Sherlock-3-d - La Pazza

All the things you so desperately wanted from me? I was never enough for you to give me either. So why did it ever matter?

“Our generation thinks it’s cool not to care. It’s not. Effort is cool. Caring is cool. Staying loyal is cool. Try it out.”

— Post Malone

We both had faults. Your dad once said to me we were too much alike, and at the time I didn't want to accept that comparison. I was on too many meds that made me feel nothing and I was so preoccupied with perfection and 'healing' and dealing with my own shit and 'acting right' that I wasn't really doing any of it right at all...

Neither of us could trust. Neither of us could let our walls down to love properly. No matter how much we said it. We weren't ready. Distance sure didn't help that.

I was too scared to give love because you were too scared to give love. I wanted to heal you so bad. But how could I do that when I was broken. When I'm still trying to fix broken pieces that other people broke.

You were ALWAYS ALWAYS good enough. I was always rushing and caught up in something else. I never figured out how to communicate how you needed me to, I just kept begging and demanding you to talk to me. That's not how that works...

Just because I did all the right actions... bought the flowers, did the sentimental gifts, called and texted constantly, talked you through family stuff, ect. Doesn't mean I loved you the way YOU NEEDED to be loved. Just because I opened up enough to propose, Doesn't mean it was the right time.

I could not handle the Maya situation. That does not mean I should have ever ran to someone else. I could not handle you saying I was a burden or that you could not handle my depression, or that you felt like you had no way out.

So I gave you a way out.

You said everything has been on and off with me, but it had been with you too. For 8 years. I tried for 8 years. Can you blame me that much for being skittish when every chance you got you told me you didn't want me?

I felt like I had to give you way out. Even when you said later that you only said those things because you were lashing out. I can't understand that. I ran away. I made the decision. You weren't happy. You were never happy. How can you love someone and never be happy?

So hate me. I did the best that I could at the time. I think I understand that you tried to as well.

“Choose people who choose you.”

— Unknown

“It’s about who you miss at 2 in the afternoon when you’re busy, not 2 in the morning when you’re lonely.”

— Unknown