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back in town

since Tuesday i am back in this incredible town in which everything seems to have just stayed the same. since yesterday back living with j., the old english gentleman.

the past days it has been raining, ever since i am back i have been trying to get my life in control again. my sleeping pattern being the absolute weirdest (i woke up at 2am and slept at 8pm yesterday).

today though it has been the first sunny day of the week. i woke up around 7:30am. it's farmer's market, i am sitting in my favourite café, i bought lillies for just twelve euros, i have already taken care of j.'s cloths, made him breakfast, listened to him practicing one of favourite of bach's fugues, went shopping, cleaned, wrote job applications to several law offices and to one bar as a bartender and one jazz bar as a ticket control person.

yesterday my boss at the theatre wanted to meet me for a talk. I feared getting fired. though I could not think of a reason why... I did not get fired but unfortunately experienced somewhat of an intervention. he told me how several of my colleagues had complained about me. apparently they percieve me as arrogant and cold. L O L i could not believe my ears and was completly startled. I am the last person to be arrogant and cold. i am just so chill and nice. the only thing i am and i admit is that i am direct. and i absolutely hate passive agressiveness, fakeness and condescending treatment. and this is what i am pretty sure about: the people that must have complained about me are the ones that i had some disputes with since they have treated me condescendingly and i simply did not accept to be treated that way. they are in no superior position to me and have no more knowledge or skill. sure, i should not be disrespectful to anyone, but i was not. how is it my fault if those people have weak personalities and feel personally attacked when i treat them the way they treat me? i am a happy and carefree person in general and doing this job i absolutely refuse to work in a bad or passive agressive energy. if you have a problem, be direct and tell me. but don't belittle me or treat me condescendingly. especially not in front of the guests. funnily enough i am the person that our guests like the best. litterally every single time i work people give me compliments on how nice i am, how well i consulted them and how much they like coming here when i am there. and that is because i am actually passionate about working at this theatre. i am actually interested and i am not fake like all of my colleagues. i am not made for this fake-ass-corporate-talk-politically-correct society. i may sound like a karen saying that, but i really don't care. i am open, friendly, passionate and nice. and respectful for sure... what do i learn from this? i should be more careful with those people. i will reduce my interaction with them to the minimum. i will not interfere with them, i will not share anything private. they are fake and have low self esteem. luckily there are some cool people working at this theatre and with them i get along so well (my boss being one of them). especially with all the actors. unfortunately though, this month i will not really be able to work, because i did not know my availabilites early enough. but on sunday i will attend our most recent play: girls&boys by dennis kelly, a solo.

other than that, i am happy to be back in europe. life feels light-hearted and somewhat easy. people are on the streets, there are plenty cafés, bakeries and establishments. i feel alive and mobile. on tuesday i will look at a new bike that i might buy. js. and me are in touch every day and we are planning his visit prospectivly in may. i am so happy to have him. and i love how our communication is so well, how we are into each other to what seems to be the same extent. i am trying to find a little illegal job for him to do whilst his stay so he can learn my language a bit more and earn some money perhaps. but he'll be fine just discovering and travelling in case that would not work out. unfortunately though i will not have time to join him on trips much. i'll have so many things to do: uni, two or perhaps three jobs, my two organisations and soon a new sport: rowing!!! i have been on this waiting list to finally get a spot for lessons for three years now! and finally my time has come. i am SO looking forward.

regarding university i will take classes on international relations, comparative political science, migration in political theory, public international law and two very basic law classes: constitutional law and private law. i should have written those exams last year alraedy but was too anxious and always postponed them. but now, i cannot afford postponing them anymore. there are some other classes i take, but they are less interesting and just technical things. i am looking forward to this semester though, especially to the political science part of my studies. recently i had a great correspondence with one lecturer whose seminar i was hoping to take part in. unfortunately though i got assigned a different one and emailed him whether i could chance to his. he notified me about it actually having been cancelled due to his research project. i asked for the syllabus in order to inform myself at least and he made the effort to write a very long mail listing all the books and explaining his thinking behind choosing them. i told him how i would read all of it until he will offer the seminar the next time next year. and i am actually determined to do so. the funniest part of it: another reason i really wanted to take his course was because him and me had matched on bumble in december lol!!! on there i used my middle name to be somewhat anonymous (because this town is just so small) and was so surprised when he actually matched me back. the first thing he asked me was whether i study at the political science institute which i of course agreed to. we had quite the long chat about how of course we could not actually meet up and how he was sorry to have accepted the match, how he had just ended a longterm relationship and how he is lonely. i had adviced him to perhaps set his age range a bit higher in order to avoid such embarrassing incidents. i had told him how i would tell nobody and will just pretend this has never happened. dating students really is a no go and he'd surely be fired for that i guess. i had ensured him how if we ever met in person he would not recognise me. he wondered why, i told him how my name was slightly different and in the pictures i had used on bumble my face was not visible. i like him though and we definitely vibe. even funnier is that he actually is younger than b. who had been my boyfriend for almost two years and who has a much better academic position than him. that guy could not even imagine qualifying for positons at yale and harvard lol. do i sound arrogant? YES lol, but that's just the truth. b. is a very special person. very smart, knowledgable but in the end also very much of a "silly goofy girl" like i am, hence we get along so well. b. and me are in good contact as well. though he has blocked me on his work phone, we talk every night and sometimes in the early morning when i am awake alraedy and he still is awake.

so yeah, exciting times lie ahead as always. the most important thing for me (and the most challenging quest with that) will be to be disciplined and to stay persistent. i am passionate and hard working for sure. i just have to prove how i can be so persistently. for now, i will continue getting my life back on track by giving y. back his suitcase, updating him on the most recent events, perhaps finally texting a. and excusing to him, getting in touch with some other people i have ignored for too long and establishing contacts to several psychologists in order to one day get a place for therapy.

the start of the summer semester

i do not have any courses today. though from the early morning on i have been quite busy figuring out all kinds of bureaucratic things.

i changed some seminars, recieved some rejections from the applications i sent on the weekend, recieved one invitation for a test shift as a bartender, registered for two language courses: italian for jurists and persian, brought b.'s former advisor's secretary her and his former advisor's present b. had bought for them at yale, reached out to b.'s editor in order to give her her present as well, met with j.'s cleaning lady, who has been working for him and his wife for over thirty years but who will retire soon (and i will be the prospective successor) and have been in touch with two ladys who have children that would benefit from talking to an english native speaker that answered to my post about a job for js. i spent the first half of today (so far) in my favourite café where unfortunately i encountered too many people that i am trying to avoid: for example my ex n. or my first ever one night stand in this town: a forty something surgeon who thinks of himself as the hottest and coolest man alive - the sex was indeed good, but that was like three years ago. i am pretty sure he recognises me but we just pretend we didn't know each other. also, i saw the mother of one of my former crushes in this town. that guy works in that café and his mother came by, had a coffee and had a chat about his son with the manager who always covers the morning shift and who i somewhat befriended. this town is small and basically only consists of students&university people. for a noisy person like me it's a great place but sometimes when i just want to enjoy my privacy and peace... it can be a bit frustrating.

the town is blooming though, trees getting greener every day, it's warm, people ride their bikes and i encounter quite many nuns on the streets. i'll read kochenov's book now and make the best of the day.

girls&boys

on sunday i spontanously got to work a bit. i wanted to go see our newest play anyways, so it was great that i could take a colleague's shift who was sick.

so i checked the tickets for one and a half hours, light the candles and counted the people. my colleague who manages the bar area of the theatre said he missed me a lot, he is from bangladesh and he's chill and fun. he always makes me coffee and jokes around. i had missed the theatre. it's very unique indeed. we play so many plays with relativly few actors in our ensemeble. each play is incredibly thought provoking and sophisticated. this play, boys&girls, just premiered last week to an exclusive audience. so on sunday it was the first regular show. my colleague ka., a dramaturge, shortly introduced into the play beforehand. and then i sat next to my colleague pa., one of the stage tech guys, to watch the play that was set on the small foyer's stage. he had prepared himself by reading the book. which surprised me. many of the stage tech people are very simple people, somewhat bogans (that sounds condescending, but they are just not the kind of people to read a book for fun, you know?)... the actress did her job so well. i love her facial expressions, so natural, so real. the play was directed by that woman who is the very known affair of the current theatre director. apparently through her very intimate involvements in the theatre life she keeps climbing the career ladder in that theatre. she started as a simple press officer and within two years managed to become an actress and director herself. i look down on her though. she is very fake. she is married herself and the theatre director himself is married as well, to the woman who will be the new director from summer on. what they have is pathetic and disgusting. she'd have potential on being somewaht of a role model if she got her positions through honest work, but not like that! though i must admit she directed this play very well. the scenery was very minimalist, i liked the choice of and use of music very much as well. the play is about toxic masculinity i'd say. about how even somebody who seemed perfect for the longest time can develop to be toxic and even: dangerous. the nameless woman's husband ends up killing both their children and later himself, because he could not bear the fact that his wife was more successfull than he himself.

in my own relationships men always ended up being violent and aggressive towards me. every single time, even somebody who i percieved the most calm and nicest guy ever. of course at some point one must seriously question oneselves. is it my fault? am i really as horrible as to make every man go insane and violent? that's at least what b. told me in one of our most recent fights. he said how when he first got to know me he "was on my side" when i told him about how my father abused me. but now he was "on his side" because he actually knew me and knew how i deserved this treatment. hearing those words out of b. mouth is the worst ever. and i am endlessly afraid that i could fuck up my relationship with js. like this as well. and to be honest, i am already somewhat afraid of js. he is calm, he is reserved, but i feel if he freaks out it would be worse than i ever experienced it with a man. he is the first guy i am with who is very physically strong. n. was tall as well, but he was rather weak and untrained - still i was weaker than him. b. is not tall and not trained - still he was stronger than me. my first boyfriend wasn't tall either, but very trained - he was very strong, literally abused and hit me, the sex being extremly violent and hardcore. to be honest most of the times he fucked me it was not consensual. and what does this mean? that he regularly raped me. now, js. seems a good man. he's very mature and understanding, very calm as i said. but he is very tall and trained. i feel if we ever get to the point that this violence awakes in him, i will be doomed. i am really intimidated by him. i know i should not, i should trust him and trust myself. but this play made me overthink...

i think it made all of us think. my colleague ended up sobbing next to me. the atmosphere in the foyer as extremly intimate. many people in a small room, the actress on a small stage close to us. the room dark, the candles i had light up flickering. the applause lasted 4 minutes and 27 seconds, we have to measure it. there were standing ovations. and it was very quiet for a long time. i myself did not cry. i don't know why. i cry easily. i was touched indeed. it hit home, literally lol. perhaps i have just grown resilient against this kind of family drama. it does not surprise me anymore, i perhaps am hardened. i don't know. i feel if i stayed with my family longer when i was 16 a big catastrophe would have happened. i mean, an even bigger one than our lives were at that time already. i am not in the mood to elaborate now, but perhaps it was good i left at lived with that boyfriend who raped me. perhaps it was still better than living with them.

