Lonelly - Tumblr Posts

Sometimes I feel very lonely. I want to meet people who read the same books I do, someone who listens to the same music and shows me new artists, I just want to talk about the way I feel the city design should take a part of how we feel or why I like the color of the sky.

This loneliness isn't even romantic or poet, it's just frustrating.

I don't know who I am.

Not anymore.

I've lost who I used to be and I can't seem to find them.

They used to be happiness, they used to be light. They were the pride and joy of all those who knew them, and the shoulder on which to cry. Everyone could lean on them, they would never let you down. They were the angel sent down to make the world a better place.

At least that is what everyone tells me.

I don't remember who they were. They sound like someone from another world. Yet, I have to live in their shadows, 'cause they were who I'm supposed to be.

Perfection and poise personified, the wonders of the world combined. Such high pedestals they stand on, that I can barely just see the height.

But doesn't anyone care about who I am now? Do they not want to know me? Am I to forever be hidden behind the comparison of the one they want to find? Does anyone even care that I exist, separate from the entity in their mind? Does anyone even notice, I'm not an angel but of the human kind?

You healed me, you showed me how beautiful this cruel world can be. You made me wake up every day with a smile and a warmth I had never felt before.

And then you let me fall, because of you every day what little is left in me dies.

I just feel empty, hurt and lonely.

Every breath is agony and tears me apart piece by piece.

I wish every day that you would come back to me. Even though I know that will never happen.

And even if you did, I would look you in the eye and feel the loneliness and the pain you have caused me.

And even though you took everything in my life, I still love you for all my life. 💔

I feel terribly alone૮ ◞ ﻌ ◟ ა

I apply lipstick until I feel pretty enough

(I'm never satisfied)

I don't understand, he asked me if I would block someone that came to DMS to flirt because of what happened earlier, then after long minutes, he sent me reels suddenly as if nothing happened??? I'm so confused

is it possible to die of loneliness cause i feel like i’m getting there

i'm so alone.

tfw you can see that everyone around you is slowly getting tired of you

tried watching the new season of heartstopper and now I'm just sad that I'll never have a big muscly guy to hug me and give me kisses and tell me I'm pretty.

I never knew how much I needed her

until i lost her, now left alone and left a mess

living without her is like trying to live without water

drowning deep into a pool of my own loneliness

my october.

The week before today I was feeling as apathetic as possible. I got caught in a circle of communication and studying and were close to dying. Yesterday I almost died. But didn’t because tiredness had clenched its arms around me so tight, I couldn’t move. And here I am in today. I’ve finally succeeded in opening my heart to the world. The world filled it with some power and it gave me the desire to live on. How have I opened up my heart?

For a long time I’ve been struggling because of people around me. They made me uncomfortable. Every time I was involved into an interesting conversation with objectively cool people, I wanted escape. But I never did. Because I knew that this is a part of the life: you need to expose to people, get useful contacts, introduce yourself to others so you mean something. If no one knows about you, do you even exist? That’s what I thought before.

A few days ago, I fought with my roommate over a meaningless thing really. But I had gathered a lot of ‘swallowed’ thoughts by that moment. So I said not so good words and acted mean. Immediately after our fight the feeling of guilt was born in the depth of my soul. I held it inside for a minute and then let it go. The rest of the night I spent studying and researching for my homework, I pulled an all-nighter. It’s my hobby, to be honest. And when I was getting all that knowledge from books and websites I completely forgot about the fight. Nothing mattered to me than knowledge. You can say I escaped into Wikipedia articles and podcasts. This is where I found my satisfaction, where I was reborn. To spend 24 hours not talking to anyone, reading, writing, and touching moss – this is what I did to find myself again after getting lost on the highway of society.

When you are trying to avoid loneliness at all costs, take this small thought into consideration: “maybe it will inspire you?” You don’t have to create art if you are inspired. You may just live with inspiration, let it consume your soul entirely.

A rant.

