. [08.11] Whispers

𓆩 . 𓆪  [08.11] whispers ˚｡⋆ 𓍊𓋼𓍊

TW: ED

I managed to overcome my mini relapse, I'm doing better abt eating.

I just want to live in a big haunted Victorian house in walking distance of a bakery, a library, a bookshop, a forest, and a river and where I can befriend local ghosts and forest spirits. Not sure why that's asking so much.

Tw: self hate, references to: death, self harm, vomit, depression, EDs, etc.

Last night I cried so hard for about half an hour to the point where I almost threw up. No one was online so I got no solace in other people. I had spent the whole day cleaning and just messing everything up. I didn't get a single bit of drawing in, which is one of the only things that brings me joy at this point.

I was listening to my Spotify playlist, which made me feel more understood, but it didn't really help bring me out of it. I've been clean of self harm for over 4 months now, but that was one of the moments I was seriously close to losing that streak.

I was thinking about everything wrong, from my best friends death to my once good, now awful relationship with my mother, to a thing with an ex where I regret even dating them, not because it was bad, but because I had to choose between him and my current lover and you can probably assume who I chose. Now I'm worried he hates me, which is awful because I still love him, I just see my current lover as end game.

I feel so guilty for that last one, and for the first one. It feels like everything is getting bad again, from me starting down the road to an ED relapse without knowing the trigger, to suicidal thoughts popping up in a genuine manner, not loud enough for me to listen to them, but enough to be heard and thought of. I thought I was getting better, I wanted to get better, it makes me so sick to know that I may never fully recover.

the gods love you btw. forgot to pray today or perform an offering you do regularly? well they still love you. too depressed to clean up their altar? too bad! they’re still proud of you! too busy or having too much fun to stop and do devotional things? they’re glad your happy, they want you to focus on what’s most important. avoiding worship because you feel unworthy? what a waste! they still adore you and watch over you!! the gods are inescapable. their love, their offerings, their watchful gaze are all inescapable. embrace it! they’d rather see you happy or focusing on what’s important or simply just living your life over watching you stress about devotion

I *need* to go thrifting once I have money

- Iwakura Lain in the 2020s -