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A Preface on What’s to Come

So I’m writing this almost a month since my home country declared a community quarantine (which has now become enhanced and will last until the end of the month) due to the current pandemic. I could’ve done this earlier, but given how everything felt (and still is) chaotic about the situation, I had to prioritize some things and compose myself first before coming here.

Now that’s out of the way, I am writing this to serve as an introduction to what’s going to unfold in this blog a few days (or weeks) from now. I don’t want you, my dear reader, to go into this blindly, so this primer will consist of three parts that I advise you read first before I get to post my fics. Without further ado…

I.  Why I Stan Who I Stan, aka Why I Love Johnny Suh

He wouldn’t be the name of this blog if I didn’t love him, right? But he wasn’t my first bias in the group at all. So let me take you back to the beginning, which was in late 2019 where I rediscovered SHINee. I was already in a nostalgic kick then, listening to my anime soundtracks and J-Pop a few weeks earlier. When I saw my friend and officemate’s SHINee compilation in her hard drive, I had to copy it since I think I’m ready to listen to them again. I don’t know if other Shawols experienced this but it felt painful to listen to the group after Jonghyun passed away. Although the rest of the boys still carried on in making more music, it took me until last year to fully move on.

Anyway, listening to SHINee led me to rediscover and love K-pop again. I became immersed in Taemin’s solo work – yes, I am almost three years late to MOVE but I would still love to perfect its choreography – and it was love at first listen to KEY’s solo album. After all, they were my next two biases after Jonghyun.

Since their solo works were not enough to satiate my K-pop hunger, I learned that Taemin was going to be a part of Super M and that opened more boy groups to me. I learned of EXO (I pretty much ignored them when I was in college because I am pretty loyal to SHINee and Super Junior at the time) and NCT because of this supergroup that was going to debut in the States pretty soon. I even set my alarm to watch their debut stage in LA on YouTube because I’m that excited for them!

So at first, Mark was my bias in NCT, followed by Ten. If you concluded that I have a thing for English speakers, then yes, maybe that’s the case why they appealed to me more than the others (except Taemin, of course, he will always be my favorite). Then one thing led to another, which means I fell into an NCT hole of watching their videos on YouTube. One of the first ones I watched was their Buzzfeed interview and Johnny’s humor struck me the most. I watched more, and then I realized that hey, I want to be friends with this guy; I think we’ll get along well.

Since I only have my childhood best friend to talk to about my renewed K-pop obsession, I told her I was going to write fics again. Being the supportive person that she is, she read them and commented on them once she was done. And yes, I am going to share those with you and I hope you’ll let me know what you think about them.

There was a line in one fic that caught her attention, prompting me to write about the character and Johnny being best friends who eventually fall in love with each other. I took on her challenge, and the more that I wrote, the more that I fell for him. I watched more videos of him too so I would be more inspired to write. That worked since I was able to write a fic (or two!) every day while I didn’t do anything at work.

I don’t want to call it a slow burn because I knew it took me a couple of weeks to fully fall for Johnny. Let’s just say he grew on me in a short period and you’ll read more about that in the fics to come.

So as early as now, I’m going to warn you guys that most of my fics will have lengthy introductions too because I like to explain myself a lot.

II.   When Y/N Gets a Real Name

The first fics I wrote started with just Y/N. My childhood best friend, who continues to serve as my audience, didn’t mind it initially but then gave me the suggestion to give Y/N a name. She added that a play on my name would be nice and Y/N eventually became Essie. Since I go by J here, I’ll leave you to assume what my real name is which will eventually be revealed anyway since that’s her real name too.

You may also assume that the fics are a manifestation of my delulu dreams and let’s be honest here – aren’t most, if not all, fics that way? Especially when there’s Y/N involved, don’t you agree? Since I have been writing these fics for almost six months now, Essie has developed into a character of mine that is similar to me and at the same time, an annoying person who irks me sometimes. I’ll get around to that but for now, I feel she is more than just a projection of a fangirl’s deepest, darkest desires.

I hope you won’t mind if she is the subject of affection for the fics unless stated. But for now, she’s had her way with the boys – and yes, the fics aren’t all about her and Johnny.  

P.S. My childhood best friend was one of the first characters to have a name in my fics and it’s also one of Kai’s many nicknames. If you are a true EXO-L, then you’d know that in a heartbeat. I find it cute because that’s also one of her many nicknames and her bias in the group is Kai, so…I live to please.

III. Purpose and Other Things You Need to Know About This Blog

The main purpose why I put up this blog is to share my works with everyone. I just don’t want to be limited to my childhood best friend, you know?

