New Year's Eve 23/24

new year's eve 23/24

i had dinner a while ago (i ate what i had packed myself in the to go box when b. and me went to the dining hall for lunch), before that i had gone on a bike ride with the wonderful road bike a kind researcher of some postdoc whatsapp group (that once again i had sneaked myself in, being far away from being one myself) lends me during the course of my stay.

and now i am here, once again sitting in a very fancy&old library of this amazing university. b. is away for the weekend leaving me with his card to be able to open doors myself and not needing to sneak into the establishments, which lets me live out my delusion of myself being the one that made it here. however, i had sworn myself to write down my thoughts about recent times as much as i could make time for it. i just feel like i always regret not writing things down if i don't do it, so here we go:

i am continuing to explain the developments after december 18th's christmas' celebration at the theatre. being left disappointed, i had set my hopes to nye and had gone sure to be assigned the shift that works the night. it was a special day at the theatre: we were performing the same play three times. it is based on sartre's "no exit" and requires all 8 fulltime actors to play. the first performance was set at 3pm, the second at 6pm and the third at 10pm with an interruption at midnight for the guests and the team to be able to admire the fireworks outside and celebrate the new year together. just before midnight it was my task to serve champaigne to the people in the theatre hall. then, all of the team members joined the actors on stage to count down... it was a memorable start of 2024 for sure. after the play we offered a buffet. the atmosphere being really happy, exhausted, light hearted i stayed until 2:30am and helped everywhere i could. i had lost track of how many glasses of champaigne i had myself but i was just happy and euphoric. with this mood i rode my bike home expecting to be able to join a house party i was invited to at my dorm. the day before i had specifically asked whether they will be celebrating the whole night to which they agreed.

and of course, when i arrived i could still see those red and blue lights from the outside giving me some hope, but when i entered the kitchen i only found empty bottles and an incredibly dirty kitchen. being drunk and disappointed yet my body decided to lay down on their dirty sofa to cope with the situation and reflect. doing so i inevitably fell asleep for some time, it must have been about an hour when a girl entered the kitchen to help herself to some water i guess. being completly startled feeling caught sleeping on somebody else's kitchen sofa adrenaline rushed into me which induced me to think "this cannot have been it", "i wanted something to happen for so long, i cannot accept my fate". without further ado and almost like a natural logical consequence i sent a. a dm on instagram.

oh, i forgot to mention that after i had gotten home from the christmas party i had followed him to which he instantly added me back and complimented the parfume and dress i was wearing. which i did not allow to lead to further conversation because at that time i still thought he was in a relationship, which changed when just on the evening of new year's i had asked somebody about to which they responded he was in an open relationship. (which was false infromation as well, since he is simply single) allowing me to finally give it a shot...

so i had sent him this message and again he promptly responded and invited me to join him at this bar/club. i jumped on my bike, freezing and still quite drunk questioning my whole life but also ready for whatever would be coming. and lots was to come i could not even imagine to...

i had arrived at the club, went inside, paid the fee and surprisingly was let in without hesitation even though it has an age limit that i am still very much below. but i guess they don't care about that much when it comes to young girls (i certainly do not look that age). anyway, i had never been to this club, it was build like a regular house: you go upstairs and there are several rooms each decorated in a living room kinda way. each room was playing different music, it was much to explore and i was very much lost. but soon to be found by a. who covered my eyes from behind to greet me. he led me into a crowded room where two of his friends were dancing: a small chubby and shy guy who is so irrelevant that i won't even dedicate him his own abbreviation and jc., a lanky dude looking like every other hipster. it was his moustache in particular that on the one hand disgusted me being so common nowadays for a certain pretentious group of guys, but on the other hand also was extremly appealing as i have always been attracted to them - even before they were cool in the gen z/millenial generation.

so there i was with three guys none of whom i really knew much, but happy not to be alone. i got introduced, was continously supplied with gin&tonics, my favourite drink after red wine, dancing and enjoying myself. i did notice one strange thing: i could not believe my eyes when i saw two actual old people dance very close to us... turns out, a.'s mother and father had been dancing with them ever since they got there, i just couldn't grasp the absurdity of the moment which led me to just take it as it is.

eventually a. as well as jc. and me we dancing really closely right in front of a.'s parents' eyes. there was an incredible amount of sexual tension between both a. and me, and jc. and me. i did try to cheer up jo. and make him dance and lose himself, but he was just too shy which i certainly do not want to judge. in fact, it was nice to dance with somebody who was not creepy for once. every time a. left the room jc. would take his chance and dance with me - a dynamic which at that point was a habinger for else to come. i had just so much fun being the center of attention, being cared and longed for. i could completely lose myself and did not care about anything.

