12:35 ~ Always By Your Side ~

12:35 ~ always by your side ~

the insomnia was killing you. you were wiggling around in your sheets, forcing your eyes to close and trying to get your body to relax, but with no success. suddenly a pair of strong, bare arms wrap around your waist, pulling you against a broad chest.

“hey babe... can’t sleep?” chan’s raspy voice sounds into your ear.

you shake your head, giving him a clear response.

“sorry for waking you channie...” you mumble back, but he only tightens his grasp on you. his warm breath grazes the crook of your neck as he interlaces your hands.

“i’m by your side babe, no matter the circumstances” he says softly before kissing your skin gently and lying with you until you both drift off to sleep slowly.

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who’s the main SHIT

this is what religious values do to a vulnerable LGBTQ+ person’s brain.

I know I didn’t announce it before, but I wanted to explain why I’ve been gone for so long. I experienced a heavy mental crash recently. I’ve been struggling a lot with accepting myself. For once it’s not for my overall hatred for myself, rather it’s about my sexuality.

As many of you already know, I am a cisgendered, bisexual girl. I go to a private, Catholic high school. I’ve always been raised Catholic. However, I’ve known for a long time that I’m bisexual. I’ve always rejected any religious values I’ve been taught, because of all the religious rejection of the LGBTQ+ community. However, pretending to be fully straight while religious bullshit is being thrown at you is hard.

(Also, I understand that many gay men, lesbian women, trans men and women can go through far worse. I am lucky for having some heterosexual attraction. This is just my experience at my Catholic school.)

At the beginning of this year I was already mentally exhausted. I was in a vulnerable emotional state, and I was just ready to get this year of school over with. However, this emotional vulnerability brought me to listen to religious values more. I started to feel comforted by the thought that God had my back, despite not supporting the people I love. I suddenly felt less alone than I did before. Then, my teacher began talking about her (the Catholic) view on sex, how it should be between only a man and woman, and sexuality in general. Usually I would get fired up and mentally block every hypocritical work they said. This time, I didn’t, I listened to her. I listened to the bullshit she spewed and I hung onto every word. For a moment, I believed her. I began thinking I was sinful, my temptations were awful and could be destroyed. I had a girlfriend at the time, and I broke up with her. (One of the biggest regrets in my entire life.)

In my newfound straight/religious views, I got a boyfriend. (He is no longer my boyfriend for reading you will see later. Also, those who follow me know him as blue.) He made me happy, however, there was always something he did that made me upset.

He constantly uses the word “faggot.” This word is extremely normal in a Catholic school, especially with straight boys. I always felt a spark of anger when he used it, but I never did anything about it. Why should I feel offended? I thought, I’m not longer attracted to women, so I shouldn’t feel offended by that. I was completely throwing everything away inside my body that screamed, “STOP!! YOU ARE NOT WHAT THEY ARE CONVINCING YOU TO BE!”

One day, without me even knowing why, I burst out, “Can you stop using that word!? It’s so offensive!”

He was taken aback, obviously confused, as I had never opposed to him saying it before. “Why? It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does!” I insisted, confusing myself as I continued to push.

“Oh come on, I don’t care if I offend anyone, I hate gays. My dad raised me to hate them, so I don’t care if I offend them.”

My jaw dropped. I turned around and walked away from him. I couldn’t control the absolute anger rising and boiling my blood. Despite being raised Catholic, my Mom always taught me to love everyone, not matter what. Even if I was “no longer tempted by my attracting you women,” I was extremely angry at blue. But at the same time, I was sad for him.

I knew it wasn’t his fault.

His mom was a religion teacher at a middle school, and his dad is a raging alcoholic with strong opinions. It wasn’t his fault that he thought this way. He was raised this way. He wouldn’t know what the outside world thought unless he was raised with open minded views.

And I shouldn’t care. I tried to CONVINCE myself that I shouldn’t care. I was straight now, right?

wrong.

I tried so fucking hard to believe that I wasn’t this sinful freak that my peers and teachers convinced me I was. I was, no, I am a bisexual girl.

And now I have learned to be proud of it.

I honestly couldn’t do it alone, I had to remember that it was okay for me to have these attemractions. That it is OKAY to be in love with a woman!

(Some people that helped me remember that: @strange-aeons - I found this wonderful woman on youtube. She is a cis lesbian that I’ve looked up to recently. The videos she makes on religion v.s sexuality are honestly beautiful. She is respectful towards religion while explaining that being part of the LGBTQ is not only okay, but it’s our RIGHTS! She doesn’t just shit on religion while saying it’s meaningless. In my sensitive state, I appreciated that, and I found that missing part of myself again.

Mr. Athiest - Another person I found on youtube. He’s an ex mormon and faced lots of struggles with religion. I believe that he’s pansexual (please, correct me if I’m wrong) and he has very strong beliefs about religion and sexuality. Although, his views towards religion was a little less sensitive than strange-aeon’s views, it was the slap in the face that I needed to get my out of that mindset. He helped me realize that being the way I am is OKAY! His firm and strong words helped me immensely.