And to be honest, I have written for a lot of fandoms but my fics never got to see the light until now. I don’t know why I suddenly feel so confident to share them this time but I hope that they will make you feel things – whether that’s happy, sad, giddy, loved, or whatever – and you can let me know what you think. I would appreciate it if you can give constructive criticism, and of course, I would love it if you’ll share your favorite parts. I often re-read my fics for inspiration and most of the time, they crack me up because I would have never thought to write something about this or that.

This is also not strictly a Johnny and Essie blog since it will also feature other K-pop groups that I am a fan of. In short, expect appearances from other SM Entertainment boy groups as well. Johnny and Essie aren’t the only pairings here since I also love other NCT members but not as much as I love my gentle giant. Since you already know my first bias, then you’ll get to read about my bias wrecker soon.

The fics are also not in chronological order because I don’t work that way. I write what I think of and things build up from there. So if I post something about Johnny and Essie being friends on one day and then have them as a couple in the next, don’t be surprised. Maybe once all scenarios have been written, then I can piece them in proper order.

I may not be able to update daily because I have to focus on my day job first. But I will still try my best to post here as often as I could and interact with you guys.

So if you have further questions that you think I have not covered, then let me know through the comments.

Here’s to a fluffy, cheesy, and sometimes smutty reading experience!

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

Love Song

To soften the blow of the previous post, here’s a fluffy one-shot guaranteed to make you feel warm in this rainy weather. Well, if you also come from where I am though – ingat tayo, mga kaibigan!

Grab a mug of your preferred hot beverage, and cozy up to this piece inspired by my favorite song from Neo Zone! 

Too bad there’s no GIF for that though, so please enjoy this aesthetically-pleasing one of what you should do right now. 

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :)

–––

POV: 3rd person since this is part of my recent writing before coronavirus made us its prisoners.

Word count: 1,200 + words 

Warning: This is fluffy as hell, and this is a Johnny/Essie piece before they got together. 

Recommended listening: Do I even need to say it? Stream Love Song, you guys! I repeated it over and over until I finished writing this. 

–––

Who would’ve thought that sharing an umbrella would spark something between two friends?

It was already the rainy season, and Johnny hated it. He didn’t like lugging around an umbrella, which he thought added unnecessary weight to his bag. He’d rather wear a cap instead, but knew that wouldn’t do anything to protect him from even the lightest of rains.

Essie, on the other hand, was alright with it. She was used to constant rains since it was the only other season she had in her home country. She was always equipped with a small umbrella inside her bag, and if the weather forecast reported that there would be heavy rains, she stuffed her parka into it as well.

The two were about to meet for their usual Starbucks hangout, but then it suddenly rained hard. Johnny groaned at how unfortunate this was, frowning at the large droplets that decorated his window.

Oh man, it’s raining. I hate it, he texted Essie, leaning against the wall and looking at the dreary landscape outside his apartment with disdain.

Aw, it’s fine. Just wear your raincoat and bring an umbrella. And don’t forget to waterproof your stuff too, just in case, was her reply a few seconds later, making him groan louder.

This woke up his roommate Mark, who was sleeping on the sofa. “Hey, what’s up, hyung?”

“Hey Mark, it’s raining. Essie and I are supposed to meet at Starbucks today,” Johnny replied, pointing to the window with his thumb.

“No wonder I feel like sleeping some more,” the younger guy mumbled, lying down on the couch again and wrapping himself in the thick blanket by his foot.

“Ugh, this sucks. I can’t stand the rain,” the older guy whispered to no one in particular, staring at his window until the rain started to calm down.

///

After a few more text exchanges, Essie decided to pick up Johnny at his apartment. You’re a big guy yet you can’t handle the rain, she messaged him, her annoyance evident in her tone.

Hey, what’s it to you? I really don’t like it, babe. I’m sorry I have to make you do this, but I promise, I’ll return the favor tenfold, he replied, rolling his eyes at how irate she sounded in her message.

Well, have you experienced getting your home flooded? I would get it if you have trauma because of that, but never mind. I’m already on my way, was her last message which he didn’t have anything to say back.

He has read the news that it is common for her home country to get flash floods during the monsoon season, which made him wonder if her house there has indeed been flooded before.

///

Essie arrived a few minutes past 2 p.m. and was completely dry (and cozy) in her olive green parka. She gave Johnny a silent wave once he opened the door.  

“Hey, baby,” he pulled her a bit closer to him and kissed the top of her head. “Thanks for doing this. I’ll make it up to you,” he hooked one arm around her waist and closed the small gap between them.

