Journal - Tumblr Posts
❀ Pansy n°7 = My mind's safe space.
safe space - noun → a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.
It’s quite easy to understand what a safe space is, but I would like to add to this definition that it can also be a person - since you’re with someone it could go into “environment” I guess. Personally, my safe spaces are my room and bed, my sisters, my family circle and my mom’s embrace. Those are things that can make me feel instantly better.
I know about these, how they affect me and especially how I struggle to live without them. Getting out of my comfort zone really isn’t my forte… :/ Though there is one place where I can always go when I need a break, a breath… It’s a safe space I created on my own to fit my fantasies and needs to help me calm down and stay serene.
I can literally go there whenever, as I carry it in my mind. Firstly, I created this mind safe space in PE in Highschool when we were doing yoga with my favorite teacher. She helped us a lot to manage our stress and so we did a lot of meditation at the end of her classes. And for this time of peaceful concentration, she asked us to find a memory of a cherished place or even a made up one where we can feel good, calm down and fully relax.
Loving to be in imaginary headplaces, I thought of creating one - it eventually became my waiting room when I tried to shift. The place I’m about to describe truly became a safe space for me.
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This safe haven basically consists of an opening in the middle of trees. The grass has the perfect height and is a warm tone of green. In the middle of the clearing, there is a huge and beautiful lake - that I often struggle to visualize. I’d love for it to have some sort of littler waterfalls and big rocks all around as if it was more of a natural pool you might find in mountains. But my brain keeps it simple, often picturing it just as a simple body of water - but I’ll work on that :). As the soft wind blows in the trees and the grass, occasionally making the water ripple, you can find under the shade of a tree, an outdoor bed. Its wooden structure sits directly on the ground. Its soft and pristine white sheets are the perfect depiction of comfort. Its size makes it more than able to hold two people and allowing the best naps of the world - well, imaginary world.
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This is most of what I visualize when meditating, laying down in this bed to release and concentrate on myself. I also do it when I try to fall asleep, sometimes - if not most of the time - I listen to quiet and soothing music with slight rain sounds, it really calms my running mind. Yet this place is bigger than expected. In fact, I expanded it for my dream purposes.
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Behind the bed - which faces the lake - the clearing extends itself towards a small meadow made of hills. Not too far from the outdoor bed, sits a medium size cottage. I don’t really know how it looks because it’s mostly in the background but I know it’s beautiful and cozy - probably with a stone façade. I love this place dearly. Many times have I pictured myself dancing with comfort characters in the tall grass in the white outdoor bed safely tucked in someone’s strong embrace. I just can’t help but feel calm and secure there.
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I think I’d advise everyone to have a place like this, to be able to retreat somewhere when things get too much and you need to focus on yourself. As I said, it’s also good for meditation times, though it’s important to know to not picture yourself with someone at that moment as it’s a time to pay attention to yourself and it’s really important to have those times. Taking care of yourself is detrimental.
I’ll leave you to that dear reader, but not without asking you what is your mind’s safe space ! Don’t be shy to comment or DM me, I’m very curious :).
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🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺
❀ Pansy n°8 = Who are my / our Husbandos ?
*sigh*
You know how therapists say - at least tiktok ones :/ - that to be ready for a relationship you have to break off your imaginary ones first ? Well for me - and many people I’m sure - it is complicated to say goodbye to thousand that much fictive lives and lovers… Especially when it’s the only way I get to fall asleep, making up fake scenarios.
I dream so much about love, I’ve got to have it in some way, no ? Be it with fictional characters, celebrities, voice actors or even made up characters, I have to dream about a significant other loving up on me. Am I exposing myself too much ? Yes, yes I am … :/ But, f*ck it.
It is really easy to imagine a life with a celebrity as they are public personalities and we know so much about their lives. Too much… Moreover, your brain - and heart - does not make the difference between real people and fictional ones. That’s why you can feel truly heartbroken when a character you’ve grown attached to is sad or dies. Real or not, it makes no difference when emotions are thrown into the mix…
→ The way I realized this was true is pretty embarrassing but I’ll tell you anyway… I was young - around 17 - and in a big as well as deep spiderman / Tom Holland period. So much that it was concerning… :/ Then, pictures of Zendaya and Tom kissing came out and their relationship was outed. And… *sigh* My first reaction was crying. I felt heartbroken but mostly pathetic and embarrassed to be affected so much by it. I was disgusted by myself, because I was crying over something - someone - that had nothing to do with me. Yet it was a true awakening. After that I stopped - or at least I think I did :/ - to get THIS attached to my dumb celebrity crushes.
It also made me realize something really important.
We don’t know who our celebrity crushes are, not really. What we see of them is only through media, dramas, speculations… Their images are controlled and a source of income for many - *cough cough* paparazzis :/. Sadly, they don’t have the chance to live freely, away from camera lenses…
And we, their fandom, play a part in their objectification. It’s important to know that the person we have a crush on, write fictions about and obsess over is a made up version of them. It’s only how we picture them, how we’d like them to be. Not how they are, because we don’t know. We can’t know. And we shouldn’t, because they have a right to privacy.
We don’t know them, exactly how they don’t know each one of us.
So now, I see it more like having a crush on a fictional character. Because that’s what they become. They have made up lives and personalities. It’s fake, it’s fictional. And it’s okay. I think it’s better than knowing every detail and overstepping boundaries in their busy and stressful lives. It might be okay to admire and be attracted to them, but it definitely isn’t if we don’t respect that they stay humans and that in their place we wouldn’t want our lives to be invaded by strangers.
