Lana Del Rey; Cinnamon Girl

— Lana Del Rey; Cinnamon Girl

beauty. the bit of dirt on my window seal. the leaves on the ground and the wind that blows them about. the random beads scattered on my floor. the plushness of my blanket against my skin. my eyes as I look at the world around me, taking in every detail.

the sun that everyone claims they cannot see into it. they only look at it when it arrives and leaves, but they forget its beauty throughout. as if its brightness is too much to bear, so its warmth is what we take in and appreciate. strange.

beauty is appreciated when it is convenient.

My soul is intertwined with yours, A dance of light and shadow, Threads of fate bound tightly, Yet we keep searching, Yearning for the right universe, Where we meet the perfect versions of each other.

In every glance, a hint of recognition, In every touch, a spark of something more, But still, a restless quest remains, To find the world where we fit, Where our pieces align seamlessly, And our spirits can finally rest.

Across the stars, through endless possibilities, Our souls wander, ever seeking, The place where our love is complete, And we become what we are meant to be, Two hearts, perfectly matched, In a universe made just for us.

Could you love me while I hate myself?

-Zeph

.

My stomach twisted and turned. It felt like my gut was trying to escape my own body—the relentless force of dread and misery. I never wanted it to be this way. I ask myself what went wrong. I blame my childish remarks and naive personality. I blame my need to feel loved. My endless need to need attention on me. To feel like I am needed and wanted. Whether it was real or not. Through desperate texts and made-up fantasies. Am I making you feel sick? Am I too much for you? 

My needs deceived you for love. I love you. I loved you. I loved the idea of love. I loved the light you shone on me. I loved feeling like I was worth something to someone. As much as it is wrong, I loved it. I didn't know. As gullible as I am, I didn't know. Did you? Did you fall for it? Did you know and said nothing? Did nothing? Did nothing as I fed you lies that I thought were truths? Did you ever doubt me? Doubt us?

If so, why? Why do you deny it? Why did you do nothing? Why do you pretend like it was nothing? Did I not hurt you? Why do you fear the truth? You stray away from the truth, why?

Or was it all false on your side as well? Was it a facade? Why do you hide? It seems like you hide behind a facade to reassure yourself that your relationship is what you need. I need help understanding. My delusional thoughts and empathetic mind may be wrong. Maybe I am the wrong one. Maybe I am the murderer. The bad guy. The instigator. If so, tell me. I want to understand you. I want to know how you feel. Yell at me. Curse at me. Tell me that I was wrong. Tell me how much you hate me for what I've done and said. Tell me how you've missed and loved me.

We were young and dumb. So young. Maybe you regret loving me the way you did. Maybe you hated the way you were towards me. It makes you sick inside. It makes you sick knowing I couldn’t return the same love you gave me. You knew. But you pushed on. Why?

Knowing me, I’m probably diving too deep into this. I can't help it. You know me. I overthink everything. I care too much so I think too much. I overcomplicate it because I hate the thought of being misunderstood or the inability to understand. You know that, right? 

You were young. You didn’t know either. But how do you feel now? How do you feel about our past? Do you think it was dumb? Do you try to forget it and move on? Do you lie at night thinking about it? Do you replay our conversations and the endless warmth when we hugged? Do you miss me? Do you wish it would've played out differently? Do you wish we were still friends?

I’m sorry. I am sorry for whatever I've done wrong or could've done better.