"I Wish I Can Just Forget About These Stupid Feelings But That's Not How It Works Now Ain't It?"

"I wish I can just forget about these stupid feelings but that's not how it works now ain't it?"

— Day 6 of loving him but slowly healing

"Who knew that loving you would be the death of me?"

— Day 1 of loving him

S t a n d i n g w i t h

n o c h a n c e

━━━━━━━  ✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ:**:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ✧ ━━━━━━━

Her chocolate brown eyes stared at the pair with it's usual twinkle gone. The girl watched the pair interact and thought of how, no matter how much she willed it to be, she wasn't in the spot she oh so wished to be.

"Are you alright?"

The question was simple, she knew that, but that didn't stop her from thinking over her answer. Was she alright? Truly? Honestly? She didn't know, which was odd, even for her. She always seemed to know everything — reason as to why many people would go to her when in need, most of them being for academic purposes — but for once, she didn't know the answer to a seemingly simple question when, in fact, it wasn't. Not for her, anyway. She stared at the pair as she continued to contemplate her answer. Her brown eyes watched as the pair stared at each other with tender eyes, the sight killing her inside. Her brown eyes moved to stare at the ground beneath her as she felt her eyes watering. She willed herself to stop crying. After all, she had no right to. He wasn't hers and she knew that. He chose the girl he stared at with tender eyes, not her. But who was she to blame him? She wasn't nearly as wonderful as the girl he chose. She wasn't as pretty as the beautiful brunette sitting next to him. She was smart, yes, but the girl was smarter — she just didn't show it that much. The girl had so many talents — she can sing, dance, play an instrument, play sports, and she's smart — and she? What does she have? That's right. She only has smarts. She may be the supposed smartest out of their class but she knew that she wasn't. There was a lot of other people that was smarter than her — the amount of loses in a competition she has says so — but they didn't parade this. Not like her. Smarts was the only thing she had. So it didn't come of as a surprise to her that he chose the girl beside him and not her. She was nothing compared to the girl he chose. But that didn't stop her from crying. It didn't stop the tears from falling. But it also didn't stop him from choosing the other girl, not her. With a sniffle, she glanced back up only to be met with two concerned pair of eyes. Both of them belonging to the pair she was staring at and thinking about not even a minute ago. One of them was a beautiful azure color, belonging to the girl she oh so wished to be, while the other? It was a pair of beautiful hazel eyes that belonged to the boy she longed to be able to call hers.

She sent a small, shaky smile at the pair before looking away, trying to ignore the way he continued to stare at her with concerned eyes even after the girl he claimed as his tried to get his attention. She blinked back the tears that managed to build itself in her eyes because it hurts. It hurts to know that she wasn't his. That he won't look at her the way he does with the girl beside him. That he would never know about all of this. Her feelings, to be more specific. That he'll always see her as a little sister and not as a lover. Her heart broke for what felt like the millionth time at the thought before she looked straight at the eyes of the person who asked her the question she didn't have an answer to.

"Yeah..."

No...

"I'm fine..."

I'm not...

"Don't worry about it..."

But I won't tell...

"Everything's just fine."

Because I'm afraid you won't care.

Her answer was so stupid it was funny. How did she expect them to believe her when she didn't even remotely look okay? Her eyes were red, her nose was puffy, and her breathing was quite noticeable. But they didn't pry. They never did. And she appreciated that — even when it hurt — as she didn't know what to say to them if they asked. It wasn't as if they knew. She never told anyone her feelings. Her eyes unknowingly flickered to the girl who was already staring at her with sympathetic eyes and a small smile that she returned half-heartedly. The girl wasn't the beautiful brunette she longed to be but rather a short-haired brunette with beautiful hazel eyes that was also in the same predicament as her but this time of another couple. Her chocolate brown eyes glanced at the other couple in the vicinity that the short-haired girl was staring at a while ago before glancing back at the said girl. The two girls shared a smile of self-pity before the chocolate brown eyed girl glanced back at the pair she was staring at a while ago. She watched them interact for a few moments before turning back to her friends and smiling — the smile not reaching her eyes but no one noticed, no one but the short-haired girl who understood her.

