Trauma Symptoms - Tumblr Posts

The Damage of Grooming

knowing something was off about your past experiences but not wanting to end the illusion of “that was okay and this person wouldn’t hurt me”

missing memories of some periods of time, hazy memories, blocked memories

having heart-stopping realizations of “that was not normal”

being completely buried in guilt and shame over things that occurred

feeling utter lack of self value

feeling complete responsibility over everything that happened to you and hating yourself intensely for it

feeling weak, vulnerable and helpless to stop anyone gaining control over you again

feeling like you have no other purpose but to be used for someone else’s purposes

feeling like being used and exploited is the only way to be close to other people

feeling unwanted, unprotected and abandoned by the world

being forced into dealing with all other types of predators who target you because you can’t hide the signs of being groomed

inability to trust people, or otherwise, feeling that you’re not allowed to do anything but to trust people and lack of trust will be punished

mixed feeling of both betrayal and pain of being abandoned by the abuser, not being sure how to feel about them, sometimes still feeling affection and sympathy and sometimes rage

craving for the feeling of affection and importance the abuser might have provided you, while dreading if it’s worth feeling loved if they will end up exploiting and betraying you

blaming yourself for everything and wishing you had done something, anything different to avoid what happened

wishing none of it happened and trying so hard to forget it ever did

Damage of sexual grooming (and sexual abuse in children)

deep feeling of being dirty, ashamed of yourself, and not feeling safe in your own body

self hatred, hatred for your body, desire to change your appearance, in some cases even your sex so you wouldn’t be targeted like this again

feeling disconnected and detached from your body, missing memories of abuse

deep sense of guilt for enjoying some part of abuse when you didn’t even know it was abuse

terror of the enforced idea that you sought out the abuse, wanted or deserved it in some way

confused and mixed feelings about the abuser, desiring to keep trusting them and trying to understand why they did what they did, even if you feel underlying terror of them and feel horrible about most of the things they did to you

inability to form healthy sexuality, viewing sex as an act of power, coercion and violence, engaging in harmful sexual practices, fantasizing about being sexually abused

sexual self harm, feeling like you deserved to be hurt, engaging in dangerous and painful sexual practices, joining communities that promote violence and extreme submissiveness in sexual activities

feeling unexplainable attraction mostly towards people who are likely to hurt you, people with big age gap or authority figures, people who show same behaviour as the groomer

feeling like you have no sexuality and no desire to participate in any sexual activities

terror of being sexually abused again and always being scared that you’ll somehow provoke it or cause it to happen

feeling like it’s useless to try resist sexual abuse because it will only end up worse for you, and not having the ability to say no or fight back anymore

developing anxiety, depression, ptsd, having panic attacks and re-living the abuse over again

developing an eating disorder and struggling with suicidal thoughts

developing infections and sexually transmitted diseases due to abuse and feeling ashamed and scared to reach out for help, or that someone will realize what is happening to you

(TW) csa symptoms that are not talked about (let me know if you are struggling with this):

re-living some aspects of the abuse (feeling uncomfortable, aroused but scared, having intrusive thoughts and memories) every time you have to go to the bathroom

sick fantasies, attraction towards pain, humiliation, control or being controlled, rape fantasies, really cruel and twisted fantasies

feeling disgusted with yourself because of the sick fantasies, wondering what is wrong with you and if you’re some sort of monster for imagining that

trying to desperately stop the fantasies but eventually giving in and feeling guilty

trying to have normal fantasies but in the end most of them re-enact abuse in some way (one person is in power over another, something is forced against your will, you are pressured or forced into something, your assent is ignored or dismissed, one person is using another as an object or service, there’s manipulation, humiliation, abuse, violence and pain involved, the situation is one of obligation to have sex and not done out of true desire for intimacy)

losing your ability to refuse or reject someone when in sexual situation

losing your ability to say no or defend yourself in a sexual situation

losing your ability to speak in a sexual situation

even if you desire intimacy once in a sexual situation you find yourself just waiting until it’s over and doing anything to end it faster

