25 -

25 -

I’ve realized there’s a beautiful quiet to solitude. Drowning out the noise.

Yes: the ever present chatter of the city, the neighborhood, the trees all around me.

But also the sound of others’: expectations, opinions, influences. We are inundated with these from the moment we drink our first sips of air. Our families, friends, the media all around us have shaped our current perspective of the world. The narrative of our experiences are processed through the lens of those beliefs. Our experiences are the fabric of our lives. And so it goes on.

It is rare to have a thought that is entirely your own.

When I first realized this, it frightened me. Who am I, really?

It take solitude, listening to the quiet whispers of my soul - to know what truly gives me peace.

Who am I when no one is around?

What are my desires when no one is there to validate them?

How would I direct the course of my own narrative?

On my last day, on my last breath - what would I remember?

Be still and listen.

I’ve made wishes on every 11:11 and all that’s ever happened is the clock changed to 11:12.

22 -

I’ve been feeling really heavy the past few days. Uncomfortable in my body. Something has triggered a deep wound in me — there’s shame, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear, and doubt all pouring out. I’ve been questioning everything. I’ve am exhausted. I don’t want to drink or use, but I do want to turn off my mind.

I’ve been told that I think about things too deeply. I do. Everything has meaning!!!!! I could find symbolism in a lampshade if I tried.

In therapy today, my therapist recommended I watch a movie: Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot. It’s about an alcoholic who suffers a terrible accident & his journey towards sobriety and salvation.

So, I watched the movie. There was a scene in the the movie that resonated with me.

I think the little girl in me hoped that one day, I would have that great epiphany and everything would be fine for the rest of time. One day, it would all be better and I wouldn’t feel pain, or sadness, or fear anymore - as if, I’d become like Buddha and accept everything that happens to me wisely with no attachment. I guess I thought sobriety would give that to me. I know that’s naive and idealistic, I feel very vulnerable admitting it….but it’s true. I realize that life will never be like that. It’s continuously riding the ebbs and flows (supposedly this is the beauty of life). This makes me very sad.

And I realize that I have to let this shit go. Whatever I’m holding on to, I need to let. it. go.

But I can’t. Or I won’t? I don’t know. Why am I holding on to this ideal, why can’t I accept that I’ve made mistakes, why can’t I forgive myself?

Logically, I can think it out. I can understand my intentions and motives for the decisions I’ve made. So I should be able to accept it and release it, right? I’ve asked the questions, I’ve found the answers.

I am also struggling with surrendering to my greater She. Fuck, I forgot about her for a little bit there. Oops my b sis.

I don’t think I’m making any sense at all.

I feel stuck.

Each day, a little better and brighter. Except today.

24 -

I feel an itch to run away and start over. New identity, new personality, new life. I’m not attached to who I am or the things/people in my life. Maybe that’s a testament to my upbringing. Or maybe it’s the drugs/alcohol fucking with my brain and creating a fractured sense of self.

I believe that inherently, we have desires and values that guide us. However, as life changes so do we. We evolve.

I don’t want to be rooted down.

I want to fly far away, into the ether.

I feel this itch all. the. time.

I know you can’t run away from your problems because they are inside of you (for the most part). I’ve learned this the hard way.

But, I want to close the door on my life as it is and start fresh. I’m done being who I was - full of shame and no self-esteem.

From now on, I am not apologizing for my existence. I will confidently and assertively reap what is mine. If I make a mistake along the way, I have enough humility and self awareness to hold myself accountable.

I give myself grace to stumble, knowing I have the resilience to pick myself up and keep moving forward.

I have many great qualities and I have blinders, character defenses if you will. I am a human being.

I’m going to stop “waiting for my life to happen” because it is happening. Right now.

NORMALIZE TALKING HIGHLY ABOUT YOURSELF

Shit is going to happen.

Your friend is going to ghost you. You are not going to get the job. Your car is going to break down at the worst time. Your boss is going to have unrealistic demands and deadlines. Your basement is going to flood.

Life hurts.

No matter how recovered you are. No matter how stable you are. No matter how much you excel at using your toolbox of strategies.

Life hurts.

You are not going to go through it being a happy little bean all of the time.

So, don’t put that pressure on yourself.

If you do, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. You’ll fear that you’re slipping, experiencing a setback, losing your recovery, when the negative emotions come.

Instead, the more you heal, the better you get at coping with this all too painful thing called life, the less hard those moments will hit. Oh, they will still hit, they will still suck, but they won’t suck for as long or as much. You’ll see the other side of them and know happiness is waiting there for you again.