Corpse In The Mirror

Corpse in The Mirror

I'm someone else again,

Or am I?

Through my eyes

In the mirror I see,

A living corpse,

That doesn't feel like me.

What am I?

Im going insane!

As I laugh away my pain.

Someone else, someone else,

Someone else not entirely.

I wake up with church bells.

Oh, lord Christ!

Heal me of my sickness!

And I feel like less.

Nothing can save me,

Help me,

Make me free.

Shackles are bound,

My arms and legs,

To the Lord I found.

I pray so loud,

But does he hear me?

I don't see.

With my Rapist

When I was 13,

I was raped,

Since then I've never felt clean,

Especially because it wasn't Typical SA.

He was 13 too,

And he still groomed me.

He took my hand, my will wasn't free,

I still said yes unknowing of what he put me through.

He only touched me but it still left a scar,

I never wanted his touch in the first place.

I was so in love like an alcoholic with a bar,

Now I shudder whenever I have to see his face.

He never showed me love,

And I was just a child.

I thought if I said yes he'd love me,

We were exclusive after all.

He broke up the very next day,

He even groomed me to do it with 13 instead of older like I wanted to,

So i was shattered and I begged him to stay,

Because how could he not love me after all he put me through?

I was just a child,

This was my first relationship.

Now i have to see him everyday,

And I have no say,

Because we go to school together.

Thinking about ending it all

Thinking about ending it all,

Cutting open my throat,

Like a sacrificial goat,

Maybe I'll do it in fall.

I'm losing hope,

I want to starve,

I want to carve,

Into my skin like Soap.

I wish to leave,

Living is not for me,

Here I'll never be free,

Here awaits only grief.

But I never go,

I stay because of a glimmer of hope,

And no motivation to tie the rope,

Or myself into the river throw.

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A friend of my friendgroup blocked me. I don't consider the group friends anymore.