Recovering Addict - Tumblr Posts

rip chimpanzeedotcom

#will be missed #zee #chimpanzeedotcom

wanting to vomit evrrything

dreams with cataclysmic endings

in this body it is not fit

hanging after every suffix

I love you guys, the community, the support you’ve shown me, the way you interact with me and stick up for me & helped create a safe space 🩷

However, I need to get real with myself. I think I’m sick. In the head, like badly. I have found myself sacrificing everything from sleeping, eating, drinking, taking care of myself properly, in order to get off or consume ‘adult material’. I’m talking 8+ hours of doing this per night. It’s not healthy for me in any way.

I have always said I don’t have an addictive personality but when’s it’s 6am and I’ve spent all night doing this and ignoring other responsibilities + work at 9am with no sleep, it feels like a fucking awful addiction that doesn’t make me feel good. Why would it? I’m ignoring the literal basic needs to function as a human. My brain gets tunnel vision but it’s for days. It’s made real-life intimacy and my self-image challenging as well. If I was really telling the truth then I’d confess I think this is an ADHD self-soothing thing, with some trauma ✨ in there too.

Sorry this post isn’t hot haha. But I have to admit it does feel good finally getting to kick myself off here rather than tumblr doing it for me 😂

I might keep this up, I might delete it entirely, it might be a break until I find a healthy way to express myself without it taking over and negatively impacting my life and self image.

If you feel like you’re in a similar position then I’d encourage you to analyse your behaviour and see if you need to change anything.

I will, however, be plugging my OF one last time, because it has to stay up, as I’m partially financially dependant on it. I would really appreciate any support on there if you enjoy/ed my posts and content. I often do sales and trials etc if you’re not in a position to sub but would like to 🩷

Love you lots ❤️

2 -

*trigger warning: substance abuse, depression, alcoholism*

I washed my hair today. Writing that out — it looks and feels silly to make that a win. Doesn’t everybody wash their hair, shower, brush their teeth, eat, sleep….everyday? It’s our basic needs that we learn as a child and somewhere along the lines, I lost control of all of them. I’ve struggled with all of these throughout my life, but for the past 2-5 years, they’ve really fallen off.

So yeah, I washed my hair. The big thing here is that I WANTED to. The thought of taking my clothes off, being naked, and the sensation of water on my skin didn’t fill me with extreme fear at being so vulnerable and exposed. And afterward? I felt good. I’d go so far as to say rejuvenated even. I looked forward to showering again tomorrow. Hi, it’s me and I am growing!!!!

After this, I’m going to brush my teeth. For the first time. In 10 days. I know, it’s disgusting but hey, that’s depression (no one said it was pretty).

I’ve been going to recovery meetings every day and reflecting on my life. How did I get to this point? I’m almost 30 and this is nowhere close to what I expected. I’m not entirely sure what I expected, actually. Sure — I have hopes and dreams, but I’ve also just floated along. My mom used to call me “a leaf in the wind”.

If you had asked me, before everything blew up last week — I would have told you that my life is not where I want it to be but “I’m working on it. No idea how I got here, but I’m handling it. Sure, I struggle with alcohol & drugs, but I can control it”. I can’t. That would have been a lie. And yet, I consider myself a pretty honest person.

Now, I realize that it wasn’t one massive spontaneous combustion, but a million little fires that were never put out, continually smoldering underneath throughout my life. That shit hurts to carry.

In AA, they talk a lot about God. Surrendering to Him, as you understand him. I’ll be honest, I have some mixed feelings about this God character. I’m a facts-based, evidence person. (Except when I’m feeling anxious or insecure, bc then I looooove to believe shit I have no basis for). I lean towards science/an agnostic view. Proof. I also tend to believe everything is meaningless. But I feel desperate lately, to surrender to something beyond myself. Because I tried surrendering to myself as I am and well, this me is all over the place and loves to get high lol.

