Nothing Really Matters - Tumblr Posts

The self realisation we're a bacteria colony, on a spec for some kids science work, or a flea on alien cattle ranch, or a lost package in an interstellar delivery service, really gives me the energy to give no f#cks.

It's been a week... Since I started Johnnytober. Normally I wouldn't be saying how many days have passed but with the fact I without YouTube it's worth it because I don't have much to do.

I mean, god I do have a lot I can do but I simply... Hate myself. There's no other words. When I stuck in place all I can think is ending it all.

Fucking hell, I going to have to block certain tags on my tumblr because I see "men don't interact" about how much men are vile creatures and I think "well there's a way to resolve at least one of this issues and it's with a bullet to my head." Jesus, is not even funny anymore.

I'm volatile it seems, probably because of the depression Im carrying. I hate this bloodsucker, draining me even if I literally just breathing.

I don't know what to do. I not actually having "problems" my life is good! I mean, as better as it can be. My parents are wonderful people to me (even if they are kinda homophobic, didn't tell them the spy I am lol) I spent my day "relaxed" but still feel like I want to disappear.

I want to scream, pull my hair out, beat my head in the wall until I go unconscious. I not brave or stupid to do it, and sincerely wish I was.

I telling you all this because, well I can't say it at real life. Only thing people can give me are sweet words that don't mean anything.

...

Well, I guess that's all. Trauma dumping on social media, let's go... Eh...

Johnnytober is certainly helping me, even if it's kinda word vomiting. I don't care if it doesn't get many hearts or reblogs. I know how to get them, it's a social game where you play what everyone wants to see.

I want to write what I want to see. It's egotistical? Extremely. But fuck it, I don't care. That's what I taking this, or what's to understand. I going to continue to scream, make art by cutting my heart and letting it all here.

Thank you for the people who see what I do and interact. Thank you to the mutuals I have. Thank you.

feminine dread

an alternate face to the renowned feminine rage

aka sad girl core or feminine torment

ROMANTICISM MEETS EXISTENTIALISM

key attributes: crying in your room, late nights spent thinking, staring vacantly at the ceiling; never feeling like enough - not pretty enough, not female enough, not smart enough, not human enough, not kind enough, not tough enough. hot-girl summer sad-girl always. loner. standing at the margins. no one sees me, gets me.

i feel nothing and the weight of everything pressing over me all at once.

i'm a void, a crater, something carved out and left incomplete, something that's lacking.

a lifelong quest for something to fill this void but nothing suffices, it all just pours right through me.

my sense of identity is fragmented such that i've never held my entire reflection - some shard's always amiss. the painful absence impales me and leaves me gasping for breath, crawling and choking. the tension of a ghost limb, but the limb is something deep within me that i can't name or palpate. instead, it rattles like a can with a single coin, the echoes mocking the vacancy. i worry the outside world can hear it as i brush shoulder with strangers.

will i ever come to know the feeling of normalcy or was I only ever mean to exist like this? to feel like an anomaly? a glitch?