Mind-of-kat - Musing Over Coffee - Tumblr Blog

i do unironically think the best artists of our generation are posting to get 20 notes and 3 reblogs btw. that fanfic with like 45 kudos is some of the best stuff ever written. those OCs you carry around have some of the richest backstories and worldbuilding someone has ever seen. please do not think that reaching only a few people when you post means your art isn't worth celebrating.

It feels like every day I’m getting closer and closer to translating the pieces of my brain into a fully formed picture. I want you to see it. I want you all to see it.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, lost and found, 2024

William Vanderson. Platform at Blackfriars Southern Railway station covered in thick white frost. London. 1946

She felt overwhelmed at that moment. The overflowing love and warmth in her body coated her being in a sense of joy and happiness. It was as if the moment he pulled her back to his body, she knew he would never let her go. He pulled her back and kissed her, deeply. A kiss that conveyed more than words could in that moment.

It was odd, she always felt that words could say more than most other things. Words could bring reality to the pain she felt, to the hurt she endured. But this was different, this feeling was unlike any she had ever experienced with anyone ever. It was new, frighteningly safe, and overwhelmingly warm; a comfort in a person she had never known until now. A safe space in someone she had felt long ago was familiar, and never really got to know until about two and a half years ago.

The love and endearment she felt towards this person, it was amazingly clear, sound. She understood this person as well as she understood the back of her hand; and she stared deeply in his eyes every morning and evening. To love another soul so deeply was risky and vulnerable. But that’s the thing right? When you fall, there’s no coming back. You only have down to go, and once you are at the bottom, you are either alone and wondering how to move forward in the darkness; or cushioned by a soft embrace, one that is never to be experienced again in this life or another.

“To the one who takes my soul, forever yours”, by Kat E🫥

“Latina”, 2018 by Norman Engel

“Eternal Ties” - original art by Kat E 🫥

“Monster’s Web” - original art by Kat E 🫥

Last night I had a revelation. I saw it all, the way I am, the reason for my existence. I am the link, between the universe in which we are and the future that we could be. I see everything; the beginnings, the ends, the space where nothing exists and the future that lies ahead. I see the possibilities, both good and bad, the reason for everything and anything. I am the connection between these two ethers of reality.

My struggle lies in the inability to translate what I know into an idea that people can see and understand. I know I am a link between these planes of existence and the branches that connect these worlds, but I can’t even begin to fathom how I can utilize this tool I’ve been given.

Where should I put my energy? Is it art, music, writing, a creative outlet? Is it science, math, physics, the study of the world around? Should I help people, use my empathy for the good of the world? How do I know where to put my strength to allow the world to see the things I see?

-Excerpts From My Stupid Brain, Revelation in E minor, 2024

The idea of juxtaposition, that is what makes me curious and want to be alive. The idea of life and death, opposing things always in a balance. The yin and yang of existence. All things in life have another side to the coin, each apart of the other. It’s beautiful, and haunting, and lovely, and sad, and mad and crazy. Everything in life is amazing if you experience it the way it’s meant to be lived.

But that’s also so scary. To always be taking a risk in being alive, for your abundant joy could easily crack and make room for maddening unhappiness.

The balance of these things; these emotions are the tricky part of it all. And when your brain is so in tuned with the emotions of others, how can you possibly navigate your own head.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, Quips & Musings, 2024

God doesn’t exist. Because, if he did, he wouldn’t let us live in this unfortunate existence that we live in.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, what God(s)?, 2024

"is this too cliche?" who cares? bro, write what you have fun writing. stuff your manuscript full of your favourite tropes. the same themes you love. all inspired by things you grew up with. do it all. go off. load. it. up. be freeeee

Feeling existential dread lately but trying to remember my soul lives forever in my love for others. I am a water source in a wasteland, life in death.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, Decomposed, 2024

Learned this the hardest way possible in the past two years. It’s okay to let go of people who don’t support your growth.