unfortunately at some point the music just was too bad to endure, they certainly wanted people to leave, it must have been around 4am, a.'s parents had already left without me noticing, as us four also left the club. jo. said goodbye to us going to his hostel - he and jc. actually travelled quite far only to be with a. that night. they were childhood best friends. jc., a. and me went somewhere else together. somewhere else where i believed was a.'s flat.

but no, it turned out to be a shared flat by a.'s best friends in town. the apartment was dirty, messy and full of political posters. they all are radical lefties, antifascists. and also radical stoners. those young people that i just cannot stop myself from considering as losers. they all "study" something (if even), and are spoiled by their parents' money that they waste on drugs. those kind of people that look homeless and like to pretend as if they were poor to be edgy, but in fact come from wealthy backgrounds.

well, at this point i was so drunk and tired i had lossed control completely and just went with whatever happened. i don't remember details, but we gathered in one room with sofas on the sides and a carpet in the middle. we were about 10 people i guess, some were dancing, many just sitting and smoking. for a long time i was also sitting, being very cold i was brought a blanket, i was just too tired. jc. was sitting close to me, i approached him and snuggled up to him. he comforted me, eventually demanding a kiss. knowing that a. was watching us i felt uncomfortable a bit still. it was always as if he had some claim on me, as if it was clear that i belong to him. i ended up falling asleep on jc.'s lap for some time. i felt incredibly safe and comfortable. in a moment i felt half asleep jc. asked "will we ever kiss tonight?!" which i answered by kissing him and then falling asleep completely.

i woke up very energized, it must have been around 7am. people, though less people, were still dancing and smoking. i was offered soup. i was confused about everything but just again took it as it was. after having eaten i joined the people dancing. i was jumping around the room to metal music with my blanket. at some point a. could get ahold of me and lured me into dancing with him. it must have been very close and again very sexually loaded. he touched me everywhere, his strong arms hugging me to kiss me. it was this excitement you feel when finally allowing the tension to be relieved.

the rest of the morning we spent jumping, dancing and kissing. all of it went on until 12pm! the sky was grey so we could not tell the difference between day and night. a. decided it was time to leave though. lead by a. and jc. i trotted like an obidient lamb wherever to they were leading me.

we arrived in a.'s shared flat, him only having one room which barely fit his bed, a chair, his extremly big tv (redflag!!!) and some shelve. the boys lied down in the bed next to each other. me not trying to be completely blatant sat down sideways on the chair and attempted to sleep a bit. of course it was extremly uncomfortable. at some point i had gathered the energy and courage to request whether i could join them in the bed. which, who would have thought, they did not deny.

i lied down between them and fell asleep feeling as safe as never before. sleeping inbetween two guys i was attracted to, two guys i had danced with and kissed that evening. two guys that knew each other for about 25 years. two guys with rather opposite body types and personalities. two guys i could not have chosen only one of.

we did sleep for some time. i eventually snuggled up to a. but while also holdng jc.'s hand. a. caressed my body, first hesitantly but soon increasingly passionately. jc. got notice from that and copied that by grapping my ass. the motion naturally escalated and intensified. i was overwhelmed and unsure how to act. i did not just want to lie without doing anything so i tried doing justice to both. jc. definitely being more passionate and couragous he slowly started fucking me anally, which actually was the first time for me and was rather semi enjoyable. at the same time a. was undressing me, getting his hands on everything that he was able to free of cloths. he was kissing my breasts and fingering me... when sucking a.'s dick which would not stay hard because he was too excited i guess, jc. fingered me. in general i liked interacting with jc. much more than with a. jc. was more aggressive, more demanding, more direct. when kissing him he choked me just right. in those moments i truly wished a. would have just left us alone already. only when he went to go shower, jc. and me were able to enjoy fully. but when a. came inside the room again it was like jc. had to hand me to him again. i do enjoy being the object that is "being handed over" and used, but of course i would have liked to get used by the guy i was actually more into.

it was the first threesome for all three of us. it was definitely not completely satisfactory for everybody, but it was quite the experience for each party involved. we slept next to each other until around 5pm. the atmosphere when we were awake was akward, not really being able to process what had just happened.

