Neverluckygoldfish - Chaotic Neutral

You will be too raw for some. You will be too loud, too big, too fierce, too quiet, too deep. These are not your people.

S.C. Lourie

79 -

I can feel myself shifting internally while the world is simultaneously trying to stop it.

—

I can feel myself:

• growing less attached to the opinions of others

• growing in confidence (maybe some borderline arrogance but it’s new and I’m gleeful)

• more & more able to talk myself out of ruminating

• “testing” my intrusive thoughts for evidence - turns out they’re wrong a lot!

• feeling optimistic about the future - setting goals, making plans

• less *needing* to escape; instead, making a conscious choice to if so

• follow up ^ wanting to escape less often

• more comfortable letting things/people/situations go (not needing to control)

• embracing the freedom in realizing that I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• acknowledging the other side of the coin - the painful loneliness of realizing I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• defining my reality on my own terms

• feeling happy & confident, yet feeling like I’m doing something wrong

• tested by old thought patterns and behaviors

• trying to make a home for the scared little girl/old me while shifting into a newer mature new me

• heightened awareness of others’ need to be accepted, probably because I find myself growing less so - like a living juxtaposition

• acknowledging my weaknesses while, starting to accept my whole self in her entirety

• questioning myself often, worrying if I am turning into a selfish asshole

• feeling a loss of identity - Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? ….How do I decide?

• feeling like there isn’t enough time anymore

• being a human

••• holding all of these feelings separately, together •••

not. quitting.

maybe, stumbling

but then. getting. up. again.

—

Oh, I was tested today on my no drinking and I prevailed. YAY me. It’s the little wins. Few and far between but they add up over time - experience > confidence > resilience

Addiction is all simple math really.

Drinks, dollars, grams, ounces, pills, dosage, days, hours - constantly counting; constantly surviving, dependent on a roulette of endless numbers.

And recovery? Getting sober is saying “fuck your math, I’m bored, let’s do some science”

Didi Jackson, from "Poem With the Last Line as the First"

77 -

Today, I am grateful. I had plans with some new friends and I’ll be honest - I get nervous.

Especially doing it sober? I’ve always counted on alcohol or something to reduce the insecurity. To relax my social barometer.

These days, I usually hide out on the weekends trying to muster myself up to survive the week.

Kind of sad to live life this way but I’ve got a lot going on so this is how it is right now.

So I hung out with these two friends and made myself not drink. And it was not bad. I was nervous and felt a little uncomfortable in my own skin, but I did it.

And what was really special, is I was able to vocalize this feeling ^ and share it safely without fear.

I feel like a baby deer learning how to walk, all awkward and gangly - but kind of cute, right?

Baby steps.