Mental Heath Issues - Tumblr Posts

Having a friend with mental health issues is actually terrible, because you have a normal, everyday conversation, and then they make a self-depricating joke or a joke about suicide. And they laugh, and you should laugh too, you know about coping with humor, but you can’t because you worry too much. You know them from a long time, and you remember the highs and you remember the lows, and your stomach gets tangled into a knot. You should laugh, but it’s too late, the mood is ruined now, they stop smiling and you hate yourself for making things awkward. So force a smile, but it’s fake, and they know you too much, and you actually just made the whole situation worse, and you hate yourself. You wish you could lie better or care less or just be different but this is how you are, and you had loved ones before struggling with this shit, and you are worried, and you don’t know how to give them what they need. You don’t even know what they need, you never understood people, and you want to, but it’s like there is a glass wall separating you. And you’re scared that you’re gonna let them down, and you try harder. It’s like walking on eggshells, but you don’t actually see the eggshells and you aren’t even sure there are any eggshells at all, because you’re overthink everything and this was supposed to be a normal conversation. You can’t have a normal conversation, because you overthink. So you try to be better, and next time you laugh, but still aren’t sure, if this is what they need, and your stomach is in a knot.

Lately, I have been carrying a heavy feeling, as if I'm trapped within my own mind, watching my life unfold passively without reacting.

The song "Amygdala" by Agust D resonated deeply with me because it made me yearn to scream, to wake myself up, and finally break free from this half-lived state of existence.

RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)

just found out that i probably have RSD as well as ADHD and fuck. That explains so much. Like why I get anxiety over almost every post I make on here, why I am terrified of public speaking when I used to be fine, why I can't imagine ever asking someone out unless I'm sure they like me back because what if they say no? Why i feel self conscious and weird in front of random strangers i will never see again. So much shit that I thought was rejection trauma or something. I wish I'd known this earlier and I hope more people can learn about it earlier than I did.

Folks have got to understand that they probably aren't messed up by some Secret Big Trauma that they just can't remember; but rather by a million tiny microtraumas that they do mostly remember but don't even register as traumatic because nobody actually understood that these things would cause trauma, much less stack on each other over the years.

When you're holding back all the shit and sadness to the point of feeling that pressure in the back of your throat.. like a cork. And you keep swallowing hard and make them short "Hmmh" sounds when breathing cause it feels like your chest is about to explode everytime you're trying to inhale..

But they fucking know you well enough to know something's up and without warning they cling on to you and hug you real hard. And you try to push them away cause you know you're not gonna be able to keep the mask on, but they hold on for dear life.

And you manage to keep it together for about 4 seconds before it all explodes out of you. And you cry so hard you're almost just screaming..

How the fuck do people deal with survivor's guilt? Seriously.. cause I don't.

It's been like 10 years by now and it still fucks me up so bad whenever I allow myself to think about it. The only real coping mechanism I have after all this time is just trying to avoid thinking about it at all cost.

I still fucking do tho.. Still pops up in my head when I'm not prepared. Still in my dreams. Still see them..

Tsss.. yeah nevermind. I totally forgot.. 💀

I don't have a bipolar diagnosis, but I seriously doubt the accuracy of that..

Was writing something about how I keep finding peace in the thought of not fighting to get better anymore and just allowing myself to give up..

But it totally sounded like I was about to off myself, so can't post that.

I know this isn't the best forum for thoughts like this, but I need to get it out. If this is too weird or personal, feel free to scroll past. 

My nightmares have shifted to Eldritch Horror recently, and I'm not a fan.

Forms of eldritch horror include but are not limited to

- nobody will ever believe you, you must live alone with this knowledge

- you will never feel safe again, and you realize you were never safe before

- everything that was familiar is now strange and abhorrent to the point anything that now seems normal should be held in utmost suspicion 

- having this new knowledge has opened doors that will continually reveal new equally cursed knowledge without end 

- death and madness are no longer escapes 

I'm dealing with at least three of these this week, and it's awkward. The fear and dread I experienced in the dream resonated strongly with the death experience I had last year during my overdose. It's hard to articulate, but it's like having recurring dreams about zombies only to wake one day starting to shamble and crave brains.

I suppose this is the risk in exploring different head-spaces. You need to take the bad trips with the good. It's just that on top of everything else I've been through these last few years, the uncanny feeling that I've been infected by some psychic parasite/predator is... not helpful.

Drew this in a game of Gartic Phone ✨

Mental illness is so weird. Something that made me ecstatic and so fucking happy a week ago now leaves an ache in my chest, a soul deep, bittersweet ache, that threatens to bring me to tears.

Being the nerdy lesbian I am, this post is a fandom post. Lol. Doesn't make it less real, though.

That Imodna kiss got me deep, deep in my feels.

Two: mention of harming ones self (not major tho I'm fine)

So went to my therapist. Well more like medicine provider but I forgot the technical term for that. And I was talking about sleep meds cuz I've had to be on sleep meds and melatonin because I have really bad sensory issues. Like meltdown and sometimes even hurting myself kind of bad. So I talked to my therapist this time and she said that I might have OCD, but I'm kind of confused cuz I also had doctors labeled me with ADHD and autism. I honestly don't know what the problem is but I just got on OCD medicine see if that helps. I would love to get a psych eval, but the closest center that does a psychopath is two cities away. It'd be an 8-hour drive going there and back and it's a major city so hotel cost and stuff like that would probably bankrupt me. My mom says that she's going to try and take me as soon as possible but we just got a new car and she's afraid that I might break down during the trip. I honestly don't know what to do I love to have some kind of diagnosis so I know what to do. I want to be able to just live like a neurotypical person. I want to be able to do things like sit on my bed or wear leggings without literally wanting to rip off my skin. I've talked to my brother about this and he said that he could believe if I was autistic because of how I acted as a kid. Again I honestly don't know what I am I just want to know I want to find it out so I can fix it as soon as possible. Cuz not only is it exhausting but it is breaking me I need help bad. Oh the joy of being poor in a capitalist society so I can't fix my own fucking problems.