yesterday i spent much time with j. in the afternoon we went shopping together, afterwards i prepared dinner, then some of his friends, a bangladeshi couple, came for a visit. i cut oranges for them and cleaned the mess in the kitchen. then j. and me had dinner. afterwards i went for a bike ride: 4 loops around the city. when i got back, i js. had sent me a message saying "he forgot to tell me something". i was prepared for the worst but he instructed me to check the dedication of j.'s edition of jonathan frantzen's corrections (i had spotted this book in j.'s shelve earlier and shared it with js.). turns out: frantzen dedicated the book to js.' uncle and aunt. this international bestseller was dedicated to my boyfriend's aunt&uncle. i have not read it yet, but i will make efforts to now. his family seems more and more interesting. still, i cannot believe my luck in finding js. and giving him many chances. i remember complaining on here how boring i thought he was, but how i was not ready to give up on the idea of him yet. how the first times we had sex were rather disappointing and in general he just did not share much of himself at all. but there was always something that made me want to stick with him. when i slept he sent me pictures of new haven he took when he went on the walk up the east rock. afterwards he sent me a bunch of pictures of sketches he did. he is a good artist himself. i love this guy, hopefully it's not just the idea of him. we spent about a month together, almost every day. throughout this time i understood him more, he kept surprising me with details on his and his family's life, with how understanding, attentive and calm he is. and ultimativly with how he loved me. he is a pure, honest and sensitive guy. seemingly everything i have ever wanted. every single quality seems to be fulfilled. sure, sooner or later we will disappoint each other for the first time. humans are not perect. though i am fearing a day i fuck things up. for now, we are planning his stay here in may. who knows where things will go. on our way from the cloisters to jfk he had talked about how expensive it is to study in europe as an international student. i more or less jokingly said how if he ever wanted the european passport he should just let me know and he instantly understood. i made this joke before with other people, but they did not.

on the weekend out of boredom i made this nectar love print test. my result is aieg, i asked js. to also do it, his result is ripg. if one decides to somewhat believe in that kind of test, it was not a big surprise at all. the js. and my results of the other tests they have are completely the same (relationship readiness 9, permissive boundaries, created family as family attachement, monogamous, growth as relationship believe, and hyposexual). in order to compare our results to a third party i made my best friend e. take the tests as well and her results are completly different. i pray that for once things work out. it feels to just be allright with him. it feels like we are very similar. perhaps too similar. our main difference: i am bubbly and he is not (a common pattern in male-female relationships i'd say). if there will ever be a big fight between us, i am afraid it will be the worst i have ever experienced in my life. and with my parents, i used to believe i have been through the worst. as bad as this sounds, i cannot wait for him to show his true face. i want to know what i am at. it sounds absurd but i cannot wait for him to hurt me. i prefer that to the uncertainty of just being intimidated by him and not knowing what he is capable of. he hasn't given me much reason to fear him actually, it would be very unfair to make it seem that way. though i can just sense that there is something underneath that surface. surely there is with all of us. so that per se is nothing bad particularly about him. time will tell.

back in uni

it was an eventful week. establishing my timetable, figuring out the new schedule, the first sessions of the new seminars i was able to change to. i did not put in much work yet and tried to take things slowly.

in the beginning of the week i had bought myself and j. lillies. my lilies have blossomed wonderfully, whereas the ones i had bought for j. simply died. i felt pity, so tomorrow i will buy new ones, hoping they will behave differently. being back in europe i am so incredibly happy and thankful that buying flowers is so affordable. for two rather big bouqets of flowers i only paid 12 euros. unbelievable.

i felt grateful to be alive, happy to be riding my bike in this wonderful weather, listening to philip glass on repeat. i had bought myself a new cardigan and new light pants, wearing those things together it basically looks like i am wearing a pyjama. luckily nowadays it's trendy and socially accpeted to wear such outfits, as long as you title it "scandi style" lol. i love it though. if it wasn't so rainy here, i'd wear nothing else than that.

i got very disappointed by that one professor whose class i had looked forward to a lot. it is always so interesting to me how different people are and how different they decide to teach. this seminar on migration in political theory with this seemingly lovely junior professor i had (and still have) big hopes for. as i recently very much got into the topic of citizenship, having been in touch with dimitry kochenov and reading his signed book still, i was so excited to talk abuot my experiences in america. unfortunately though, this woman decided that she wants to play the role of a rather authoritarian, unapproachable and oh so professional professor, that she did not at all care about people introducing themselves and their passions and after the seminar was very quick to rush outside. i did stop her on her way her though, thanking her for letting me take part in that seminar (i wasn't initially assigned for it) and briefly telling her about my encounter with that guy. just a few days ago he had actually messaged me again excusing how he was sorry for not having time to chat with me when he met me in front of law school two weeks ago. i did not expect to hear from him at all anymore. so grateful for his kindness and humility, i sent him a picture of his book in front of my town's main sight. he said how i was so "incredibly kind". how cute and nice of him. how different scholars can behave! if i one day get to be in the position of being a lecturer, i will go sure to be approachable and nice. i could tell that this woman somewhere in her heart has kindness. but she forced herself to be "a big girl" and play a role that was very obviously not authentic. she was rather behaving like a toxic and insecure man.

just last saturday i had a different weird interaction with a lecturer. this time, it was rather positively weird. so, i have had written before how i had matched with this guy who teaches politcial theory at my institute on bumble. he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship and his profile was very new. when we matched his first question was whether i study at his institute and whether we know each other. i said "yes" to the first question and "somehow" to the second. i had attended one (1) session of his seminar on arendt but realised it wouldn't fit my schedule well last semester, so i didn't proceed further... well, we had an exchance on how embarrassed he was and how naturally we could not proceed further with this either. i had told him how he should set his age range higher if he wants to avoid such things in future. he said how he'll definitely do that, and only didn't do it since his profile was just so new. i kind of believe that to be true. and also he seems just to be really really clumsy and lost. on bumble i had used my middle name only and pictures without my face so i told him how he would probably not recognise me in future so he can be sure there won't be akwardness... ok, so far so good.

janurary i basically spent all my time at the theatre and at a's (the actor) place. february&march i lived in america and now... literally back not even two weeks i had encoutered him about 4 times already. once when i left after my early morning lecture, we had weird eye contact but nothing else. another time when i was riding my bike home from the institute, he was with all the young lectureres, probably on his way to grab some beer or smth, again, out of all the people in this group of people it was us who had weird eye contact and now on saturday...:

on my way to my rowing class (something i started last friday and will continue writing about later) i was riding my bike from j.'s place to the harbour and whom do i spot walking on the side walk in the opposite direction talking to himself making weird counting gestures?! yes, that exact guy. he looked so silly doing that - he was most likely thinking about things he would have to buy in the supermarket where he was probably heading to - and i let out a laughter. he realised that, turned around and i realised that as well, had to laugh even more and ended up having to physically hold my laughter. i was caught off guard completely and with that finally exposed myself. he knew me now. and how can i be so sure?! well, he sent me a damn email about that a few hours later saying "sorry, normally i don't look that much like a fool - i was talking to myself"... we had sent some emails back and forth about his seminar he was supposed to hold this semester that i wanted to join (actually out of pure and genuine interest). and he used that opportunity to get back to me. how inappropriate actually. i could not believe my eyes when i saw that. i was a bit weirded out... but on the other hand it was also my teacher-student romance dreams i have had all through highschool coming true. now in university i quickly realised though how bad of a situation that actually is to be in. especially if you are actually interested in that person's research and field of expertise... i did not get back to him on the weekend anymore, only today morning i sent a text saying "to be able to attend your future seminars, i would like to make clear that i was actually only interested in joining the seminar. sorry for laughing though, you caught me off guard". to which he replied: "i was caught off guard myself. i kind of regret sending you that mail. i understand and it's allright, you'll be welcome in joining my seminars when i hold some again". he's chill and i am very happy about it. he knows it's so inappropriate and he knows i know it myself. even more now that i have a boyfriend who is so into me, whom i am into so much myself. though i am certain i will encounter that lecturer again throughout the next weeks. to be honest, i love to have some flirts like that around, it's just a fun game. and we are responsible adults. i know it's kinda unfair towards js... i don't know whether i should feel bad. since sooner or later there will be updates on that guy, i will give him a name: t.

so now more about rowing: i had taken part in a rowing course when i was like 14 already. it was just a few days, but i did very well. so well, that very soon i was put in a racing boat. unfortuantely back then i was not socially confident enough, i was always feared to be around people my age, especially in a context of "clubs". i did not like engaging with people my age who had more experience and were rather condescending, because, well we were just kids. and i was always afraid of kids' behaviour. i never enjoyed team sports... the wish of wanting to row stuck with me though. since i moved to this town three years ago i had waited on a waiting list to start rowing here. i have not actually expected hearing back from them ever. but when i was in america it happened. and it was fairly cheap even. last weekend was the introductionary weekend where we met every day with a group of about twenty people (twenty lucky people out of two hundred applicants!). the weekend went nice, though i was a bit bored having to deal with absolute beginners. i tried not making that obvious though. also, the group of people i started with is not my age at all. i had applied for the 25+ group, being much younger than even that. most people that start with me are around 35-40, which is kinda fun and makes things more chill for me really. from now on i will have weekly lessons and hope that my talent will be able to unfold and get recognised by them as well. i am very convinced and determined to have talent btw. and the best thing: they very recently moved into a new club house and it's basically located next to the theatre i work at. on friday evening i actually first went to rowing class and right afterwards to a dérniere of a play (which turned out to be really shitty - actually the worst play i have ever seen - but that's a different story). so yeah, i am so happy with this sport right now. my whole body hurt, but i like pain in general, i like feeling myself, it reminds me that i am alive.

what also happened on the weekend: i had a test shift at a bar close to the harbour. right on the day i went rowing for four hours. i only worked for three hours in the evening though. it was a lovely evening, good weather, happy people, a crowded bar. i did very well. the team was somewhat stressed out and all of them kind of behaved passive aggressivly, but maybe that's just their character. two guests told me how sweet i was and in the end the boss and their best employee told me how i had a quick perception, how i learn quickly and how they'd be happy to have me in their team. actually, whilst working i was kind of not wanting to work there. because i sensed that things are not really alright with the staff. the atmosphere just seemed off. but to be honest as i said already, that might also just be their personalities. when i was working in the bakery my colleagues were extremly dull as well - something that i always fear to become. i though managed to stay nice and funny in the bakery. this job will definitely be more draining than the bakery work, but i will get more tips. working in the bakery i had had to wake up at 4am, now working there i will have to work until 4am. funny how life is huh. in the bakery the highest tip i ever recieved were 2 euros, normal was 2 cents, lol. there, so i was told, i could sometimes make even 200 euros if i was working alone. well, of course they say such things in order to make me want to work there, right? however, i will be happy to have a job. happy to be able to interact with nice and cool guests. happy to learn how to make drinks, a very important life skill i guess. so far, i have absolutely no clue about alcohol. js. gave me courage about starting this job saying if there is a time in life to work in a bar, it's your early twenties. and i think he's right. it's just something one should have done, isn't it. it'll teach me a lot i am sure...

on another note, i managed to sublet my dorm room until may to a nice girl whom i actually seem to become friends with. she's a phd student and researches on migration. she expressed her great gratefulness for the things i already helped her with. since i travelled so much and lived in a few places now myself i know how messy it is to move and to orientate. so i really want to be that kind of person, a native and local, one can rely on with any "stupid" questions or problems. i am so happy i can help her and in the end i am also happy that i recieve money from her until may...

js. booked his flight today. he will arrive mid may. we are very happy. i am proud to be the one hosting him, showing him this lovely town in europe. it will literally be a deflowering experience for him: his first time in europe. and he'll always connect it to me. i really hope i don't fuck this up. but so far, things have been going just so well with him, i should not be scared.

