79 -

79 -

I can feel myself shifting internally while the world is simultaneously trying to stop it.

—

I can feel myself:

• growing less attached to the opinions of others

• growing in confidence (maybe some borderline arrogance but it’s new and I’m gleeful)

• more & more able to talk myself out of ruminating

• “testing” my intrusive thoughts for evidence - turns out they’re wrong a lot!

• feeling optimistic about the future - setting goals, making plans

• less *needing* to escape; instead, making a conscious choice to if so

• follow up ^ wanting to escape less often

• more comfortable letting things/people/situations go (not needing to control)

• embracing the freedom in realizing that I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• acknowledging the other side of the coin - the painful loneliness of realizing I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• defining my reality on my own terms

• feeling happy & confident, yet feeling like I’m doing something wrong

• tested by old thought patterns and behaviors

• trying to make a home for the scared little girl/old me while shifting into a newer mature new me

• heightened awareness of others’ need to be accepted, probably because I find myself growing less so - like a living juxtaposition

• acknowledging my weaknesses while, starting to accept my whole self in her entirety

• questioning myself often, worrying if I am turning into a selfish asshole

• feeling a loss of identity - Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? ….How do I decide?

• feeling like there isn’t enough time anymore

• being a human

••• holding all of these feelings separately, together •••

not. quitting.

maybe, stumbling

but then. getting. up. again.

—

Oh, I was tested today on my no drinking and I prevailed. YAY me. It’s the little wins. Few and far between but they add up over time - experience > confidence > resilience

Addiction is all simple math really.

Drinks, dollars, grams, ounces, pills, dosage, days, hours - constantly counting; constantly surviving, dependent on a roulette of endless numbers.

And recovery? Getting sober is saying “fuck your math, I’m bored, let’s do some science”

get in loser we’re healing and loving ourselves

Devin Kelly, "Wishing I Was Looking Down at Baseball Diamonds from an Airplane Window”

You will not stay stuck in the same patterns forever. You are capable of change. It might be small and you may not be able to see the change day to day, but over time things will get better.

Friedrich Nietzsche