So If There's A Merperson (maybe With A Seahorse Tail), Can They Be Vored On Friday Or Are They Not Fishy

So if there's a merperson (maybe with a seahorse tail), can they be vored on Friday or are they not fishy enough? And is it wrong to vore an mpregged merman? Or is it only wrong to vore them once they've gotten to the trimester where they're displaying seahorse mannerisms?

Also, if you vore mpreg seahorse Jesus, does he burst out of you like an alien after three days?

Tumblr is trying so hard not to let me post the funniest lent picture I've ever seen but I don't give up easy

okay but none of you are asking the real questions

Are any of these monkeys the same monkey that keeps terrorizing that poor weasel all around the cobbler's bench? Absolute weapon menace.

And don't you even try to tell me, "Oh, it's a weasel, they deserve it." Fuck you, don't be weaselist. You try going "POP" at the end of every verse, then tell me how being a weasel is.

honestly dni and unfollow me if you support mama after all she's done. she literally has consulted medical professionals over and over and refused to change her behavior re: those under her care. she LITERALLY called the doctor, MORE THAN ONCE, and the doctor very fucking clearly said no more monkeys jumping on the bed. and what happens five fucking seconds later every single time

Your Narf is My Drug

The mice have driven me so insane, I wrote a fic with a Kesha parody about it.

It's to the tune of "Your Love is My Drug."

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Brain sits amidst the smoking debris of his latest plan.)

Brain: This is a hot mess we’ve gotten into.

Pinky: (sing-songily) Look at all the shinies! (tosses broken pieces into the air and hops around underneath them as they fall on his head) Zounds, Brain! I caught them all! (laughs hysterically)

Brain: (glares, folds arms) Speaking of hot messes….

(Brain’s vision suddenly turns to slow-motion. He takes in the gliding of Pinky’s supple limbs, Pinky’s lithesome hips swirling like the spirals of Brain’s hypnosis machines. The wreckage rain reflects the light in such a way that Pinky glows to rival the Pleiades.)

Brain: Emphasis on hot….Egad, what am I thinking?! This is preposterous! This is absurd! This is….

(He clutches at his head, as if that would quell the desire flaring up like so many bunsen burners. He finally breaks down at the pile of smashed electronics.)

Brain: Will you never cease that infernal buzzing?! (pounds wickle mousey fists on table)

(The rhythmic buzzing from the broken contraption starts to arrange itself into a poppy synth bassline. The pounding of Brain’s fists on the table provides the beat.)

(First verse) Brain: I feel like Captain Ahab; I’m too sunken in the deep. Emotional repression Is losing me all my sleep.

There’s no time to dilly-dally; My world domination calls. I’m stuck with this dishy dope and Hearing him spew his spurtive squalls!

(Pre-chorus) Our two fates are intertwined; What far-off planets have aligned? This novel factor’s undefined. I can’t get Pinky off my mind!

(Chorus) His narf, his narf, his narf Stole my heart. His narf, his narf, his narf. I say, his narf, his narf, his narf Stole my heart. His narf, his narf, his narf.

(Second verse) His cranium’s harder than gneiss; I’m telling him everything thrice. My mind and heart in vises: I can chart this diacrisis.

I can’t resist his whimsy. All my defenses, flimsy. My schemes will surely be impacted If I go on being so damn distracted!

(Pre-chorus) Our two fates are intertwined; What far-off planets have aligned? This sequence is not my design. I can’t get Pinky off my mind!

(Chorus) His narf, his narf, his narf Stole my heart. His narf, his narf, his narf. I say, his narf, his narf, his narf Stole my heart. His narf, his narf, his narf.

(Bridge) I must fight to gain control, But every hour takes its toll. I try so hard to keep my cool But still I fall for this fine fool!

(Pinky comes in, twirling glow sticks. He has painted geometric shapes on himself with non-toxic mouse safe glow-in-the-dark body paint. When he turns around, Brain can see that Pinky has somehow painted a neon yellow line down his own back, ending in a neon pink heart over his butt.)

