A - Tumblr Posts
Perhaps my all time favorite part of Ten and Donna's dynamic is whenever Donna's like 'hey I'm gonna head out" and Ten is like "I understand. I can't lie and say that I'm ready for you to leave but I would never try to trap you here. I love you and thank you and before you go I want you to know that you've changed me on a fundamental level your presence has rewritten my DNA for the better I'll remember you and sing your praises to the stars with my dying breath" and Donna's like "I'm going on a milk run. Calm the fuck down."
Clark Kent, the man of RIZZ! 💙❤️
“Lois Lane. No matter where you go, all you ever have to do is say my name. And I’ll be there.”
Hello! Sooo this was originally for a drabble challenge but 1. I apparently have no idea what a drabble is- 2. It went over the limit by like 2K cause I though it said 2K words was the limit but it was 2K characters. I am beyond blind im- Anyways uhh here you go i guess, a free oneshot😭 Oh one more thing, this used characters labeled A and B. So you can align this with anyone(fictional/real/a ship/etc.) you want:D
Who Needs Words?
Published: 1-9-2024
Words: 695
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sound of a muffled radio and a car on tar was the only noise that filled the vehicle. Neither A nor B were silent from anger or embarrassment or anything of that nature. They were simply silent because it was comforting. Words weren’t needed to have a simple memory.
“Y’know what I want?” B spoke randomly from the passenger's seat. A had gotten used to B’s random tendencies.
“Hm?” A hummed in response, making sure to watch the road that was lit up by the car lights. They held the steering wheel calmly, waiting for B to finish their question.
“Good-old-fashioned love,” B’s face held a small yet proud smile. They seemed to be interested in this topic because of their body language. A took a quick glance at B before going back to the road.
“Do you mean like, 1940s kind of love?” A asked curiously. They didn’t mind the topic taking the place of the silence. As long as they were with B then it was alright.
“Basically!” B’s posture straightened against the seat belt. “Just the unconditional love that can be found. The pure loyalty to each other and expecting nothing in return. I want that. I want to be asked my favorite color and then be surprised with my favorite flowers in the color. I want to be given handmade gifts that would cost less than a cent to buy but cost millions for thought and effort.”
A listened intently as B rambled on and on, not even thinking to stop B. A enjoyed B’s rambles. They enjoyed how B could get excited over the littlest things, whether it’s a duck or a coin on the ground. Against their better judgment, A zoned out for a second. They stole glances at B and nodded softly to act as if they were listening but A was making a mental plan. They remembered everything B said and made a silent promise to grant this wish to B if it was the last thing A did. When A finally came back to reality, they focused on B and the road again.
“I want to grow old together and have shared thousands of memories together,” B paused for a second, having an expression that looked lost for a moment. A took a hand off the wheel and placed it onto B’s shoulder, nudging them a little to bring them back to Earth. B seemed to snap out of their little dream and smiled at A. Oh that smile could melt the sun any day. B’s smile had the power to cool the hottest deserts and warm the coldest tundras.
“I think that’s all I wanted to say, sorry if I rambled,” B rubbed the back of their neck shyly, embarrassed for talking so long.
“Why are you sorry? I enjoy listening to you go on and on about anything.” A comforted, keeping their eyes on the road.
“Really?” B questioned, unsure if they should really believe A’s statement.
“Obviously. I love hearing you talk on the phone for hours with me at 2 AM because you saw a cute bird on the way to work. Or how you saw a mother taking her two kids to that one park a few days ago. I love listening to you, B. You brighten my day by just being here, and you can’t imagine how bright my day is when you talk. I love seeing your smile and hearing the little pitch up in your voice. I love it all.” A gushed, careful not to admit their true feelings for their best friend. A couldn’t risk the friendship dying off all because they confessed their feelings.
B had a look of pure shock that melted into a comforted and soft expression. Instead of responding, B stayed quiet and let the car ride resume its earlier silence. A took a small look at B. After seeing B’s content face, A relaxed too and let out a deep breath. As before, the only noise in the vehicle were the sounds of the muffled radio and car tires on a tar road. Words weren’t needed to have a simple memory.
in the theatre foyer, feb 6 '24
fifty minutes until that play will be perfomed again. quite the whole team is here to help. we haven't perfomed it in almost a year, it requires special technical efforts.
a. just arrived and brought me the high heels i had left at his place a few weeks ago. he had a quick chat with me in the foyer, some guests were already waiting and t. the theatre director was around, so i felt rather uncomfortable. in general, i don't like how most of our colleagues know abour our affair, or what they think is a relationship. i guess a. himself believes this is a relationship. he had just been granted a few days off in march, which he will spend to come visit me in nyc. actually, his mother will be around stopping in the city during her cruise and all of us three will sleep in one hotel room. i find people that do cruises incredibly abhorrent. n.'s, an ex, parents were big fans of cruises as well. i have come to the point where i consider this a red flag. in general, a. is a walking red flag.
