Understanding Myself - Tumblr Posts

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I can feel myself shifting internally while the world is simultaneously trying to stop it.

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I can feel myself:

• growing less attached to the opinions of others

• growing in confidence (maybe some borderline arrogance but it’s new and I’m gleeful)

• more & more able to talk myself out of ruminating

• “testing” my intrusive thoughts for evidence - turns out they’re wrong a lot!

• feeling optimistic about the future - setting goals, making plans

• less *needing* to escape; instead, making a conscious choice to if so

• follow up ^ wanting to escape less often

• more comfortable letting things/people/situations go (not needing to control)

• embracing the freedom in realizing that I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• acknowledging the other side of the coin - the painful loneliness of realizing I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• defining my reality on my own terms

• feeling happy & confident, yet feeling like I’m doing something wrong

• tested by old thought patterns and behaviors

• trying to make a home for the scared little girl/old me while shifting into a newer mature new me

• heightened awareness of others’ need to be accepted, probably because I find myself growing less so - like a living juxtaposition

• acknowledging my weaknesses while, starting to accept my whole self in her entirety

• questioning myself often, worrying if I am turning into a selfish asshole

• feeling a loss of identity - Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? ….How do I decide?

• feeling like there isn’t enough time anymore

• being a human

••• holding all of these feelings separately, together •••

not. quitting.

maybe, stumbling

but then. getting. up. again.

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Oh, I was tested today on my no drinking and I prevailed. YAY me. It’s the little wins. Few and far between but they add up over time - experience > confidence > resilience

Addiction is all simple math really.

Drinks, dollars, grams, ounces, pills, dosage, days, hours - constantly counting; constantly surviving, dependent on a roulette of endless numbers.

And recovery? Getting sober is saying “fuck your math, I’m bored, let’s do some science”

In the last few months things have been more abnormal, than normal for me. It’s pretty interesting to say that I find myself operating at a level of chaos that I shouldn’t be. Hectic situations are like being able to see the sun clearly. Where others only see purple storm clouds. I have always been grown. My youth was stolen from me. Ripped from the cage in my chest that holds my little beating heart. The adults around me forged a weapon against one another fom my little remains. Mother and child against father with son. Kin against kin.

Since the age of 7 years, adults have questioned me! Told me! Volun-told me what I should think and what I should do.

From there I was told how I should feel about my mother and ill fitting she was. And I was told about how much a loser my father was. Nothing, was fair for me. No experience of greatness thrusted for me to experiment of what I had come from. Only what I supposedly lacked.

By the ones we call family. On both sides, are the ones that create situations that ultimately have nothing to do with them. It’s always when the shoe is placed on the other foot they see how it feels.. …With no regret, I practice my bitch craft and I practice it fiercely. No hold bars. And anyone can catch a sift blade of my palatial sword. Burn from my relentless gaze.

I. Still angry because no one want to hear me speak. Vent, let out all of that anger. Tell my truth. I need to have the. Own up to what they have done. Admit that you were wrong and that I cost me emotionally type venting. In the end everything feels as it doesn’t matter because I was not planned more wanted in the first place. The shadows of there faces linger on my thought because I have been on my own for a very long while. I have been creating my own families. And still nothing ever compares. In one way or another I am, in the subtlest of ways. Reminded of my place in these places. In these groups, in these homes. I think that I will feel at ease. And at home, when I create my own organic family. Find my partner. Build a home. Create a stable life. And have babies.

I think that I’m ready to do this and never look back at those who I have come from. To never let my children and partner know what foolery, ignorance and contemptuous people that I birth from. “Now Is the time. Now is the hour. Now is the magic. Now is the power!”