Digital Diary - Tumblr Posts
I feel hardened in a kind of concerning way. like my softness has evaporated from inside me and just left a hard crunchy shell in its place. one with no warmth or kindness. and it’s quite jagged and pointy as well and cuts people when I just move past them in an effort to not interact with them, and I just end up hurting them anyway. I was sorry, I wasn’t trying to be this way. I was just trying to not be any way, I was trying to avoid pain but I just ended up causing it. I mourned the loss of my golden shiny warmth of energy my fire had been put out but I was finding my matches, I was grasping in the dark for my lighter. all I knew about myself, who I am, was my shine. and now it felt like it was gone again, and all that’s left is a shell. you can’t give much with just a shell, there’s nothing inside. when I look in my eyes I look like I’ve already died inside and there’s somehow a lag in time and my body hasn’t caught up yet. but I was looking for my lighter. I would get myself relit if it was the last thing I did.
i envied those born into families with hands holding lit lighters all around them, constantly nursing and blowing and encouraging their flames. they took over the world with their wildfires. they glowed from within and seemed to have never faced the darkness. i envied them so much.
I’m scared of men and I have a crush on nearly all of them They make my stomach flip with just a bit of eye contact How did I never make it past the sixth grade? They could tick none of the boxes But if they have kind eyes and give me a smile I might just concoct a love story It’ll buzz around and tap me on the shoulder I can’t get rid of it Every time they see me Try to be kind, try to make them feel at home But I’m flipping with fear, humming with adoration It’s always the ones with the baggy jeans, the vintage tees, the tattoos and recklessness And you know you’re not good for me Yeah you’re no good for me And I’m better now But we can still be friends I have to try my best and fight this little mind of mine But we can be friends Yeah we’ll be good friends
i wish i could go through life without needing to speak
like a model, an enigma, someone who wisped in and out of rooms
i could focus all my energy on cultivating a persona
speaking with my scarves, coats, dresses, and gentle smiles
but it wouldn’t do, i was looked at strangely when words didn’t flow easily through teeth
i was the odd man out by way of silence
i had to have opinions, a certain garishness, to prove my humanity
to prove i’m not one of those girls
who sits still, quietly
and aren’t people enough
pretty little liars & gilmore girls 🙏🏼
Gonna dump this stream of consciousness here…. If you read this, you are a gem. I love all of you beautiful souls on here and want to start sharing more personal content…
I had the best weekend visiting a beloved friend in NYC who I hadn’t seen in 2 years. She is one of the coolest and most beautiful people I have ever met, and I miss her a lot of the time. We roomed together in college. As a pretty extreme introvert, it was such a gift to live with someone whose presence was actually as welcome and comfortable to me as my own usually is.
She stayed by my side during a season where I lost so many friendships I had cherished during a dark period of my life around the pandemic, where I had strayed so far from my deepest values. Out of every poor decision I’ve ever made, one that I made that year is something I’d do anything to take back. I will always be grateful for her loyalty and (undeserved) grace.
She is one of the most forgiving, open-hearted people I know. Fun, bright, driven, generous, caring, creative, confident, up-to-the-minute, adventurous, independent, gorgeous, and cool… It’s a weird thing to say about my best friend for whom I’ve only ever felt profound respect and platonic love for, but I would love to have a partner or wife like her one day.
I finally came out to her this weekend, and she was so supportive. We went to a lesbian bar (my first time at one), had an amazing time (didn’t expect people to hit on me because I’m so femme I look straight & felt ecstatic when some breathtaking women did!), and stayed out all night. I live in the burbs, and I sometimes wonder how my life would be in a city.
I ended up drinking alcohol for the first time in 3 years, 2 months, and 20 days. I don’t regret either long-term sobriety or choosing to end it. I’d never go back to daily drinking, and while I definitely had a problem, I refrained for long enough to limit it to social occasions now (which are almost never for me, lol). Drinking is fun for a night, but being sober is so life-giving.
I see the AA mentality (once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic) as offensively limited, deterministic, and dualistic. There is a lot more nuance with human behavior, so I believe finding balance is possible in most cases.
I know this is getting long, but I think part of the reason M is in my life is to open my heart. I have so much fear-based guardedness & my life is so damn comfortable (living at home… as thankful as I will always be for my parents’ generosity, I miss out on a lot). She reminds me that there’s a whole world beyond my small bubble and that some risks are worth it.
She was raised in another country, and she’ll get married soon- there for sure and hopefully here, too. Traveling is not my thing (Saturn in the 3rd house makes travel tough for me… I know that’s more about short-distance, but long-distance is unappealing to me, too). Yet, we shook on it that I’d do it for her. There’s no one else I would consider leaving US soil for, lol.
Anyway, I’ll be 30 in October and need to think hard about where I want to be in 5 years. I am terrified of becoming more independent (my phobia of driving on highways and such & apprehensions about living alone in some city), but I know I’ll finally have the financial capacity to do so after grad school. I’m considering moving to a city then…
i wanted this to be aesthetic but my mug is literally a minecraft mug
hi y’all, i’m addy! i’m 18 about to start my first year of university. i’ve always kept a tumblr but never really posted before.
i’ve decided i’ll use this as a sort of digital journal/ thought dump :))
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here are some things you should know about me:
oldest sister of five little siblings. favorite color is pink. i love gardening, reading, and writing to pass time. anything girly, i’m there; shopping, makeup, cooking/baking, sewing, i love it all! i live in a small town so my favorite outings include visiting the creek or any of the five dollar generals in my county.
