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red wine, cigar smoke and jazz

yesterday was fun. i am happy to have given js. a few chances. he seems to be a great man, kind, calm, understanding, tall, nerdy, and apparently also a rather qualified lover, at least as far as making out can already tell.

we first went to that pub that we intended to go on friday, it was all dark rather classy but also just very gentrified bullshit. i had two red wines. we were sitting at the bar. again, i asked many questions. he told me about his university time, that he initially wanted to study film. that the school he went to was notoriously famous for educating the nepo babies of hollywood. he told me about his friends who “dressed down” in order not to out themselves as the rich kids they were. he told me he was on a date with the daughter of the guy that created netflix sometimes. he had made it to this school only with lots of financial aid he said. kind of a joke now knowing that his family cannot be too poor, his mother having studied at an ivy league herself, now being a program director at the medical school of this institution here. well, but he is very down to earth and seemingly hard working, so i really shall not complain or judge for once. 

i liked drinking red wine, conversation was flowing, he was smiling a lot. at some point when he showed me something on his phone a tinder notification had showed up. he quickly brushed it away. it made me sad. but who am i to be sad about this. i am also still active on bumble. and i mean, why wouldnt we? we know each other for a week and i will leave in a month. why do i always directly develop this feeling of personal claim for somebody. its wrong and i know it. still, after that had happened i had to go to the restroom to cry a bit. yes, i am just that dramatic. 

well eventually we got thrown out of this establishment, since they really wanted to close at around 11pm us being one of the last guests. i paid the wine myself. notice, how i only abuse guys for food&drinks that i am not interested in!? yes. 

we went around the corner, he first suggested to go to the bar we went to last time when we were out, but then was so wise as to lead us to the other one just next to that, the one i had suggested to go for the first time we met, but we ended up in the other bar. a real old pub with charme. a smoking establishment selling cigars and starring old people. live jazz music!!! that was the kind of actual speakeasy i had longed for. this was not some kind of gentrified bullshit, no this was real. he could tell i liked it a lot and i saw that he liked it a lot as well. well, i always have good intuition when it comes to such things and i also know that i have good and educated taste. we sat next to each other and shared a beer, i really did not want to spend any more money. and i was also already very drunk, not haven eaten much that day (which i did on purpose to get drunk easier lol). we were sitting next to each other, i inhaled the cigar smoke inflated air with pleasure, listenend to the jazz, got more and more touchy, put my hand on his leg. i loved it. i was feeling happy and silly. observing people like in a movie. i guess he did the same. 

exactly at midnight the band stopped playing. about half an hour later they had turned the lights on. they as well wanted people to leave. i think we went for a little walk after that. i am not sure. i was just drunk. we made it to his car at some point. we were talking at first, him explaining how the guys of the band mgmt went to his college when i had chose to play it in his car radio. he explained and explained, but at some point realised i was not really listening, said “whatever” in the midth of his sentence and finally kissed me! see, he is really learning how to treat me. i just love making out drunkenly. i feel light, safe, adored, admired. he smelled good, feels good. learns to understand me. we did not want to stop. i don’t even remember when he drove the car to my dorm. it was much past my curfew (that b. had made for me). we contuined until shortly before 2am. earlier he had given me a hotspot for me to be able to conctact b. regarding me staying out longer. it was then when i had finally found out his surname.  interestingly, a double name. 

b. reluctantly opened the door for me, i feel asleep on the carpet floor quickly. 

today morning i must have woken up around 6:30 with no alarm, feeling really great, kissed by the sun, no headache or so. i tried to fall back asleep several times so i woudl not disturb b. by waking up but it just didn’t work. i really was as quiet as humanly possible, but he still managed to wake up by me just being awake. and directly he scolded me and complained about me. how light can somebody’s sleep be?! i was on my laptop for a short time, the first thing i did was stalking js.’ mother. about him himself i could not find out much, not really any more results on the internet than his outdated linkedin profile and a literatary review he had written in uni. 

i got ready quickly, and again the sun outside turned out to be misleading, decieving. it is cold as shit today!!! i didn’t know where to save myself to, being very hungry and very cold. so, like a natural reaction, i went to the most famous bagel place in the city and bought a great but expensive bagel. sat myself outside their store and ate half of it, birds around me, sun in my face. great. 

now i only needed somewhere nice and cozy to sit in, so i went to that european café/bakery where they don’t have wifi. i was reading the book sitting at that centrally placed big communal table i realised the guy i kind of despise and have spotted severally in the other café i like a lot was sitting across me. i have observed how he, like me, likes to get into other people’s businesses. he is so obnoxious. i overheard him involve himself in some neighbouring conversations and introduce himself as a unvierstiy prof of some other uni in the area. there are some books piled up next to his computer, he must really think he is the shit. i realise how he is looking for any small opportunity to get in touch with the people around him. i dont know, i am kind of similar. i know that he also recognises me. but i don’t give him reason to reach out to me. i am also not into his stupid game. (for a change). i more and more appreciate people who firstly: know how to truly mind their own business and who secondly: actually do so. i guess by observing him and his obnoxious ways i am kind of tasting my own medicine... i am not sure. 

anyway, i enjoyed sitting here, they play great music, i finished the book, and now wrote about yesterday. it’s 11:30 and i will force myself outside, will probably go to law school, hopefully be productiev for once. in the evening i am invited to join f. for his farewall party. i don’t really want to go, since i think he really does not like me sincerely. but also i should go, since he so kindly endured me living with him in his last days at that uni. b. and me will go together at 8pm after the biweekly lecture his center hosts and the obligatory visit to the fancy restsaurant/club i went with is. that one time (thursday two weeks ago). 

i am now sitting in b.'s office at my desk, we had a good talk about how the next weeks will look like. we amongst other things talked about visiting the two other ivy league unis in new england together. one for touristic reasons, the other for him to meet two professors he wants to talk to. hopefully, we'll do that. i am looking forward and am happy.

in the corner of my eye

f. left back to his home country in the morning. the day before, b. and me had been invited to his farewell party, but b. decided to ditch it when realising one had to pay entrance fee for the pub he was celebrating in, lol.

i was not in the mood anyways, so i was happy to be unsocial.

i had waited until f. had left, b. had this kind of goodbye-talk with him, they have been suitemates for half a year, so that was rather appropriate of him to do. then he helped him get his luggage out and i was just so happy not having to sleep on the floor anymore.

b. came back shortly after and together we examined the things f. had left in the apartment, since he could not take everything. and he left so much! so much food and toiletries and even some expensive cloths. we were like vultures really.

b. left for the office, i decided to settle in my newly gained own room, bake some of the things f. had left, eat, watch clips on youtube and then i evnetually fall asleep until 4pm.

i got ready slowly but excitedly, looking forward to the evening, when js. and me had arranged to meet for dinner. i left the dorm at around 5:30 and went in the direction of where he lives for a stroll through the rain, realising i had actually never walked that one street consciously, i found myself in an unexpected adventure. i discovered that book "store" and community space, in which everything is just for free. i was stunned by the almost eerie, otherworldy energy that place radiated. i eventually found that book by ernst cassirer and continuied my walk to a café that is open until 10pm that i had walked past once. entering that warm, cozy and shared space that would still serve coffee at that time felt like a safe haven.

i sat by the window and read until js. kindly picked me up. he drove us to the middle eastern place, he had suggested to go. i was excited, the place was well decorated, persian carpets and swords on the wall, playing old arabic music. delightful. we ate and talked well, i was happy, he was smiliing.

afterwards i proposed to finally show him the place i had lived in the past weeks. b. was out the whole evening and had given me the key. after we had arrived, first thing we did was to go to the upstairs office space to make tea, since f. had taken the boiler with him... we sat down in our living room space, drinking tea, talking, showing each other music. as always, sometimes it was quiet, a bit akward. i stared into the nothingness, he stared at me. i saw his eyes on me in the corner of my eye. he had introduced that very well fitting song to me earlier. the last thing i remember was me cheekily asking him whether sometimes things get dirty around him (i don't know what exactly i was referring to, but it made reference to the conversation we had before). i did not look at him saying that, just staring. he finally got the courage, took the hint (of that i had been dropping just so many), took me and kissed me.

it was the first time we made out that was not somwhere outside or inside of a car. of course both of us had been plotting what was coming next.

i liked the sex with him, he was gentle, very attentive and appreciative. i think a bit nervous. but i felt safe and very attracted to him. even more, when i had discovered his tattoo when undressing him: a black square on his left arm. i did not expect him to have a tattoo and that was just the cherry on the top for me. what were the odds that i meet this guy on the dating app that is literally all i feel to have ever wanted. i could not stop telling him how handsome he was, how i could not stop staring at him, how i loved sucking his dick really, just what a good man he really was. his green eyes were sparkling, just such a loving glance. can't i marry him already?!

no but seriously, i know just like two weeks ago i had written about how i am going to enjoy myself here, how i am going to meet people, have shallow fun, exploit some rich guys, and in the end knew that i'd be alone but how i should learn how to cope with that... having met him now, i am thinking what is it all for in the end. i am sick of meeting people already. introducing myself, trying to vibe, acting all nice and trying not to be too annoyed by dull or stupid guys. what for? i am considering voluntary celibacy at this point. i am not joking. on the one hand i love getting to know people, getting to know their lore, their favourite movies, songs and books. and whatnot. on the other hand, i fall in love so easily. i cannot endure that pain anymore. i have two situationships at home, which are fucking up my emotions enough already. i begin to believe casual sex is really not possible with me. js. is the first and only person i had ever had sex with on this continent with, actually the first and only even i had kissed here.

him being so absolutely lost in his life, which he admits to himself, i dream of just taking him to europe with me (he had never even visited europe once!! it is about time!)... he told me how he considers moving to new york like some of his friends. i asked him why. he said "just because". he did also admit that all of his friends (the ones that are not extremly rich) actually also are incredibly miserable in that city. he said he just wants to live in a walkable city. i had told him how i knew plenty of amazing walkable cosmopolitan cities in europe he would fit in just so well. he would definitely find a job somewhere as well: he has a degree, speaks two languages, worked as a paralegal, is a young charming man. seriously, he should not have a problem settleing in europe AT ALL. and there is not much keeping him here either...

i have four weeks left of influencing his decisions. if within those four weeks he proposed to me, i would say yes. lol (i don't mean it the lol way, i am dead serious)... but let's stop with that self centeredness of mine: i really want him to be happy in his life. i want him to maybe one day look back on that intensive time that we are spending together right now and see it as the start of a new chapter of his life. starting new, discovering what is out there. finally finding himself. he just has no idea what is waiting for him.

well, today and tomorrow we did not and will not meet. maybe on monday. i spent all day at home today, though i wanted to go to the city. but weather was just soo shit and i had a headache. tomorrow i will move into that wonderful apartment that will be all mine for two weeks, pet-sitting that lovely dog.

the sun, the hills

they day had started in a rush. b. only arrived home around 5am, i attempted to stay awake until the "real morning", but eventually fell asleep around 7.

woke up at 10:15, too late! i was supposed to be there between 9 and 10! i threw my make-up, toothbrush and some cloths into a backpack and rushed from the dorm to my new apartment. she'd only have thirty minutes more service, her flight to aruba would depart soon. but i made it. i called her asking her for the code for the spare key. i am looking after her dog for about two weeks now. her apartment, mid-century furniture, books as decoration everywhere, carefully placed, many ambient lights. it looks as if it was designed professionally, just too well, too put together. and she lives here alone! is this how a real grown up that has her life together lives like? it does seem so. thinking about it, i have never even been in an apartment like this before. and i have been in many during my years couchsurfing. well, i guess i have just never been in a real single american millenial middle class young urban professional woman's - how do i even put all those descriptions behind each other correctly?! well, apparently she's just a powerwoman.

but here i am now and there i was. i grabbed the dog immediately and out we were for our walk. i first discovered the immediate neighbourhood. very wealthy, very tranquil. it was warm. the streets quiet, only one dude blasting that famous song thematising the sun, i forgotten which of it it was, but it was a mood. he was living the moment. the dog waddling next to me loyal and unbothered as he is. blissful moment.

we went café-hopping together, at the first café i bought my lunch, read a bit and tried to charge my phone which was unsuccessful. at the second i tried again and had coffee. i used the wifi, the dog was bored. the walk to the third café was the most enjoyable, through my favourite neighbourhood. many young people, many scholars i knew on the streets. crocuses blooming, skies blue. i got a cold chai, the dog waited outside for me. people were gathering there, this was the place to be today. got back, drank my chai, had brought water for the dog as well, contuied reading "the essay on man". just an amazing afternoon.

we ended up walking more than five hours, i had taken him back home, fed him, charged my phone and got ready to go back downtown for dinner again. i wanted to go to a specific dining hall, but turned out they were exclusive today. went to that gyro place instead and ate it somewhere on campus. rather disappointing dinner. rode the bike back home.

i spent a lot of time sitting around, being lost, losing and forgetting my things in this flat that is too big to be living in alone. walking clueless from one room to another. going for a bath to ground myself. i love baths, it was the first, since when actually? i cannot even recall.

when i was done with all of that, it was just 6pm. i felt locked in. like the rapunzel in her tower. i seemingly have it all now, well, at least i can very well pretend for some time that this was actually mine. but where does it get me if i sit on this sofa all alone? not even able to go outside, because just next street it's too dangerous for me to be out at night alone. i don't know how i will manage the next times, i have to take care of the dog certainly, and am also happy about being able to enjoy a certain degree of independence. but also really don't want to have to be home everyday by the time it gets dark.

the only solution for that problem would be having a car. well, i cannot even drive. this whole situation once again made me realise the structural differences between the US and Europe, and this region and especially this city here are actually the most walkable and well connected of this whole country. here it feels you can only be mobile if you have money, not just your physical body, but your soul. without being able to physically move, how can you ever get to know a variety of people and influences. this is not diversity, inclusion or integration. obviously this is not a new discovery. just for me it is somewhat of the first time actually experiencing it. even though i did live in less nice areas before in my life, i was alwasy able to travel out of them easily and also always leave the house at night without worrying too much. what a sad life here. how lucky i am to be born european and more or less well off. how lucky i am to live in a country where education is actually affordable. i forget that sometimes.

being locked in here i have time and space to care for and about me. read, write, finally do some work for the organisation i am chairing, or watch movies. of course, out of all, i have been doing the latter eversince finding myself lost. i watched "greener grass": absurd, funny, sad. then "fremont": incredible, sad, touching, especially since i am learning farsi and have worked in this resettlement organisation in this city here with many afghani refugees. and now i am watching "me, and you and everyone we know": perverted, strange, but real.

oh how much i wish i was not alone living here. i wish js. was here. and would just play pretend with me. he worked today, did not text me once. when yesterday i asked him about going for dinner with me, he denied. i went out alone and felt miserable. but yes, i should really stop hyperfocusing on one person. it's not healthy.

but yeah... i have tomorrow to look forward to. good weather, an interesting talk in the afternoon. another day to improve myself and actually respond to the people i have been ignoring for months.