“Uh, thanks,” she mumbled, leaning her cheek against his shoulder. “But we better get a move on. The rain might get stronger soon..” She pried herself off him and took out the umbrella that she stuffed on the exterior pocket of her jacket.

When she opened it, Johnny laughed. “Essie, how will we fit in that?” The girl’s umbrella was good for one person, cramming two would result in one’s shoulders getting drenched.

“That’s why I said you should wear your parka,” she sighed, stepping away from his doorway. “Let’s go, Mr. Suh.”

///

Usually, it took them 10 to 15 minutes to walk to the nearest Starbucks. However, since it was raining, it felt like forever.

Essie insisted to be the one to hold the umbrella, despite hitting Johnny’s head numerous times with it. “Baby, please,” he grumbled, “let me hold the freaking umbrella. You know I can definitely cover both our heads with it without injuring the other.”

“This is part of my service to you, sir,” she replied, accidentally hitting his head again with the umbrella. “Sorry about that!” She giggled at the sight of her companion rubbing his head and making faces on how it hurt.

If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t hurt by the times she hit his head repeatedly. He was enjoying every time their shoulders bumped into each other as they walked. He pretended to be hurt initially, but when he didn’t get a reaction from her, he let it slide and watched her intently as she held the umbrella as high as she could without losing her focus on the road.

If one of his shoulders kept hitting hers, the other was soaked. He was glad that he followed her advice and wore his parka. Although he felt cold on the outside because of his damp shoulder, his insides felt warm because of their proximity.

He wanted to slip his free hand into hers and give it a gentle squeeze as a way to show his appreciation. He was able to do so when Essie walked a bit too early for the pedestrian light to go green and was about to be hit by a motorcycle. He pulled her toward him before something bad happened, and both looked at each other in shock.

“Essie, be careful please,” he said softly while squeezing her hand.

“I’m sorry, John,” she replied in the same manner, her hand still in his.

As the pedestrian light went green, the two never let go of the other’s hand. Once they reached the other side, Johnny plucked the umbrella from Essie’s grip and held it. “Now let me, please,” he said, earning the nod of his friend.

They walked in silence toward Starbucks, which was only a few meters away. Both processed what just happened, and to an outsider’s perspective, their cheeks (and ears) were flushed.

Johnny thought that he was starting to like the rain better, minus the part that his best friend and secret crush was about to be hit by a motorcycle. Essie was convinced that sharing umbrellas can be a sweet (and cute) way for people to get together. Not that she’s expecting Johnny to court her soon, but she felt something in the way he held her hand when he pulled her toward him.

She took a glance at him, and he caught her. “Yes, baby?” He asked, flashing him a smile that made her cold heart warm.

“Thanks for, you know, saving me,” she said in a small voice before looking away. She felt her ears were burning at how flustered she was.

“Aw, no problem. You know I’ve always got your back,” his hand that held hers now moved around her waist and pulled her close to him. “And now we’re here.”

Both looked up at the logo of Starbucks above the door, and Essie got the umbrella from his other hand to close it. Johnny opened the door once that was done, and they took refuge in the warmth that their favorite coffee shop had to offer.

–––

FIN

Housemates (Mark)

Before I share another serious post, I’m introducing this short series of NCT members (particularly my biases) as Essie’s housemates. Like most of my writing, this is going to be fluffy and hilarious if you believe it to be. 

Fun fact is, Mark’s the first NCT member I wrote a story about. Should I post that here? Let me know! After all, I liked him in Super M first. Not that I don’t love the group anymore, but I am more in love with NCT than any other group now. 

Without further ado, please enjoy this feel-good piece and this adorable GIF of him!

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :) 

–––

Summary: I was inspired to write this because of this Instagram post. Most of the scenes here, and for the rest that will follow, are based on these scenarios. 

POV: 2nd person since this was written last year. 

Word count: 1,700 + words

Warning: Aside from the fluff, maybe there’s a teeny bit of angst with Johnny not relating to them. That’s about it! 

–––

Since you moved in with Johnny and Mark, your life has never been more exciting. Sure, living with Nini was nice and all, but there were more challenges living with two guys.

First, Mark was a messy guy in comparison to Johnny. The younger guy’s clothing can be seen everywhere in the house – a hoodie on a dining seat, a pair of shorts on the couch, and a t-shirt on top of the shower curtain.

However, it bothered you when he left his pants in your bedroom. “Mark Lee,” you started, “why did your pants end up here in my bedroom?” You held the pair of khakis in your hands and looked at it with disdain.