My best friends - My closest friends that know about my sexuality always supported me. They helped me through this when I opened up to them, and even though many of them are very religious, they told me the truth. When I said I felt like I was sinful for being attracted to women and that I felt like being straight was the answer, they basically said “Bitch, shut up you’re a bit gay and it’s okay.” Which is exactly what I needed to hear from the people I consider closest to me.

Finally, the amazing communities all over the internet and the world - I have found my peace. I have found my acceptance and serenity with countless groups, websites, and strangers online. I know that what I was feeling is okay, questioning myself because of religion is normal. When a belief is pushed on you enough, it can seriously effect you. However, because of all these reasons, I know that I’ll be okay.)

I hope my story can help many of you. I want to believe none of you will have to go through this, but I know some people will. I hope this can be the push you needed to know that you are valid. You are amazing, your sexuality is beautiful. I love you, the whole community loves you. I have fought for a long time to realize that \/

I’m a bisexual woman and I’m fucking proud.

♡ Because ♡

Prince!Jeongin AU

Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Prince AU

Pairing: Y/n X Jeongin (Stray Kids)

Words: 1,8k

Warning: my first story so cRiNgE

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Jeongin opened the doors to the castle’s kitchen, immediately being greeted by the fresh smell of all the goods that were made in there. The cooks and assistants were now used to the young prince showing up everyday. They knew he picked you--the main chef’s daughter--up after his royal lessons, since he had been doing so for years. You grew up having the prince, who was a few moths older, right by your side almost all the time. From having tea parties with your stuffed animals, helping him with his royal duties, and him giving you a beautiful bracelet as a birthday present--you went through everything together. He's seen you at your worst, but built you back up and vice versa. Naturally, with all the time you two had spent together, you fell in love with him. Yet, it wasn't one-sided, which is the way you thought. Jeongin loved you with his whole heart, soul, and being. You were kind to everybody, you were extremely smart, but also witty and knew how to joke around. For him, you were the most gorgeous being on this earth.

"Okay, so I planned that we would go to the library. I will finish my work and then we'll take a walk through the garden,” he said grabbing your hand and practically dragging you out of the kitchen. You chuckled and shook your head at the boy’s sudden enthusiasm.

"Library sounds great!” You exclaimed in reply. On the way to the library, Jeongin mustered up the confidence to hold your hand. The flustered way you looked after him doing so made it worth the half panic-attack he had. With a slight blush, you continued walking, smilingly next to him. Nervously fidgeting with the bracelet he gave you, made his heart swell with adoration. He felt as though you took comfort in the small bracelet, which made him beyond happy.

☆

After about three hours of actually helping the prince, laughing at his lame jokes, being told to be quiet and then being loud, the both of you got thrown out.

You ran in front of him, pulling him by his hand and feeling a wave of euphoria going through your body. You turned to to face him, a geniune smile plastered on his face. "So garden is next right, your Highness", you asked, slowing down , but still pulling him after you.

"First of all, I told you not to call me any royal name. Second, yes Lady Y/n garden is next", he replied smiling. You quickly glanced infront of you to check what direction to go. As soon as you were sure what way was the right one to get to the garden, you turned back to him.

"Why do you-", started to say when Jeongin interrupted you. "Y/n watch out!"

You turned around to se what he meant and walked into a something too soft to be a wall. You blinked a few times and looked up to see a smirking Bang Chan. Jeongin's royal guard.

"You should be more carefull Y/n", Chan said, ruffling your hair lovingly. You smiled up at the boy who always looked out for you when you were about to do stupid stuff. Stuff Jeongin encouraged you to do of course. "I'll try brother", you reassured him. You weren't the only non-royal growing up in the castle. Together with your father and brother you lived there. Both of them worked for the royal family, and so would you when come of age. You had no idea what kind of work is heading your way.

"Can we help you, Chan? We were about to go to the garden", the Prince asked, letting go of your hand and trying to hide his shyness. It didn't go unnoticed but your brother decided to not bring it up and just smiled at the scene enfolding before him. When he noticed your impatient looks he cleared his throat. "Actually yes, yes you can. Your Majesty, the Queen wants you in her chamber, Prince Jeongin", he answered the boys question. And now Jeongin was apologetily looking at you. You knew he felt bad for leaving, but his duties were more important. You grew used to that by now. "Go Jeonginnie! We don't want our Queen to be mad."

☆

Walking towards his mothers room Jeongin didn't miss the unusally high number of guards standing in front of ballroom. Deciding not to care he walked past the guards with narrowed eyebrows and made the rest of the way to his mothers room. How he wished he didn't. The way she sat so seriously, pointing to chair in front of her, told Jeongin this would not end well.