the gost town

i'm back with b. from now on. very happy to have my own room, though no own key, meaning i have to compromise with b.'s weird daily rhythms. anyway, i am not paying rent, so i shall be fine with that for my remaining weeks.

it's spring break now, making this town a real ghost town. colleges are closed, meaning no big lunches, brunches or dinners for me for some time. i'll probably just get a bagel everyday, which is fair enough and something i do look forward to. also, i am hoping to help in the ngo i did my internship at last summer. i haven't followed up on my mail i sent more than a month ago, but i will do that first thing tomorrow. also, i wanna go to boston and new york soon. i wanna visit that online friend that lives an hour away and want to ride the bike as much as possible. my efforts of getting an illegal job for the short time that i am here were in vain unfortunately. a pity. but yeah, hopefully i will finally make myself be productive for once. will make me answer those 20 people whose messages i have been ignoring for too long. which i hate myself for and every day that passes my situation gets worse but i just cannot help it. how i hate this habit of mine. i took melatonin, 10mg, which i hope helps me sleep somehow.

today was just a horrible day that started with a bad dream, making me wake up at 2pm... then everything being closed, streets empty, skies rainy and grey. me in bad moods, fights with b. and my phone being unresponsive for hours. it only has to survive 20 more days until i get back home and finally recieve that new phone... hoping for a better day tomorrow.

swedish cars and an american boy

woke up very late, and also today was the start of daylight savings, making it even later. stayed inside of the dorm until 3pm. texted js.

and we went to my favourite café together and had bagels. wrote some mails&contacted the organisation i want to help out at in spring break, that was good. then we went on a long walk. it lasted the whole afternoon. it was chill, most of the time we did not talk. his hair looked very 50s like, the wind today having given him that cool blow-out. he looked so fine. he walks like those old asian men, hands behind his back glancing around, too sweet. pictured above is a nice saab i spotted, it fits its owners' house, we just call it "the yellow house". also there is me between two volvos. they definitely belong to the same person, and that person is just as obsessed with volvos as i am, i know that without knowing the person. when i first spotted them last summer, i got so happy and every day i went to the internship i saw them twice. i liked my outfit today, i was wearing that jacket i got on saturday. it was a bit cold though. js. and me look good together, we would be an amazing couple. if we had children they'd be so pretty. what a dream it would be to have a dog, a volvo, a life with him. somewhere in europe though, not the us.

after the walk we went to the law school library to hang out, since we really don't have anywhere to go, just like highschoolers. we sat next to each other, talked quietly about the oscars. i admired him, asked to take pictures of him. asked him to show me pictures of his parents, to tell me more about his family. he told me about his uncle being a professor of literature at a small liberal arts college in new york. apparently he writes for the new yorker. he showed me some of his short stories that i will read soon before sleeping. one of those stories is inspired his father he said. that uncle is friends with jonathan franzen and donald antrim, to be honest i hadn't heard of them before, but that's just because i am an uneducated european lol. about his mother he told me that before going into the medical field she went to university to study the violin. how amazing, really.

well eventually we had to say goodbye to each other, b. and me had arranged to have dinner together around half past eight. js. and me stood outside of the law school for a few minutes, having our weird akward talks like we always do when all we actually want to do is just kiss each other. i kind of like our akward- and shyness. it's kind of cute. though sometimes wish we could be more casually intimate. but perhaps it's nice that kissing each other is still something special like that. whilst kissing he stopped to propose to take me to his home after i would have had dinner. i was so surprised about this. he lives with his mother and step-father! they would have seen me and he would have been fine with that. it flattered me. but i denied that invitation for today. but i am looking forward to soon staying at his place, probably getting to know his mother. well, today i want to sleep rather early. b. had cooked pasta alfredo for us, it was very good. i will take the cloths out the dryer now, then read the short stories by js.' uncle and then hopefully sleep soon. i want to go to new york tomorrow. i mean, i will do that if i actually manage to wake up rather early. i also invited js. to join me, but i feel like he won't. but let's see.

messy trip to the city

tuesday i woke up early, sun was out and i was ready to leave this town that slowly but surely grows too small for me.

so i felt that day at least. headlessly i went out without my charger and without eating anything. the latter made me stop at my favourite café for a short bagel intake. there i encountered that guy i always see everywhere, even recently in the pub, where he was sitting by the bar reading a damn book, so pretentious.

i took the train at around 11:30, had preloaded some of the short stories js.' uncle had written for the newyorker and had downloaded the online version of the weekly national newspaper of my country i try to read as often as possible. the two hour ride i enjoyed a lot listening to music, reading. i wouldn't have expected then that i'd actually enjoy the train ride more than my actual walks in the city... but yeah.

arriving at grand central, i headed to chelsea first. js. told me about some art galeries i should see. as i didn't have internet on my phone and also decreasingly less charge, i had to freestyle navigate which meant lots of detours. but that's what i was there for anyways. just walking and walking. walking, i felt numb. the sounds of the city were strangely far away. my body turned into auto-mode, i was only observing what was happening, but was not at control. i didn't really care if some car would hit me crossing a street, for some good reason it just didn't happen.

after chealsea i meant to head towards brooklyn, took the subway for like two stops to south ferry and from there attempted to reach the subway that crosses the manhattan bridge. doing so, i got lost somewhere in china town, the not so touristy part. i found myself on some kind of market next to the highway, where i was really the only white person, the rest being mostly chinese old people.

eventually i did manage to make it to brooklyn heights. which had been my goal all day actually. i just wanted to walk there and listen to music, pretend to be living there. but at that point my phone was almost dead. i tried to find a cool independent coffee shop but walking around i for some reason did only see starbucks. at that point it was like 5pm i was exhausted, annoyed and hungry, which made me get a cheese sourdough right there. i was sick of my stupid trip, since i hadn't really encountered anything particularly interesting and was sick of my phone being so broken. i had actually borrowed the starbuck's barrista's charger, but my phone just wouldn't charge even. it freaked me out. also, i had a fight with b. about his evening plans. he didn't tell me he would only be back sometime in the night, which for me meant i could not get back home until he does. i was left with no charge and nowhere to go. looking back i could have just stayed in the city somewhere and done something fun whatever. at that time i just wanted to go back home. and in that moment the only person i could rely on was js. i texted him and we arranged to meet at 9pm at the town's station.

actually i don't even know how i made it back home so well on time. i had only been to new york a couple times (like 4 times maybe) and was really lucky to instantly find the gate of the train back home. additionally to that i had a very mild tempered ticket control person accepting my screenshot of my ticket that i had sent from my phone to my laptop. on the way back i read the newspaper, all kinds of articles about how bad my country's politicans are, how unwell we are treating young academics, about how disabled people have sex.

sleeping in and walking the shore

so on tuesday at 9pm he picked me up from the station after coming back from my exhausting day trip to the city.

having had discovered all cool bars together already in the past weeks in our desperate need to find spots to hangout at, not having any space truly for us, we decided to now give smaller, less trendy pubs a chance. the ones the actual alcoholics would go i guess. that's what we hoped for at least. the first pub i remembered to be chill from last september when some lady i befriended took me there, was closed for no apparent reason. well, probably due to spring break, still it wasn't really a college pub.

anyway, we found another one not too far. it was both restaurant and pub, just that there were only two other customers sitting at the bar. the bouncer apparently wasn't expecting anymore people to come in. the two girls working at the bar were surprisingly young and beautiful. in my country no girls that pretty would work in such pub really. it would be older ladies, but no girls like that. they were having fun, joking around, obviously they really liked working there and fucking around with the customers and each other. one of them was brunette, tall and her body was that cat-walk model like and the other was small, blonde, cute but in a party-girl kinda way, not an innocent way. i liked watching their dynamics a lot. they made me want to make a movie about them. somehow the embodied carefreeness and recklessness of young adult's lives. sitting there i did feel a bit uncomfortable though, knowing that at some point soon they want to close the pub. also, though it really wasn't loud there at all, i could never really understand what js. was saying. he just speaks in such calm way and dark toned voice that in some environments his somewhat voice drowns. and then i feel akward asking him to repeat himself. english not being my mother tongue definitely does not help in those situations.

the second pub was more crowded, i even recognised one of the girls in there: she works at my favourite thrift store here. i drank gin&tonics, he beers. the barkeeper had long hair that was styled in a way that he looked like a 10 year old well behaved girl. i voiced my observation. js. then told me about how he would also get mistaken for a girl when he was a teenager having had long hair. i made him show me a picture of course. he was cute. a cute nerd. funnily enough, i would get mistaken for a boy sometimes when i was a preteen deciding at some point i wanted to have short hair. at that time i was very offended by that, also i got bullied for it kinda. in school i was just an outcast from the beginning on, lol. i was annoyed by all the girls in my class (i was in an all girls class) only talking about boys, brands and social media even, when instagram was slowly becoming a thing. before attending secondary school, i did not know brands, nor social media. i cared deeply about my education and had a deep longing for knowledge. i loved school for school's sake, not for meeting people there. at that time i quickly decided to just be fed up with everybody and do my own thing, become a good student and be mean to whoever was mean to me. plus, most were actually impressed by me, so i was definitely lonely. looking back i know that i had turned bitter early on. which is a shame, because i never really was able to give people a chance to befriend me. i was just too lonely and had very high expectations on myself and others. i mean - shouldn't i have had that? probably neither that. i should have just focused even more on education and reading. instead i numbed myself with shallow media and social media i would soon discover more. most likely out of curiosity to understand what the people i despised talk about and think like. but why even try to understand them better if i could just focus on myself? i guess i still have not mastered that - enough of that diversion for now.

i was kinda drunk. we went back to the car, i put on music of playlists of long past months. i couldn't believe that js. had not heard of stromae before! i put on alors on danse which i love listening to when intoxicated or in general just in a weird mode of experiencing ecstasy in mundaness. it felt like an honour introducing him to this guy. maybe certain european music has just not made it overseas?! whatever though, we made out. how i love making out with him drunkenly listening to music in his car. (i definitely said that before lol).

it was around 2am when we got hungry. i had never had popeyes, so we went there. it was good. he got me something a bit spicy, which i complained about (i liked it though). so he got me some kind of minty milkshake from mcdonalds. how consumerist we are. but i like consuming things with him, especially things i have not tried before.

so it was in the middle of the night and my phone and laptop had died, so i could not communicate with b. to get inside the dorm. i was drunk and tired. at that point js. had invited me to his place for the first time. he lives with his mother and his stepfather in that wonderful neighbourhood in a beautifully old new english house. the first thing i noticed was the smell of incense sticks. we went up his room. it was like a bed was put in the middle of an antique store. his wooden furniture, the piles of books, his two guitars and then his bed, a fairly small room, but it did not need more than that. seeing this amazingly aesthetic and minimalist room he lived in made me crush him even more. it could literally just be my own room.

his bed was comfy, looking him into his eyes when he came was truly the highlight of my day. it gives me endless pleasure knowing he gets satisfied. falling asleep next to him naked was the best way to end the day (perhaps any day really), it was around 6am at that point.

and so was waking up in his arms at 2pm. with the first thing to happen that day was to have sex of course. we showered, got ready slowly. he proposed having brunch at a diner, since i had never been to one before. and so we went to this amazingly vintage chrome styled diner that played very fitting music. we were living the life. it was 3pm, i was having french toast, he had eggs and the nice girl that served us would keep refilling coffee into our mugs. amazing.

afterwards he drove us to the shore. first a small park that was a naturally protected area for birds (an audubon park). we walked on the beach on endless shells sometimes commenting on the birds' behaviour. then, we went to a bigger more crowded park. at that time, sun was already setting again. i asked to take pictures of him, mostly with his phone though. he is so handsome. in my opinion he should be the main character of a movie. i just cannot stop taking pictures of him and complementing him. i am not sure whether he actually believes my words though.

one moment, shortly after i took that left picture of him on my phone, when we were walking back on the beach, he was walking left to me the sun being right behind him, it was really like in a movie. he glanced at me, i kept turning to him, but was too shy. i behaved in akward ways not being able to express how much i just wanted to kiss him. probably he was feeling the same, so he just asked "what?!" in a mocking way, in a way that he knows exactly what i wanted. i mocked that silly "what?!" and stopped walking. i looked at him briefly how he was glancing at me in the sun and then we finally kissed. we do not kiss much outside of his car i realised. it was kind of like admitting that we could imagine being actual partners, not just fuckbuddies. though we already did everything together that actual partners would do anyways, but that just solidified that.

it was dreamy walking there, breathing the fresh and clean air, for the people approaching us together we must have looked like a proper couple. i tried losing myself in the moment, pretending that this was just my life. that i could just tell him how much i loved him and it not being weird, too early or too delusional.

by the time we were back in the car, the sun was already almost gone and we were hungry again. i made him choose whatever he was into. really, the only thing that actually ever counts for me is just being with him. he looked up a cute mexican place next to a busy street. it was decorated so sweet and dreamy, many colours, many fairy lights. we sat next to each other, i had enchiladas with mole sauce - needless to say i had never had that before. mexican food is not a big thing in my country. but i actually discovered similiarities in the spices to my mother's food. it tasted just like home, though home was far away from the us or mexico (geographically and culturally speaking). the girls serving us again were so sweet, attentive and nice. i am very amazed by the service here. at some point there was a power failure. we were the only ones in the restaurant, the girls were giggling and a lady who was probably the owner of the restaurant and their mother called somebody to recieve instructions to fix it, which took like 10 minutes of us sitting in the darkness. which was a really sweet experience though. having dinner we had talked about interesting topics such as religious beliefs, philosophical approaches people take in life or do decide against, more precisly how certain social milieus follow certain ideologies and how that behaves different in both our countries, masculinity and feminity. i admitted to him how i feel like i was much more independent being 11 or 12, but turned into that bitch seeking male attention and urge to submit and satisfy men during puberty. having gone through my hoe face quite much already i also admitted to him how i often surprise myself by my wish to just bind myself to one man, settle, have kids and everything that grown-ups do being 21 fucking years old. surely and hopefully this is not what will happen within the next years, since i do very much want to have a career and an exciting life before having children, but that deep urge to serve one man completely and be endlessly loyal and obidient does surprise me a lot about myself. of course admitting that so openly to him my only goal was to be very clear about how he is exactly that guy i would want all of that with. it would be too damn melodramatic of mine to confess my love and will to marry him any more directly, so i really really hope he got my kind of obvious hints.

after dinner it was about 9pm, we headed back to the town, but we didn't want to say goodbye to each other. so we did what we do so often: going to the standard bars. i had wine, he beer. the first bar was that speakeasy, but soon we changed to my favourite bar, the cigar lounge we had been together several times before. apparently the fist time we went it was a wednesday as well, since the jazz band that played was the same as then, so he observed. we sat down right in front of them. not talking, just listening, inhaling the smoke. so we did for about two hours. i just wished he had placed his hand on my knee or something, something that indicates his possession of me. not to sound arrogant, but i know i am a pretty girl and especially in spaces like these where most people around me are (middle-aged) men i know that much attention lies on me. i don't really care, but i do like to show that i am not available. i guess, it has to do with protection. i want those men to see that i am protected by the man i belong to (somehow does not seem to feminist lol (jokes aside, since we all know that exactly embracing my female wishes and cravings is something inherently feminist. of course, one does not have to always be strong and independent in order to be progressive and emancipated)) i only have two weeks left here, maybe i will be able to soon voice my wishes to him more clearly. though it would feel rather silly of starting to act like a real couple together in public just shortly before i leave the continent. but no, it is not too late, just simply bitter-sweet.