He gave you a sheepish grin before grabbing it from your hands. “I’m sorry, Essie noona, I thought this was my bedroom when I came here late at night yesterday. I was kind of drunk, so…”

You remembered that you slept over at Ten’s when you had to ask him for help on a project. Johnny was out of town, and Mark was the only one left in the apartment. You didn’t know that he ended up in your bed when you were out, and it made you blush.

“Make sure this doesn’t happen again, okay?” You softened your voice this time, and he nodded in response.

“I’m really sorry about this. How can I make it up to you?” Mark looked at you with puppy eyes and all your irritation on what he did vanish.

“Well, I suppose you can let me choose the movie we’re going to watch later tonight,” you said after carefully thinking of your answer.

“Sure, no problem! Would you like some coffee as well? My treat,” he flashed you a smile as he hung his pants over his shoulder.

“Johnny gets that for me usually, but since he’s not here, why not? You already know my order, right?”

“White Chocolate Mocha with low-fat milk and no whip.”

“That’s a good boy. Now,” you looked at him sternly again, “leave my room before I kick your butt!”

\\\

In the end, you decided to watch ‘A Serbian Film’. You were up for a horrible mindfuck, and Mark was hesitant on your pick.

“I mean, it’s okay if we watch a silly rom-com. I won’t mind at all,” He offered, scrolling through his Netflix account for a feel-good movie to watch.

“But aren’t you curious why it has a cult following, and why it’s banned?” You asked, eyes sparkling in excitement.

“Essie, don’t corrupt poor baby Mark,” Johnny chimed in, grabbing the DVD of the said film from your hands. He had just arrived from his trip and still had the energy to join you guys.

“What do you suggest we watch then?” You pouted, trying to get the DVD Johnny confiscated.

“How about ‘Benji’?” Mark’s suggestion got the taller guy squealing. “Oh my, let’s watch that! I haven’t watched a dog movie in ages!”

You noticed that Mark was laughing at his hyung’s reaction, which made you smile. His joy was contagious and later, you were laughing along. Johnny couldn’t stop gushing about dogs that eventually, you had to shut him up when Mark has already set up the television.

\\\

There were times Johnny can’t relate to you and Mark. For instance, both of you were almost in tears because of an inside joke only you and he have.

The three of you were eating dinner at home when a cucumber slice fell off your plate. This got Mark laughing, probably remembering the joke you two had about said vegetable one night ago.

You shot him a glare, but he didn’t see it. He kept on laughing until Johnny raised an eyebrow at him. “What’s so funny about a cucumber slice, Mark Lee?” You and Johnny tend to call the younger guy that whenever you berated him.

“Oh, nothing. Please, just ignore me,” He waved his hand to show that he was making a fuss out of nothing, but you weren’t buying it.

All of you continued eating in silence, but another cucumber slice fell off your plate again. “Essie, can you please look where your food is going?” Johnny sounded annoyed as he pointed his fork at the cucumber slice on the table.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” you mumbled, using your fork to get the vegetable. When you stabbed it too hard, Mark burst into laughter.

“Maaaark!” You and Johnny scolded, which the younger guy ignored. “But Essie noona!” he wheezed in between his laughter, pointing at the cucumber.

Eventually, you gave in and laughed as well. You had to admit, that was a pretty funny joke that you made.

Johnny groaned at the sight of you and Mark laughing your brains out. “If you don’t want to loop me in, then I’m going to excuse myself,” he said, quietly leaving the table.

You didn’t notice his absence as you and Mark continued to build upon your joke and laugh some more.

\\\

When you couldn’t sleep at night, you were grateful for their presence. Usually, Nini fell asleep on you while you blabbered about the existence of aliens or other conspiracy theories you watched on YouTube.

Now that you were living with the boys, they accompanied you on the couch with their preferred drink of choice – non-decaf coffee for Johnny and melon milk for Mark – and talked to you about anything.

However, there was a time that the older guy was the first to retire from your late-night talks. “I’m hitting the hay,” he said in between yawning. “Night, babies,” he patted Mark’s head while he pecked your cheek.

You resumed talking about crystal skulls as you and Mark curled in your respective corners of the sofa. You were animatedly discussing how they presumably came to be, and when he shared his opinion, you noticed that he also mimicked your hand gestures.

Before you knew it, the sun had already risen. Rays of sunlight peeked through the curtains, and you saw that Mark yawned.

“Well, let’s wrap this up,” you started to get up from the couch, “and go to sleep. All it took for you to yawn was the sun, eh?” You kid, making the younger guy chuckle.

“Thanks for spending some time with me, Marky.”

There was no sign of him getting up from the couch. “I’m too tired to get up now. I’ll sleep here,” he mumbled while grabbing one of the pillows beside him.