jc. left to join jo. for food and a. and me went back to bed sleeping, cuddling and kissing for some hours. around 9pm we met up with jc. and jo. again, in order to say bye, since they were leaving to their hometowns again. a. was observing closely how i would say goodbye to jc. both of us felt akward and we just hugged each other in a very tentative way. what a shame that was. i still miss him from time to time and hope to see him again in summer this year.

that eventful day was the beginning of a.'s and mine situationship. over the course of the next weeks we would spend much time together. sleeping next to each other, sleeping with each other, kissing in the theatre, watching animated comedy series, eating junk food. in short: i was living a completly hedonist and lazy lifestyle, which for him seems to be just his everyday life. i did and do very much enjoy how a.'s body feels, how he kisses me, gropes me, is obsessed with me and uses me. but i am also extremly disgusted by his laziness, stupidity, dependentness on his mother, his many incapabilities of failing to be a responsible grown up, his non exisiting discipline, his loud ways, the noises he makes. the disgusting things he eats, his infantile way of thinking and debating... all of those things remind me too much of my own father.

i want somebody with dignity, with self respect, with discipline. somebody i can learn from. somebody i truly feel safe with and not just through them being able to physically overpower me and most people. somebody i can truly let myself go and not need to worry for once. somebody mature.

ironically, y. checks all of those boxes. it is only that his body type is completely the opposite of a.'s. y. barely is taller than me and i am certainly stronger than him. whereas i have absolutely no chance against a. he looks rather intimidating and is not a person who couldn't defend me. this fact yet again leads to him being even more gentle in fear of actually hurting me seriously. which i obviously do not like.

so yes, 2024 started wildly. my hopes for drama and excitement finally were satisfied. i was courages and it paid off. unfortunately getting to know a. throughout the past weeks made me lose all interest in him. okay, there might me some physical interest there still, but i will hopefully find substitute for that soon.

me in front of bookshelves in america, all taken in the last 10 days with my crappy laptop camera

the sign of the times - my situation right now

i am writing this sitting in a fancy lounge of a college of what many call the best university of the world.

until april i'll be here auditing classes, catching up on my own uni work, getting things done for the two organizations i am president of (unfortunately), will hopefully develop the habits of going jogging/to the gym, waking up early and eating healthy. lent just started today, which gives me extra motivation to actually be disciplined for once. whether i am really religious i will talk about another time.

i myself have not done much to "deserve to be here", i sneaked my way all into here. it started when i met b. in my home country in 2022. after seeing his interesting name tag (i had never seen a name like his before) on a room in the dorm i had just moved into, i looked him up and he was fascinating. i just had to get to know him... which i set my mind to and we ended up dating for almost two years. he is a high achieving academic in the same field i study, which is politics&law. obviously, there is a rather big age difference between us.

but yeah, we had many good times, the reason for why we broke up is something i elaborate on another time as well. him being a workaholic led him to the us where i am now. i had done an internship in this city last september when he initially began his fellowship. i came back since i am on break of university and i can live with him rent free.

being here i like to get to know all kinds of people. in general, this very much is my hobby. i like getting to know different lifestyles and world views. with the intention of always questioning my own. after graduating highschool i did a lot of couchsurfing in europe about which i can, and perhaps will, write many stories. recently i discovered another great tool for getting to know people: dating apps. especially for when you are not in a relationship anymore.

back home i currently have two situationships going on: one with a. that i actually am rather disgusted by and the other with y. whom i'm beginning to almost worship to an extent that is unhealthy (lol).

whatever.

about my future perspectives: recent years after graduating highschool, being in uni and not being dedicated and disciplined at all whilst also working all kinds of jobs, travelling to almost every european country and simoulatnously engaging myself in several organizations i have come to the conclusion (that is ongoingly edited/expanded) that nothing really matters other than the quality of the things i am consuming, thinking and doing. i really do not care about materialistic belongings or having a career that leads to as much money as possible as soon as possible. of course, this is a rather priviledged stance that i can only have because my country has a rather good social welfare system. but also, it is about my mindset and my claims on life. i really do not want much.

i could go on, but that shall be enough for now. maybe i'll gain some readers sometime. but mostly this is for me as a practice of contemplation and will serve as a future time capsule. i myself have this weird urge of stalking people's lives so maybe you'll find me interacting with your public diaries.

two boring dates, overpriced drinks&"gyro"

js. is a pain in the ass. how can one have so beautifully alluring eyes and yet be so dull. i want to violently shake this boy until he tells me what's wrong with him.

