My Wonderful Side Blog Got Flagged. I Dont Even Know Why :(

my wonderful side blog got flagged. i don’t even know why :(

hihi

that's life

that one day had started perfectly. i woke up so early, had a healthy breakfast while listening to alice capelle's latest video essay, cleaned, got ready. the sun was shining, i was riding my bike to uni listening to beach house. the town was slowly waking up.

i did not want to go to uni, but forced myself. it was a tutorial i had skipped two times already. in fact, it was the first ever time i was showing up. i expected there to be people i didn't like and of course that was the case. those people also managed to behave in the most childish ways possible. some people were giving a presentation and they just kept giggling and talking allthroughout. how childish can you actually be? anyway, the new ataraxic person i am trying to become should not even waste thought and energy on people like this (ataraxic certainly sounds better (and less resentful...) than "not giving a fuck", doesn't it).

right after that tutorial i went to a lectuer i had skipped two times as well, because it would have required me to go to this institute i had never been to and i was shy. last weekend though i had a seminar on transcultural sensivilisation in there, so this burden was overcome. i went upstairs and there was an old man waiting in front of the door. it was around hafl past nine and he asked "why is the door locked, there must be people inside already, mustn't there?". i asked him whether he already considered ringing the bell. which i did and shortly after we were let in. telling by his age i had supposed he must have been a professor. but it turned out he was not! looking for the room of the lecture i had spotted him again and wanted to know "is this where islamic family law occurs in?" and it was. it was a tiny room, on three walls there were tall bookshelves like in a library, on the fourth there were windows. he was the chatty kinda guy. i asked him about the intranet page and he helped me settle. he was fun and somewhat cute. he had printed all the slides, sat there all prepared with his flask full of hot tea serving himself from time to time... eventually the room got crowded. many young women. i felt much more homey and welcome than in any lecture or seminar ever before. the lecturer was late, but it was okay. i knew him because of b. he gave a short keynote at the conference b. had organised last summer. i was very much involved in the organisation of that, unfortunately though only unofficially. so officially my efforts failed to get recognized. well, the downside of dating an academic and getting too involved in his work i guess... however, it was a great pleasure for me to get to know all those internationally renowned scholars. b. was a great host, it was a great success for this university - i would go as far as to say: for this country... anyways, the lecture was fine.

in the two hour break that i had, i sat down at my favourite café and continued reading that recent and long sociological study. i read those 400 pages within 5 days. for me that was a good achievement!

i then enjoyed that lecture on international law with that charismatic lecturerer and afterwards headed back to the café first to read a bit more and at some point home to j. to make myself something quick to eat (fried mushrooms - for some reason i am obsessed with them currently).

then i went for rowing. it was warm, a bit humid, but just heavenly. i asked to be the stroke that time, because i had never been the stroke. and also because i was paired with that one guy whom i despise because his technique is just so bad and i refuse to copy his rhythm. so i that time wanted to force him for once be considerate and attentive himself! because in theory, everybody is supposed to follow the stroke! in theory!!! but no: the three other people in the boat just did whatever they thought was right. of course, i shouldn't complain, since all of us are beginners. but like... some more than others. and it appears to me that certain people don't even try to change their patterns. but i knew i did very well. first, because it felt very good and right, second, because our cox told me so!! i felt so validated. it was comparable to hearing "you're a pleasure to have in class". hehehe. and yeah in fact one piece of advice that the cox had given me was to open the blades earlier. and that really changed something in my brain and the way i rowed. it was magical haha.

after rowing i was sweaty, happy and satisfied. i went home to quickly change and grab my book. i then proceeded to read another one franzen's essays.

coming back home aroun 9.30pm i felt as if i could not have possibly perfomed better that day. i went to uni, read, ate healthy, cleaned the house, took care of myself, was kind - only so much that i can do. i for once was satisfied and proud of myself.

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for some reason though i could just not fall asleep. it was humid and warm. i lied awake, scrolling on here and chatting with js. at some point in the night i recieved a text from one of my corridor mates of my dorm. that boy asked "i am curious about your living situation??" i answered "why??" because like, what the heck is this your business? well, i told him how i am temporarily living with that old gentleman to take care of him and whilst doing so am subletting my room. i told him that everything should be fine because the people that live there are good and tidy people and i wanted to nicely tell that guy "mind your own god damn business!!!". of course, i get it. if they see people moving in and out, within 4 months it has been three people now, they begin to wonder. but like... it's a god damn dormitory, not a luxury apartment building. the credo should be "live and let live" and don't fucking get into each others businesses. that boy's audacity just made me so angry that i could not sleep until 5am the next day. because i was actually worrying! those stupid nosy people could possibly snitch on me! because the way i am subletting is illegal. i coudl do it legally, but that would require a minimum of three months. and i just don't know how life will be in three months for me. and i cannot afford possibly being homeless in this town. and the worst and most absurd of it all: for about a decade things were chill and nice in that corridor. i know that through b. who had lived there for almost all this time. (yeah it sounds much, but like you must know he did his phd and was still living there the years after when he was in the process of publishing (which he still is lol...)). so, all those years people were living and minding their own businesses. when b. and me were living there together those one and a hald years, certainly it was the best time ever. the kitchen (our only common room) was always free, completly for us to use. but when b. moved out, times changed radically. after all this time it was the first time that there was a big generational change. 6 (out of 11) people had moved out shortly after another. that time, it was august of last year, it was before i followed b. to the us for the first time, the time we had broken up actually. i was going insane. i was sick of all the untidyness, of all the things laying around that absolutely belonged to nobody. so i radically cleaned and threw out everything. not only did i clean, no i also invested into decorating and just making it a nice common room. i spent hours into doing all that. and i knew that in all those years nobody else had ever cared to take care of that room like this. but i didn't care, i just wanted to have a restart, to finally be able to have a space worth spending time in, also for the new generation to come. and so i sacrificed myself willingly and happily....