“Okay, I’ll go now,” you ruffled his hair before going back to your bedroom. “Sleep tight.”

\\\

“Dude, are you going to be there the whole day?”

You heard Johnny say from across your bedroom. You were reading a book, the door of your room slightly open when you heard one of your housemates talk in an exasperated manner.

No one responded. All you could hear was the loud sound of water coming from the shower.

“It’s been an hour already, Mark Lee!” Johnny was pounding on the door already. “I can’t hold it in anymore!”

“Hold up! I’m not yet done!” Mark finally spoke, making the older guy groan. “The other bathroom’s out of service, and I need to shit now!”

You couldn’t help but laugh at how hilarious this conversation was going, and even stood up to peek how Johnny was doing. He was crouching on the door, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. “Please Mark, hurry up,” he murmured, rubbing his stomach.

“Mark, please, Johnny needs to use the bathroom right now,” you shouted, hoping that he will understand his hyung’s predicament. You rushed to Johnny’s side and rubbed his back, which he appreciated. “Thanks, baby, I hope it helps,” he whispered.

A few minutes later, Mark emerged from the bathroom, and Johnny pushed him aside immediately. This made the younger guy stumble, and you stepped aside so he doesn’t fall over you. He fell flat on his face, and he cried in pain. “Johnny hyung, that hurt!” He said, clutching his knee towards his chest. You helped him stand up, and you saw that his ears were all red.

You just helped Mark Lee stand up from a humiliating fall while wearing a towel around his waist.

“Thanks, Essie noona,” he mumbled. You nodded and patted him on the back. “Please try to lessen your shower hours if you can, okay? Unless the other bathroom’s fixed, then I won’t stop you.”

Your words inspired him to make the repairs to the other bathroom to be done as soon as possible as he had a hand in fixing it.

Looks like no one can stop him and his long-ass showers.

\\\

“How about this, Essie noona?” Mark asked, holding up an orange hoodie in front of you.

You were in his bedroom as he wanted your opinion on what he would wear to a blind date set up by Yuta.

“Isn’t that a bit too casual? Where is the date going to happen?” You looked at the hoodie again, which was oversized and had text printed on the sleeves.

“It’s going to be a casual one,” he said, eyeing the garment as well, “maybe at a park or a café? I don’t want to be too overdressed.”

“Get another one. It’s too loud. And why are you asking me this instead of Johnny?”

Mark grinned first before he rubbed the back of his neck. “I want to ask you for a change, noona. I want to know what kind of clothing girls like their men to wear on a first date…”

His comment made you smile since he thought that your opinion mattered. “To be honest Marky, it doesn’t matter. But if you want to leave a good impression, try dressing up a little bit. Maybe a short-sleeve shirt with a vest on top? That’s a bit dorky and cute, just like you.”

When you realized that you told him that he was both dorky and cute, you covered your mouth. You just hoped he didn’t hear it.

“Oh, that’s a great suggestion. Okay, I’ll go with that. Thanks!” He gave you a fist bump, which you returned enthusiastically. “Sure thing, little bro. Good luck on your date!”

You left Mark’s bedroom thinking about how you wish you can tag along, and see how his blind date will turn out.

Maybe you and Johnny can go undercover and spy on him? You rushed into the room beside you, hoping that he will agree with your plan.

–––

FIN

P.S. Plot twist: Yuta is Mark’s blind date! And what could be his inside joke with Essie about cucumbers?

The Pull of You

Brace yourselves, guys – this shit’s heavy. I wrote this during a moment of depression, so expect heavy themes here. 

This piece is connected to Conflicted, so if you want to know what happens after that, then click that link below.

Mahal ko kayong lahat! :) 

–––

Summary: The aftermath of Essie’s affair with Jaehyun complicates her dynamic with her house mates, most especially her boyfriend Johnny. That’s already a given, but how do they resolve this? Or will they ever do? 

POV: 3rd person. 

Word count: 3,000 + words 

Warning: Aside from the drama and angst this piece exudes, there is also a mention of cutting here. Please don’t do it, kids. Don’t be like who’s still trying to recover from it. And of course, smoking again if you’re sensitive to it. 

Recommended listening: If you concluded that I’ll recommend The National here, then you are correct. I listened to ‘The Pull of You’ and ‘You Have Your Soul With You’ repeatedly while writing this. Lyrics from the song are in bold and italic. 

–––

The affair ruined her. Essie slowly descended into madness, her conscience guilty, and her thoughts spiraling out of control with a million thoughts.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t afford to see Jaehyun behind Johnny’s back. It lasted for a week, and she had to tell her lover that she had to end this.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can continue this anymore,” she sobbed, “I want to love you both, but I can only love one of you. I should only love one of you.”