Nevertheless, drawing this conclusion makes me feel even more lonely. Plus, all these imagination filled scenarios definitely don’t help to have a realistic idea of love. I feel bound to be disappointed by life and love - especially by men :/. That’s the problem with overthinking, dreaming and projecting too much… You always end up falling from the high cloud you set yourself on.
Maybe one day I’ll find “the one” - whoever it may be or if they even exist. Only time will tell, for now I’ll try and deal with the loneliness.
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🔺Original work please do not steal or copy, Thanks.🔺
JOURNAL ENTRY #1
as i paint over the artwork i once dedicated to you, the white emptiness scrapes away at the remains of mine which were once yours, i couldn’t scrub the paint off, memories of us act as glue, forcing me to cover it with the present, leaving your memory locked behind paint
Hi guys I’m back!I tried to recover but I changed my mind I’m more happy being the way I am rather than trying to change my ways. I’m more motivated than ever! (I have to mention that I’ll be paying more attention to eating healthier and getting enough protein and vitamins so I can be thin and healthy)
Part 1 on why every song is about me and my life
So basically i had this friend and recently we ended our relationship. He felt like i had malicious intent and that i didn’t love him. This honestly came as a shock cause I’ve spent so much of my time trying to take notes, making space for them and looking out for them. In a way it is sorta weird weight lifted to no longer have to care so much about them, but i really did. They were one of my fondest friends and i genuinely put so much work into keeping it afloat but at the end of time, we were bound to sink. This weigh will be missed and i still hold our memories dear to me but i need to stop looking out for them.
Oh and the part about the girl crush has nothing to do with this lol. Ok but the “And we're walking out in the snow. I say, "I guess I should go" part?! Heart broken omg 💔💔💔💔
Unfortunately nothing you do could ever make me hate you. Fuck.
Old piece :}
Affirmation to start your day with.
I am successful
I am confident.
I am getting better everday.
I wake up motivated.
All I need is within me.
I am having a positive and inspiring impact on the people I come into contact with.
I’m rising above the thoughts that are trying to make me angry or afraid.
I am independent and self-sufficient.
(Freewriting) Silent Warmth
Silence. An incredible thing silence is. It is mostly referred as the absence of noise. Absence of sound. But how come silence is considered as a reward? Isn’t noise a much rewarding word? Noise is the opposite of silence in which sound is most abundant. Noise in party clubs, carnivals, birthday parties, contests, and war. There is also reward in noise where one wins a lottery or gamble. A…
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30th of July, 2022
I have been absent from this tumblr account for quite a while now. Having a little bit of a hard time finishing my to-do list for my blog these past couple of months. Accomplishing tasks are even harder due to lack of motivation and feeling of boredom.
It's the sense of needing to do something HOWEVER a sense of dread will come immediately after I thought of an idea or preparing to do something for that idea.
I want to have my own thing that I would do whenever I am getting pumped up, under the weather, pressured, or longing for something. I want to HAVE THAT THING that I would do despite of whatever might be happening in my life at that very moment.
I also strive to gradually shed off my self-defeating mindset as I reach my 30s.
I can do this.
28 Days Before I Turn 28
First, let me preface that I wrote this piece on February 28th and didn’t publish it because I feel like it would be redundant if I were to publish another blog post on or after my birthday. But I digress as I’m feeling spontaneous and intimate today. I’ll be turning 28 in twenty-eight days and I have been anticipating this day for years. Over the course of 3 years, since I turned 25 and almost…
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28 Days After: THOUGHTS ON TURNING 28
Well, here I am 28 days after turning 28 in a pensive mood. I have been waiting for this age because it will only come once in my lifetime. There are 2 things that I have been looking forward to when it comes to age and birthdays. The first one was turning 28 years old on the 28th of March. The second one would be celebrating my birthday on March 28, 2028. As you can guess, it has to do with the…
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AUGUST MIGHT SLIP AWAY (2023 QUARTERLY CHECK-IN)
It’s been a while, kindred soul. I have been preoccupied the past couple of months and was unable to fulfill my plan of posting twice a month. 2023 is halfway done but here I am amending those weeks that went by. I was gonna do the mid-year check-in but I was too late for that one. So, today’s my very first Quarterly Check-in! I made a handful of goals at the start of 2023 and I wanted to…
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05/09/2024
toda vez que eu quero me distanciar de uma tarefa importante, escolho substituí-la por pensamentos escritos. paro para pensar em nada e sinto o mesmo cansaço mental de sempre. penso que devia acordar mais cedo, aumentar meu campo de visão, no qual seria utilizar mais das 24 horas de um dia. lembro do que eu costumava fazer há alguns anos atrás, desenhar, estudar novas línguas, ouvir sempre as mesmas músicas. lembro como meu quarto mudou tantas vezes, e ao longo do tempo foi se tornando menos espaçoso e sucinto demais para armazenar todas as minhas tralhas.
"While you live, shine"
Journal entry; December 30, 2023
I am gloriously aware of my immortality, when before, in my childhood, it was only a faint misunderstanding. Je sais très bien maintenant. And such as it is, life, in its nuances, may not be so different from death, in the most empathetic and hopeful way
Sometimes, my writing flows in a deliberate way, yet I somehow do not understand the breadth of what I mean. These words belong to me, but only as an extension of certain thoughts and feelings. Language is terribly beautiful and useful, but always lacking in some desperate way.
here’s something I wrote+painted+started over three years ago, but just finished the other week what a throwback am i right kids, we love dissociation