i was just so excited for our date in that pub. and it started great: of course we did not have a reservation... i mean, how naive of him to think we could just show up. well, they were booked for the whole night and we simply walked around the corner to some other establishment. it wasn't something special, it was too loud and the drinks were expensive. i had pinned my hopes on this night and the fact that we were consuming alcohol together. but yet again i had to find myself in the role of an entertainer. i was talking, blatantly oversharing and sometimes i really couldn't even think of anything else to say. i even tried testing how long he would endure me not taking initiative in talking. and unfortunately it was long, he would simply stay quiet and be akward. it was horrible. when i was talking i observed his eyes browsing on and off of that woman that was sitting behind me - blond and around thirty. it made me really sad.

i never find myself to not be enough for a boy. i mean the kind of men i like really always like me back (they don't always want a relationship with me like y., but they are generally attracted to me and like to engage in conversation with me). i think for the first time i felt if i was too boring for him, not pretty enough, but just too much of who i was. seriously, i don't understand him. he cannot be thattt shy. why would he meet me if he had no interest in me whatsoever. i really wanted to break down and just cry in front of him.

i made us leave this bar and wanted to go to another one, a more cozy and quiet one. this city not beeing too big and at some point i guess rather boring really, there was no good alternative. so we ended up going to a bar that was much much louder and much less cozy. i paid the ten dollars of entrance fee for both of us, he invited me to a beer worth of 9 dollars - from a european perspective the latter is just ridicolous!!!! well anyway, we sat down and it happened like it always happens to me when i get drunk: i get in a happy and silly mood. i wanna be carefree and silly. instead, this boy keeps being the depressed chap he is. i just had overshared most details of my life already and now really wanted to get to know him so i questioned him about his past, present and future. about his father who is a drug addict, lives in nyc and whom he is not in touch with. about his sister in law's and his brother's plans, about his hobbies, about what he spends his money on, about how his daily life looks like, about his ex girlfriend. it was like pulling teeth.

i already mentioned how b. had told me i was supposed to be back home at midnight. sitting in this noisy bar at some point i checked the time and sitting there and then it was already past midnight. at that point i though "fuck it, let's see what happens, it cannot get worse". after we had finished our second beers i proposed to go for a walk in a neighbourhood i lived in in september of last year. walking there through downtown we crossed the scene of a crime that apparently had happened shortly before. there were like 20 police cars and plenty people on the street. i found it funny. finally some excitement!

not much to say about the walk, it was just boring and cold. even though i just love walking next to men when i am drunk, especially when they are taller than me. i love them caring for me a bit and me not having to worry for once. but as one could already guess, i did not feel that safe with him.

we reached his car that surprisingly had tinted windows at around 3am. he kindly drove me around the corner to the law school dorm. my phone was dead and i was lost. how could i get into the dorm? i had only then told him how i was supposed to be back home at midnight and how i now don't know what to do. i had not told him earlier because to be honest the whole time i hoped he would invite me to his home. i knew he lives with his mother but i thought he would find a way to sneak me in maybe. nobody has ever anybody denied me sleeping at their place, especially not when i was drunk. instead of finding a way to sneak me inside his home, he looked up hostels in the city!! this was like the worst insult to me ever. i mean, i would have even been happy sleeping in his car with him. but you don't enjoy my presence that much as to even consider me sleeping in a hostel?? (ofc one can also interpret it in a nice and caring way, he just wanted to help, but in that moment i could not grasp that he does not use the opportunity of having a drunk girl in his car, how stupid can he get? (maybe my thoughts are too sick, i don't know)).

i was lost of words and told him i'd find a way and just wanted to leave his car already. my idea was to throw stones at b.'s window. and after a few attempts, he actually woke up! so i went up to js. waiting in his car (which was very considerate and kind) and thanked him for waiting. b. was mad of course, but he let me inside and just went to sleep. what a horrible horrible night!

...

the next morning b. was cold and petty for a long time. we had some fight, but i don't want to go into details. both of us had waken up late and spend the afternoon at home. shortly before 3pm i was finally getting ready, b. was curious what for. i told him i was meeting people. he again was weirded out. anway i went and we agreed to meet at 6 for him to give me the key, because he would join his friend's birthday party in the evening.