I’d like to think of God as a greater power, but within myself. A greater She that I haven’t been able to tap into. Because of unprocessed childhood trauma, which left me feeling alone with no sense of self-esteem. That instead of reaching inwardly for Her, I chose to cloud my thoughts, feelings, and view of the world with drinking & drugs. No self-judgment here. It was just easier and in a way, it was what I knew. But I’m starting to believe in Her. She, who is truly honest, resilient, kind, and compassionate. Each day, I get closer to reconciling the greater She with me as I am today.

I’m feeling more and more chipper as each new day comes. But I also feel an undercurrent of anxiety growing. I try to take it one day at a time. But I get so restless and easily overwhelmed, then I spiral & I don’t know what to do with myself. My therapist says “Young lady, you need to stay busy or you’ll get into trouble”. But my ADHD brain says I DON’T WANT TO PLAN. EW GROSS WORK!!!

And, in the spirit of honesty, I’m eating some sour skittles for breakfast. It’s progress, not perfection people! Don’t worry, I’m also drinking a protein shake too bc like, health.

I’ll make it a point to end these with one thing I am grateful for/one thing that has brought me a glimpse of happiness:

I got my first AA chip! My first meeting, I was the only newcomer. It was Friday night & there were people of all sobriety ages. I cried. I felt so brittle, so broken and at rock bottom. Everyone in that meeting, I mean literally EVERYONE, welcomed me with open arms (read: actual hugs) & told me to hang in there. I’ve never felt so comforted, and by strangers nonetheless.

Sincerely, I.

15 -

Reflections on 30 days (yes, that’s right!!!!) of sobriety:

It’s okay to let things, people, ideas go that no longer serve me.

I don’t have all the answers and I don’t have to!!! What a relief.

Sometimes I feel low. Bad days happen. It’s all going to be okay. Most of my days are pretty good.

Take time to rest. Take time to rest. Take time to rest.

The other day, I went for a walk. There was a light breeze rustling the leaves through the trees and it softly cooled my skin. The sun felt warm on my face. The air smelled crisp and fresh. Remember this, because these are the moments that make me feel at home within myself.

I don’t need everyone to like me or even understand me in order to feel worthy.

My version of success is different from other versions and that’s okay.

I’m not behind. I am right where I need to be.

Money doesn’t solve everything. Shopping definitely doesn’t solve everything (even though I wish it did!!!)

Surrender. Trust in my intuition - my greater She within me.

Eating nourishing foods + drinking plenty of water + getting enough sleep = can change everything.

I can’t fault myself for being honest and living with integrity.

There is serenity in solitude. I love my alone time.

Quality over quantity.

How I treat others is a reflection of me. I choose to treat others with kindness and compassion, whether they are deserving or not.

Feelings are normal: doubt, fear, insecurity, anger, hopelessness - they are signals to look deeper within myself to determine what I need. There are no “bad” feelings.

It’s okay to think before I respond.

I don’t need to apologize for existing.

Everything I have hope for, will come.

One day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time.

A shower always makes me feel better.

Peace, not perfection.

Each day, a little better & brighter :)

18 -

I was reminded today that I am not in control of much. That when I try to control every minute detail of my life….I’m constantly overwhelmed and anxious. Because it’s an impossible task.

That sense of control, feeling like I’m responsible for/in charge of everything that happens to me or other people’s lives/emotions/reactions— it’s heavy. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. And I carried it around for years.

Sometimes I reflect and I think “damn I really wanted to live on hard mode huh”. I refused to see another way. It was like I have two options: control my drinking/substance abuse or die.

I just want to laugh at that now. Only those two options. And now in sobriety, I feel like I have so many more.

Oh my god does it feel good to relieve myself of the pressure.

Also, I giggled while I typed out “relieve myself” (ha ha that means to potty!!!) because I’m 5 years old.

Sometimes I wish I was more concise.

My win for today was that I put away all of my laundry. Didn’t play musical chairs and move the little piles everywhere until a month later when I do laundry again. And it felt good. Like I have an actual genuine desire to take care of myself and my home because it makes me feel good. What a concept!!!!!!

Today in therapy I had to stop - mid-sentence - because I was thinking 5 things but wanted to say 10, and had to tell myself OUT LOUD “okay brain, just pick one”.

