Forgive Yourself - Tumblr Posts

i think the worst part about sexual assault is the hatred that comes after. "was it my fault? was it the clothes i wore? the way i looked them in the eye? did i smile too much? did i not smile enough? did i laugh too boisterously and in doing so.. did i tempt them? is it my fault?"

it's not your fault. you can't change the outcome, you couldn't even if you knew. it's not your clothes, your smile, your hair, or your voice. it's them. you didn't ask for it, you didn't do anything to deserve it and you could never do anything to deserve sexual assault. you didn't want it and that's enough to say you didn't deserve it.

so forgive yourself. forgive yourself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. forgive yourself for what you think you did to deserve it. forgive yourself. because it is no one's fault but theirs.

you didn't deserve it, so forgive yourself.

17 -

I’m starting to really see how my drinking and my substance abuse hurt those around me. There are the obvious instances (saying things I shouldn’t, volatile mood swings, being unreliable etc.), but there’s also subtle things. Things like not being present for my friends, not remembering details about their lives, disappearing on/off, not being honest about my addiction issues or putting those first, pushing people away, chasing popularity and appearances, constantly being wrapped up in all of “my” stuff, taking people for granted, victimizing myself to justify my choices, assuming their worlds revolved around me.

My friend told me that she needed some space. She’s going through a hard time & she doesn’t really know what to say to me. I fucked things up with us on my last bender.

I hold myself responsible and am doing the work to change. But sometimes people aren’t ready or need time to process. That’s okay, that’s life. It’s not necessarily a reflection of me.

I guess I don’t understand that part of being human because I’ve never taken time to understand my feelings. Why bother, when I can just drink about it?

In a way, I have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old. Relearning my feelings makes me feel like a little kid, not in a fun way.

Just because I made a mistake, doesn’t mean I am a bad person.

In the past, a friend saying they need distance from me would have driven me straight into a shame spiral. It’s all my fault. Everything is. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where I feel this way about myself, so I drink and then I behave in ways that make people upset with me and the cycle starts over… huh. I wonder when I got on this hamster wheel.

A lot of people have left. But a lot of people have stayed. And not everyone knows their feelings and can articulately express them, like I’m not alone in this. (um, duh right?)

I have a tendency towards black-and-white thinking. Gray is challenging.

Today though, my mind started to go down that path. And then I was able to talk myself out of it, to rationalize it out. To remove my character from the equation. I also called a friend and told them to tell me what I needed to hear because I wasn’t listening to myself. A BIG WIN THAT DOESN’T FEEL THAT BIG BUT IT SO IS!!!

My therapist told me to start treating me (my inner self) as my friend. She *might* actually know what she’s talking about after all :)

I feel better. It’s still there but it’s not all consuming right now. It’s still there, but I can go about my day a little bit. It’s still there, but I’m also still a good person.

I am trying, that’s what’s important.

Relationships/friendships, they ebb and flow. Ride the waves bruh

Each day, a little better and brighter.

79 -

I can feel myself shifting internally while the world is simultaneously trying to stop it.

—

I can feel myself:

• growing less attached to the opinions of others

• growing in confidence (maybe some borderline arrogance but it’s new and I’m gleeful)

• more & more able to talk myself out of ruminating

• “testing” my intrusive thoughts for evidence - turns out they’re wrong a lot!

• feeling optimistic about the future - setting goals, making plans

• less *needing* to escape; instead, making a conscious choice to if so

• follow up ^ wanting to escape less often

• more comfortable letting things/people/situations go (not needing to control)

• embracing the freedom in realizing that I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• acknowledging the other side of the coin - the painful loneliness of realizing I don’t matter to anyone else as much as I do to myself

• defining my reality on my own terms

• feeling happy & confident, yet feeling like I’m doing something wrong

• tested by old thought patterns and behaviors

• trying to make a home for the scared little girl/old me while shifting into a newer mature new me

• heightened awareness of others’ need to be accepted, probably because I find myself growing less so - like a living juxtaposition

• acknowledging my weaknesses while, starting to accept my whole self in her entirety

• questioning myself often, worrying if I am turning into a selfish asshole

• feeling a loss of identity - Who am I? What do I like? What do I want? ….How do I decide?

• feeling like there isn’t enough time anymore

• being a human

••• holding all of these feelings separately, together •••

not. quitting.

maybe, stumbling

but then. getting. up. again.

—

Oh, I was tested today on my no drinking and I prevailed. YAY me. It’s the little wins. Few and far between but they add up over time - experience > confidence > resilience

Addiction is all simple math really.

Drinks, dollars, grams, ounces, pills, dosage, days, hours - constantly counting; constantly surviving, dependent on a roulette of endless numbers.

And recovery? Getting sober is saying “fuck your math, I’m bored, let’s do some science”

Embracing Redemption: A Journey to Healing Regret and Embracing Your Past Mistakes Shaina Tranquilino February 27, 2024

Regret is a powerful and universal emotion that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. Whether it's a decision that led to unintended consequences or a choice that we wish we could take back, regret has a way of lingering in our minds, casting a shadow on our present and future. However, it's important to recognize that healing from regret is not only possible but also a crucial step toward personal growth and self-discovery. In this blog post, we will explore the process of healing regret and how to embrace your past mistakes as catalysts for positive change.

Acceptance: The first step towards healing regret is accepting the reality of your past mistakes. It's natural to feel a range of emotions – guilt, shame, disappointment – but dwelling on these feelings without acceptance can hinder your ability to move forward. Acknowledge your actions, take responsibility for them, and understand that mistakes are a part of the human experience.

Learn and Reflect: Mistakes, no matter how painful, are valuable lessons in disguise. Take the time to reflect on the circumstances that led to your decisions and understand the underlying motivations. What can you learn from the experience? How can you use this knowledge to make better choices in the future? Learning from your mistakes transforms regret into a tool for personal development.

Practice Self-Compassion: It's essential to be kind to yourself during the healing process. Understand that everyone makes mistakes, and self-compassion is crucial for personal growth. Avoid self-criticism and negative self-talk, as these only perpetuate feelings of regret. Treat yourself with the same empathy and understanding you would offer a friend facing a similar situation.

Seek Forgiveness: If your mistakes have affected others, seeking forgiveness can be a crucial step in the healing process. Apologize sincerely, express remorse, and be open to understanding the impact of your actions on those around you. While forgiveness may not be immediate or guaranteed, the act of seeking it demonstrates your commitment to growth and change.

Focus on the Present: While it's essential to learn from the past, dwelling on it excessively can hinder your ability to enjoy the present and plan for the future. Shift your focus to the present moment, appreciating the opportunities for positive change that exist every day. Set realistic goals, cultivate healthy habits, and surround yourself with supportive relationships.

Embrace Change: Regret can serve as a powerful catalyst for change. Use it as motivation to redefine your priorities, values, and goals. Embracing change requires a willingness to step outside your comfort zone, but it also opens the door to new possibilities and opportunities for personal and professional growth.

Healing regret and embracing your past mistakes is a transformative journey that requires self-reflection, acceptance, and a commitment to positive change. By learning from your mistakes, practicing self-compassion, seeking forgiveness, and focusing on the present, you can turn regret into a stepping stone toward a more fulfilling and purposeful life. Remember, your past does not define you, but your ability to grow from it shapes your future.