Theatre - Tumblr Posts
Niche but Irina from "three sisters" by Anton Chekhov???
untitled no. 17
i just want to scream. i don’t have words. trying to figure out songwriting when i no longer write like i used to.
“chronic: can last for years or be lifelong.”
little snippets from middle school and lives that no longer exist, at least the way they used to.
picked up a guitar again, started carrying stickers and a white lighter with me wherever i go.
i am growing into a sad child.
its a shitty collage of words, it forms a picture but it’s not a pretty one.
and yet i can’t put my finger on what makes me sad and empty, which is perhaps what sets me apart from people who are just sad.
thirty feet below me are theatre kids projecting their shitty transatlantic accents out to an old theatre with nasty orange seats. i can't understand what they're saying but the audience laughs occasionally. something interferes with my headset and buzzes data indecipherable to me.
i’m laying, staring up past the black light into the ropes of our single purchase system, contemplating the consequences of climbing a little higher and falling a little farther.
it follows me everywhere.
or maybe i drag it with me without even realizing it. like we’re chained up, unsure, terrified, unwilling to know what life is like without it.
(i make it so obvious for anyone with any clue about me. i wonder what you think about it.)
Romeo and Juliet
a/n: pls just ignore however incorrect my references and lines and actions to the play are, i found the scripts but im just kinda clueless <3
summary: you and draco are cast as romeo and juliet for drama class.
warnings: none?
word count: 468.
“God, this is stupid,” mutters Draco from across the room.
“I’m not too keen on it either, but we should just shut up and start,” you say back.
“Positions! Where’s my Romeo and Juliet?” calls Professor Trelawney.
Theatre class had seemed fun at first, and if it wasn’t, it would just be a place to slack off, but Professor Trelawney disagreed. From lesson 2, she started drilling lines and potential plays into your class. The only reason you didn’t start in your first lesson was because she misplaced her glasses. They were on top of her hair, but no one told her that.
"Come on, you two!” hollers Trelawney. “We can all turn away when you kiss,” with that, you hear the rest of your class laugh, and you feel like melting away. God, this was embarrassing.
You look up to find Draco already looking at you, and he nods towards the stage.
Ugh. you shudder. Kissing Draco Malfoy. Maybe if you hadn’t fallen out all those years ago, you two would be laughing about it, joking how Draco, of all people, was your first kiss, but instead, there was tension, everywhere.
No one but your best friend Daphne knew you hadn’t been kissed yet, but you knew that you would be interrogated at lunch since she was in the room watching.
“Fine. Whatever,” you whisper to yourself. “Just get on stage and kiss him. Quick. Whatever, it’s fine. Whatever!” your convincing doesn’t really work.
You and Draco walk onto the stage, and you clear your throat.
“Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake,” you move closer to Draco. You see him visibly swallow, his adam's apple bobbing.
“Then move not,” he says. “While my prayer’s effect I take,”
Then he crashes his lips onto yours, and the feeling is indescribable. How long were you supposed to kiss for? 3 seconds? 33 seconds? Who cared. Not you.
You were so enveloped in this euphoric feeling coursing through your veins, the warmth in your body, and Draco’s arm snaking around your waist that it took several throat-clearings from your professor for you two to break apart.
“Ahem! Well, Mr Malfoy, Ms Y/l/n, that was spectacular! Bravo, bravo!” Trelawney launches into enthusiastic clapping and the rest of the class, albeit unenthusiastically joins in (with the exception of Daphne, who’s smiling and wiggling her eyebrows, and some of Draco’s friends. Blaze is winking at Draco and Theo Nott is giving him the most “I-told-you-so!” smirk you’ve ever seen). You see Draco roll his eyes and subtly flip them off, which makes them laugh harder.
Oh no. You had totally forgotten. Play? First kiss? In front of your entire theatre class?
“The chemistry!” Trelawney gasps. “The chemistry was divine, darlings, well done! Should we do it again?”
Lord spare me.
Fun Writing Challenge!!! Brought to you by a ✨Theatre Kid✨
Now, for clarification, I’ve done this multiple times, but it has been with multiple people and under a time limit, something I’m aware may be stressful or difficult for some people, so adjust as needed.
So I’m currently a part of a theatre troupe and every year we do a couple of cabaret/vaudeville type shows to bring in some extra cash for little cost plus fun for us actors! It’s a mix of songs and skits, the songs are all from musicals but the scenes are written and directed by the actors themselves. It’s fun, we all have a great time, hallelujah. Anyways, our director/supervisor in charge of this event has participated in a few 24-hour playwriting challenges in her time and decided to give us, her wonderful actors, a similar challenge. It goes as follows:
At the beginning of the show as the audience is walking in there are several props and costumes on stage as well as several lists. The audience is informed that they get to vote on a few things. Once the show begins, the votes are tallied up and handed to the writers in the back. Out of the tallies, we are given the top 3 costumes, top 3 props, the top setting, and the top line of dialogue to create a scene with. We are then given approximately an hour (really it’s just however long the show is) to write a scene, cast it, and block it. At the end of the show, we print out the scripts, get into costume, and perform it for the audience. I just did it for the 4th and final time (moving for work) and had a blast!
It took a lot of trial and error to work at some of the kinks in the process. We originally had 3 lines of dialogue that were personally suggested by the audience and pulled out of a hat, but that led to a lot of trolling and directed the outcome of the scenes a little too much for our liking. We also had a much larger writing group the first few times which made the process far more chaotic and distracting than we had time for. However, that’s the fun part: there is no set rules to this challenge, you can manipulate the general premise to fit whatever works best for you and your resources, but it also helps get you out of your head and takes away some of the pressure of making those big decisions or worrying about the smaller details. Have fun with it!!!
I just wanted to share it here because 1. I had fun and I hope others will too and 2. I think Tumblr polls could make this so fun and chaotic for a creator to do with their audience. Enjoy, Tumblrinas, go wild!
☆ The Marvelous Commedia dell’Arte ☆
Love letters.
I'm just going back from the performance and can say it was truly healing, truly what I needed. Because I'm in my solitude all the time, don't have an intimate conversation with anyone. But this play was exactly like the most sincere intimate conversation. Heart to heart.
With love,
Lisa
No comment. Just reblogging beautiful people from broadway
JOANNA "JOJO" LEVESQUE as SATINE and DEREK KLENA as CHRISTIAN
MOULIN ROUGE! THE MUSICAL
for @alwaysmorerouge
Hii! because Coraline is now in theatres i thought id make something cus why not☺(i know im late to it coming to theatres) so yea enjoy! if you repost pls mention me!
in the theatre foyer, feb 6 '24
fifty minutes until that play will be perfomed again. quite the whole team is here to help. we haven't perfomed it in almost a year, it requires special technical efforts.
a. just arrived and brought me the high heels i had left at his place a few weeks ago. he had a quick chat with me in the foyer, some guests were already waiting and t. the theatre director was around, so i felt rather uncomfortable. in general, i don't like how most of our colleagues know abour our affair, or what they think is a relationship. i guess a. himself believes this is a relationship. he had just been granted a few days off in march, which he will spend to come visit me in nyc. actually, his mother will be around stopping in the city during her cruise and all of us three will sleep in one hotel room. i find people that do cruises incredibly abhorrent. n.'s, an ex, parents were big fans of cruises as well. i have come to the point where i consider this a red flag. in general, a. is a walking red flag.
his purpose in life is to be an actor and i like his passion for theatre. i mean, i more specifically like the fact that he is passionate for *something* and has managed to make it is occupation. other than that, he is a complete child. spends around 500 euros a month purely for weed, his diet is ridicilously unhealthy, he does not do any sports at all, he has no etiquette whatsoever and probably is the most irresponsible person i know. i am more revolted by him than attracted to him. the only reason i enjoy his company is the fact that i feel protected by him, in a physical way. i also like to be together with one of the actors. often i feel somewhat like a spy, i want to know all the inside knowledge, all the details. i like to know things and to be involved. i feel like i use him but i don't feel too guilty about it.
still in the foyer
on friday y. and me depart to the capital. it will be his first real trip after coming here from his home country.
he studies maths, i study political science and law. we met through bumble. i am his only match on the app! this is just because we are living in a small city and people here are boring and , though they pretend to be progressive, tolerant and diverse, still very much have racist prejudices. y. is the most amazing person i met throughout the past months. he is dedicated in his studies, a passionate reader, a movie nerd, a history buff, a feminist and the best lover i ever had. you could really describe him as "written by a woman". i am sure what we have will not lead to a relationship, but i am looking forward to being in touch with him in whatever way, may it be as lovers or just friends. he is just a pleasure to have around.
on sunday i will travel to my hometown, sleep there, and in the early morning of monday ride to the airport from where i depart to nyc. i will live with my ex b. who is a postdoc in law at an ivy league uni at the eastcoast. we will live together in his dorm for about two months. i will audit classes, read, catch up on my own uni work, try to find some cash job and help in the organization i did an internship at last summer.
currently i am living with j., an old english gentleman who is rather displaced in this town. he used to be a professor for linguistics, has recently become an oblate, is incredibly knowledgable and despite his age witted and charming. it truly is an honour to be around him. i have a girl living in my dorm room for the next months, meaning i will save the money i would otherwise spend for rent. in general, i am trying not to spend much money anymore. what i spend money for is mostly just coffee, bagels and occasionly shopping sprees. the latter i am ready to cut down on. coffee and bagels are the luxury i want in my life though.