Pinky: Braaiiiin~ Just a suggestion…. Why don’t we have a bath in some warm salad dressing? Does that sound like some silly-willy fun-fun? Is my fjord your drug? POIT! Your drug? ZORT! Your drug? NARF! Your drug? Is my—FJORD!—your drug?

Brain: No! Pinky, you’ll get us copyright-stricken!

(Chorus) Oh, Brain! My narf, my narf, my narf Stole your heart! My narf, my narf, my narf! You said my narf, my narf, my narf Stole your heart! My narf, my narf, my narf!

You said my zort, my zort, my zort Is your drug! My zort, my zort, my zort! You said my zort, my zort, my zort Is your drug! My zort, my zort, my zort!

(The buzzing synth line stops.)

Braaiiiiin~ Brainy-cakes… (flirty giggle) Sooooo… (delirious laughter) My narf, my narf, my narf, my narf, is your drug. I like your tail.

(A giant “DMCA” falls on Brain’s head. He crawls out from underneath it, looking especially worse for wear.)

Brain: I suspect this comedown will be particularly hard.

-O-o-O-o-O-

The abyss is quite inviting if you gaze long enough.

hey I have an idea

Jolene, but what if....

It's Julia

mfw I find myself writing a scene in which Pinky is gleefully chugging a thimble of goat's blood because he's pregnant with a demon (who will grow up to look and act like Dark Pinky and probably try to seduce Brain while impersonating Pinky) due to one of Brain's world domination schemes while Brain watches in horror and fascination

how many times will I inflict this Gabrielle's Hope-ass plot on a male character I like

You Got Played: Bandit Keith Howard Must Die Inside (Part Five of Five)

In which I turn a Yu-Gi-Oh fic into a cheesy teen movie (that most teens wouldn't even be allowed into without a fake ID).

Part one is here. Part two is here. Part three is here. Part four is here.

This fic contains: Teen!me laboring under the delusion that Bandit Keith is the same age as Yugi and company; song lyrics inserted into the prose; mpreg (bonus “even pregnancy of the male variety does not work that way” content); Bandit Keith being a prick; all the characters are kind of idiots; author’s notes to give track listings; cheating; terrible OC; terrible OC slut-shames Kaiba; Noah Kaiba somehow being alive and bizarrely invested in his brother’s romantic life; Yami/Atem is corporeal for some reason; artistic liberties taken with medical technology

-O-o-O-o-O-

Meanwhile, Kyra had her own plan.

Kyra didn’t care that Keith had sex with Kaiba; hell, she had cheated a few times, too. But for Kaiba to just steal Keith from her like that—that was completely unacceptable by her standards. She wasn’t going to let any trenchcoat-wearing, Blue Eyes White Dragon-loving freak steal her man.

So that afternoon, when she spotted Kaiba walking down the street, little brother in tow, she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him into an area surrounded by bushes and trees. Mokuba saw her grab Kaiba and followed them.

“What the hell?!” Kaiba exclaimed. As Kyra stopped dragging him, he tripped and ended up on the ground. Kyra looked down at him as if she was an arrogant princess and he was a lowly peasant.

‘No matter what you do, He’ll never wanna be with you. He’s into what he’s got (and that’s me), He loves me, He loves you not.’ (author's note: He Loves You Not - Dream)

Kaiba got up, brushed his clothes off, and glared at Kyra.

Kyra had heard Kaiba’s outburst about Keith cheating. She didn’t appreciate Kaiba’s attempt to get his man back.

“What is your problem?!” Kaiba shouted.

“I don’t appreciate you moving in on my man,” Kyra said, evilly, yet seductively.

“What?! He cheated on me with you!” Kaiba retorted.

Kyra shook her head. “Kaiba, you’re so wrong, you’re right. Don’t you realize that Keith never thought of you as a boyfriend? He looks at you as a whore.”