"Let's go."

With those words, she left the area wishing that she could leave her feelings as easily as she walked out. Wishing that the boy she longed for didn't stare at her while she left knowing that her heart swelled with hope she knew was false. Wishing that she wasn't in the very same predicament she was now. Wishing she was a better person. Wishing he had chosen her, even if he didn't know she was an option to begin with. Wishing that she'd move on already. Wishing that she didn't need to cry tears for him. Wishing her feelings would just disappear and leave her alone.

Wishing that she wasn't...

Standing with no chance.

"I hate the fact that I can't stop thinking about you but don't worry, I'm accepting it. I'm accepting that you were never mine to begin with. Just give me more time and I swear to you, these feelings will be gone before we know it."

— Day 4 of hating the fact that you were never mine but also the day where healing took it's first step

When it all began

Standing with no chance, Part 2

She stared at the piece of paper in front of her with a contemplative look in her chocolate brown eyes. She fiddle with the bullpen in her left hand as she contemplated on what she was supposed to write. Pieces of crumpled paper can be seen behind her, showing that she'd started writing for quite a while now but was never satisfied at the result of her writing — honestly, when was she ever satisfied with her writing? Never, that was the answer. An annoyed sigh escaped her plumb lips as yet another minute had passed of her merely staring at the blank piece of paper. What was she even doing? That's right. She was writing a letter to him even though she'll probably never show it to him — she never did. She thought back to the amount of letters she'd written just for him, all of which she hid in a box that was never to be touched by anyone lest it be her. She ran a hand through her long, messy hair and sighed yet again. No words seem to be coming into her mind at the moment and, as on can tell, it was starting to frustrate her. Biting her lip as a way to show her frustration, she continued to stare at the blank piece of paper as if it was her greatest enemy.

A melodious laugh reached her ears just as she was about to give up writing the letter. Curious, she turned her head to spy on whoever released the laugh only to regret it as the sight before her met her now dull chocolate brown eyes, the annoyance quickly fleeing from it. The sight was that of the pair she had stared at all the time as school laughing together and leaning closely to one another with a goofy, adorable smile on her face. Oh how she wished to be at the receiving end of the smile of the boy in the pair. The boy which she was writing the letter for. The boy which she oh so foolishly fell in love with. The boy who made her have butterflies in her stomach at the mere thought of him. Her eyes welled up yet again with another round of tears which she quickly wiped. No! She wasn't going to cry over him. Not again. Not when she doesn't have the privilege to. She was tired. Tired of her constantly pinning over him when he was already taken — by a beautiful, talented brunette at that. She didn't want it anymore. She wanted the feeling gone. The pain was too much for her to bear. And so, with new vigor in her, she looked away from the pair and back at the blank piece of paper that wasn't going to be blank anymore. The words came flooding in her mind like water falling from a dam. Her hands were quick in writing down the words, afraid that it would escape her mind if she wrote it down a second to late. Her hand danced around the not so blank piece of paper as if it was a ballerina doing a pirouette.

To the guy who will never be mine,

Why? Why do you have to do this to me? Why did you have to steal my heart only for you to break it into a thousand pieces? Pieces which, by the way, I'm still trying to collect. But, of course, I can never blame you. Not because I'm to head over heels for you but rather because it wasn't your fault to begin with. It wasn't your fault that I fell in love with you. It wasn't your fault that I fell for you stupid smile and stupid laugh. It wasn't your fault that, suddenly, you were all that I can think about. It wasn't your fault that I fell in love with your stupid quirks and your stupid looks. It wasn't your fault that I fell head over heels with you even though I knew that you were already taken, unofficially at the time but it was still obvious. No, it wasn't. It was mine. You never intended to make me fall for you but I did it anyway. And now, I want to fix it. I want to move on from you because it hurts. Hurts to see another girl in your arms when I wanted the girl to be me. Hurts to see you love a girl that isn't me — don't worry, I don't blame you, I'm sure that the girl you love is a wonderful girl and far more better than yours truly. I hope that, by the time you're reading this — if you ever read it, that is — I had moved on. It would be hard, I know, especially because you are so dear to me, but I will, move on that is.