that night, yesterday, again we went home to his place, had sex, fell asleep naked. the only downside: i had not properly brushed my teeth, nor washed my long hair that by then behaved more like a wild animal on my head in two days. it made me less able to enjoy myself and let myself go.

again today morning we first of all had slow morning sex that i very appreciate. we had woken up around 8:30 and left the house at 10am. whilst he was showering, i was starting to read a book by thomas merton and drinking the coffee his stepfather had made. i by the way had not encountered his mother or stepfather. i do hope they realised he had somebody over. i like leaving traces.

he drove me to the dorm before he headed to work. on the way he played a song for me he really wanted to show me the day before in the bar. it was hope i don't fall i love with you... was that his way of hinting to me?! i sure hope it was. i could relate to the lyrics 100% and it was the perfect song for the end of our dreamy two days together that we certainly did not expect to turn out that way. in the pub i had told him about how several artsy and cool people i admire have one thing in common: liking tom waits. some years ago in school when a story we read started with a quote of his i had first encountered him and looked him up but found his music absolutely horrible. for me it was just a drunk guy complaining and whining. no better than homeless men on the street i don't know, i could never understand the hype. only when recently a song of his was used in a play my theatre performed i decided to again give him a shot. i had also discovered another song of his in some playlist of a. and now i am more curious and open to give him a chance. maybe he is just what lana del rey is to hopeless romantic girlies with daddy issues like me, to quarter/mid-life crisis lonely, broken, maybe drug addict guys, which in that case i would very much respect.

well, today i firstly took care of my body in order to feel fresh and neat again. i did very much feel like a dirty used bitch like that the past two days. then i attempted to start writing things down, but got distracted. i did sit in the sun at this gentrified café in the nice neighbourhood. y. had texted me after some time again, he was just on his way back from his first trip to amsterdam, which he had mixed feelings about. but he mostly told me about how he had done that famous bdsm test and was curious about my result. so sitting in the sun i did the test and turns out i am 100% a brat, a masochist and submissive lol. i am not surprised.

i was wearing a cute outfit, getting looks, riding the bike in the sun, feeling like myself again. i sent js. a translation of a book that i have a special emotional connection to. it's a collection of melancholic short stories. in one of those short stories that quote by tom waits gets used, that's how i encountered him back in school. unfortunately i could not find anywhere to illegally download the translation, so i had to buy him the ebook for eleven dollars on barnes&noble. i sent it to his mail as a gift. i very much believe he will like this author's way of story telling, especially because it reminds me of his uncle's style of writing. we have not talked much today via chat, i had only thanked him for his time and company and later asked for his mail address. i am not sure whether he actually already recieved or noticed my special gift to him in his mailbox. but i hope that tomorrow, ideally, we sit in a café together, i read more of his uncle's short stories, he reads those short stories and in between we take breaks to discuss them. let's see :)

a "manic pixie dream girl"

i had what felt like an aha moment today when js. was over at the dorm.

we were sitting at the small elevated dining table in the living room area of the suite drinking tea in a break between sex, when i was showing him music of yann tiersen. he had composed the music for the movie amelie, which is one of my favourite. for some weird reason js. had not seen the movie before!! and i could not get over that fact. so since we didn't really have time or space to watch the movie, i at least wanted to show him the music. whilst listenting to evening party i explained to js. how i can relate to amelie a lot, how i like her a lot and how she is kind of crazy though. to this he said "so she is basically a mpdg?!". i had not heard that term before and made him explain it to me. and i said "oh so that's what i am like to...", there he already interrupted me agreeing. though i still added "to b.". that moment was a bit akward because i had not considered being that for js. as well, but apparently he does think so, which kind of flatters me, especially the "dream" part of it. but yeah, i particularly thought about the dynamic between b. and me in this regard. i am b.'s little silly distraction, his little sunshine - he said so himself just today.

on the one hand i am happily living my current silly, dreamy, avoidand and delusional episode, especially knowing that there are guys that like me in their lives that fulfill my sexual needs (here js. and back home y.) and that stimulate me intellectually (here b., and js. and back home y.). on the other hand - and that is more important and serious - it is kind of sad to apparently only being that. i read this article criticising the concept of a mpdg. it made me think: am i reducing myself to a mpdg just because i enjoy being silly? am i wasting my capabilities? have i internalised my silliness and urge for romantisation so much that i have lost control about actually being responsible and independent? ...

to a certain extent that might actually be true. i guess it really is a coping strategy and to be honest i cannot imagine my life without romanticising. i love being silly, i love being melodramatic, being quirky and weird - however pick me that might sound. i feel like i can see the claim of misogyny that is made about the concept of mpdgs. the fact that they only exist for the purpose of being the love interest for some man.

but in the end i personally like to believe that it is me who just uses the men. (which of course also is rather bad). i do believe that i am still in power. i feel like i am dancing between the guys, feeling myself, feeling them, enjoying the advantages that come with knowing some, being happy, making people happy. where is the downside?

is that a fallacy? perhaps i should sometimes really take more time to just concentrate on myself, be less enjoying and more hard working - that is very much true. in order to strive and make progress in life.

but who says that it's not me who is the main character in this? i can be a manic pixie girl for myself because that's just who i am. i should though somehow get my hyper fixation with men under control i guess lol.

thinking about it further actually: i am independent. i am relativly accomplished already. i am definitely not shallow and very multifaceted. i am also hard working and can be disciplined. though i like sometimes being silly and carefree. what am i worrying about, this is just how i am living life. i am young. as long as i don't do serious harm to myself or others, this should be fine. living like this i have explored much already: pretty much of the world already, the arts, academic discourses, involved myself in all kinds of conferences, discussions or even jobs. i am just dancing through life - i shall be fine.

accidents

i stayed awake until 9am yesterday, attempting to make it to 11am when i intended to go to that monthly bin sale at my favourite thrift shop here. - of course, i did not make it.

i woke up for a short time at 10:45am disappointed in myself but also too lazy to get ready within those few minutes. i kept sleeping until sometime in the afternoon.

eventually i went for my daily bagel-intake at my favourite café. i devoured it in the one cozy spot of the café that is far from the other, in that room that they sell the books in. they're called book trader and are kinda legendarily famous around here and certain academics. i was as happy as i could get, especially since they again played great music: some that i remember was the areoplane over the sea, a sunday smile and drunk in la, the latter i heard for the first time. sitting by the window, next to piles of books two books caught my eye: how to talk to strangers by malcolm gladwell and the undiscovered chekhov, the latter i ended up buying, being somewhat of a chekhov stan now: having audited a class on him here, having encountered the professor, john mackay, several times in the past days during springbreak and in the end having been urged to read his stories by that actor at the theatre i am working at back home, the one that got voted best actor of my state last year.

however, i was chatting with js. and he proposed meeting up at the thrift store. he had looked up their times of opening, very considerate, because he knew i was so disappointed of having overslept the bin sale. we had agreed to meet there at 5:30, i left the café a bit late and tried to make up the time by riding the bike fast... here in the us of course bike lanes infamously are not as great as in europe so i have to ride on the sidewalk from time to time. and that day it finally happened:

i crashed! there is a dining hall, the schwarzman center, that is still operating in spring break and some of the staff was exiting the building which i saw too late. nobody but me got hurt though. and it wasn't too bad. the shock was the worst. and i was so disappointed of myself again for not having been more careful - i am not insured here! i quickly checked if my laptop got damaged and when everythign seemed fine and i had excused to the staff i quickly continued riding.

just two minutes later i already met js. i was actually still very much in shock, shivering, blood on my hands and knees. he helped me sort myself, even provided me with bandaids he always carried in his purse! i washed my hands at the thrift store, put them on and started digging through the bins. but as i had already expected all cool stuff was already gone. so i proposed just going for a walk in east rock, which we did. we went to that sweet very gentrified yuppi café, i got a chai and we sat outside on their bench enjoying the last bits of sunshine until there were no more. js. looked just like in a movie, i again asked to take pictures of him. he was wearing a green cashmere pullover. matching his eyes so well.

he proposed parking my bike at his place, taking his car and going for dinner somewhere. and i knew exactly where! that arabic place downtown that also sells pizza, i knew of it because the ngo i interned in last year ordered from them frequently. we went there, ordered chicken shawarma and kibbeh, which came with rice, hummus and baba ghanoush and was just perfect. best arabic food i ever had in a restaurant. we sat there for like two hours. eating slowly, talking. i talked about my childhood trauma and my crushes when i was a teenager. i asked him whether he has any "daily crushes" which he denied. for me, those daily crushes really are what keeps me going, which keep me going to uni, keep me going to work. it's really just that lol.

we shortly went to the dorm for me to pick up the key from b. who would go out with his friends. then, we went to that speakeasy, a wine for me, gin&tonic for him. it was kind of boring, by now we have been there plenty of times and that day we had not much to talk about anymore. i mean, i had already shared so much with him, that i begin to feel a bit weird. since he almost never initiates talks, i got used to simply thinking out loud. and maybe i have shared too much? i am kind of getting scared. it was never good to share too much with the guys i dated, since at some point they would use the things i trusted them with against me. even the most mature and well behaved people, like b., did it. since i got bored, i proposed going to the dorm, i called it "home". which js. liked. he repeated my words saying "yes, please take me home with you". sweet. when we were about to leave one of my favourite songs started to play and i made us wait until it was over. n., an ex, had shown it to me early on when we started dating. we were living in that crazy living situation where we only had to pay 200 euros of rent being "house guards" for a building that otherwise would be abandoned. we were not living alone though, in total we were about 30 when i moved in in september 2021. the building complex was huge and people were of all different kinds. i was the youngest, one person was an architect, one a graphic designer, one a 55 year old engineer, one a teacher, another one a self proclaimed witch, another one a rapper. n. and me were the only students. it was an unforgettable time. only 3 months though. that time i listened to that song every day on repeat, imagining n. as johnny and me as mary. - end of diversion.

so js. and me went home. i made tea, as always. this time though i kissed him earlier, before having any akward talks that would hide the fact that we really only got home to fuck. we kissed passionately and soon would end up in bed. this time the desk lamp was on. i normally feel a bit shy when too direct light is on but yesterday i realised we should do that more often - more often in this only very limited time that i still have left. why so? because he is just so incredibly beautiful. he put off his glasses and i looked him in his eyes with awe. i was literally about to cry which i had never done during sex. about to cry because i felt thankful of being able to be intimate with him in that moment. i had in mind my soon departure and that our lives will diverge in very different ways. and also, i think i had never had sex with a person i found that attractive and overall nice. i really only wanted to tell him how i loved him. which i did not do because perhaps it's too melodramatic to say but that's how i felt.

when cuddling inbetween sex i actually had a first look at my newly gained bruises which kinda look cool. i talked a bit more about my crash and afterwards asked him whether he was an accident. lol i really think i am hilarious. he said he was intentional, but his brother was an accident. same with me though, and same with my sister. the whole moment was even more ridiculous considering we by now are having unprotected sex only. yes, i know irresponsible. but it feels good with him. whatever. pray for me eh.

several rounds of sex and cuddling later it was about 3am, b. was still not back home and i was awaiting his message. js. was laying in my bed when i got b.'s message that he now was in front of the door waiting for me to open it! what a timing! i had always asked b. to tell me in advance when he would come and now js. had to rush to get ready and i had to try to hide him going out. he used the front exit, when b. waited in the back exit. still... b. saw him exiting. he got furious and told me how i had broken all his trust and how he would never give me the key again. i did not say anything and only went to sleep with a bad consciousness. (eventually i excused).

well, b. and me are not in a relationship anymore. yes, we were in one for about 1.5 years, but we never officially got back. b. knew i was dating people, he knows about y. and he knows about js. as well. why would i not bring js. here when i am alone the whole day?! sure, i never wanted b. to know that we have sex in the flat he lives in. i get that it's kinda tasteless and probably pretty disrespectful. but be for real once! i am a young horny lonely girl. b. knows that and he was never able to fulfil my needs at all. which led me to be extremly unhappy and frustrated. b. even talked about how i should pack my things and leave in the morning. obviously i have nowhere else to stay in this country!

me feeling extremly bad, very irresponsible and like a complete fuck up, i tried to lose myself in sleep, which i did until 4pm today. when i woke up b. arrived home from office. he was on the phone with his sister and talked in his language. when he ended his call he very firmly and paternally informed me about the consequences of my actions: he meant to not give the key to me again, but his sister made him forgive me my mistake. though he underlined that it would be "my last chance" ever. well, i found that a very mature decision. in the end i really needed the key, which he understood, for practical reasons. because again today he went out with friends until late night. i had ate bread with yoghurt and went out for a walk to get my bike from js.' place. on my walk i encountered a very cool couple: the woman was sitting on the drivers seat of a black volvo 240 sedan that was parked close to the book trader, the man was about to load a green road into the trunk of the car. both of them were about 60. real old school hipsters. i had stopped very excitedly telling the man how cool i found their car. we had a short conversation about volvos and i was left with joy. i hope that one day i become as cool as them and have a partner equally cool. i guess this was really the highlight of my day lol.

the rest of the day i spent at home listening to music, cleaning the flat and taking care of my hair that had looked like a wild animal again. that always happens after sex with js. i wish he wouldn't make a mess out of it that way. i mean, i love my hair being played with or being grabbde by it, but there are ways to do it whilst also not destroying it completely lol.

a few hours ago i had a realisation and moment of panick rose in me: i only have 12 days left here! i have to make the best out of them. i texted js. asking whether he would be down for a road trip and if so where he would want to go, proposing that i plan the trip and find somewhere for us to stay on couchsurfing. and of course, he is down! we will hopefully talk about those plans in more detail tomorrow but our idea so far is to go to vermont. i myself will also go on a trip to boston soon, but will do so most likely by myself.

hopefully i will wake up early tomorrow. for that to happen i go to sleep now, it's 3:15am lol.

what happened with you and b? and how did you meet js? do you feel comfortable sharing where you’re from in europe and what language does b speak??

sorry lots of questions i love your way of writing it’s very captivating

thanks a lot! and thanks for the questions. :) my answers:

i prefer not to share our nationalities. perhaps i can say he was not born in europe, but asia. b. and me are friends and have a deep love for each other i think. we recently had quite a big fight, but i am still living with him in america before i go back to europe next week. everything seems to be back to normal regarding our dynamic though.

