I Am Alone - Tumblr Posts
The funny part is that, I do not even want to die.
I am just genuinely left with no options.
I feel very alone in my way of thinking, at least with people I know. No one around me thinks like I do. I can hold deep conversation with others, but I always hit an intellectual wall with certain individuals as I also understand not everyone is well versed as I myself am not as well versed as others; as I also understand that humans are not all the same and have different levels of strengths, with many, varying interchangeably. Whether it be physically, intellectually, or (ambiguously) spiritually. However, It's just the small circle I do hangout with (mostly family, as I was always an outcast and had no friends that lasted up to today) doesn't think like I do (no disrespect to my family whatsoever as I love and care for them so much and my thinking is a conglomerate of their thoughts and feelings meshed with (mostly) my thoughts and feelings). I am not perfect, as no one is, but no one (in my circle) is a deep thinker like I am because they are scared of getting lost in thought. I've even had people say basically that they love their ignorance. Though I also know and respect that no two individuals are alike. But I also would agree that ignorance is blissful and very peaceful, as when you're ignorant you are happier than others as you have not so much of the world to worry your mind. Sort of like the mind of a child who hasn't fully discovered the world yet. A child who hasn't had much rigid world experience like your average child of today who's mind has had experience in nearly everything thanks to the internet and it's readily availability. Unlike a child that was pre-internet and fully protected by their parents and didn't have to grow up early like a child with an uneasy upbringing. Sort of like a child ( for example) who had to get a job early or (for example) a child who was forced to experience adult activity due to maybe irresponsible adults that were around them or (for example) a child experiencing irresponsible neighbors' unruly activities or (for example) a child growing up watching the news. Such things makes a child "more experienced" with life in a sense, but it also comprises the peace/ bliss which was essentially written into their DNA. Our DNA as humans. I think about these things often and when I try to talk to others about it, I hit an intellectual wall. Which ultimately leaves me feeling lonely. "Broaden your circle" they say. But many don't realize it's hard to find people who don't fall to the easy temptation of the ego; a big turn off for me which lives within all people, even in myself at times. Which makes me even unique and alone, as I recognize such a flaw in myself; ultimately making me my own worst enemy. With that, I may also consider my younger mind to have been compromised by worldly preoccupation; which I also believe contributes to my internal conflictions. My early morning thoughts.. Can't sleep
[20:50] It sucks to be the only one left behind. People moving forward and you are strapped down by force of mind and by force of nature, your own mind trapping you in an endless spiral of self-hate. No one seems to aknowledge your mair existence, let alone your fears and needs and the tears skimming down your face night by night.
I have been the strong one for so long. I can not take it anymore. And if someone does not notice it soon enough, I’ll explode,and my blood and my insides will spill on your feet and you’ll have to ask where did you go wrong, what did you not do right.
Cause you’ll have my blood on your collarbones and my throbbing heart in your palm.
PLEASE END THIS TORTURE
I am done. My mum, while we were coming back from the stable, decided to talk with me about my cuts and sh so she parked the car somewhere and said "Tell me honestly, do you still cut yourself ? You know that your cutting is so hard for me to handle."
I said that I stopped cutting (what is a lie)
She "You've changed, I can see it and I think you still cut yourself."
"No, I don't."
"Can you please give me your every blade and razor?"
"Sure"
"You won't hide any?"
"No" (ofc I did)
"It's so hard for me to handle your cutting."
I don't think I've changed but okay....I will give her my blades but I've already hid few. But my mood ? Totally dropped....I don't know anymore....
I have no reason to live but no energy to kill myself
type “i am” in the tags and whatever comes up first is your new mandatory kin
type “i am” in the tags and whatever comes up first is your new mandatory kin
Me dijiste que sea feliz y que busque mi felicidad, pero cómo puedo ser feliz si no te tengo...
-. Luhana ✨[21/12]✨
Auf unserer Erde leben so viele Menschen, aber dennoch ist man immer Alleine.
I really am just a hello kitty lookin for her dear daniel
life being the only single friend in the group
So sometimes I feel so bad that I just wanna write a story about it.