You're probably wondering how I fell in love with you — when I fell in love with you, aren't you? You're probably thinking about how and when it all began, right? Truth to be told, I never really knew when it began or how it began. I never knew when my feelings for you began but I knew when it blossomed into something more — when a crush turned into love. It was actually when we were in High school...

•••

Her chocolate brown eyes scanned the area with an annoyed glint in them. A sigh escaped her lips as yet another minute passed by of her standing outside a classroom, obviously waiting for someone. Her eyes glanced down at the watch she had decided to wear on her hand and couldn't help but let out a groan. It's been over fifteen minutes and whoever she was waiting for was still not there. She couldn't believe she was even waiting for him when she knew she didn't have to. Damn her feelings. Her chocolate brown eyes narrowed at nothing in particular as if it was something she loathed.

"What did the air do to you?"

Not the least bit startled at the sudden question, she let her eyes wander around the hallway before it settled on the sheepish boy in front of her, wearing the usual school uniform. She couldn't help but notice how his face seemed to glisten under the light and sighed, knowing that the boy was sweating from either running or from whatever activity he did during gym class — she knew that he had gym class before their meeting as she had gotten quite used to his schedule and unknowingly memorized it — but knowing him, it was probably both.

"Shut up."

"Okay, princess."

Her eyes twitched with irritation at the nickname she, rather unfortunately, gained from him. Her hands formed a fist for a second before she let it go and flexed her hand, not wanting to get in trouble for murder of a student, even if the thought was so tempting.

"How many times have I told you to not call me that?" Before she could add more in her sentence, she was, quite rudely, interrupt by the very same boy she was scolding. "Clearly not enough since I'm still doing it," He spoke only to raise his hands in surrender at the glare that was sent his way — he knew just how scary the girl can be and didn't want to experience it, again.

"I hate you—"

"No you don't."

"Don't test me." Her glare was so strong it was scary. The boy mimed zipping his tongue as he continued to raise his hands in surrender — at least he knew when to keep his mouth shut. "Whatever you say, princess." She takes back what she said. With a glare and half a mind to murder the boy, she dropped one of the bags she was carrying near his feet before turning around and leaving.

"Oh — don't be like that!"

"..."

"Oh, so, you're ignoring me now?"

"..."

"Come on! I'll buy you candy, I promise!"

"...They better be good..."

"Ha! Yes!"

She let a smile form on her face as she listened to him cheering behind her, still walking away. Her heart swelled knowing that he was probably raising and pumping his hand up in the air like the idiot he is. What she didn't know at the time was the butterflies in her stomach growing stronger. Or how that simple, stupid moment was the day when it all began. When a crush she had yet to even discover at the time — she always ignored the soft butterflies in her stomach and passed it off as being sick — turned into something more. Something like love.

•••

...I never knew at the time that I was falling in love with you nor did I know when I fell in love with you. I just found out when you told me — told us — that you had found the one. The one you're sure to spend the rest of your life with. It's just unfortunate that it wasn't me — it never had been and never will be, as far as I could tell.

