It's Been The Longest Winter Without You

It's been the longest winter without you

I didn't know where to turn to

See somehow I can't forget you

After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock

Who's there no one

Thinking that I deserve it

Now I realize that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again

All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

And even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me

It's time I let you go

So I can be free

And live my life how it should be

No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you

Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you

It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

And even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Leona Lewis - Better In Time

I feel wronged.

I don't think he was in love with me like I was in love with him. He loved me but he wasn't in love with me. I don't know if he has ever been in love with anyone else before. I felt love from him and cared but I don't think it was pure love as if you were in love with someone.

The word "love" is careless used in today's world. I love coffee, I love this and I love that. Love can also mean a strong likeness for someone or somethings too.

But I think he doesn't really know what pure love is either. So when you don't know what you don't know how can you give it to someone else? I would like to believe he meant it towards me but I never asked because I never had a reason to asked. But now I am wondering if it was purely love or just a strong likeness for me masked as "love".

Just sadness and disappointment. My heart is heavy today.

I'm feeling incredibly crappy and sad today.

Keep thinking about his treatment, his cold and cruel silent treatment towards me. His cold cruel heart. How can you live with yourself knowing you caused another human being, someone you once loved and cared for, so much pain, hurt and heart ache. How can you sleep at night? How can you go about your daily life and put on a smiling face and acted as if nothing happened???

How?? Why??

I'm a good, decent person who gave my all into him and the relationship. I gave all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my body to this person and now they're throwing me away like trash. Like 3.5 years so nothing, meaningless to them. Now they have someone new and younger they discard you like trash.

How pathetic and disgusting that he has become this person or maybe this is who he was all along. Just didn't show his true colors because he didn't have to. Now he's shown who he really is. Just a shitty person. Can't wrap my head around it. This is fucking me up.

Maybe I am really depressed. I hope they call with an appointment soon. I so need the help to help me move on and become my old self again.

How can someone whom you gave your heart to can cause so much damage and pain? But I'm not going to allow that piece of shit to take power over me. He's not going to win in this battle.

I AM

I WILL

I'm the better one

I didn't wronged anyone

I wasn't mean nor cruel

I am a good, decent person who will receive decent and good things in life

I'm not the one psychologically abusing someone so they can avoid the pain and the mature adult conversation

I'm not trash

Today I am thinking about you more. Not so much as in I missed you but I'm thinking of you for the hurt and pain you caused. The hurt and pain that I'm still feeling and trying to heal from.

You're such a piece of shit. I dislike you very much today. Suddenly my heart is heavy. I hope you're heart and conscience is heavt too, but I doubt it cause you're not even thinking of me and the situation you put me through.

You're with your rebound and getting your shit wet cause that's all you cared about. You're so selfish and unkind to me.

Gawd!! This shit is painful and exhausting!! I'm here dealing with this mess while you're off living your life. This isn't fair!! Fuck you!!! I hate you!! Don't ever return. Stay where you are.

Broke down this afternoon.

I'm trying so hard to think positively, to let go, to accept that things are over, to accept that he have moved on, to accept that we weren't right for each other, that love wasn't enough to hold us together, to accept that there is no longer an "us". To accept that is chapter of my life is over, it's over because we weren't compatible, accepting that he's no longer living in the same state, accepting that I will no longer speak to him nor ever see him again.

I'm reading self help books, listening to meditation and self motivation podcasts, watching Ted talks about changing your negative thoughts to positive thoughts. Being mindfulness, changing your mindset.

I'm doing all this shit yet I still feel like shit!! I hate these feelings, I don't feel like myself. I wished I didn't find out, I wish he wasn't a coward and a liar. I wished he was man enough to have told me. I wished he wasn't so petty to flaunt his new bitch in my face. I hate how things have turned out. I hate him and his fucking new relationship. I hate him for being the little bitch that he is. I hate that he's so immature and a man child. Fuck I hate how he doesn't care or give a shit about the hurt and pain he has caused me. I hate that he get to move on and fuck some 20 year bitch!!!

AAAAHHHHHHHH!! 😡😡😡😡