what i could have never expected is how unbelievably ungrateful and disrespectful the people of the new generation would be. that is mostly because all of them were freshmen, for all of them it is the first time living on their own, and many of them are economics students... i have never met, or rather also had to live among, such obnoxious and absolutely brainless and naive people. i could not hide the way i thought of them. they realised i didn't vibe with them, because we just have nothing in common. so what happened is that they befriended each other, regularly hosts parties in that kitchen (which had not happened in all those years) and percieved me as being overly strict and annoying (for trying to enforce the upkeeping of the cleanliness that i so kindly had made possible). well and now those new people are the ones that tell ME that what i am doing is weird and wrong! how fucking dare they? how do they think they are? where do they think they live and whom do they think they are talking to? how inconsiderate and stupid can people actually be? and the worst part: before, this corridor consisted of mostly international people. now all of them are my fellow countrymen. and because they are young, dumb, spoiled and naive they have no clue about life, kindness and consideration. unfortunately my countrymen are horribly rule-obiding and narrow in their thinking. it is unbelievable to me that even the young and dumb have internalised this to this extent that whilst being young and disobbeying, they are just dumb, but still obeying. how fucking lame and brain dead can you possibly become? i hate my countrymen and this stupidity. this urge to denounce each other and the lack of comeraderie. i mean: we are of one kind! we are students, we are poor, there is a housing crisis in this town. are you seriously threatenting me with snitching? for fucking what. i am living in the living room of a old man. i am not even earning extra money with subletting the room... i am actually so sad and disappointed by how those people can be so cruel to get into my business like that. i wish they knew how happy they should be that i am not currently living with them because if i did i would complain about the shit they do constantly. i am so sad that i get intimidated by those stupid, spoiled brats. international people would never act like this. they stick together. help each other! in the dorm y. lives in there is one room where 5 pakistani men live together. y. lives just next to them and he said that in the night he hears them talk to their families. but he does not even comlain about it! he deals with it! because who is he to snitch? who is he to complain? that's how life is as a student! deal with it!... all of those thoughts in my head, i could just not fall asleep. i was anxious, angry and disappointed.

well, when i woke up, i had overslept both my seminars. it was around noon and my throat was sore. my dreams had been horrible and confusing. my day had not even started and i had already disappointed myself. anyway i thought "let's make the most of it. let's get out of bed, read and be disciplined." so i went to the café and read a bit. at some point i decided to call my mother for once to ask her about the best strategy as to how to deal with those intrusive nosy people. i had described the whole situation to her and she basically said "make them regret that they ever wanted you back". because when in two weeks js. wil arrive, i will also spend more time in that room. perhaps though i should not be too radical, but somehow try to even be diplomatic and befriend them again somehow... it will be a challenge!!...

anyway. having somewhat felt comfortable sharing that story with my mother i made the mistake of telling her more than just that. i additionally told her how happy i am and how well i am doing. how disciplined i am and how much j. likes me living with him. how i am so passionate about certain topics i am reading about right now and how i might be considering making those topics a field of my research one day. because i had always dreamt of working in academia. for me personally i have never questioned doing a phd. it is something i long for, not for the sake of the title, no. but for the sake of the research!.. so i told my mother all of this... and instead of being happy for me or congratulating me for my accomplishments, for feeling so satisfied... what she said was "well, but you cannot always be living like this. you know, you will at some point have to have "a real job" and actually earn money. having opened my heart to her, having put myself in the most vulnerable position sharing my hopes and dreams with her i felt crushed, destroyed. it was the worst thing she could have possibly said. i could not believe my situation. i started crying and complaining to her. i got agitated and just so incredibly disappointed. i defended myself saying that all i am doing is working, cleaning, studying, reading and living an extremly minimalist and parsiomnic lifestyle and how other people my age are doing bullshits, partying, doing drugs and wasting their money and time (which i personally don't even think is bad when you are young. that's what being young is for god damn! it's just not for me really!). i said how i could not possibly do better right now and how damn ungrateful she is for not appreciating all of that. and then i ended the call and just sobbed... and the situation managed to even get worse:

having that call, that lasted 50 minutes in total, i was sitting in the café. to be particular in the outside area of it. it was not a beautifully warm and sunny day as the day before. in fact, it was cold and rainy. so when i initially sat outside, i was the only person sitting there. after some time one woman sat just next to me. eventually two other people joined that woman, they knew each other. they were white wealthy people in their sixties i'd say. two women, one man. when i got agitated and started crying i could tell that those people were bothered by it already. but i was busy fighting with my mother, so at that time i did not do anytihng about it. just when i finished that call i was actually as kind and brave as to approach those people and said "well, sorry i was a bit loud, but i have existential problems right now". and instead of being understanding or even trying to calm me down (i was literally sobbing...) the man of the group kindly said "well, but you don't need to be having your existential problems here!!!". i could not believe it!!!! how fucking heartless can you be? i told him "look, i sat here first and i did not decide to be having those problems right now". then he said "well, but now be fucking quiet already." he repeated "be quiet already!!!" i attempted to defend myself saying "look, i approached you to genuinely excuse for having bothered you..." and he just shushed me and said "it is enough noww!!!! be quiet!!" -

i tried to hold it for a moment but i blasted into uncontrollable tears. this whole interaction had actually hurt me more than the interaction with my mother. because i knew my mother. i knew how she is like and i knew it was my mistake sharing details about my life and my plans with her. she is not educated, she is not well behaved, she is no academic. she has no clue about those things. however though, those strangers sitting next to me in the rainy outside space of the café. those strangers that witnessed all of the disappointing things i shared with my mother. witnessed me defending myself to her. witnessed me being broken, sitting alone and crying. a god damn young girl sitting in front of her laptop and book. those same strangers decided to be heartless and bothered and treat me like i was not a human being deserving understanding. my sould broke from that. i stood up went to the opposite side of the street and sat down on the ground of that square the café is facing. on the dirty ground. and since i could not make sense of it all and felt as lonely as perhaps never before i explained all of what had just happened to me to js. in a long voice message in which i sounded like the worst idiot sobbing. i sat there for about 20 minutes. i could not stop crying.