the theatre
in september of 2021 i moved from my home town to the city i study in.
the first three months are a chapter i shall dedicate it's own post to. in general it is to be explained that for one year i did not actually study, i was only enrolled in uni for enjoying the benefits of being a student (it was because i had missed an important deadline to apply to the course i actually wanted to do). early 2022 my life consisted of living in this wonderful dormitory, working three jobs at the same time and indulging myself into the cultural life of the city as much as possible.
it is one of those student benefits that we can go to the theatre for free, which i really made use of going to the theatre up to 4 times a week. we have about 3 main theatres in this city. the theatre i am talking about is a relativley small (at least compared to the city theatre) private theatre. small in this case describing the ensemble, which only consits of 15 actors in total, 8 of which are under a fulltime contract, the rest just being occasional guest actors.
though the ensemble is small, the repertoire is big, diverse, ever changing and very interesting. this season we are performing 21 different plays! this makes it very popular, even more popular than the big city theatre.
the combination of those factors made it very attractive to me. it felt homey from the beginning on. it made me want to read up on every detail and background information i could get my hands on. i started looking up the actors' backgrounds and read and collected the little booklets they have accompanying each play. this went on until summer, until they went on break. after their break i only went occasionally and in most of 2023 i had kind of forgotten about it, having too many things to do and basically travelling all the time.
in september 2023 though, shortly before i returned back to europe from america i was sitting in this bakery thinking about how my life needs to change when i get back. actually starting the course that i wanted to study in october 2022, i had told myself to want to focus on studying and quit the jobs i had that time. but i ran out of money eventually and really needed a new job. and on that rainy late summer morning in the crowded bakery that reminded me of the bakeries in europe i had the idea to apply to the theatre. they did not officially look for a person, but literally just 5 minutes after i had sent my application i already got an answer inviting me to an interview. my now superior later asked me how i could have possibly known they are looking for somebody and said how my timing was just perfect. he himself, his name is m., had only started at the theatre in september. he is the assistant to the director and the main person handling the bureaucratic issues.
the theatre team consits of following groups of people: the actors obviously, the director and his assistant m., the dramaturgy, the pr, the stage tech guys, the constume people, the restaurateur and the ticket sellers&inspectors, latter group i belong to. we are about 60 people, but on a daily basis you encounter the same 15 people more or less.
it is the ideal job for me who is passionate about literature and theatre and likes to interact with people. almost every time i am working our guests compliment my friendliness or the way i consult them about which play they should watch for example. and it's true, if i want to i can be very charismatic and i definitely know how to make use of that talent... but honestly, this is what i expect us as the main people who our guests get to interact with to be like. unfortunately my colleagues do not seem to share this view, since often they are rude and harsh for no reason. which makes me cringe a lot. but is also a chance for me to stand out. in this rather small town you do not meet people only once, but will eventually encounter them again. therefore it is always good to firstly know and remember people and secondly for them to have a good opinion about you. so far, this kind of thinking has literally given me a job i had once, made it possible for me to be in the us right now or to live with the old gentleman without paying rent.
...
the job itself turning out to be fairly easy and relaxed, i made it my mission to involve myself with as many things i shouldn't be involved in as only a ticket seller as i could. i would for example befriend the stage tech people and spend much time backstage or help the restaurateur as a waitress from time to time when i have nothing else to do. i always see the theatre as a side quest and want to involve myself in some drama (without being negativly affected from it though, but rather just a bystander or spy-like figure). for that i really wanted to get involved with some guys at the theatre. there were several more or less possible candidates:
ja.: one of the stage tech guys, 33, a nerd really, always rather quiet, tall, grunge styled, playing the piano very well. our encounters always being akward but charged with a certain tension... but unfortunately in a relationship;
jü.: his father, one of the fulltime actors, about 65, divorced, very handsome, tall, giving androgynous vibes, with an almost intimidating way of carrying himself, always leaves social gatherings first, an incredible dancer and singer and in general just the ideal lana-del-rey-core strict daddy;
pa.: also around thirty, stage tech guy as well, bit nerdy and chill, just a fun guy, but kinda boring;
m.: around 34, my superior, well educated but kind of confused, fun and dirty minded. but in a longterm relationship;
a.: fulltime actor, 29, chubby in a dad bod way, into alt fashion, stoner, mama's boy, flirty and extravagant, a loud personality really, into partying and drugs much, very much of an idiot and child, but also just a kind and gentle guy., and most importantly: single and therefore obtainable!
the event i had most looked forward to as a chance for drama was the theatre's internal christmas celebration on december 18th. i had even bought a dress for that purpose, it is the red one in this collage. the procedure of things was following: all of us were gathering in the foyer where we also have a small stage. On there several actors and staff members had perfomed christmas themed texts, plays or music pieces. after that was done everybody recieved their christmas money one after the other, handed personally by our main sponsor (one of those many very rich people living in the town). Then, the buffet was opened. everybody was quick to take food, chat a bit with their group of peopple (always only exactly the group of people they themselves belonged to) and then, very soon most people had left.
i was disappointed. i expected there to be possibilites of each groups of people to mix and get to know each other, but nobody seemed interested in that at all. the two highlights keeping people there were the money and the food. non surpringly somehow.
it was only one person who had somewhat made an effort of "putting himself out there". it was a. who sat at the table of the ticket sellers. most of all of us (we are about 8 people) are students that other than this job would have nothing to do with theatre, nor need to have any training for the job that we do, therefore we are always rather outsiders. but yes, a. being by far the youngest of the actors probably felt weird and bored to sit with the 35-70 year old people. i strategically sat down next to him. wearing a parfume i had bought shortly before that i really like and had gotten many compliments for. i was drinking one glass of red wine after the other (yes, alcohol was for free as well!) which itself was great fun for me. he was drinking beer, behaving exactly like the kind of chav the he looks like he is. during the ceremony he commented on things, laughed and applauded loudly. i myself like leaving cynical or naughty comments or references on things, and so i did. we basically were the only people really enjoying ourselves, sitting next to each other we soon began on joking together, it was great fun.
eventually the ceremony had ended, everybody recieved their money, ate some food and most of the staff left. it was only some of the actors and a few of the ticket sellers and the directors and their assistants left. we gathered to dance and drink more. typically i am not a party girl at all, but as it is with everybody, things change after a certain number of drinks.
unfortunately that day nothing else happened. at some point even some of us left and i got bored and felt akward. i just decided to quietly sneak out and walk home rather disappointed.
the melodramatic bitch i am i kept on listening to "margaret" by lana del rey even days after that. the line "the party is december 18" and "when you know you know" kind of fed my delusions of disappointed hope. my longing for excitement had one seemingly last chance left: new year's eve...
new year's eve 23/24
i had dinner a while ago (i ate what i had packed myself in the to go box when b. and me went to the dining hall for lunch), before that i had gone on a bike ride with the wonderful road bike a kind researcher of some postdoc whatsapp group (that once again i had sneaked myself in, being far away from being one myself) lends me during the course of my stay.
and now i am here, once again sitting in a very fancy&old library of this amazing university. b. is away for the weekend leaving me with his card to be able to open doors myself and not needing to sneak into the establishments, which lets me live out my delusion of myself being the one that made it here. however, i had sworn myself to write down my thoughts about recent times as much as i could make time for it. i just feel like i always regret not writing things down if i don't do it, so here we go:
i am continuing to explain the developments after december 18th's christmas' celebration at the theatre. being left disappointed, i had set my hopes to nye and had gone sure to be assigned the shift that works the night. it was a special day at the theatre: we were performing the same play three times. it is based on sartre's "no exit" and requires all 8 fulltime actors to play. the first performance was set at 3pm, the second at 6pm and the third at 10pm with an interruption at midnight for the guests and the team to be able to admire the fireworks outside and celebrate the new year together. just before midnight it was my task to serve champaigne to the people in the theatre hall. then, all of the team members joined the actors on stage to count down... it was a memorable start of 2024 for sure. after the play we offered a buffet. the atmosphere being really happy, exhausted, light hearted i stayed until 2:30am and helped everywhere i could. i had lost track of how many glasses of champaigne i had myself but i was just happy and euphoric. with this mood i rode my bike home expecting to be able to join a house party i was invited to at my dorm. the day before i had specifically asked whether they will be celebrating the whole night to which they agreed.
and of course, when i arrived i could still see those red and blue lights from the outside giving me some hope, but when i entered the kitchen i only found empty bottles and an incredibly dirty kitchen. being drunk and disappointed yet my body decided to lay down on their dirty sofa to cope with the situation and reflect. doing so i inevitably fell asleep for some time, it must have been about an hour when a girl entered the kitchen to help herself to some water i guess. being completly startled feeling caught sleeping on somebody else's kitchen sofa adrenaline rushed into me which induced me to think "this cannot have been it", "i wanted something to happen for so long, i cannot accept my fate". without further ado and almost like a natural logical consequence i sent a. a dm on instagram.
oh, i forgot to mention that after i had gotten home from the christmas party i had followed him to which he instantly added me back and complimented the parfume and dress i was wearing. which i did not allow to lead to further conversation because at that time i still thought he was in a relationship, which changed when just on the evening of new year's i had asked somebody about to which they responded he was in an open relationship. (which was false infromation as well, since he is simply single) allowing me to finally give it a shot...