i met js. through bumble :). his profile was rather boring, i initially found it even shallow, since he only put pictures of himself and almost no info. i swiped right on him because he reminded me of ian curtis somewhat. i did not expect us to match. when we started texting i realised he is intelligent and interesting by the way he expresses himself. our first dates i actually did not enjoy at all. he was so quiet, i found it boring. i am endlessly happy that i decided to keep seeing him though. he is a treasure. and we spent the last month together, seeing each other every other if not even every day. tomorrow we will go on a road trip together. it was my idea, because i was panicking that i will have left the continent next weekend. i will miss js a lot. there is a big hope in me that he will come visit me in europe eventually.

ups&downs

it must have been wednesday morning that i had an interview scheduled for writing for a news startup of the town i live in back home.

it went wonderfully well and once i am back home, i will get to know the team and start writing weekly columns. people seem friendly and ambitious. having that little side hustle next to my job in the theatre next to studying is really nice. if i now also worked in my favourite arthouse cinema, i'd be living my ultimate cultural dream.

js. and me met shortly to do errands together, we went to aldi and savers. i finally found the shoes of my dreams. brown low rise boots. i hadn't owned proper shoes (with laces and stuff) that actually keep your feet warm and dry for ages. i was always only wearing flats, sneakers or loafers. i am absolutely in love with them and they only cost me 20 dollars. another plus: js. owns shoes that look pretty similar.

that evening i really wanted to go to the cigar lounge with b. to show him my favourite local jazz band here. we went inside, he did not take his id and ended up not getting let in. and he is closer to 40 that to 30! i was angry at him for not thinking about taking his id, went home walking alone and when we both were home i was so angry that i pushed him onto the bed and hit his body a few times. not a big deal. he cried (though it was really not a bad hit). he cried out of self pity. i was so disappointed. that night i should have been asleep rather early for my boston trip, but ended up almost not sleeping at all. my bus was set for 5am. of course, i missed it. i booked another bus at 9 and ate some dunkin donuts at the station. dd really saved me several times that thursday.

the bus was delayed, it was my first ever time travelling by bus in the us. i was though pleasantly surprised by the working wifi when it eventually arrived. i was sat next to a spanish speaking middle aged lady. i was a bit annoyed by her the most time, for no reason actually. during the bus ride i read burnout society by byung-chul han. js. had given it to me. during the last minutes of the ride the lady approached me regarding the stickers in arabic script on my laptop (it says "united nations volunteer") which had been laying in my lap. we ended up talking about the situation in gaza and how to approach topic with people that are not your opinion on it. we shared the view that one should not stop communicating or pursuing dialogue with one another. she seemingly was some kind of scholar, she shared with me how she was from morocco and was heading to boston for a conference. her talk was about ai in research and something else i've forgotten about. lovely lady though.

arriving to boston an hour delayed (technically 5 hours delayed since i missed the early morning bus) i put in the address of my host and tried figuring out how to get there. i had a funny dialogue with the train staff at the station who told me i did not need to buy tickets for the train. so i assumed public transport was for free in the whole city. okay. i was travelling with no internet and basically no phone because mine was so broken. when i arrived at the place where her flat was supposed to be, i could not find the house. i walked around like an idiot for half an hour, already on the verge of crying. a mexican man in a kiosk finally helped me to find out i was in the wrong part of the city, close to the zoo. i typed in the address on that nice man's phone again and it showed me how i needed to travel for another hour. i took two busses, the first of which i was the only white person.

so, again i arrived somewhere where i just could not find her apartment. the address she was supposed to live in was a bookstore. it was close to a broadway. it was 4 at that time, we had initially agreed to meet at 1... i was stressed, annoyed, overstimulated and extremly lost. dunkin donuts served with coffee&wifi leading me to realise i had again! travelled to the wrong part of the city. she was living in cambridge! which was another hour away.

my only escape i found in listening to what felt like main character music and reading short stories by ali smith that js. had given to me. i must have changed busses, trains and tram's almost ten times that day. several times i had missed my stops because i was so sunk into reading and dissociating. i was just too tired and exhausted for all of this shit. i enjoyed that messiness somehow though. i explored the city in a, well, somewhat different manner than usually. the sky was blue though, the stories captivating, and architecture soon began to look fancy as well.

finally at 5:30pm we met! she lived in somewhat what seemed like a dorm to me at first. a rather fancy building in a street with a fancy name very close to the universities. i was couchsurfing, as always. her profile had appeared very interesting. she wrote how filthy her apartment was, that she did not like men, that she is into cannibalism and amputee fetishes, and how much of an idiot she is. considering her address and the fact she had abbrivated her name, i had believed she must be a crazy and just very sarcastic academic. and that's why i wanted to stay at her place so badly.

she was a mad woman, for sure. just not an academic. though seemingly quite knowledgable. into science fiction, some weird conspiracy theories, independent movies, into very absurd and niche politcial topics she would be an activist for in a past life. she was in mental institutions twice, she said. burping aloud constantly. literally like rick. when heading out with her i did very much feel like little stupid morty by her side. her being very much autistic and excentric. her style was fascinating as well. somewhat of a gorpcore goth. and behold she was like at least 65, though on couchsurfing it said how she was 45, but never ever!! her madness, filthiness, obsession and extremly weird behaviours were fascinating, though sad. she was definitely not dumb, but just very very confused. i am not saying i was any less confused than her, but it seems she had wasted her life being insane.

i try to view the encounter with her as a warning. if i do not take care of myself and my mental health, i would once end up like her. and the only reason she is not homeless is because she lives in that apartment that her father owns. she does not have a job and i was not really able to figure out the things she is busy with these days. she does create digital collages that are quite cool, though. her sister seems to have her life in control somewhat more than her. she is a screenwriter and teaches at a community college in new york, she co-wrote "gabi on the roof in july", which had gained some popularity some years ago. my host kept comparing me to her sister from time to time. my red jumper was something her sister would like she said. or i'd have my shit together similarly to her, she said. i really do not think i have my shit together though.

that thursday evening we mostly spend talking. i tried to figure her out but it was hard. she rambled a lot. again, something that reminded me of myself. at some point i managed to escape though and went for a night walk around mas-av and harvard campus. nothing was open but an ice cream shop and mcdonalds. having ice cream at jp licks i spent bumbling around out of boredom. i liked matching with ivy league students or teachers, lol. i did end up chatting with one english dude who described himself as a mad scientist. red flag.

i went to mas-av's mcdonalds and it was an otherwordly experience. some young party people and some crackheads around they were playing classical music. it made me cry.

i came back at midnight. my host slept in her closet she had transformed into a cozy bed. kinda hilarious, kinda goals actually. i had told her how that would have been my childhood dream and if i was her i'd put some fairy lights inside... did i mention how she restricted me from using any electronics in her household? yeah, that had to do with her weirdness apparently. so when i came back home we just straight went to bed. i wasn't even allowed to read because she could see the light through the closet's doors. normally i fall asleep only after having consumed an unhealthy amount of content and eventually passing out. that day, i just cried myself to sleep seeing how similar i was to her, thinking about the fight with b. and all my failures.

the next day we went to get bagels together, strolled from one little free book library to another and i eventually managed to say goodbye to her around 11am. i went to the harvard art gallery but was rather unimpressed. i did not have too much time, my bus back would depart at 3pm already. spent some time at starbucks charging my devices, using wifi, drinking their lavander matcha thing and crying a bit. so yes, this was the story of my messy, annoying, but also somewhat eye-opening boston trip.

i don't remember really what i did on friday evening and saturday right now. i do know how i had to replan the roadtrip js. had planned, because there was a snowstorm in vermont.

me on my short trip to boston yesterday&the day before

the last week

the two days after our roadtrip, so tuesday and wednesday, i ended up staying at his place.

on tuesday morning we had good morning sex - i love it so much really - we got ready together, went to the deli together and then he dropped me off on campus.

walking only a few minutes i encountered b. who was out on the street at that time, around noon. if he is not smoking, b. would not leave his office the whole day, so i was surprised. he was on the way to a talk. i jokingly asked whether i could join, expecting him to be embarrassed of me or something. but he agreed and we went to the political science department. there were not many attendees at all. b.'s rival was hosting the talk. though she is much less qualified, she holds the postdoc position that b. would be perfect for. she actually is not worth being called his rival, but unfortunately her position is better. anyway, the talk was somewhat interesting, about history. after the talk b. talked to the speaker and i enjoyed the free middle eastern food they served. we went to the office together. it was a nice experience.

i am realising that i already forgot many of the things that happened. what a pity. i remember things being really nice .i do remember stay at js. place again that night, don't know what we did for dinner though.

wednesday morning it was the same procedure. only that day i went to my favourite café afterwards, which was very lovely.

on wednesday night i slept at home. slept very long until thursday. probably had some fight with b. i got ready, took care of my hair that had turned into dread locks, because of how js. treats them and me not having found time to take care of it early enough. fixing my hair took me almost two hours... then i went out walking downtown. it was raining, gloomy mood. i did something on my laptop, was reading in one café first, then another. that night i slept at home, but js. and me went to get dinner together in a cute middle eastern place. the mood was very bittersweet.

friday i was supposed to spend most of the time with b. we went out walking, went to get bubble tea, went to the bookstore, i got ice cream. it was lots of fun. at the book store i had a funny spontanous idea. close to the checkout i spotted a book by a professor i heard at a talk some weeks earlier. he wrote a book on citizenship. i bought the book, but wanted him to sign it before i depart. i mailed him in the afternoon, did not actually excpect him to be down for that, but he proposed to meet at law school only two hours later. he's a funny persona, very excentric and seems to have somewhat of a radical approach. i have not read the book yet. when we met he was very humbled by me asking for a signature, he said nobody asked that before, so cute. after that was done i rode the bike back to the woman who had lent it to me. js. picked me up from there, we drove to the address of the guy whose bike lock i was using. with his kid's street chalk i wrote "thanks again" on the porch next to where i put the lock. then we proceeded to have dinner together. i had a big fight about this earlier that day. b. was offended by the fact i wanted to spent my last dinner with js. i told him how it was also my last evening with him and agreed on only meeting him for dinner for a short time and then coming home again. which had been my plan nevertheless. unfortunately though js. did not quite get that i would not spend the whole night with him. when i bought lunch for b. and made clear how i would go home, he as well got very offended. i tried making both guys happy, but ended up offending both. well done. for the rest of the time we spent together js. was very quiet and weird. i can understand him. i should have communicated it better. i had told him though how the last two days i'd stay home. we ended up talking in his car when he dropped me off at the dorm. b. actually wasn't there yet, he was still in the office - it was like 10pm. i walked there, spent my last hours in that office with him. taking pictures, being silly, him eating his dinner. oh, i did not mention how b. got the news of having been awarded a fellowship at harvard from next semester on. he'll change from yale to harvard and i will visit him again. i did not enjoy boston too much, though i have not managed to explore cambridge itself too much either. new haven though seems much more tranquil - despite its high crime rate. i am happy for b. of course. but also, it is a very temporary fellowship. i really wish for him to one day have a real position. his salary is pathetic as well. it's an insult for the past 17 years he has been working his ass off. anyway, that night b. and me spent together, he in my room, me packing my things together, it was midnight soon already. us listening to our favourite music together, reminiscing about our past, about the past two months, phantasizing about the future. again, bittersweet. at some point we layed next to each other. i began to cry and hugged his back. just minutes before he said how he would not want to "make it a whole emotional drama", but soon we found each other in each others arms sobbing. it is obvious that we love each other. it will never die, i am sure. around 1am we said bye to each other, he went out to smoke, i went to take a shower. though he would come back afterwards and was just in the other room, we would not see each other anymore. we accepted that this was the bye.

on saturday js. very kindly picked me up very early around 7am. he wanted to take me to the cloisters in new york before dropping me off at the airport. we arrived at 9am, an hour too early. we walked around the bronx, went to starbucks, i checked in into my flight. fort tryon park was blooming, it was a cold but sunny morning. the cloisters itself ended up being rather underwhelming to me as a "well-travelled" european. i had seen this architecture, those artworks in the cities and countries they actually were from. many of which are from my very own country. it felt like a joke spending almost 50 dollars for that. i did enjoy the unicorn carpets though. and in general, i liked spending time with js. in whatever way. we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. hugging and kissing in the old walls, in front of paintings and sculptures. we were too cute. he is so into me.

eventually we left to the airport. in the car before departing there we made out. the ride to the airport, again, was bittersweet. i chose the music. it was nice seeing the nyc skyline one last time for now. once when using his phone to put music i saw the hinge app in the recent used app suggestions (though it was the very last enlisted one). it made my stomach sick and i almost cried. i stayed very silent for the rest of the drive. we got out of the car, i had to repack my bags and suitcasese a bit. i handed him one final present of mine: my sister's green jumper he liked so much. i had stolen it from her and now given to him lol. when i was done unpacking it was time to say a final goodbye. we kissed, hugged and kissed. and kept kissing. at some point he stopped, he held me and said "i love you - is that okay?". i could not believe it. i got very excited and happy. both of us were shaky. it was too sweet. i kissed his whole face. he stopped me again and said how he had said it before on our roadtrip. that time i apparently did not hear him correctly. i cannot even recall that happening that at all. i kept kissing him. i could tell though he was getting sad. sad that i so far not said it myself. for me it is something very unusual to hear and say. never before did anybody! ever say this to me like that. let alone be the first to say it to me. i was so shy but knew i had to say it somehow. also, because i am indeed feeling that way i think. i ended up whispering it into his ear. i am so god damn shy. but he knows. so that's alright. we soon had to actually say goodbye - we had been standing outside the car for at least 15 minutes already. one of the last things i said was that if he was really into me, he should then delete all "the apps", which he very much did. i took my bags and kept waiving at him until i could not see his car anymore. and that was it!

we did talk about him visiting me soon though. he said how he would not feel too sad, knowing that he will soon make effort to come see me. i appreciate that. we will figure something out...

the process of flying was rather smooth. everything worked out well, the only downside was that i had had allergies and felt pretty sick. i left my favourite jacket in the plane unfortunately. but i somehow made it home to my mother's place where i spent the easter holidays eating her food and sleeping in a big comfy bed.

i am nobody

yes, i know i am whining and complaining. but this is what my thoughts look like.

today i woke up at 3:30am still very much jetlagged, been awake ever since. my thoughts spiraling in a loop - sometimes euphorically good, soon to be horribly pessimist and hopeless. i am not diagnosed as anything, but i have been feeling like this for about 5 years. my thoughts tell me i am not worth the opportunities that i have, the things that i own, the space that i occpuy. i cannot escape. it slows me down, it makes me sleep in every day, it makes me get nothing done. is this a depression? i wish to do therapy.

before i departed to the us i tried to make some effort to get a place. i went to free a womens' counselling center. after briefly explaining my personal history the woman who listened to me soon but very clearly said that i need trauma therapy. and she also made clear that this center would not be able to help me with that. i would need to get in touch with psychologists and hope to be put on waiting lists. being on those waiting lists can take a long time. so far i did not have the energy to really contact psychologists and go to "first contact meetings". i will have to do it now. i cannot keep living like this. it has been three years that i finished high school, that officially i have been "studying", though i have not collected many credits yet at all. i am in my fourth semester now, but technically still in my first year. it's a pity because studying was all i ever wanted to do. what i am studying is also what i am interested in. i just cannot stop thinking that i am too dumb, that everybody else is much better, that i should already stop now and "actually do some real work". i hate myself for thinking like this, because i know it's not true. i just have to silence those thoughts and just fucking work. just. work. i cannot give up, after not even having achieved anything. all i ever felt like doing was writing, reading, researching, being an academic. it feels like the ideal life to me.