“Don’t call me a prostitute.” Kaiba’s voice got low and threatening, which would be pretty freaking scary if he snuck up on you in a dark alley. “I don’t go sleeping around with everyone and I didn’t get paid for what I did.”

“Well, I’m not gonna let a whore like you steal my boyfriend just because your damn condom popped!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, maybe you should because I had him first!” Kaiba retorted.

“That’s a heaping pile of bullshit! I had him first! I’ve had him for a whole month!” Kyra shouted.

Kaiba’s eyes went wide. Kyra sensed weakness and went in for the kill.

“So, how long have you been dating Keith, Kaiba?” Kyra asked.

Kaiba said nothing.

“Come on, Kaiba, tell me how long you two dated!” Kyra pressed, still smiling evilly.

“That is none of your business, Kyra,” Kaiba growled.

“Why don’t I go ask Keith myself? I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell me how long you two dated. Or should I ask Noah? And he’ll surely want to hear what you did with Keith after he tells me, won’t he?” Kyra taunted.

Kaiba turned red. “Do not test me, Kyra.”

“Then tell me how long you and Keith dated, damn it!”

“We dated for two weeks. Then he started to ignore me.”

“I knew it! I knew he couldn’t have been with you for that long! He only stayed with you long enough to get in your pants, which, since you’re such a whore, obviously wasn’t long!” Kyra laughed evilly.

“Hold up!” Mokuba walked into the clearing. “I don’t know much about this whole situation, but it seems like you two are getting mad at each other for no reason. I mean, you didn’t know that Seto was dating Keith. And Seto didn’t know that you were dating Keith. It seems to me that the real bad guy here is Bandit Keith. He played both of you like Nintendo 64.”

Kaiba and Kyra looked at each other, in silence, for a moment. Finally Kaiba spoke. “What do you propose we do about it, Mokuba?”

“I propose that you play him back.”

-O-o-O-

A few minutes later, Keith was walking through the park when he saw the most repulsive thing ever (in his opinion).

Kaiba and Kyra were French-kissing on a bench.

“What the fuck is this?!” Keith shouted when he saw them.

Kaiba and Kyra looked up at Keith, then turned back to each other and continued kissing.

“Don’t you turn away from me!” Keith pulled Kyra off of Kaiba. “What the fuck are you doing with my girlfriend, Kaiba?!”

“We’re kissing. Couldn’t you tell?” Kaiba deadpanned.

“Kaiba, there are a million other girls in Domino. Why’d you have to choose my girlfriend?!”

“He chose me because we’re both tired of getting played by you,” Kyra answered.

“What?!” Keith tried to play dumb.

“Don’t act like you don’t know, Bandit Keith. You made both of us believe that we were the only one you were dating. You just wanted to get in both of our pants and feel like you were some kind of sex king for it,” Kaiba said.

“But why are you complaining, Kaiba? You know you liked it,” Keith said, trying to grab Kaiba’s butt again. Kaiba not only pulled away violently, but kicked Keith off of himself. Keith grabbed Kaiba and, before Kaiba could do anything about it, he began to kiss Kaiba on the lips. Kaiba pulled away and spat on the ground.

“You taste like shit!” Kaiba shouted.

Keith only laughed at this. “I love it when you’re nasty, Kaiba. You’re so sexy when you’re mad.”

“Then I must be really sexy now, because you’re really pissing me off!” Mokuba had to hold Kaiba back before Kaiba could cause any bodily harm to Keith.

Then Kyra turned to Keith. “Y’know, you’re a real pig. First, you cheated on me. Then, you tricked Kaiba into sleeping with you and you treat him like a cheap whore. Then you plan to dump him when he’s having your kid. Pardon my French, but you’re an asswipe!” Kyra shouted.

“Well, you shouldn’t be complaining either. You’re a whole lot hotter than Kaiba, so I’ll always come back to you,” Keith said smugly.

“Not this time, Keith! You know that little thing between you and me that’s called a relationship? Yeah, about that: it’s over!” Kyra shouted.

Keith’s jaw dropped at least two inches. Kaiba walked over to him.