today i did not do many productive things. i did buy my very first own matcha powder in the asian store, in order to save money and consume less coffee. i finally got to write those things down and in the evening went to this evening circling lecture, where i met j.'s wife and her friend, who share the same name - they are women in their seventies so it's kinda fun that those people are my main social contacts nowadays. it was a great lecture by my favourite law professor on constitutional law and the role of constitutional courts in our society. he's so charismatic and funny, it was pure delight. the hall was crowded and i decided to sit in the very front left. the space all the other law professors decided to sit as well, they ended up sitting behind me. very close to me was somebody i somehow developed a weird crush on now. he was one of the two professors b. had defended his phd to. b. just calls him "the walking dead" because he is so expressionless, he is very tall and boney. i somehow never really liked him though i so far did not attend any of his lectures... but now it turned out i have a seminar with him. last week at the first session of this seminar that is held by one law and one politics professor he already looked at me weirdly imo. i think he recognises me from seeing me with b. a lot on campus. i used to be somewhat of his attachement, we really were always together. and now today: he sits diagonally behind me and i realised he looked at me form time to time, he also looked at my laptop. i don't know why i never liked him. he actually seems like a charming man. very reserved, very nerdy. but genuine. his smile is too sweet. and why the heck do i keep having crushes on professors and lecturers?! fuck me man.

in general, i just adore professors (no matter the gender) a lot. i have so much respect for them. i think they are the people with the profession i respect most in this world. it has always been the ideal for me. i hope that life leads me a path where i will become somewhat like that myself. i know though, for that i will have to work hard, be humble and do not let anybody destroy my passions. i should not give up and trust myself. i remind myself this every day.

in general, it currently feels i am on a good track. i have two and two halves of a job now, chose interesting seminars and lectures, manage to go to bed early and wake up early, make home cooked meals, consume less in general, am nice to people, am nice to my friends, read books, keep up with the news, do a new sport regularly and in general just live an active and genuine life full of new energy the spring gives me. if it wasn't for current political conflicts and the way they affect my friends and therefore me, i would almost dare to say things are perfect. i try though to be living the moment and me so grateful for how things are right now. how well j. is doing, how nice my lillies smell, how much i like my bike, reading and the fact that b. got this fellowship and js. comes to visit me. things are good. if i manage to fulfil my roles and stick to this lifestyle, i will lead a satisfactory life. i just should not lose hope and confidence, even when things may not go right...

however, this week will be interesting. j.'s son and a friend of his will be visiting: one from barcelona the other from london. meaning i will live together with three older men. one very old man, two 50 something year olds. j. is so incredibly social and active. it will be a challange for me to deal with all those people and still focus on my every day life's to dos. let's see how it goes...

just let me be the cat!!

my new life

after the guests had departed, j. collapsed in relief saying “dear god, i survived it!”. this poor old man had accommodated those two incredibly messy fifty something year olds,

one of which was his son who came to visit from barcelona, the other his son’s best friend visiting from london. they knew each other from university in london, from when they studied computer science. both of them extreme nerds. neither of them had their own children, neither of them a girlfriend or wife. j.’s son has a horrible lisp and just a very weird character, he seems pretty much of an idiot, but today i learned that apparently he’s extremely good in maths. well, with the chap from london i get along rather well. he had hosted me for a few days in his house in south wimbledon in winter of 2022. he’s all into all kinds of conspiracies and very much of a modern hermit. well, many of my own views on society are somewhat against the mainstream i’d say and i certainly feel somewhat of an urge to become a (real) hermit myself one day. unlike that bloke i do want to rely on science and stay rational in order to understand society, that’s why in the end i decided to study social sciences (and law). however though, he has a good sense for absurdism and sarcasm, which makes him fun to engage with to me. anyway. i managed to limit my interactions with our guests to the very least. and i cannot complain, i got invited for very good dinners three times the past week. 

the first time was just after rowing class. my technique had gotten much better already, unfortunately though the people i was rowing with were rather bad, which was kind of frustrating. a funny thing that happened that evening before dinner was how i had met my boss from the theatre on the way to rowing class, then just 1 minute later i had met another person i knew: a guy i used to live with in that big communal house, a very much of a hipster architect guy. and then when we were rowing on the canal one lady walking her dog laughed at us and shouted at our cox “yeah, you gotta know how to handle your people”... she was very drunk. and she was also somebody i know: a woman that had worked at the theatre but just recently been fired and completely banned from it. but mpre about dinner: we had it with j., two of his sons, his other son was coming to visit from munich but was staying with his mother (who just lives a few streets away from j.), that british guy, j.’s wife (and mother of his other son) and their friend who shares the same name with j. wife. the person i got along most with from this group is definitely j. son with his other wife. that boy is in his early thirties, is doing his phd and is just very funny and silly. there is always an interesting tension between us. weirdly enough allegedly he has never had a girlfriend so some people think he’s gay, just j. seems not to realise that. i think the best proof for him being gay really was when for christmas 2022 one of his male friends joined us. it basically was like introducing him to the family. b. and me were invited for that dinner and it was just so funny. anyway, i just find this tension between me and him so interesting, because it does not at all feel like he’d really be gay. i find him to be rather attractive and cute and could very much imagine being with him (and him liking that even (which is the point)). well, i was also the first real girlfriend of b. when he was 34 so who knows apparently i just do something to the guys, lol. dinner that evening was fun though, we were in a lebanese restaurant.

and then, friday j.’s other, older son and the british guy invited me to an indian restaurant, which was ever so entertaining. they acted like two nerdy boys, discussing wildly what they wanted to order for half an hour. i suspect that both of them certainly are very much neurodiverse in one way or another. i didn’t care about their weird behaviour though. i was getting invited and that was all that counted. afterwards we went to an old irish pub, a very fancy establishment really. the british guy wanted to get me drunk i realised that. i drank two guinness. and i enjoyed being drunk with them. especially with the british guy. i know, i am sick. throughout the evening we talked about modern times regarding artificial intelligence, social media, influencers, tracking and surveillance. they asked me how i perceived all of that, me being their representative of all of the “gen z”. 

and then there was yesterday’s dinner. i had first gone to work my first real little shift at the bar i am working at nowadays. it was for a cocktail course for a bachelorettes party. about 20 drunk women in their early thirties. very fun. normally i’d somehow be put off by their annoying noises and hysterical laughter. but that was past me. i realised how much i adored their dynamics. i saw girlhood. It was sweet and most of them seemed to really be enjoying themselves. But it was certainly testing my extraversion. People tend to think i am very extrovert, but this is not the case at all. I get bubbly when i am with one person i really like and i can put on a mask for limited social interactions in public. But when it comes to staying all out going in an environment like that… its just so incredibly draining and uncomfortable. I will really have to train myself to have a “work personality” there that i can use, because the only other way to endure this in the long run would be to drink alcohol myself. But that would make me an addict real quick. But i know that i will manage. That job will really make me a cool and relaxed young woman. I will be so happy to meet plenty of edgy hipster kinda people working there, have some flirts, get some tips and be physically exhausted in the end (with i really like to be and am not too often). Of course this is more than just a slight romantisation of the job, but i realised it really is about how you approach things like that. Working in the bakery or working at the horse’s stable was also not easy at all, but if you got the right attitude towards those things, you can always have a good time, which i always had. Plus i get paid!.. Ok, so i arrived j.’s place, which from now on i will just call home, because it is just that for me at the moment. J., his youngest son and the british guy were sitting in “my room”, the living room. It was 7.30, the other son was in the kitchen preparing the dinner on his own, he was a good chef. Sitting down with them in the living room was a pleasure. They were talking about “birding” (a new hobby of j.’s son describing bird watching and recognizing competitively) and the new smoking rules in england. I realised how both the young man and the middle aged man were just so into me, observing me a lot. I liked that. When i had mentioned my new job, the younger son asked for where exactly i was working. Turns out he had been at the opening party of that bar 8 years ago, conforming how nice of a bar it is… It’s a pity i don’t see j.’s younger son too much. I had only seen him that christmas before. I think we could be great friends. He seems rather cool, relaxed but yet fairly intellectual. Well, his wonderful parents, both having been professors, made it possible for him to go to one of the prestigious english schools. What i don’t like about him though is that he just acts so snobby and it’s obvious that he likes being a snob. Which is… rather ignorant. It’s also a pity he didn't join us for dinner, because unfortunately he is very vegetarian, just as his mother and the lamb we were eating was very much not vegetarian. I did not get to say bye to him today as well. But i know i left a lasting impression. I had changed since last christmas and also now am proving myself being a good help for his father. 

Dinner was ready shortly after eight. The other seventy something year old friend that had joined dinner on thursday had now joined again. We were sitting at the big dining table in j.’s hallway. The new lilies i had bought for j. I had placed on the table. This week, they were blossoming beautifully. The scent made you drunk. I sat next to j. and opposite to us the two men and the lady. i realised throughout the dinner that she was just so into the british fellow. Though she herself was married to a frenchman. Throughout the evening she struggled keeping up with our conversations. Her english is not too bad but the accents and slangs of all those three guys can be somewhat hard to understand if you are not a native or just not very used to hearing brits talk. Living with j. I feel more like living in england than in my own country. Which is ever so nice. The food yesterday was also very splendid. Lamb, some veggies and plenty of red wine and later bourbon. The visiting brit again tried subtletly to make me drunk. Perhaps it appeared i was drunk, since at some point i spilled my glass of wine onto my pants. But i wasn’t much, that was just me being really clumsy as always unfortunately. After dinner the people were sitting together for quite some time, discussing about family issues, basically bullshitting and perhaps having fun. I was eventually getting bored and decided to withdraw. At some point during dinner i had chatted with b. He said how blessed i was, how my peers would not get to have such nice interactions. And well, i have to agree dinner parties like that are rather exclusive and nice, but the people were not too interesting to interact with in general. Except j. Of course. He is the most interesting, intellectually stimulating and wise person i know. I wish i knew more people like that but that will eventually happen if i keep surrounding myself with good and rather intellectual (or let’s say bourgeois) circles like that.

I think my new hobby of rowing will open some doors for me in this regard eventually. Prospectively i would like to one day pick up on tennis again, which i used to play very well when i was very young. Those habits of playing certain sports or knowing your culture really open doors here! If i dress bougie, which i do naturally, i appear just to be one of them easily. And it can be just so helpful. Of course, all of this might come off as incredibly shallow, but i don’t really think it is. All of those things i do, i’d do also if i wouldn’t want to get to know more people like them. Rowing is just so nice, tennis i also very much enjoyed and i long to indulge myself into the arts anyways. I am not doing those things just for the sake of seeming interesting or as a networking possibility. But that might just be a pleasant side effect. 

What i know is that i cannot just live like my parents do nowadays. Both of them have never travelled as much in their lives as i have already. Of course i have to be grateful being able to do so, partly just because of them. Though what i critise is their rather “limited mind” or mindset. They are not interested in culture or anything that’s going on really. They stamp those things as being bougie and pretentious. But did it ever cross their minds that people express their ordinary and very human emotions and experiences through the arts. Why is that bougie?! Well, what i know is that j. Has been living such an incredibly cosmopolitan and intellectual life that made him as wise and humble as he know is. And that’s what i want for myself. It is refreshing to spend time with people like that, because they give me hope that i can also achieve that one day. Instead of living a life that is rather very limited and in my eyes extremely boring. i am really not trying to seem ungrateful. I just know that i am made for more than just that and i want to believe that i have influence in where i end up in life, at least to a certain degree. Learning languages, reading books, seeing movies, putting effort into studying, being informed, working hard, travelling, getting into therapy and somehow expressing myself and my thoughts are the things that i can really do, will do and in fact, am doing already. 