i somehow "managed" to make my friends circle people who can be considered high achievers i guess. my very ex boyfriend is a fellow at yale and will change to harvard soon. a postdoc. another one just handed in his phd in cambridge. okay, those people are much older than me. but also, i feel so silly amongst them. who am i? what did i acomplish in those years? i travelled to many countries and worked many jobs. academically did little. but was always interested. attended talks and discussions, organised events myself. now i have been in three board positions, but did not contribute anything at all. some people would call it impostor syndrome. but who am i to feel like an impostor. who am i to publicly speak on issues? to write on issues? i know absolutely nothing and am ashamed of taking part in this stupid self promoting political youth organisation's game. i feel like i just want to lock myself away for the next years and just read. just shut up and read and learn. i do not want to speak out! i am too dumb and know too little to say anything about the state of the world. being part of those organizations i am forced to have opinions. but i do not want to have opinions. there is nothing i am sure of and i am not ready to pretend i had a clue. all people around me seem to have fixed opinions and ideas. i envy them. i am not saying they are right, but at least they know what ideology to follow, they know how to categorize things and deal with what they consume. for me, everything seems possible and plausible.

i am stuck in reconsidering and contemplating what matters. whether i should really put myself down for not having achieved anything, because in the end, does it matter if i have a bachelor's at 21 or at 23?! the performer people around me make me feel like it does. all the do and be is revolving around career. knowing somebody who has the most ideal academic career ever (being a researcher at yale and harvard for fucks sake!!) i know that even those people struggle with the most basic ass shit. b. does not get paid well at all after studying all his life. after never dating, after travelling little. sure he works at those institutions, but still he worries every single day. actually i will now help him to find housing in boston. what i am saying is not that i do not want to become an academic, but the fact that i should be aware that those worries seem to never ever stop. another of my friends works at a lobbyist at the european parliament. he's 25 and cannot stop complaining about his boring life. he's got a masters but hates what he does. he lives in the bougiest part of brussels but cannot wait to break out of this life.

there are so many thoughts in my head. i am thinking i should not worry. i am very flexible and need little to be happy. basically just a nice little coffee a day, my bike, good movies, books and the newspaper to read. i can adapt easily to new sorroundings and make friends everywhere. why should i worry about my existence at all? i keep making good conncections that give me jobs, keep meeting interesting people, keep travelling nice places. i am very proactive, why would a person like me worry about being homeless and hopeless? about not getting a job? isn't this extremly unreasonable?? shouldn't i just fucking concentrate in what i am doing right now. in actually gathering credits, finally progressing in my studies and trying to save some money? yes, that is what i should do. what i have been trying to do for three years. but my thoughts kill me. i do manage to do well the first month of each semester, but in the end i lose all self confidence, stop showing up, not even writing the exams.

if i just had more self confidence. i should just be more delusional. more hopeful. i have to romantisize every day life. i have to stay persistent. i have to stop parttaking in silly consumerism and materialism. and with that i also regard travelling around. one of my favourite quotes of seneca of a letter to lucilius i had to translate in high school is "tecum sunt quae fugis". those you escape from are with you. it's true. i have to stop wandering around, losing myself in the world. pretending to be somebody i am not. my only duty is to acquire knowledge, read the books i already have, work hard, be humble and kind. the coffees are something i can allow myself as a little treat and reminder to keep going. in the end, still a better addiction than cigarettes, alcohol or whatever else there be. talking of addictions, i also deinstalled instagram again today. i did not deactivate it, in order to occasionally check what my friends send me. but i have to stop scrolling. it made my brain melt. and i wasted my youth on my phone already. i hate myself. and i hate that my parents are so smartphone addicted themselves. when i was home for easter i got so sad seeing how my sister, two years younger than me, is a complete and literal ipad kid. how my mother got insulted by me saying that i do not want to eat at a table where people scroll on their smartphones. it should be the biggest warning for me.

living with j. now, the old english gentleman who embodies a lifestyle that is the exact opposite of my mother's, i hope to have more motivation to live more in the moment and work hard. there are no excuses for me anymore. i have done it all. i shall stop whining and start putting actual effort really. i should get my life under control, seek therapy. i feel like once i actually manage to live less of a consumerist lifestyle, but more of a humble hard working one, i will actually be able to be happy of who i am. i will make the best of my circumstances though things might fail.

and the most important attributes of who i want to be despite hard working are being humble, kind and forgiving. the country i am living in is notoriously infamous for being rude. and it's true. people here are impolite and harsh for no reason and i always struggled with it, though i was born here. i much more enjoyed how people are like in england or the us. people make small talk, people give compliments. i voiced this to js. once before saying how much i fear going back home getting my sould crushed by this every day rudeness. he said i should try to "be the change". i live by that now. no matter what happens to me, i shall stay kind and content. people here are just like that and i should not take it personally. it's hard though, but i cannot let my thoughts and energy get wasted by getting irritated by strangers, carrying resent. this is something y. had critisized about me before.

so yeah - i feel like i know all of what i need to know. at least regarding what i should do. i know what i did wrong, i know how i can change. i just have to fucking do it now. i have to stay persistent, have to stay passionate.

back in town

since Tuesday i am back in this incredible town in which everything seems to have just stayed the same. since yesterday back living with j., the old english gentleman.

the past days it has been raining, ever since i am back i have been trying to get my life in control again. my sleeping pattern being the absolute weirdest (i woke up at 2am and slept at 8pm yesterday).

today though it has been the first sunny day of the week. i woke up around 7:30am. it's farmer's market, i am sitting in my favourite café, i bought lillies for just twelve euros, i have already taken care of j.'s cloths, made him breakfast, listened to him practicing one of favourite of bach's fugues, went shopping, cleaned, wrote job applications to several law offices and to one bar as a bartender and one jazz bar as a ticket control person.

yesterday my boss at the theatre wanted to meet me for a talk. I feared getting fired. though I could not think of a reason why... I did not get fired but unfortunately experienced somewhat of an intervention. he told me how several of my colleagues had complained about me. apparently they percieve me as arrogant and cold. L O L i could not believe my ears and was completly startled. I am the last person to be arrogant and cold. i am just so chill and nice. the only thing i am and i admit is that i am direct. and i absolutely hate passive agressiveness, fakeness and condescending treatment. and this is what i am pretty sure about: the people that must have complained about me are the ones that i had some disputes with since they have treated me condescendingly and i simply did not accept to be treated that way. they are in no superior position to me and have no more knowledge or skill. sure, i should not be disrespectful to anyone, but i was not. how is it my fault if those people have weak personalities and feel personally attacked when i treat them the way they treat me? i am a happy and carefree person in general and doing this job i absolutely refuse to work in a bad or passive agressive energy. if you have a problem, be direct and tell me. but don't belittle me or treat me condescendingly. especially not in front of the guests. funnily enough i am the person that our guests like the best. litterally every single time i work people give me compliments on how nice i am, how well i consulted them and how much they like coming here when i am there. and that is because i am actually passionate about working at this theatre. i am actually interested and i am not fake like all of my colleagues. i am not made for this fake-ass-corporate-talk-politically-correct society. i may sound like a karen saying that, but i really don't care. i am open, friendly, passionate and nice. and respectful for sure... what do i learn from this? i should be more careful with those people. i will reduce my interaction with them to the minimum. i will not interfere with them, i will not share anything private. they are fake and have low self esteem. luckily there are some cool people working at this theatre and with them i get along so well (my boss being one of them). especially with all the actors. unfortunately though, this month i will not really be able to work, because i did not know my availabilites early enough. but on sunday i will attend our most recent play: girls&boys by dennis kelly, a solo.

other than that, i am happy to be back in europe. life feels light-hearted and somewhat easy. people are on the streets, there are plenty cafés, bakeries and establishments. i feel alive and mobile. on tuesday i will look at a new bike that i might buy. js. and me are in touch every day and we are planning his visit prospectivly in may. i am so happy to have him. and i love how our communication is so well, how we are into each other to what seems to be the same extent. i am trying to find a little illegal job for him to do whilst his stay so he can learn my language a bit more and earn some money perhaps. but he'll be fine just discovering and travelling in case that would not work out. unfortunately though i will not have time to join him on trips much. i'll have so many things to do: uni, two or perhaps three jobs, my two organisations and soon a new sport: rowing!!! i have been on this waiting list to finally get a spot for lessons for three years now! and finally my time has come. i am SO looking forward.

regarding university i will take classes on international relations, comparative political science, migration in political theory, public international law and two very basic law classes: constitutional law and private law. i should have written those exams last year alraedy but was too anxious and always postponed them. but now, i cannot afford postponing them anymore. there are some other classes i take, but they are less interesting and just technical things. i am looking forward to this semester though, especially to the political science part of my studies. recently i had a great correspondence with one lecturer whose seminar i was hoping to take part in. unfortunately though i got assigned a different one and emailed him whether i could chance to his. he notified me about it actually having been cancelled due to his research project. i asked for the syllabus in order to inform myself at least and he made the effort to write a very long mail listing all the books and explaining his thinking behind choosing them. i told him how i would read all of it until he will offer the seminar the next time next year. and i am actually determined to do so. the funniest part of it: another reason i really wanted to take his course was because him and me had matched on bumble in december lol!!! on there i used my middle name to be somewhat anonymous (because this town is just so small) and was so surprised when he actually matched me back. the first thing he asked me was whether i study at the political science institute which i of course agreed to. we had quite the long chat about how of course we could not actually meet up and how he was sorry to have accepted the match, how he had just ended a longterm relationship and how he is lonely. i had adviced him to perhaps set his age range a bit higher in order to avoid such embarrassing incidents. i had told him how i would tell nobody and will just pretend this has never happened. dating students really is a no go and he'd surely be fired for that i guess. i had ensured him how if we ever met in person he would not recognise me. he wondered why, i told him how my name was slightly different and in the pictures i had used on bumble my face was not visible. i like him though and we definitely vibe. even funnier is that he actually is younger than b. who had been my boyfriend for almost two years and who has a much better academic position than him. that guy could not even imagine qualifying for positons at yale and harvard lol. do i sound arrogant? YES lol, but that's just the truth. b. is a very special person. very smart, knowledgable but in the end also very much of a "silly goofy girl" like i am, hence we get along so well. b. and me are in good contact as well. though he has blocked me on his work phone, we talk every night and sometimes in the early morning when i am awake alraedy and he still is awake.

so yeah, exciting times lie ahead as always. the most important thing for me (and the most challenging quest with that) will be to be disciplined and to stay persistent. i am passionate and hard working for sure. i just have to prove how i can be so persistently. for now, i will continue getting my life back on track by giving y. back his suitcase, updating him on the most recent events, perhaps finally texting a. and excusing to him, getting in touch with some other people i have ignored for too long and establishing contacts to several psychologists in order to one day get a place for therapy.

the start of the summer semester

i do not have any courses today. though from the early morning on i have been quite busy figuring out all kinds of bureaucratic things.

i changed some seminars, recieved some rejections from the applications i sent on the weekend, recieved one invitation for a test shift as a bartender, registered for two language courses: italian for jurists and persian, brought b.'s former advisor's secretary her and his former advisor's present b. had bought for them at yale, reached out to b.'s editor in order to give her her present as well, met with j.'s cleaning lady, who has been working for him and his wife for over thirty years but who will retire soon (and i will be the prospective successor) and have been in touch with two ladys who have children that would benefit from talking to an english native speaker that answered to my post about a job for js. i spent the first half of today (so far) in my favourite café where unfortunately i encountered too many people that i am trying to avoid: for example my ex n. or my first ever one night stand in this town: a forty something surgeon who thinks of himself as the hottest and coolest man alive - the sex was indeed good, but that was like three years ago. i am pretty sure he recognises me but we just pretend we didn't know each other. also, i saw the mother of one of my former crushes in this town. that guy works in that café and his mother came by, had a coffee and had a chat about his son with the manager who always covers the morning shift and who i somewhat befriended. this town is small and basically only consists of students&university people. for a noisy person like me it's a great place but sometimes when i just want to enjoy my privacy and peace... it can be a bit frustrating.

the town is blooming though, trees getting greener every day, it's warm, people ride their bikes and i encounter quite many nuns on the streets. i'll read kochenov's book now and make the best of the day.

girls&boys

on sunday i spontanously got to work a bit. i wanted to go see our newest play anyways, so it was great that i could take a colleague's shift who was sick.

so i checked the tickets for one and a half hours, light the candles and counted the people. my colleague who manages the bar area of the theatre said he missed me a lot, he is from bangladesh and he's chill and fun. he always makes me coffee and jokes around. i had missed the theatre. it's very unique indeed. we play so many plays with relativly few actors in our ensemeble. each play is incredibly thought provoking and sophisticated. this play, boys&girls, just premiered last week to an exclusive audience. so on sunday it was the first regular show. my colleague ka., a dramaturge, shortly introduced into the play beforehand. and then i sat next to my colleague pa., one of the stage tech guys, to watch the play that was set on the small foyer's stage. he had prepared himself by reading the book. which surprised me. many of the stage tech people are very simple people, somewhat bogans (that sounds condescending, but they are just not the kind of people to read a book for fun, you know?)... the actress did her job so well. i love her facial expressions, so natural, so real. the play was directed by that woman who is the very known affair of the current theatre director. apparently through her very intimate involvements in the theatre life she keeps climbing the career ladder in that theatre. she started as a simple press officer and within two years managed to become an actress and director herself. i look down on her though. she is very fake. she is married herself and the theatre director himself is married as well, to the woman who will be the new director from summer on. what they have is pathetic and disgusting. she'd have potential on being somewaht of a role model if she got her positions through honest work, but not like that! though i must admit she directed this play very well. the scenery was very minimalist, i liked the choice of and use of music very much as well. the play is about toxic masculinity i'd say. about how even somebody who seemed perfect for the longest time can develop to be toxic and even: dangerous. the nameless woman's husband ends up killing both their children and later himself, because he could not bear the fact that his wife was more successfull than he himself.

in my own relationships men always ended up being violent and aggressive towards me. every single time, even somebody who i percieved the most calm and nicest guy ever. of course at some point one must seriously question oneselves. is it my fault? am i really as horrible as to make every man go insane and violent? that's at least what b. told me in one of our most recent fights. he said how when he first got to know me he "was on my side" when i told him about how my father abused me. but now he was "on his side" because he actually knew me and knew how i deserved this treatment. hearing those words out of b. mouth is the worst ever. and i am endlessly afraid that i could fuck up my relationship with js. like this as well. and to be honest, i am already somewhat afraid of js. he is calm, he is reserved, but i feel if he freaks out it would be worse than i ever experienced it with a man. he is the first guy i am with who is very physically strong. n. was tall as well, but he was rather weak and untrained - still i was weaker than him. b. is not tall and not trained - still he was stronger than me. my first boyfriend wasn't tall either, but very trained - he was very strong, literally abused and hit me, the sex being extremly violent and hardcore. to be honest most of the times he fucked me it was not consensual. and what does this mean? that he regularly raped me. now, js. seems a good man. he's very mature and understanding, very calm as i said. but he is very tall and trained. i feel if we ever get to the point that this violence awakes in him, i will be doomed. i am really intimidated by him. i know i should not, i should trust him and trust myself. but this play made me overthink...

