As Free As A Bird

as free as a bird

These lyrics right here. This whole song is Destiel coded.

Trees ll- McCafferty

My autistic ass should not be able to write fanfic bc then I'm usually forced to do research, and when I do, I do way more than necessary and go down the weirdest rabbit holes of random crap.

It finally occurred to me that adult Sam’s obsession with healthy eating is his reaction to years of eating whatever Dean could steal and whatever he could warm up on a hot plate. Years of cereal. Years of canned beans. Years of greasy diner food. All because John was gone and child Dean did the best he could to make sure his little brother was fed. And Sam swears he’s not going to eat like that again because it reminds him of never having a mom or a real home other than the Impala. Of not having a dad stick around and raise him and his brother.

I wonder if Dean giving him a hard time about his smoothies and rabbit food comes from the guilt of not being able to give it to Sammy when he was little. I wonder if it’s why he so proudly sticks to his junk food and diner offerings, like it’s a salve to his ego. Sort of a, “Hey, it’s still good enough.”

whoever said famine didn't affect dean bc his hunger was for cas. im shaking the bars on my cell and screaming and eating my pillow.

he's not into lonely women in bars on valentines this year and he doesn't want the burger he orders. one of the first things he does in the episode is call cas and then he's with cas for the rest of it. so ;mwhdbfng.g um

anyway. um.

After Cas confesses his love, but before he pushes Dean away, he pulls something out from his trench coat and slips it into Dean's pocket. Cas pushes him down and gets taken by the Empty, followed by Billie, leaving Dean alone on the bunker floor. As he cries, he feels something push into his chest, so he reaches his hand into his flannel pocket and pulls out the mixtape. The one he had given Cas as a gift and a secret sort of love confession of his own, thinking Cas wouldn't understand it. But as he stared down at the tape over top that read 'Dean's top 13 Zeppelin traxx', he knew that Cas understood. And he feels his heart break even more. Cas knew. Cas knew how he felt, yet he never said anything until it was too late. They were both too stupid to understand and just tell each other.

As Dean held the mixtape firmly in his hands, shoulders shaking with his sobs, he noticed that something felt off about it. The texture was different. He would know. He had flipped the cassette over and over and over in his hands before giving it to Cas, trying to decide on what to say to the angel.

Dean used his sleeve to wipe the blurriness from his eyes so he could see what was wrong with it. It still took a few seconds to adjust, and when he saw the large crack down the center of the tape, he gasped and brought it closer to his face. More tears spilled down his face. Cas' last move was to give this back to him, to show him that he understood their love and reassured Dean that, though he never said it, he knew how much he had meant to him. And Dean had broken it. The last thing Cas had ever given him besides the bloody handprint forever imprinted on his coat.

But as Dean's hands held on, finergrtips rubbing over the surface again and again, desperate to feel some kind of comfort in his hopeless situation, he noticed something attached to the back of it. He sniffled, wiped his eyes again, and flipped it over. On the backside, there was a piece of paper taped there with his name written on it. He quickly ripped it off, causing the cassette to re-split in half, obvious that the piece of tape being all that held it together, and opened the note.

Hello, Dean.

I just wanted to write you this before I give back your tape and apologize for breaking it. I'm really really sorry. I know I'm not super good at apologies, but writing makes it a lot easier, so I'm writing it for you. I hope you'll forgive me. I didn't mean to break it. I know you spent a lot of time picking the songs specifically for me because you knew I'd like them, though I had trouble understanding some of the parts. I'll never understand why humans love music so much. It's so much noise and there's so much going on, but I know it's important to you, so I will learn to like it. I'm very sorry for breaking it. I don't ever take it out of my trench coat, just in case I need to listen to it during an emergency, and I fell onto it. :( Please forgive me, Dean. I'm very sorry.

As Dean read, he watched tear drops stain the paper. He laughed a little as he continued to cry, noting how the letter was the most characteristic Cas letter he could think of. And he was happy. So happy that he didn't break it himself. It was already broken.

Cas knew how much the weight of handing over a mixtape was, especially a Zeppelin one for Dean, and he acknowledged it. Dean squeezed the letter to his chest as he leaned back against the wall and continued to cry silently.