And with my new partner (i think it is appropriate to call him that already) it seems i made another great step into being on the right path of what i want in life. He is just such a pure and gentle man. Seemingly hungry for consuming the arts and striving for something bigger in his life. Though he is not sure what exactly that will be, I believe in him. He is charming, talented, intelligent and strong. I don’t think there is anything he couldn’t do. His brother proved that this family is capable of greatness. He is almost forty and a neuroscientist, who went to harvard, being part of the society of fellows. he and his wife seemingly have a good life, recently bought a house, keeping a few little ugly but funny dogs. his wife seems interesting to me, since she also grew up an equestrian like me. But she was even more serious about it, having been a national american athlete at some point. It’d be cool to get to know them at some point. And even more of a pleasure to build a similarly cool life with the brother of them that i got to have the pleasure of calling my partner. 

As most of all the times my conclusion is: i am on a good track. I just have to work hard now. Limit the meaningless distractions to the least. Thats why i deinstalled tumblr from my phone and that i want to live unbothered by other people and be disciplined and humble. When i do all of those things and manage to stay kind and cool, i will be able to be really satisfied with what i do. The past two weeks i improved in all of those aspects notably already. I am happy about that. From now on, university really gets serious. The next weeks will be very challenging my discipline. I have spent the afternoon of friday of establishing daily routines that i want to stick to. I just love that. And i also love my personal organisation and the fact that notion, the program i use to organise my studies and other big parts of my life, has recently been updated to have an own calendar. What a dream!. the pattern of my new life is the picture i attached on the left. of course it's very much idealised, and i will not stick to most of it (basically the very light parts) all the time. Still, it’s nice to have an overall orientation. 

On another note, js. Met his father in nyc yesterday. He hadn’t seen him in 4 years. He wanted to meet him before visiting me. I am very proud of him for taking courage. His father doesn’t work, a neurological disorder has been discovered in him, so he is receiving grants regarding that. In the past he had been abusing drugs a lot. He's always been an artist and about 15 years ago he even had somewhat of a successful career. Just before he moved to the city. Js. mother thinks that he lost his courage then… js. And him first went to a diner and then went to the movies. He was keeping me up to date all the time. 

it is less than a month that we will be reunited. today i officially signed my new work contract. i am in the library now, it's 2pm and my day has not been ideal yet. but i will read and write for uni and make the most of it.

boston. js.’ father in the 80s

How goes the college life? Taking care of yourself?

thanks for asking :)

I think I have not been as focused on myself and university ever before. I am quite content with my overall lifestyle currently as well.

I wake up early, clean the household, prepare my meals at home instead of getting take-out, almost completely cut out artificial sugars, I work two jobs, go rowing every week, go for walks every day whilst listening to podcasts, I try my best being friendly to the rude people I unfortunately encounter a lot in my every day life, I read my papers for uni, but also novels and long publications (i just finished "Cannibal Capitalism" by Nancy Fraser), I mostly spend time on my own, because I don't really have friends in uni, but it's okay. I am in touch every day with my two best friends: b. who lives in the US and e. who lives in Norway; my new boyfriend js. will come visit me from the US from midth of may on, which I am just so excited for.

Every day feels precious and vulnerable and I try to be grateful for everything I enjoy so much right now. I feel that I can do so best by putting in the work at uni: reading, writing and participating. Most importantly and to my great delight, the old gentleman I live with, j., is doing well and is happy about my help and company. I hope it will stay like this for a long time. I will start joining him for church on sundays from now on as well. Today we will go buy some wine together, very exciting.

This is the lifestyle I long wished to be able to live. What kept me from it was guilt and procrastination. I am excited for the next weeks and months, but it will certainly be busy. I will have to balance studying, working, spending time with js. and should try not to lose myself in all of that.

Deleting my social media and writing here was a great idea that I will keep doing. I am sad to see how much time I wasted in the past years, but now I am finally on a good track! :)

12 bottles of wine

what a nice day yesterday was.

i woke up at 4am with no alarm. spent the first two hours rather unproductive in bed, chatting with js. i eventually proceeded into the kitchen, making matcha and a sweet breakfast bowl with strawberries, peach, oatmeal and yogurt! how very healthy of me!!! watched some videos on politics&news and around 8am rode my bike to the café to finish fraser's book. at 9.30 that was accomplished, so i rewarded myself with two new books!! one big publication by three sociologists and a collection of essays by jonathan franzen. i feel drawn to him since i know that he is a good friend of js.' uncle. i started the corrections, but it is just so exhausting for me to read. the language is so sophistaced and there are so many american concepts, things or places i don't have a clue about... i definitely want to read that book, but i intentionally have to dedicate extra time to it. so reading those essays is easier for me...i spent the whole morning and early afternoon reading in the café and at some point in the library. i also read about 70 pages of papers for uni, so that's good!

at around 3 i went home to meet j. when yesterday he realised that he is out of wine, he proposed going to get some at his favourite merchant together. he first had to go to the hospital for some mobility training to keep him fit, during this time i showered. weather was amazing and he felt overambitious, so he only took his walking stick with him. at some point i receive a call: him saying he does need his walker. so i carry it to the hospital and from there on our adventure begon. slowly but steadily we headed down that lively street. when we eventually arrived the merchant, i could tell j. comes here quite regularly. the merchant treated him like a vip. j. began enumerating what kinds of wine he would like to have and asked about new kinds available. i was struck! he just never stopped enumerating and so the bottles got more and more. i think i will never acquire as many bottles of wine ever again. another casual proof of how posh he actually is.

we (I) carried only a part of the bottles home, the merchant delivered the rest to us by bike. on our way back we stopped by that café that is attached to my favourite cinema. the outside area was so crowded, but we managed to join some lady. it was so lovely sitting in the sun chatting with j. i told him about my books, he shared stories about his son. so nice! also, as this town is just so small, of course i knew the girl that served us: i used to study with her for a bit.

after we had gotten home, i collected my stuffs and again left outside for a walk. i attempted finding a new spot to read, but ended up reading on the exact same bench in the park i read before on the weekend. directly when i had settled there i realised a., my former fling (the actor guy), was in the park playing some game with some people. he is just so insufferable and obnoxious, one could not not notice him when he is around. i am pretty sure he also noticed me reading there. - to be honest, i don't give a shit anymore. i have so many weird open conflicts with people hereat this point that if i wanted to go sure not to see any of those, i wouldn't even be able to leave the house. so i will just not give a shit anymore. people shall think i am an asshole or whatever. i know that i am not, i know i had my reasons, i am not going to put effort into convincing people otherwise and kiss anybody's ass. especially not losers like him! seriously! - anyway, sitting there reading after only a few i minutes i encoutered another person i know: my boss from the theatre! he is so chill and has my back, i like him a lot. he was carrying two beers, got delighted to see me and just said hello. funny interaction somewhat.

but yeah, now that the weather gets better i realised i know people everywhere, if i stare long enough into the nothingness, sooner or later there will be a person i would rather not like to see... i think this will be a good practice for me of becoming more focused and careless really. living here the next two years will really require me being above all that meaningless social shit.

i am not saying i am too good to have friends or social contacts, no lol. but i want to spend time with actual good people for once. there is actually a group of people i am curious about already for some time. they seem to be hip, chill, but also into what they are studying, which is somehow humanities/law related. i keep encountering them at the café and the library. in fact, they are also friends with former colleagues of b., they worked at the same research facility. and of cocurse that also means that they are somewhat older than me. with one of them i even danced once at a party of that very lefty student establishment. i don't normally party, but that time a. and me had gone together and that was actually really fun. because that i have to admit: a. is great fun at parties and social events. because he is just so eccentric and is seemingly confident in his body, performing. well, exactly what one would expect from an actor!... but yeah, i hope that eventually i'll actually get to know those people somehow. i am not sure how though. just a few minutes ago three of them gathered next to me in the café and i overheard their conversations. apparently they are involved in some student podcast project about recent research, quite cool!

today i woke up at 6am with no alarm. chatted with js for some time and stayed in bed until 7.30 unfortunately. i got ready only slowly, because i decided to ditch that international relations class. the lecturer is just so bad and the students are just so stupid. the quality of this class is really not good. though i had read both papers extensivly (and was most definitely the only person that did that), i really was not in the mood for that. i also ditched the class after that. i don't know, out of laziness really. i am not proud, but i figured that i would get more done simply sitting here and reading. and perhaps that's true. tomorrow is labour day, so i have the whole day for catching up on things and being productive. i overheard the "cool kids" (my new code word for that group of interesting people) say that they will party today&tomorrow. and yeah that reminded me of how the start of may is a reason to celebreate for people here. on one hand i am proud of myself for being rather focused and living a quiet lifestyle. on the other hand it would be nice to once join people to go party, especially because weather is nice and all. going to bars or clubs alone is not a thing people do here at all! it's not a thing at all to get to know people spontanously unfortunately. in other cities and countries i have done that and would do so with no problem, but here it's just very weird. it's a pity, but i am not too sad, because in two weeks js. will be here and i will be able to take him everywhere i go: libraries, cafés and bars!!! i am so looking forward :) especially to getting drunk at bars and making out lol. i also wanna go to some party with him. i am sure he will be in awe with how alive this town is. i mean, he has been to buenos aires, a fairly european style city i guess. but this town here is unique. it has many young student people and all features of a big city, whilst still being cute and historical.

now i will go shopping, later will clean my dorm room for a boy i sublease to for those two weeks, then attend a lecture on comparative politics and right after that cover a shift at the theatre! my first one after three months! so excited! especially because i will get to see my theatre crush ja., son of my other theatre crush jü. lol

that's life

that one day had started perfectly. i woke up so early, had a healthy breakfast while listening to alice capelle's latest video essay, cleaned, got ready. the sun was shining, i was riding my bike to uni listening to beach house. the town was slowly waking up.

i did not want to go to uni, but forced myself. it was a tutorial i had skipped two times already. in fact, it was the first ever time i was showing up. i expected there to be people i didn't like and of course that was the case. those people also managed to behave in the most childish ways possible. some people were giving a presentation and they just kept giggling and talking allthroughout. how childish can you actually be? anyway, the new ataraxic person i am trying to become should not even waste thought and energy on people like this (ataraxic certainly sounds better (and less resentful...) than "not giving a fuck", doesn't it).

right after that tutorial i went to a lectuer i had skipped two times as well, because it would have required me to go to this institute i had never been to and i was shy. last weekend though i had a seminar on transcultural sensivilisation in there, so this burden was overcome. i went upstairs and there was an old man waiting in front of the door. it was around hafl past nine and he asked "why is the door locked, there must be people inside already, mustn't there?". i asked him whether he already considered ringing the bell. which i did and shortly after we were let in. telling by his age i had supposed he must have been a professor. but it turned out he was not! looking for the room of the lecture i had spotted him again and wanted to know "is this where islamic family law occurs in?" and it was. it was a tiny room, on three walls there were tall bookshelves like in a library, on the fourth there were windows. he was the chatty kinda guy. i asked him about the intranet page and he helped me settle. he was fun and somewhat cute. he had printed all the slides, sat there all prepared with his flask full of hot tea serving himself from time to time... eventually the room got crowded. many young women. i felt much more homey and welcome than in any lecture or seminar ever before. the lecturer was late, but it was okay. i knew him because of b. he gave a short keynote at the conference b. had organised last summer. i was very much involved in the organisation of that, unfortunately though only unofficially. so officially my efforts failed to get recognized. well, the downside of dating an academic and getting too involved in his work i guess... however, it was a great pleasure for me to get to know all those internationally renowned scholars. b. was a great host, it was a great success for this university - i would go as far as to say: for this country... anyways, the lecture was fine.