i think it made all of us think. my colleague ended up sobbing next to me. the atmosphere in the foyer as extremly intimate. many people in a small room, the actress on a small stage close to us. the room dark, the candles i had light up flickering. the applause lasted 4 minutes and 27 seconds, we have to measure it. there were standing ovations. and it was very quiet for a long time. i myself did not cry. i don't know why. i cry easily. i was touched indeed. it hit home, literally lol. perhaps i have just grown resilient against this kind of family drama. it does not surprise me anymore, i perhaps am hardened. i don't know. i feel if i stayed with my family longer when i was 16 a big catastrophe would have happened. i mean, an even bigger one than our lives were at that time already. i am not in the mood to elaborate now, but perhaps it was good i left at lived with that boyfriend who raped me. perhaps it was still better than living with them.

yesterday i spent much time with j. in the afternoon we went shopping together, afterwards i prepared dinner, then some of his friends, a bangladeshi couple, came for a visit. i cut oranges for them and cleaned the mess in the kitchen. then j. and me had dinner. afterwards i went for a bike ride: 4 loops around the city. when i got back, i js. had sent me a message saying "he forgot to tell me something". i was prepared for the worst but he instructed me to check the dedication of j.'s edition of jonathan frantzen's corrections (i had spotted this book in j.'s shelve earlier and shared it with js.). turns out: frantzen dedicated the book to js.' uncle and aunt. this international bestseller was dedicated to my boyfriend's aunt&uncle. i have not read it yet, but i will make efforts to now. his family seems more and more interesting. still, i cannot believe my luck in finding js. and giving him many chances. i remember complaining on here how boring i thought he was, but how i was not ready to give up on the idea of him yet. how the first times we had sex were rather disappointing and in general he just did not share much of himself at all. but there was always something that made me want to stick with him. when i slept he sent me pictures of new haven he took when he went on the walk up the east rock. afterwards he sent me a bunch of pictures of sketches he did. he is a good artist himself. i love this guy, hopefully it's not just the idea of him. we spent about a month together, almost every day. throughout this time i understood him more, he kept surprising me with details on his and his family's life, with how understanding, attentive and calm he is. and ultimativly with how he loved me. he is a pure, honest and sensitive guy. seemingly everything i have ever wanted. every single quality seems to be fulfilled. sure, sooner or later we will disappoint each other for the first time. humans are not perect. though i am fearing a day i fuck things up. for now, we are planning his stay here in may. who knows where things will go. on our way from the cloisters to jfk he had talked about how expensive it is to study in europe as an international student. i more or less jokingly said how if he ever wanted the european passport he should just let me know and he instantly understood. i made this joke before with other people, but they did not.

on the weekend out of boredom i made this nectar love print test. my result is aieg, i asked js. to also do it, his result is ripg. if one decides to somewhat believe in that kind of test, it was not a big surprise at all. the js. and my results of the other tests they have are completely the same (relationship readiness 9, permissive boundaries, created family as family attachement, monogamous, growth as relationship believe, and hyposexual). in order to compare our results to a third party i made my best friend e. take the tests as well and her results are completly different. i pray that for once things work out. it feels to just be allright with him. it feels like we are very similar. perhaps too similar. our main difference: i am bubbly and he is not (a common pattern in male-female relationships i'd say). if there will ever be a big fight between us, i am afraid it will be the worst i have ever experienced in my life. and with my parents, i used to believe i have been through the worst. as bad as this sounds, i cannot wait for him to show his true face. i want to know what i am at. it sounds absurd but i cannot wait for him to hurt me. i prefer that to the uncertainty of just being intimidated by him and not knowing what he is capable of. he hasn't given me much reason to fear him actually, it would be very unfair to make it seem that way. though i can just sense that there is something underneath that surface. surely there is with all of us. so that per se is nothing bad particularly about him. time will tell.

back in uni

it was an eventful week. establishing my timetable, figuring out the new schedule, the first sessions of the new seminars i was able to change to. i did not put in much work yet and tried to take things slowly.

in the beginning of the week i had bought myself and j. lillies. my lilies have blossomed wonderfully, whereas the ones i had bought for j. simply died. i felt pity, so tomorrow i will buy new ones, hoping they will behave differently. being back in europe i am so incredibly happy and thankful that buying flowers is so affordable. for two rather big bouqets of flowers i only paid 12 euros. unbelievable.

i felt grateful to be alive, happy to be riding my bike in this wonderful weather, listening to philip glass on repeat. i had bought myself a new cardigan and new light pants, wearing those things together it basically looks like i am wearing a pyjama. luckily nowadays it's trendy and socially accpeted to wear such outfits, as long as you title it "scandi style" lol. i love it though. if it wasn't so rainy here, i'd wear nothing else than that.

i got very disappointed by that one professor whose class i had looked forward to a lot. it is always so interesting to me how different people are and how different they decide to teach. this seminar on migration in political theory with this seemingly lovely junior professor i had (and still have) big hopes for. as i recently very much got into the topic of citizenship, having been in touch with dimitry kochenov and reading his signed book still, i was so excited to talk abuot my experiences in america. unfortunately though, this woman decided that she wants to play the role of a rather authoritarian, unapproachable and oh so professional professor, that she did not at all care about people introducing themselves and their passions and after the seminar was very quick to rush outside. i did stop her on her way her though, thanking her for letting me take part in that seminar (i wasn't initially assigned for it) and briefly telling her about my encounter with that guy. just a few days ago he had actually messaged me again excusing how he was sorry for not having time to chat with me when he met me in front of law school two weeks ago. i did not expect to hear from him at all anymore. so grateful for his kindness and humility, i sent him a picture of his book in front of my town's main sight. he said how i was so "incredibly kind". how cute and nice of him. how different scholars can behave! if i one day get to be in the position of being a lecturer, i will go sure to be approachable and nice. i could tell that this woman somewhere in her heart has kindness. but she forced herself to be "a big girl" and play a role that was very obviously not authentic. she was rather behaving like a toxic and insecure man.

just last saturday i had a different weird interaction with a lecturer. this time, it was rather positively weird. so, i have had written before how i had matched with this guy who teaches politcial theory at my institute on bumble. he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship and his profile was very new. when we matched his first question was whether i study at his institute and whether we know each other. i said "yes" to the first question and "somehow" to the second. i had attended one (1) session of his seminar on arendt but realised it wouldn't fit my schedule well last semester, so i didn't proceed further... well, we had an exchance on how embarrassed he was and how naturally we could not proceed further with this either. i had told him how he should set his age range higher if he wants to avoid such things in future. he said how he'll definitely do that, and only didn't do it since his profile was just so new. i kind of believe that to be true. and also he seems just to be really really clumsy and lost. on bumble i had used my middle name only and pictures without my face so i told him how he would probably not recognise me in future so he can be sure there won't be akwardness... ok, so far so good.

janurary i basically spent all my time at the theatre and at a's (the actor) place. february&march i lived in america and now... literally back not even two weeks i had encoutered him about 4 times already. once when i left after my early morning lecture, we had weird eye contact but nothing else. another time when i was riding my bike home from the institute, he was with all the young lectureres, probably on his way to grab some beer or smth, again, out of all the people in this group of people it was us who had weird eye contact and now on saturday...:

on my way to my rowing class (something i started last friday and will continue writing about later) i was riding my bike from j.'s place to the harbour and whom do i spot walking on the side walk in the opposite direction talking to himself making weird counting gestures?! yes, that exact guy. he looked so silly doing that - he was most likely thinking about things he would have to buy in the supermarket where he was probably heading to - and i let out a laughter. he realised that, turned around and i realised that as well, had to laugh even more and ended up having to physically hold my laughter. i was caught off guard completely and with that finally exposed myself. he knew me now. and how can i be so sure?! well, he sent me a damn email about that a few hours later saying "sorry, normally i don't look that much like a fool - i was talking to myself"... we had sent some emails back and forth about his seminar he was supposed to hold this semester that i wanted to join (actually out of pure and genuine interest). and he used that opportunity to get back to me. how inappropriate actually. i could not believe my eyes when i saw that. i was a bit weirded out... but on the other hand it was also my teacher-student romance dreams i have had all through highschool coming true. now in university i quickly realised though how bad of a situation that actually is to be in. especially if you are actually interested in that person's research and field of expertise... i did not get back to him on the weekend anymore, only today morning i sent a text saying "to be able to attend your future seminars, i would like to make clear that i was actually only interested in joining the seminar. sorry for laughing though, you caught me off guard". to which he replied: "i was caught off guard myself. i kind of regret sending you that mail. i understand and it's allright, you'll be welcome in joining my seminars when i hold some again". he's chill and i am very happy about it. he knows it's so inappropriate and he knows i know it myself. even more now that i have a boyfriend who is so into me, whom i am into so much myself. though i am certain i will encounter that lecturer again throughout the next weeks. to be honest, i love to have some flirts like that around, it's just a fun game. and we are responsible adults. i know it's kinda unfair towards js... i don't know whether i should feel bad. since sooner or later there will be updates on that guy, i will give him a name: t.

so now more about rowing: i had taken part in a rowing course when i was like 14 already. it was just a few days, but i did very well. so well, that very soon i was put in a racing boat. unfortuantely back then i was not socially confident enough, i was always feared to be around people my age, especially in a context of "clubs". i did not like engaging with people my age who had more experience and were rather condescending, because, well we were just kids. and i was always afraid of kids' behaviour. i never enjoyed team sports... the wish of wanting to row stuck with me though. since i moved to this town three years ago i had waited on a waiting list to start rowing here. i have not actually expected hearing back from them ever. but when i was in america it happened. and it was fairly cheap even. last weekend was the introductionary weekend where we met every day with a group of about twenty people (twenty lucky people out of two hundred applicants!). the weekend went nice, though i was a bit bored having to deal with absolute beginners. i tried not making that obvious though. also, the group of people i started with is not my age at all. i had applied for the 25+ group, being much younger than even that. most people that start with me are around 35-40, which is kinda fun and makes things more chill for me really. from now on i will have weekly lessons and hope that my talent will be able to unfold and get recognised by them as well. i am very convinced and determined to have talent btw. and the best thing: they very recently moved into a new club house and it's basically located next to the theatre i work at. on friday evening i actually first went to rowing class and right afterwards to a dérniere of a play (which turned out to be really shitty - actually the worst play i have ever seen - but that's a different story). so yeah, i am so happy with this sport right now. my whole body hurt, but i like pain in general, i like feeling myself, it reminds me that i am alive.

what also happened on the weekend: i had a test shift at a bar close to the harbour. right on the day i went rowing for four hours. i only worked for three hours in the evening though. it was a lovely evening, good weather, happy people, a crowded bar. i did very well. the team was somewhat stressed out and all of them kind of behaved passive aggressivly, but maybe that's just their character. two guests told me how sweet i was and in the end the boss and their best employee told me how i had a quick perception, how i learn quickly and how they'd be happy to have me in their team. actually, whilst working i was kind of not wanting to work there. because i sensed that things are not really alright with the staff. the atmosphere just seemed off. but to be honest as i said already, that might also just be their personalities. when i was working in the bakery my colleagues were extremly dull as well - something that i always fear to become. i though managed to stay nice and funny in the bakery. this job will definitely be more draining than the bakery work, but i will get more tips. working in the bakery i had had to wake up at 4am, now working there i will have to work until 4am. funny how life is huh. in the bakery the highest tip i ever recieved were 2 euros, normal was 2 cents, lol. there, so i was told, i could sometimes make even 200 euros if i was working alone. well, of course they say such things in order to make me want to work there, right? however, i will be happy to have a job. happy to be able to interact with nice and cool guests. happy to learn how to make drinks, a very important life skill i guess. so far, i have absolutely no clue about alcohol. js. gave me courage about starting this job saying if there is a time in life to work in a bar, it's your early twenties. and i think he's right. it's just something one should have done, isn't it. it'll teach me a lot i am sure...

on another note, i managed to sublet my dorm room until may to a nice girl whom i actually seem to become friends with. she's a phd student and researches on migration. she expressed her great gratefulness for the things i already helped her with. since i travelled so much and lived in a few places now myself i know how messy it is to move and to orientate. so i really want to be that kind of person, a native and local, one can rely on with any "stupid" questions or problems. i am so happy i can help her and in the end i am also happy that i recieve money from her until may...

js. booked his flight today. he will arrive mid may. we are very happy. i am proud to be the one hosting him, showing him this lovely town in europe. it will literally be a deflowering experience for him: his first time in europe. and he'll always connect it to me. i really hope i don't fuck this up. but so far, things have been going just so well with him, i should not be scared.

today i did not do many productive things. i did buy my very first own matcha powder in the asian store, in order to save money and consume less coffee. i finally got to write those things down and in the evening went to this evening circling lecture, where i met j.'s wife and her friend, who share the same name - they are women in their seventies so it's kinda fun that those people are my main social contacts nowadays. it was a great lecture by my favourite law professor on constitutional law and the role of constitutional courts in our society. he's so charismatic and funny, it was pure delight. the hall was crowded and i decided to sit in the very front left. the space all the other law professors decided to sit as well, they ended up sitting behind me. very close to me was somebody i somehow developed a weird crush on now. he was one of the two professors b. had defended his phd to. b. just calls him "the walking dead" because he is so expressionless, he is very tall and boney. i somehow never really liked him though i so far did not attend any of his lectures... but now it turned out i have a seminar with him. last week at the first session of this seminar that is held by one law and one politics professor he already looked at me weirdly imo. i think he recognises me from seeing me with b. a lot on campus. i used to be somewhat of his attachement, we really were always together. and now today: he sits diagonally behind me and i realised he looked at me form time to time, he also looked at my laptop. i don't know why i never liked him. he actually seems like a charming man. very reserved, very nerdy. but genuine. his smile is too sweet. and why the heck do i keep having crushes on professors and lecturers?! fuck me man.

in general, i just adore professors (no matter the gender) a lot. i have so much respect for them. i think they are the people with the profession i respect most in this world. it has always been the ideal for me. i hope that life leads me a path where i will become somewhat like that myself. i know though, for that i will have to work hard, be humble and do not let anybody destroy my passions. i should not give up and trust myself. i remind myself this every day.

in general, it currently feels i am on a good track. i have two and two halves of a job now, chose interesting seminars and lectures, manage to go to bed early and wake up early, make home cooked meals, consume less in general, am nice to people, am nice to my friends, read books, keep up with the news, do a new sport regularly and in general just live an active and genuine life full of new energy the spring gives me. if it wasn't for current political conflicts and the way they affect my friends and therefore me, i would almost dare to say things are perfect. i try though to be living the moment and me so grateful for how things are right now. how well j. is doing, how nice my lillies smell, how much i like my bike, reading and the fact that b. got this fellowship and js. comes to visit me. things are good. if i manage to fulfil my roles and stick to this lifestyle, i will lead a satisfactory life. i just should not lose hope and confidence, even when things may not go right...

however, this week will be interesting. j.'s son and a friend of his will be visiting: one from barcelona the other from london. meaning i will live together with three older men. one very old man, two 50 something year olds. j. is so incredibly social and active. it will be a challange for me to deal with all those people and still focus on my every day life's to dos. let's see how it goes...