so i had sent him this message and again he promptly responded and invited me to join him at this bar/club. i jumped on my bike, freezing and still quite drunk questioning my whole life but also ready for whatever would be coming. and lots was to come i could not even imagine to...
i had arrived at the club, went inside, paid the fee and surprisingly was let in without hesitation even though it has an age limit that i am still very much below. but i guess they don't care about that much when it comes to young girls (i certainly do not look that age). anyway, i had never been to this club, it was build like a regular house: you go upstairs and there are several rooms each decorated in a living room kinda way. each room was playing different music, it was much to explore and i was very much lost. but soon to be found by a. who covered my eyes from behind to greet me. he led me into a crowded room where two of his friends were dancing: a small chubby and shy guy who is so irrelevant that i won't even dedicate him his own abbreviation and jc., a lanky dude looking like every other hipster. it was his moustache in particular that on the one hand disgusted me being so common nowadays for a certain pretentious group of guys, but on the other hand also was extremly appealing as i have always been attracted to them - even before they were cool in the gen z/millenial generation.
so there i was with three guys none of whom i really knew much, but happy not to be alone. i got introduced, was continously supplied with gin&tonics, my favourite drink after red wine, dancing and enjoying myself. i did notice one strange thing: i could not believe my eyes when i saw two actual old people dance very close to us... turns out, a.'s mother and father had been dancing with them ever since they got there, i just couldn't grasp the absurdity of the moment which led me to just take it as it is.
eventually a. as well as jc. and me we dancing really closely right in front of a.'s parents' eyes. there was an incredible amount of sexual tension between both a. and me, and jc. and me. i did try to cheer up jo. and make him dance and lose himself, but he was just too shy which i certainly do not want to judge. in fact, it was nice to dance with somebody who was not creepy for once. every time a. left the room jc. would take his chance and dance with me - a dynamic which at that point was a habinger for else to come. i had just so much fun being the center of attention, being cared and longed for. i could completely lose myself and did not care about anything.
unfortunately at some point the music just was too bad to endure, they certainly wanted people to leave, it must have been around 4am, a.'s parents had already left without me noticing, as us four also left the club. jo. said goodbye to us going to his hostel - he and jc. actually travelled quite far only to be with a. that night. they were childhood best friends. jc., a. and me went somewhere else together. somewhere else where i believed was a.'s flat.
but no, it turned out to be a shared flat by a.'s best friends in town. the apartment was dirty, messy and full of political posters. they all are radical lefties, antifascists. and also radical stoners. those young people that i just cannot stop myself from considering as losers. they all "study" something (if even), and are spoiled by their parents' money that they waste on drugs. those kind of people that look homeless and like to pretend as if they were poor to be edgy, but in fact come from wealthy backgrounds.
well, at this point i was so drunk and tired i had lossed control completely and just went with whatever happened. i don't remember details, but we gathered in one room with sofas on the sides and a carpet in the middle. we were about 10 people i guess, some were dancing, many just sitting and smoking. for a long time i was also sitting, being very cold i was brought a blanket, i was just too tired. jc. was sitting close to me, i approached him and snuggled up to him. he comforted me, eventually demanding a kiss. knowing that a. was watching us i felt uncomfortable a bit still. it was always as if he had some claim on me, as if it was clear that i belong to him. i ended up falling asleep on jc.'s lap for some time. i felt incredibly safe and comfortable. in a moment i felt half asleep jc. asked "will we ever kiss tonight?!" which i answered by kissing him and then falling asleep completely.
i woke up very energized, it must have been around 7am. people, though less people, were still dancing and smoking. i was offered soup. i was confused about everything but just again took it as it was. after having eaten i joined the people dancing. i was jumping around the room to metal music with my blanket. at some point a. could get ahold of me and lured me into dancing with him. it must have been very close and again very sexually loaded. he touched me everywhere, his strong arms hugging me to kiss me. it was this excitement you feel when finally allowing the tension to be relieved.
the rest of the morning we spent jumping, dancing and kissing. all of it went on until 12pm! the sky was grey so we could not tell the difference between day and night. a. decided it was time to leave though. lead by a. and jc. i trotted like an obidient lamb wherever to they were leading me.
we arrived in a.'s shared flat, him only having one room which barely fit his bed, a chair, his extremly big tv (redflag!!!) and some shelve. the boys lied down in the bed next to each other. me not trying to be completely blatant sat down sideways on the chair and attempted to sleep a bit. of course it was extremly uncomfortable. at some point i had gathered the energy and courage to request whether i could join them in the bed. which, who would have thought, they did not deny.
i lied down between them and fell asleep feeling as safe as never before. sleeping inbetween two guys i was attracted to, two guys i had danced with and kissed that evening. two guys that knew each other for about 25 years. two guys with rather opposite body types and personalities. two guys i could not have chosen only one of.
we did sleep for some time. i eventually snuggled up to a. but while also holdng jc.'s hand. a. caressed my body, first hesitantly but soon increasingly passionately. jc. got notice from that and copied that by grapping my ass. the motion naturally escalated and intensified. i was overwhelmed and unsure how to act. i did not just want to lie without doing anything so i tried doing justice to both. jc. definitely being more passionate and couragous he slowly started fucking me anally, which actually was the first time for me and was rather semi enjoyable. at the same time a. was undressing me, getting his hands on everything that he was able to free of cloths. he was kissing my breasts and fingering me... when sucking a.'s dick which would not stay hard because he was too excited i guess, jc. fingered me. in general i liked interacting with jc. much more than with a. jc. was more aggressive, more demanding, more direct. when kissing him he choked me just right. in those moments i truly wished a. would have just left us alone already. only when he went to go shower, jc. and me were able to enjoy fully. but when a. came inside the room again it was like jc. had to hand me to him again. i do enjoy being the object that is "being handed over" and used, but of course i would have liked to get used by the guy i was actually more into.
it was the first threesome for all three of us. it was definitely not completely satisfactory for everybody, but it was quite the experience for each party involved. we slept next to each other until around 5pm. the atmosphere when we were awake was akward, not really being able to process what had just happened.
jc. left to join jo. for food and a. and me went back to bed sleeping, cuddling and kissing for some hours. around 9pm we met up with jc. and jo. again, in order to say bye, since they were leaving to their hometowns again. a. was observing closely how i would say goodbye to jc. both of us felt akward and we just hugged each other in a very tentative way. what a shame that was. i still miss him from time to time and hope to see him again in summer this year.
that eventful day was the beginning of a.'s and mine situationship. over the course of the next weeks we would spend much time together. sleeping next to each other, sleeping with each other, kissing in the theatre, watching animated comedy series, eating junk food. in short: i was living a completly hedonist and lazy lifestyle, which for him seems to be just his everyday life. i did and do very much enjoy how a.'s body feels, how he kisses me, gropes me, is obsessed with me and uses me. but i am also extremly disgusted by his laziness, stupidity, dependentness on his mother, his many incapabilities of failing to be a responsible grown up, his non exisiting discipline, his loud ways, the noises he makes. the disgusting things he eats, his infantile way of thinking and debating... all of those things remind me too much of my own father.
i want somebody with dignity, with self respect, with discipline. somebody i can learn from. somebody i truly feel safe with and not just through them being able to physically overpower me and most people. somebody i can truly let myself go and not need to worry for once. somebody mature.
ironically, y. checks all of those boxes. it is only that his body type is completely the opposite of a.'s. y. barely is taller than me and i am certainly stronger than him. whereas i have absolutely no chance against a. he looks rather intimidating and is not a person who couldn't defend me. this fact yet again leads to him being even more gentle in fear of actually hurting me seriously. which i obviously do not like.
so yes, 2024 started wildly. my hopes for drama and excitement finally were satisfied. i was courages and it paid off. unfortunately getting to know a. throughout the past weeks made me lose all interest in him. okay, there might me some physical interest there still, but i will hopefully find substitute for that soon.
back in town
since Tuesday i am back in this incredible town in which everything seems to have just stayed the same. since yesterday back living with j., the old english gentleman.
the past days it has been raining, ever since i am back i have been trying to get my life in control again. my sleeping pattern being the absolute weirdest (i woke up at 2am and slept at 8pm yesterday).
today though it has been the first sunny day of the week. i woke up around 7:30am. it's farmer's market, i am sitting in my favourite café, i bought lillies for just twelve euros, i have already taken care of j.'s cloths, made him breakfast, listened to him practicing one of favourite of bach's fugues, went shopping, cleaned, wrote job applications to several law offices and to one bar as a bartender and one jazz bar as a ticket control person.