in the two hour break that i had, i sat down at my favourite café and continued reading that recent and long sociological study. i read those 400 pages within 5 days. for me that was a good achievement!

i then enjoyed that lecture on international law with that charismatic lecturerer and afterwards headed back to the café first to read a bit more and at some point home to j. to make myself something quick to eat (fried mushrooms - for some reason i am obsessed with them currently).

then i went for rowing. it was warm, a bit humid, but just heavenly. i asked to be the stroke that time, because i had never been the stroke. and also because i was paired with that one guy whom i despise because his technique is just so bad and i refuse to copy his rhythm. so i that time wanted to force him for once be considerate and attentive himself! because in theory, everybody is supposed to follow the stroke! in theory!!! but no: the three other people in the boat just did whatever they thought was right. of course, i shouldn't complain, since all of us are beginners. but like... some more than others. and it appears to me that certain people don't even try to change their patterns. but i knew i did very well. first, because it felt very good and right, second, because our cox told me so!! i felt so validated. it was comparable to hearing "you're a pleasure to have in class". hehehe. and yeah in fact one piece of advice that the cox had given me was to open the blades earlier. and that really changed something in my brain and the way i rowed. it was magical haha.

after rowing i was sweaty, happy and satisfied. i went home to quickly change and grab my book. i then proceeded to read another one franzen's essays.

coming back home aroun 9.30pm i felt as if i could not have possibly perfomed better that day. i went to uni, read, ate healthy, cleaned the house, took care of myself, was kind - only so much that i can do. i for once was satisfied and proud of myself.

---

for some reason though i could just not fall asleep. it was humid and warm. i lied awake, scrolling on here and chatting with js. at some point in the night i recieved a text from one of my corridor mates of my dorm. that boy asked "i am curious about your living situation??" i answered "why??" because like, what the heck is this your business? well, i told him how i am temporarily living with that old gentleman to take care of him and whilst doing so am subletting my room. i told him that everything should be fine because the people that live there are good and tidy people and i wanted to nicely tell that guy "mind your own god damn business!!!". of course, i get it. if they see people moving in and out, within 4 months it has been three people now, they begin to wonder. but like... it's a god damn dormitory, not a luxury apartment building. the credo should be "live and let live" and don't fucking get into each others businesses. that boy's audacity just made me so angry that i could not sleep until 5am the next day. because i was actually worrying! those stupid nosy people could possibly snitch on me! because the way i am subletting is illegal. i coudl do it legally, but that would require a minimum of three months. and i just don't know how life will be in three months for me. and i cannot afford possibly being homeless in this town. and the worst and most absurd of it all: for about a decade things were chill and nice in that corridor. i know that through b. who had lived there for almost all this time. (yeah it sounds much, but like you must know he did his phd and was still living there the years after when he was in the process of publishing (which he still is lol...)). so, all those years people were living and minding their own businesses. when b. and me were living there together those one and a hald years, certainly it was the best time ever. the kitchen (our only common room) was always free, completly for us to use. but when b. moved out, times changed radically. after all this time it was the first time that there was a big generational change. 6 (out of 11) people had moved out shortly after another. that time, it was august of last year, it was before i followed b. to the us for the first time, the time we had broken up actually. i was going insane. i was sick of all the untidyness, of all the things laying around that absolutely belonged to nobody. so i radically cleaned and threw out everything. not only did i clean, no i also invested into decorating and just making it a nice common room. i spent hours into doing all that. and i knew that in all those years nobody else had ever cared to take care of that room like this. but i didn't care, i just wanted to have a restart, to finally be able to have a space worth spending time in, also for the new generation to come. and so i sacrificed myself willingly and happily....

what i could have never expected is how unbelievably ungrateful and disrespectful the people of the new generation would be. that is mostly because all of them were freshmen, for all of them it is the first time living on their own, and many of them are economics students... i have never met, or rather also had to live among, such obnoxious and absolutely brainless and naive people. i could not hide the way i thought of them. they realised i didn't vibe with them, because we just have nothing in common. so what happened is that they befriended each other, regularly hosts parties in that kitchen (which had not happened in all those years) and percieved me as being overly strict and annoying (for trying to enforce the upkeeping of the cleanliness that i so kindly had made possible). well and now those new people are the ones that tell ME that what i am doing is weird and wrong! how fucking dare they? how do they think they are? where do they think they live and whom do they think they are talking to? how inconsiderate and stupid can people actually be? and the worst part: before, this corridor consisted of mostly international people. now all of them are my fellow countrymen. and because they are young, dumb, spoiled and naive they have no clue about life, kindness and consideration. unfortunately my countrymen are horribly rule-obiding and narrow in their thinking. it is unbelievable to me that even the young and dumb have internalised this to this extent that whilst being young and disobbeying, they are just dumb, but still obeying. how fucking lame and brain dead can you possibly become? i hate my countrymen and this stupidity. this urge to denounce each other and the lack of comeraderie. i mean: we are of one kind! we are students, we are poor, there is a housing crisis in this town. are you seriously threatenting me with snitching? for fucking what. i am living in the living room of a old man. i am not even earning extra money with subletting the room... i am actually so sad and disappointed by how those people can be so cruel to get into my business like that. i wish they knew how happy they should be that i am not currently living with them because if i did i would complain about the shit they do constantly. i am so sad that i get intimidated by those stupid, spoiled brats. international people would never act like this. they stick together. help each other! in the dorm y. lives in there is one room where 5 pakistani men live together. y. lives just next to them and he said that in the night he hears them talk to their families. but he does not even comlain about it! he deals with it! because who is he to snitch? who is he to complain? that's how life is as a student! deal with it!... all of those thoughts in my head, i could just not fall asleep. i was anxious, angry and disappointed.

well, when i woke up, i had overslept both my seminars. it was around noon and my throat was sore. my dreams had been horrible and confusing. my day had not even started and i had already disappointed myself. anyway i thought "let's make the most of it. let's get out of bed, read and be disciplined." so i went to the café and read a bit. at some point i decided to call my mother for once to ask her about the best strategy as to how to deal with those intrusive nosy people. i had described the whole situation to her and she basically said "make them regret that they ever wanted you back". because when in two weeks js. wil arrive, i will also spend more time in that room. perhaps though i should not be too radical, but somehow try to even be diplomatic and befriend them again somehow... it will be a challenge!!...

anyway. having somewhat felt comfortable sharing that story with my mother i made the mistake of telling her more than just that. i additionally told her how happy i am and how well i am doing. how disciplined i am and how much j. likes me living with him. how i am so passionate about certain topics i am reading about right now and how i might be considering making those topics a field of my research one day. because i had always dreamt of working in academia. for me personally i have never questioned doing a phd. it is something i long for, not for the sake of the title, no. but for the sake of the research!.. so i told my mother all of this... and instead of being happy for me or congratulating me for my accomplishments, for feeling so satisfied... what she said was "well, but you cannot always be living like this. you know, you will at some point have to have "a real job" and actually earn money. having opened my heart to her, having put myself in the most vulnerable position sharing my hopes and dreams with her i felt crushed, destroyed. it was the worst thing she could have possibly said. i could not believe my situation. i started crying and complaining to her. i got agitated and just so incredibly disappointed. i defended myself saying that all i am doing is working, cleaning, studying, reading and living an extremly minimalist and parsiomnic lifestyle and how other people my age are doing bullshits, partying, doing drugs and wasting their money and time (which i personally don't even think is bad when you are young. that's what being young is for god damn! it's just not for me really!). i said how i could not possibly do better right now and how damn ungrateful she is for not appreciating all of that. and then i ended the call and just sobbed... and the situation managed to even get worse:

having that call, that lasted 50 minutes in total, i was sitting in the café. to be particular in the outside area of it. it was not a beautifully warm and sunny day as the day before. in fact, it was cold and rainy. so when i initially sat outside, i was the only person sitting there. after some time one woman sat just next to me. eventually two other people joined that woman, they knew each other. they were white wealthy people in their sixties i'd say. two women, one man. when i got agitated and started crying i could tell that those people were bothered by it already. but i was busy fighting with my mother, so at that time i did not do anytihng about it. just when i finished that call i was actually as kind and brave as to approach those people and said "well, sorry i was a bit loud, but i have existential problems right now". and instead of being understanding or even trying to calm me down (i was literally sobbing...) the man of the group kindly said "well, but you don't need to be having your existential problems here!!!". i could not believe it!!!! how fucking heartless can you be? i told him "look, i sat here first and i did not decide to be having those problems right now". then he said "well, but now be fucking quiet already." he repeated "be quiet already!!!" i attempted to defend myself saying "look, i approached you to genuinely excuse for having bothered you..." and he just shushed me and said "it is enough noww!!!! be quiet!!" -

i tried to hold it for a moment but i blasted into uncontrollable tears. this whole interaction had actually hurt me more than the interaction with my mother. because i knew my mother. i knew how she is like and i knew it was my mistake sharing details about my life and my plans with her. she is not educated, she is not well behaved, she is no academic. she has no clue about those things. however though, those strangers sitting next to me in the rainy outside space of the café. those strangers that witnessed all of the disappointing things i shared with my mother. witnessed me defending myself to her. witnessed me being broken, sitting alone and crying. a god damn young girl sitting in front of her laptop and book. those same strangers decided to be heartless and bothered and treat me like i was not a human being deserving understanding. my sould broke from that. i stood up went to the opposite side of the street and sat down on the ground of that square the café is facing. on the dirty ground. and since i could not make sense of it all and felt as lonely as perhaps never before i explained all of what had just happened to me to js. in a long voice message in which i sounded like the worst idiot sobbing. i sat there for about 20 minutes. i could not stop crying.

at some point i went inside the café, into the bathroom to sort myself. it didn't really work out that well, just temporarily. i grabbed my things from the table beside those people who were now happily chatting with each other because i had gone. i ordered another coffee and sat down inside. the girl taking my order could sense i was broken. i could tell. i took my coffee and attemped to distract myself by reading the last 50 pages of the book. but there was no way. i kept crying, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face making it incredibly hard to read. i sat there for one and a half hours like that. i did not once stop crying. eventually i finished the book. it gave me something. all kinds of thoughts in my head. and the thought that in the end gave me somewhat of hope and strength was what will always be there are books to read and ways to educate myself. and even if my mother does not believe in my career and strangers treat me like a piece of shit i will still follow the path that i chose for myself. and with that in mind and the thought of being able to buy the next book to read once i finish the current one - i made it. i left the café and directly went to the book store. the big one. i carefully looked at all the books available on sociology and politics. i decided for a collection of essays by a professor of poltiical science about migration and integration. she herself has migrated to this country and i had recently read a paper by her. it was also a recent publication so i was very happy. i picked myself up, took my bike and headed home to redo my make-up and eat something in order to be able to show up at work at 7pm.