“Accept the fact that you will grow apart from people you’ve had significant relationships with. Understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. Let them go. Don’t hinder your growth.”

— Lyjeeria

That moment when the unrelated scenes you've been writing for two weeks both somehow connect (i have no idea how this happened)

“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”

— Ernest Hemingway

“It’s like you put all the world’s pain in a bottle, except that bottle? That’s a person.”

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, Weighted Brain, Crazy Brain, 2024

“At my core, I think there is something wrong with me. And I think that’s where my depression stems from. It’s like being in a world full of strangers; surrounded by eight billion others and still feeling alone.”

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, Alone, 2024

the artist's job is to communicate the noncommunicable

one of my teachers told me that but i had forgotten. like anything i've forgotten only to find again somewhere unexpected, it made me think. mostly about how perfectionism affects how i make art and. something clicked for the first time.?

there's no perfection. i cannot and will not reach perfection, my work will never be perfect and so i'm asking myself like. what's the point right? what's the point

but- hear me out for a minute okay- what if the point is to make it anyway? to look at perfection, to know it is impossible to achieve and to make it anyway? to attempt to communicate something that happened only once and will never happen again?

that's the point, i think. to try. that's the point.

Dreamt that I could talk to ghosts.

Someone came to me in my dream and was speaking to me about myself. I didn’t recognize the voice. She then said “I’m your Grandma” and I immediately somehow knew it was my mom’s mom; she had bipolar type I. Also, my Grandma on my mom’s side was always “Nana”. She explained how I was strong and lovable, that my significant other is a good person, and that my mom spread generational trauma.

My Nana apologize to me, she said it was her fault in some ways. My Nana then explain that I needed to cut ties for my sake.

My Nana explained that I would break the trauma, but to do so I must extricate myself from my family. She apologized again, and told me for my future, for my happiness, it would need to be done.

My Nana left, and told me she loved me, and that she wanted to watch me grow up. She had died when I was very young.

Before she left and I woke up, she said, “I wanted to see you change the world”.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, you’ll change the world, 2024

The Beatles make great music. The sound? Fantastic! Rhythm, instrumentation, quality of recording are all spectacular. But listen, don’t you hear? Those men were sad, melancholy, and totally stoned.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain #27, The Beatles were Stoney-baloney, 2024

Sometimes I used to think about the person I was going to marry. That was before. That was before I met him.

Before I met him, I used to think it was an idea. This idea that there’s a person out there who will shake you so you’ll want to spend forever with them. Forever is a really long time with one other person (significant other that is), and I remember I always thought, I may meet them someday.

And I did think I met them at one point. But that was different because I just thought, “yeah, I could be with you for a while”, but it wasn’t until I met him that I realized. It exists.

And the weird thing is, I knew when I met him. But I didn’t really know because it was complicated, and I didn’t get to be with him for a while. But when we were together finally, it came so quickly, how much I knew. It’s like, this idea of what love should look like, isn’t an idea. It’s the soul of another person.

I knew, when I met him, forever would never be long enough. And that’s a really insane thing to know about yourself, and another person.

-Excerpts from my stupid brain, #2, Him, 2024

“You have to look inwards.” she said.

It clicked for him then. All the hate you feel inside your heart, within yourself. It’s the same as spreading hate, being unkind, rude. You can’t treat people like that. He gradually understood. You can’t treat yourself like that.

“Thank you,” he finally spoke. As the knowing swept through his body, penetrating his mind.

“Jamie?” Catja whispered carefully, “You must remember immer, I love you and you have a beautiful heart. But your heart wanders sometimes.”

And Jamie knew, his heart was easily influenced. And when he saw his friend sneer at that woman. He thought it funny in that moment. But Catja his older sister, she loved him in spite of what he considered his shortcomings.

“And Jamie, you think they are imperfections, they are not. You just need to use those feelings in a different direction.”

-Excerpts from my stupid brain #14, Reflect urged Catja, 2024