at some point i went inside the café, into the bathroom to sort myself. it didn't really work out that well, just temporarily. i grabbed my things from the table beside those people who were now happily chatting with each other because i had gone. i ordered another coffee and sat down inside. the girl taking my order could sense i was broken. i could tell. i took my coffee and attemped to distract myself by reading the last 50 pages of the book. but there was no way. i kept crying, tears uncontrollably rolling down my face making it incredibly hard to read. i sat there for one and a half hours like that. i did not once stop crying. eventually i finished the book. it gave me something. all kinds of thoughts in my head. and the thought that in the end gave me somewhat of hope and strength was what will always be there are books to read and ways to educate myself. and even if my mother does not believe in my career and strangers treat me like a piece of shit i will still follow the path that i chose for myself. and with that in mind and the thought of being able to buy the next book to read once i finish the current one - i made it. i left the café and directly went to the book store. the big one. i carefully looked at all the books available on sociology and politics. i decided for a collection of essays by a professor of poltiical science about migration and integration. she herself has migrated to this country and i had recently read a paper by her. it was also a recent publication so i was very happy. i picked myself up, took my bike and headed home to redo my make-up and eat something in order to be able to show up at work at 7pm.

when i had arrived at 6, j. was in the piano room having his weekly digital meditation session with b. what perhaps i have not mentioned yet, or at least not often, is that j. actually is a a benedictinian oblate. in the same church actually that charles taylor is also part of. actually, j. had even met him before... however, that's the reason he meditetates very regularly and often together with other people. when b. was still living in this country - at this time j.'s health was better as well - every friday we would gather at the same chapel to meditate together. it was amazing... ok but me still being very weak i was happy j. was busy and was also in somewhat of a hurry. i ate and got ready. whene i was ready, j. and b. had just finished meditating and j. called me into the piano room to say hi to b. what j. did in fact not know that time was firstly how horrible i was feeling and secondly that b. and me had not talked in a week, because we had a fight last weekend. it started in the most silly and unimportant way but in my opinion b. went too far and treated me just so condescendingly, patronisngly and arrogantly that i decided it was enough. i had told him that if he writes me a good and genuine mail acknowledging his mistakes and bad treatment i would unblock him and would only then be willing to continue our friendship. up until this moment that j. had called me into the room b. had actually not done so... but of course i did not let him know. what i did let both of them know in this moment was how bad my day had been and what had happende to me. i did so, because j. specifically asked about my day. and i shared those things in a very brief manner. i only did it, because i knew both those men would be able to relate and understand my situation. because both those men had been foreigners in this country and had suffered a lot from the ways my country-men treat each other and especially foreigners... being heartless and not giving a shit about each other certainly is a quality that is commonly known to be a thing of my country-men... but yeah, sharing this story i again began to cry. but i was in a rush. and i had just redone my make-up. so i concluded: "perhaps i actually have to feel pity for them not being able to be kind, or perhaps happy that seemingly those people have never had life being gruesome to them, perhaps i should also be happy for my pain, because i will go sure to never become like those people". i was thinking out loud saying those words and actually - it was a great conclusion and lesson from that horrible experience.

could i at this point in time have expected my day to possibly even become worse??... probably not. but that's what happened:

so i went to the theatre. i was covering the shift that checks the tickets. it's the easiest and most chill thing to do ever. and it was also just two hours. the first hour of which i basically had nothing to do, because it is only about ten minutes before the play starts that we let people inside of the theatre hall. exactly this being my task. until then i chatted with the guy managing the bar (the one that is so nice and chill and who had said he missed me while i was in the us) and read my book. i was rather content. and also trying to avoid interaction with the girl covering the box office shift at all cost. she was one of the people who had complained about me to our boss. when i had come back from the us in the beginning of april that was the first thing that happened: my boss ordering to talk to me in person, sharing how several people had complained about me being "arrogant"!!!!!! that experience having extremly thrown me off and confused totally, i was now incredibly insecure about who exactly had had what reason to dislike me. because i could just not make sense of it. so my strategy was avoidance....

unfortunately though there is one moment where i have to interact with the box office shift. it is when i have closed the doors of the theatre hall, i have to report the exact time of when i have done so to her... that evening the guy managing the stage tech was a very inexperienced and to be honest stupid one. he kept activating the sound of the gong that indicates that people should go inside of the hall. normally the stage tech people do it twice of three times, but shortly before the play was supposed to start he just kept doing it because he was impatient and wanted me to close the door at all costs. it's just that we are strictly instructed to only close the doors at 8pm sharp. not earlier than that, even if everybody is already sitting on their seats. which in this case has been the case for 5 minutes already... me cringing by him activating the gong over and over again (because it just confuses people!) i dared to close the doors at 7:59 already. i went to the box office to report. but the girl didn't even let me talk, when i arrived, she said "honey, it was only 7:59"... me being not in the mood at all to be called "honey" having had the worst day in a damn long time i replied "well, maybe for once we are not as exact about things and you simply write down 8pm for now". i was just so annoyed that i was not possible to have one normal exchange with this girl. and the worst thing is that technically she was right. of course, i know that we are supposed to close at 8pm, i am not stupid. but damn, who gives a shit?! why even make it a big deal. and who do you think you are calling me fucking "honey"?!

being angry, and very insecure about whether for that she would again complain to my boss about me i wanted to be the first to complain and reported the interaction to my boss. i wrote him a long text about what happened, why i did what i did, how i felt treated condescendingly by that girl and how i myself think it's childish of me to report to him, but how i also feel treated unfairly. i just did not want to again be in a situation where i would be unprepared and defenseless. where i would just have to accept being called arrogant or perhaps misbehaving! i was not god damn misbehaving! that girl made a big deal out of something that should not even be a big deal. and the way she approached me is not how i want to be talked to. i was just so incredibly annoyed by this unnessary interaction. again: the brainless urge of my countrymen to stick to the rules. brainless for fucks sake! anyway though, i distracted myself reading and chatting with the bar guy. he always lifts me up.

