I Am Not A Bad Person,I Just Never Healed From My Trauma

I am not a bad person,I just never healed from my trauma

I have dreamed about the teacher for the 2nd time who physically abused me it goes like this my mum told me about that teacher that he is so kind so I blow up and I start scratching and scream at her after all he done to me I kept repeating it and the teacher was Infront the room sitting and he got up and come close to me I flinched cause I was scared he gonna hit me and he hugged me instead am so confused what that mean I felt disgusted and uncomfortable in the dream and when I wake up it triggered me I asked myself why I didn't end it that day I wish I ended before I finished up high school

the philosophy teacher react when he knew that the geography teacher physically abused me he immediately blamed me and told me that I deserve it and the geography teacher could broke my nose I felt so sick I burst out crying when my mum told him about it and then he told me these exact words I still remember his words it hurt make me guilt and think what if I really deserve it (happened 2 years ago)

Yk ever since he hit me I would get this feeling like... Every man would eventually do the same

Did your parents stand up to the teacher who abused you ? Well mind didn't

My parents I thought I could count on them they failed me I am still so confused and sad unable to understand why they didn't my mum yelled at me and my dad as well instead of defending me my dad told it's normal and he used to get hit when he was a child like what?? It was a private lesson in my house That's not normal my mum was beside me and she told the teacher that I didn't study all the lesson I don't remember I softly poked her soft poked her was playful tho sometimes I do weird /unexplained things the teacher told me stop so I do it again playfully and he hit me after It Been almost 2 years and I still remember it all like it happened yesterday my parents betrayed me a left me behind I get flashbacks nightmares at night

I feel like they prefer strangers than me

traumatize me so bad that i can’t even sleep<\3