his purpose in life is to be an actor and i like his passion for theatre. i mean, i more specifically like the fact that he is passionate for *something* and has managed to make it is occupation. other than that, he is a complete child. spends around 500 euros a month purely for weed, his diet is ridicilously unhealthy, he does not do any sports at all, he has no etiquette whatsoever and probably is the most irresponsible person i know. i am more revolted by him than attracted to him. the only reason i enjoy his company is the fact that i feel protected by him, in a physical way. i also like to be together with one of the actors. often i feel somewhat like a spy, i want to know all the inside knowledge, all the details. i like to know things and to be involved. i feel like i use him but i don't feel too guilty about it.
the theatre
in september of 2021 i moved from my home town to the city i study in.
the first three months are a chapter i shall dedicate it's own post to. in general it is to be explained that for one year i did not actually study, i was only enrolled in uni for enjoying the benefits of being a student (it was because i had missed an important deadline to apply to the course i actually wanted to do). early 2022 my life consisted of living in this wonderful dormitory, working three jobs at the same time and indulging myself into the cultural life of the city as much as possible.
it is one of those student benefits that we can go to the theatre for free, which i really made use of going to the theatre up to 4 times a week. we have about 3 main theatres in this city. the theatre i am talking about is a relativley small (at least compared to the city theatre) private theatre. small in this case describing the ensemble, which only consits of 15 actors in total, 8 of which are under a fulltime contract, the rest just being occasional guest actors.
though the ensemble is small, the repertoire is big, diverse, ever changing and very interesting. this season we are performing 21 different plays! this makes it very popular, even more popular than the big city theatre.
the combination of those factors made it very attractive to me. it felt homey from the beginning on. it made me want to read up on every detail and background information i could get my hands on. i started looking up the actors' backgrounds and read and collected the little booklets they have accompanying each play. this went on until summer, until they went on break. after their break i only went occasionally and in most of 2023 i had kind of forgotten about it, having too many things to do and basically travelling all the time.
in september 2023 though, shortly before i returned back to europe from america i was sitting in this bakery thinking about how my life needs to change when i get back. actually starting the course that i wanted to study in october 2022, i had told myself to want to focus on studying and quit the jobs i had that time. but i ran out of money eventually and really needed a new job. and on that rainy late summer morning in the crowded bakery that reminded me of the bakeries in europe i had the idea to apply to the theatre. they did not officially look for a person, but literally just 5 minutes after i had sent my application i already got an answer inviting me to an interview. my now superior later asked me how i could have possibly known they are looking for somebody and said how my timing was just perfect. he himself, his name is m., had only started at the theatre in september. he is the assistant to the director and the main person handling the bureaucratic issues.
the theatre team consits of following groups of people: the actors obviously, the director and his assistant m., the dramaturgy, the pr, the stage tech guys, the constume people, the restaurateur and the ticket sellers&inspectors, latter group i belong to. we are about 60 people, but on a daily basis you encounter the same 15 people more or less.
it is the ideal job for me who is passionate about literature and theatre and likes to interact with people. almost every time i am working our guests compliment my friendliness or the way i consult them about which play they should watch for example. and it's true, if i want to i can be very charismatic and i definitely know how to make use of that talent... but honestly, this is what i expect us as the main people who our guests get to interact with to be like. unfortunately my colleagues do not seem to share this view, since often they are rude and harsh for no reason. which makes me cringe a lot. but is also a chance for me to stand out. in this rather small town you do not meet people only once, but will eventually encounter them again. therefore it is always good to firstly know and remember people and secondly for them to have a good opinion about you. so far, this kind of thinking has literally given me a job i had once, made it possible for me to be in the us right now or to live with the old gentleman without paying rent.
...
the job itself turning out to be fairly easy and relaxed, i made it my mission to involve myself with as many things i shouldn't be involved in as only a ticket seller as i could. i would for example befriend the stage tech people and spend much time backstage or help the restaurateur as a waitress from time to time when i have nothing else to do. i always see the theatre as a side quest and want to involve myself in some drama (without being negativly affected from it though, but rather just a bystander or spy-like figure). for that i really wanted to get involved with some guys at the theatre. there were several more or less possible candidates:
ja.: one of the stage tech guys, 33, a nerd really, always rather quiet, tall, grunge styled, playing the piano very well. our encounters always being akward but charged with a certain tension... but unfortunately in a relationship;
jü.: his father, one of the fulltime actors, about 65, divorced, very handsome, tall, giving androgynous vibes, with an almost intimidating way of carrying himself, always leaves social gatherings first, an incredible dancer and singer and in general just the ideal lana-del-rey-core strict daddy;
pa.: also around thirty, stage tech guy as well, bit nerdy and chill, just a fun guy, but kinda boring;
m.: around 34, my superior, well educated but kind of confused, fun and dirty minded. but in a longterm relationship;
a.: fulltime actor, 29, chubby in a dad bod way, into alt fashion, stoner, mama's boy, flirty and extravagant, a loud personality really, into partying and drugs much, very much of an idiot and child, but also just a kind and gentle guy., and most importantly: single and therefore obtainable!
