I Keep Asking Myself, When Did I Take A Wrong Turn? When Did I Become Who I Am?

I keep asking myself, when did I take a wrong turn? When did I become who I am?

I grew up in a good family, I was brought up independently and could always count on my family. I have both feet on the ground and don't have to be afraid of the future.

But what went wrong?

When did I start struggling so much to pretend to be strong in front of my friends and family, when all I'm doing is breaking inside?

I don't know what I've done and why I'm no longer allowed happiness and contentment.

Whenever you reach for me, I will do everything I can to further distance myself from you.

And then they will leave you ..

“How do you know someone is for you? They bring peace you haven’t found anywhere else. They support your effort. They water your growth.”

— Unknown

You have always been one of the strong people, grew up in good circumstances and yet a weakness has developed year after year. You don't know why, you thought it would pass and it was just a phase. Year after year, day after day and hour by hour. You are happy but somehow you feel an emptiness in you. You have a good job and a good life, can travel and should be happy. But you are alone. And then someone comes who catches you, you feel really safe for the first time and are satisfied with your life and then the person with whom everything felt right disappears from your life and you are at the end. You always break together when you are alone and no one notices it. You are alone.

“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

— Charles Bukowski, Women

I'm not sure if l've ever loved in my life.

I only know that I was completely satisfied with you for the first time and I felt safe. Near you, I wasn't afraid of the future because I knew I had you by my side forever. It has never been so calm in my head.

And now you're gone and I'm learning to fear again. The fear of never being happy again and having to face the horror of this world alone.