i had arranged this date with this boy hs., thirty-ish and a self proclaimed mad scientist. and god how i could already tell by how he was chatting that we would definitely not vibe! he was boring, has no passions, no interest other than his work, no humour, no sense for sassiness and irony, just dull. but unlike js. not even attractive or charming. he was a kind and nice guy for sure, but come on, being nice is not enough if i have to carry the conversations. well anyway, he invited me for what was my breakfast, that was kind and made me happy. at some point a turkish couple sat next to us which irritated me a lot. hs. is turkish and i understand a bit. i could not concentrate on the conversation with him anymore and made us sit outside. there i told him how i was interested in turkish language, culture and music which pleasantly surprised him. throughout our "date" he kept repeating how surprsing certain knowledge or interests of mine were. duh, i hear this a lot. but he could not deal with that at all. instead of suggesting me some books to read, movies to watch, or songs to listen to in order to deepen my understsanding of turkish culture he just kept repeating how surprised he was. he was the typical natural scientist! they mostly are not in touch with things outside of their little bubble - the exception being y. who is incredibly knowledgable and cultured, which of course is the only reason i want him in my life.

i was getting to tired and lead our walk that we eventually went on towards the law school in order to say bye to hs. and hello to b. on our walk i spotted a little cute puppy called judie. the owner let me pet her. that was the only nice thing to happen.

i said bye to hs. diplomatically, really i should recieve an award how well of an actress i can be sometimes. went around the corner to stand in front of b.'s office's window and wave at him to open the door for me. he was like a different person compared to how he was before i left. apparently he had actually considered my words and changed his views towards me and my casual dates. and this is what i love b. for! he is genuine and mature (at least sometimes). i was open about abusing those guys only for drinks&food in front of b. in the morning he was still very skeptical and rather judgemental about it. but in the evening he kind of even hyped me up for that, which i liked. there being trust between us again i had told him how disappointing the night before was and how frustrated i was. i don't remember his reaction though. but we ended up being happy and silly together. b. really is just one of us silly girls most of the time. before he knew me he was a bit boring, he wouldn't even know what memes were - now, he cannot stop reciting certain memes and videos and sometimes sits in silence and suddenly laughs out loud about a meme he was thinking about. he's funny. and he had thanked me for that silly influence in his life. we can joke around a lot together which we kept doing for the rest of the evening.

right now i am sitting in an empty class room of the law school and he is at this party. from time to time he sneaks to the toilet to chat with me about how he hates certain girls there that keep filming themselves and other people dancing. i love his passionate hatred for them.

before coming to the law school again, i had gone to this famour restaurant on campus in order to try their "gyro" which b. had urged me to. of course i had gyros before, but never the american version of it. i ordered and sat down in a booth to wait. i sat below a framed and signed picture of george bush and the tie he had worn the day he ate at this restaurant. whilst that "girls just wanna have fun" was on the radio and i felt like in a movie. i really guess most presidents have come there before. it's a legendary restaurant of this ivy league university. the staff was chill and nice. it was the prime american moment lol.

i got back to the law school lounge to eat the gyro which was satisfactory, and later looked for an empty room to write in. i have been listening to the third waltz of brahm's opus 39 for the past hour on repeat.

not allowed to write

lobby of the law school's dorm, 12:49am 22nd Feb.

i am living with b. in america until april. f., his suitemate, had initially given me an airmattress to sleep on, but it kept defloating and additionally to that, b. complained about the noise that occured everytime i moved. that's why i decided to simply sleep on the carpet floor.

b.'s bed would be big enough to have me sleeping in it as well actually. in the past we had been sleeping together in a single bed. but now he thinks it's kind enough of him to even let me live with him, which is kind of right. still i find it cruel to let me sleep on the floor like this. in fact today, i woke up with a headache because my head hadn't rested well.

so, it is "bed time now". as a last conversation before sleeping and after coming home from dinner with his friends, that of course i wasn't invited to, b. asked me why i couldn't stay longer than until april. i told him my semester was beginning then, to which he replied "well missing a few days of the semester won't be too bad". and there the whole evening went downhill.

i told him how disappointed i am by this statement of his because i know for sure that he himself would never allow himself to miss any days of work or back when he was a student of university. instead me, i am in my second year of studies but have missed most of it seriously. most of it because i was not disciplined enough, decided to travel instead or was probably just too depressed. i am not diagnosed officially but i know there is something very wrong with me.

so i told him how self centered his statement was, because it implies that my university work/career is less important than his. i told him how he thinks i would ever make it as far as he did if i never ever manage to be disciplined for once. and that i wan't to try better and seriously get things done in the following semester for once, especially because this semester i again only managed to write one exam.

to this he again very inconsiderately asked "well why did you only write one exam?!", when i had planned to write 5. i said "do you really want to know?" to which he agreed... so i told him that shortly before i wanted to study for the first two exams i was raped and from then on things went worse and i just was never able again to put my ass down and discipline myself, instead distracted myself.