“Bandit Keith, if you play with fire, you just might get burned,” Kaiba said.

-O-o-O-

After Keith had walked off, stupefied by what Kaiba and Kyra did, Mokuba, Kaiba, and Kyra shared a victory high-five.

“That was so great! You two really put Keith in his place!” Mokuba cheered.

“We sure did,” Kaiba said.

“Kaiba, I’m sorry I called you a whore. I didn’t mean it, you’re really not a bad guy,” Kyra said.

“It’s okay,” Kaiba said. “And I’m sorry I almost stole your boyfriend.”

“It’s okay, you didn’t know he was dating me.”

As Kyra turned to leave, she said, “And you’re not a bad kisser either.”

Kaiba blushed. “Thanks.”

Later that day, Kaiba was walking down the street, alone. He was happy that he had put Keith in his place, but he was sad that Keith wouldn’t ever want to be with him. A part of him hated Keith and wanted him to drop off the face of the earth, yet another part of him wanted Keith to come back and take responsibility for his actions.

“What am I supposed to do with his child? I can’t raise it all by myself,” Kaiba thought. “And why would Keith want to do what he did? Why would he just take my virginity, then dump me like that? How could I be so stupid?!”

‘How you gonna up and leave me now? How you gonna act like that? How you gonna change it up? We just finished making up. How you gonna act like that?’

Kaiba reached his home. He went up to his room and lay down.

‘How you gonna act like we don’t be making love? You know we be tearing it up, breaking stuff, and getting rough. How you gonna trip, How can you forget? How you gonna act like that?’ (author's note: How You Gonna Act Like That - Tyrese)

Mokuba went into Kaiba’s room. He found Kaiba lying on the bed, staring into space.

“I can’t believe Noah was right, Mokuba. I acted like such a pompous idiot. He kept trying to warn me and I wouldn’t listen,” Kaiba whispered.

“Seto, you’re not an idiot. You were just being protective of your boyfriend because you loved him. It’s not your fault that Keith was a low-down cheater. You deserve someone better than him, anyway, so forget about him,” Mokuba said.

“But how can I forget about him?! I’m having his kid!” Kaiba growled.

“Don’t worry, Seto, we’ll figure something out. Everything will be okay,” Mokuba said, hugging Kaiba.

Noah heard their conversation and entered the room. “Are you okay in here?”

“Noah, you were right. I should’ve listened to you when you said that Keith was cheating on me. I’m a jerk,” Kaiba said.

“No, you’re not a jerk. I didn’t want to be right. I just didn’t want you to get hurt. I only wanted you to be happy,” Noah said.

Kaiba’s exhaled heavily. “Thanks,” he said, starting to smile again.

“But you say you’re having Keith’s child. How can you break up with him?” Mokuba asked.

Noah took a second to recover from this shocking news, then he responded, “He can’t, Mokuba. I’m going to go to Bandit Keith and force him to take responsibility for what he did.”

“You can’t do that, Noah. He’ll only end up cheating again,” Kaiba said.

Then, Mokuba thought of something that changed everything. “What if it’s not Keith’s?” he mused to himself.

He didn’t realize that Noah had heard him. “What did you say?”

Mokuba realized that he had said it out loud. “Uh, nothing?”

“It’s okay, Mokuba, he’d find out sooner or later, and I’d rather it be sooner than later,” Kaiba said. “I did it with Yugi, too.”

Noah stared at Kaiba in shock. “Did it ever occur to you that it could be Yugi’s child?”

“No, it didn’t. Because I started getting the symptoms after I did it with Keith. It couldn’t be Yugi’s kid,” Kaiba stated.

“Well, just to be sure, I’m taking you to the doctor to find out,” Noah said.

Due to amazing advances in technology (and the fact that this is just a fictional story), a machine had been invented so an expectant mother could tell who the father of the child was. All they would need was a sample of Yugi’s DNA.