inevitably feeling fear and strong possibility of getting hurt in a sexual situation

feeling like a child in a sexual situation

re-living all the emotions you felt during sexual abuse, in any sexual situation

feeling terrified of sex in general, but still craving it

belief that sex is the only true form of intimacy and feeling awful and destroyed for not being able to share that with anyone anymore

belief that nobody will want you like this and that you’re irreparably damaged

Sexual grooming for children will end up confusing their perception and sense of what is right, because some parts of it are designed to make the child believe they feel good during it, and this will reinforce the guilt and sense of participation or “liking it”. Children do not like to be sexually abused, they do not enjoy being taking advantage of and having their sexually ripped apart by a person chasing their own satisfaction, but they cannot explain away the parts where physical touch felt good, where they didn’t feel like resisting or fighting back, where they even felt dependent on the abuse or did something to encourage it and hide it from others. Children experience arousal during sexual abuse and this too, will confuse them and will be used as a groomer to prove that the child “wanted it”. They will also want to believe that the groomer cared for them in some way, or did this out of “not knowing better” or without being aware the child would end up deeply traumatized.

The “good” feeling of sexual abuse comes just from the fact that the child requires physical touch, and young children cannot feel the difference between “good touch” and “sexual touch”, at most they might feel it’s a bit “weird” or “dirty” but if they get used to it, they wont be able to recognize it as abuse. The good feeling is only because they need touch, but that doesn’t mean they want to be sexually abused, they need a hug. If the abuser’s goal was to make the child good, they would never have any sexual intentions, they would never use the child as a resource of sexual pleasure and then try to convince the child it must have been a good thing. No child would consent to sexual abuse knowing it was going to traumatize them. The good feeling only makes it worse, makes the child feel complicit and unable to distinguish if they have the right to be traumatized and angry.

Arousal during sexual abuse, not only for children but for all victims, is not a sign of sexual desire, it’s body’s way of protecting itself. Human bodies go to extreme measures to protect from pain and injury, and sexual abuse is the worst, most harmful damage on human body. Arousal makes it more likely your injuries will be less critical, and that the level of physical pain will not be as high, whereas the lack of arousal would mean extreme pain and possibly critical injuries. Your instincts can already tell that the abuser doesn’t care if they damage you severely, so arousal is there to protect you, not as a sign of sexual excitement. Sexual desire never involves feeling of deep terror, weakness, vulnerability and submissiveness, sexual desire is only possible in a situation where you feel no fear of your partner whatsoever, can walk away at any point, and are able to do whatever you please, as opposed to being cornered and forced into a violating experience.

So it was not your fault. And none of your reactions was out of place. None of it meant that you wanted it, or participated in it. You had no way of consenting to it. And if you’re still sometimes experiencing some affection or craving for the abuser, this is extremely common and a side-effect of grooming. The groomer wanted you to feel this, they designed the entire relationship in order to manipulate you to feel it. But they couldn’t love you, they did not see you as a human being worthy of respect, care, agency, boundaries, freedom, or even just having your own sexuality. They lied to you, and if you don’t want to face this part yet, that’s okay, because it’s devastating and horrifying to realize something like that happened to you, and it’s okay to take as much time as you need before you consider it.

A friend of mine saw him at the grocery store. That feeling in my chest is back, and all she did was tell me about it.

He was with a woman; we think it's the same woman he took on what was supposed to be our vacation ( the one I predominantly paid for). That means she's been around for a little more than two years.

I am really struggling right now with guilt. She's probably seen him for what he is by now. And I'm sorry for that. What if I had had a spine back then and told her. Does she need help now?

I feel I should reach out.

Who would I be if I had broken up with him the first time he cheated on me?  Fifteen years later I can barely tell you who I was before I met him.

I was off for a few months owing to covid. It was the first time I have taken an extended breath since I was a teenager.

It gave the trauma time to catch up to me. I feel it all. I am so damn tired.

Does anyone else have this trauma symptom?

Thinking about my childhood and any pleasant things from it makes me cry. I just watched something that played the theme to Mr. Dress Up and I'm weeping.