after my shift was done at around 9.30 i for once not escaped the theatre by riding my bike, but by only pushing it, because i reported what had happened to js. me being slow and only walking the bar guy on his way to his other restaurant that is in walking distance to the theatre caught up on me. and we walked together for some time. us now finally being outside the theatre i was free to tell him about this bad dynamic between me and the girl. and how i had been scolded about misbehaving for being "arrogant" to my coworkers. he was completely shook. he said "arrogant?? you are the oposite" and i was like "yes!!! that's what i thought". i opened my heart to him saying how i think those people working with me have apparently never worked a real job before, because our job is just the easiest thing to do and how it was a miracle to me how they, despite that, still keep complaining about our working conditions! like, we basically get paid to sit there and chit chat with people. and the bar guy agreed. he said "yes!!! i always wonder how you guys complain, there is nothing that you ever do". and he is just right.

well, that somewhat made my day good again. i rode my bike home through the night my spotify favourites playlist on shuffle. and what song starts playing? "that's life" by frank sinatra. i had not reminded liking that song on spotify, nor had i remembered ever paying attention to the lyrics. but i sure did at that point. it was ironic and absurd how well this song summarised the hell of a day i had had. i was severly broken and disappointed. but i still was happy. i started crying tears of gratefulness. for being able to cycle home to j. and to continue with my life.

when i got home i put a pizza in the oven and sat down in the kitchen waiting for it. soon j. got home. he was in a good mood. he was just having dinner with his wife. he sat down by the kitchen table. i brought him a beer. in this moment i realised there was one open question about the situation i had shared with him in the afternoon: he had wondered what the fight with my mother had been about in first place. and so i told him, how i simply intended to share with my mother how happy i am nowadays. i said "i think i have not been as happy in years actually". and that just made him so happy. it was a very wholesome admission of mine. j. thought i was exaggerating. but i really was not... it was the best and most uplifting way to end this horrible day.

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some conclusionary thoughts:

those two days served as a big and important lesson to me. it showed me what people i can rely on, what people lift me up, how i can lift myself up and how the most important thing will always be to be kind, understanding and human. and the most interesting thing had just happened around half an hour ago when i was sitting exactly where i am sitting right now: in my café on a sofa writing all of this down. the book i had bought laying in next to my laptop. the guy who had sat next to me on the other sofa before leaving the café approaching me to ask about the book. i was annoyed somewhat, because i supposed he wanted to flirt or whatever. he wanted to know private information, like where i was from what i am studying etc. perhaps just doing small talk. perhaps i was just too fucking paranoid. but i stayed friendly and nice. i answered the questions very vaguely and when he wanted to know about the book i said it is about how people get treated unfairly in this country he wanted to know "well... what is the solution?" i said "hm.. good question." i really did not want to give a pretentious politically loaded statement, so i simply said "i guess, to be friendly and kind". to which he replied "yes, to be human in fact". and that was the end of our interaction.

i really don't want to be the kind of person to believe in "signs" but that was as much of a sign as it could have possibly be, even if "signs" did not exist. to illustrate how unlikely this whole interaction was to happen, i want to emphasise that here in this country people normally do not approach other people like that. you mind your own business really. it has never happened to me before in this café. and i go here almost every single day.

another thing i want to mention before i wrap this up:

i am the opinion that women should stick together. women as well as poor students. i do not want to have a dispute with my coworker. we could possibly even be friends. we study the same course, both of us passionate about social justice, politics, literature and law. i have attempted several efforts to be friendly to her ever since i work at the theatre but it has always failed. i think it is envy that makes her act those ways. envy because people like me in the theatre. and i mostly mean our guests and, well, then there's also the actors themselves and the director. literally just yesterday when letting people inside of the theatre hall one of the actors who is not involved in this particular play decided to go watch it. so he was in the foyer in the break with all the other guests. when i ended the break and let people in again, he approached me saying "look, i really have to tell you how you are just such a beautiful human". i got very happy... and then there is also the fact that i had this short term relationship with a. that that girl apparently also got to know about... and it's not that i am so uniquely beautiful, i think i am really average looking. in this town here there are so many so incredibly pretty girls, i am really nothing special. like, seriously! but apparently i have something about me that people like. perhaps it's charme. whatever! i can definitely tell that some women treat me weirdly for no reason at all. and i feel it's such a shame. in fact, i have no girl-friends (but my bsf who lives in oslo) (i mean i actually don't really have any friends other than js. and b. lol), but i would die to have girl-friends.

or i would die just to be treated with casual kindness. like a damn human being. feeling that well as a white, able bodied, normal and well dressed young woman i do not even want to imagine what i would be treated as an obvious foreigner, homeless, disabled, or just somewhat slightly "not normal" person. all i should really learn from my latest experiences and the books i have been reading on polarisation, migration and integration recently all lead to this one simply lesson: "be kind. be human!".

i am grateful for those experiences.

back in town

since Tuesday i am back in this incredible town in which everything seems to have just stayed the same. since yesterday back living with j., the old english gentleman.

the past days it has been raining, ever since i am back i have been trying to get my life in control again. my sleeping pattern being the absolute weirdest (i woke up at 2am and slept at 8pm yesterday).

today though it has been the first sunny day of the week. i woke up around 7:30am. it's farmer's market, i am sitting in my favourite café, i bought lillies for just twelve euros, i have already taken care of j.'s cloths, made him breakfast, listened to him practicing one of favourite of bach's fugues, went shopping, cleaned, wrote job applications to several law offices and to one bar as a bartender and one jazz bar as a ticket control person.