his first reaction to my answer was "where did you get to know him from", i told him it was through bumble, but i only intended to meet him in a friendly way that evening. to this he simply shrugged his shoulders...

i complained to him and asked what that was supposed to mean and why he only asked that question. i told him how it makes it seem like it was my fault meeting people through dating apps and getting raped. he said this was just my interpretation of it and not his intention. i tried to explain to him that sometimes it certainly is not only about intention, but it is about what one's action has lead to in the other person. and that instead of discussing with him about how he did nothing wrong asking this question and him being all defensive making that whole conversation about himself, i really would rather recieve some empathy and understanding to what happened to me. to this again he only kept defending himself not even trying to console me.

i couldn't believe to what that conversation had turned again. how it's me being the one at fault, him defending himself making it seem like i am just too sensitive, when actually he had made me talk about two extremly vulnerable topics right before i wanted to sleep. made me cry even and instead of acknowledging my emotions, had only tried to defend himself. and the worst of it all: after having retraumatised me, making me all worried and my thoughts busy, he really had the audacity to turn off the light and demand quietness.

i really couldn't believe it. i told him how egocentric he was being. how hurt i was and lonely i felt. he told me to be quiet and sleep.

of course i could not sleep, i at least have to write my thoughts down. have to complain to somebody. i attempted to grab my laptop and leave the room. to which he stopped me saying it was "quiet time" now. basically i am not allowed to leave the room when he sleeps because his sleep is so light that when i enter the room he instantly wakes up, no matter how quiet i am.

so i told him i was going to the toilet. he asked what i needed the laptop for. i said he shouldn't mind. he told me that he wants to talk to me and made me go back into his room. i had a short moment of hope, wishing he would show some understanding, find some consoling words for me to be able to calm down and sleep.

but no - he gave me a lecture of having to be quiet once again. i told him he was crazy for making me have a bad mood, making me cry and my thoughts busy like that and then simply expecting me to quietly sleep. i took my laptop, left his room and am now sitting in the little lobby space in his corridor.

what strucks me most about those interactions is how he fails to show any kind of sympathy or consoling. when i was sitting crying quietly, breaking inside from knowing that i am so alone, knowing that he cannot even grasp what mental state he had put me into, the only thing he mannaged to say what how beautiful i was...

he who in this conversation has boasted himself of having studied criminal law for 18 years, claiming of being aware what victim blaming was well enough when i had told him that what he was doing was exactly that. he who indeed is busy with those things professionally. he cannot even show a bit of understaning or sympathy for a girl that was once his girlfriend sitting on his floor quietly crying?

how alone and unjustly treated i feel just once again by a man.

it finally happened!!

we met for dinner to which i invited him. food was kinda good, i got very happy about the chocolate and mint ice cream i had as desert. i asked him many questions instead of talking too much myself.

i got to know he had studied english literature, which made things make a lot of more sense (so far i had supposed he had studied law since he was a paralegal at some point).

after dinner i showed him around law school, specifically the library. especially because he told me on friday how he had considered of becoming a librarian once.

then we went on a walk. unfortunately i always had b. in the back of my mind who had intitally told me to be back home at 9 to open the door for him. that's why i interrupted our walk at 9 to go home and give b. his key. but b. wasn't home... i asked him when he would come, he said he wouldn't know but i should be home again latest by 10. (he just came home now and it's almost 2am!! - i am so angry i feel like he just wants to control my social life.)

well anyway, afer 9 js. and me went on a second walk and managed to be home at 10 again. i did not want to let him in the suite itself knowing that f. was there, so we hang out in the nice lobby. the only thing that was annoying: even though it is a very fancy and modern lobby, the lights are too bright for it to really be cozy. but yeah, i made us tea and brought a date for each of us to eat. i showed him music on my laptop, we talked about random stuff. he was scratching his hands, it was like he was nervous. i looked over to his hands realising he had the same skin condition as me. i asked him about it and shared my story with it. it was a first rather intimate moment.

it was around 11:30pm, my laptop and phone being almost dead, when i had initiated him to maybe go home now. we stood in front of the doors of the dorm entrance hall and he simply said "goodbye". i couldn't believe that. and made fun of how cold he was being saying that the only thing missing was that proper business handshake and reached out for just that. he took my hand, pulled me closer to him and - finally kissed me! it was what i had wished for since the first second we met and made eye contact. i loved kissing him, i love how he is taller than me, how he is gentle.

soon i stopped and said "now i let you go" and wished him a good night.