A Burst Of Light, Audre Lorde

A Burst of Light, Audre Lorde

17 -

I’m starting to really see how my drinking and my substance abuse hurt those around me. There are the obvious instances (saying things I shouldn’t, volatile mood swings, being unreliable etc.), but there’s also subtle things. Things like not being present for my friends, not remembering details about their lives, disappearing on/off, not being honest about my addiction issues or putting those first, pushing people away, chasing popularity and appearances, constantly being wrapped up in all of “my” stuff, taking people for granted, victimizing myself to justify my choices, assuming their worlds revolved around me.

My friend told me that she needed some space. She’s going through a hard time & she doesn’t really know what to say to me. I fucked things up with us on my last bender.

I hold myself responsible and am doing the work to change. But sometimes people aren’t ready or need time to process. That’s okay, that’s life. It’s not necessarily a reflection of me.

I guess I don’t understand that part of being human because I’ve never taken time to understand my feelings. Why bother, when I can just drink about it?

In a way, I have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old. Relearning my feelings makes me feel like a little kid, not in a fun way.

Just because I made a mistake, doesn’t mean I am a bad person.

In the past, a friend saying they need distance from me would have driven me straight into a shame spiral. It’s all my fault. Everything is. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where I feel this way about myself, so I drink and then I behave in ways that make people upset with me and the cycle starts over… huh. I wonder when I got on this hamster wheel.

A lot of people have left. But a lot of people have stayed. And not everyone knows their feelings and can articulately express them, like I’m not alone in this. (um, duh right?)

I have a tendency towards black-and-white thinking. Gray is challenging.

Today though, my mind started to go down that path. And then I was able to talk myself out of it, to rationalize it out. To remove my character from the equation. I also called a friend and told them to tell me what I needed to hear because I wasn’t listening to myself. A BIG WIN THAT DOESN’T FEEL THAT BIG BUT IT SO IS!!!

My therapist told me to start treating me (my inner self) as my friend. She *might* actually know what she’s talking about after all :)

I feel better. It’s still there but it’s not all consuming right now. It’s still there, but I can go about my day a little bit. It’s still there, but I’m also still a good person.

I am trying, that’s what’s important.

Relationships/friendships, they ebb and flow. Ride the waves bruh

Each day, a little better and brighter.

15 -

Reflections on 30 days (yes, that’s right!!!!) of sobriety:

It’s okay to let things, people, ideas go that no longer serve me.

I don’t have all the answers and I don’t have to!!! What a relief.

Sometimes I feel low. Bad days happen. It’s all going to be okay. Most of my days are pretty good.

Take time to rest. Take time to rest. Take time to rest.

The other day, I went for a walk. There was a light breeze rustling the leaves through the trees and it softly cooled my skin. The sun felt warm on my face. The air smelled crisp and fresh. Remember this, because these are the moments that make me feel at home within myself.

I don’t need everyone to like me or even understand me in order to feel worthy.

My version of success is different from other versions and that’s okay.

I’m not behind. I am right where I need to be.

Money doesn’t solve everything. Shopping definitely doesn’t solve everything (even though I wish it did!!!)

Surrender. Trust in my intuition - my greater She within me.

Eating nourishing foods + drinking plenty of water + getting enough sleep = can change everything.

I can’t fault myself for being honest and living with integrity.

There is serenity in solitude. I love my alone time.

Quality over quantity.

How I treat others is a reflection of me. I choose to treat others with kindness and compassion, whether they are deserving or not.

Feelings are normal: doubt, fear, insecurity, anger, hopelessness - they are signals to look deeper within myself to determine what I need. There are no “bad” feelings.

It’s okay to think before I respond.

I don’t need to apologize for existing.

Everything I have hope for, will come.

One day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time.

A shower always makes me feel better.

Peace, not perfection.

Each day, a little better & brighter :)

All day, errr day

petition to remove the word “perfect” from every day use and also from conceptual existence.