Well. I have ADHD. Clearly. Also it didn’t work.

Each day, a little better and brighter lol.

19 -

Black or white. Wrong or right. Good or bad. It’s all a spectrum, but I have a really hard time seeing it that way.

Today, I’m trying to hold both of these things & give them equal weight:

1. I am an addict. I am an alcoholic. I have hurt the people I love. I have made choices that put myself, my loved ones, and society in danger. Intentionally as well as unintentionally. I’ve acted in ways, with no regard for others. I’ve made people worry and caused them anxiety. I still have more to see about the ripple effects of my actions.

I give myself a little grace because I started using and drinking at a young age (13 to be precise) But I continued this pattern through the age of 29. Probably still wouldn’t have admitted it was slowly killing me if it didn’t all blow up in my face and I had no other choice but to face reality. That’s just the truth.

Even at 13, I knew I was making a bad decision (hi DARE) but I didn’t care because I thought I was better than it (lol I was kind of a “I know better than everyone else” little b at 13).

In a way, I thought I was invincible. I’ve been so consumed by my own pain that I didn’t take the time to truly acknowledge others’. I ignored them. It’s not all me me me me me. I say this to take accountability.

2. I grew up in a turbulent household. My father was an alcoholic and those are my earliest memories. I was terrified of him & embarrassed of him. He got sober and then became a drug addict. He took me on drug runs. Our backyard was covered in crack pipes. He forgot about me, he belittled me, he degraded me. He physically abused my mother and myself. He told me I wasn’t worthy and my family kind of enabled that narrative. He’s clean now and has been for years but he is so wrapped up in his own delusional world - we have no contact. I found out recently that he suffered horrible abuse and neglect as a child. The cycle continues.

It was just my parents and I, not much extended family. One grandma - well, she swallowed a lifetime of abuse and pain. She wasn’t entirely sane, as a result. The other one? Everything was my fault in her eyes, I was just like my dad. Why am I making our lives so hard? At 3, at 7, at 16, at 21, now. Ok grandma, I get it. I wasn’t an easy child. Everyone else was pretty much on the fringe, never really saw them or knew them.

My mom wasn’t around because she was busy supporting the whole household and trying to keep it all together. I still don’t know how she did it. She’s also very stoic — actually, it’s a cultural thing. We come from a background where stoicism is revered. We. Do. Not. Talk. About. Things. We overcome and we swallow it or we whisper behind closed doors and pretend everything is fine. Patriarchy rules. You can’t change your situation, bad things happen and we endure silently.

I see things from her perspective now, she was in an impossible situation. She’s only human. These days, we are a lot more honest and compassionate with each other. She is my anchor and I would give her the sun, if I could.

But I held a lot of anger and resentment towards her for most of my childhood. Because I felt no one had my back. I had to grow up and parent myself starting at a very young age. I had to figure out the world on my own. When things with my dad finally ended and she was ready to parent me, I was like “fuck you”. I was 14 years old and thought I knew everything.

So, I attribute a lot of the issues I struggle/d with to my upbringing. To not having the resources, the support, or a caregiver who could actually provide care. What about me? I never got a sorry. I got ridiculed and gaslit for being a walking trauma response as a child. No one explained that this wasn’t okay. Actually, no one really said much of anything besides getting upset when I wasn’t docile and quiet. My self-esteem is the depth of a teaspoon (but growing stronger, each day). So what about me? Where is my fucking apology? They were adults who were supposed to know better and do better.

It’s the not dealing with these issues and hiding everything until I felt like I was going to explode — that led me to make the choices I made, turning to alcohol & drugs. Like I sprinted towards them. I knew there would be consequences sure, but I didn’t see myself being where I am today. I didn’t see myself causing hurt, anguish, pain to people around me who love me. I didn’t see myself wishing for death and becoming suicidal. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone really gave a shit about me so I was free to deal however I wanted.

I see those things now. I’m uncovering more and more each day. I start to remember so many times I’ve used and forgotten about — it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It’s hard. I’m coming to terms with these choices and their consequences. No one is obliged to forgive me & I respect their boundaries. Apologies don’t erase pain. I feel embarrassed to admit these truths, because they seem ridiculous to me now. But I have to. I want to be better.