Tears fell from her eyes against her will as she stared at the last sentence, knowing that it was true. She didn't even know why she was crying. After all, she always knew that they would never happen but, nonetheless, it hurts. She guessed that by reading the sentence she wrote down — reading the truth — had just confirmed her deepest fear, one that, despite knowing of it, she was never ready to face. Reading the sentence made her heart break even more and she cursed it all. She cursed faith for doing this to her. She cursed the fact that she had to fall in love, with the boy who only saw her as a little sister figure no less. She cursed the fact that, even if she wanted to, she can't move on. She wants to move on, she does, she really does, but her heart won't let her. At least not yet. Maybe, after a few months or, if fate really hates her, a few years, her heart will let her move on but for now, she was stuck. She was stuck in an endless pit she didn't even want to be stuck in, in the first place. Stuck in an endless pit people call "Falling in love". Honestly, if falling in love was always going to be this hard, she doesn't want it. She'd rather die alone than fall in love with someone who will never love her back because she's tired. Tired of the pain of it all. Tired of the constant suffering she had to endure. Tired of all of this. Tired of falling in love. She knew she might have sounded petty but who can blame her? She was hurting and love was the cause of it. Why wouldn't she hate love? Especially when it caused her the most pain?

Wiping her tears away, she stared at her shaking hands and let out an empty chuckle that was so empty it hurt everyone who heard it — which was not a lot, mind you. Glancing back up at the pair she glanced at just before she started writing, she watched them, yet again, interact and with it came the breaking of her heart. She wondered if love would always be like this. Filled with pain and suffering. So unlike the love she let herself believe in. Unlike the love she read about in the many books she'd read. Or maybe love wasn't all that bad. Maybe it just hates her for no particular reason. But maybe love was really a good thing. Maybe she just hadn't found the right person to give her the love she deserves yet.

"Why are you crying?"

The question didn't startle her. It was a question she received so much as of late but she never really gave a proper answer to it. Like right now. She ignored the person who asked her the question and merely stared at the couple with blank, empty eyes and no longer crying. She stared at them interact and wondered, for the last time that day, if maybe, just maybe, love wasn't all that bad. After all, they said that first love was always the hardest love. Maybe that was it. But then again, it was only a maybe. Only a possibility. But she didn't down herself any longer, she didn't want to. Her chocolate brown eyes glanced at the person who asked her the question with a blank face to go with her empty eyes.

"Why shouldn't I be?"

And with that, she stood up and gathered her belongings. She left not even a moment later and ignored the curious and concerned eyes that was set on her back. It was weird for them. To see her be so empty. Of course, she had never been the most filled with life of the lot but she was never do empty as she was then. Her friends made sure of that. So, to see her like that, to see her so empty, broke their hearts but there was nothing they could do. She was so deep into the endless pit that they feared they would never see the smiling girl they came to love ever again. And that scared them.

Said girl stopped in her footsteps in the middle of the hallway as she sighed, remembering something that made her annoyance grow.

She never got to finish her letter.

Acceptance is a start

Part 1 , Part 2

"Alright, something's wrong. Mind telling me what?"

She paused. Damn it. Her chocolate brown eyes twitched in annoyance at the damn fact that she could never, no matter how much she tried, hide something from her mother. She stopped writing her homework and merely stared at it. Her mind wandered off as it usually did. "Something's wrong." — everything's wrong, mother. Not something, everything. Yet she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop loving the boy she knew won't love her back the same way even if she killed for it. Her heart felt heavy as it usually did when she thought of him and her current situation. The situation being that she was, well, head over heels for a boy who openly announced that he wanted no girl other than the girl he claimed as his — the girl that wasn't her. It hurt. It really did. But what can she do about it? Nothing. She can't do anything about it except for moving on which is quite a hard task, especially since she'd love him for more than a year now. She let out a silent chuckle. There she goes again. Feeling like a highschool girl with a crush. It was as if she was thirteen again except this time it was different. This time it wasn't just a crush anymore, it was love now. Love she never wanted. But of course, Fate doesn't run that day. It seemed to give her the opposite of what she wanted. Oh, you don't want to love anyone at the age of 16? Well, too bad. You're now in love with the boy who considers you as his sister, good luck. Oh, what's that? You want a non drama-filled life? Huh? Sorry — not — but drama is waiting for you, my dear. Have fun! Goodness, Fate doesn't want to give her a break, Huh? Realizing that she had yet to respond, she raised her dull chocolate brown eyes to the blue eyes of her mother.