when i had arrived at 6, j. was in the piano room having his weekly digital meditation session with b. what perhaps i have not mentioned yet, or at least not often, is that j. actually is a a benedictinian oblate. in the same church actually that charles taylor is also part of. actually, j. had even met him before... however, that's the reason he meditetates very regularly and often together with other people. when b. was still living in this country - at this time j.'s health was better as well - every friday we would gather at the same chapel to meditate together. it was amazing... ok but me still being very weak i was happy j. was busy and was also in somewhat of a hurry. i ate and got ready. whene i was ready, j. and b. had just finished meditating and j. called me into the piano room to say hi to b. what j. did in fact not know that time was firstly how horrible i was feeling and secondly that b. and me had not talked in a week, because we had a fight last weekend. it started in the most silly and unimportant way but in my opinion b. went too far and treated me just so condescendingly, patronisngly and arrogantly that i decided it was enough. i had told him that if he writes me a good and genuine mail acknowledging his mistakes and bad treatment i would unblock him and would only then be willing to continue our friendship. up until this moment that j. had called me into the room b. had actually not done so... but of course i did not let him know. what i did let both of them know in this moment was how bad my day had been and what had happende to me. i did so, because j. specifically asked about my day. and i shared those things in a very brief manner. i only did it, because i knew both those men would be able to relate and understand my situation. because both those men had been foreigners in this country and had suffered a lot from the ways my country-men treat each other and especially foreigners... being heartless and not giving a shit about each other certainly is a quality that is commonly known to be a thing of my country-men... but yeah, sharing this story i again began to cry. but i was in a rush. and i had just redone my make-up. so i concluded: "perhaps i actually have to feel pity for them not being able to be kind, or perhaps happy that seemingly those people have never had life being gruesome to them, perhaps i should also be happy for my pain, because i will go sure to never become like those people". i was thinking out loud saying those words and actually - it was a great conclusion and lesson from that horrible experience.

could i at this point in time have expected my day to possibly even become worse??... probably not. but that's what happened:

so i went to the theatre. i was covering the shift that checks the tickets. it's the easiest and most chill thing to do ever. and it was also just two hours. the first hour of which i basically had nothing to do, because it is only about ten minutes before the play starts that we let people inside of the theatre hall. exactly this being my task. until then i chatted with the guy managing the bar (the one that is so nice and chill and who had said he missed me while i was in the us) and read my book. i was rather content. and also trying to avoid interaction with the girl covering the box office shift at all cost. she was one of the people who had complained about me to our boss. when i had come back from the us in the beginning of april that was the first thing that happened: my boss ordering to talk to me in person, sharing how several people had complained about me being "arrogant"!!!!!! that experience having extremly thrown me off and confused totally, i was now incredibly insecure about who exactly had had what reason to dislike me. because i could just not make sense of it. so my strategy was avoidance....

unfortunately though there is one moment where i have to interact with the box office shift. it is when i have closed the doors of the theatre hall, i have to report the exact time of when i have done so to her... that evening the guy managing the stage tech was a very inexperienced and to be honest stupid one. he kept activating the sound of the gong that indicates that people should go inside of the hall. normally the stage tech people do it twice of three times, but shortly before the play was supposed to start he just kept doing it because he was impatient and wanted me to close the door at all costs. it's just that we are strictly instructed to only close the doors at 8pm sharp. not earlier than that, even if everybody is already sitting on their seats. which in this case has been the case for 5 minutes already... me cringing by him activating the gong over and over again (because it just confuses people!) i dared to close the doors at 7:59 already. i went to the box office to report. but the girl didn't even let me talk, when i arrived, she said "honey, it was only 7:59"... me being not in the mood at all to be called "honey" having had the worst day in a damn long time i replied "well, maybe for once we are not as exact about things and you simply write down 8pm for now". i was just so annoyed that i was not possible to have one normal exchange with this girl. and the worst thing is that technically she was right. of course, i know that we are supposed to close at 8pm, i am not stupid. but damn, who gives a shit?! why even make it a big deal. and who do you think you are calling me fucking "honey"?!

being angry, and very insecure about whether for that she would again complain to my boss about me i wanted to be the first to complain and reported the interaction to my boss. i wrote him a long text about what happened, why i did what i did, how i felt treated condescendingly by that girl and how i myself think it's childish of me to report to him, but how i also feel treated unfairly. i just did not want to again be in a situation where i would be unprepared and defenseless. where i would just have to accept being called arrogant or perhaps misbehaving! i was not god damn misbehaving! that girl made a big deal out of something that should not even be a big deal. and the way she approached me is not how i want to be talked to. i was just so incredibly annoyed by this unnessary interaction. again: the brainless urge of my countrymen to stick to the rules. brainless for fucks sake! anyway though, i distracted myself reading and chatting with the bar guy. he always lifts me up.

after my shift was done at around 9.30 i for once not escaped the theatre by riding my bike, but by only pushing it, because i reported what had happened to js. me being slow and only walking the bar guy on his way to his other restaurant that is in walking distance to the theatre caught up on me. and we walked together for some time. us now finally being outside the theatre i was free to tell him about this bad dynamic between me and the girl. and how i had been scolded about misbehaving for being "arrogant" to my coworkers. he was completely shook. he said "arrogant?? you are the oposite" and i was like "yes!!! that's what i thought". i opened my heart to him saying how i think those people working with me have apparently never worked a real job before, because our job is just the easiest thing to do and how it was a miracle to me how they, despite that, still keep complaining about our working conditions! like, we basically get paid to sit there and chit chat with people. and the bar guy agreed. he said "yes!!! i always wonder how you guys complain, there is nothing that you ever do". and he is just right.

well, that somewhat made my day good again. i rode my bike home through the night my spotify favourites playlist on shuffle. and what song starts playing? "that's life" by frank sinatra. i had not reminded liking that song on spotify, nor had i remembered ever paying attention to the lyrics. but i sure did at that point. it was ironic and absurd how well this song summarised the hell of a day i had had. i was severly broken and disappointed. but i still was happy. i started crying tears of gratefulness. for being able to cycle home to j. and to continue with my life.

when i got home i put a pizza in the oven and sat down in the kitchen waiting for it. soon j. got home. he was in a good mood. he was just having dinner with his wife. he sat down by the kitchen table. i brought him a beer. in this moment i realised there was one open question about the situation i had shared with him in the afternoon: he had wondered what the fight with my mother had been about in first place. and so i told him, how i simply intended to share with my mother how happy i am nowadays. i said "i think i have not been as happy in years actually". and that just made him so happy. it was a very wholesome admission of mine. j. thought i was exaggerating. but i really was not... it was the best and most uplifting way to end this horrible day.

---

some conclusionary thoughts:

those two days served as a big and important lesson to me. it showed me what people i can rely on, what people lift me up, how i can lift myself up and how the most important thing will always be to be kind, understanding and human. and the most interesting thing had just happened around half an hour ago when i was sitting exactly where i am sitting right now: in my café on a sofa writing all of this down. the book i had bought laying in next to my laptop. the guy who had sat next to me on the other sofa before leaving the café approaching me to ask about the book. i was annoyed somewhat, because i supposed he wanted to flirt or whatever. he wanted to know private information, like where i was from what i am studying etc. perhaps just doing small talk. perhaps i was just too fucking paranoid. but i stayed friendly and nice. i answered the questions very vaguely and when he wanted to know about the book i said it is about how people get treated unfairly in this country he wanted to know "well... what is the solution?" i said "hm.. good question." i really did not want to give a pretentious politically loaded statement, so i simply said "i guess, to be friendly and kind". to which he replied "yes, to be human in fact". and that was the end of our interaction.

i really don't want to be the kind of person to believe in "signs" but that was as much of a sign as it could have possibly be, even if "signs" did not exist. to illustrate how unlikely this whole interaction was to happen, i want to emphasise that here in this country people normally do not approach other people like that. you mind your own business really. it has never happened to me before in this café. and i go here almost every single day.

another thing i want to mention before i wrap this up:

i am the opinion that women should stick together. women as well as poor students. i do not want to have a dispute with my coworker. we could possibly even be friends. we study the same course, both of us passionate about social justice, politics, literature and law. i have attempted several efforts to be friendly to her ever since i work at the theatre but it has always failed. i think it is envy that makes her act those ways. envy because people like me in the theatre. and i mostly mean our guests and, well, then there's also the actors themselves and the director. literally just yesterday when letting people inside of the theatre hall one of the actors who is not involved in this particular play decided to go watch it. so he was in the foyer in the break with all the other guests. when i ended the break and let people in again, he approached me saying "look, i really have to tell you how you are just such a beautiful human". i got very happy... and then there is also the fact that i had this short term relationship with a. that that girl apparently also got to know about... and it's not that i am so uniquely beautiful, i think i am really average looking. in this town here there are so many so incredibly pretty girls, i am really nothing special. like, seriously! but apparently i have something about me that people like. perhaps it's charme. whatever! i can definitely tell that some women treat me weirdly for no reason at all. and i feel it's such a shame. in fact, i have no girl-friends (but my bsf who lives in oslo) (i mean i actually don't really have any friends other than js. and b. lol), but i would die to have girl-friends.

or i would die just to be treated with casual kindness. like a damn human being. feeling that well as a white, able bodied, normal and well dressed young woman i do not even want to imagine what i would be treated as an obvious foreigner, homeless, disabled, or just somewhat slightly "not normal" person. all i should really learn from my latest experiences and the books i have been reading on polarisation, migration and integration recently all lead to this one simply lesson: "be kind. be human!".

i am grateful for those experiences.

grace, kindness, love & discipline

i really sound like the cheesiest bitch most of the times, don't i? but seriously, this is all i have. i exist through the sheer grace of my friends and am kept alive by people's kindness. there is nothing more in my life. and with that nothing else i should practice and value more than that.

the rent of my dorm got increased and i am more and more realising that i do not need, want and despite that also cannot afford living there anymore. i also want to stop illegally subletting it, of course only after js. will have at some point stopped living in there. it is cruel to think about that at this time, since he has not even arrived to europe yet and i don't possibly want to think about him departing again. but since i will stop recieving the goverment money from october on i will have to completely finance myself, which will be extremly hard. that's why already now i want to take all the precautions: on sunday my mother comes to visit to take most of my things back to her flat. before she comes i want to radically declutter what is in my room. i mean, actually it is already decluttered, because i had done that before moving to the us for two months. but i want to be more radical.

living in j.'s living room with only a very few things made me realise how i really dont need the rest at all. it is much easier for my mind not to have many belongings. then, if ever anything happens that i am unprepared for, it will be a lot easier to be mobile.

so hoping that things keep going well with j. i will want to either completely cancel my contract of that dorm or officially sublet it for a few months. i will talk about this with j.'s wife and will inform myself about the requirements and my overall renting situation.

anyway. i realised how being able to be mean to people is such a huge priviledge. because it implies that you possibly will not need to depend on them or their help ever. of course, one should be nice for the sole sake of itself, but that is another aspect i realised. i have to train myself so hard to be nice to people at my jobs and now also somewhat play a role in my living situation.

and i do not think it's bad even. because for all those years i have always been full of hate and anger. i was carrying resentment, my thoughts busy with meaningless disputes and i allowed myself to be bothered just so much. but now, i cannot afford that anymore. i have nothing, will not even have my own living space anymore soon, i will be really poor, have to be really hard working. and i will be happy like that. i will have to learn how to forgive, how to be unbothered, how to show grace to others, to be kind to people who have not been kind to me. and most importantly stop being so angry about and bothered by everybody.

in the past weeks i already managed all of that quite well actually. and i am so happy for that. now it is about staying strong, minimalising my existence, being grateful, disciplined and just happy for how things are right now. and whatever will happen, i will know that i will be able to make it with my hard work, focus and my frugal lifestyle.

of course i know that things cannot always be as parsimonous as that, one day i will want to have my own space. but now is not the time. i am so young, i don't have claim and even urge to live any differently.

i am so thankful for j. and b. in my life. those people show me how to be truly graceful, kind and appreciative. i learn what really counts. and once i actually have internalised that, i will be as strong as never before. i will be unstoppable, because whatever happens, i will be able to find the good in it.