yesterday my boss at the theatre wanted to meet me for a talk. I feared getting fired. though I could not think of a reason why... I did not get fired but unfortunately experienced somewhat of an intervention. he told me how several of my colleagues had complained about me. apparently they percieve me as arrogant and cold. L O L i could not believe my ears and was completly startled. I am the last person to be arrogant and cold. i am just so chill and nice. the only thing i am and i admit is that i am direct. and i absolutely hate passive agressiveness, fakeness and condescending treatment. and this is what i am pretty sure about: the people that must have complained about me are the ones that i had some disputes with since they have treated me condescendingly and i simply did not accept to be treated that way. they are in no superior position to me and have no more knowledge or skill. sure, i should not be disrespectful to anyone, but i was not. how is it my fault if those people have weak personalities and feel personally attacked when i treat them the way they treat me? i am a happy and carefree person in general and doing this job i absolutely refuse to work in a bad or passive agressive energy. if you have a problem, be direct and tell me. but don't belittle me or treat me condescendingly. especially not in front of the guests. funnily enough i am the person that our guests like the best. litterally every single time i work people give me compliments on how nice i am, how well i consulted them and how much they like coming here when i am there. and that is because i am actually passionate about working at this theatre. i am actually interested and i am not fake like all of my colleagues. i am not made for this fake-ass-corporate-talk-politically-correct society. i may sound like a karen saying that, but i really don't care. i am open, friendly, passionate and nice. and respectful for sure... what do i learn from this? i should be more careful with those people. i will reduce my interaction with them to the minimum. i will not interfere with them, i will not share anything private. they are fake and have low self esteem. luckily there are some cool people working at this theatre and with them i get along so well (my boss being one of them). especially with all the actors. unfortunately though, this month i will not really be able to work, because i did not know my availabilites early enough. but on sunday i will attend our most recent play: girls&boys by dennis kelly, a solo.

other than that, i am happy to be back in europe. life feels light-hearted and somewhat easy. people are on the streets, there are plenty cafés, bakeries and establishments. i feel alive and mobile. on tuesday i will look at a new bike that i might buy. js. and me are in touch every day and we are planning his visit prospectivly in may. i am so happy to have him. and i love how our communication is so well, how we are into each other to what seems to be the same extent. i am trying to find a little illegal job for him to do whilst his stay so he can learn my language a bit more and earn some money perhaps. but he'll be fine just discovering and travelling in case that would not work out. unfortunately though i will not have time to join him on trips much. i'll have so many things to do: uni, two or perhaps three jobs, my two organisations and soon a new sport: rowing!!! i have been on this waiting list to finally get a spot for lessons for three years now! and finally my time has come. i am SO looking forward.

regarding university i will take classes on international relations, comparative political science, migration in political theory, public international law and two very basic law classes: constitutional law and private law. i should have written those exams last year alraedy but was too anxious and always postponed them. but now, i cannot afford postponing them anymore. there are some other classes i take, but they are less interesting and just technical things. i am looking forward to this semester though, especially to the political science part of my studies. recently i had a great correspondence with one lecturer whose seminar i was hoping to take part in. unfortunately though i got assigned a different one and emailed him whether i could chance to his. he notified me about it actually having been cancelled due to his research project. i asked for the syllabus in order to inform myself at least and he made the effort to write a very long mail listing all the books and explaining his thinking behind choosing them. i told him how i would read all of it until he will offer the seminar the next time next year. and i am actually determined to do so. the funniest part of it: another reason i really wanted to take his course was because him and me had matched on bumble in december lol!!! on there i used my middle name to be somewhat anonymous (because this town is just so small) and was so surprised when he actually matched me back. the first thing he asked me was whether i study at the political science institute which i of course agreed to. we had quite the long chat about how of course we could not actually meet up and how he was sorry to have accepted the match, how he had just ended a longterm relationship and how he is lonely. i had adviced him to perhaps set his age range a bit higher in order to avoid such embarrassing incidents. i had told him how i would tell nobody and will just pretend this has never happened. dating students really is a no go and he'd surely be fired for that i guess. i had ensured him how if we ever met in person he would not recognise me. he wondered why, i told him how my name was slightly different and in the pictures i had used on bumble my face was not visible. i like him though and we definitely vibe. even funnier is that he actually is younger than b. who had been my boyfriend for almost two years and who has a much better academic position than him. that guy could not even imagine qualifying for positons at yale and harvard lol. do i sound arrogant? YES lol, but that's just the truth. b. is a very special person. very smart, knowledgable but in the end also very much of a "silly goofy girl" like i am, hence we get along so well. b. and me are in good contact as well. though he has blocked me on his work phone, we talk every night and sometimes in the early morning when i am awake alraedy and he still is awake.

so yeah, exciting times lie ahead as always. the most important thing for me (and the most challenging quest with that) will be to be disciplined and to stay persistent. i am passionate and hard working for sure. i just have to prove how i can be so persistently. for now, i will continue getting my life back on track by giving y. back his suitcase, updating him on the most recent events, perhaps finally texting a. and excusing to him, getting in touch with some other people i have ignored for too long and establishing contacts to several psychologists in order to one day get a place for therapy.

am i not the most romantic artsy bitch having created myself a new lock screen from js.' father's art, making it match my vibes?!

girls&boys

on sunday i spontanously got to work a bit. i wanted to go see our newest play anyways, so it was great that i could take a colleague's shift who was sick.