How goes the college life? Taking care of yourself?

thanks for asking :)

I think I have not been as focused on myself and university ever before. I am quite content with my overall lifestyle currently as well.

I wake up early, clean the household, prepare my meals at home instead of getting take-out, almost completely cut out artificial sugars, I work two jobs, go rowing every week, go for walks every day whilst listening to podcasts, I try my best being friendly to the rude people I unfortunately encounter a lot in my every day life, I read my papers for uni, but also novels and long publications (i just finished "Cannibal Capitalism" by Nancy Fraser), I mostly spend time on my own, because I don't really have friends in uni, but it's okay. I am in touch every day with my two best friends: b. who lives in the US and e. who lives in Norway; my new boyfriend js. will come visit me from the US from midth of may on, which I am just so excited for.

Every day feels precious and vulnerable and I try to be grateful for everything I enjoy so much right now. I feel that I can do so best by putting in the work at uni: reading, writing and participating. Most importantly and to my great delight, the old gentleman I live with, j., is doing well and is happy about my help and company. I hope it will stay like this for a long time. I will start joining him for church on sundays from now on as well. Today we will go buy some wine together, very exciting.

This is the lifestyle I long wished to be able to live. What kept me from it was guilt and procrastination. I am excited for the next weeks and months, but it will certainly be busy. I will have to balance studying, working, spending time with js. and should try not to lose myself in all of that.

Deleting my social media and writing here was a great idea that I will keep doing. I am sad to see how much time I wasted in the past years, but now I am finally on a good track! :)

12 bottles of wine

what a nice day yesterday was.

i woke up at 4am with no alarm. spent the first two hours rather unproductive in bed, chatting with js. i eventually proceeded into the kitchen, making matcha and a sweet breakfast bowl with strawberries, peach, oatmeal and yogurt! how very healthy of me!!! watched some videos on politics&news and around 8am rode my bike to the café to finish fraser's book. at 9.30 that was accomplished, so i rewarded myself with two new books!! one big publication by three sociologists and a collection of essays by jonathan franzen. i feel drawn to him since i know that he is a good friend of js.' uncle. i started the corrections, but it is just so exhausting for me to read. the language is so sophistaced and there are so many american concepts, things or places i don't have a clue about... i definitely want to read that book, but i intentionally have to dedicate extra time to it. so reading those essays is easier for me...i spent the whole morning and early afternoon reading in the café and at some point in the library. i also read about 70 pages of papers for uni, so that's good!

at around 3 i went home to meet j. when yesterday he realised that he is out of wine, he proposed going to get some at his favourite merchant together. he first had to go to the hospital for some mobility training to keep him fit, during this time i showered. weather was amazing and he felt overambitious, so he only took his walking stick with him. at some point i receive a call: him saying he does need his walker. so i carry it to the hospital and from there on our adventure begon. slowly but steadily we headed down that lively street. when we eventually arrived the merchant, i could tell j. comes here quite regularly. the merchant treated him like a vip. j. began enumerating what kinds of wine he would like to have and asked about new kinds available. i was struck! he just never stopped enumerating and so the bottles got more and more. i think i will never acquire as many bottles of wine ever again. another casual proof of how posh he actually is.

we (I) carried only a part of the bottles home, the merchant delivered the rest to us by bike. on our way back we stopped by that café that is attached to my favourite cinema. the outside area was so crowded, but we managed to join some lady. it was so lovely sitting in the sun chatting with j. i told him about my books, he shared stories about his son. so nice! also, as this town is just so small, of course i knew the girl that served us: i used to study with her for a bit.

after we had gotten home, i collected my stuffs and again left outside for a walk. i attempted finding a new spot to read, but ended up reading on the exact same bench in the park i read before on the weekend. directly when i had settled there i realised a., my former fling (the actor guy), was in the park playing some game with some people. he is just so insufferable and obnoxious, one could not not notice him when he is around. i am pretty sure he also noticed me reading there. - to be honest, i don't give a shit anymore. i have so many weird open conflicts with people hereat this point that if i wanted to go sure not to see any of those, i wouldn't even be able to leave the house. so i will just not give a shit anymore. people shall think i am an asshole or whatever. i know that i am not, i know i had my reasons, i am not going to put effort into convincing people otherwise and kiss anybody's ass. especially not losers like him! seriously! - anyway, sitting there reading after only a few i minutes i encoutered another person i know: my boss from the theatre! he is so chill and has my back, i like him a lot. he was carrying two beers, got delighted to see me and just said hello. funny interaction somewhat.

but yeah, now that the weather gets better i realised i know people everywhere, if i stare long enough into the nothingness, sooner or later there will be a person i would rather not like to see... i think this will be a good practice for me of becoming more focused and careless really. living here the next two years will really require me being above all that meaningless social shit.

i am not saying i am too good to have friends or social contacts, no lol. but i want to spend time with actual good people for once. there is actually a group of people i am curious about already for some time. they seem to be hip, chill, but also into what they are studying, which is somehow humanities/law related. i keep encountering them at the café and the library. in fact, they are also friends with former colleagues of b., they worked at the same research facility. and of cocurse that also means that they are somewhat older than me. with one of them i even danced once at a party of that very lefty student establishment. i don't normally party, but that time a. and me had gone together and that was actually really fun. because that i have to admit: a. is great fun at parties and social events. because he is just so eccentric and is seemingly confident in his body, performing. well, exactly what one would expect from an actor!... but yeah, i hope that eventually i'll actually get to know those people somehow. i am not sure how though. just a few minutes ago three of them gathered next to me in the café and i overheard their conversations. apparently they are involved in some student podcast project about recent research, quite cool!

today i woke up at 6am with no alarm. chatted with js for some time and stayed in bed until 7.30 unfortunately. i got ready only slowly, because i decided to ditch that international relations class. the lecturer is just so bad and the students are just so stupid. the quality of this class is really not good. though i had read both papers extensivly (and was most definitely the only person that did that), i really was not in the mood for that. i also ditched the class after that. i don't know, out of laziness really. i am not proud, but i figured that i would get more done simply sitting here and reading. and perhaps that's true. tomorrow is labour day, so i have the whole day for catching up on things and being productive. i overheard the "cool kids" (my new code word for that group of interesting people) say that they will party today&tomorrow. and yeah that reminded me of how the start of may is a reason to celebreate for people here. on one hand i am proud of myself for being rather focused and living a quiet lifestyle. on the other hand it would be nice to once join people to go party, especially because weather is nice and all. going to bars or clubs alone is not a thing people do here at all! it's not a thing at all to get to know people spontanously unfortunately. in other cities and countries i have done that and would do so with no problem, but here it's just very weird. it's a pity, but i am not too sad, because in two weeks js. will be here and i will be able to take him everywhere i go: libraries, cafés and bars!!! i am so looking forward :) especially to getting drunk at bars and making out lol. i also wanna go to some party with him. i am sure he will be in awe with how alive this town is. i mean, he has been to buenos aires, a fairly european style city i guess. but this town here is unique. it has many young student people and all features of a big city, whilst still being cute and historical.

now i will go shopping, later will clean my dorm room for a boy i sublease to for those two weeks, then attend a lecture on comparative politics and right after that cover a shift at the theatre! my first one after three months! so excited! especially because i will get to see my theatre crush ja., son of my other theatre crush jü. lol

that's life

that one day had started perfectly. i woke up so early, had a healthy breakfast while listening to alice capelle's latest video essay, cleaned, got ready. the sun was shining, i was riding my bike to uni listening to beach house. the town was slowly waking up.

i did not want to go to uni, but forced myself. it was a tutorial i had skipped two times already. in fact, it was the first ever time i was showing up. i expected there to be people i didn't like and of course that was the case. those people also managed to behave in the most childish ways possible. some people were giving a presentation and they just kept giggling and talking allthroughout. how childish can you actually be? anyway, the new ataraxic person i am trying to become should not even waste thought and energy on people like this (ataraxic certainly sounds better (and less resentful...) than "not giving a fuck", doesn't it).

right after that tutorial i went to a lectuer i had skipped two times as well, because it would have required me to go to this institute i had never been to and i was shy. last weekend though i had a seminar on transcultural sensivilisation in there, so this burden was overcome. i went upstairs and there was an old man waiting in front of the door. it was around hafl past nine and he asked "why is the door locked, there must be people inside already, mustn't there?". i asked him whether he already considered ringing the bell. which i did and shortly after we were let in. telling by his age i had supposed he must have been a professor. but it turned out he was not! looking for the room of the lecture i had spotted him again and wanted to know "is this where islamic family law occurs in?" and it was. it was a tiny room, on three walls there were tall bookshelves like in a library, on the fourth there were windows. he was the chatty kinda guy. i asked him about the intranet page and he helped me settle. he was fun and somewhat cute. he had printed all the slides, sat there all prepared with his flask full of hot tea serving himself from time to time... eventually the room got crowded. many young women. i felt much more homey and welcome than in any lecture or seminar ever before. the lecturer was late, but it was okay. i knew him because of b. he gave a short keynote at the conference b. had organised last summer. i was very much involved in the organisation of that, unfortunately though only unofficially. so officially my efforts failed to get recognized. well, the downside of dating an academic and getting too involved in his work i guess... however, it was a great pleasure for me to get to know all those internationally renowned scholars. b. was a great host, it was a great success for this university - i would go as far as to say: for this country... anyways, the lecture was fine.

in the two hour break that i had, i sat down at my favourite café and continued reading that recent and long sociological study. i read those 400 pages within 5 days. for me that was a good achievement!

i then enjoyed that lecture on international law with that charismatic lecturerer and afterwards headed back to the café first to read a bit more and at some point home to j. to make myself something quick to eat (fried mushrooms - for some reason i am obsessed with them currently).

then i went for rowing. it was warm, a bit humid, but just heavenly. i asked to be the stroke that time, because i had never been the stroke. and also because i was paired with that one guy whom i despise because his technique is just so bad and i refuse to copy his rhythm. so i that time wanted to force him for once be considerate and attentive himself! because in theory, everybody is supposed to follow the stroke! in theory!!! but no: the three other people in the boat just did whatever they thought was right. of course, i shouldn't complain, since all of us are beginners. but like... some more than others. and it appears to me that certain people don't even try to change their patterns. but i knew i did very well. first, because it felt very good and right, second, because our cox told me so!! i felt so validated. it was comparable to hearing "you're a pleasure to have in class". hehehe. and yeah in fact one piece of advice that the cox had given me was to open the blades earlier. and that really changed something in my brain and the way i rowed. it was magical haha.

after rowing i was sweaty, happy and satisfied. i went home to quickly change and grab my book. i then proceeded to read another one franzen's essays.

coming back home aroun 9.30pm i felt as if i could not have possibly perfomed better that day. i went to uni, read, ate healthy, cleaned the house, took care of myself, was kind - only so much that i can do. i for once was satisfied and proud of myself.

---

for some reason though i could just not fall asleep. it was humid and warm. i lied awake, scrolling on here and chatting with js. at some point in the night i recieved a text from one of my corridor mates of my dorm. that boy asked "i am curious about your living situation??" i answered "why??" because like, what the heck is this your business? well, i told him how i am temporarily living with that old gentleman to take care of him and whilst doing so am subletting my room. i told him that everything should be fine because the people that live there are good and tidy people and i wanted to nicely tell that guy "mind your own god damn business!!!". of course, i get it. if they see people moving in and out, within 4 months it has been three people now, they begin to wonder. but like... it's a god damn dormitory, not a luxury apartment building. the credo should be "live and let live" and don't fucking get into each others businesses. that boy's audacity just made me so angry that i could not sleep until 5am the next day. because i was actually worrying! those stupid nosy people could possibly snitch on me! because the way i am subletting is illegal. i coudl do it legally, but that would require a minimum of three months. and i just don't know how life will be in three months for me. and i cannot afford possibly being homeless in this town. and the worst and most absurd of it all: for about a decade things were chill and nice in that corridor. i know that through b. who had lived there for almost all this time. (yeah it sounds much, but like you must know he did his phd and was still living there the years after when he was in the process of publishing (which he still is lol...)). so, all those years people were living and minding their own businesses. when b. and me were living there together those one and a hald years, certainly it was the best time ever. the kitchen (our only common room) was always free, completly for us to use. but when b. moved out, times changed radically. after all this time it was the first time that there was a big generational change. 6 (out of 11) people had moved out shortly after another. that time, it was august of last year, it was before i followed b. to the us for the first time, the time we had broken up actually. i was going insane. i was sick of all the untidyness, of all the things laying around that absolutely belonged to nobody. so i radically cleaned and threw out everything. not only did i clean, no i also invested into decorating and just making it a nice common room. i spent hours into doing all that. and i knew that in all those years nobody else had ever cared to take care of that room like this. but i didn't care, i just wanted to have a restart, to finally be able to have a space worth spending time in, also for the new generation to come. and so i sacrificed myself willingly and happily....

what i could have never expected is how unbelievably ungrateful and disrespectful the people of the new generation would be. that is mostly because all of them were freshmen, for all of them it is the first time living on their own, and many of them are economics students... i have never met, or rather also had to live among, such obnoxious and absolutely brainless and naive people. i could not hide the way i thought of them. they realised i didn't vibe with them, because we just have nothing in common. so what happened is that they befriended each other, regularly hosts parties in that kitchen (which had not happened in all those years) and percieved me as being overly strict and annoying (for trying to enforce the upkeeping of the cleanliness that i so kindly had made possible). well and now those new people are the ones that tell ME that what i am doing is weird and wrong! how fucking dare they? how do they think they are? where do they think they live and whom do they think they are talking to? how inconsiderate and stupid can people actually be? and the worst part: before, this corridor consisted of mostly international people. now all of them are my fellow countrymen. and because they are young, dumb, spoiled and naive they have no clue about life, kindness and consideration. unfortunately my countrymen are horribly rule-obiding and narrow in their thinking. it is unbelievable to me that even the young and dumb have internalised this to this extent that whilst being young and disobbeying, they are just dumb, but still obeying. how fucking lame and brain dead can you possibly become? i hate my countrymen and this stupidity. this urge to denounce each other and the lack of comeraderie. i mean: we are of one kind! we are students, we are poor, there is a housing crisis in this town. are you seriously threatenting me with snitching? for fucking what. i am living in the living room of a old man. i am not even earning extra money with subletting the room... i am actually so sad and disappointed by how those people can be so cruel to get into my business like that. i wish they knew how happy they should be that i am not currently living with them because if i did i would complain about the shit they do constantly. i am so sad that i get intimidated by those stupid, spoiled brats. international people would never act like this. they stick together. help each other! in the dorm y. lives in there is one room where 5 pakistani men live together. y. lives just next to them and he said that in the night he hears them talk to their families. but he does not even comlain about it! he deals with it! because who is he to snitch? who is he to complain? that's how life is as a student! deal with it!... all of those thoughts in my head, i could just not fall asleep. i was anxious, angry and disappointed.

