I Don't Know Who I Am.

I don't know who I am.

Not anymore.

I've lost who I used to be and I can't seem to find them.

They used to be happiness, they used to be light. They were the pride and joy of all those who knew them, and the shoulder on which to cry. Everyone could lean on them, they would never let you down. They were the angel sent down to make the world a better place.

At least that is what everyone tells me.

I don't remember who they were. They sound like someone from another world. Yet, I have to live in their shadows, 'cause they were who I'm supposed to be.

Perfection and poise personified, the wonders of the world combined. Such high pedestals they stand on, that I can barely just see the height.

But doesn't anyone care about who I am now? Do they not want to know me? Am I to forever be hidden behind the comparison of the one they want to find? Does anyone even care that I exist, separate from the entity in their mind? Does anyone even notice, I'm not an angel but of the human kind?

I don't understand myself anymore.

I don't know if I'm happy, or sad, or if I'm pretending or an imposter.

If what I'm feeling is real or just a figment of my imagination.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel and I wonder if i feel the correct emotion. I don't remember what any of them feel like.

I don't remember happy, except that you're supposed to smile and laugh. And when I do smile and laugh, it makes me wonder if it is real or not. If I'm actually feeling it, or have I trained myself to respond to certain things and situations.

I don't remember sad. I just remember that it involves crying and silence. And when I do cry or fall silent, I wonder if it's what I'm feeling, or if it's what I've programmed myself to respond in the situation that calls for grief.

I don't remember hurt or pain. I just remember that there is supposed to be blood or bruises, so when my mind deems that there is supposed to be pain, it makes me bleed or assures that I'm bruised.

I don't even remember emotions that are meant to be beyond these.

The only thing I do know is rage. Unfathomable rage.

The one that burns everything in its wake.

The one that destroys the one it belongs to.

The one that would become the end of me.

And I know what I'm supposed to do with that rage, I think. I know it's supposed to never see the light of day, never come to the surface to run rampant in destruction. So all I can do is run away.

And the times I'm not feeling the rage, all I feel is this endless void of numbness and emptiness that I try to hide behind the emotions that I think I'm supposed to feel. The same void that swallows me when I'm left alone. The one I drown in every night because I don't think i remember how to swim, or how to ask for help because I lost the life jacket with the whistle on it.

And I think that some parts of me do feel those emotions that i seem to have forgotten. It's just with the void as large as the universe, even if I felt those emotions as deep as the oceans, it would never reach all of me.

And I'm scared that I'd lose who I am and who I want to be.

I wish I never

I wish I never met you

I wish I never loved you

I wish it all never happened

Because you only left my heart saddened.

I wanted to be everything for you

So I gave up who I was

I only wanted you to be true

Never aware of the devastation you'd cause.

I wish I never trusted you

I wish I never gave you my heart

'Cause you made me feel things I didn't want to

And now I can't feel anything at all.

I wish I never held your hand

I wish you never touched me

And now I'm drowning in quicksand

But all I can do is let you be.

I wish you never broke my heart

So many times that it would be hard to breathe

I wish you never pushed me

To the point of no return.

I wish I could take it all back

All the times I said that I trusted you

Everytime I called you mine

I wish I could turn back time

Before your eyes could trap my heart

I wish I could end this pain

The pain my heart refuses to acknowledge

I wish I could go back to the time

When I could smile without wanting to rip myself apart

Back to a time I could still feel

'Cause I can't anymore

And this isn't the death I want to die.

Endlessly

Sometimes I just want to disappear

And I don't want to be here.

I'm not sure I can do this anymore

I feel as though I'm all alone.

Feeling like I've started to give up

Every dream that I ever had

Feels like every door is shut

And now all I can be is sad.

I've been encased

In this glass face

One that doesn't shatter

To the others, it doesn't matter

My limbs have been frozen

My mind has been locked

Heart marinates in poison

My soul always blocked.

Rigged and ripped

Tattered and stitched

Scratched and abused

Body never fused.

As time slips through my hands

I'm no longer allowed to walk

"I'll come save you" is a brand

That's no action but all talk.

Walking through the endless darkness

Fears around you in the endless blindness

Stranded alone in this empty

The water to heal here is scanty.

Trapped in the infinite numb

Trying to find the tiniest light

To find the softest hum

To find the will to fight.

Coming up empty-handed

In this nothingness where I landed

Trying to find something to touch

To try and hold 'cause it's getting too much.

Fighting to end this mindless peril

I'm losing the will to go on

Not sure how long until

My unwilling life will come to a stop.