It’s hard to not think that the decisions made were entirely wrong or entirely right. That the people involved (myself included) are all good or all bad. How can I acknowledge that my childhood was difficult and shaped me as I am today, but that my choices are entirely my own? At what point, what age, is it acceptable to say I knew better but continued to choose self-destruction? How do I forgive myself?

Maybe the issue is that I’m focused on that instead of understanding how decisions & people are far more complex than an either/or. I’m struggling to reconcile these things as truth, altogether — to understand the gray.

I still have a long way to go.

28 -

Well, I feel like shit. Or rather, I feel really apathetic and hopeless and frustrated.

My close friend (my maid of honor) told me she doesn’t want to be part of the wedding or attend it. She’s ghosted me since the “ rock bottom weekend that I can’t talk about”. I’ve tried to open up the door for conversation so she can share with me how she felt and she can be heard, but she hasn’t let it budge an inch. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised - not everyone is entitled to forgive. People can say “that’s your shit, I see it & am proud of you for owning it but I want no part”. I have to respect others where they are at.

I guess I hate that she feels badly (or whatever she feels because truly she hasn’t told me) and that I had a hand in it. Frustrated that I can’t fix it. Guilt that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to have a conversation about it. Hurt that she doesn’t think having a conversation is worth it. I hate that she cared about me - that she put time, effort, and money into planning a weekend for me - and me/the situation made her regret it.

And also I feel irritated and angry that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I like to think I’m a pretty understanding person. What the fuck? Why are people so quick to write someone off and not even let them know the why.

Sounding like a true woe-is-me addict here when I say that but hey, this is my safe space for honesty.

So trying to process that. While still trying to remember to eat, drink water, sleep, not isolate. The LAST fucking thing I want to do right now is go to a meeting. But I’m going and I told a few people so they’d hold my ass accountable.

I’m struggling to remember the basics lately and it’s making me feel pessimistic.

Also, I fell asleep on my arm in a weird position and now it hurts.

I feel tempted to erase any record of me and just start over. But then I feel a sense of “but what if it turns out that no one actually cares?”.

Everyone is about as wrapped up in their head as I am. No one does care. It’s a good thing actually, takes away the spotlight effect. But it’s a bad thing, because it feels like I don’t matter. And if I don’t matter, then what’s the fucking point?

Some positivity in an effort to convince the rude voice in my head that the world isn’t ending, people don’t always leave, I’m a good person even if I don’t get it right every time, that there is a greater point and purpose to it all, that I will find self-assurance and happiness:

Still sober! Day 64.

I did opposite action today from DBT. Instead of isolating and avoiding, I shared my feelings. Now I’m going to this meeting I don’t want to go to.

I checked in with my body: took a shower, drank some water, ate some food (read: NOT candy lol)

My mom said she sees me as my own person now and respects that I make my own choices. That she’s proud of me.

Even though I have one friend who isn’t a fan of me, I have at least 5 other ones who are rooting for me.

My dog loves me and still follows me around even though I got really mad at her and made her feel bad.

I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I have enough clothes that I can choose my outfit for the day. I have socks.

Ok so vanity - my acne is pretty much gone & my skin looks great!! The pigmentation is fading.

I’m employable.

We got a beautiful apartment with floor to ceiling windows. I’m moving to a city I have always dreamed of moving to.

I get the opportunity to start over.

I’ve gained some weight and my body isn’t a skeleton any more. I don’t get vertigo every time I stand up.

I can talk myself through a craving until it passes.

I am self-aware. I am kind. I am trying to be a better person every single day. It could be worse right?

Well. That’s where I’m at. Hopefully it gets better.

Each day a little better and brighter except I really don’t feel that shit today and I’m just saying it because I have some hope it’ll work.

29 -

Update: went to the meeting and I feel a little more positive. A little more at ease. My greater She is carrying me through and I am so grateful, because sometimes I can’t do it myself.

