61 -

61 -

I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

54 -

In a weird place lately, but a good one. It just feels uncomfortable - kind of like getting a new pair of shoes and waiting for them to fully break in. Or wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t quite fit.

I’m doing really well lately. Ok, honestly I feel like “doing well” has a lot of room for interpretation. But as far as my mind and heart go - I’m doing just fine.

Because I don’t hate myself anymore. And this is everything.

So I’m not exactly where I want to be yet. So what? I am enjoying where I am at.

So people (in my life or not even in my life) don’t exactly approve or understand my life choices. All good - it’s my life, not theirs

I took 5+ grams of shrooms and found myself. Okay that sounds absolutely bonkers when I re-read that but it’s true.

I’ve had some alcohol since that time and I feel completely different drinking. Like I didn’t want to create chaos or hurt the people I love - HELLO WIN! Also, I don’t actually like the way alcohol makes me feel anymore but I acknowledge and recognize when I drink, I am indulging the old me.

Beyond that, I’ve just felt so settled. Whatever happens, I trust in my ability to find a way through. I am the woman in the arena, I am a survivor and I am resilient.

Some of the thought patterns that used to plague me, don’t as much anymore. It’s strange.

I turned 30 and decided now or never.

I think it also goes without saying - but living a life that you enjoy, that brings you peace and security…..wow it changes the game. I try so hard to have sympathy/empathy for those who feel stuck or unhappy.

But if you’re not going to do anything about it, I can’t fucking help you. Because even when shit has been as bad as it has, maybe I wallow sure - BUT I FIND A WAY THROUGH.

What’s crazy to me is this overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I feel present in my body.

Okay so still struggling with weed (because like who isn’t, when alcohol is so 1990) but lately I’ll put the damn bong down and eat a meal or take a nap/rest.

A year ago…..I would have died with the bong in my hand.

I haven’t felt as called to write. My thoughts have felt really jumbled and I’ve been really content to just “be” without needing to overanalyze it all.

Ok I always say that I need to get over this concept of “one day everything is going to magically be better”.

But………….everything has become magically better.

I scrolled back to my original posts first out of the hospital and I don’t recognize that woman. I want to hug her and tell her I’m proud of her. That so many people don’t have the courage to look their truth in the face and accept it, but she did. And she continues to.

I want her to know that I believe in her with all my heart. She can do this. She will do this. She will break the cycle and she will achieve the recurring dream of sitting on her deck in the backyard she owns, recounting how she made it through.

She will. And I will. I am!

58 -

So I’m still drunk. I can’t let it go. I haven’t been home since 8am yesterday.

But this is me, writing this in a parking lot of a church - waiting for a meeting.

So this is what my best looks like right now. And it’s gonna have to fucking do.

56 -

Sometimes I look around and I wonder if everyone questions their sense of reality as much as I do.

I feel like something is about to crack.

59 -

I went to the meeting. It was good. I was drunk for it but hey I showed up.

I got home safely, finally. We (not me, we) threw out all the hidden alcohol and had a hard conversation.

I called my mom and I told her what happened and I let her “mom” me.

I decided to take a leave of absence from school.

I made it through today. And I can go to sleep. I will not drink tomorrow.

I realize I was not putting my recovery first. I got a little cocky and a little arrogant.

I thought “I’m smarter than other addicts”

Ok like go with me on this thought because I know that no one except an addict will get this but let’s pretend we all do:

It’s one thing to be 18 and get high before work at Old Navy and hahaha it’s your funny little secret. No one knows and work was more fun today. Or to steal alcohol from Walmart and be all wild and silly and “omg I’m like sooOoo drunk”

It’s quite another thing when getting high means cold water extraction opiates. (So you can take more without killing your liver on the Tylenol portion. You know, the normal crack head shit. Duh?)

And what they don’t tell you when you decide to be a rebellious, misunderstood teenager - that that turns into knowing what liquor stores are open at 7am. Being too fucked up to drive so you have to order alcohol delivery. Finding a random pill on the sidewalk & trusting google then taking it. Stealing pills from friends, family - literally anyone. Knowing exactly how to drink in front of others and they have no idea - spiking “normal drinks” / dark water bottles. Driving drunk, like….all the time. Being so fucked up for so long that sobriety almost feels like its own sort of drug lol. Lying, making excuses, ignoring, not eating, not sleeping, developing acne, being unable to walk up stairs without being winded, bad hygiene, isolating, sleeping with whomever just to feel worthy, doing so much blow that the blinds moving gives you a panic attack, actually just like doing blow and licking the god damn bag for that last piece, getting kicked out of places, getting a dui (oh and still driving drunk on a suspended license), knowing the graveyard gas station guy on a first name basis, being on house arrest, having the person you love most tell you that you’re hurting them unintentionally, being unreliable, chaotic etc etc etc

So a year ago I started this online journal because I thought I was gonna do it. I was going to get sober and stay sober. Finally.

Well it didn’t quite play out that way. I only have myself to blame.

Here we fucking go again. Each day a little ….something but idk what that is to be honest.

60 -

I need to end today with something hopeful so here it is:

I think everything I need (to find happiness and fulfillment) may actually be within me….

Because I’m definitely in a low and I scrolled back to look over what I had written before, not sure what I was hoping for but then I found it….hope itself.

If I have been happy and sober before, I can do it again.

If I can believe in myself and the goodness of this life, I can believe again. That part of me doesn’t just disappear.

Honestly? I’m actually a pretty cool person outside of the drinking. I like to be people’s safe space.

Ok pause, sometimes I am actually extremely fun when drinking. Or is this the alcoholism talking *wink*

I just need to surrender and trust that. Trust my greater She. I told her to STFU for a few months - ouch I’m not perfect. Sorry girl, no hard feelings.

I will put my trust back in her.

One day at a time.

Okay. I can do this. Again. I have to.