It's Fine.

It's Fine.

I think the hardest thing I've encountered recently is the expectation that I be 'fine' now.

It's been almost a year since I was cut off, and I was very lucky to have a group of people who were there to catch me. They helped me wake up and come to terms with what that meant.

In the last year I have made progress; some of it inconceivable. But my shitty days are SHITTY and my hang ups are not gone.

I'm involved in a show an acquaintance of mine is organising to raise money for a mental health charity. The fb group is posting individual profiles of each collaborating artist.

I lost it when I found out. I hate pictures of myself, first and foremost, but him seeing the picture and knowing where i might be at some point is making me sweat. I asked politely to not be showcased; they obliged, but not without a raised eyebrow. The admin is a friend of mine, and she knows the story. She's absolutely empathetic, but it seemed like she thinks I should be passed this.

I'd love to be. And I'd also love to jump right in and start dating again like everyone keeps suggesting. You know, as if that would solve so many of my issues. While I have come to the conclusion that celebacy isn't my end goal, i am not ready to get out there. Remember that little attempt i made in May? Didn't exactly go well. Doesn't change popular opinion though. It's been long enough they say. It's time.

I also see my support system less and less. I like solitude, but there are times when i feel crushingly alone.

But it's been a year, and they all have their own troubles and I should be well enough to handle the worst moments even with my own conviction.

And I do. But I wonder how many of my old habits are creeping back in. The internalizing, the self loathing, the self destruction, the recklessness. It may be the fall out from my uncle being here, but i feel colder than i have in a while.

It's like my humanity is ebbing away again. And at times i feel i haven't progressed at all.

Reclaiming

I auditioned for a play on Saturday. If I am cast it will be my first time back on stage in almost 3 years.

Taking another one back.

Today in Review

Me: I have a lot of work to get done today, and people are depending on me. Oh shoot, I have two appointments that will interrupt my day too. I should probably get started.

Brain: Maybe you should panic and do nothing for four hours instead.

Me: ... well, no, if I plan and start n....

Brain: PANIC AND DO NOTHING FOR FOUR HOURS!!!

The paradox.

I say I’m a survivor but what piece of me survived? Who am I? How do I know I am who I’m meant to be if I can’t figure out which parts survived and which parts I’ve lost?

Tension

My uncle the Pedophile left today.

Every part of me is exhaling.

When I met him, he lived with his folks in one of the small towns just outside of the city in which I live. It's a pretty cute town, but as you can imagine, I have some complicated feelings toward it.

Yesterday I spent some time there reading by the water. I've decided I will make peace with it. I will also spend time there, if I please, and not cower away from the prospect of running in to his parents or his sisters.

I am not ashamed, and I will not hide.