the event i had most looked forward to as a chance for drama was the theatre's internal christmas celebration on december 18th. i had even bought a dress for that purpose, it is the red one in this collage. the procedure of things was following: all of us were gathering in the foyer where we also have a small stage. On there several actors and staff members had perfomed christmas themed texts, plays or music pieces. after that was done everybody recieved their christmas money one after the other, handed personally by our main sponsor (one of those many very rich people living in the town). Then, the buffet was opened. everybody was quick to take food, chat a bit with their group of peopple (always only exactly the group of people they themselves belonged to) and then, very soon most people had left.
i was disappointed. i expected there to be possibilites of each groups of people to mix and get to know each other, but nobody seemed interested in that at all. the two highlights keeping people there were the money and the food. non surpringly somehow.
it was only one person who had somewhat made an effort of "putting himself out there". it was a. who sat at the table of the ticket sellers. most of all of us (we are about 8 people) are students that other than this job would have nothing to do with theatre, nor need to have any training for the job that we do, therefore we are always rather outsiders. but yes, a. being by far the youngest of the actors probably felt weird and bored to sit with the 35-70 year old people. i strategically sat down next to him. wearing a parfume i had bought shortly before that i really like and had gotten many compliments for. i was drinking one glass of red wine after the other (yes, alcohol was for free as well!) which itself was great fun for me. he was drinking beer, behaving exactly like the kind of chav the he looks like he is. during the ceremony he commented on things, laughed and applauded loudly. i myself like leaving cynical or naughty comments or references on things, and so i did. we basically were the only people really enjoying ourselves, sitting next to each other we soon began on joking together, it was great fun.
eventually the ceremony had ended, everybody recieved their money, ate some food and most of the staff left. it was only some of the actors and a few of the ticket sellers and the directors and their assistants left. we gathered to dance and drink more. typically i am not a party girl at all, but as it is with everybody, things change after a certain number of drinks.
unfortunately that day nothing else happened. at some point even some of us left and i got bored and felt akward. i just decided to quietly sneak out and walk home rather disappointed.
the melodramatic bitch i am i kept on listening to "margaret" by lana del rey even days after that. the line "the party is december 18" and "when you know you know" kind of fed my delusions of disappointed hope. my longing for excitement had one seemingly last chance left: new year's eve...
the sign of the times - my situation right now
i am writing this sitting in a fancy lounge of a college of what many call the best university of the world.
until april i'll be here auditing classes, catching up on my own uni work, getting things done for the two organizations i am president of (unfortunately), will hopefully develop the habits of going jogging/to the gym, waking up early and eating healthy. lent just started today, which gives me extra motivation to actually be disciplined for once. whether i am really religious i will talk about another time.
i myself have not done much to "deserve to be here", i sneaked my way all into here. it started when i met b. in my home country in 2022. after seeing his interesting name tag (i had never seen a name like his before) on a room in the dorm i had just moved into, i looked him up and he was fascinating. i just had to get to know him... which i set my mind to and we ended up dating for almost two years. he is a high achieving academic in the same field i study, which is politics&law. obviously, there is a rather big age difference between us.
but yeah, we had many good times, the reason for why we broke up is something i elaborate on another time as well. him being a workaholic led him to the us where i am now. i had done an internship in this city last september when he initially began his fellowship. i came back since i am on break of university and i can live with him rent free.
being here i like to get to know all kinds of people. in general, this very much is my hobby. i like getting to know different lifestyles and world views. with the intention of always questioning my own. after graduating highschool i did a lot of couchsurfing in europe about which i can, and perhaps will, write many stories. recently i discovered another great tool for getting to know people: dating apps. especially for when you are not in a relationship anymore.
back home i currently have two situationships going on: one with a. that i actually am rather disgusted by and the other with y. whom i'm beginning to almost worship to an extent that is unhealthy (lol).
whatever.
about my future perspectives: recent years after graduating highschool, being in uni and not being dedicated and disciplined at all whilst also working all kinds of jobs, travelling to almost every european country and simoulatnously engaging myself in several organizations i have come to the conclusion (that is ongoingly edited/expanded) that nothing really matters other than the quality of the things i am consuming, thinking and doing. i really do not care about materialistic belongings or having a career that leads to as much money as possible as soon as possible. of course, this is a rather priviledged stance that i can only have because my country has a rather good social welfare system. but also, it is about my mindset and my claims on life. i really do not want much.
i could go on, but that shall be enough for now. maybe i'll gain some readers sometime. but mostly this is for me as a practice of contemplation and will serve as a future time capsule. i myself have this weird urge of stalking people's lives so maybe you'll find me interacting with your public diaries.
new year's eve 23/24
i had dinner a while ago (i ate what i had packed myself in the to go box when b. and me went to the dining hall for lunch), before that i had gone on a bike ride with the wonderful road bike a kind researcher of some postdoc whatsapp group (that once again i had sneaked myself in, being far away from being one myself) lends me during the course of my stay.