so i checked the tickets for one and a half hours, light the candles and counted the people. my colleague who manages the bar area of the theatre said he missed me a lot, he is from bangladesh and he's chill and fun. he always makes me coffee and jokes around. i had missed the theatre. it's very unique indeed. we play so many plays with relativly few actors in our ensemeble. each play is incredibly thought provoking and sophisticated. this play, boys&girls, just premiered last week to an exclusive audience. so on sunday it was the first regular show. my colleague ka., a dramaturge, shortly introduced into the play beforehand. and then i sat next to my colleague pa., one of the stage tech guys, to watch the play that was set on the small foyer's stage. he had prepared himself by reading the book. which surprised me. many of the stage tech people are very simple people, somewhat bogans (that sounds condescending, but they are just not the kind of people to read a book for fun, you know?)... the actress did her job so well. i love her facial expressions, so natural, so real. the play was directed by that woman who is the very known affair of the current theatre director. apparently through her very intimate involvements in the theatre life she keeps climbing the career ladder in that theatre. she started as a simple press officer and within two years managed to become an actress and director herself. i look down on her though. she is very fake. she is married herself and the theatre director himself is married as well, to the woman who will be the new director from summer on. what they have is pathetic and disgusting. she'd have potential on being somewaht of a role model if she got her positions through honest work, but not like that! though i must admit she directed this play very well. the scenery was very minimalist, i liked the choice of and use of music very much as well. the play is about toxic masculinity i'd say. about how even somebody who seemed perfect for the longest time can develop to be toxic and even: dangerous. the nameless woman's husband ends up killing both their children and later himself, because he could not bear the fact that his wife was more successfull than he himself.

in my own relationships men always ended up being violent and aggressive towards me. every single time, even somebody who i percieved the most calm and nicest guy ever. of course at some point one must seriously question oneselves. is it my fault? am i really as horrible as to make every man go insane and violent? that's at least what b. told me in one of our most recent fights. he said how when he first got to know me he "was on my side" when i told him about how my father abused me. but now he was "on his side" because he actually knew me and knew how i deserved this treatment. hearing those words out of b. mouth is the worst ever. and i am endlessly afraid that i could fuck up my relationship with js. like this as well. and to be honest, i am already somewhat afraid of js. he is calm, he is reserved, but i feel if he freaks out it would be worse than i ever experienced it with a man. he is the first guy i am with who is very physically strong. n. was tall as well, but he was rather weak and untrained - still i was weaker than him. b. is not tall and not trained - still he was stronger than me. my first boyfriend wasn't tall either, but very trained - he was very strong, literally abused and hit me, the sex being extremly violent and hardcore. to be honest most of the times he fucked me it was not consensual. and what does this mean? that he regularly raped me. now, js. seems a good man. he's very mature and understanding, very calm as i said. but he is very tall and trained. i feel if we ever get to the point that this violence awakes in him, i will be doomed. i am really intimidated by him. i know i should not, i should trust him and trust myself. but this play made me overthink...

i think it made all of us think. my colleague ended up sobbing next to me. the atmosphere in the foyer as extremly intimate. many people in a small room, the actress on a small stage close to us. the room dark, the candles i had light up flickering. the applause lasted 4 minutes and 27 seconds, we have to measure it. there were standing ovations. and it was very quiet for a long time. i myself did not cry. i don't know why. i cry easily. i was touched indeed. it hit home, literally lol. perhaps i have just grown resilient against this kind of family drama. it does not surprise me anymore, i perhaps am hardened. i don't know. i feel if i stayed with my family longer when i was 16 a big catastrophe would have happened. i mean, an even bigger one than our lives were at that time already. i am not in the mood to elaborate now, but perhaps it was good i left at lived with that boyfriend who raped me. perhaps it was still better than living with them.

yesterday i spent much time with j. in the afternoon we went shopping together, afterwards i prepared dinner, then some of his friends, a bangladeshi couple, came for a visit. i cut oranges for them and cleaned the mess in the kitchen. then j. and me had dinner. afterwards i went for a bike ride: 4 loops around the city. when i got back, i js. had sent me a message saying "he forgot to tell me something". i was prepared for the worst but he instructed me to check the dedication of j.'s edition of jonathan frantzen's corrections (i had spotted this book in j.'s shelve earlier and shared it with js.). turns out: frantzen dedicated the book to js.' uncle and aunt. this international bestseller was dedicated to my boyfriend's aunt&uncle. i have not read it yet, but i will make efforts to now. his family seems more and more interesting. still, i cannot believe my luck in finding js. and giving him many chances. i remember complaining on here how boring i thought he was, but how i was not ready to give up on the idea of him yet. how the first times we had sex were rather disappointing and in general he just did not share much of himself at all. but there was always something that made me want to stick with him. when i slept he sent me pictures of new haven he took when he went on the walk up the east rock. afterwards he sent me a bunch of pictures of sketches he did. he is a good artist himself. i love this guy, hopefully it's not just the idea of him. we spent about a month together, almost every day. throughout this time i understood him more, he kept surprising me with details on his and his family's life, with how understanding, attentive and calm he is. and ultimativly with how he loved me. he is a pure, honest and sensitive guy. seemingly everything i have ever wanted. every single quality seems to be fulfilled. sure, sooner or later we will disappoint each other for the first time. humans are not perect. though i am fearing a day i fuck things up. for now, we are planning his stay here in may. who knows where things will go. on our way from the cloisters to jfk he had talked about how expensive it is to study in europe as an international student. i more or less jokingly said how if he ever wanted the european passport he should just let me know and he instantly understood. i made this joke before with other people, but they did not.

on the weekend out of boredom i made this nectar love print test. my result is aieg, i asked js. to also do it, his result is ripg. if one decides to somewhat believe in that kind of test, it was not a big surprise at all. the js. and my results of the other tests they have are completely the same (relationship readiness 9, permissive boundaries, created family as family attachement, monogamous, growth as relationship believe, and hyposexual). in order to compare our results to a third party i made my best friend e. take the tests as well and her results are completly different. i pray that for once things work out. it feels to just be allright with him. it feels like we are very similar. perhaps too similar. our main difference: i am bubbly and he is not (a common pattern in male-female relationships i'd say). if there will ever be a big fight between us, i am afraid it will be the worst i have ever experienced in my life. and with my parents, i used to believe i have been through the worst. as bad as this sounds, i cannot wait for him to show his true face. i want to know what i am at. it sounds absurd but i cannot wait for him to hurt me. i prefer that to the uncertainty of just being intimidated by him and not knowing what he is capable of. he hasn't given me much reason to fear him actually, it would be very unfair to make it seem that way. though i can just sense that there is something underneath that surface. surely there is with all of us. so that per se is nothing bad particularly about him. time will tell.

