It Isn't Discussed Enough How Desperate, Panicky, And Crushed Aziraphale Sounds When He Cries "I Need

It isn't discussed enough how desperate, panicky, and crushed Aziraphale sounds when he cries "I need you!" to Crowley. He assumes Crowley doesn't understand that they can be happy together and fix the system as a team, that Crowley could make stars again, that Heaven could be truly good once more. While we and Crowley may know how awful Heaven can really be, Aziraphale still believes in the good of Heaven. Even with that belief, I think he also knows it will be hard, terrible, painful work to bring it to the level he believes it will be. But he still will fight because that is who he is. And he wants the love of his life to stand with him.

It's easy to forget Aziraphale was a warrior, that God saw fit to grant him a flaming sword. Aziraphale has proven himself over and over as a protector and a fighter. Yes, Crowley saves him a lot, but, as the scene with Maggie and Nina in the bookshop shows, he LETS Crowley save him. Aziraphale knows Crowley loves him and that Crowley shows his love by rescuing him, so he allows him to do so. He is perfectly capable of saving himself when he wants to. But in that warrior nature, he understands the danger involved in what he is about to attempt. 

And he is terrified. 

Aziraphale may come off as naive, but he is absolutely not. He just wants to see the good in everything. He isn't naive. He's hopeful. Sometimes to a fault, but it's there nonetheless. But he is cognizant that Heaven is pretty terrible -maybe not to the extent Crowley is, but he knows- and that changing the system may very well be the end of him. He knows he could -and most likely will- die in this attempt to bring about change. And now he thinks he will do it alone.

And the love of his life, the one he hoped would stand shoulder to shoulder with him to affect this change, his support, his one-and-only, and his knight in tarnished armor… is leaving him. Running away to hide, from his view. Now he has to put on a brave face and walk into the jaws of a monster all by himself. 

It's a plea, almost as desperate as the kiss he is about to receive. The courage falters and the walls come down. "I NEED you!" Please don't let me face this alone. Please don't leave me.

No, he doesn't understand Crowley's reasons. And they are on completely different pages as far as communication goes. So that plea, while heard, doesn't come through as what it should be to Crowley. They both completely missed the message on what they were both saying and now they must face their respective fates alone. Aziraphale certainly said some pretty terrible things to Crowley (don't get me started on that "second in command" line), but hat doesn't mean he feels it any less. While Crowley is angry and hurt, Aziraphale is frightened to death.

Aziraphale is so scared. But he's going to do it anyway. He cried out "I need you" and the one he needed just walked away.

That smile we see at the end? Well, there is nothing more dangerous than a warrior who has absolutely nothing to lose.

As a bisexual person I'm keenly aware of how such stereotypes are inevitably harmful to us, but unfortunately when I see bisexuals in fiction who are Evil and stylish and fuck like champions I can't help but go "oh work" for a sec. It's a difficult conundrum

I just saw some idiot on TikTok say "Markiplier hasn't uploaded anything in 3 weeks. Long time viewers will know this isn't normal." BITCH THIS MAN JUST CAME BACK FROM NOT UPLOADING FOR A MONTH THE FUCK YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T NORMAL. This Man Who Owned Five Ovens habitually erases himself from all of existence for weeks at a time. This Short Ass Motherfucker could be in fucking Korea getting blood drained from his eyes and won't be back for 2 more weeks. This Squirrel King is the same asshole who promised us four times to upload something every day and broke that promise the very next week.

The fuck you mean "long time viewers" BITCH LONG TIME VIEWERS KNOW HOW NORMAL THIS IS. Long time viewers know him uploading every day ISN'T NORMAL. If we get a couple month of content it's awesome! But those are so few and so far in between. Do you really think this isn't normal for the man who legit had people impersonating him on his own channel because he took a hiatus for like half a year. That lucky flannel having motherfucker disappears constantly, then reappears with some unbelievably AMAZING FUCKING QUALITY CONTENT LIKE WHO FRAMED MARKIPLIER OR A DATE WITH MARKIPLIER OR FUCKING IN SPACE WITH MARKIPLIER.

THE MAN IS MAKING A FUCKING MOVIE AND HAS DISAPPEARED FIVE TIMES ALREADY BECAUSE OF IT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THIS ISN'T NORMAL.