---

another big step regarding maturity and disciplne that i am doing right now is deciding not to go on holiday with js. i have this one week of holidays from uni in may because of pentecoast. the past days i had been texting all kinds of people on couchsurfing to organise our stay. i even already booked the plane tickets... but more and more i am realising how idiotic it is to travel somewhere now. it is basically already june! and in july i write my exams. i cannot afford travelling for a week. i would regret not being focused. this situation reallly is a situation where i can prove to myself what it is all about for me right now. is it about showing my new boyfriend beautiful parts of europe? or is it about focusing on my studies and my boyfriend arranging with that and making it work nevertheless? it should be the latter! the answer is clear to me now. and i am so happy to know that despite that he will be disappointed, he will still just be happy to spend time with me. because all he cares about is being with me. and the same goes for me. all i want is to somehow be with him. spend some time together. find time, make it work... perhaps one day we will be able to travel again together. but now really is not the time. i should have known that earlier, before spending the money on the tickets and spending three days contacting people. but well, at least i know now and i managed to be honest to myself!

my, now former, professor crush

my professor crush just approached me when i was sitting in the park reading...

back in december i had matched with a lecturer from my institute on bumble. only after matching he realised i am studying at the same institute, so we had a little exchange about how naturally we couldn't actually proceed with this and agreed on being chill about that having happened. it was a fun exchange and all it made me feel was flattered and amused. because then for two months i lived in the us and had already forgotten about this incident.

when i moved back here and moved in with j. the semester had started. i was unhappy about the seminars that i got assigned with and approached several professors of changing to their seminar. unfortunately one seminar that was really interesting was one that exactly this guy was supposed to give... so i sent him an email and unfortunately he notified me that his seminar was cancelled due to him being busier than he thought he would be with his research project.

luckily i had felt somewhat secure and anonymous sending him that mail, since in december i had used my middle name on bumble and had gone sure not to really show my face. back then i already knew how such weird encounters could happen in this small town. the reason he was matching with 21 year olds seemed odd to me first, but his explanation was that his profile was so new, because he had just been broken up with a longterm relationship and it was the first time for him trying online dating. when matching with me he had not paid attention to my age and what i study. idk, i believed him. he is just so dorky, so that really seems plausible.

okay, so far so good. i had felt safe sending him that email. he didn't know my real name, nor really what i looked like...

the very first week of the semester i had encoutered him at least three times in the institute, back then i just smirked in a real weird way not knowing whether he knows who i am. we did always have weird eye contact when we met though. but then, soon it should become obvious that he knew who i was:

i was on my way from j.s' place to my rowing class, in my sports cloths on my bike. he was walking on the sidewalk into the opposite direction, weirdly gesturing and talking to himself. riding by him seeing this weird scene just made me laugh out loud. he is just such a dork. unfortunately though he realised i had laughed because of him and turned around when i had already passed him. what in turn realised again which just completely made me burst into laughter. i cycled away as fast as i could i was so embarrassed. but it was just entertaining at this point.

later that day i couldn't believe my eyes when i recieved an email from him! he said "i don't normally look that much of a fool!". argh! i was so angry at him. this was just so unprofessional. because now he stepped over that line. i know he knows who i am, but i knew that before he sent me that mail. i know he just wanted to be funny and wanted to tell me "ha! i recognized you". but now i didn't know what to do... because i really wanted to be able to someday participate in that seminar!! because unfortunately though i actually am so interested into what he is teaching and researching on. and our institute just isn't that big. in fact, he and that professor whose seminar i am taking with lots of passion right now, they went to yale together. they researched on a similiar topic and therefore got to work together here as well. meaning: i already am engaged with both the people whose research i am interested most with. unfortunately one of which i have this weird history with now.

and it even got worse: i sent him a mail only days later saying "just to ensure i can parttake on your seminar one day i want to make clear that i was really only interested in the seminar when i approached you, nothing else" and it was true. i have a boyfriend now that comes all the way from america to here just for me!.. i do have to admit though that i somewhat liked the idea of playing with that tension a bit, but nothing else than that!

he replied to that saying how he admits to having regret sending that mail. he said that he was just caught off guard. which i myself was.

and worse: the next days we would see each other just so often. one saturday i saw him three times in one day!!!! what a horrro. and never had we spoken to each other in person really....

until now!

i grabbed a book, collected stories of chekhov that i had bought from book trader in new haven, took my bike and sat down underneath a tree to read. at some point i called b. to talk to him about the book i will be allowed to edit and about him looking for housing in that different city he will move to soon. and then i realised he, my professor crush, was sitting on that bench just opposite to me! i had acted like i didn't notice him, i just kept on being myself. after finishing talking with b. i just continued reading and listening to music. i did not want to make him uncomfortable but also wanted to give him something nice to look at lol. because i knew he was looking!

eventually i again called b. for a short time and whilst i was completely lost and concentraded in talking, he approached and interrupted me! i had noticed earlier how he was kind of circling around me, perhaps contemplating whether or whether not to come up to me. apparently it took him some time to gather the courage - how cute, lol. to be honest i found the fact that he completely interrupted my phone talk a bit rude, but well it seems he was just nervous. otherwise he would have probably realised that...

so he introduced himself and asked whether we want to finally talk a bit in person! i shook his hand and from then on i was just so excited i started talking and rambling and basically all he did was just giggling and being the dork he is. i told him how much i enjoy his colleagues seminar and how i fell in love with her research areas. how i had lived in new haven and had the chance to take part in some seminars of very famous scholars. i shared how i had worked for that one academic i am befriended with and how he was the reason i could live there. how now i live with this old gentleman just a street down there. i asked him whether his project needs a student assistant because i am just so jealous of that one boy working for his colleague because i had recently talked to him and he said he isn't even too much into that field of research. i said how they should let me work there instead of him, lol. i had complained about my silly jobs and how deeply i longed for working at the university. he unfortunately disappointed my hopes by saying that they don't need anybody and he also agreed with me that the boy seems to not be into that work much. he showed me in which street he lived and - oh my god: it is the same damn street my ex-fling a., the actor, and also the two dircetors of the theatre live in! what a damn small town this is!

i just rambled on and i couldn't stop myself. he was giggling and we had some tense eye contact from time to time. i could tell he enjoyed himself a lot, but i was also cringing by not having myself under control and being so god damn annoying and oversharing.

well - eventually it was enough. we had introduced each other to one another. we had established a common ground for that when next time we meet it won't be as akward. he said that was what he wanted and i told him how i think that that was a very good idea and also very neccessary. he said how this was "his hood" and well i said it's mine now as well...

and i am telling you i will go sure that once js. arrives we will spend a lot of time sitting in that park reading and making out hahahaa. i'd absolutely love to make him see that and make him envious, in a really weird sick way.

the best thing now: my crush on him is almost non-existent anymore. because when talking to him i realised that the way he laughs is just so silly it is a bit too over the top dorky! he's really cute, that's for sure. but it's just a bit too much. and i am just so happy that i feel that way.

on tuesday night js. arrives from america. i am endlessly looking forward. both of us are also endlessly horny, lol... i am just so happy how life just happens. how i met js. through bumble in the same city that my now former professor crush had also lived. how my now boyfriend is coming to europe just to see me and how ironic is it that most certainly my now former professor crush will see us together.

life really is funny sometimes. and the world is damn small.

a saturday

i am sitting in my box office. my dear coworker just gave me a little something to eat. i had a chill day. got some errands done: bought a cute sundress and sent some international mail for j.

i also met my ukranian friend that i haven't seen in half a year. so many things happened in our lives. she had kept it a secret to me that she had had a tumour in her brain. only now that it has successfully been removed she told everybody. how brave of her... she is doing her master's and studies in a different city. she got several scholarships and is a very strong and knowledgable young woman. she is just a year older than me but she is so far ahead. she took much responsiblity for her sister, with whom she flew to this country by herself. i had met her through facebook through a group for looking for friends. she is a quiet and calm girl. we are not the best friends but i appreciate her a lot.

she had joined me in my office for some time, because we couldn't make it to meet before my shift would start. but working here is just so chill. i updated her about everything: my time in the us in september, my very lonely winter back here, my fling with the actor, my time in the us this year, my new boyfriend js. who will visit me from tuesday on (!!!!), my new job, my new living situation, the thing with my lecturer... i always rather have many things going on i guess. other than her unfortunate tumour she did not have too many pieces news. but she has a new student assistant job! so cool! her job would be my dream! she for example is involved in organising a conference that one of the professors i adore is a key note speaker at! perhaps i will visit her in her city and join the conference as a passive listener. side note: when we were sitting together in my office my former fling a. walked by hastily. i know there was no reason for him to walk by me. he just wanted to show himself to me. it was the first time we had encountered after three months...

j. is watching eurovision with his wife tonight. he invited me to join mass tomorrow morning. i would love to, but spontanously got invited to join the rowing people, which i am also looking forward to. i will also pick up a bike i got second hand for js. it will be a surprise for him. it really just wouldn't make sense for him to live here without a bike. one really needs it to get around well. oh and my mother will visit me tomorrow to take most of the things i have in my dorm room back home to her flat. and well, it's also mother's day... i didn't get her anything. i guess seeing her, being nice to her and hopefully not having a fight is the best that could actually happen.

i didn't read much today, neither did i study at all. but in general i am rather happy. i was riding my bike through the sunny streets. wearing my quirky shirt that reads "that girl". my hair blowing in the wind. i know i looked nice.

js. will be here so soon... i missed him. in the last days both of us have just been so horny. i have a feeling my life will feel very much complete once he has arrived. i will take him to all the nice bars and cafés, we will spend so much time laying in the sun reading, riding our bikes together. i really hope we will keep liking each other as much as we do and only grow together even more. of course, we were living the honey moon phase back in america. now that i have this huge challenge of having to balance studying and spending time with him i hope it will only continue in a good way... we will see!

my new pants

a green sofa on the sidewalk, an orange cat that walked by & js. :)

i have lost myself

js. has been in town for three weeks now. i have showed him how i live my life, he has met my mother and has been to all places i lived in... meanwhile every day that passes that i do not spend focusing completely on my studies i am more and more unhappy. i am panicking and feel like i have lost myself, my discipline, my independence.

i surely do not want to complain. three months ago i literally dreamt of him visiting me in europe. i could have never imagined things working out so smoothly. he actually came to visit! he actually quit his job, he actually lives here now! and perhaps i could not be much happier!

what is almost annoying to me though is the fact that i feel responsible for him, for entertaining him, for ensuring he has a good time here. but there is nothing i can really do anymore. i went sure he has a bike, a room and that he lives in the what i think is the nicest city of this country.