and now i am here, once again sitting in a very fancy&old library of this amazing university. b. is away for the weekend leaving me with his card to be able to open doors myself and not needing to sneak into the establishments, which lets me live out my delusion of myself being the one that made it here. however, i had sworn myself to write down my thoughts about recent times as much as i could make time for it. i just feel like i always regret not writing things down if i don't do it, so here we go:
i am continuing to explain the developments after december 18th's christmas' celebration at the theatre. being left disappointed, i had set my hopes to nye and had gone sure to be assigned the shift that works the night. it was a special day at the theatre: we were performing the same play three times. it is based on sartre's "no exit" and requires all 8 fulltime actors to play. the first performance was set at 3pm, the second at 6pm and the third at 10pm with an interruption at midnight for the guests and the team to be able to admire the fireworks outside and celebrate the new year together. just before midnight it was my task to serve champaigne to the people in the theatre hall. then, all of the team members joined the actors on stage to count down... it was a memorable start of 2024 for sure. after the play we offered a buffet. the atmosphere being really happy, exhausted, light hearted i stayed until 2:30am and helped everywhere i could. i had lost track of how many glasses of champaigne i had myself but i was just happy and euphoric. with this mood i rode my bike home expecting to be able to join a house party i was invited to at my dorm. the day before i had specifically asked whether they will be celebrating the whole night to which they agreed.
and of course, when i arrived i could still see those red and blue lights from the outside giving me some hope, but when i entered the kitchen i only found empty bottles and an incredibly dirty kitchen. being drunk and disappointed yet my body decided to lay down on their dirty sofa to cope with the situation and reflect. doing so i inevitably fell asleep for some time, it must have been about an hour when a girl entered the kitchen to help herself to some water i guess. being completly startled feeling caught sleeping on somebody else's kitchen sofa adrenaline rushed into me which induced me to think "this cannot have been it", "i wanted something to happen for so long, i cannot accept my fate". without further ado and almost like a natural logical consequence i sent a. a dm on instagram.
oh, i forgot to mention that after i had gotten home from the christmas party i had followed him to which he instantly added me back and complimented the parfume and dress i was wearing. which i did not allow to lead to further conversation because at that time i still thought he was in a relationship, which changed when just on the evening of new year's i had asked somebody about to which they responded he was in an open relationship. (which was false infromation as well, since he is simply single) allowing me to finally give it a shot...
so i had sent him this message and again he promptly responded and invited me to join him at this bar/club. i jumped on my bike, freezing and still quite drunk questioning my whole life but also ready for whatever would be coming. and lots was to come i could not even imagine to...
i had arrived at the club, went inside, paid the fee and surprisingly was let in without hesitation even though it has an age limit that i am still very much below. but i guess they don't care about that much when it comes to young girls (i certainly do not look that age). anyway, i had never been to this club, it was build like a regular house: you go upstairs and there are several rooms each decorated in a living room kinda way. each room was playing different music, it was much to explore and i was very much lost. but soon to be found by a. who covered my eyes from behind to greet me. he led me into a crowded room where two of his friends were dancing: a small chubby and shy guy who is so irrelevant that i won't even dedicate him his own abbreviation and jc., a lanky dude looking like every other hipster. it was his moustache in particular that on the one hand disgusted me being so common nowadays for a certain pretentious group of guys, but on the other hand also was extremly appealing as i have always been attracted to them - even before they were cool in the gen z/millenial generation.
so there i was with three guys none of whom i really knew much, but happy not to be alone. i got introduced, was continously supplied with gin&tonics, my favourite drink after red wine, dancing and enjoying myself. i did notice one strange thing: i could not believe my eyes when i saw two actual old people dance very close to us... turns out, a.'s mother and father had been dancing with them ever since they got there, i just couldn't grasp the absurdity of the moment which led me to just take it as it is.
eventually a. as well as jc. and me we dancing really closely right in front of a.'s parents' eyes. there was an incredible amount of sexual tension between both a. and me, and jc. and me. i did try to cheer up jo. and make him dance and lose himself, but he was just too shy which i certainly do not want to judge. in fact, it was nice to dance with somebody who was not creepy for once. every time a. left the room jc. would take his chance and dance with me - a dynamic which at that point was a habinger for else to come. i had just so much fun being the center of attention, being cared and longed for. i could completely lose myself and did not care about anything.
unfortunately at some point the music just was too bad to endure, they certainly wanted people to leave, it must have been around 4am, a.'s parents had already left without me noticing, as us four also left the club. jo. said goodbye to us going to his hostel - he and jc. actually travelled quite far only to be with a. that night. they were childhood best friends. jc., a. and me went somewhere else together. somewhere else where i believed was a.'s flat.
but no, it turned out to be a shared flat by a.'s best friends in town. the apartment was dirty, messy and full of political posters. they all are radical lefties, antifascists. and also radical stoners. those young people that i just cannot stop myself from considering as losers. they all "study" something (if even), and are spoiled by their parents' money that they waste on drugs. those kind of people that look homeless and like to pretend as if they were poor to be edgy, but in fact come from wealthy backgrounds.
well, at this point i was so drunk and tired i had lossed control completely and just went with whatever happened. i don't remember details, but we gathered in one room with sofas on the sides and a carpet in the middle. we were about 10 people i guess, some were dancing, many just sitting and smoking. for a long time i was also sitting, being very cold i was brought a blanket, i was just too tired. jc. was sitting close to me, i approached him and snuggled up to him. he comforted me, eventually demanding a kiss. knowing that a. was watching us i felt uncomfortable a bit still. it was always as if he had some claim on me, as if it was clear that i belong to him. i ended up falling asleep on jc.'s lap for some time. i felt incredibly safe and comfortable. in a moment i felt half asleep jc. asked "will we ever kiss tonight?!" which i answered by kissing him and then falling asleep completely.
