Neverluckygoldfish - Chaotic Neutral

16 -

There’s a hurricane going on in my mind. The urge to use, drink, or anything really — is strong today. It’s an incessant wind, pelting at my back. I’m afraid to look over my shoulder.

I started a new medication…really hoping this isn’t a side effect. Also, I couldn’t sleep. I had anxious nightmares.

I’m tired. I feel hopeless. I feel pessimistic. I feel like I’m fucking everything up. I feel like everything is worse. I feel insecure. I feel self-doubt. I feel exhausted. I literally just don’t want to feel.

It’s funny how the urge has creeped up out of nowhere. But I don’t want to use or drink. I don’t want to erase my progress. I don’t want to start over, again. I can’t. So I’m stuck and I feel miserable here.

I often see all these social media posts about “wellness” “self-care” “being that girl” & “putting myself first”. Cue a montage of aesthetically pleasing pictures/videos of food, exercise, reading, nature, looking good…etc etc. I admit, I buy into it. We all do. We all want to fix that one thing or radiate confidence. We all want to feel better.

But I’m learning that real healing isn’t always aesthetically pleasing. Sometimes it’s an entire day spent in bed. Sometimes it’s candy for breakfast. Sometimes it’s ugly crying. The important thing is to turn around and move forward when you’ve fallen a few steps backwards. To not lose faith in yourself.

If you need me, I’ll be frantically deep cleaning my apartment. No time to think and I want it that way right now.

Each day a little better & brighter (even on the cloudy ones).

Clarice Lispector, tr. by Ronald W. Sousa, The Passion According to G.H.

Source: Kirsten Corley

18 -

I was reminded today that I am not in control of much. That when I try to control every minute detail of my life….I’m constantly overwhelmed and anxious. Because it’s an impossible task.

That sense of control, feeling like I’m responsible for/in charge of everything that happens to me or other people’s lives/emotions/reactions— it’s heavy. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. And I carried it around for years.

Sometimes I reflect and I think “damn I really wanted to live on hard mode huh”. I refused to see another way. It was like I have two options: control my drinking/substance abuse or die.

I just want to laugh at that now. Only those two options. And now in sobriety, I feel like I have so many more.

Oh my god does it feel good to relieve myself of the pressure.

Also, I giggled while I typed out “relieve myself” (ha ha that means to potty!!!) because I’m 5 years old.

Sometimes I wish I was more concise.

My win for today was that I put away all of my laundry. Didn’t play musical chairs and move the little piles everywhere until a month later when I do laundry again. And it felt good. Like I have an actual genuine desire to take care of myself and my home because it makes me feel good. What a concept!!!!!!

Today in therapy I had to stop - mid-sentence - because I was thinking 5 things but wanted to say 10, and had to tell myself OUT LOUD “okay brain, just pick one”.

Well. I have ADHD. Clearly. Also it didn’t work.

Each day, a little better and brighter lol.

A Burst of Light, Audre Lorde