“I know, mon amour. I understand,” was Jaehyun’s reply as he rubbed her back. “I know this wasn’t meant to last long, I know that you love him more than me.”

“I’m so sorry, Jay. I really am. Maybe in another lifetime, we could’ve been,” she sobbed even harder this time.

Jaehyun spent the whole afternoon comforting her and gave her his last kiss before they went their separate ways. “I have no regrets, I am happy that we became together for a moment,” he whispered.

Essie didn’t reply, she was already a mess that couldn’t be fixed.

\\\

In the next few weeks, Johnny noticed that his girlfriend wasn’t acting her usual self. She didn’t talk to him that much and was always holed up in her room.

Although he did his best to be the most caring and patient boyfriend a girl could ever have, Essie wasn’t responding to any of his sweet gestures. He hadn’t heard her speak more than a few words. She didn’t even greet him or say thanks.

As much as he wanted to confront her, he knew that he couldn’t handle the sight of her crumbling in front of him. He let her be for the moment, hoping for the day that she will be back to her usual jolly self.

However, he felt hurt when he saw her conversing with Mark. She looked fine as he saw them talking in her bedroom, as there was a small space open in her door that he could peek through. The younger guy was listening intently to her story, and he observed how she was more animated compared to the past few weeks.

When Johnny saw Mark emerge out of Essie’s bedroom, he wasn’t able to ask his other housemate what he was doing there. Mark walked away with his head bowed, as if he was avoiding any conversation with his hyung. This left Johnny standing on the hallway with his mouth agape, his eyes fixated on the closed door of his girlfriend’s room.

What could have he done to deserve this?

\\\

Mark felt conflicted about the stories that his dear Essie noona told him. He wasn’t sure if he was the right person to listen to this kind of story, but he had to now that she and her boyfriend weren’t on speaking terms lately.

Essie told Mark of her affair with Jaehyun. It only lasted for a week, but she felt horrible that she was able to do it. She never expected that she would end up like her father. She should not tolerate cheating since that was what tore her family apart.

“I love them both, Mark,” she wiped a tear from her eye, “but I don’t know how I can tell John about this. I don’t know what to do if he leaves me. And I don’t know if I can pursue a relationship with Jaehyun further now.”

He just held her hand and squeezed it, not knowing what to say. “I’m sorry if I told you this, but I needed someone to talk to. This might be a lot for you to process, but what do you think I should do?”

When he saw how wrecked she looked, his heart ached. “I…I don’t know. I really don’t know,” were the only words he said before Essie cried for the hundredth time that week.

\\\

Essie didn’t come out of her room the whole day. That worried Johnny because even if they weren’t on speaking terms, she still slipped out of her room to eat (lately it’s only once a day) or use the bathroom.

It was already late in the evening, and the itch to confront her resurfaced. He took a deep breath and walked toward the landing where his keys were. He had the key to all of the rooms, hers included. It was time to take action.

He opened the door to her room and saw her bundled in her comforter. He almost dropped his phone when he noticed that there were bloodstains on it.

He rushed to her side and saw that the blood came from her wrists. They were still bleeding. He extracted a pair of scissors on her bed and threw it away. She had hurt herself.

“Maaaaark!” He shouted, trying not to let panic get to him. “Mark Lee, come here immediately, please!”

The younger guy peeked into Essie’s room and was shocked to see the bloodied comforter. “I’ll call 911,” he said, immediately fishing his phone out of his pocket to call the hotline.

Johnny unwrapped Essie from her beddings and examined the wounds she created. They were a bit fresh, and they still bled. He noticed that she wasn’t breathing regularly anymore.

He was crying throughout the ordeal – the medical staff had to calm him down, and Mark had to step up to take care of the situation.

He didn’t know why Essie ended up like this. She wasn’t talking to him for weeks. He gave her space, and he tried his best not to be mad at her. He was a kind, understanding, and caring partner. But she was being selfish, and it broke his heart day by day.

Now, he might lose her because he wasn’t strong enough to break her walls.

Is this how I lose it? Everything at once?

\\\

Essie’s thoughts continued to consume her.

I don’t deserve to be loved.

I have been a bad partner.

I have become like my father.

I am a whore, a slut, a bitch, or any derogatory names you could call me.

I am not worthy of Johnny’s love, nor Jaehyun’s.

I am the most selfish person on this planet.

I deserve to die.

She had no energy to get out of bed or even eat properly. She only had one meal a day, the portions becoming smaller each day. The last thing she ate was a single cracker.

