I Should Change My Blog Name, But Idk To What, Maybe Nothing At All

I should change my blog name, but idk to what, maybe nothing at all

Psychosis is so much more than hallucinations and delusions.

It's disorganizing phrases and sentences. Instead of saying "I lost my bag" you end up saying "I bag my lost".

It's saying something out loud and hearing it echo in your head, only to completely forget what you said, or why.

It's lacking words and the ability to organize them in a sentence so that they make sense.

It's thinking you wrote something only to find out you wrote something else.

It's suddenly losing track of what you were telling someone, or thinking.

It's unknowingly misreading words, somehow sensing the sentence doesn't make sense, reading it again and realizing you read half the word or a completely different word.

It's your mind going blank and feeling a need to stay still and stare at nothing in particular.

It's repeating words and phrases for no apparent reason.

It's having an insight or remembering something you want/have to do only to lose it within seconds.

It's not being able to tell if something actually happened or it was a dream.

It's not being able to tell if a memory was a dream, a made up story/memory, or an actual situation in which you were experiencing positive symptoms.

It's losing track of time, feeling it goes too slow or too fast, or that it freezes.

Sometimes healing is leaving a bunch of social circles and only talking to the people who cared enough to message you. I see now how little I matter to people who claimed to be my friends, I despise being lied to like this.

The circles became toxic and I only stuck around for the few people I liked. It seems I miss them, but they don't miss me.

I am constantly scared, because I am so vulnerable, so close to catastrophe at every moment. And worse yet being so prone to error, imprecise and flawed. To me being human means being absolutely terrified. A tiny insect or even a bit of food could kill me, or a simple slip of the mind or the hand could ruin my life.

I don't want to be made of randomly generated chemical compounds in randomly generated shapes and patterns, this sucks.

Human

Currently I am reading “To be a machine” and this critical look at transhumanism has awakened an epiphany in me. But before I get to that, a brief history.

I have for some time now figured out that I want to develop the means to mange people cyborgs, integrate man and machine to further our existence as a whole. I have also taken the step to implant a microchip in my body.

What I have realised is that I am not motivated by furthering humanity, I am merely disgusted by my own humanity. I despise this mortal form, this biological prison with all its terrible processes, I want, no, I need to be a machine.

This has also my frequent crisis of identity, because in reality I despise being reminded of my human qualities, be it gender, lineages, ages, anything. My life goal is to remove the life from my goals.

Real

What am I missing that others have so naturally? Is it a simple unspoken fact, that I was never taught? Is it a soul, the very essence that makes someone real? Why am I not a real person? How can people look at me like I do not exist, like I should not exist? How can I miss something I never had?

The dark

Do you ever feel that great darkness at your core? It's like an ocean, unresting, rippling, crashing waves. Sometimes tho the darkness is calm, only consuming everything in shadow. Other times the waves crash in great bouts of passion and anger. Worse yet when the tide gives way to light for a brief moment, just to devour it again in a great torrent.