i woke up very energized, it must have been around 7am. people, though less people, were still dancing and smoking. i was offered soup. i was confused about everything but just again took it as it was. after having eaten i joined the people dancing. i was jumping around the room to metal music with my blanket. at some point a. could get ahold of me and lured me into dancing with him. it must have been very close and again very sexually loaded. he touched me everywhere, his strong arms hugging me to kiss me. it was this excitement you feel when finally allowing the tension to be relieved.
the rest of the morning we spent jumping, dancing and kissing. all of it went on until 12pm! the sky was grey so we could not tell the difference between day and night. a. decided it was time to leave though. lead by a. and jc. i trotted like an obidient lamb wherever to they were leading me.
we arrived in a.'s shared flat, him only having one room which barely fit his bed, a chair, his extremly big tv (redflag!!!) and some shelve. the boys lied down in the bed next to each other. me not trying to be completely blatant sat down sideways on the chair and attempted to sleep a bit. of course it was extremly uncomfortable. at some point i had gathered the energy and courage to request whether i could join them in the bed. which, who would have thought, they did not deny.
i lied down between them and fell asleep feeling as safe as never before. sleeping inbetween two guys i was attracted to, two guys i had danced with and kissed that evening. two guys that knew each other for about 25 years. two guys with rather opposite body types and personalities. two guys i could not have chosen only one of.
we did sleep for some time. i eventually snuggled up to a. but while also holdng jc.'s hand. a. caressed my body, first hesitantly but soon increasingly passionately. jc. got notice from that and copied that by grapping my ass. the motion naturally escalated and intensified. i was overwhelmed and unsure how to act. i did not just want to lie without doing anything so i tried doing justice to both. jc. definitely being more passionate and couragous he slowly started fucking me anally, which actually was the first time for me and was rather semi enjoyable. at the same time a. was undressing me, getting his hands on everything that he was able to free of cloths. he was kissing my breasts and fingering me... when sucking a.'s dick which would not stay hard because he was too excited i guess, jc. fingered me. in general i liked interacting with jc. much more than with a. jc. was more aggressive, more demanding, more direct. when kissing him he choked me just right. in those moments i truly wished a. would have just left us alone already. only when he went to go shower, jc. and me were able to enjoy fully. but when a. came inside the room again it was like jc. had to hand me to him again. i do enjoy being the object that is "being handed over" and used, but of course i would have liked to get used by the guy i was actually more into.
it was the first threesome for all three of us. it was definitely not completely satisfactory for everybody, but it was quite the experience for each party involved. we slept next to each other until around 5pm. the atmosphere when we were awake was akward, not really being able to process what had just happened.
jc. left to join jo. for food and a. and me went back to bed sleeping, cuddling and kissing for some hours. around 9pm we met up with jc. and jo. again, in order to say bye, since they were leaving to their hometowns again. a. was observing closely how i would say goodbye to jc. both of us felt akward and we just hugged each other in a very tentative way. what a shame that was. i still miss him from time to time and hope to see him again in summer this year.
that eventful day was the beginning of a.'s and mine situationship. over the course of the next weeks we would spend much time together. sleeping next to each other, sleeping with each other, kissing in the theatre, watching animated comedy series, eating junk food. in short: i was living a completly hedonist and lazy lifestyle, which for him seems to be just his everyday life. i did and do very much enjoy how a.'s body feels, how he kisses me, gropes me, is obsessed with me and uses me. but i am also extremly disgusted by his laziness, stupidity, dependentness on his mother, his many incapabilities of failing to be a responsible grown up, his non exisiting discipline, his loud ways, the noises he makes. the disgusting things he eats, his infantile way of thinking and debating... all of those things remind me too much of my own father.
i want somebody with dignity, with self respect, with discipline. somebody i can learn from. somebody i truly feel safe with and not just through them being able to physically overpower me and most people. somebody i can truly let myself go and not need to worry for once. somebody mature.
ironically, y. checks all of those boxes. it is only that his body type is completely the opposite of a.'s. y. barely is taller than me and i am certainly stronger than him. whereas i have absolutely no chance against a. he looks rather intimidating and is not a person who couldn't defend me. this fact yet again leads to him being even more gentle in fear of actually hurting me seriously. which i obviously do not like.
so yes, 2024 started wildly. my hopes for drama and excitement finally were satisfied. i was courages and it paid off. unfortunately getting to know a. throughout the past weeks made me lose all interest in him. okay, there might me some physical interest there still, but i will hopefully find substitute for that soon.
back in town
since Tuesday i am back in this incredible town in which everything seems to have just stayed the same. since yesterday back living with j., the old english gentleman.
the past days it has been raining, ever since i am back i have been trying to get my life in control again. my sleeping pattern being the absolute weirdest (i woke up at 2am and slept at 8pm yesterday).