yesterday my boss at the theatre wanted to meet me for a talk. I feared getting fired. though I could not think of a reason why... I did not get fired but unfortunately experienced somewhat of an intervention. he told me how several of my colleagues had complained about me. apparently they percieve me as arrogant and cold. L O L i could not believe my ears and was completly startled. I am the last person to be arrogant and cold. i am just so chill and nice. the only thing i am and i admit is that i am direct. and i absolutely hate passive agressiveness, fakeness and condescending treatment. and this is what i am pretty sure about: the people that must have complained about me are the ones that i had some disputes with since they have treated me condescendingly and i simply did not accept to be treated that way. they are in no superior position to me and have no more knowledge or skill. sure, i should not be disrespectful to anyone, but i was not. how is it my fault if those people have weak personalities and feel personally attacked when i treat them the way they treat me? i am a happy and carefree person in general and doing this job i absolutely refuse to work in a bad or passive agressive energy. if you have a problem, be direct and tell me. but don't belittle me or treat me condescendingly. especially not in front of the guests. funnily enough i am the person that our guests like the best. litterally every single time i work people give me compliments on how nice i am, how well i consulted them and how much they like coming here when i am there. and that is because i am actually passionate about working at this theatre. i am actually interested and i am not fake like all of my colleagues. i am not made for this fake-ass-corporate-talk-politically-correct society. i may sound like a karen saying that, but i really don't care. i am open, friendly, passionate and nice. and respectful for sure... what do i learn from this? i should be more careful with those people. i will reduce my interaction with them to the minimum. i will not interfere with them, i will not share anything private. they are fake and have low self esteem. luckily there are some cool people working at this theatre and with them i get along so well (my boss being one of them). especially with all the actors. unfortunately though, this month i will not really be able to work, because i did not know my availabilites early enough. but on sunday i will attend our most recent play: girls&boys by dennis kelly, a solo.
other than that, i am happy to be back in europe. life feels light-hearted and somewhat easy. people are on the streets, there are plenty cafés, bakeries and establishments. i feel alive and mobile. on tuesday i will look at a new bike that i might buy. js. and me are in touch every day and we are planning his visit prospectivly in may. i am so happy to have him. and i love how our communication is so well, how we are into each other to what seems to be the same extent. i am trying to find a little illegal job for him to do whilst his stay so he can learn my language a bit more and earn some money perhaps. but he'll be fine just discovering and travelling in case that would not work out. unfortunately though i will not have time to join him on trips much. i'll have so many things to do: uni, two or perhaps three jobs, my two organisations and soon a new sport: rowing!!! i have been on this waiting list to finally get a spot for lessons for three years now! and finally my time has come. i am SO looking forward.
regarding university i will take classes on international relations, comparative political science, migration in political theory, public international law and two very basic law classes: constitutional law and private law. i should have written those exams last year alraedy but was too anxious and always postponed them. but now, i cannot afford postponing them anymore. there are some other classes i take, but they are less interesting and just technical things. i am looking forward to this semester though, especially to the political science part of my studies. recently i had a great correspondence with one lecturer whose seminar i was hoping to take part in. unfortunately though i got assigned a different one and emailed him whether i could chance to his. he notified me about it actually having been cancelled due to his research project. i asked for the syllabus in order to inform myself at least and he made the effort to write a very long mail listing all the books and explaining his thinking behind choosing them. i told him how i would read all of it until he will offer the seminar the next time next year. and i am actually determined to do so. the funniest part of it: another reason i really wanted to take his course was because him and me had matched on bumble in december lol!!! on there i used my middle name to be somewhat anonymous (because this town is just so small) and was so surprised when he actually matched me back. the first thing he asked me was whether i study at the political science institute which i of course agreed to. we had quite the long chat about how of course we could not actually meet up and how he was sorry to have accepted the match, how he had just ended a longterm relationship and how he is lonely. i had adviced him to perhaps set his age range a bit higher in order to avoid such embarrassing incidents. i had told him how i would tell nobody and will just pretend this has never happened. dating students really is a no go and he'd surely be fired for that i guess. i had ensured him how if we ever met in person he would not recognise me. he wondered why, i told him how my name was slightly different and in the pictures i had used on bumble my face was not visible. i like him though and we definitely vibe. even funnier is that he actually is younger than b. who had been my boyfriend for almost two years and who has a much better academic position than him. that guy could not even imagine qualifying for positons at yale and harvard lol. do i sound arrogant? YES lol, but that's just the truth. b. is a very special person. very smart, knowledgable but in the end also very much of a "silly goofy girl" like i am, hence we get along so well. b. and me are in good contact as well. though he has blocked me on his work phone, we talk every night and sometimes in the early morning when i am awake alraedy and he still is awake.
so yeah, exciting times lie ahead as always. the most important thing for me (and the most challenging quest with that) will be to be disciplined and to stay persistent. i am passionate and hard working for sure. i just have to prove how i can be so persistently. for now, i will continue getting my life back on track by giving y. back his suitcase, updating him on the most recent events, perhaps finally texting a. and excusing to him, getting in touch with some other people i have ignored for too long and establishing contacts to several psychologists in order to one day get a place for therapy.
girls&boys
on sunday i spontanously got to work a bit. i wanted to go see our newest play anyways, so it was great that i could take a colleague's shift who was sick.
so i checked the tickets for one and a half hours, light the candles and counted the people. my colleague who manages the bar area of the theatre said he missed me a lot, he is from bangladesh and he's chill and fun. he always makes me coffee and jokes around. i had missed the theatre. it's very unique indeed. we play so many plays with relativly few actors in our ensemeble. each play is incredibly thought provoking and sophisticated. this play, boys&girls, just premiered last week to an exclusive audience. so on sunday it was the first regular show. my colleague ka., a dramaturge, shortly introduced into the play beforehand. and then i sat next to my colleague pa., one of the stage tech guys, to watch the play that was set on the small foyer's stage. he had prepared himself by reading the book. which surprised me. many of the stage tech people are very simple people, somewhat bogans (that sounds condescending, but they are just not the kind of people to read a book for fun, you know?)... the actress did her job so well. i love her facial expressions, so natural, so real. the play was directed by that woman who is the very known affair of the current theatre director. apparently through her very intimate involvements in the theatre life she keeps climbing the career ladder in that theatre. she started as a simple press officer and within two years managed to become an actress and director herself. i look down on her though. she is very fake. she is married herself and the theatre director himself is married as well, to the woman who will be the new director from summer on. what they have is pathetic and disgusting. she'd have potential on being somewaht of a role model if she got her positions through honest work, but not like that! though i must admit she directed this play very well. the scenery was very minimalist, i liked the choice of and use of music very much as well. the play is about toxic masculinity i'd say. about how even somebody who seemed perfect for the longest time can develop to be toxic and even: dangerous. the nameless woman's husband ends up killing both their children and later himself, because he could not bear the fact that his wife was more successfull than he himself.
in my own relationships men always ended up being violent and aggressive towards me. every single time, even somebody who i percieved the most calm and nicest guy ever. of course at some point one must seriously question oneselves. is it my fault? am i really as horrible as to make every man go insane and violent? that's at least what b. told me in one of our most recent fights. he said how when he first got to know me he "was on my side" when i told him about how my father abused me. but now he was "on his side" because he actually knew me and knew how i deserved this treatment. hearing those words out of b. mouth is the worst ever. and i am endlessly afraid that i could fuck up my relationship with js. like this as well. and to be honest, i am already somewhat afraid of js. he is calm, he is reserved, but i feel if he freaks out it would be worse than i ever experienced it with a man. he is the first guy i am with who is very physically strong. n. was tall as well, but he was rather weak and untrained - still i was weaker than him. b. is not tall and not trained - still he was stronger than me. my first boyfriend wasn't tall either, but very trained - he was very strong, literally abused and hit me, the sex being extremly violent and hardcore. to be honest most of the times he fucked me it was not consensual. and what does this mean? that he regularly raped me. now, js. seems a good man. he's very mature and understanding, very calm as i said. but he is very tall and trained. i feel if we ever get to the point that this violence awakes in him, i will be doomed. i am really intimidated by him. i know i should not, i should trust him and trust myself. but this play made me overthink...
i think it made all of us think. my colleague ended up sobbing next to me. the atmosphere in the foyer as extremly intimate. many people in a small room, the actress on a small stage close to us. the room dark, the candles i had light up flickering. the applause lasted 4 minutes and 27 seconds, we have to measure it. there were standing ovations. and it was very quiet for a long time. i myself did not cry. i don't know why. i cry easily. i was touched indeed. it hit home, literally lol. perhaps i have just grown resilient against this kind of family drama. it does not surprise me anymore, i perhaps am hardened. i don't know. i feel if i stayed with my family longer when i was 16 a big catastrophe would have happened. i mean, an even bigger one than our lives were at that time already. i am not in the mood to elaborate now, but perhaps it was good i left at lived with that boyfriend who raped me. perhaps it was still better than living with them.
yesterday i spent much time with j. in the afternoon we went shopping together, afterwards i prepared dinner, then some of his friends, a bangladeshi couple, came for a visit. i cut oranges for them and cleaned the mess in the kitchen. then j. and me had dinner. afterwards i went for a bike ride: 4 loops around the city. when i got back, i js. had sent me a message saying "he forgot to tell me something". i was prepared for the worst but he instructed me to check the dedication of j.'s edition of jonathan frantzen's corrections (i had spotted this book in j.'s shelve earlier and shared it with js.). turns out: frantzen dedicated the book to js.' uncle and aunt. this international bestseller was dedicated to my boyfriend's aunt&uncle. i have not read it yet, but i will make efforts to now. his family seems more and more interesting. still, i cannot believe my luck in finding js. and giving him many chances. i remember complaining on here how boring i thought he was, but how i was not ready to give up on the idea of him yet. how the first times we had sex were rather disappointing and in general he just did not share much of himself at all. but there was always something that made me want to stick with him. when i slept he sent me pictures of new haven he took when he went on the walk up the east rock. afterwards he sent me a bunch of pictures of sketches he did. he is a good artist himself. i love this guy, hopefully it's not just the idea of him. we spent about a month together, almost every day. throughout this time i understood him more, he kept surprising me with details on his and his family's life, with how understanding, attentive and calm he is. and ultimativly with how he loved me. he is a pure, honest and sensitive guy. seemingly everything i have ever wanted. every single quality seems to be fulfilled. sure, sooner or later we will disappoint each other for the first time. humans are not perect. though i am fearing a day i fuck things up. for now, we are planning his stay here in may. who knows where things will go. on our way from the cloisters to jfk he had talked about how expensive it is to study in europe as an international student. i more or less jokingly said how if he ever wanted the european passport he should just let me know and he instantly understood. i made this joke before with other people, but they did not.
