Depression Relapse - Tumblr Posts

Relapse

You know the feeling you get before you fall? That brief moment of complete panic. Imagine having that but for 15 minutes. 30 minutes. Maybe an hour. And then once that has passed imagine the feeling of complete emptiness. You feel numb. The numbness can go on for hours. Days. Weeks. That's what my depression/anxiety relapse feels like. I panic, knowing that it's gonna happen again but it always ends up getting worse.

me, in a downward spiral:

*self sabotage and high-risk behaviors*

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I’m just so tired. The urge to escape was strong this morning. It was overwhelming.

Yesterday was so emotionally draining. I feel like a failure right now but deep down I know I’m not.

I wouldn’t have been able to say that before. And that’s how I know things are changing :)

I don’t believe in signs but my ex (everyone has that one ex that just….you know, THE EX of all the exes) contacted me out of nowhere and I can’t stop staring at the message.

He contacts me periodically, a thirsty slide into the DMs. lol

(also me: HAHAHA told ya mf i was amazing ur loss big boi)

I’m obviously not going to touch that, but it gets me thinking about how things always seem to come around at the same time.

Is there a deeper meaning to anything?

Is this a sign - maybe the universe is saying “hey it’s your chance, here’s temptation to fuck it all up and it’s up to you girly!”

I’m only human so I’ll admit it, there will always be a tiny grain of hope. Doesn’t matter how committed or in love I am now.

Because who hasn’t been fucked over or taken for granted, and hoped that one day they’d come back and realize? Like finally getting revenge in a way.

The heart isn’t mutually exclusive.

I feel so vulnerable and all of the thought patterns I’ve worked so hard to overcome, are just lurking in the shadows.

It’s funny how our addict minds are just waiting for the second we start to feel better - regardless of how bad it was last time, it will still try to convince me it’ll be different next time.

It’s fucked up honestly. My own brain? Working against me.

But you know what? This time I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I don’t want to be perfect - I am just too tired to care anymore.

I deleted all of my social media and decided my new life dream is to be a ghost.

Sometimes….it really is just about doing the work. I cried so much in the last 24 hours but it has been cathartic. I forgot that crying is actually a completely normal expression and release of energy.

I’m definitely afraid of my feelings. This is all I know so far.

Hey, one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.

Each day, a little more. I won’t drink today.

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Depression is so weird. It’s not that I don’t care - I’d love to want to care. I desperately want to care.

Anything is better than feeling a dullness inside of you. What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.

I don’t feel sad or angry, I just feel empty. And it is all consuming.

I feel like I’m watching my life slip away. Witness to my own self destruction.

I can’t muster the energy or desire to do anything even though I know I should. I know it’ll make me feel better but I’m not fully convinced enough to actually take action.

My floor is covered in laundry that hasn’t been done in longer than I want to admit on the internet.

I haven’t showered in over a week. My eating and sleeping habits are a joke. I’m slipping.

The worst part about depression is that is snowballs and you don’t. see. it. happening.

Then it’s a few years later and you can barely take care of yourself. The fact that I have so far to go to get back to where I’ll feel okay is daunting; it makes me give up without trying sometimes.

But then I think, I get to set a new standard for where and how I’ll feel okay.

But what if I set the wrong one?

You see I am EXHAUSTED at trying to figure myself out. I just want to get to a point where I can manage the stress of life without relying on a substance. Where I can ignore intrusive thoughts. Where I have the capacity to consistently be a good friend, daughter, wife, worker….

I ran out of my meds a few days ago so I want to blame that for how I feel okay.

But I’m not drinking.

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I drank again. Still drinking. I know it’s bad. I’ll save all of the justifications.

My husband said “I need you to stop drinking”.

And I got angry. Like who the hell is he to tell me HE NEEDS ME to stop drinking? As if I don’t already know that. As if I don’t need ME to stop drinking. As if I didn’t raise myself this whole time and this is how I made it through. As if I don’t already hate myself for this.

I know it’s the addict in me getting defensive but..it’s hard.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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I am afraid I will never kick my issues. Right when I think I’ve got a grip, I slip. Again, and again, and again.

I’m so sick of this.

How many more mistakes do I need to make? What is it going to take for me to stop?

I don’t know what to do or think anymore. Ugh.

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Day 1 again. Hi Day 1. We’ve become very good friends lately

I will not drink today. But I will take a shower and go on a walk and meet with my therapist.

I feel so all over the place.