today though it has been the first sunny day of the week. i woke up around 7:30am. it's farmer's market, i am sitting in my favourite café, i bought lillies for just twelve euros, i have already taken care of j.'s cloths, made him breakfast, listened to him practicing one of favourite of bach's fugues, went shopping, cleaned, wrote job applications to several law offices and to one bar as a bartender and one jazz bar as a ticket control person.
yesterday my boss at the theatre wanted to meet me for a talk. I feared getting fired. though I could not think of a reason why... I did not get fired but unfortunately experienced somewhat of an intervention. he told me how several of my colleagues had complained about me. apparently they percieve me as arrogant and cold. L O L i could not believe my ears and was completly startled. I am the last person to be arrogant and cold. i am just so chill and nice. the only thing i am and i admit is that i am direct. and i absolutely hate passive agressiveness, fakeness and condescending treatment. and this is what i am pretty sure about: the people that must have complained about me are the ones that i had some disputes with since they have treated me condescendingly and i simply did not accept to be treated that way. they are in no superior position to me and have no more knowledge or skill. sure, i should not be disrespectful to anyone, but i was not. how is it my fault if those people have weak personalities and feel personally attacked when i treat them the way they treat me? i am a happy and carefree person in general and doing this job i absolutely refuse to work in a bad or passive agressive energy. if you have a problem, be direct and tell me. but don't belittle me or treat me condescendingly. especially not in front of the guests. funnily enough i am the person that our guests like the best. litterally every single time i work people give me compliments on how nice i am, how well i consulted them and how much they like coming here when i am there. and that is because i am actually passionate about working at this theatre. i am actually interested and i am not fake like all of my colleagues. i am not made for this fake-ass-corporate-talk-politically-correct society. i may sound like a karen saying that, but i really don't care. i am open, friendly, passionate and nice. and respectful for sure... what do i learn from this? i should be more careful with those people. i will reduce my interaction with them to the minimum. i will not interfere with them, i will not share anything private. they are fake and have low self esteem. luckily there are some cool people working at this theatre and with them i get along so well (my boss being one of them). especially with all the actors. unfortunately though, this month i will not really be able to work, because i did not know my availabilites early enough. but on sunday i will attend our most recent play: girls&boys by dennis kelly, a solo.
other than that, i am happy to be back in europe. life feels light-hearted and somewhat easy. people are on the streets, there are plenty cafés, bakeries and establishments. i feel alive and mobile. on tuesday i will look at a new bike that i might buy. js. and me are in touch every day and we are planning his visit prospectivly in may. i am so happy to have him. and i love how our communication is so well, how we are into each other to what seems to be the same extent. i am trying to find a little illegal job for him to do whilst his stay so he can learn my language a bit more and earn some money perhaps. but he'll be fine just discovering and travelling in case that would not work out. unfortunately though i will not have time to join him on trips much. i'll have so many things to do: uni, two or perhaps three jobs, my two organisations and soon a new sport: rowing!!! i have been on this waiting list to finally get a spot for lessons for three years now! and finally my time has come. i am SO looking forward.
regarding university i will take classes on international relations, comparative political science, migration in political theory, public international law and two very basic law classes: constitutional law and private law. i should have written those exams last year alraedy but was too anxious and always postponed them. but now, i cannot afford postponing them anymore. there are some other classes i take, but they are less interesting and just technical things. i am looking forward to this semester though, especially to the political science part of my studies. recently i had a great correspondence with one lecturer whose seminar i was hoping to take part in. unfortunately though i got assigned a different one and emailed him whether i could chance to his. he notified me about it actually having been cancelled due to his research project. i asked for the syllabus in order to inform myself at least and he made the effort to write a very long mail listing all the books and explaining his thinking behind choosing them. i told him how i would read all of it until he will offer the seminar the next time next year. and i am actually determined to do so. the funniest part of it: another reason i really wanted to take his course was because him and me had matched on bumble in december lol!!! on there i used my middle name to be somewhat anonymous (because this town is just so small) and was so surprised when he actually matched me back. the first thing he asked me was whether i study at the political science institute which i of course agreed to. we had quite the long chat about how of course we could not actually meet up and how he was sorry to have accepted the match, how he had just ended a longterm relationship and how he is lonely. i had adviced him to perhaps set his age range a bit higher in order to avoid such embarrassing incidents. i had told him how i would tell nobody and will just pretend this has never happened. dating students really is a no go and he'd surely be fired for that i guess. i had ensured him how if we ever met in person he would not recognise me. he wondered why, i told him how my name was slightly different and in the pictures i had used on bumble my face was not visible. i like him though and we definitely vibe. even funnier is that he actually is younger than b. who had been my boyfriend for almost two years and who has a much better academic position than him. that guy could not even imagine qualifying for positons at yale and harvard lol. do i sound arrogant? YES lol, but that's just the truth. b. is a very special person. very smart, knowledgable but in the end also very much of a "silly goofy girl" like i am, hence we get along so well. b. and me are in good contact as well. though he has blocked me on his work phone, we talk every night and sometimes in the early morning when i am awake alraedy and he still is awake.
so yeah, exciting times lie ahead as always. the most important thing for me (and the most challenging quest with that) will be to be disciplined and to stay persistent. i am passionate and hard working for sure. i just have to prove how i can be so persistently. for now, i will continue getting my life back on track by giving y. back his suitcase, updating him on the most recent events, perhaps finally texting a. and excusing to him, getting in touch with some other people i have ignored for too long and establishing contacts to several psychologists in order to one day get a place for therapy.