"Listen honey", she started off, "I know we already talked about this once, but now it's serious. We invited some princesses to stayed here for a while. I guess you didn't really notice it. But they noticed how much you enjoy you time with Y/n and", she hesitatet. "And what?", he asked fearing to already know the answer. "Well...", she didn't know how to tell her son, that he should lessen the times he sees his best friend. The queen took a deep breath. "You need to engage into finding a suitable princess now or we'll do it for you. Y/n is only a distraction. Do you understand?" He was frozen. He didn't move, neither did he talk. What was he supposed to say? "Oh yeah sure mother, I'll just neglect the person I love the most." His mother saw his inner conflict and sighned. "Their waiting in the ballroom. Make sure you're able to talk when you meet them", she said and left the room.

It took Jeongin a while 'till he got up and walked towards the ballroom. He didn't want another girl. He wanted you. "Stupid royalty", he mumbled, head low, but he knew his mother was right. His father wasn't really getting younger and Jeongin need to take over the kingdom. And to do that he required a queen. Maybe you were a distraction after all. All this time you made him hope something could happen, even though both of you knew it was impossible. "I'll-I'll just stay away from her. These stupid feelings are childish. She's the only girl I grew up with. Young love...stupid love", he told himself. As he approached two of the guards, Chan and Minho, opened the double doors of the ballroom and multiple heads turned to stare at the you prince.

☆

The next few weeks you noticed something was competly off. Jeongin stopped visiting you everyday. At first you thought he's just extreamly busy, more duties and more stress with his mother. But then you kept seeing him around the palace. If you two made eye contact he'd always look down and walk away. Honestly, it hurt you. But what hurt even worse was what came afterwards. That one thing that crushed you and broke your heart into millons of pieces; the new girl he walked around with.

You had to admit she was beautiful. She had long black hair, that was mostly braided. Beautiful blue eyes that you were sure a person could get lost in. Her clothes were what every girl dreamed of, and when she smiled or laughed the whole room seemed to light up. One thing you also noticed was the crown she wore. It wasn't anythig big, rather minimalistic to be honest. But you didn't need to see the crown to figure out that she wasn't a chef's daughter. You tried to keep yourself together, because you knew it was one of his duties. To marry a princess...make her his queen.

It had been two weeks and everywhere you went Jeongin and his princess, who's name you found out was Jiwoo, were the only thing you saw. It still burned when you saw them, but you got used to it. He didn't love you, but you were naïve enough to belive he did. You were his best friend. Only that. Now he doesn't even spare you a glance.

You never thought anything could hurt you more than him ignoring you. Boy were you wrong. One day you were supposed to bring tea and cookies into princess Jiwoo's room. Carrying the tray into the room you realised she wasn't there yet, so you set it of on her nightstand, not without having to push some jewlery aside. And thats when you saw it. Your heart burst into flames of pain when you saw bracelet sitting on the nightstand. A bracelet identical to the one he gave you once. You felt betrayed and absolutely mad. How dare he play with your emotions like that. Where you a puppet to him, that he could throw away when he found a prettier one? Uhmm...no. Even though you were angry, you couldn't help but feel tears flowing down your cheeks. You immediately set the tray down and ran out of the room. You were surprised where your feet were taking you.

☆

Jeongin heard insane knocking on his door. He furrowed his eybrows, put his book down and got up to open it. When he did just that, his eyes comprehended one of the most painful things he's ever seen. You were standing in front of him, your eyes bloodshot red and tears running down your face. He looked down and realised you were holding his bracelet in your hands. You pushed him back into his room and shut the door closed. When you turned back to Jeongin, you threw the bracelet at him.

"You know, you could've at least told me you found someone you love Jeong-", you started saying trying to stay as strong ad possible, though your voice quivered. Suddenly Jeongin got to his senses "Y/n", he said in a low but still audible tone.

"Oh no, Jeongin now you are going to listen to me", you said sternly, while quickly wiping your tears.

"Y/n!", he said it louder this time. You were starteled at his outburst so you stoped yourself from talking more. He picked up the bracelet and looked at it with tears stinging his eyes. He looked back at you. "Yeah, I should've told you. I should've told you about that beautiful girl I fell in love with."

You were close to breaking down again, when he grabbed your hands. He slipped the bracelet back on and looked up.

"That beautiful girl I fell in love with years ago, because she accepted who I am. Because she brightened my day just by smiling. Because that one time she made Chan attack Felix, thinking he was an intruder. " You started laughing and Jeongin just smiled down at you. He hesitated a second. "Because she is you." You felt heat rise to your cheeks.

"Do you need more of those "Because" or was that enough?" You smiled up. "I think that should work for now"

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[11:00]

you were snuggled in the warm, fluffy blanket that was wrapped around you and your boyfriend jisung, his arms tightly positioned around your waist as he kept pecking the soft skin of your neck with soft, light butterfly kisses.

“i love you a lot y/n” he whispers against your flesh, tickling you and making a little giggle bubble up your throat. a big smile decorated his face at the sound of ur joyful laugh.

“i love you even more  jisung” you mumble and interlace ur hand with his, slowly letting your eyes drop close as the sun lets her last, warm rays of light fall through the curtains, onto you and your lover.