug to wrap in his hand, his thumb brushing gently against your knuckles.

“Promise me that next time you’ll just talk to me, Y/N. I can’t handle you walking away again.” Buck told you and your eyebrows knitted together before his words fully registered and your eyes widened.

“Next time? Buck I-”

“You were scared and overwhelmed and didn’t know how to handle it. I told you I get it but we have to talk about these things, I don’t want to lose you.” Buck cut you off and you couldn’t help but smile at his words even as more tears filled your eyes.  

“I promise, Buck.” You told him sincerely, still in disbelief that he was so open to fixing things, to not holding your mistake against you.

God, you loved him so much.

“Good because these last few weeks have been hell.” He laughed even as a few more tears slid down his cheeks. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Buck.” You said softly and the two of you just sat there for a moment longer, unable to look away from each other, unable to stop smiling as you did.

You might not have been able to go back in time, back to that first week of December where you had walked out of Buck’s apartment with tears sliding down your cheeks, but somehow you were here now with Buck, Buck who had the biggest heart you knew, Buck who would bend over backwards to help anyone, Buck who had the capacity to forgive no matter how many times he got hurt.

You swore to yourself as you squeezed the hand still holding yours that you would never take him for granted, would never let another day go by you don’t tell him you loved him, would never mess up your second chance with Buck.

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