12 bottles of wine
what a nice day yesterday was.
i woke up at 4am with no alarm. spent the first two hours rather unproductive in bed, chatting with js. i eventually proceeded into the kitchen, making matcha and a sweet breakfast bowl with strawberries, peach, oatmeal and yogurt! how very healthy of me!!! watched some videos on politics&news and around 8am rode my bike to the café to finish fraser's book. at 9.30 that was accomplished, so i rewarded myself with two new books!! one big publication by three sociologists and a collection of essays by jonathan franzen. i feel drawn to him since i know that he is a good friend of js.' uncle. i started the corrections, but it is just so exhausting for me to read. the language is so sophistaced and there are so many american concepts, things or places i don't have a clue about... i definitely want to read that book, but i intentionally have to dedicate extra time to it. so reading those essays is easier for me...i spent the whole morning and early afternoon reading in the café and at some point in the library. i also read about 70 pages of papers for uni, so that's good!
at around 3 i went home to meet j. when yesterday he realised that he is out of wine, he proposed going to get some at his favourite merchant together. he first had to go to the hospital for some mobility training to keep him fit, during this time i showered. weather was amazing and he felt overambitious, so he only took his walking stick with him. at some point i receive a call: him saying he does need his walker. so i carry it to the hospital and from there on our adventure begon. slowly but steadily we headed down that lively street. when we eventually arrived the merchant, i could tell j. comes here quite regularly. the merchant treated him like a vip. j. began enumerating what kinds of wine he would like to have and asked about new kinds available. i was struck! he just never stopped enumerating and so the bottles got more and more. i think i will never acquire as many bottles of wine ever again. another casual proof of how posh he actually is.
we (I) carried only a part of the bottles home, the merchant delivered the rest to us by bike. on our way back we stopped by that café that is attached to my favourite cinema. the outside area was so crowded, but we managed to join some lady. it was so lovely sitting in the sun chatting with j. i told him about my books, he shared stories about his son. so nice! also, as this town is just so small, of course i knew the girl that served us: i used to study with her for a bit.
after we had gotten home, i collected my stuffs and again left outside for a walk. i attempted finding a new spot to read, but ended up reading on the exact same bench in the park i read before on the weekend. directly when i had settled there i realised a., my former fling (the actor guy), was in the park playing some game with some people. he is just so insufferable and obnoxious, one could not not notice him when he is around. i am pretty sure he also noticed me reading there. - to be honest, i don't give a shit anymore. i have so many weird open conflicts with people hereat this point that if i wanted to go sure not to see any of those, i wouldn't even be able to leave the house. so i will just not give a shit anymore. people shall think i am an asshole or whatever. i know that i am not, i know i had my reasons, i am not going to put effort into convincing people otherwise and kiss anybody's ass. especially not losers like him! seriously! - anyway, sitting there reading after only a few i minutes i encoutered another person i know: my boss from the theatre! he is so chill and has my back, i like him a lot. he was carrying two beers, got delighted to see me and just said hello. funny interaction somewhat.
but yeah, now that the weather gets better i realised i know people everywhere, if i stare long enough into the nothingness, sooner or later there will be a person i would rather not like to see... i think this will be a good practice for me of becoming more focused and careless really. living here the next two years will really require me being above all that meaningless social shit.
i am not saying i am too good to have friends or social contacts, no lol. but i want to spend time with actual good people for once. there is actually a group of people i am curious about already for some time. they seem to be hip, chill, but also into what they are studying, which is somehow humanities/law related. i keep encountering them at the café and the library. in fact, they are also friends with former colleagues of b., they worked at the same research facility. and of cocurse that also means that they are somewhat older than me. with one of them i even danced once at a party of that very lefty student establishment. i don't normally party, but that time a. and me had gone together and that was actually really fun. because that i have to admit: a. is great fun at parties and social events. because he is just so eccentric and is seemingly confident in his body, performing. well, exactly what one would expect from an actor!... but yeah, i hope that eventually i'll actually get to know those people somehow. i am not sure how though. just a few minutes ago three of them gathered next to me in the café and i overheard their conversations. apparently they are involved in some student podcast project about recent research, quite cool!