They had their sample; it was a few strands of Yugi’s hair, taken from Kaiba’s trenchcoat. They knew it was Yugi’s hair because it was tri-colored and they made sure it was Yugi’s and not Yami’s.

“I’m telling you, it’s not Yugi’s child. You’re wasting your time, Noah,” Kaiba said, as they went to the doctor.

“I just want to be sure, Seto,” Noah said.

After the test, the doctor showed them the results. “Seto Kaiba, I have determined that the father of your baby is Yugi.”

“I knew it,” Noah thought.

“I can’t believe it,” Kaiba thought.

That night, Kaiba reflected on the events of the day, as he lay in bed. He had put his cheating boyfriend in his place, successfully broken the news about his situation to Noah, and found out who the true father of his child was.

“But will Yugi even look at me after I ran off yesterday? I bet he’s already moved on. He thinks that it’s Keith’s child. He probably thinks I’m a freak. That Blue Eyes underwear was a little weird,” Kaiba thought.

As Kaiba drifted off to sleep, he thought, “Where do I go from here?”

-O-o-O-

The next evening, Yugi decided to go to the park to listen to music. It was a nice, quiet day. The setting sun painted the sky brilliant shades of red and violet. Yugi listened to his portable tape player, admiring the nature while running through the park.

Kaiba, who had decided to stop moping around the house and go outside, was walking through the park, too. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice the sunset that much.

It was getting dark. Yugi was wearing black as he walked toward Kaiba. Kaiba didn’t see Yugi and Yugi wasn’t really watching where he was going. The two ran smack into each other, knocking them both over.

“Oh, crap! I’m so sorry, Kaiba!” Yugi exclaimed, running over to help Kaiba up.

“Yugi, we’ve gotta stop meeting like this,” Kaiba said, smiling as he got up.

“I keep knocking you off your feet,” Yugi commented.

“In more ways than one,” Kaiba thought silently. He said out loud, “Yugi, I have to tell you something.”

Yugi looked up with interest. “So do I.”

“I love you, Yugi,” Kaiba said quickly.

Yugi stared at Kaiba. “That’s certainly different.”

“If you don’t love me back, I’ll understand,” Kaiba said, turning away.

“No, I do. That’s what I wanted to tell you. I love you, too,” Yugi said.

“Really?” Kaiba asked.

“Really,” Yugi answered.

Yugi and Kaiba hugged.

“Yugi, I have something else to tell you. I’m pregnant with your child,” Kaiba said.

“But, I thought it was Keith’s child,” Yugi said.

“No. I was wrong. It’s yours,” Kaiba said.

“Then, maybe we can get married,” Yugi said.

They sat down on a bench.

“Do you wanna listen to music?” Yugi asked.

“Sure,” Kaiba answered.

Yugi took out the tape player, put a tape in, pressed play.

As they listened to the music, Yugi remembered something that had happened in PE class. “Remember in PE when we had to learn the tango?”

Kaiba chuckled. “It was disastrous. The teacher paired us up and I was too tall to dance with you properly.”

“And I kept stepping on your feet,” Yugi added.

They listened to the music for a while. Suddenly, a song came on that got their attention.

‘Watch the band, Through a bunch of dancers. Quickly, Follow the unknown.’

“Our song is playing,” Yugi joked. “Let’s dance.”

“You think our dancing will be any better?” Kaiba asked.

“Well, I’ve gotten taller and I’ll try not to step on your feet,” Yugi said. “Let’s try the tango.”

“You don’t wanna do such a dance with me. I can’t,” Kaiba said.

“You’ll be fine,” Yugi said.

They began to dance. Kaiba was surprisingly good at it.

“You’re really good at this,” Yugi said.

Kaiba smiled. “Thanks, Yugi.”

They continued to dance in the final twilight of the setting sun.

‘Courage, my word, didn’t come it doesn’t matter. Courage, couldn’t come at a worse time.’ (author's note: Courage - Sarah Polley (I heard it in an episode of Charmed))

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you're going to two-time a guy, make sure he's not better at card games than you.