I can’t stop feeling like a fucked up burden. Not only on my family or friends, but on the whole fucking world. I can’t shake this nagging feeling that said world would be better off without me. That it would flourish and more people would be joyful without me in it. Without me making my surroundings so miserable, without me fighting every thought that crosses my brain just to keep the intrusive thoughts at bay.

I don’t feel safe anymore.

Not in my room, not in my house, not with my family, not alone, not in this society, not in this world.

I’ve been in a fight or flight or freeze mode for almost a year now and I can’t remember how I snapped out of my last episode of it.

I want to let go. To punch something. To hurt something. To hurt myself.

Life is getting to be too much.

My existence is getting to be too much.

Too much to bear, too little to fight for, not enough to hold on to.

I’m numb.

I haven’t shed a comforting tear in days, weeks, months and I’m terrified of the outburst I’m inevitable to go through but I can’t even force the tears out. Not even for an acting scene.

Part of my brain wishes to remain frozen in place whilst the other one craves the rush of jumping off a roof but I know one would provide temporary relief in a closeted prison which called disassociation when the other one would, theoretically, provide end to one suffering and start of another, more potent kind of suffering.

I can barely remember yesterday and only flashes of this week are all that’s left in my memory. Flashes from minutes, hours and days.

Just like I can’t remember much of last year and only flashes of my whole life are the only proof that I was actually “alive” and wasn’t merely put on this earth right now. That I had a childhood that I lived through things and saw things and took part of things which I have no recollection of.

I feel alienated. I feel wrong, out of place, as if I don’t belong here. I feel as though I should be somewhere else. In another reality because the one I’m living is so shitty not even a fly would wanna sniff it, let alone eat from it.

I could be more. I should be more is the mantra echoing itself from a distant, lightly dimed room in my brain. But the room is windowless and door-less and the only light source is a flickering candle for the oxygen is running out and even it can’t live on in such a tight space.

It wants out, needs out but the voice needs it so it chooses to kill itself, to suffer in silence, holding on to dear life just to illuminate the room still, until it no longer can. Until time comes for the both them for time always catches up.

But I guess being taken out as a pair is better than being singled out.

Right?

I hope so.

Or I might just finally manage to shed a tear for a missed life, thinking the candle deserved better.

Pooled have the tears but shed themselves they never did.

Perhaps they worry. Perhaps they refuse to drop in fear of extinguishing the still fighting-for-a-breath candle and so they hold back. Hoping an opportunity might still present itself for the gasping beauty and a wall would come crashing down, giving the candle a new breath to draw from so that the light might shine again and the voice wouldn’t despair. So it knows to get up, pick up the candle and go somewhere better. Away from the debris, away from the darkness, away from the loneliness of the closed off space so the tears might finally shed themselves with not fear but with pride.

I am alone. In my thoughts, in my room, in my house, in my society, in my life.

I am lonely. And I can’t remember how to enjoy it.

I reminisce on lost time, on lost opportunity, on lost friendships, on lost relationships, on lost energy and on lost thoughts. I reminisce on what could have been and on what I doubt has to come. I reminisce on clarity, on purpose, on worthiness and carelessness. I reminisce on freedom and acceptance and I reminisce a lost me.

So long my friend.

I wonder if I'll ever have options besides not being chosen like I want to be chosen and being lonely

I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.

But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.

Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.

And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.

I was just that easy to leave apparently.

But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.

I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.

I think it would hurt a lot less that way.

Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.

So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.

And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.

No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.

I can't keep going like this.

It would be easier just to drown.

I've never been good with reaching out to people but I finally had my group and I thought that I had found my people

But then time after time as soon as there were other people there it was like I didn't exist anymore and I'm so fucking tired

Is it really so selfish of me to want to feel important for once

Like damn I do everything I can for these people and when I haven't reached out in over a week nobody cares

Nothing changes and they move on without me and then when I finally suck it up and go back because I'm a whore for any sort of attention no matter how fleeting they will act like it's just a silly little thing that I did

I can't stand being alone I can't be alone with myself anymore

But they make me feel so goddamn pathetic

when's it gonna be my turn?!