In this case, it's about something that happened recently that I kind of want to add to normalities (some story I wrote).
You see, I'm friendless and have never had a true friend who just cares about me. I don't know if it's me or the world, but either way I'm in the group of people who always feels left out.
So, you have no idea how happy I was when 3 years ago I made a friend who had similar interests, hobbies, and was willing to hear me and my boring ass out.
However, that seemingly ended about a month ago now. Here I am really thinking it's my fault we fell out of our friendship, but I have to keep telling myself that it's not me.
Outside of our shared interests, we weren't on the same wavelength. I'm an introvert who needs to be alone every once and a while and he was more amibverted who liked being around people and talking for hours out of the day.
Even though we were both into video games, I happened to love the LoZ. He didn't. He loved Mario and I'm not the biggest Mario player.
Then there was the issue of my biggest hobby. Writing.
Sigh
You know, sometimes I hate writing because everyone is very intimidated by it. Either because they see it as a "difficult" hobby to be into or they simply don't want to care about a story you got at 3 in the morning.
In this case, I could tell I was pushing my hobby onto him and at some point I disliked talking to him because it always felt like I had to suppress my hobby to not annoy him.
I actually really do hate that I tend to people please. I never say what's on my mind and I instead proactively act different to be sure there's no discourse.
Again, I can see some of my issues and it's impossible to change myself. But it really hurts when you can never find anyone even close to the way you think act or feel.
Years and years have gone by and all of my friends have left me because I was too boring, I stopped being useful to them, or I simply couldn't be a friend to someone who doesn't care.
I'm just venting because I'm always in my feels at night.
I think I opted against posting this because I was "happy" for a time, but for me, that never lasts and most the time it's never even real.
It's all just...
Motionless
Sometimes, I feel motionless and it is something I wish would never leave.
Other times, I feel motionless and want it to go away, to never return to me.
I don't control either of these feelings, but they show how I'm feeling better than I could ever explain.
Sometimes, I'm motionless and everything stops. My fears, stress, and anxiety all stop.
Almost as if whatever I was dealing with has ran its course and is behind me.
Other times, I feel motionless like the world is trapping me in my worries and the future I know nothing about.
Feeling motionless is something I wish would happen more often, but I also wish to cease as well.
I try not to take this for granted. The feeling that I need to stop and pause because there's no rush to get to the end. I should take my time and just be motionless when I need to.
That feeling that the next second I waste doing nothing is only trapping me in my difficult moments. That staying still will only be my downfall.
No matter which one passed my night away, it's happening to remind me of the things that are gone and the things that will come.
As much as I don't wanna write this, I just need to get it out somewhere...
I do struggle with love. Both in loving myself and anyone else. I want affection just like everyone else, but it doesn't come to me. When it does, it's fleeting and I'm unsure if it will ever remain.
Maybe I haven't actually learned to love myself, but I don't know what else there is to love. I've learned to love what others see, I've embraced the darker parts of myself, and want to improve myself always. I don't know how more self-love I can give.
I want something I can't give myself.
And it hurts to think I'll always only love myself and no one will feel the same.
I'm not feeling it today I'm very hurt and had no other outlet
I’m not upset or hurts uh well 2: guys block me uh :
:@Zippykinky , @maleinflatee3310 theses guys I mean one othe guy is from Canada nice and sweet then bam blocked me or something or did I do something or say was wrong, then the other guy just min ago chatted and barely knows each other then nice and thoughtful and bam nothing 2 guys blocked if they don’t want to chat then I I idk I’m in bad moments rn luckily I drank coffee tdy tbh I’m gonna do everymonth and everyyear for 24/7 hr loop 🔁 to hid my pains my emotions forever and idc if my heart go boom idc it’s better to hide it then express it
*I feel #worthless #idiot #loner even w my condition #Congenital #Arhinia mean I was born w no nose cuz I hav a boned nose Ik I’m : #weird , #dumb, #useless #gay guy ever Ik but I’m handling my emotions by not expressing it tbh like forever ♾️ forever regardless my age is but still DW I’m use to be : #alone #etcetcetcetc*