well, when i woke up, i had overslept both my seminars. it was around noon and my throat was sore. my dreams had been horrible and confusing. my day had not even started and i had already disappointed myself. anyway i thought "let's make the most of it. let's get out of bed, read and be disciplined." so i went to the café and read a bit. at some point i decided to call my mother for once to ask her about the best strategy as to how to deal with those intrusive nosy people. i had described the whole situation to her and she basically said "make them regret that they ever wanted you back". because when in two weeks js. wil arrive, i will also spend more time in that room. perhaps though i should not be too radical, but somehow try to even be diplomatic and befriend them again somehow... it will be a challenge!!...

anyway. having somewhat felt comfortable sharing that story with my mother i made the mistake of telling her more than just that. i additionally told her how happy i am and how well i am doing. how disciplined i am and how much j. likes me living with him. how i am so passionate about certain topics i am reading about right now and how i might be considering making those topics a field of my research one day. because i had always dreamt of working in academia. for me personally i have never questioned doing a phd. it is something i long for, not for the sake of the title, no. but for the sake of the research!.. so i told my mother all of this... and instead of being happy for me or congratulating me for my accomplishments, for feeling so satisfied... what she said was "well, but you cannot always be living like this. you know, you will at some point have to have "a real job" and actually earn money. having opened my heart to her, having put myself in the most vulnerable position sharing my hopes and dreams with her i felt crushed, destroyed. it was the worst thing she could have possibly said. i could not believe my situation. i started crying and complaining to her. i got agitated and just so incredibly disappointed. i defended myself saying that all i am doing is working, cleaning, studying, reading and living an extremly minimalist and parsiomnic lifestyle and how other people my age are doing bullshits, partying, doing drugs and wasting their money and time (which i personally don't even think is bad when you are young. that's what being young is for god damn! it's just not for me really!). i said how i could not possibly do better right now and how damn ungrateful she is for not appreciating all of that. and then i ended the call and just sobbed... and the situation managed to even get worse:

having that call, that lasted 50 minutes in total, i was sitting in the café. to be particular in the outside area of it. it was not a beautifully warm and sunny day as the day before. in fact, it was cold and rainy. so when i initially sat outside, i was the only person sitting there. after some time one woman sat just next to me. eventually two other people joined that woman, they knew each other. they were white wealthy people in their sixties i'd say. two women, one man. when i got agitated and started crying i could tell that those people were bothered by it already. but i was busy fighting with my mother, so at that time i did not do anytihng about it. just when i finished that call i was actually as kind and brave as to approach those people and said "well, sorry i was a bit loud, but i have existential problems right now". and instead of being understanding or even trying to calm me down (i was literally sobbing...) the man of the group kindly said "well, but you don't need to be having your existential problems here!!!". i could not believe it!!!! how fucking heartless can you be? i told him "look, i sat here first and i did not decide to be having those problems right now". then he said "well, but now be fucking quiet already." he repeated "be quiet already!!!" i attempted to defend myself saying "look, i approached you to genuinely excuse for having bothered you..." and he just shushed me and said "it is enough noww!!!! be quiet!!" -

i tried to hold it for a moment but i blasted into uncontrollable tears. this whole interaction had actually hurt me more than the interaction with my mother. because i knew my mother. i knew how she is like and i knew it was my mistake sharing details about my life and my plans with her. she is not educated, she is not well behaved, she is no academic. she has no clue about those things. however though, those strangers sitting next to me in the rainy outside space of the café. those strangers that witnessed all of the disappointing things i shared with my mother. witnessed me defending myself to her. witnessed me being broken, sitting alone and crying. a god damn young girl sitting in front of her laptop and book. those same strangers decided to be heartless and bothered and treat me like i was not a human being deserving understanding. my sould broke from that. i stood up went to the opposite side of the street and sat down on the ground of that square the café is facing. on the dirty ground. and since i could not make sense of it all and felt as lonely as perhaps never before i explained all of what had just happened to me to js. in a long voice message in which i sounded like the worst idiot sobbing. i sat there for about 20 minutes. i could not stop crying.

at some point i went inside the café, into the bathroom to sort myself. it didn't really work out that well, just temporarily. i grabbed my things from the table beside those people who were now happily chatting with each other because i had gone. i ordered another coffee and sat down inside. the girl taking my order could sense i was broken. i could tell. i took my coffee and attemped to distract myself by reading the last 50 pages of the book. but there was no way. i kept crying, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face making it incredibly hard to read. i sat there for one and a half hours like that. i did not once stop crying. eventually i finished the book. it gave me something. all kinds of thoughts in my head. and the thought that in the end gave me somewhat of hope and strength was what will always be there are books to read and ways to educate myself. and even if my mother does not believe in my career and strangers treat me like a piece of shit i will still follow the path that i chose for myself. and with that in mind and the thought of being able to buy the next book to read once i finish the current one - i made it. i left the café and directly went to the book store. the big one. i carefully looked at all the books available on sociology and politics. i decided for a collection of essays by a professor of poltiical science about migration and integration. she herself has migrated to this country and i had recently read a paper by her. it was also a recent publication so i was very happy. i picked myself up, took my bike and headed home to redo my make-up and eat something in order to be able to show up at work at 7pm.

when i had arrived at 6, j. was in the piano room having his weekly digital meditation session with b. what perhaps i have not mentioned yet, or at least not often, is that j. actually is a a benedictinian oblate. in the same church actually that charles taylor is also part of. actually, j. had even met him before... however, that's the reason he meditetates very regularly and often together with other people. when b. was still living in this country - at this time j.'s health was better as well - every friday we would gather at the same chapel to meditate together. it was amazing... ok but me still being very weak i was happy j. was busy and was also in somewhat of a hurry. i ate and got ready. whene i was ready, j. and b. had just finished meditating and j. called me into the piano room to say hi to b. what j. did in fact not know that time was firstly how horrible i was feeling and secondly that b. and me had not talked in a week, because we had a fight last weekend. it started in the most silly and unimportant way but in my opinion b. went too far and treated me just so condescendingly, patronisngly and arrogantly that i decided it was enough. i had told him that if he writes me a good and genuine mail acknowledging his mistakes and bad treatment i would unblock him and would only then be willing to continue our friendship. up until this moment that j. had called me into the room b. had actually not done so... but of course i did not let him know. what i did let both of them know in this moment was how bad my day had been and what had happende to me. i did so, because j. specifically asked about my day. and i shared those things in a very brief manner. i only did it, because i knew both those men would be able to relate and understand my situation. because both those men had been foreigners in this country and had suffered a lot from the ways my country-men treat each other and especially foreigners... being heartless and not giving a shit about each other certainly is a quality that is commonly known to be a thing of my country-men... but yeah, sharing this story i again began to cry. but i was in a rush. and i had just redone my make-up. so i concluded: "perhaps i actually have to feel pity for them not being able to be kind, or perhaps happy that seemingly those people have never had life being gruesome to them, perhaps i should also be happy for my pain, because i will go sure to never become like those people". i was thinking out loud saying those words and actually - it was a great conclusion and lesson from that horrible experience.

could i at this point in time have expected my day to possibly even become worse??... probably not. but that's what happened:

so i went to the theatre. i was covering the shift that checks the tickets. it's the easiest and most chill thing to do ever. and it was also just two hours. the first hour of which i basically had nothing to do, because it is only about ten minutes before the play starts that we let people inside of the theatre hall. exactly this being my task. until then i chatted with the guy managing the bar (the one that is so nice and chill and who had said he missed me while i was in the us) and read my book. i was rather content. and also trying to avoid interaction with the girl covering the box office shift at all cost. she was one of the people who had complained about me to our boss. when i had come back from the us in the beginning of april that was the first thing that happened: my boss ordering to talk to me in person, sharing how several people had complained about me being "arrogant"!!!!!! that experience having extremly thrown me off and confused totally, i was now incredibly insecure about who exactly had had what reason to dislike me. because i could just not make sense of it. so my strategy was avoidance....

unfortunately though there is one moment where i have to interact with the box office shift. it is when i have closed the doors of the theatre hall, i have to report the exact time of when i have done so to her... that evening the guy managing the stage tech was a very inexperienced and to be honest stupid one. he kept activating the sound of the gong that indicates that people should go inside of the hall. normally the stage tech people do it twice of three times, but shortly before the play was supposed to start he just kept doing it because he was impatient and wanted me to close the door at all costs. it's just that we are strictly instructed to only close the doors at 8pm sharp. not earlier than that, even if everybody is already sitting on their seats. which in this case has been the case for 5 minutes already... me cringing by him activating the gong over and over again (because it just confuses people!) i dared to close the doors at 7:59 already. i went to the box office to report. but the girl didn't even let me talk, when i arrived, she said "honey, it was only 7:59"... me being not in the mood at all to be called "honey" having had the worst day in a damn long time i replied "well, maybe for once we are not as exact about things and you simply write down 8pm for now". i was just so annoyed that i was not possible to have one normal exchange with this girl. and the worst thing is that technically she was right. of course, i know that we are supposed to close at 8pm, i am not stupid. but damn, who gives a shit?! why even make it a big deal. and who do you think you are calling me fucking "honey"?!

being angry, and very insecure about whether for that she would again complain to my boss about me i wanted to be the first to complain and reported the interaction to my boss. i wrote him a long text about what happened, why i did what i did, how i felt treated condescendingly by that girl and how i myself think it's childish of me to report to him, but how i also feel treated unfairly. i just did not want to again be in a situation where i would be unprepared and defenseless. where i would just have to accept being called arrogant or perhaps misbehaving! i was not god damn misbehaving! that girl made a big deal out of something that should not even be a big deal. and the way she approached me is not how i want to be talked to. i was just so incredibly annoyed by this unnessary interaction. again: the brainless urge of my countrymen to stick to the rules. brainless for fucks sake! anyway though, i distracted myself reading and chatting with the bar guy. he always lifts me up.

after my shift was done at around 9.30 i for once not escaped the theatre by riding my bike, but by only pushing it, because i reported what had happened to js. me being slow and only walking the bar guy on his way to his other restaurant that is in walking distance to the theatre caught up on me. and we walked together for some time. us now finally being outside the theatre i was free to tell him about this bad dynamic between me and the girl. and how i had been scolded about misbehaving for being "arrogant" to my coworkers. he was completely shook. he said "arrogant?? you are the oposite" and i was like "yes!!! that's what i thought". i opened my heart to him saying how i think those people working with me have apparently never worked a real job before, because our job is just the easiest thing to do and how it was a miracle to me how they, despite that, still keep complaining about our working conditions! like, we basically get paid to sit there and chit chat with people. and the bar guy agreed. he said "yes!!! i always wonder how you guys complain, there is nothing that you ever do". and he is just right.

well, that somewhat made my day good again. i rode my bike home through the night my spotify favourites playlist on shuffle. and what song starts playing? "that's life" by frank sinatra. i had not reminded liking that song on spotify, nor had i remembered ever paying attention to the lyrics. but i sure did at that point. it was ironic and absurd how well this song summarised the hell of a day i had had. i was severly broken and disappointed. but i still was happy. i started crying tears of gratefulness. for being able to cycle home to j. and to continue with my life.

when i got home i put a pizza in the oven and sat down in the kitchen waiting for it. soon j. got home. he was in a good mood. he was just having dinner with his wife. he sat down by the kitchen table. i brought him a beer. in this moment i realised there was one open question about the situation i had shared with him in the afternoon: he had wondered what the fight with my mother had been about in first place. and so i told him, how i simply intended to share with my mother how happy i am nowadays. i said "i think i have not been as happy in years actually". and that just made him so happy. it was a very wholesome admission of mine. j. thought i was exaggerating. but i really was not... it was the best and most uplifting way to end this horrible day.

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some conclusionary thoughts:

those two days served as a big and important lesson to me. it showed me what people i can rely on, what people lift me up, how i can lift myself up and how the most important thing will always be to be kind, understanding and human. and the most interesting thing had just happened around half an hour ago when i was sitting exactly where i am sitting right now: in my café on a sofa writing all of this down. the book i had bought laying in next to my laptop. the guy who had sat next to me on the other sofa before leaving the café approaching me to ask about the book. i was annoyed somewhat, because i supposed he wanted to flirt or whatever. he wanted to know private information, like where i was from what i am studying etc. perhaps just doing small talk. perhaps i was just too fucking paranoid. but i stayed friendly and nice. i answered the questions very vaguely and when he wanted to know about the book i said it is about how people get treated unfairly in this country he wanted to know "well... what is the solution?" i said "hm.. good question." i really did not want to give a pretentious politically loaded statement, so i simply said "i guess, to be friendly and kind". to which he replied "yes, to be human in fact". and that was the end of our interaction.

i really don't want to be the kind of person to believe in "signs" but that was as much of a sign as it could have possibly be, even if "signs" did not exist. to illustrate how unlikely this whole interaction was to happen, i want to emphasise that here in this country people normally do not approach other people like that. you mind your own business really. it has never happened to me before in this café. and i go here almost every single day.

another thing i want to mention before i wrap this up:

i am the opinion that women should stick together. women as well as poor students. i do not want to have a dispute with my coworker. we could possibly even be friends. we study the same course, both of us passionate about social justice, politics, literature and law. i have attempted several efforts to be friendly to her ever since i work at the theatre but it has always failed. i think it is envy that makes her act those ways. envy because people like me in the theatre. and i mostly mean our guests and, well, then there's also the actors themselves and the director. literally just yesterday when letting people inside of the theatre hall one of the actors who is not involved in this particular play decided to go watch it. so he was in the foyer in the break with all the other guests. when i ended the break and let people in again, he approached me saying "look, i really have to tell you how you are just such a beautiful human". i got very happy... and then there is also the fact that i had this short term relationship with a. that that girl apparently also got to know about... and it's not that i am so uniquely beautiful, i think i am really average looking. in this town here there are so many so incredibly pretty girls, i am really nothing special. like, seriously! but apparently i have something about me that people like. perhaps it's charme. whatever! i can definitely tell that some women treat me weirdly for no reason at all. and i feel it's such a shame. in fact, i have no girl-friends (but my bsf who lives in oslo) (i mean i actually don't really have any friends other than js. and b. lol), but i would die to have girl-friends.

or i would die just to be treated with casual kindness. like a damn human being. feeling that well as a white, able bodied, normal and well dressed young woman i do not even want to imagine what i would be treated as an obvious foreigner, homeless, disabled, or just somewhat slightly "not normal" person. all i should really learn from my latest experiences and the books i have been reading on polarisation, migration and integration recently all lead to this one simply lesson: "be kind. be human!".

i am grateful for those experiences.