today i woke up at 6am with no alarm. chatted with js for some time and stayed in bed until 7.30 unfortunately. i got ready only slowly, because i decided to ditch that international relations class. the lecturer is just so bad and the students are just so stupid. the quality of this class is really not good. though i had read both papers extensivly (and was most definitely the only person that did that), i really was not in the mood for that. i also ditched the class after that. i don't know, out of laziness really. i am not proud, but i figured that i would get more done simply sitting here and reading. and perhaps that's true. tomorrow is labour day, so i have the whole day for catching up on things and being productive. i overheard the "cool kids" (my new code word for that group of interesting people) say that they will party today&tomorrow. and yeah that reminded me of how the start of may is a reason to celebreate for people here. on one hand i am proud of myself for being rather focused and living a quiet lifestyle. on the other hand it would be nice to once join people to go party, especially because weather is nice and all. going to bars or clubs alone is not a thing people do here at all! it's not a thing at all to get to know people spontanously unfortunately. in other cities and countries i have done that and would do so with no problem, but here it's just very weird. it's a pity, but i am not too sad, because in two weeks js. will be here and i will be able to take him everywhere i go: libraries, cafés and bars!!! i am so looking forward :) especially to getting drunk at bars and making out lol. i also wanna go to some party with him. i am sure he will be in awe with how alive this town is. i mean, he has been to buenos aires, a fairly european style city i guess. but this town here is unique. it has many young student people and all features of a big city, whilst still being cute and historical.
now i will go shopping, later will clean my dorm room for a boy i sublease to for those two weeks, then attend a lecture on comparative politics and right after that cover a shift at the theatre! my first one after three months! so excited! especially because i will get to see my theatre crush ja., son of my other theatre crush jü. lol
a saturday
i am sitting in my box office. my dear coworker just gave me a little something to eat. i had a chill day. got some errands done: bought a cute sundress and sent some international mail for j.
i also met my ukranian friend that i haven't seen in half a year. so many things happened in our lives. she had kept it a secret to me that she had had a tumour in her brain. only now that it has successfully been removed she told everybody. how brave of her... she is doing her master's and studies in a different city. she got several scholarships and is a very strong and knowledgable young woman. she is just a year older than me but she is so far ahead. she took much responsiblity for her sister, with whom she flew to this country by herself. i had met her through facebook through a group for looking for friends. she is a quiet and calm girl. we are not the best friends but i appreciate her a lot.
she had joined me in my office for some time, because we couldn't make it to meet before my shift would start. but working here is just so chill. i updated her about everything: my time in the us in september, my very lonely winter back here, my fling with the actor, my time in the us this year, my new boyfriend js. who will visit me from tuesday on (!!!!), my new job, my new living situation, the thing with my lecturer... i always rather have many things going on i guess. other than her unfortunate tumour she did not have too many pieces news. but she has a new student assistant job! so cool! her job would be my dream! she for example is involved in organising a conference that one of the professors i adore is a key note speaker at! perhaps i will visit her in her city and join the conference as a passive listener. side note: when we were sitting together in my office my former fling a. walked by hastily. i know there was no reason for him to walk by me. he just wanted to show himself to me. it was the first time we had encountered after three months...
j. is watching eurovision with his wife tonight. he invited me to join mass tomorrow morning. i would love to, but spontanously got invited to join the rowing people, which i am also looking forward to. i will also pick up a bike i got second hand for js. it will be a surprise for him. it really just wouldn't make sense for him to live here without a bike. one really needs it to get around well. oh and my mother will visit me tomorrow to take most of the things i have in my dorm room back home to her flat. and well, it's also mother's day... i didn't get her anything. i guess seeing her, being nice to her and hopefully not having a fight is the best that could actually happen.
i didn't read much today, neither did i study at all. but in general i am rather happy. i was riding my bike through the sunny streets. wearing my quirky shirt that reads "that girl". my hair blowing in the wind. i know i looked nice.
js. will be here so soon... i missed him. in the last days both of us have just been so horny. i have a feeling my life will feel very much complete once he has arrived. i will take him to all the nice bars and cafés, we will spend so much time laying in the sun reading, riding our bikes together. i really hope we will keep liking each other as much as we do and only grow together even more. of course, we were living the honey moon phase back in america. now that i have this huge challenge of having to balance studying and spending time with him i hope it will only continue in a good way... we will see!
who else high af rn 🍃🫀
얼마 전 박재범의 All I Wanna Do 뮤직비디오를 뒤늦게 보았다. 음악도 좋지만 춤이 너무나 멋지다. 따라 추고싶지만 몸치인 나는 그럴 수 없으니 로토스코핑으로 대리만족..😇💃🎶
THANK YOU!! <333 ♡(> ਊ <)♡
Some doodles of Charlie !! (My beloved ( ˘ ³˘)♥)
Cream shipchild ♀️
She Is lesbian and asexual, autistic and doesn't have many friend.
Best Friends: nova (Bill x error 404 ) and Viorel (kustard).
She tries her best to be likes by everyone but people doesn't like her how they like her dad (Dream).
She likes to play the pian and She Is very good at It.
She even sing! She (in the future, She She Will be like 20) Will be the Singer and leader of a band with her 2 best Friends (and another friend♀️)!
🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼
@zu-is-here this Is Charlie, do you Remember her? Ones i asked you if you liked It and you said yes so, there Is the :new' desing!
🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼
Charlie belongs to me
Pastel (her GF) (errink shipchild ♀️) belongs to: me :)
Please don't steal my art! ～(つˆДˆ)つ｡☆
Love you all .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·.
Favorite songs ( ◜‿◝ )♡
@zu-is-here let me know if you like any of these! :) ♡♡♡♡ and what are your favorite songs? :D