"Whatever do you mean, mother?"

She almost flinched at the dull tone of her response. Since when had she lost her cheery tone? Oh, that's right. Since the day she realized her feelings which was, unfortunately for her, the day the boy she garnered feelings for proclaimed his love for a girl that, surprise surprise, wasn't her. Her eyebrows raised at the face of her mother — one that clearly states she wasn't buying her bluff. Sighing again, her chocolate brown eyes moved back to the unfinished homework lying on her desk. Her hands made a movement to grab her pen just as her mother sighed and made a move to leave the room. She started writing yet again but her mind was somewhere else. Damn it. Why does this have to be so hard? Why couldn't she just focus on her homework and forget everything else? Don't answer that. She knew the answer. She knew that, even if she tried to do so, her mind won't focus on her homework because it was busy focusing on something else and for once, it wasn't him. It was her mother. She pondered whether or not she should tell her mother. After all, she needed someone to talk to about all of this. About her feelings. Bolting it all up wasn't healthy for her, it never had been. She tightened her grip on her pen before loosening it again with a sigh.

"I love him"

The words were out in the open now. Damn, it felt relieving to say that. All these time, she knew that she loved him but she never, not once, said it out loud in fear of someone overhearing her. She knew that if someone did, they wouldn't know who she was referring to but still, better safe than sorry. Hearing it said out in the open was like confirming her thoughts. She loved him. Oh my God. She loved. But he doesn't love her. Not in the way she wanted him to, at least. Her eyes fluttered close as yet another round of tears made it's way to her eyes but this time, it didn't fall, she prevented it from falling. With glossy chocolate brown eyes, she moved her head and stared at the frozen figure in her doorway. Her mother's frozen figure, to be specific. Her mother's blue eyes stared at her, her daughter, with barely concealed shock. Who? What? Why? When? Those were the thoughts circling her mother's mind as she watched her daughter, as she watched her, with tears in her eyes, repeat her words like a broken record and getting more emotional every turn.

"I love him..."

He doesn't love me.

"I love him..."

And it hurts.

"I love him..."

I'm scared.

"I love him..."

I don't know what to do.

"I love him......"

Help me, mother.

Tears continued to form itself in her eyes yet she didn't let them fall, she didn't allow them too. She was tired. She didn't want this anymore. Loving him was killing her and she needed to stop, only problem was she didn't know how. Her eyes closed as the thought stayed in her head. She didn't know how to not love him and that scared her, more than ever. Her chocolate brown eyes stared at her shaking hands, her tears still not falling. She took a shaky breath. No, don't cry. You've cried enough already. No need to cry again. Her mind involuntarily remembered the boy she loved so much and the girl she longed to be and the thought made her want to cry. Her hands shook more visibly as her mind made her remember the pair and their loving nature towards one another. Before she could panic more, a hand was suddenly covering that of her own. Her eyes snapped upwards only to be met by the calm blue eyes of her mother. She was so mesmerized at the caring and calming eyes of her mother that she almost failed to notice the words that escaped her lips in a soft, scared whisper.

"I'm scared..."

"I know..."

Her mother was quick to comfort her. She felt her mother's arms wrap themselves around her figure and closed her eyes, leaning towards her mother, desperately in need of the warmth and comfort she knew her mother would give her.

"Loving...it's scary, especially for someone as young as you..."

She listened to her mother speak and couldn't help but agree with her mother's words. It was true. Loving was — is scary. It always had been. No matter how old or how prepared you might think you are, loving someone, especially in a romantic way, will always be scary — that much she knew of. But even then, even if the words that left her mother's mouth was not something knew to her, it brought her a sense of comfort she needed.