back in uni

it was an eventful week. establishing my timetable, figuring out the new schedule, the first sessions of the new seminars i was able to change to. i did not put in much work yet and tried to take things slowly.

in the beginning of the week i had bought myself and j. lillies. my lilies have blossomed wonderfully, whereas the ones i had bought for j. simply died. i felt pity, so tomorrow i will buy new ones, hoping they will behave differently. being back in europe i am so incredibly happy and thankful that buying flowers is so affordable. for two rather big bouqets of flowers i only paid 12 euros. unbelievable.

i felt grateful to be alive, happy to be riding my bike in this wonderful weather, listening to philip glass on repeat. i had bought myself a new cardigan and new light pants, wearing those things together it basically looks like i am wearing a pyjama. luckily nowadays it's trendy and socially accpeted to wear such outfits, as long as you title it "scandi style" lol. i love it though. if it wasn't so rainy here, i'd wear nothing else than that.

i got very disappointed by that one professor whose class i had looked forward to a lot. it is always so interesting to me how different people are and how different they decide to teach. this seminar on migration in political theory with this seemingly lovely junior professor i had (and still have) big hopes for. as i recently very much got into the topic of citizenship, having been in touch with dimitry kochenov and reading his signed book still, i was so excited to talk abuot my experiences in america. unfortunately though, this woman decided that she wants to play the role of a rather authoritarian, unapproachable and oh so professional professor, that she did not at all care about people introducing themselves and their passions and after the seminar was very quick to rush outside. i did stop her on her way her though, thanking her for letting me take part in that seminar (i wasn't initially assigned for it) and briefly telling her about my encounter with that guy. just a few days ago he had actually messaged me again excusing how he was sorry for not having time to chat with me when he met me in front of law school two weeks ago. i did not expect to hear from him at all anymore. so grateful for his kindness and humility, i sent him a picture of his book in front of my town's main sight. he said how i was so "incredibly kind". how cute and nice of him. how different scholars can behave! if i one day get to be in the position of being a lecturer, i will go sure to be approachable and nice. i could tell that this woman somewhere in her heart has kindness. but she forced herself to be "a big girl" and play a role that was very obviously not authentic. she was rather behaving like a toxic and insecure man.

just last saturday i had a different weird interaction with a lecturer. this time, it was rather positively weird. so, i have had written before how i had matched with this guy who teaches politcial theory at my institute on bumble. he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship and his profile was very new. when we matched his first question was whether i study at his institute and whether we know each other. i said "yes" to the first question and "somehow" to the second. i had attended one (1) session of his seminar on arendt but realised it wouldn't fit my schedule well last semester, so i didn't proceed further... well, we had an exchance on how embarrassed he was and how naturally we could not proceed further with this either. i had told him how he should set his age range higher if he wants to avoid such things in future. he said how he'll definitely do that, and only didn't do it since his profile was just so new. i kind of believe that to be true. and also he seems just to be really really clumsy and lost. on bumble i had used my middle name only and pictures without my face so i told him how he would probably not recognise me in future so he can be sure there won't be akwardness... ok, so far so good.

janurary i basically spent all my time at the theatre and at a's (the actor) place. february&march i lived in america and now... literally back not even two weeks i had encoutered him about 4 times already. once when i left after my early morning lecture, we had weird eye contact but nothing else. another time when i was riding my bike home from the institute, he was with all the young lectureres, probably on his way to grab some beer or smth, again, out of all the people in this group of people it was us who had weird eye contact and now on saturday...:

on my way to my rowing class (something i started last friday and will continue writing about later) i was riding my bike from j.'s place to the harbour and whom do i spot walking on the side walk in the opposite direction talking to himself making weird counting gestures?! yes, that exact guy. he looked so silly doing that - he was most likely thinking about things he would have to buy in the supermarket where he was probably heading to - and i let out a laughter. he realised that, turned around and i realised that as well, had to laugh even more and ended up having to physically hold my laughter. i was caught off guard completely and with that finally exposed myself. he knew me now. and how can i be so sure?! well, he sent me a damn email about that a few hours later saying "sorry, normally i don't look that much like a fool - i was talking to myself"... we had sent some emails back and forth about his seminar he was supposed to hold this semester that i wanted to join (actually out of pure and genuine interest). and he used that opportunity to get back to me. how inappropriate actually. i could not believe my eyes when i saw that. i was a bit weirded out... but on the other hand it was also my teacher-student romance dreams i have had all through highschool coming true. now in university i quickly realised though how bad of a situation that actually is to be in. especially if you are actually interested in that person's research and field of expertise... i did not get back to him on the weekend anymore, only today morning i sent a text saying "to be able to attend your future seminars, i would like to make clear that i was actually only interested in joining the seminar. sorry for laughing though, you caught me off guard". to which he replied: "i was caught off guard myself. i kind of regret sending you that mail. i understand and it's allright, you'll be welcome in joining my seminars when i hold some again". he's chill and i am very happy about it. he knows it's so inappropriate and he knows i know it myself. even more now that i have a boyfriend who is so into me, whom i am into so much myself. though i am certain i will encounter that lecturer again throughout the next weeks. to be honest, i love to have some flirts like that around, it's just a fun game. and we are responsible adults. i know it's kinda unfair towards js... i don't know whether i should feel bad. since sooner or later there will be updates on that guy, i will give him a name: t.

