25 -

25 -

I’ve realized there’s a beautiful quiet to solitude. Drowning out the noise.

Yes: the ever present chatter of the city, the neighborhood, the trees all around me.

But also the sound of others’: expectations, opinions, influences. We are inundated with these from the moment we drink our first sips of air. Our families, friends, the media all around us have shaped our current perspective of the world. The narrative of our experiences are processed through the lens of those beliefs. Our experiences are the fabric of our lives. And so it goes on.

It is rare to have a thought that is entirely your own.

When I first realized this, it frightened me. Who am I, really?

It take solitude, listening to the quiet whispers of my soul - to know what truly gives me peace.

Who am I when no one is around?

What are my desires when no one is there to validate them?

How would I direct the course of my own narrative?

On my last day, on my last breath - what would I remember?

Be still and listen.

22 -

I’ve been feeling really heavy the past few days. Uncomfortable in my body. Something has triggered a deep wound in me — there’s shame, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment, fear, and doubt all pouring out. I’ve been questioning everything. I’ve am exhausted. I don’t want to drink or use, but I do want to turn off my mind.

I’ve been told that I think about things too deeply. I do. Everything has meaning!!!!! I could find symbolism in a lampshade if I tried.

In therapy today, my therapist recommended I watch a movie: Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot. It’s about an alcoholic who suffers a terrible accident & his journey towards sobriety and salvation.

So, I watched the movie. There was a scene in the the movie that resonated with me.

I think the little girl in me hoped that one day, I would have that great epiphany and everything would be fine for the rest of time. One day, it would all be better and I wouldn’t feel pain, or sadness, or fear anymore - as if, I’d become like Buddha and accept everything that happens to me wisely with no attachment. I guess I thought sobriety would give that to me. I know that’s naive and idealistic, I feel very vulnerable admitting it….but it’s true. I realize that life will never be like that. It’s continuously riding the ebbs and flows (supposedly this is the beauty of life). This makes me very sad.

And I realize that I have to let this shit go. Whatever I’m holding on to, I need to let. it. go.

But I can’t. Or I won’t? I don’t know. Why am I holding on to this ideal, why can’t I accept that I’ve made mistakes, why can’t I forgive myself?

Logically, I can think it out. I can understand my intentions and motives for the decisions I’ve made. So I should be able to accept it and release it, right? I’ve asked the questions, I’ve found the answers.

I am also struggling with surrendering to my greater She. Fuck, I forgot about her for a little bit there. Oops my b sis.

I don’t think I’m making any sense at all.

I feel stuck.

Each day, a little better and brighter. Except today.

— Sunrise, by Louise Glück

stop fearing your own power

you were never made to doubt yourself

there’s nothing to fear

do all things with assurance

claim your highest

be your greatest

Do what’s best for your soul. Fuck anything else.

You Look Good :)