"It's scary but it's also wonderful. It's such an amazing feeling, once you get over the scary part. You're constantly happy and you'll always feel as if you are on top of the world..."

She smiled. She caught up on the love and passion in her mother's voice and smiled, feeling happy that her mother experienced love in the best way possible. Sure, she couldn't see how love can be so wonderful as it had been nothing but cruel to her but to hear her mother say it as if she had experienced it before, and there's no doubt that she had and still do, makes me happy. They may not have been the closest mother-daughter pair out there but they care about one another, even after their multiple arguments. They care and that's what matters. Of course, her sense of happiness didn't last for long. As soon as she remembered that she had yet to experience that kind of love, her smile dimmed and tears continued to form in her eyes as she felt a bittersweet feeling creep up on her. She wished she experienced the kind of love her mother talks greatly about and not the love she was experiencing now. It sounded great. Her mother must have picked up on her down mood as she continued.

"But love can also be painful... It's not all rainbows and sunshine. It can hurt someone and I have no doubt you're hurting from love right now..."

The way her mother said it made her look away from her. Shame filled her body even when there was nothing to be ashamed about. Love can hurt someone and it was hurting her — it was normal. Her mother sighed and placed both of her hands on her cheek and made her look straight into her blue eyes. Chocolate brown met Crystal blue.

"I'm not shaming you, child. I just want you to know that what you're feeling right now — it's normal. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Your loving and you're hurting — it's normal. But I assure you, daughter of mine. You'll find the same kind of love I found in your father someday. Not right now, but some day. It may be years from now. Or weeks. Or days, even. But you'll find it. I know you will..."

The mother-daughter duo shared a smile that warmed both of their hearts. Her chocolate brown eyes watched as her mother pressed her forehead next to hers and continued.

"The love you have for this boy — who ever he is — is hurting you, my child. I'm not asking you to stop loving him. It's hard, that I know. But I'm asking you to stop this..."

Confusion filled her body. What did her mother mean? Stop this? Stop what? What did she do? Her questions were answered not long after as her mother continued.

"Stop purposely hurting yourself. Stop pushing everyone away. Stop isolating yourself. Stop trying to lock it all in. It's not healthy."

Wide chocolate brown eyes stared at determined blue ones as her mother continued.

"Love is hurting you, I know. But that doesn't give you any reason to hurt yourself more by doing all of that. By isolating yourself. By keeping it all in..."

Tears of frustration gathered in her eyes as she continued to listen.

"Stop being so brave..."

With blurry eyes, she watched as her mother close her own pair of eyes and kiss her in the forehead before whispering the words that hit her right in her feelings.

"It's okay to let it all out, Madelaine..."

Tears left her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks without her permission as she finally let herself cry — not for him or for the fact that he wasn't hers but for her and the fact that she was hurting. And it felt good. For the first time in what felt like forever, she was crying for herself — she wasn't crying over him. The feeling was so phenomenal that she couldn't believe it. She let out a watery laugh and sent her mother a shaky smile through her tears.

"Thank you..."

She meant it. She really did. Without her mother and her words of wisdom and comfort, she would still be crying over him and not realizing that she was hurting herself. Her mother made her realize what she was too sad to realize on her own and for that, she was grateful.

"There's no need to thank me, child."

Oh but there was. Her mother was just too humble to realize that. But she didn't argue. She didn't feel like it. So instead, she just nodded her head and continued to hug her mother, feeling grateful for having a woman like her in her life.

Unknown to the both of them, it was in that moment that Madelaine took her first step in her road to healing. It was in that moment that she realized that sure, the fact the he wasn't hers still stung but that doesn't mean she had too beat herself over it. It was in that moment that she started to accept that he wasn't hers and for once, the thought didn't make her cry. In fact, it made her feel as if a weight in her shoulders had been released. It felt great.

After all, Acceptance is a start.