Superdumbfan - Just A Really Dumb Super Fan

I made an in-universe blog of my ARG.

So I'm big time into undertale right.

And I kept seeing this book pop-up. It was a undertale gore 'zine. And you know what they say curiosity killed the cat. Well, that bitch is definitely dead. So I read it out of curiosity.

First of all, I thought it was gonna be a horror project. I'm a huge fan of horror.

It wasn't a horror project.

Second of all, I read 2 of the stories. Coincidentally, both of them were about cannibalism. And now I don't think I'll ever be the same.

I literally read them before going to bed. And now I can't sleep.

And I kind of want to write a fan fiction based on one of the stories just to give it a happier ending.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself right now. I really thought it was just gonna be a silly goofy horror project. ITVWASNT!! 😭😭😭

So getting that computer is taking way longer than I expected.

Look I'm trying okay I sent in my resume a little while ago and for some reason they're taking super long to get me in and I can't buy any computer if I don't got money. I really do want to continue with my series! I'm just having a little bit of a rough time!! And I can't put out any teaser or promotional right now because I can't make it cuz I have no computer!!!!!!

I've been up for hours. I have always had the sensory issues but it wasn't until I got out of my dad's abusive house that they really hit me and now I'm up right now literally coughing up loogies that are pink from blood and fighting the urge to literally claw my skin off. It sounds like some edgy thing some kid would have put here on Tumblr in 2008. I hate everything I want to die it sucks so fucking bad. I clean and clean and clean off my bed before laying on it I make my bed I make sure everything is to a tee. And no matter how many fucking time to do with the bed still has something on it it could be as clean as marble and it's still feels like I'm laying in the fucking desert. Always starts off feeling like I'm laying on Sand then it gets itchy to the point that it's unbearable and I just want to claw my skin off and it hurts it stops being itchy and just straight up hurts. I am so tired and I'm just crying Non-Stop and I can't even stop myself from crying and it sucks. I'm tired I'm always you never feeling comfortable in my own skin in a literal way not metaphorical not oh I look in the mirror and I'm ugly literally feeling uncomfortable in my skin I want to be skin I would pay for someone to find a way to live without skin. This is literal agony and it's always hits me when I'm vulnerable. It never hits me in the middle of the day when I'm just chilling relaxing it's always when I'm trying to go to sleep or do something important it's always in the middle of a test or some other bull like that. It's always there I don't know what I did I'm not a good person I know I haven't taken it. And no matter how much I look stuff up we can't find any way to fix this I don't have money to buy a weighted blanket. And my next therapy appointment in this until Wednesday. Sometimes I think if I didn't make a promise that I made my mom I probably be dead. I just said melatonin and I'm hoping that I've been to just get worn out from crying and fall asleep. But it sucks that I even have to do that I want to be a normal person so waiting to sit on my bed and go to sleep. No crying no tantrum no painful itching sensation no need to literally sit as still as possible just hope that it can fall asleep without literally crying so hard that I can't speak anymore.

I just want to be "normal" person i feel bad I don't want to be neurodivergent. I want to be able to do things normally without my brain trying to punish me. This is like living hell. And it's so much worse cuz I never never the problem when I'm like distracted throughout the day I sit on the same bed all day and watch TV and do other things I work on my bed because it's the only thing I have and there's no problem the second that I actually got to go to sleep it's like oh no now your bed is made out of needles and sand and bugs. If I didn't promise my mom I wouldn't kill myself I probably do that right now. I hate everything I hate this I'm going to sleep so badly I'm literally writing this while crying and so tired that I could fall asleep but my body won't let me I'm so so tired this isn't fair.

Please please please please please please if anyone knows anything that can help please tell me I am literally having panic attacks and I can't do this. I am on the verge of just scratching all my skin off Jesus Christ and I don't even know why my brain would act like this why am I so faulty that my brain actively makes my life worse what is the possible reason that my brain would act like this

Two: mention of harming ones self (not major tho I'm fine)

