Sexual Trauma - Tumblr Posts

The Damage of Grooming

knowing something was off about your past experiences but not wanting to end the illusion of “that was okay and this person wouldn’t hurt me”

missing memories of some periods of time, hazy memories, blocked memories

having heart-stopping realizations of “that was not normal”

being completely buried in guilt and shame over things that occurred

feeling utter lack of self value

feeling complete responsibility over everything that happened to you and hating yourself intensely for it

feeling weak, vulnerable and helpless to stop anyone gaining control over you again

feeling like you have no other purpose but to be used for someone else’s purposes

feeling like being used and exploited is the only way to be close to other people

feeling unwanted, unprotected and abandoned by the world

being forced into dealing with all other types of predators who target you because you can’t hide the signs of being groomed

inability to trust people, or otherwise, feeling that you’re not allowed to do anything but to trust people and lack of trust will be punished

mixed feeling of both betrayal and pain of being abandoned by the abuser, not being sure how to feel about them, sometimes still feeling affection and sympathy and sometimes rage

craving for the feeling of affection and importance the abuser might have provided you, while dreading if it’s worth feeling loved if they will end up exploiting and betraying you

blaming yourself for everything and wishing you had done something, anything different to avoid what happened

wishing none of it happened and trying so hard to forget it ever did

Damage of sexual grooming (and sexual abuse in children)

deep feeling of being dirty, ashamed of yourself, and not feeling safe in your own body

self hatred, hatred for your body, desire to change your appearance, in some cases even your sex so you wouldn’t be targeted like this again

feeling disconnected and detached from your body, missing memories of abuse

deep sense of guilt for enjoying some part of abuse when you didn’t even know it was abuse

terror of the enforced idea that you sought out the abuse, wanted or deserved it in some way

confused and mixed feelings about the abuser, desiring to keep trusting them and trying to understand why they did what they did, even if you feel underlying terror of them and feel horrible about most of the things they did to you

inability to form healthy sexuality, viewing sex as an act of power, coercion and violence, engaging in harmful sexual practices, fantasizing about being sexually abused

sexual self harm, feeling like you deserved to be hurt, engaging in dangerous and painful sexual practices, joining communities that promote violence and extreme submissiveness in sexual activities

feeling unexplainable attraction mostly towards people who are likely to hurt you, people with big age gap or authority figures, people who show same behaviour as the groomer

feeling like you have no sexuality and no desire to participate in any sexual activities

terror of being sexually abused again and always being scared that you’ll somehow provoke it or cause it to happen

feeling like it’s useless to try resist sexual abuse because it will only end up worse for you, and not having the ability to say no or fight back anymore

developing anxiety, depression, ptsd, having panic attacks and re-living the abuse over again

developing an eating disorder and struggling with suicidal thoughts

developing infections and sexually transmitted diseases due to abuse and feeling ashamed and scared to reach out for help, or that someone will realize what is happening to you