Real

Real

What am I missing that others have so naturally? Is it a simple unspoken fact, that I was never taught? Is it a soul, the very essence that makes someone real? Why am I not a real person? How can people look at me like I do not exist, like I should not exist? How can I miss something I never had?

Romance

I have this distorted vision of romance that requires physical intimacy, but honestly I don't want anyone touching me directly. I do wish there was more media out there that explored this, because it would help me come to terms with it. Aki/Angel fanart often shows this, which is nice. Legion also has this aspect for a few episodes, until they throw that out for mindspace sex, ew. Misfits also has this for a few episodes, but I can't relate to the characters at all. I'm even less comfortable with touch when it goes beyond romance, but try explaining that to someone you wanna spend time with.

Oh no its the gifted child who is wise beyond their years to the burnt out adult with no ability to self-soothe, no ability to fully experience a single tangible emotion, no ability to maintain normal interpersonal relationships, no energy, no desires, no goals, and literally nothing left inside pipeline once again

I have realised that I let people into my life, willingly, I have invited them into my mind, become somewhat dependent on them. I even showed them who I am, this situation is unpleasant and I will rectify it.

However my experiment with one person will continue, getting him to truly understand me, if that is even possible.

Internet

On the internet, there is a certain freedom, to take on any role you want, so many new opportunities for masquerade. It also lets you be open and honest about yourself, precisely because it is so disconnected, it feels optional to your life at first, but eventually you will realise you have exposed yourself, bared your heart open for anyone to see, to anyone who may come to listen. That is terrifying.

you ever start thinking about life as a human being and trying to explain things and you just start unraveling because it's word all the way down and things aren't real. All communication is molded by how you say and the mere change of language makes a thousand new ways to be misconstructed and misunderstood and any way to try and correct it is met with a thousand new human construct of language that emplify the resonance of your auditor's thoughts and the deformity of your own.

you can say anything ever trying to be truthful and the mere presence of words will make it a lie anything can be misinterpreted nothing is one thing everything is legion. There is no way to win ! Speaking just is not a thing that a simulacrum of a human being can learn it's just words all the way down. there's no meaning in it.