Each day a little better and brighter - this time I mean it :)

32 -

I did something. I don’t want to admit it but I need to get this off my chest. I promised to always be honest here, if nowhere else. I got ahold of some pain pills. And now I feel anxious and guilty. I mean duh? What else did I expect?

But at the same time, I have a secret. It feels good in the way that knowing something that only you know feels good - knowledge is a private power. I feel sneaky and a little clever. There’s a rush to doing something and knowing you likely won’t get caught.

I’m so committed to my recovery. To actually sit with the hard stuff, not just numb it out. To living with integrity. To pursuing my dreams.

Or so I thought. Getting ahold of them was instinctual. I didn’t really think twice about it. Okay…not true, I debated on it for a while. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t convince myself not to. It was so easy. There was no way I could be found out. And I’d have a good time for a few hours.

Or rather, I didn’t want to think twice. I wanted them, plain and simple. I wanted to have them because I knew I could.

If I were to take them - I don’t have any intention of getting more. I wouldn’t even know where to go or who to ask. I just wanted them for a fun little afternoon. Nothing more. I’m not trying to escape my feelings or using them as a crutch. I have the capacity and tools these days to work through my problems, sober. They just feel good.

I guess I could describe it similar to non-alcoholics who want to enjoy a glass of wine while they have a quiet night in.

But I feel guilty because it’s not for the right reasons - who uses pain pills to have a “fun little afternoon”? (10 points if you guessed - an addict). And I didn’t get ahold of them in a trustworthy way. If I take them, does it count as a relapse? I don’t want to start over. If I take them, am I unwittingly taking a step down that path again? Can I really say it’s not a choice when here I am, self aware, and still making the choice anyway. They say you will always be in recovery, you can’t cure addiction.

But no one knows, except me.

It’s a decision based upon deceit and selfish intentions. Can I live with that?

I was thinking about them before I went on this trip. I knew they’d be around. If I really was committed to my recovery, then I would have taken precautions, not made plans. Right?

My recovery is still my recovery. I struggle with the idea that abstinence of all for the rest of my life, is the only option (except it is definitely for alcohol). For me - if I can understand the root of why I used to begin with, then I can identify when those feelings come up and sit with them instead of escaping. People use the high to fill a void in something. If I have a foundation of healthy coping mechanisms for negative feelings, then who’s to say I can’t have a fun little afternoon and that’s all it will be?

Or I’m just full of shit and I sound like every other addict out there trying to justify and rationalize why this will be okay. It’s a compulsion of the mind. The fact that I’m even analyzing this….I really don’t know.

33 -

I don’t regret it. I took them and I did have a fun little buzzy afternoon. I took them because I had to make a decision otherwise it would have weighed heavily on my mind. But I knew that this was how it was going to play out, even before getting them. Like I said, I made plans instead of taking precautions.

I’m so indecisive because I think very deeply about outcomes, that often I make a big decision impulsively and just live with the consequences. In a way, I’m afraid to commit.

The difference from the past, is that I was aware and consciously made this choice.

To be honest - I wanted more in the moment. It wasn’t enough. I wanted to go higher, summit the peak. To dance on the line between life and not life. The exhilaration of standing at the precipice. But that’s the thing right? It’s never enough. It will never be enough.

I woke up the next morning & had no desire to do that again.

I’m still sober from alcohol and other drugs. I don’t count it as a relapse. Some might say otherwise, but this is MY recovery. Real, raw and authentic. No hiding here. I own my decision. I am still committed to the bigger picture.

I’m not sure it was worth it. I guess I knew deep down it wouldn’t be, but I still had to do it to prove it. I couldn’t let it go (it would be a waste!). Unfortunately, I am the learn-by-experience type. And sometimes, a few experiences before it really sinks in (lol).

And so we continue on, same as before.

I have more to live for these days. I enjoy my life and I feel excited at what’s to come. I love the people I have, fiercely and selflessly. I have faith in something greater than me. Most importantly, I have faith in myself. I know I have changed. I know I will continue to change. I have humility and an open mind. Those parts of me that were a collection of tiny fragments…well, they aren’t so broken anymore.

