61 -

61 -

I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

Slow down, it's ok. Very few things in life are absolute

Deadlines can be flexible, career paths are flexible, relationships become close and far and close again, it's all going to be ok

Andrea Gibson, Lord of the Butterflies

Source: Nayyirah Waheed

@nayyirahwaheed

57 -

Well. It’s me. And it’s time to come clean. Or get clean.

I write this at 3am (still drunk) sitting in a hotel because I was too drunk to drive so I fell asleep in my car for 6 hours. At the mall.

So I guess let’s sit here and face some hard truths.

I thought I was better than everyone else. I thought if I fixed everything underneath, then alcohol wouldn’t be a problem. I thought then, I could control it. I thought I could find the easy way through and be this person that’s like “wow I really struggled and rags to riches and all that”. I thought if I could have one or two instances where I drank and was fine - POOF! It’s proof I’m cured!!

Haha god I am so annoying sometimes.

OMG SURPRISE! Alcoholism isn’t a quick fix. You can’t take a bunch of magic mushrooms and fix it. You can’t get on the proper meds for your mental issues and fix it. You can’t upheave literally your entire life to run from the problem and fix it. You can’t tell yourself “this is where I am and I give myself grace” and fix it. You can’t “only drink a little” and “pace yourself” and fix it.

My husband (who I love more than breathing) can tell me that my drinking is hurting him and I can’t (won’t) fix it.

EVEN if my life gets good and I no longer want to “escape” it per se.

I can’t fix it.

Blame my hyper independence but I realize now that I thought I could fix any problem. Ever. I can find an easy solution to keep coasting. Like I legit pride myself on working the system.

But this also stems from my desire to break free of normalcy and the confines of society and being a sheeple and needing to be a “certain” way to achieve “success”. In case it isn’t obvious, I could go on and on about this.

Side bar: if you’re reading this and feeling shitty about where you’re at in life, like you’re not successful enough - let me leave you with this: who decided that success looked like? Who defined it for you? I guarantee it wasn’t you. What if you were to decide the definition of success and being a good person? What would that look like?

So yeah. I am fully going off the deep end. Luckily this go around I haven’t ended up in the hospital or injured myself or someone else - but something needs to give.

I don’t understand why I can’t give up the alcohol? IT’S LITERALLY EVERYWHERE. Ads, TV shows, grocery store displays, billboards.

It’s only once you have a drinking problem that you really notice how ingrained alcohol is in our culture. Or maybe you’re a smart one who realized it ahead of time - god fuck you, I am jealous of you.

I don’t know how to stop. I’m in tears thinking this is going to kill me. I don’t want to stop because I don’t have another or better option.

Ok like I know what’s smart, I know what’s best. Just stop drinking right? Obviously you know what it’s doing to your life and the people around you. You’re smart - stop.

I don’t want to. I want to be a normal person who can drink and get lit from time to time and not have it be a big deal. Not have it turn into a 6 month bender. I need to let this expectation go but I don’t know how because I feel like if I admit it… people look at you differently, they hold you to a different standard, they watch you.

I swear this happens but tell me if I’m actually just paranoid.

ITS NOT THAT GOD DAMB EASY OKAY IM SO SORRY FOR BEING THE HURRICANE RIGHT NOW

So yeah. In my underwear. Drunk. An hour from home. At a hotel. Not sure what to do. Not sure how to explain this one. I found a nearby meeting at 7am, let’s see if I even wake up lol.

Honestly? I give up. I don’t know best. I don’t know anything!!! Now what do I do?

Each day - we keep going. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

- Vex King