Neverluckygoldfish - Chaotic Neutral

22 -

I’ve been feeling really heavy the past few days. Uncomfortable in my body. Something has triggered a deep wound in me — there’s shame, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear, and doubt all pouring out. I’ve been questioning everything. I’ve am exhausted. I don’t want to drink or use, but I do want to turn off my mind.

I’ve been told that I think about things too deeply. I do. Everything has meaning!!!!! I could find symbolism in a lampshade if I tried.

In therapy today, my therapist recommended I watch a movie: Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot. It’s about an alcoholic who suffers a terrible accident & his journey towards sobriety and salvation.

So, I watched the movie. There was a scene in the the movie that resonated with me.

I think the little girl in me hoped that one day, I would have that great epiphany and everything would be fine for the rest of time. One day, it would all be better and I wouldn’t feel pain, or sadness, or fear anymore - as if, I’d become like Buddha and accept everything that happens to me wisely with no attachment. I guess I thought sobriety would give that to me. I know that’s naive and idealistic, I feel very vulnerable admitting it….but it’s true. I realize that life will never be like that. It’s continuously riding the ebbs and flows (supposedly this is the beauty of life). This makes me very sad.

And I realize that I have to let this shit go. Whatever I’m holding on to, I need to let. it. go.

But I can’t. Or I won’t? I don’t know. Why am I holding on to this ideal, why can’t I accept that I’ve made mistakes, why can’t I forgive myself?

Logically, I can think it out. I can understand my intentions and motives for the decisions I’ve made. So I should be able to accept it and release it, right? I’ve asked the questions, I’ve found the answers.

I am also struggling with surrendering to my greater She. Fuck, I forgot about her for a little bit there. Oops my b sis.

I don’t think I’m making any sense at all.

I feel stuck.

Each day, a little better and brighter. Except today.

23 -

Lately: been sick as a dog. I hate the flu.

With that being said, I also recently blew up my entire life….in a good way ;)

I have dreamed of settling down in the PNW my entire life. And no, not because I read twilight. My soul has felt at home in the moody gray, the greenery, the culture. I had plans to do so in the next two years. But life happens (as it does) and now I’m moving in 4 weeks!! Holy shit. It feels surreal.

Do I feel like this is a totally bonkers idea? Maybe. Probably. But I don’t care because everything in me is screaming “hell yes” towards this opportunity.

It’s a big change but I feel grateful because I don’t have an urge to drink or use (wild). It’s stress, but the good kind lol.

They say don’t make any major life changes your first year in recovery….but I’ve never been good at listening anyway.

I turn 30 next year. I’m new in recovery, a newlywed, no house or real assets, barely a retirement savings, no kids (except my dog is my child and you can’t convince me otherwise), a little money in the bank, unemployed (making a career change nonetheless), and jumping into this wild change, headfirst. This is not how I pictured 30 haha.

But something I’ve come to admire about myself is my resilience. If I have ever been unhappy with my situation or desired something - I have set my sights on it and fixed/gotten it. Maybe I did it the hard way and maybe I’m (often) too stubborn to listen to advice, but I did it. No looking back. A pro of being selfish. I have never been afraid to take a bold risk, to dare greatly.

Age is just a number baby! Unless it’s less than 18.

I’ve struggled to connect with my greater She lately - once again, I’m trying to control every aspect of my life. To race against some perceived idea that I’m running out of time. That I have wasted all this time with my issues. That I’m behind.

Maybe that’s why I’m sick? If signs are real, I’ll take this as one that I need to SLOW tf down and surrender.

A friend recently told me “it sounds like you are building recovery around your life when you should be building your life around recovery”. It got me thinking. It made me pause….she’s so right. I think it’s an easy trap to fall into. Once things are good, I just race to the next thing. My foundation is fragile right now. What I do, my attitude - it determines my perspective. It sets a precedent moving forward.

I want to let go of the old me: insecure, approval seeking, people pleasing, melancholy, secretive, controlling, perfectionist. I welcome the new me who sees challenges as an adventure, who is kind not only to others but most importantly, to herself. Who lives a fulfilling life and finds joy in the stillness of every day. Who isn’t afraid to chase her dreams. Who trusts in her own capabilities. Who says fuck the haters (lol, but literally).

I am the woman in the arena. Forever.

I needed that reminder.

So yeah, big move but I am so ready. It feels like a fresh start. Also the little kid in me is like “omg eeeeee!!!!!! Check, life dream accomplished”. Energy is on overload lol.

I’m in a good headspace and at a point in my life where I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m not chasing what’s not meant for me. I’m releasing my shame. I’m learning to forgive myself. I’m staying present. I am becoming proud of the person I was / the person I am.

It’s never too late to start over. Everything can be fun, it’s all dependent on perspective. I welcome the next few months and all the adventures ahead!!!

I have faith in my intuition - my greater She. She has led me here.

Each day, a little better and brighter.

NORMALIZE TALKING HIGHLY ABOUT YOURSELF

Do what’s best for your soul. Fuck anything else.

stop fearing your own power

you were never made to doubt yourself

there’s nothing to fear

do all things with assurance

claim your highest

be your greatest