Drugs and alcohol will not bring me the validation I seek. They will not give me purpose or increase my value. I know that. I am not that version of myself any longer.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

36 -

Dunno if I believe in “setting intentions”, seems really woo woo hokey to me but I’m going to try it. Because this new me is all open-minded and not thinking she knows best and shit.

When I originally moved away from my hometown, I desperately wanted a better life. I wanted to feel secure & whole.

But I wasn’t ready. You can’t run away from your problems & you can’t leave your pain back home.

If anything, leaving made me come face to face with the fact that I was on a path of self-destruction. That I was one version on the inside and another version which I presented to the world; living a double life.

And you know what I did to deal with the stress of that? Use more, drink more, escape more - and wonder why it wasn’t getting better. Why I wasn’t better. Why I was never enough.

It wasn’t sustainable. Slowly the facade began to crack. It always does. And I was holding her together with dollar store tape honestly.

Either I can let the flood swallow me until I drown….or I can fight to get my head above water and learn to fucking swim.

I’m grateful for the last few years because even in the face of adversity, of feeling lonely as hell — I jumped in head first to what I knew was right. Looking back, my greater She was guiding me all along :)

It just took me another few years and fucking up my life a bit more before I began to listen to her.

Today I feel grateful and excited for the future. There’s an exhilaration that comes with a fresh start. I’m giddy!!!

For this new

I have found glimmers of peace within & will always prioritize that. If something or someone disrupts that, then that is not meant for me.

I accept that I will not always have the answers. The beautiful thing about faith if that it keeps the spark of hope alive, even when things seem hopeless.

I release myself from the shame of addiction and the things I’ve done in the past. I was doing the best I could and I survived.

I live with integrity & self-respect, people pleasing is soooo 2005.

I will not change or reduce myself to fit the lens of others. The people who are meant for me will be for me, as I am.

Whatever happens, will happen. I relinquish control and trust that I am on the right path.

I refuse to see failure as a mistake or a regret, but a redirection to my true self.

I am unapologetically: high energy, empathetic, verbose, kind to a fault, goofy & eccentric.

I am more than how I look, my thoughts, or other people’s opinions of me.

I let go of any previous perceptions or self-limiting beliefs. My pain does not define me, it is simply one part of me. I am a blank white page, ready to write the next chapter.

I forgive myself for all of it.

I humbly acknowledge that I’m one tiny piece of the universe. Everyone is wrapped up in their own lives, as I am in mine. It’s not about me.

I continue to better myself every day.

I stay open-minded, approaching situations & people (including myself) without judgement and with the benefit of the doubt.

I don’t run away from my feelings but try to understand them. Feelings are just feelings, they are not always truth.

I am me. This is enough.

38 -

The urge to drink or use is so strong. I can feel my resolve weakening. I’m feeling really out of balance right now (moved halfway across the country, my dog isn’t adjusting well, not sleeping or eating well, it’s cold, just to name a few reasons) and what I would give for a glass of wine, at the very least.

That’s the thing though, it’s never just one glass. Not for me anyway. *what I would give for a bottle or 3.

What’s beautiful about sobriety is that I can recognize this out of balance feeling. I can check myself. I can feel that I want to escape my body, my life - anything to get away from the thrumming anxiety in my chest. The swirling thoughts in my brain. The fatigue, the zoning out, the apathy. I can recognize it and I can talk about it. So I did.

I know that drinking and using won’t solve my problems. I know that they will actually make everything worse, especially the anxiety. I know that this feeling - this too shall pass. I know that feelings, especially the deep scary ones, they don’t just “go away”. You can’t run from them. They’re like your shadow, always creeping behind your back unless you step completely into the light.

So yeah, I’m just kind of stuck here. Holding on by a thread. Sitting with it.

Our movers haven’t brought our stuff yet (going on 10+ days) so that’s really frustrating because I feel like I can’t get fully settled in. Feeling so much guilt that my dog isn’t adjusting well - she’s been barking her head off at every little noise and she scared the maintenance men. I know everyone says this, but she IS really sweet. Like annoyingly sweet. She loooves people and thinks she’s a 65lb lapdog. She’s just a little high strung at first. So I feel like I could have, should have done more for her as I raised her. Regret maybe. Our stuff isn’t here, so we’re living off of frozen meals and it’s throwing me off, especially because I’m picky.