What may have happened during our childhood that made us develop a trauma?

We may have felt the need to keep an eye on our caregivers' beahviour, to judge them and their mood so to find ways to feel safe, and this transformed into an ability to be very sensitive about people's emotions, to the point of being an empath too. We grew up being caring towards others, validating them often, listening to them and trying to protect them from what we've been experiencing first hand.

We may have had to live in survival for long and that messed up a little with our memory: it can still affect us nowadays. We may have problems in expressing ourselves and/or learning/remembering stuff (sometimes our memories can get a little twisted from reality because of this shock too).

We may have been punished or yelled at for small mistakes when we were little and now tend to overreact even to little things. We may be seeking for perfectionism. We may also try to always explain us constantly in fear of being misunderstood or to "save" ourselves from easy and wrong judgement, even when it's not really the case.

We may have been grown up with parents/caregivers carrying anger and/or control issues, and still be triggered/scared when dealing with conflicts or someone's anger. We may be trying to keep a quiet and warm environment, even at the cost of taking the blame for something we haven't done or surrendering even if we know we're right (some though may need to actually go full force in and take over the other person so to change what has been).

We may have problems being vulnerable, having low self confidence cause of past gaslighting. We feel lonely, lacking trust in others, and having an hard time forming good relationships with others: we easily feel exhausted, judged, and unable to be vulnerable, fearing to scare everyone away and ending up alone once again after having lived an illusion (which would break us even more).

We may be trying to relive our trauma both in order to understand + heal and to feel safe (we are in a "known" place, where the unknown can't happen). It can also happen unconsciously through nightmares and sleep paralysis: these may tell us to keep an eye on what's going on on the outside and at the same time trigger our feelings of unsafety, powerlessness and vulnerability (and other fears too).

We need to try to remind ourselves that is okay to feel these emotions. But that now we're safe and know what is all about, we need to take care of us, even through the help of a therapist/professional. Let's just be kind and forgiving with ourselves for not knowing back then while we're healing, learning and working on us.

There is something deeply frustrating about having the kind of complex emotional traumas that mean even one minor incident can result in a brand new trigger. This one negative interaction now means this entire person is a trigger, and it wouldn't even be remembered after a few days by someone who doesn't have the preceding years of bullshit, but it's a major and deeply unfortunate shift for the new person.

Like. Imagine if your brain interpreted every red flag as a "panic the second you see this," and also interpreted every orange, yellow, and maybe even offsides as a red flag, because missing a yellow out of the peripheral had previously resulted in an actual red. Multiple times.

(Do I actually know what a red, yellow, or orange flag even is anymore, in this metaphor? No. I am physically incapable of understanding when someone is minorly annoyed and got over it after a few minutes vs. when someone is holding a grudge the way I unwillingly hold anxiety.)

And now wrap all that up in the fact that the negative interactions that cause the new triggers are common and unpreventable because they're built from undiagnosed-but-almost-definitely-autism interactions that cannot feasibly be avoided without cutting one's self off from human interaction entirely.

So you have years of emotional trauma, a brain that develops new triggers at the drop of a hat by immediately sorting people or signs as falling under an existing trigger as soon as a minor negative emotion is displayed, and a personality that the cannot prevent the incidents that cause said negative emotions.

People who have regular body heat don't experience cold the way we do. They apparently have this little heater inside of them that just, keeps their blood and internal organs comfy all the time. Being "cold" to them is just a chill on their skin. "If you're still cold after the first layer, put another layer on!" That doesn't work if you don't have the body heat to warm up those layers!!! it's just cold fabric on top of cold fabric on top of cold fabric on top of cold skin on top of cold fat on top of cold muscle on top of cold bones.

Then of course, even if there are FINALLY enough layers to make our skin warm. That does not mean it will make our bones warm. I could have an electronically heated blanket on me, and start sweating from it, and STILL BE COLD because it takes a lot of time for any amount of heat to pierce the surface level of my body & warm me in any ways that matter. So yeah, anytime you're interacting with somebody who doesn't have temperature regulation issues, and they offhandedly mention that they love the cold, just be aware they are never ever talking about our kind of cold. the kind that feels like an uphill battle. They're talking about something completely different and unique to them and their little internal heater. something some of us may never experience because we're always trapped in that fight with the air around us.