i am somewhat beginning to be mad about him not taking more innitiative, looking for what he can do here, looking for a job, attempting to make friends? he appears very attached to me and i don't like that. when i ask him about his future plans he always only answers "i don't know". i ask "but what would you wish to be doing if everything worked out the way you wanted" and he only ever says 'i don't know"... is there nothing on his heart? no passion? no ambition?

i am a very passionate and very ambitious person. if i am not busy and disciplined i am extremly unsatisfied with myself. whereas he is just chilling. he is almost thirty now and though it is very intrusive to say that i feel like he should put more effort into figuring his life out.

the thing is, i really like him and i could very much imagine my future with him. but not if i was the only person that is responsible and has a job eventually. i want to know that my future is safe with him, that he will not be completely dependent on me. like i feel he is right now. because if he keeps being like this i will eventually get very overwhelmed and angry.

i promised myself not to be a loser this semester and so far i actually have not done too bad. but i lost the last three weeks, and that just makes me so incredibly mad and stressed. i cannot afford loosing any more day. all i should be doing is studying and reading, nothing else. but i always end up doing somewhat of the opposite: going out, having too much fun. and though js. does not actively ask to hang out with me or distract me, his presence and the fact that he is so dependend and inactive just bothers me and makes my mind busy.

the only solution for this will be for me to be more egoistic, more stern, more distant. it is about my future, my career and success. especially if he does not show any signs of ambition or any effort of making sense of his future. i cannot afford anymore to be living like him. good for him he has his mother and brother to rely on, they make lots of money. i don't have that. and i wouldn't even want that.

i am also annoyed by the fact that he does not share what is on his mind a lot. he is just so quiet all the time. i want to know what he thinks, what his mind is busy with, what his opinions and observations are. otherwise it feels like our connection is only physical. and i would not want to be the only person constantly sharing my thoughts. at some point i feel stupid, i feel like he was not interested in me, like he did not trust or value me enough to share things with me. it feels like we are not intimate enough.

well. what can i do? i have asked him so many times what he thinks and whats on his mind. i have even told him how i feel odd if he does not share things with me. he says "sorry, thats just how i am". it makes me feel so stupid and unimportant. it makes me feel like i am in a relationship with a stranger. i hate indifference. but that's all i percieve from him. he barely shows emotions. i know that he feels things, but he does not express them in any ways to me. writing those things i want to scream and cry about this.

i repeat myself: i just have to focus on me now. it is on him how he uses his chance of being here. i cannot figure out his life for him. i have to focus on my own.

taken with my laptop

us!

i like leaving traces

i got fired :)

guess i am not working at that bar anymore, lol. wednesday, a few hours before i was supposed to show up at work my boss calls me out of the blue. we had a two minute conversation in which she told me how i "create more chaos than i am a help" and how with that i was laid off. after not even a month working there.

the funniest part of it all was that within this "not even a month" period of time i was only working there for a total of maximum 10 hours. the first two times i worked it was just for 1 or 2 hours and then i worked last weekend on friday and saturday. basically my first real shifts. weeks after initially having been employed.

all the people i have talked to about this, amongst which are two of my former coworkers, told me how surprised they are about this and how unreasonable my former boss' reasoning is. it is just a lame excuse. especially since i know that i did not do badly in that job. i made some mistakes for sure, but that was just because i was new there! completely normal. and quite the contrary i myself believed that i actually did very well there, never having worked in a bar before i was very good with carrying the drinks, was quick, polite and nice and went sure to integrate myself into the work routine as good as possible, even asking many times what i could do to be the best help possible and not standing in people's way or so. especially the last time i worked (saturday two weeks ago) there was a big event where 70 people arrived at 11pm that i served almost completely on my own, only the boss herself being there to support whilst the normal customers were there as well (whom i also helped serving at the same time!)...

well, i cried a lot on wednesday. questioned my capabilities, my personality, my intelligence. i felt like i was of no value, not even performing well in a job basically anybody could do - which, tbh is not even really true, being a server is probably one of the most demanding things i have ever done. i talked with js. who tried to console me. his words were too rational, his understanding of my personality perhaps not that deep yet. in the end, we have only known each other since february. two months of which we did not spend on the same continent. i ended up calling b. and had a conversation that took about an hour. he managed to lift me up. when js. asked, i told him though that i had talkde to my mother. i know that was bad and i somewhat regret lying. in that moment though i felt so horrible, i needed to talk to somebody that knows me and my bad sides and would be able to give me a good emphatic and also fair feedback. my mother is the last person i would call. i learned that back in april...

right after that call i applied to a new job: the café&restaurant that is attached to my favourite cinema that is very close to j.'s place... the following day i overslept, but tried to force myself to be productive, which did not work really. i ended up applying to two more jobs:

as a student assistant for consultation, culture and international matters at the student union

as a working student in the it-support division at the state administrative court

and well then, i had also applied for becoming a student assistant of this one political theory professor who researches on border control of the eu borders about two weeks ago

obviously i would be happy if any of those things end up working out, but i would be most grateful if the student assistant/working students things work out. i am somewhat sick of working non-office jobs. i feel like they basically "don't count" on my cv. though i personally know that this is bullshit, because all office related jobs i did were much more simple than any service job i have practiced.

trying to get me to work and be productive did not end up working out throughout the rest of the week at all. i skipped all university courses, felt bad for that. skipped rowing, felt bad for that. slept in, ate fast foods, spent too much money for unnessary things. did all those things i managed to avoid for almost two months. felt back into old patterns. my ego was just too down, i was not strong enough and felt into my hole again.

i am talking in past tense as if that was not the case anymore. just today i did all of those things once again. i read one text for uni but did nothing else productive at all. instead i overslept. js. stayed over at j.'s place and we stayed in bed for a long time together. i love him a lot and i love being with him, but it is just like sinning. we had good sex, then sneaked out and went to what has become our regular café. there it was pretty hard to concentrate for me, because soon the guy who plays those awful latin music began working. in the early afternoon i went on a shopping spree, bought things that i will return again tomorrow and then just went home to j. completely disappointed and exhausted i fell asleep and only woke up again at 9pm. since then i have watched stupid youtube videos and just completely wasted my time again.

yesterday i also did not get anything done though basically the whole day was free. after working at the theatre for three hours in the morning - it was a special event called "philosophical café" that we hosted in cooperation with the university in context of the events fot the anniversary of the 300th birthday of kant - i had a fight with js. that started with me confessing that i had lied to him on wednesday about having talked to my mother. his coping strategy is taking his time to think and deal with his emotions before continuing a conversation. which could be seen somewhat of an avoidant strategy, especially because he would ignore my messages for a while, but to be honest i much rather prefer this way of coping with one's emotions than unreflected direct confrontation that could possibly be even aggressive. my first two boyfriends (and both my father and mother) have rather followed the latter strategy from which i am heavily traumatised still, so i am happy js. is rational and considerate. still, it is something i have to get used to. especially because i like direct confrontation. i want to talk about the matters as soon as possible, i want to hear all the things you think about in an unfiltered way. the part that annoyed me most is that we did not have a real conversation until the late evening so basically the whole day my mind was busy with this conflict not being able to resolve the conflict.

in the evening though js. came to the park i initially sat down at to study (which i did not end up doing...). fun fact, my former professor crush had spotted me sitting under a tree and waved at me very akwardly. i had not even seen him until he waved, i at that time was on the phone with b. telling him about the fight i was having with js. about him. that guy, his acronym is to. from now on because i have a feeling (and hope) i will mention him again soon, is really such a douche. he seems like he does not have friends really, i always only see him on his own. and funnily enough i think the gym that i signed up for is the gym that he trains in. anway, the dilemma with js. and b. is how i can really understand js. for feeling bad about me talking to my ex so much. but then, b.'s and my dynamic has never been a romantic love relationship really. he has been more of big brother and best friend to me. he knows me like no other. and i would never consider stopping contact to him for anybody. in the end, it would be silly to require, because there is literally no reason to want that. i asked b. if he knows how i can make this situation any better for js. b. said that i should mention how supportive he has been of our relationship. and it's somewhat true. b. knew that js. and me were meeting up in his apartment but he still allowed me there. he encouraged me to meet with him. another big problem for me is that i basically don't have other friends than b. and maybe e., my "best friend". about e. i know taht our friendship is somewhat ingenuine, impure and shallow. i just know that she likes to see me fail and do bad. when i do well i know she is jealous of me, she cannot even hide it well. i guess what we are bonding about is the fact that we know each other from high school and that are traumata are somewhat similar.

i just wish i had girl-friends or a friend circle. i really have tried. i got part of the two organisations with intentions of getting to know people. i ended up being president of both, but did not gain any real close friends, but rather people i try best to avoid in my every day life. my only good and close friends really have been my boyfriends throughout the years. - well, i know that the only solution is to keep going, keep being friendly, keep socialising, hoping to get to know people at the rowing club, at the gym, at my new job that i hopefully soon will get, and maybe start to go to church soon! i think the reason i don't have friends really is that i really dislike changing myself for people, but am very authentically mself which many people obviosuly cannot deal with (eg this bitch at the theatre that complained about me being arrogant???). anyway, i know that being alone is much better than being with people i could not be myself with and i also know that many of those people i see hanging out with each other have really shallow relationships to one another that i would not enjoy entertaining.

to conclude because i should really sleep now in order to be able to wake up on time for my 8am class (its about 3 already...):

things are as bad as they have not been in months i would say. i again have to look for a new job, i am back in all my bad old patterns and i have less than a month to study for 6 exams which i did not even really start doing. what can i do now? i have to be strong, keep going and just stop with the negative self talk. i have to forgive myself, and give myself new chances every day and even throughout a day if necessary. this is what discipline is about.

and i have to never forget how good i have it right now: i live with j. who is doing well and who appreciates me. my best friend b. is doing well and is in touch with me regularly. work at the theatre is doing well, my colleague who manages the bar just on saturday underlining how much he appreciates me. i still recieve government money until october, therefore i still have enough time to find a good new second job. i have signed up at a gym and will join the rowing club officially now.

and the probably nicest part: i have a boyfriend whom i love, who is intelligent, mature, emphatic, fucking hot, and who is with me right now! in the past week (before i got fired) i had a long conversation with him about how i feel like he should try figure out what he wants to do in his life now a bit more seriously. and he follows my advice: in the past days he has researched on options on doing a masters in my country and has found something he finds interesting. just today he started uploading his certificates already! and after we had that fight on sunday he told me how this is the first time for him to have a good and mature relationship that he can objectively see himself in for a longterm future. and it's just the same for me. it's the first time i am on eye level with somebody. somebody who is respectful, about my age (ok... its 8 years of difference but that is really fair enough), and who lives a good and healthy lifestyle that i look up to. and despite me having complaied about him in my last post and having subsequently recieved a very well intentioned and long message by a kind person who read it about certain things i believed to be incompabilities, with him i realised i can talk about stuff. and we change things together. just today when i had a panick attack about studying we had a long conversation about him supporting me following my own guidelines (about not spending money, not wasting time and sitting down to study)... in fact the long conversation i had earlier last week was inspired by that post i recieved by that stranger on here. being touched by it i just bluntly asked js. whether he thinks we are simply incompatable in those things or if not how we can deal with them. he was not offended and we ended up talking about our futures for a long time.

it is about 3:30am right now. extremly late, but i am determined to wake up early and go to the seminar. things will get better, i will keep going.