Also it’s very cold. I didn’t think it would be as cold as it is, but I think it’s the extra moisture in the air - the kind of cold that seeps into your bones. Regardless, it’s breathtaking here. My skin is drinking it alllll up.

I don’t really know when drinking and using stopped being about the thrill of taking my mind elsewhere, the novelty of doing something new - something bad. Having a secret. At some point, it became what I needed. I couldn’t handle a single fucking feeling on my own. Happiness or sadness, it was all too much. When did I stop being able to handle anything sober? When did I stop recognizing myself?

There’s this moody, speakeasy type bar down the street and I keep thinking how easy it would be to slip away and get my fix, no one has to know.

But then I’d be lying to everyone. More importantly, I’d be lying to myself.

So, I’m trying to hang in there even though it’s so damn hard. I think I’ll go to a meeting. I think I’ll meditate on my greater She - surrender again to Her plan. Remember I am not in control, relieve myself of the burden.

Faith is funny. It’s not like one day you just wake up and *poof* have it - as I’m learning. It’s a conscious choice every day, to surrender. How easy it is to forget that…

I’m hitting 90 days on Monday & I won’t throw it all away just because of stress. I’m the woman in the arena, always. I can do hard things.

Each day a little better and brighter.

66 -

We’re back at day 4 of no booze. I caved at the two-week mark. Nothing wild but also as I sipped I realized a few things:

• I stopped after a few sips because it wasn’t the relief I was looking for. Short term feeling - but the long term impending doom sense switched on.

• Immediate gratification is great, obviously. But working at something, sitting with it - it’s not supposed to relieve the feeling per se, but show you how to manage it. How to live life while carrying it. The more we sit with our feelings, the stronger the resilience we build.

• There’s nothing wrong with me if my energy is low or my mood is off

• I will not genuinely be able to understand myself & my feelings/mood cycles if they are constantly warped through the use of substances.

• Everything goes back to the breath

• Not prioritizing my basic needs means that I’ll overcompensate in other areas

• It’s okay if I don’t buy into AA - I think, as with everything, you take what you need and leave what doesn’t resonate. Not everything will. But in my experience, there’s an underlying “pressure” to follow the way they tell you and make it your life. However, I think some of the principles they teach have been eye opening and have really helped me. It feels safe to wear my shame in those rooms.

• Every time I “fail”, I learn something from it. Leaning into failing = more knowledge.

• Sometimes all I need to do is get out of my head and into my body. I should really stretch more

• Remember the bigger picture of your life

That’s all. We keep going.

68 -

I drank again. Still drinking. I know it’s bad. I’ll save all of the justifications.

My husband said “I need you to stop drinking”.

And I got angry. Like who the hell is he to tell me HE NEEDS ME to stop drinking? As if I don’t already know that. As if I don’t need ME to stop drinking. As if I didn’t raise myself this whole time and this is how I made it through. As if I don’t already hate myself for this.

I know it’s the addict in me getting defensive but..it’s hard.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

72 -

Random brain dump:

I am not great at school. Mostly because I struggle with consistency. In like…every aspect of my life. I’m smart, I test quickly & well. But I have a hard time staying focused, I get distracted & my sense of time is so warped. I think I walk around half disassociated all the time.

Also like…school is such a TASK *yawn*

So yes, I have ADHD.

I have been on a stimulant medication now for a few months At first, it turned the 10 channels in my head down to 2. The noise got quiet. It was amazing.

Now I think I’ve adjusted. I’m struggling again. I feel like I’m going crazy and have dementia at 30.

•

I really wanted to impress my final teacher. And well, I don’t think I did. She’s tough.

Today though, she told me that I’ve really pulled it together the last few weeks with my focus and being present. She knows I care and is proud of me.

This is going to sound terrible but because I already feel insecure about her “liking” me, I don’t feel like this was genuine. I am having trouble accepting it.

