Ponderings - Tumblr Posts - Page 2

Update: I will be taking the HSK4 exam in September at my home university, as I can do HSK and HSKK separately or not do the HSKK at all, which is not an option at my exchange uni here.

Considering my past attempt, I think leaving the HSKK part alone for the foreseeable future is for the best, as my nervous system is unlikely to withstand another computer on-campus speaking exam.

Pondering whether or not to re-take the HSK4 exam (without the speaking this time) since I failed to meet the passing mark by around 10 points last time and I refuse to believe that the past few months of studying wouldn't be able to give me that boost.

Okay so gender is socially constructed and some of us decided that it wasn’t enough so we constructed queerness to defy, nuance and tailor the social construction of gender. We have been very intentionally working and reworking this queerness we constructed since we laid the foundation. I think that intentionality of the process of building the concept of queerness is odd. We regularly, through less than ideal means unfortunately because we have a bad habit of yelling at each other about it, redefine transness amongst ourselves. Ask the first people who identified as transsexual what that identity meant to them and you will get a wildly different answer than you would get from your average modern day trans kid. We are weirdly self aware about this process. I mean. Not totally. Obviously. But in comparison to straight people who are typically mind blown when the 13 year old nonbinary child of someone they graduated with explains to them that gender is a social construct we are hyper conscious of how we’re talking about our genders and attractions. Spend some time scrolling through old asexual forums. Watch the four hour video essay YouTuber X made about respectability politics and transmedicalism. Straight people generally put less thought into being straight over the course of their entire lives than a gay teen spent thinking about gayness in the month following the realization that they’re not straight. This level of intentional consideration going into the development of this social construct is weird, right?

I will be thinking more about why we do this (probably as a way to defend our existence and because queerness in its current form has only really gained traction in this recent age of science and philosophy where we think about everything more but that’s its own thought soup to cook) and what effect this intentionality has on our community and society at large. Are there benefits to this method of social construction? Harms? Are other concepts being socially constructed in a similar way right now? In the past?

Anyone have thoughts on this? Sources? Has someone else already done this thinking for me that you’re familiar with? Strategies for sleeping when your brain won’t shut up about your gay ponderings?

Actually now I’m curious, which character from the ENTIRETY of ATHF do I give at least vibes of?1?1?2?2?2??2?2?2?2 I WILL BE WAITING BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW THIS IS IMPORTANT

Mistakes

You know those days when you look back on your day and it seems like you did every single thing wrong that you could do wrong and you realize that you broke all the promises you made to yourself just the night before. In those moments sometimes the only thing you can do is just go to sleep and try again tomorrow. 

So many times I let all the mistakes of yesterday ruin all my efforts today. As much as it’s cheesy it’s actually true, treat everyday as a new day. Leave all the crap and broken promises in the past, and just try to make the next day better. 

There is no use worrying about how much of a putz you were yesterday AND also worrying that you’ll make the same mistakes today. 

The only way to get through this life is to understand that mistakes are a part of it, and just because most people hide their blunders doesn’t mean you are the only one that makes them. 

I don’t mean to sound preachy. I, myself, am still struggling to move my brain from ‘knowing this’ to ‘believing this’.

But just thought I’d put it out there.