on the weekend out of boredom i made this nectar love print test. my result is aieg, i asked js. to also do it, his result is ripg. if one decides to somewhat believe in that kind of test, it was not a big surprise at all. the js. and my results of the other tests they have are completely the same (relationship readiness 9, permissive boundaries, created family as family attachement, monogamous, growth as relationship believe, and hyposexual). in order to compare our results to a third party i made my best friend e. take the tests as well and her results are completly different. i pray that for once things work out. it feels to just be allright with him. it feels like we are very similar. perhaps too similar. our main difference: i am bubbly and he is not (a common pattern in male-female relationships i'd say). if there will ever be a big fight between us, i am afraid it will be the worst i have ever experienced in my life. and with my parents, i used to believe i have been through the worst. as bad as this sounds, i cannot wait for him to show his true face. i want to know what i am at. it sounds absurd but i cannot wait for him to hurt me. i prefer that to the uncertainty of just being intimidated by him and not knowing what he is capable of. he hasn't given me much reason to fear him actually, it would be very unfair to make it seem that way. though i can just sense that there is something underneath that surface. surely there is with all of us. so that per se is nothing bad particularly about him. time will tell.
12 bottles of wine
what a nice day yesterday was.
i woke up at 4am with no alarm. spent the first two hours rather unproductive in bed, chatting with js. i eventually proceeded into the kitchen, making matcha and a sweet breakfast bowl with strawberries, peach, oatmeal and yogurt! how very healthy of me!!! watched some videos on politics&news and around 8am rode my bike to the café to finish fraser's book. at 9.30 that was accomplished, so i rewarded myself with two new books!! one big publication by three sociologists and a collection of essays by jonathan franzen. i feel drawn to him since i know that he is a good friend of js.' uncle. i started the corrections, but it is just so exhausting for me to read. the language is so sophistaced and there are so many american concepts, things or places i don't have a clue about... i definitely want to read that book, but i intentionally have to dedicate extra time to it. so reading those essays is easier for me...i spent the whole morning and early afternoon reading in the café and at some point in the library. i also read about 70 pages of papers for uni, so that's good!
at around 3 i went home to meet j. when yesterday he realised that he is out of wine, he proposed going to get some at his favourite merchant together. he first had to go to the hospital for some mobility training to keep him fit, during this time i showered. weather was amazing and he felt overambitious, so he only took his walking stick with him. at some point i receive a call: him saying he does need his walker. so i carry it to the hospital and from there on our adventure begon. slowly but steadily we headed down that lively street. when we eventually arrived the merchant, i could tell j. comes here quite regularly. the merchant treated him like a vip. j. began enumerating what kinds of wine he would like to have and asked about new kinds available. i was struck! he just never stopped enumerating and so the bottles got more and more. i think i will never acquire as many bottles of wine ever again. another casual proof of how posh he actually is.
we (I) carried only a part of the bottles home, the merchant delivered the rest to us by bike. on our way back we stopped by that café that is attached to my favourite cinema. the outside area was so crowded, but we managed to join some lady. it was so lovely sitting in the sun chatting with j. i told him about my books, he shared stories about his son. so nice! also, as this town is just so small, of course i knew the girl that served us: i used to study with her for a bit.
after we had gotten home, i collected my stuffs and again left outside for a walk. i attempted finding a new spot to read, but ended up reading on the exact same bench in the park i read before on the weekend. directly when i had settled there i realised a., my former fling (the actor guy), was in the park playing some game with some people. he is just so insufferable and obnoxious, one could not not notice him when he is around. i am pretty sure he also noticed me reading there. - to be honest, i don't give a shit anymore. i have so many weird open conflicts with people hereat this point that if i wanted to go sure not to see any of those, i wouldn't even be able to leave the house. so i will just not give a shit anymore. people shall think i am an asshole or whatever. i know that i am not, i know i had my reasons, i am not going to put effort into convincing people otherwise and kiss anybody's ass. especially not losers like him! seriously! - anyway, sitting there reading after only a few i minutes i encoutered another person i know: my boss from the theatre! he is so chill and has my back, i like him a lot. he was carrying two beers, got delighted to see me and just said hello. funny interaction somewhat.
but yeah, now that the weather gets better i realised i know people everywhere, if i stare long enough into the nothingness, sooner or later there will be a person i would rather not like to see... i think this will be a good practice for me of becoming more focused and careless really. living here the next two years will really require me being above all that meaningless social shit.
i am not saying i am too good to have friends or social contacts, no lol. but i want to spend time with actual good people for once. there is actually a group of people i am curious about already for some time. they seem to be hip, chill, but also into what they are studying, which is somehow humanities/law related. i keep encountering them at the café and the library. in fact, they are also friends with former colleagues of b., they worked at the same research facility. and of cocurse that also means that they are somewhat older than me. with one of them i even danced once at a party of that very lefty student establishment. i don't normally party, but that time a. and me had gone together and that was actually really fun. because that i have to admit: a. is great fun at parties and social events. because he is just so eccentric and is seemingly confident in his body, performing. well, exactly what one would expect from an actor!... but yeah, i hope that eventually i'll actually get to know those people somehow. i am not sure how though. just a few minutes ago three of them gathered next to me in the café and i overheard their conversations. apparently they are involved in some student podcast project about recent research, quite cool!
today i woke up at 6am with no alarm. chatted with js for some time and stayed in bed until 7.30 unfortunately. i got ready only slowly, because i decided to ditch that international relations class. the lecturer is just so bad and the students are just so stupid. the quality of this class is really not good. though i had read both papers extensivly (and was most definitely the only person that did that), i really was not in the mood for that. i also ditched the class after that. i don't know, out of laziness really. i am not proud, but i figured that i would get more done simply sitting here and reading. and perhaps that's true. tomorrow is labour day, so i have the whole day for catching up on things and being productive. i overheard the "cool kids" (my new code word for that group of interesting people) say that they will party today&tomorrow. and yeah that reminded me of how the start of may is a reason to celebreate for people here. on one hand i am proud of myself for being rather focused and living a quiet lifestyle. on the other hand it would be nice to once join people to go party, especially because weather is nice and all. going to bars or clubs alone is not a thing people do here at all! it's not a thing at all to get to know people spontanously unfortunately. in other cities and countries i have done that and would do so with no problem, but here it's just very weird. it's a pity, but i am not too sad, because in two weeks js. will be here and i will be able to take him everywhere i go: libraries, cafés and bars!!! i am so looking forward :) especially to getting drunk at bars and making out lol. i also wanna go to some party with him. i am sure he will be in awe with how alive this town is. i mean, he has been to buenos aires, a fairly european style city i guess. but this town here is unique. it has many young student people and all features of a big city, whilst still being cute and historical.
now i will go shopping, later will clean my dorm room for a boy i sublease to for those two weeks, then attend a lecture on comparative politics and right after that cover a shift at the theatre! my first one after three months! so excited! especially because i will get to see my theatre crush ja., son of my other theatre crush jü. lol
that's life
that one day had started perfectly. i woke up so early, had a healthy breakfast while listening to alice capelle's latest video essay, cleaned, got ready. the sun was shining, i was riding my bike to uni listening to beach house. the town was slowly waking up.
i did not want to go to uni, but forced myself. it was a tutorial i had skipped two times already. in fact, it was the first ever time i was showing up. i expected there to be people i didn't like and of course that was the case. those people also managed to behave in the most childish ways possible. some people were giving a presentation and they just kept giggling and talking allthroughout. how childish can you actually be? anyway, the new ataraxic person i am trying to become should not even waste thought and energy on people like this (ataraxic certainly sounds better (and less resentful...) than "not giving a fuck", doesn't it).
right after that tutorial i went to a lectuer i had skipped two times as well, because it would have required me to go to this institute i had never been to and i was shy. last weekend though i had a seminar on transcultural sensivilisation in there, so this burden was overcome. i went upstairs and there was an old man waiting in front of the door. it was around hafl past nine and he asked "why is the door locked, there must be people inside already, mustn't there?". i asked him whether he already considered ringing the bell. which i did and shortly after we were let in. telling by his age i had supposed he must have been a professor. but it turned out he was not! looking for the room of the lecture i had spotted him again and wanted to know "is this where islamic family law occurs in?" and it was. it was a tiny room, on three walls there were tall bookshelves like in a library, on the fourth there were windows. he was the chatty kinda guy. i asked him about the intranet page and he helped me settle. he was fun and somewhat cute. he had printed all the slides, sat there all prepared with his flask full of hot tea serving himself from time to time... eventually the room got crowded. many young women. i felt much more homey and welcome than in any lecture or seminar ever before. the lecturer was late, but it was okay. i knew him because of b. he gave a short keynote at the conference b. had organised last summer. i was very much involved in the organisation of that, unfortunately though only unofficially. so officially my efforts failed to get recognized. well, the downside of dating an academic and getting too involved in his work i guess... however, it was a great pleasure for me to get to know all those internationally renowned scholars. b. was a great host, it was a great success for this university - i would go as far as to say: for this country... anyways, the lecture was fine.