^ there’s my bitchy little twit (BLT) of a trauma voice trying to convince me I suck.

•

The pendulum swings between extremes before it reaches equilibrium. I’ve swung from a severe people pleaser to speaking my mind completely, anyone be damned.

Erm….it’s made a couple of things awkward. So like let’s hurry up and find my new comfort level with this.

I realized lately that while I may be all like “let me look deep into myself and come to terms with/embrace all of my shame and wear it proudly because that takes away its power to control me blah blah”- not everyone is there yet.

Whether they want to get there or not, how they get there, etc….none of my business.

I try really hard to stay in my own lane and worry about myself mostly. But it’s hard because I still feel the claws of my BLT trying to pull me back into the land of insecure misery lol

Sometimes I pretend I’m actually just an actor in a lifelong biopic and actually, it does help. Because then I realize how ludicrous almost everything is.

•

My moral alignment is chaotic neutral and I feel like it really defines me and I’m not ashamed of it.

Having a solid sense of understanding and identity is my #1 priority right now.

Idk ya’ll. I think I may like myself. Uh oh…shit. I might get all healed and take over the world!!!!! Watch out

•

A friend told me recently how he could see how I could be extremely easy to love but incredibly hard to deal with.

I was dying to ask for him to explain exactly what they meant and how/why he thinks this. Hi, I’m insecure.

But I held my tongue. Unsure as to why. Sense of pride or protection? I find myself holding in my thoughts much more frequently these days.

I guess subconsciously, I am more selective now about who I share myself with.

People are exhausting and honestly? I have worked/am working really hard to improve myself.

I will no longer give away pieces of myself with no regard or care.

Not sure what to make of it. I mean, he’s probably right. I can be a lot. Sometimes I swear I disassociate and I watch a version of me running full speed until my batteries run out

And all the while I’m banging on the glass like “Stop!!!!!!”

My brain hurts often.

•

I will try to stay positive and breathe through the tough moments.

Made it through Day 1. Again.

78 -

I feel stuck, between who I used to be and who I want to be.

It’s funny, I thought that I was better than the substance - I didn’t think I would get addicted in complete honesty. I thought I had full control.

I did. At first.. But somewhere along the ride, it was easier to jump in the passenger seat and let things unfold.

I feel very alone in my struggle. In the sense that it’s like I’m slowly waking up to my life as it has become in the last few years of full blown mindless addiction.

Addiction is lonely, but it’ll trick you into thinking you have all the friends in the world.

People don’t wait around for you to fix all your problems and finally start realizing your potential. They’ve got lives to live and shit to do!

The ones that do wait around, hold them so so close.

I’ve got a few irrational and unhelpful ruminating thoughts in my head. I’m actually trying to tell them “no”. It feels stupid, but in my head I literally have to go “This is not productive. I need more evidence for this thought. I will just worry about tangible problems in front of me and not be anxious until I need to be”

You know how lame I feel doing that? I just want to roll my eyes at myself. *rolls eyes*

But it’s also working. LIKE I AM DOING IT PEOPLE, I am rewiring the brain!! You’re seeing it live! Grab some popcorn and enjoy the show because I am about to evolve into someone really fucking great!!!

Feeling like I’m failing at everything or that I’m delusional or that I am going about this (life) all wrong. Worried constantly about what others think about me. Trying to be ~zen~ and trust in what I am doing.

Holding space for these feelings and carrying them with me while still living my life. Embracing that I won’t feel this way forever and that it’s normal to go through periods of doubt & insecurity.

What a concept!!!

Friendly reminder to myself - if you are spending all this time worrying about your life & yourself, imagine that everyone is probably doing the same about their lives and selves. They don’t have time to be thinking about that cringe comment I made!

An affirmation for me lately: I welcome however my life unfolds because I trust in my ability to be resilient, kind, and persevere.

Not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay too!!!! I am not less than!

Here’s a thought.. Maybe they’re the asshole?

Blah blah BLAH BLAH.

Each day is a new day. Some days are better and brighter. Some days, not so much. But each day is just one little piece of it all. And I want to live these days. At least for a little longer.