As she buried herself deeper into her sheets, the desire to cut returned. Wordlessly, she got up from the bed and grabbed the nearest scissors she could find.

She shut her eyes and dragged it across her wrist first to see if it was sharp enough. She saw thin lines etched onto her skin, with one of them oozing a prick of blood.

She tried again, this time harder and slower. She let out a small grunt as she felt the metal digging into her skin. She felt the blood gush out, which was both a painful yet wonderful experience. She did it again to her other wrist albeit shakily, for the blood was making her lose her control.

They were thick gashes on each wrist, and she gave a faint smile at her work.

I wish all these thoughts would stop now, she thought as she closed her eyes. She felt faint, which she hoped would lead to her losing her conscience until she never gets it back.

\\\

When Essie opened her eyes, she was at the hospital. It was a sight she never thought she’d see or experience. There were bandages on her wrists, and she felt a twinge of pain when she tried to move her hands.

“You’re awake,” a voice beside her croaked. It was Johnny, who looked worse for wear. She tried to say anything, but her mouth was too dry. She settled on looking at him instead, observing the dark bags under his eyes and his messy hair.

“Do you need anything?” She shook her head. “Water?” Another shake. “Come on, baby, please,” he said, on the verge of tears.

She could only stare at him, her mind still processing everything that happened for the past few weeks.

“Why won’t you talk to me still? What did I do? I want to know if I hurt you in any way, so I know how I could make it up to you,” he started, tears falling from his eyes.

“You’ve been talking to Mark, but not me. Are you hiding something from me?”

Those words made her heart pound loudly against her chest, and she tried not to break from her poker face.

“Baby, whatever it is, please. Let me know. I’ll understand. Whatever you did, I’ll forgive you. Just talk to me.”

Still, Essie would not budge. She just stared at him crying, unable to say anything for fear of him breaking further than her.

I cheated, John. With your best friend. I’m sorry.

A tear slipped from her eye, which Johnny didn’t notice as he continued to weep in front of her.

There was a knock on the door, but that didn’t stop him from crying. The door creaked open, revealing Mark in his trademark baseball cap.

He was about to say anything but noticed that his hyung was close to bawling.

“I guess I’ll be back later,” he mumbled, about to close the door. That was when Essie found her voice back, even if it was hoarser than usual. “Mark,” she started, “please stay.”

The younger guy was surprised at this, and he re-entered the room. Johnny’s eyes widened that his girlfriend wanted to talk to his other roommate instead of him.

“Sorry, Johnny hyung, but can you excuse us for a second?” Mark whispered, still not making eye contact with him.

“I can’t believe this,” Johnny muttered, glaring at his housemates for a second before storming out of the room.

He went out of the hospital to calm himself down, and for the first time in ages, he lighted a stick.

\\\

Everything came back to her once she started speaking to Mark. The younger guy updated her on what happened, and he saw how her face was coming back to life with various expressions. Her eyebrows knitted, her mouth frowned, and her eyes expressed the most emotion of them all.

“Mark, I still don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to him, not like this,” she murmured, looking at her bandaged wrists.

“You have to now, Essie noona. Please. It’s breaking him too. If you don’t want him to leave, you have to do it,” he said, softly tapping her arm.

She cried again, and Mark took this opportunity to excuse himself and find Johnny so the lovers could finally talk.

\\\

It took Mark an hour to find his hyung. He tried calling, but he wouldn’t answer. He had to resort to calling their other friends. Eventually, he found him through Yuta. “He’s at that coffee house with the nice smoking area,” the Japanese guy said before he hung up.

It was the place that he went to with his girlfriend. Mark knew that Essie smoked, but she was trying to cut it down. He didn’t know if she had quit, but that didn’t matter now.

As he went to the smoking area, he saw Johnny blowing a smoke ring. “Johnny hyung,” he approached the guy carefully, afraid that he might hurt him due to what he witnessed earlier.

“Mark,” the older guy said harshly and even blew smoke at his face. “What brings you here?”

“I’m taking you back to the hospital. She needs you now,” he took a seat beside him and twiddled his thumbs out of nervousness.

“What makes you think she needs me? She only talks to you now! Tell me,” Johnny said as he put out the cigarette, “are you two in a secret relationship?”

Mark shook his head vigorously. “No, hyung. She already made her choice when she decided to be in a relationship with you. I will never do that to you, to her, or anyone.” His voice was firm.

“Then, why is she talking only to you? I’m always here for her. Mark, please tell me, what’s wrong? Why isn’t she talking to me?” The older guy was in tears again, his sadness and frustration about the situation coming up again.