in the two hour break that i had, i sat down at my favourite café and continued reading that recent and long sociological study. i read those 400 pages within 5 days. for me that was a good achievement!
i then enjoyed that lecture on international law with that charismatic lecturerer and afterwards headed back to the café first to read a bit more and at some point home to j. to make myself something quick to eat (fried mushrooms - for some reason i am obsessed with them currently).
then i went for rowing. it was warm, a bit humid, but just heavenly. i asked to be the stroke that time, because i had never been the stroke. and also because i was paired with that one guy whom i despise because his technique is just so bad and i refuse to copy his rhythm. so i that time wanted to force him for once be considerate and attentive himself! because in theory, everybody is supposed to follow the stroke! in theory!!! but no: the three other people in the boat just did whatever they thought was right. of course, i shouldn't complain, since all of us are beginners. but like... some more than others. and it appears to me that certain people don't even try to change their patterns. but i knew i did very well. first, because it felt very good and right, second, because our cox told me so!! i felt so validated. it was comparable to hearing "you're a pleasure to have in class". hehehe. and yeah in fact one piece of advice that the cox had given me was to open the blades earlier. and that really changed something in my brain and the way i rowed. it was magical haha.
after rowing i was sweaty, happy and satisfied. i went home to quickly change and grab my book. i then proceeded to read another one franzen's essays.
coming back home aroun 9.30pm i felt as if i could not have possibly perfomed better that day. i went to uni, read, ate healthy, cleaned the house, took care of myself, was kind - only so much that i can do. i for once was satisfied and proud of myself.
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for some reason though i could just not fall asleep. it was humid and warm. i lied awake, scrolling on here and chatting with js. at some point in the night i recieved a text from one of my corridor mates of my dorm. that boy asked "i am curious about your living situation??" i answered "why??" because like, what the heck is this your business? well, i told him how i am temporarily living with that old gentleman to take care of him and whilst doing so am subletting my room. i told him that everything should be fine because the people that live there are good and tidy people and i wanted to nicely tell that guy "mind your own god damn business!!!". of course, i get it. if they see people moving in and out, within 4 months it has been three people now, they begin to wonder. but like... it's a god damn dormitory, not a luxury apartment building. the credo should be "live and let live" and don't fucking get into each others businesses. that boy's audacity just made me so angry that i could not sleep until 5am the next day. because i was actually worrying! those stupid nosy people could possibly snitch on me! because the way i am subletting is illegal. i coudl do it legally, but that would require a minimum of three months. and i just don't know how life will be in three months for me. and i cannot afford possibly being homeless in this town. and the worst and most absurd of it all: for about a decade things were chill and nice in that corridor. i know that through b. who had lived there for almost all this time. (yeah it sounds much, but like you must know he did his phd and was still living there the years after when he was in the process of publishing (which he still is lol...)). so, all those years people were living and minding their own businesses. when b. and me were living there together those one and a hald years, certainly it was the best time ever. the kitchen (our only common room) was always free, completly for us to use. but when b. moved out, times changed radically. after all this time it was the first time that there was a big generational change. 6 (out of 11) people had moved out shortly after another. that time, it was august of last year, it was before i followed b. to the us for the first time, the time we had broken up actually. i was going insane. i was sick of all the untidyness, of all the things laying around that absolutely belonged to nobody. so i radically cleaned and threw out everything. not only did i clean, no i also invested into decorating and just making it a nice common room. i spent hours into doing all that. and i knew that in all those years nobody else had ever cared to take care of that room like this. but i didn't care, i just wanted to have a restart, to finally be able to have a space worth spending time in, also for the new generation to come. and so i sacrificed myself willingly and happily....
what i could have never expected is how unbelievably ungrateful and disrespectful the people of the new generation would be. that is mostly because all of them were freshmen, for all of them it is the first time living on their own, and many of them are economics students... i have never met, or rather also had to live among, such obnoxious and absolutely brainless and naive people. i could not hide the way i thought of them. they realised i didn't vibe with them, because we just have nothing in common. so what happened is that they befriended each other, regularly hosts parties in that kitchen (which had not happened in all those years) and percieved me as being overly strict and annoying (for trying to enforce the upkeeping of the cleanliness that i so kindly had made possible). well and now those new people are the ones that tell ME that what i am doing is weird and wrong! how fucking dare they? how do they think they are? where do they think they live and whom do they think they are talking to? how inconsiderate and stupid can people actually be? and the worst part: before, this corridor consisted of mostly international people. now all of them are my fellow countrymen. and because they are young, dumb, spoiled and naive they have no clue about life, kindness and consideration. unfortunately my countrymen are horribly rule-obiding and narrow in their thinking. it is unbelievable to me that even the young and dumb have internalised this to this extent that whilst being young and disobbeying, they are just dumb, but still obeying. how fucking lame and brain dead can you possibly become? i hate my countrymen and this stupidity. this urge to denounce each other and the lack of comeraderie. i mean: we are of one kind! we are students, we are poor, there is a housing crisis in this town. are you seriously threatenting me with snitching? for fucking what. i am living in the living room of a old man. i am not even earning extra money with subletting the room... i am actually so sad and disappointed by how those people can be so cruel to get into my business like that. i wish they knew how happy they should be that i am not currently living with them because if i did i would complain about the shit they do constantly. i am so sad that i get intimidated by those stupid, spoiled brats. international people would never act like this. they stick together. help each other! in the dorm y. lives in there is one room where 5 pakistani men live together. y. lives just next to them and he said that in the night he hears them talk to their families. but he does not even comlain about it! he deals with it! because who is he to snitch? who is he to complain? that's how life is as a student! deal with it!... all of those thoughts in my head, i could just not fall asleep. i was anxious, angry and disappointed.
well, when i woke up, i had overslept both my seminars. it was around noon and my throat was sore. my dreams had been horrible and confusing. my day had not even started and i had already disappointed myself. anyway i thought "let's make the most of it. let's get out of bed, read and be disciplined." so i went to the café and read a bit. at some point i decided to call my mother for once to ask her about the best strategy as to how to deal with those intrusive nosy people. i had described the whole situation to her and she basically said "make them regret that they ever wanted you back". because when in two weeks js. wil arrive, i will also spend more time in that room. perhaps though i should not be too radical, but somehow try to even be diplomatic and befriend them again somehow... it will be a challenge!!...
anyway. having somewhat felt comfortable sharing that story with my mother i made the mistake of telling her more than just that. i additionally told her how happy i am and how well i am doing. how disciplined i am and how much j. likes me living with him. how i am so passionate about certain topics i am reading about right now and how i might be considering making those topics a field of my research one day. because i had always dreamt of working in academia. for me personally i have never questioned doing a phd. it is something i long for, not for the sake of the title, no. but for the sake of the research!.. so i told my mother all of this... and instead of being happy for me or congratulating me for my accomplishments, for feeling so satisfied... what she said was "well, but you cannot always be living like this. you know, you will at some point have to have "a real job" and actually earn money. having opened my heart to her, having put myself in the most vulnerable position sharing my hopes and dreams with her i felt crushed, destroyed. it was the worst thing she could have possibly said. i could not believe my situation. i started crying and complaining to her. i got agitated and just so incredibly disappointed. i defended myself saying that all i am doing is working, cleaning, studying, reading and living an extremly minimalist and parsiomnic lifestyle and how other people my age are doing bullshits, partying, doing drugs and wasting their money and time (which i personally don't even think is bad when you are young. that's what being young is for god damn! it's just not for me really!). i said how i could not possibly do better right now and how damn ungrateful she is for not appreciating all of that. and then i ended the call and just sobbed... and the situation managed to even get worse:
having that call, that lasted 50 minutes in total, i was sitting in the café. to be particular in the outside area of it. it was not a beautifully warm and sunny day as the day before. in fact, it was cold and rainy. so when i initially sat outside, i was the only person sitting there. after some time one woman sat just next to me. eventually two other people joined that woman, they knew each other. they were white wealthy people in their sixties i'd say. two women, one man. when i got agitated and started crying i could tell that those people were bothered by it already. but i was busy fighting with my mother, so at that time i did not do anytihng about it. just when i finished that call i was actually as kind and brave as to approach those people and said "well, sorry i was a bit loud, but i have existential problems right now". and instead of being understanding or even trying to calm me down (i was literally sobbing...) the man of the group kindly said "well, but you don't need to be having your existential problems here!!!". i could not believe it!!!! how fucking heartless can you be? i told him "look, i sat here first and i did not decide to be having those problems right now". then he said "well, but now be fucking quiet already." he repeated "be quiet already!!!" i attempted to defend myself saying "look, i approached you to genuinely excuse for having bothered you..." and he just shushed me and said "it is enough noww!!!! be quiet!!" -
i tried to hold it for a moment but i blasted into uncontrollable tears. this whole interaction had actually hurt me more than the interaction with my mother. because i knew my mother. i knew how she is like and i knew it was my mistake sharing details about my life and my plans with her. she is not educated, she is not well behaved, she is no academic. she has no clue about those things. however though, those strangers sitting next to me in the rainy outside space of the café. those strangers that witnessed all of the disappointing things i shared with my mother. witnessed me defending myself to her. witnessed me being broken, sitting alone and crying. a god damn young girl sitting in front of her laptop and book. those same strangers decided to be heartless and bothered and treat me like i was not a human being deserving understanding. my sould broke from that. i stood up went to the opposite side of the street and sat down on the ground of that square the café is facing. on the dirty ground. and since i could not make sense of it all and felt as lonely as perhaps never before i explained all of what had just happened to me to js. in a long voice message in which i sounded like the worst idiot sobbing. i sat there for about 20 minutes. i could not stop crying.