so now more about rowing: i had taken part in a rowing course when i was like 14 already. it was just a few days, but i did very well. so well, that very soon i was put in a racing boat. unfortuantely back then i was not socially confident enough, i was always feared to be around people my age, especially in a context of "clubs". i did not like engaging with people my age who had more experience and were rather condescending, because, well we were just kids. and i was always afraid of kids' behaviour. i never enjoyed team sports... the wish of wanting to row stuck with me though. since i moved to this town three years ago i had waited on a waiting list to start rowing here. i have not actually expected hearing back from them ever. but when i was in america it happened. and it was fairly cheap even. last weekend was the introductionary weekend where we met every day with a group of about twenty people (twenty lucky people out of two hundred applicants!). the weekend went nice, though i was a bit bored having to deal with absolute beginners. i tried not making that obvious though. also, the group of people i started with is not my age at all. i had applied for the 25+ group, being much younger than even that. most people that start with me are around 35-40, which is kinda fun and makes things more chill for me really. from now on i will have weekly lessons and hope that my talent will be able to unfold and get recognised by them as well. i am very convinced and determined to have talent btw. and the best thing: they very recently moved into a new club house and it's basically located next to the theatre i work at. on friday evening i actually first went to rowing class and right afterwards to a dérniere of a play (which turned out to be really shitty - actually the worst play i have ever seen - but that's a different story). so yeah, i am so happy with this sport right now. my whole body hurt, but i like pain in general, i like feeling myself, it reminds me that i am alive.

what also happened on the weekend: i had a test shift at a bar close to the harbour. right on the day i went rowing for four hours. i only worked for three hours in the evening though. it was a lovely evening, good weather, happy people, a crowded bar. i did very well. the team was somewhat stressed out and all of them kind of behaved passive aggressivly, but maybe that's just their character. two guests told me how sweet i was and in the end the boss and their best employee told me how i had a quick perception, how i learn quickly and how they'd be happy to have me in their team. actually, whilst working i was kind of not wanting to work there. because i sensed that things are not really alright with the staff. the atmosphere just seemed off. but to be honest as i said already, that might also just be their personalities. when i was working in the bakery my colleagues were extremly dull as well - something that i always fear to become. i though managed to stay nice and funny in the bakery. this job will definitely be more draining than the bakery work, but i will get more tips. working in the bakery i had had to wake up at 4am, now working there i will have to work until 4am. funny how life is huh. in the bakery the highest tip i ever recieved were 2 euros, normal was 2 cents, lol. there, so i was told, i could sometimes make even 200 euros if i was working alone. well, of course they say such things in order to make me want to work there, right? however, i will be happy to have a job. happy to be able to interact with nice and cool guests. happy to learn how to make drinks, a very important life skill i guess. so far, i have absolutely no clue about alcohol. js. gave me courage about starting this job saying if there is a time in life to work in a bar, it's your early twenties. and i think he's right. it's just something one should have done, isn't it. it'll teach me a lot i am sure...

on another note, i managed to sublet my dorm room until may to a nice girl whom i actually seem to become friends with. she's a phd student and researches on migration. she expressed her great gratefulness for the things i already helped her with. since i travelled so much and lived in a few places now myself i know how messy it is to move and to orientate. so i really want to be that kind of person, a native and local, one can rely on with any "stupid" questions or problems. i am so happy i can help her and in the end i am also happy that i recieve money from her until may...

js. booked his flight today. he will arrive mid may. we are very happy. i am proud to be the one hosting him, showing him this lovely town in europe. it will literally be a deflowering experience for him: his first time in europe. and he'll always connect it to me. i really hope i don't fuck this up. but so far, things have been going just so well with him, i should not be scared.

today i did not do many productive things. i did buy my very first own matcha powder in the asian store, in order to save money and consume less coffee. i finally got to write those things down and in the evening went to this evening circling lecture, where i met j.'s wife and her friend, who share the same name - they are women in their seventies so it's kinda fun that those people are my main social contacts nowadays. it was a great lecture by my favourite law professor on constitutional law and the role of constitutional courts in our society. he's so charismatic and funny, it was pure delight. the hall was crowded and i decided to sit in the very front left. the space all the other law professors decided to sit as well, they ended up sitting behind me. very close to me was somebody i somehow developed a weird crush on now. he was one of the two professors b. had defended his phd to. b. just calls him "the walking dead" because he is so expressionless, he is very tall and boney. i somehow never really liked him though i so far did not attend any of his lectures... but now it turned out i have a seminar with him. last week at the first session of this seminar that is held by one law and one politics professor he already looked at me weirdly imo. i think he recognises me from seeing me with b. a lot on campus. i used to be somewhat of his attachement, we really were always together. and now today: he sits diagonally behind me and i realised he looked at me form time to time, he also looked at my laptop. i don't know why i never liked him. he actually seems like a charming man. very reserved, very nerdy. but genuine. his smile is too sweet. and why the heck do i keep having crushes on professors and lecturers?! fuck me man.

in general, i just adore professors (no matter the gender) a lot. i have so much respect for them. i think they are the people with the profession i respect most in this world. it has always been the ideal for me. i hope that life leads me a path where i will become somewhat like that myself. i know though, for that i will have to work hard, be humble and do not let anybody destroy my passions. i should not give up and trust myself. i remind myself this every day.

in general, it currently feels i am on a good track. i have two and two halves of a job now, chose interesting seminars and lectures, manage to go to bed early and wake up early, make home cooked meals, consume less in general, am nice to people, am nice to my friends, read books, keep up with the news, do a new sport regularly and in general just live an active and genuine life full of new energy the spring gives me. if it wasn't for current political conflicts and the way they affect my friends and therefore me, i would almost dare to say things are perfect. i try though to be living the moment and me so grateful for how things are right now. how well j. is doing, how nice my lillies smell, how much i like my bike, reading and the fact that b. got this fellowship and js. comes to visit me. things are good. if i manage to fulfil my roles and stick to this lifestyle, i will lead a satisfactory life. i just should not lose hope and confidence, even when things may not go right...

however, this week will be interesting. j.'s son and a friend of his will be visiting: one from barcelona the other from london. meaning i will live together with three older men. one very old man, two 50 something year olds. j. is so incredibly social and active. it will be a challange for me to deal with all those people and still focus on my every day life's to dos. let's see how it goes...