“It’d be best that she explain it, to be honest. I don’t even know what to say,” Mark rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Please, Johnny hyung. Have a bit more patience. She’ll talk.”

“I’m doing the best that I could, Mark Lee. I hope I still have some patience in me left,” were Johnny’s last words before he went back to the hospital.

\\\

“Baby, you said you needed to talk to me?”

The six-footer was now seated beside his love, who looked more alive than he saw her earlier. She nodded, opening her palm and moving it toward his direction.

He took this as a cue to hold her hand, which he did. He was gentle in picking it up, slowly slipping in his fingers in between hers.

“Can you tell me why you hurt yourself? Can you tell me everything why you haven’t been talking to me in ages?” His voice cracked as he asked.

“I…I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I really am. I am truly, deeply sorry.”

“I know it’s easy to say I forgive you, but I don’t know if I can accept it just yet. You really hurt me,” Johnny’s grip tightened. “But I know you still have a lot to explain. Can you start?”

She looked at him with teary eyes, slowly untangling her hand from him. She didn’t know where to start. She didn’t know if she could say what she has practiced in her mind while she was waiting for him to return.

I had only one thing to do and I couldn’t do it yet.

///

It took some time for Essie and Johnny to repair their relationship. She wasn’t able to tell him what she really wanted to say when she was at the hospital. They just held hands and cried.

Once she was discharged, Johnny was hands-on in taking care of her. He didn’t leave her alone – he accompanied her to the bathroom, he slept beside her, and he was there for her when she had to go out of the house.

In one instance, they had to return to the hospital for a follow-up check-up and an appointment with the psychiatrist. They held hands as they went to the car silently. Essie didn’t talk that much, and if she did, she only gave single statements.

Johnny’s patience was wearing thin, but he prayed that the Lord give him more. He didn’t want to lose the love of his life, even if she still hasn’t told him everything yet.

From all the things that she said, he only knew that she was apologetic for everything.

Something's leaving me behind

It's just a feeling in my mind

\\\

It was during their ride to the hospital that Essie finally cracked.

“I’m sorry that I broke your heart,” she wept, looking away from him.

It had started raining outside, and they were stuck in traffic.

“I already forgive you for that,” he squeezed her hand. “Stop apologizing so much. I got it.” He bent forward to look at her face in the car window and saw that her eyes were red and puffy.

“It’s more than what you think, John. I really am sorry.”

He let go of her clammy hand and placed it on the steering wheel. Could it be?

A moment of awkward silence enveloped the car. They weren’t listening to any of their playlists lately. Music took a backseat in their lives as Johnny was intent to fix things with Essie.

“Who did you do it with?” His tone was serious, making the hairs on the back of Essie’s neck stand up.

“Jay,” she whispered as she sat up straight. “It was Jay.” She repeated with certainty.

“Jeong Jaehyun,” Johnny growled his best friend’s name. It made sense to him now. No wonder he wasn’t talking to him despite leaving multiple voice calls and private messages. “How dare he do this to me? But how could you too, Essie?” The instant change of tone of his voice made her heart ache.

It was one of the most painful things that she heard him say, along with the pleas that he said when she was at the hospital.

“I’m really sorry, John. There are no excuses for what I did. I gave in to temptation when I could’ve avoided it…” Essie’s voice cracked at each word she said, and she was in tears again.

“How long did it last?” Johnny’s question cut through her like a knife. He wasn’t dilly-dallying around.

“For a week. I couldn’t take it anymore…” She distracted herself by studying her hands since she didn’t want to cry all day. She knew she would cry more during her appointment with the psychiatrist.

“Essie…” He breathed, his eyes intent on the traffic sign. It was still red, and he was wishing that it would change to green.

“I’m sorry, Johnny. My sincerest apologies. I am remorseful for what I did. Please forgive me more for what I have done,” she said, taking a glance at his face.

Even if it pained her to see his reaction, she had to know how he felt.

He had an inscrutable expression as he continued to drive. Of course, it hurt him that his best friends cheated on him. Jeong Jaehyun, a man he considered his brother, had an affair with the woman he wanted to marry and have a family with.

He had to right to be angry about this. But he didn’t feel it right now. Instead, he felt defeated. Deflated. Depressed.

His love for Essie was too much that he wanted her to get better soon so they could fix their lives together.

Processing anger can take a toll on someone, and he didn’t want to feel that just yet. He would get angry later on. That could wait.

He took a look at Essie, who has now fallen asleep. He gave her a small smile before focusing his attention back on the road.

We're connected by a thread

If we ever get far apart

I'll still feel the pull of you

–––

FIN

P.S. I hope you didn’t make a drinking game out of all the times I mentioned hyung here!