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also, and this is a big one, talk to me!!! i love getting dms and talking with ppl, so message me!
love y’all, bye!!!
🫖🧸🌷
you know what can we pretty please make it respectable to be a bright, bubbly, loving, ray-of-sunshine girl bc i am tired of pretending to be disinterested with the beautiful world around me to be seen as equal to a man
my emotional vulnerability does not negate my ability to be an effective learner/leader, it enhances my scope of understanding
please with a cherry on top let’s quit acting like positivity, hope, love, and joy are not just as effective catalysts for change as hatred, pessimism, and abrasiveness.
xoxo,
a girl who is tired of this bull honkey
Stats
Height: 5 foot
Age: 20 y/o
Anyone that make triggering/Hateful comment towards someone else body will get blocked. I’m not promoting hate in anyway.
TW open to your own risk
CW: 162lbs
GW1: 140lbs
GW2: 120lbs
Inspo/Goal:
dead on the street
I severely dread grocery shopping. It reminds me of how I am a living being that must take care of itself. Even when my mind is clear as can be (which, frankly, isn't very), grocery shopping generates so many useless thoughts that don't stop bouncing around my skull like pissed off ping pong balls. That's too many calories. That's not enough protein. You can't justify that much money, you'll never even eat it. That expires in less than two weeks, it'll kill you. Those people just watched you stare at sliced cheese for five and a half minutes. Why don't you just get the same thing as always? You're sick of it already? Of course you are. Don't get that, you won't even cook it. You hate cooking. No, you won't cook it, and you know that. You're too lazy. No chips. No chocolate. You can't spend $6 on a gallon of iced coffee, but you can spend $10 a day each morning at Dunkin'. No, you won't eat that. Go ahead, put it in your basket, it'll sit in the fridge for the next eight months. And so on.
I left Target with less money and somehow even less confidence. A wave of utter upset hit me as I sat in my car. But drive I must.
The drive down a smooth road rimmed with foliage and the sound of my current favorite songs wash away the upset for a few minutes. Up ahead on the bend, I see a bird flutter down from the greenery, and swoop under the car about 30 yards ahead of me. The car does not break or swerve, as they probably didn't even see it. But then the car passed, and left behind was the bird. Belly-up. Flapping its wings but getting nowhere. Suddenly, seconds turned to minutes. There were no oncoming cars, so I respectfully drove around the victim. I moved back to the right side of the road, and slowed, looking wide-eyed into my rear-view mirror. There it was, still laying on its back, flapping its wings. I slowed more, and started to pull off the road. But within seconds, I made the decision not to stop.
I continued driving. In just one second, I thought of all my options. If I pull off, it might be dangerous for me. I'm clumsy, and I don't trust other drivers not to hit me. If I picked it up, I couldn't take it home. I'd want to. But there's nothing there for the bird, its late in the evening, and I can't afford a vet bill, and I have no idea how to care for it. I could put it on the side of the road. But it's already got one wing in the grave. The chances of a predator coming for it are higher than ever. If it doesn't die from the complications of the impact, a larger animal is sure to eat it. And I feared I would end up sitting on the side of the road with this bird for the rest of its life. I would, if I could. If I could abandon all reason I'd run off with the bird, heal it, and live in the woods with it. But I'm going 40 miles per hour down a two lane road with no shoulder or side walk. So I keep driving.
And to think, I get so worked up about grocery shopping. If that bird's life was so precious, I would have helped it. If my life weren't so precious, I'd leave it. If we were equals, there would be no hypotheticals. Hours later, I'm still wondering who's life is worth more: a robin that was hit by a car, or a 21-year-old teenager that can't figure out how to take care of herself.
chest pains
Each time I slip through the cracks, I wonder if its my last. The one I can't come back from. Or the one that will take a large medical bill in order to do so. I can't keep it under wraps. I get torn up inside. It's that chest pain of anxiety and despair, that makes you wish for a peaceful death right on the spot. The one that makes you think, "maybe medication can't fix this one." All of my options flash by like a slot machine. Too fast to pinpoint or describe. But I don't like any of them. And maybe if I were sane or motivated I would. But I'm not. The slot machine entrances me like an alien abduction, rendering any shred of motivation or sanity useless.
The seemingly infinite void of the future hurts to think about. But so does mortality. So I've decided life is a purgatory. Happiness? Oh, please. The complexities of the human brain are endless, just like time. And we mortals sit here and watch it pass. But at the same time it moves too fast. But also it drowns us. Purgatory. All of it, at the same time, unending, and we must navigate it. How? How is this normal? Acceptable? How do people do it? How do people walk around without thinking about death, uncertainty, being a horrible person, so on? Maybe that's just me. I'll try to ignore the chest pains.
i have not forgotten yours.
Intro !!
˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖ 𐙚 ˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖
Hai! My name is Snghyps! This is my digital diary ❀˖° I am a girl and go by she/her. I like anime, manga, manhua, kpop, and other things. My fav groups are NewJeans and ENHYPEN (Hanni and Sunghoon stan). I love Jujutsu Kaisen, Death Note, and shoujos aswell. I love all things pink and cute!! I would love to make lots of friends! ₊˚⊹♡