So went to my therapist. Well more like medicine provider but I forgot the technical term for that. And I was talking about sleep meds cuz I've had to be on sleep meds and melatonin because I have really bad sensory issues. Like meltdown and sometimes even hurting myself kind of bad. So I talked to my therapist this time and she said that I might have OCD, but I'm kind of confused cuz I also had doctors labeled me with ADHD and autism. I honestly don't know what the problem is but I just got on OCD medicine see if that helps. I would love to get a psych eval, but the closest center that does a psychopath is two cities away. It'd be an 8-hour drive going there and back and it's a major city so hotel cost and stuff like that would probably bankrupt me. My mom says that she's going to try and take me as soon as possible but we just got a new car and she's afraid that I might break down during the trip. I honestly don't know what to do I love to have some kind of diagnosis so I know what to do. I want to be able to just live like a neurotypical person. I want to be able to do things like sit on my bed or wear leggings without literally wanting to rip off my skin. I've talked to my brother about this and he said that he could believe if I was autistic because of how I acted as a kid. Again I honestly don't know what I am I just want to know I want to find it out so I can fix it as soon as possible. Cuz not only is it exhausting but it is breaking me I need help bad. Oh the joy of being poor in a capitalist society so I can't fix my own fucking problems.

I like this idea I really do and I understand how culturally it's kind of insensitive but mine being questioned is when they go through the living doll aspect what kind of doll would he be. Can you say the daughter of Annabelle would they take reference from the actual Annabelle who is a felt doll raggedy Ann or would they go off the movie counterpart which is a porcelain doll. I have felt and porcelain dolls I have a raggedy Andy and like 20 porcelain dolls to them being clowns and I'd love to see designs in both aspects because they both be cool.

We're talking about the felt doll one I like the idea because all of the other dolls or characters that you associate with the series they are more sturdy feeling. They're made of plastic or if we're just talking about animation wise they have similar anatomy to humans when it comes to how they move they've bend just like general articulation I would love to see him be felt and it gives him like a rubber hose animation style where he's able to do more exaggerated movements.

On the other hand I love to see a porcelain version because a lot of porcelain doll concepts are girls because that's a lot of personal dolls are. Horror movie that kind of banged off Annabelle I can't remember the name I think it was called like the boy or him but you know what what I'm talking about the one where the kids living in the wall and using a doll to communicate. The doll in that movie is more American girl ask it's not really porcelain it's not shiny it doesn't have that same fragile component it's plastic you don't see a lot of male characters that are designed around porcelain. Plus I'd like to see how they deal with him being porcelain cuz just like how in his original design him being felt you see all these stitches he has pins in him it gives more to the idea that he is made of felt you can even see stuffing at times. Maybe he would have cracks that are like filled in or maybe he has like some parts are made of actual porcelain doll parts and then other are like made of other porcelain items like tea wear and other stuff. Or I forgot the name of the practice but there's this I think Chinese practice where they use gold to fix cracks in porcelain and I think that would be such a cool design concept. Also don't call me about it being Chinese it could be completely different culture and I'm just like stupid I'm literally just rambling off if I had to actually like design this which I'm so invested in the concept I might just design these, I do actual research into these topics right now I'm just kind of spreading knowledge I very barely remember off my head. I just remember the concept being brought up in a similar kind of porcelain character debate but instead of it being like a porcelain actual character it was talking about how if trans people can make their scars golden like how when they fix this porcelain.

And if I said something wrong please someone tell me because I don't hurt anyone's feelings. But I feel like if he was redone it would be cool if he was the son of Annabelle so you still get a doll without the negative connotation. Cuz I can't really think of any other huge dull reference that isn't going to be somehow culturally offensive.

Plus finally last thing I'm going to say is that if you go with the porcelain root and use that gold technique I was talking about you can sprinkle that culture into his character. A lot of Gen 3 is very culturally diverse and I think it'd be cool to see him being given this culture through the idea of his scars being killed with gold. Plus imagine the doll I don't know how well they do it but imagine like the joints and like all down his body this little gold lines everywhere that's really shiny and sparkly. But knowing how dog companies are most of the time it probably either flake off or be all over your hands the second touch the doll.

Again I'm speaking out of my ass if I said anything wrong or I'm just stupid please call me out girl I'm not going to learn if someone doesn't tell me. Please I am a people pleaser and I feel awful if I'd say something bad lol

I need g3 to redo Hoodude but make him not Hoodude. New character with Hoodude's personality and general idea of being like some sort of living doll thing, but without the voodoo doll references and appropriation of a closed practice. Hoodude was soo cute and good. Except for the voodoo part.