Not Fine - Tumblr Posts
It's Fine.
I think the hardest thing I've encountered recently is the expectation that I be 'fine' now.
It's been almost a year since I was cut off, and I was very lucky to have a group of people who were there to catch me. They helped me wake up and come to terms with what that meant.
In the last year I have made progress; some of it inconceivable. But my shitty days are SHITTY and my hang ups are not gone.
I'm involved in a show an acquaintance of mine is organising to raise money for a mental health charity. The fb group is posting individual profiles of each collaborating artist.
I lost it when I found out. I hate pictures of myself, first and foremost, but him seeing the picture and knowing where i might be at some point is making me sweat. I asked politely to not be showcased; they obliged, but not without a raised eyebrow. The admin is a friend of mine, and she knows the story. She's absolutely empathetic, but it seemed like she thinks I should be passed this.
I'd love to be. And I'd also love to jump right in and start dating again like everyone keeps suggesting. You know, as if that would solve so many of my issues. While I have come to the conclusion that celebacy isn't my end goal, i am not ready to get out there. Remember that little attempt i made in May? Didn't exactly go well. Doesn't change popular opinion though. It's been long enough they say. It's time.
I also see my support system less and less. I like solitude, but there are times when i feel crushingly alone.
But it's been a year, and they all have their own troubles and I should be well enough to handle the worst moments even with my own conviction.
And I do. But I wonder how many of my old habits are creeping back in. The internalizing, the self loathing, the self destruction, the recklessness. It may be the fall out from my uncle being here, but i feel colder than i have in a while.
It's like my humanity is ebbing away again. And at times i feel i haven't progressed at all.
oh look, it’s another snippet!! this one is longer, and mostly dialogue. i love me some dialogue <33
one of my favorite fics im working on, even if it’s really, kinda concerning.. this fic came to me in a dream!! i domt wanna spoil it too much, but i often refer to this as “the charlie pov fic”, and sometimes “the scars fic”.
snippet under the cut!
“And just what do you think you’re doing, Miss Charlotte?”
She did not shriek, or squeal, or jump a foot in the air. Anybody who said so was a liar. What she did do was whip around to face Alastor.
He looked like shit, honestly. There were dark circles under his eyes, his suit had barely-there wrinkles, like he slept in it or something, and Charlie swears there are spots of dried blood littering said suit.
“Well?”
“I was coming to check on you.”
“Oh, is that so? Didn’t anyone teach you to knock? Or did your father not do that, either.”
“Okay, he may not- Ughhh. I tried knocking, I really did, but then you weren’t answering, and I thought something happened and I just—”
“Did it ever occur to you that I might not’ve been in the room?”
“I mean, yes? But with how you were acting recently, I was just really worried that something happened. I just wanted to come by and apologize for the other day. I haven’t seen you at all since then..”
“Well, I can assure you that I am absolutely fine! You don’t need to worry about me.”