at some point i went inside the café, into the bathroom to sort myself. it didn't really work out that well, just temporarily. i grabbed my things from the table beside those people who were now happily chatting with each other because i had gone. i ordered another coffee and sat down inside. the girl taking my order could sense i was broken. i could tell. i took my coffee and attemped to distract myself by reading the last 50 pages of the book. but there was no way. i kept crying, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face making it incredibly hard to read. i sat there for one and a half hours like that. i did not once stop crying. eventually i finished the book. it gave me something. all kinds of thoughts in my head. and the thought that in the end gave me somewhat of hope and strength was what will always be there are books to read and ways to educate myself. and even if my mother does not believe in my career and strangers treat me like a piece of shit i will still follow the path that i chose for myself. and with that in mind and the thought of being able to buy the next book to read once i finish the current one - i made it. i left the café and directly went to the book store. the big one. i carefully looked at all the books available on sociology and politics. i decided for a collection of essays by a professor of poltiical science about migration and integration. she herself has migrated to this country and i had recently read a paper by her. it was also a recent publication so i was very happy. i picked myself up, took my bike and headed home to redo my make-up and eat something in order to be able to show up at work at 7pm.
when i had arrived at 6, j. was in the piano room having his weekly digital meditation session with b. what perhaps i have not mentioned yet, or at least not often, is that j. actually is a a benedictinian oblate. in the same church actually that charles taylor is also part of. actually, j. had even met him before... however, that's the reason he meditetates very regularly and often together with other people. when b. was still living in this country - at this time j.'s health was better as well - every friday we would gather at the same chapel to meditate together. it was amazing... ok but me still being very weak i was happy j. was busy and was also in somewhat of a hurry. i ate and got ready. whene i was ready, j. and b. had just finished meditating and j. called me into the piano room to say hi to b. what j. did in fact not know that time was firstly how horrible i was feeling and secondly that b. and me had not talked in a week, because we had a fight last weekend. it started in the most silly and unimportant way but in my opinion b. went too far and treated me just so condescendingly, patronisngly and arrogantly that i decided it was enough. i had told him that if he writes me a good and genuine mail acknowledging his mistakes and bad treatment i would unblock him and would only then be willing to continue our friendship. up until this moment that j. had called me into the room b. had actually not done so... but of course i did not let him know. what i did let both of them know in this moment was how bad my day had been and what had happende to me. i did so, because j. specifically asked about my day. and i shared those things in a very brief manner. i only did it, because i knew both those men would be able to relate and understand my situation. because both those men had been foreigners in this country and had suffered a lot from the ways my country-men treat each other and especially foreigners... being heartless and not giving a shit about each other certainly is a quality that is commonly known to be a thing of my country-men... but yeah, sharing this story i again began to cry. but i was in a rush. and i had just redone my make-up. so i concluded: "perhaps i actually have to feel pity for them not being able to be kind, or perhaps happy that seemingly those people have never had life being gruesome to them, perhaps i should also be happy for my pain, because i will go sure to never become like those people". i was thinking out loud saying those words and actually - it was a great conclusion and lesson from that horrible experience.
could i at this point in time have expected my day to possibly even become worse??... probably not. but that's what happened:
so i went to the theatre. i was covering the shift that checks the tickets. it's the easiest and most chill thing to do ever. and it was also just two hours. the first hour of which i basically had nothing to do, because it is only about ten minutes before the play starts that we let people inside of the theatre hall. exactly this being my task. until then i chatted with the guy managing the bar (the one that is so nice and chill and who had said he missed me while i was in the us) and read my book. i was rather content. and also trying to avoid interaction with the girl covering the box office shift at all cost. she was one of the people who had complained about me to our boss. when i had come back from the us in the beginning of april that was the first thing that happened: my boss ordering to talk to me in person, sharing how several people had complained about me being "arrogant"!!!!!! that experience having extremly thrown me off and confused totally, i was now incredibly insecure about who exactly had had what reason to dislike me. because i could just not make sense of it. so my strategy was avoidance....
unfortunately though there is one moment where i have to interact with the box office shift. it is when i have closed the doors of the theatre hall, i have to report the exact time of when i have done so to her... that evening the guy managing the stage tech was a very inexperienced and to be honest stupid one. he kept activating the sound of the gong that indicates that people should go inside of the hall. normally the stage tech people do it twice of three times, but shortly before the play was supposed to start he just kept doing it because he was impatient and wanted me to close the door at all costs. it's just that we are strictly instructed to only close the doors at 8pm sharp. not earlier than that, even if everybody is already sitting on their seats. which in this case has been the case for 5 minutes already... me cringing by him activating the gong over and over again (because it just confuses people!) i dared to close the doors at 7:59 already. i went to the box office to report. but the girl didn't even let me talk, when i arrived, she said "honey, it was only 7:59"... me being not in the mood at all to be called "honey" having had the worst day in a damn long time i replied "well, maybe for once we are not as exact about things and you simply write down 8pm for now". i was just so annoyed that i was not possible to have one normal exchange with this girl. and the worst thing is that technically she was right. of course, i know that we are supposed to close at 8pm, i am not stupid. but damn, who gives a shit?! why even make it a big deal. and who do you think you are calling me fucking "honey"?!
being angry, and very insecure about whether for that she would again complain to my boss about me i wanted to be the first to complain and reported the interaction to my boss. i wrote him a long text about what happened, why i did what i did, how i felt treated condescendingly by that girl and how i myself think it's childish of me to report to him, but how i also feel treated unfairly. i just did not want to again be in a situation where i would be unprepared and defenseless. where i would just have to accept being called arrogant or perhaps misbehaving! i was not god damn misbehaving! that girl made a big deal out of something that should not even be a big deal. and the way she approached me is not how i want to be talked to. i was just so incredibly annoyed by this unnessary interaction. again: the brainless urge of my countrymen to stick to the rules. brainless for fucks sake! anyway though, i distracted myself reading and chatting with the bar guy. he always lifts me up.
after my shift was done at around 9.30 i for once not escaped the theatre by riding my bike, but by only pushing it, because i reported what had happened to js. me being slow and only walking the bar guy on his way to his other restaurant that is in walking distance to the theatre caught up on me. and we walked together for some time. us now finally being outside the theatre i was free to tell him about this bad dynamic between me and the girl. and how i had been scolded about misbehaving for being "arrogant" to my coworkers. he was completely shook. he said "arrogant?? you are the oposite" and i was like "yes!!! that's what i thought". i opened my heart to him saying how i think those people working with me have apparently never worked a real job before, because our job is just the easiest thing to do and how it was a miracle to me how they, despite that, still keep complaining about our working conditions! like, we basically get paid to sit there and chit chat with people. and the bar guy agreed. he said "yes!!! i always wonder how you guys complain, there is nothing that you ever do". and he is just right.
well, that somewhat made my day good again. i rode my bike home through the night my spotify favourites playlist on shuffle. and what song starts playing? "that's life" by frank sinatra. i had not reminded liking that song on spotify, nor had i remembered ever paying attention to the lyrics. but i sure did at that point. it was ironic and absurd how well this song summarised the hell of a day i had had. i was severly broken and disappointed. but i still was happy. i started crying tears of gratefulness. for being able to cycle home to j. and to continue with my life.
when i got home i put a pizza in the oven and sat down in the kitchen waiting for it. soon j. got home. he was in a good mood. he was just having dinner with his wife. he sat down by the kitchen table. i brought him a beer. in this moment i realised there was one open question about the situation i had shared with him in the afternoon: he had wondered what the fight with my mother had been about in first place. and so i told him, how i simply intended to share with my mother how happy i am nowadays. i said "i think i have not been as happy in years actually". and that just made him so happy. it was a very wholesome admission of mine. j. thought i was exaggerating. but i really was not... it was the best and most uplifting way to end this horrible day.
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some conclusionary thoughts:
those two days served as a big and important lesson to me. it showed me what people i can rely on, what people lift me up, how i can lift myself up and how the most important thing will always be to be kind, understanding and human. and the most interesting thing had just happened around half an hour ago when i was sitting exactly where i am sitting right now: in my café on a sofa writing all of this down. the book i had bought laying in next to my laptop. the guy who had sat next to me on the other sofa before leaving the café approaching me to ask about the book. i was annoyed somewhat, because i supposed he wanted to flirt or whatever. he wanted to know private information, like where i was from what i am studying etc. perhaps just doing small talk. perhaps i was just too fucking paranoid. but i stayed friendly and nice. i answered the questions very vaguely and when he wanted to know about the book i said it is about how people get treated unfairly in this country he wanted to know "well... what is the solution?" i said "hm.. good question." i really did not want to give a pretentious politically loaded statement, so i simply said "i guess, to be friendly and kind". to which he replied "yes, to be human in fact". and that was the end of our interaction.
i really don't want to be the kind of person to believe in "signs" but that was as much of a sign as it could have possibly be, even if "signs" did not exist. to illustrate how unlikely this whole interaction was to happen, i want to emphasise that here in this country people normally do not approach other people like that. you mind your own business really. it has never happened to me before in this café. and i go here almost every single day.
another thing i want to mention before i wrap this up:
i am the opinion that women should stick together. women as well as poor students. i do not want to have a dispute with my coworker. we could possibly even be friends. we study the same course, both of us passionate about social justice, politics, literature and law. i have attempted several efforts to be friendly to her ever since i work at the theatre but it has always failed. i think it is envy that makes her act those ways. envy because people like me in the theatre. and i mostly mean our guests and, well, then there's also the actors themselves and the director. literally just yesterday when letting people inside of the theatre hall one of the actors who is not involved in this particular play decided to go watch it. so he was in the foyer in the break with all the other guests. when i ended the break and let people in again, he approached me saying "look, i really have to tell you how you are just such a beautiful human". i got very happy... and then there is also the fact that i had this short term relationship with a. that that girl apparently also got to know about... and it's not that i am so uniquely beautiful, i think i am really average looking. in this town here there are so many so incredibly pretty girls, i am really nothing special. like, seriously! but apparently i have something about me that people like. perhaps it's charme. whatever! i can definitely tell that some women treat me weirdly for no reason at all. and i feel it's such a shame. in fact, i have no girl-friends (but my bsf who lives in oslo) (i mean i actually don't really have any friends other than js. and b. lol), but i would die to have girl-friends.
or i would die just to be treated with casual kindness. like a damn human being. feeling that well as a white, able bodied, normal and well dressed young woman i do not even want to imagine what i would be treated as an obvious foreigner, homeless, disabled, or just somewhat slightly "not normal" person. all i should really learn from my latest experiences and the books i have been reading on polarisation, migration and integration recently all lead to this one simply lesson: "be kind. be human!".
i am grateful for those experiences.
a saturday
i am sitting in my box office. my dear coworker just gave me a little something to eat. i had a chill day. got some errands done: bought a cute sundress and sent some international mail for j.
i also met my ukranian friend that i haven't seen in half a year. so many things happened in our lives. she had kept it a secret to me that she had had a tumour in her brain. only now that it has successfully been removed she told everybody. how brave of her... she is doing her master's and studies in a different city. she got several scholarships and is a very strong and knowledgable young woman. she is just a year older than me but she is so far ahead. she took much responsiblity for her sister, with whom she flew to this country by herself. i had met her through facebook through a group for looking for friends. she is a quiet and calm girl. we are not the best friends but i appreciate her a lot.
she had joined me in my office for some time, because we couldn't make it to meet before my shift would start. but working here is just so chill. i updated her about everything: my time in the us in september, my very lonely winter back here, my fling with the actor, my time in the us this year, my new boyfriend js. who will visit me from tuesday on (!!!!), my new job, my new living situation, the thing with my lecturer... i always rather have many things going on i guess. other than her unfortunate tumour she did not have too many pieces news. but she has a new student assistant job! so cool! her job would be my dream! she for example is involved in organising a conference that one of the professors i adore is a key note speaker at! perhaps i will visit her in her city and join the conference as a passive listener. side note: when we were sitting together in my office my former fling a. walked by hastily. i know there was no reason for him to walk by me. he just wanted to show himself to me. it was the first time we had encountered after three months...
j. is watching eurovision with his wife tonight. he invited me to join mass tomorrow morning. i would love to, but spontanously got invited to join the rowing people, which i am also looking forward to. i will also pick up a bike i got second hand for js. it will be a surprise for him. it really just wouldn't make sense for him to live here without a bike. one really needs it to get around well. oh and my mother will visit me tomorrow to take most of the things i have in my dorm room back home to her flat. and well, it's also mother's day... i didn't get her anything. i guess seeing her, being nice to her and hopefully not having a fight is the best that could actually happen.
i didn't read much today, neither did i study at all. but in general i am rather happy. i was riding my bike through the sunny streets. wearing my quirky shirt that reads "that girl". my hair blowing in the wind. i know i looked nice.
js. will be here so soon... i missed him. in the last days both of us have just been so horny. i have a feeling my life will feel very much complete once he has arrived. i will take him to all the nice bars and cafés, we will spend so much time laying in the sun reading, riding our bikes together. i really hope we will keep liking each other as much as we do and only grow together even more. of course, we were living the honey moon phase back in america. now that i have this huge challenge of having to balance studying and spending time with him i hope it will only continue in a good way... we will see!
the gala
yesterday marked a historical day at the theatre. after 18 years our director retired. since the theatre - though it is a private theatre that is significantly smaller than the city theatre - is an important cultural institution of this city, many local polititians and known people came to celebrate. i definitely wanted to make sure to join as well, i like to dress up and talk to rich old people, lol.
i was supposed to study the whole day yesterday, but ended up sleeping until 4pm and studying for not even two hours, i got ready, dressed up in that dress that js. and me had bought in a rush before work on saturday, when i realised that i did absolutely have nothing gala-like to wear. i found this dress in a sale at zara for 16 euros! i also bought a red dress from h&m for 40 euros, but i will return it tomorrow.
when i arrived at the gala i instantly felt lost and displaced. i again realised how i don't really have friends there. after my affair with the actor a., that ended on bad terms, i am not integrated much anymore in the theatre social life. being by his side i was automatically part of the gatherings, him being so extremly excentric, that i did not even have to make much effort integrating myself. but now, that's just different. also, he will move in two weeks. he spontanously decided not to continue the two year extension he got from our theatre and take the offer of a theatre in the south of the country. i had hoped that we could have a final good moment, perhaps a goodbye on good terms, but that did not happen at all. we looked at each other a lot from across the room several times, we had eye contact and we endured it for some seconds. there was one moment where he was close to me in the crowd, but did not realise i was close. i observed him visibly enjoying the scent of my parfume (burberry - goddess) and then he ended up seeing me - after sensing me. i actively tried to approach him once when he was ordering from the bar, i was drunk already, stood next to him and just quietly said "is everything okay?". he did not answer and i followed up with a "hmm?". he did not acknowledge me and i gave up. for me, this was a step of trying to make things somewhat good again. for us to say goodbye and not carry resentment. but he did not want to. i was disappointed. of course it was me who was at fault (i had ghosted him for a month after he wanted to meet me in new york), but now several months have passed and he will move away. it is a pity, but i am also not surprised. he is pretty childish sometimes and i could tell that he enjoyed not forgiving me and ignoring me when i approached him.
feeling very displaced, disappointed, lonely and lost, i simply decided to make the best out of the night by getting drunk and eating as much as possible from the buffet - neither of which i had to pay for. throughout the evening i talked to some of our guests, some of my colleagues and at some point even to our mayor. several local polititians, famous and rich people were there. the president of government of the city and the cultural minister of our state.
in the course of the evening, three people approached me to tell me how pretty i looked. the first was a creepy guy who whispered in my ear that my dress is just so nice, the other was the woman who is head of the custome department of the theatre and the third was one of my favourite actresses, who herself was wearing the prettiest red and sparkly dresses. she is a wonderful woman, a stunning actress and very elegant and polite. i am still very flattered by her compliment. i am also somewhat convinced that the fact that i looked good in that dress was also what isolated me. i was smily, nice and approachable - yet mostly alone. i could tell many people were glancing at me from a distance, but i was rarely approached. i could tell that my female colleagues were treating me weirdly and that my male colleagues were somewhat shy. i even have a suspicion that one of the new actors, a guy more or less my age freshly graduated the acting academy, has a crush on me. we encoutered each other several times in the busy foyer and he always seemed like he wanted to talk to me but ended up too shy. he is a good boy and i hope in the course of the next season we will befriend each other. another new actress on the other hand behaved rather contrariwise: i saw her judging me from head to toe and when we had eye contact her facial expression was very arrogant and weird. it's a pity.
i ended up leaving only saying goodbye to my colleague from the bar. he is a good friend now, but that evening he was so busy. we had an emotional goodbye, since we won't see each other for two months. he will travel to australia to go on holidays with his wife, who lives in bangladesh and has yet failed to be granted visa to our country.
i was disappointed by the lack of genuine conversation and goodbye moments. my former boss will also work somewhere else, he was the only other one who got me, with a similar background to me and a similar humour. he did not even say goodbye. i am still sad but also enjoyed the drunken melancholia i felt. js. picked me up close to the theatre, i was actually quite drunk.
in the morning i woke up at 5:30 and sat down to study statistics all morning. i was so incredibly panicked about this exam. i had procrastinated it already for a year and i was convinced i am too dumb to write it. i don't even know why i did that. though i only studied for it in the last three days, i still was much more prepared than it was necessary. the exam was so incredibly easy, i could not believe it. i was one of the first people out of about 300 to finish and felt a mixture of proud and defeated. defeated, because i had procrastinated, i had convinced myself for no reason that i was incapable. perhaps i should learn from this experience.
i should just do what i can and with that tackle the exams. just give it a shot. and maybe i will be surprised by how easy they are. tomorrow i will write an exam in comparative political science, that i will also still have to study for in the morning again.